


Baby, Pull Me Closer

by ataraxia_807



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-31 08:13:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 215,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8571073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ataraxia_807/pseuds/ataraxia_807
Summary: College AU - Ali and Ashlyn meet at UC Boulder and this is where the story starts. Based around the song Closer by the Chainsmokers





	1. pretty girls & conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sparks fly on an elevator, and not the good kind.

     Ashlyn was late.

     Despite the fact that her band mates had almost come to expect this from their terribly disorganized guitarist, they had each taken a moment to impress upon her the seriousness of her punctuality for that day. As their current drummer was about to graduate and move somewhere on the West coast, they had a long day planned for auditions and needed to get started as quickly as possible.

     Her band Velvet Moon held the esteemed “Best on Campus” award at the University of Colorado at Boulder for the last three years. She’d contributed to the last two as a freshman and sophomore, something she was very proud of, and was aiming to extend the streak through graduation. Their shows kept getting more and more crowded, and students would recognize her more frequently on campus as the guitarist from “that cool cover band”.

     As such, the interest in their vacancy was high and it was sure to be a long day of listening to a mixture of the tone deaf, rhythmically challenged, and overconfident; there was just something about drumming that pulled out the cream of the crop. With a wry smile to herself, she remembered how green she’d been at her audition compared to now; it was just a tad unfair for the person who ended each show in her best Keith Richards impression to consider anyone overconfident.

     The bassist, Rory, loved to tease her about how her egocentrism came out the most when it was required of her to be on time as it seemed Ashlyn loved grand entrances and people having to wait on her. Ashlyn tried her best to refute these claims, but her excessive tardiness never got the message across.

     “You’re lucky you’ve got some really fuckin’ skilled hands, Harris,” griped the front man Ricky on one particularly late morning.

     “That’s what the girls tell me,” Ashlyn beamed, handing out McMuffins and hash browns. At least she made sure to never show up empty handed.

     Still, she knew she was skating on thin ice that morning: she had twenty-three minutes to make a fifteen-with-zero-traffic trip. One peek out the window of her top floor triple dorm room told her that Thursday morning rush hour wasn’t going to cooperate, and in her urgency to leave the room, she nearly forgot her guitar bag.

* * *

     Ali was perfectly on time.

     She had just enough time to drop off the notes for Chemistry lab to her sick friend Liz before she had to get to her 9:00 a.m. German Lit class, and that included the stop she’d already made at Pekoe’s before crossing campus to get to Stearns East. Liz had taken Ali’s meticulously highlighted notes through a crack in the door, mumbling that she didn’t want to let anyone in on the off chance that she was contagious. Ali was grateful.

     As she walked back towards the elevators on the fifteenth floor, Ali ran her fingers along the edge of the trim on a bulletin board. There were still parts of her that missed it, living in the dorms, and it was an odd sensation being back.

     Not that it was better than her current living situation in her sorority house. She reminded herself how lucky she was to get a bed there and she still felt like she jumped a line of girls who had been waiting. It was hard not to feel at least a little guilty; she always offered the camp bed in her room to one of her sisters after an event at the house, even if it was rarely taken. She knew what it felt like to spend an entire day with everybody and then have to trudge back to a cold building that looked more like a prison than a home.

     Still, there had been things about Sterns that were fun. She had made excellent friends living there, a few of them having gone through the Greek rush week with her. When she made the decision to join a sorority, at her mother’s urging, she actually thought it wouldn’t end up working out, and wondered once if she should drop it. Christen, a teammate from the soccer team and living a few doors down from her, had encouraged her to stick with it and Ali was delighted when they joined Pi Beta Phi together.

     Between being an active member of her sorority, a defensive player on the university soccer team and an _almost_ straight A student, Ali felt like she was excelling admirably at the whole college thing. Of course, her brother Kyle warned her that as it was only the second month of Junior year, she had plenty of time to fuck it up, something that she tried to ignore. She’d always been the kind of person who appreciated plans and contemplation, hard work being one of the only ways that a person could truly value what they’d accomplished. It just wouldn’t have been the same if it were by luck or dishonesty.

     As the down button on the elevator shone bright orange, alerting her that the car had arrived, she couldn’t help but think to herself that everything was just as it should be.

* * *

     “Out of the way! Coming through! Coming through!”

     Ashlyn made her way down the hallway, shouting ahead to try and eliminate as many hurdles as possible. It was looking increasingly more likely that she would be late and therefore draw the ire of her band mates. As much as they said they loved her playing, she knew she could be replaced. The thought spurred her on and around the last corner.

     She could see the elevators and by a stroke of luck, there was an available one on its way down. Still, she was a bit far away and it wasn’t likely that the doors would stay open. At that moment, Ashlyn watched a tall brunette in light blue jeans and a tank top walk on. Ashlyn raised a hand, waving it high in the air.

     “Hey! Hold the doors, please!”

     What Ashlyn would later find most annoying was the fact that the girl _clearly_ heard her, looking up and making brief eye contact before reaching forward to press a button. At first, Ashlyn thought that she was doing as requested, but then the doors started to close.

      “Hey… Hey! Hold up!”

* * *

     “Hold the doors, please!”

     Ali looked up to see a blonde girl barreling down the hallway towards her, black guitar case swinging wildly by her side. As she requested for Ali to hold the door, there were only a few moments to make a choice. Undoubtedly, the elevator would stop on the way down and someone taking up space with a gangly guitar would only cause delays. Ali pressed the “doors close” button, hoping to appear as though she hadn’t noticed.

     Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

     “Hey … Hey! Hold up!”

     Ali looked up and made guilty eye contact, a warm blush creeping into her cheeks. She felt a little bad about trying to shut her out of the car and nearly changed her mind until –

     “Ohhh, _asshole_!”

     Well, okay then. Ali mashed the “doors close” button one more time, with gusto. Feeling a little spurred on by the flare of annoyance replacing the flush on her face, Ali even went one better and put on her best sorority girl smile – the one she reserved for rival houses at shared functions. In fact, she put the cherry on top: an infuriating girly wave goodbye as the metal doors slid shut.

     Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way either.

* * *

     Ever since she was a little kid, Ashlyn’s older brother Chris had teased her that if she wasn’t careful, an elevator would slice her in half like in that Final Destination movie. It was one of those things that try as she might to explain away the anxiety, she’d never truly shed that last bit of silly fear. Still, that creeping panic melted right away as Ashlyn thrust her right fist in between the closing doors, determined as she had ever been in her life to make it onto that elevator.

     Later, she’d deny that she’d screwed her eyes shut against the sheer terror that she was about to lose her arm and instead focus on the fact that when the elevator jerked back open, she stood with the best stony mask of ‘how about that’ that she’d ever been able to muster.

     “ _Thanks_ ”, Ashlyn said, voice dripping with barely concealed acid.

     “Don’t mention it,” the too tight jean wearing, dumbass perfect ponytail simpered in response, rolling her eyes to the roof of the car.

     "Wouldn’t have killed you to wait another second, you know.” For some reason, the prickling annoyance was growing more and more into a full blown aggravation, worsened by the fact that the girl didn’t look remotely apologetic. All she had to do was say she was sorry, didn’t she know that?

     “Kind of like it wouldn’t have killed you to wait for the next one? _Some_ _of us_ were on time today.”

_Oh fuck OFF_ , Ashlyn thought furiously, whipping her head back around to face the front while the doors closed again. ‘Some of us were on time today’? Okay.

     With a smirk over her shoulder, Ashlyn did her best impression of a five-year-old and ran both palms down the double rows of buttons, highlighting every floor.

     “Yeah, I guess some of us _were_ on time.”

* * *

_Is she fucking kidding me?_

     “Are you fucking _kidding me_?!” Ali nearly shrieked, reaching forward to pull the girl’s hands back, but the damage was already done.

     Maddeningly, the girl just turned her back to Ali but not before she caught her full self-satisfied sneer. The elevator was already slow enough between floors – waiting for all 15 of them was going to take forever. Ali was sure that the guitar case wielding monster expected Ali to give up. She’d had Kyle as a brother growing up, she could fight diva tantrums all fucking day.

     When the elevator thudded to a stop on 14, the doors opened to an empty hallway and a fresh streak of anger wrapped around Ali’s throat like a vice. The girl with the tackiest bleach blonde hair she’d ever seen just looked back over her shoulder as if to say ‘go ahead’ but Ali simply took her phone out and started tapping, seemingly unaffected.

     The doors shut again on both girls looking terribly irritated.

* * *

     It only took the third stop before Ashlyn was deeply reconsidering her course of action. At the time, the righteous anger flowing through her had felt fully justified but she was going to have a rough go explaining to the band why she was late even when she had promised she wouldn’t be.

     On the 11th floor, a tall guy in Vans and holey sweatpants had walked on long enough to read their expressions and see that buttons 10-B3 were highlighted and immediately jumped back off. Ashlyn wished the stupid girl would just hurry up and get off on a floor already so Ashlyn could on the one right after but she never budged.

     To make matters worse, the girl kept tapping away on her phone and didn’t have her sounds off. She wasn’t sure at the moment if it was by accident or some guerilla warfare response but if she heard that stupid Twitter sound one more time, her childishness was going to escalate.

     The 10th floor came and went without incident, and then on the 9th, the girl’s phone rang – that stupid Marimba ringtone. Even though Ashlyn knew the phone was in her hand, she still allowed it to ring shrilly in the closed space about 4 times before she answered.

     “Hey Chris,” _Boyfriend … Figures. Bet she has to check in every five minutes or the meathead gets angry_ , “Yeah, sorry, I’m running late. Yeah, I left on time. Mhmm, just something stupid keeping me, don’t worry.”

     The skin on the back of Ashlyn’s neck prickled as she worked to keep her face stoic. No one was telling the dumbass to _stay_ on the world’s longest elevator ride. Sounded like she was the “something stupid” herself.

     “Yeah. Yep. Mhmm. Yeah, I just have German Lit this morning and then I’m going back to the house. Yeah, there’s that meeting tonight with the boys from Kappa Sig.”

_And she’s a sorority bimbo? Of course_.

     The elevator dinged on the 7th floor – _just about another hour and I’ll be done_ – and still, the girl chattered away. Ashlyn wished with all her might that she’d give up and hurry off to meet what was surely some dumb jock boyfriend.

     “Oh, you’ll never guess what happened this morning. Yeah. Oh God, I met the biggest jerk on campus –“

     “Oh what _ever_ , like that’s **me?** Who was the one who tried to shut the elevator doors on me? Me, the biggest jerk on campus. Yeah, that’s rich coming from you.”

* * *

     Christen had hung up after Ali confirmed the meeting with Kappa Sig, but Ali lingered on the phone a moment longer, making up her mind. It was childish, but then again, so was pressing every button on an elevator car.

     "Oh God, I met the biggest jerk on campus—“

     The girl exploded, whirling around to face Ali and sending her guitar case banging into the wall.

     “Oh what _ever_ , like that’s me? Who was the one who tried to shut the elevator doors on me?”

     Her rant continued but Ali dropped the phone from her ear and spoke to her directly, the two of them nearly bellowing in each other’s face.

     “All you had to do was wait! There was gonna be another elevator in a few minutes!”

     “Yeah minutes! As you can tell from our elevator ride the length of the _extended_ version of Titanic, these elevators fucking suck! Of course, you wouldn’t know anything about that would you, sorority princess?”

     “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Like I’ve never been on this elevator before?”

     “Well I don’t know what the hell you’re doing here today but obviously –“

     “Obviously fucking what exactly? Obviously you don’t actually know anything about me?”

     The door pinged open on the 4th floor and their yelling must have been heard preceding their arrival. The people standing at the doors were already standing back, staring wide eyed at the two girls shouting at each other from two feet away. Ali and Ashlyn both stopped briefly, Ali ducking her eyes against the inquisitive sets gawping back at her.

     “What are _you_ looking at?” the blonde barked, jabbing her finger at the “doors close” button.

     The doors slid shut with a creak, and the car paused before lurching forward.

     “Great, of course we’re going to get stuck in here,” Ali grumbled, redirecting her eyes down at her purse.

     The girl looked back at her, rage quickly subsiding. “What? Are you done yelling?”

     “You’re the one who started it,” Ali murmured. She pulled out a piece of gum for something to do, wanting anything but eye contact again.

     The girl flipped back around and waited for the next floor impatiently, tapping her foot against the door frame.

     “You coulda gotten off at the first floor we stopped at, you know,” she said, looking back over her shoulder at Ali.

     “I’m sorry, are you still trying to argue with me?” Ali asked.

     “No. I’m just saying that you could’ve gotten off and then I could’ve right after you. Then we wouldn’t be standing here waiting like two idiots.”

     “Or you could’ve apologized for acting like a petulant child first and _then_ I would’ve gotten off.”

     The girl turned back around, exasperated, “Okay, _okay_. I’m sorry, geez.”

     Ali begrudgingly met her gaze again, raising her own eyebrow. “That was a terrible apology.”

     “What, like you don’t owe one yourself?”

     “Sure. I’m sorry I didn’t press the close button harder.”

     “Ha! You admit it!”

     “Ha? Seriously?”

     “I knew you were the bigger jerk.”

     “ _Says the person continuing the argument_ ,” Ali huffed, raising her arms above her head. “What do you want from me?”

     “An apology.” The girl said simply, shrugging one shoulder.

     The ding of their arrival onto the first floor lobby caught Ali’s attention. “Sure – how about I give you a long, drowned out apology with annotations and closing remarks next time I see you, kay?”

     Ali pushed past the girl, intent on putting as much space between them as possible.

* * *

     Ashlyn was _really_ late.

     She ran across campus to her car – of course she was in the farthest spot in the farthest parking lot possible – guitar bag swinging and banging into the back of her thigh over and over in the same spot. She could already feel the bruise building under her skin.

     Her fifteen minutes were up. She was supposed to be in the bar five minutes ago and yet she was just slamming the door of her blue Mazda pickup, fumbling with her keys in one hand while stuffing her case into the passenger seat with the other. Her phone chirped at her from her back pocket and she didn’t bother reaching it; didn’t want to read Ricky’s comments about how he _knew_ she was going to be late. She was already annoyed enough.

     But the real annoyance came from not knowing what set her off the most. Was it that stupidly perfect ponytail? Was it the fact that she’d left her notifications on loud and was probably in the middle of live tweeting her “experience”? Was it the fact that the jerk had tried to shut Ashlyn out in the first place even, setting everything into motion?

     Or was it the fact that despite Ashlyn’s strong desire to find her again right now to continue the argument, part of her just wanted to look into her eyes again? Was it the fact that she had those deep rose colored lips that were sure to look good kiss swollen? Ashlyn knew it was probably mostly that when she ran off to whatever sorority event she was late for – _German Lit class is what she said, why the fuck do I remember that –_ Ashlyn couldn’t help but stare at the way her curves filled out her jeans.

* * *

     Ali was _nearly_ on time.

     She ran through the doorway even before Professor Mueller had started lecturing, and she bid him a good morning while rushing to her seat. She sank into her chair in a sweaty heap, purse and backpack falling together onto the floor with a dull thud. She couldn’t care, instead leaning back to nurse the stitch in her side.

     From the desk behind her, her classmate Knox reached forward to tap her on the shoulder. “You okay, Ali?”

     She nodded gratefully, fanning her face. “Didn’t want to be late so I had to run.”

     “You’re never late,” Knox said with a smile and indicated the clock, “Even when Miss Perfect tries not to be, she’s still perfectly on time.”

     “Actually, a minute past,” Ali said with a returned grin, reaching down to grab her backpack.

     As Professor Mueller began to make his way to close the door, Ali prepared for the lecture by taking out her notebook and colored pens, setting up the way she normally did. However, even as she sat up properly in her chair, ready to listen, she felt something was off.

     She found it difficult to focus on what her professor was saying; something about the next reading assignment and what to expect on the following test. Instead, she was thinking about rebuttals she wished she’d used against the guitar bag brandishing jackass back at Sterns. As always, her best remarks were totally in hindsight and she half wished she’d see her again just to be able to tell her exactly what she thought of her.

     Of course, what she was ignoring was the fact that she wished she’d see her again just because she hadn’t been able to get the image of her perfectly dimpled cheek and painted smirk out of her head.


	2. we feel young & wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn's band gets a new drummer and Ashlyn runs into someone at their show.

     Two weeks had passed since Ashlyn’s run in with Annoying Ass Elevator Girl, as she had taken to calling her. Of course, she’d thought about her many times over the course of the month; thoughts ranging from her shiny, nearly black hair, the way the edge of her tank top kept revealing tiny slivers of her waist, and also how petulant and exasperating she was in the span of fifteen minutes. She’d been a solid ten late to auditions, having spent most of that time trying to ignore the fact that had she not been a brat, she might’ve made it on time.

     Ashlyn was sitting on the edge of the stage at Billy’s, the go-to gathering space on campus, where Velvet Moon was playing their first show of the semester. Taking a long pull from her bottle of water, she watched her newest band mate scramble around the drum set, making miniscule adjustments until the kit was exactly as she wanted it.

     They’d spent six grueling hours auditioning drummers until Ashlyn didn’t think she’d ever get the incessant snapping of the snare out of her head. As expected, all sorts came to the open audition and they had plenty of people to wade through, with varying levels of experience. The pool hadn’t yielded much in terms of standout participants until the newbie had sauntered in, right when they were ready to call it.

     “Hey, so is this the audition for the Velvet Moon drummer?”

     The voice had interrupted a group huddle in which Ricky was suggesting they break for pizza and enough beer to forget the day. They’d all turned around to face her, taking in her face full of freckles, slouchy torn jeans, ratty hoodie and beanie. Her Doc Martens were scuffed and caked in bits of mud; Ashlyn was surprised to see she wasn’t leaving footprints in her wake.

     As though answering their unasked questions, the girl stretched her arms out and indicated down at her body, “Yeah, kind of a walking drummer stereotype. I promise I bathe.”

     The group laughed at that and Ricky motioned her forward. “Sure, we’ve got time for one more.”

     She’d played with the most enthusiasm of anyone they’d seen, including the guy who’d come in costume. She put her body into her playing; it seemed like her sticks fed seamlessly into her hands, wrists, arms – all the way until she was standing on her tiptoes on each downbeat, reaching the farthest bit of her ride cymbal in perfect tune with the tapping rhythm of her hi-hat and snare. What was even better was the sheer joy on her face as she banged away on the set, mouth set in a blissful grin that gave way to laughter at the end.

     When she finished and placed her sticks together on top of the snare, it took a second for the five of them to start clapping. Their stunned silence turned into hoots of laughter and admiration as they crossed over to her from their place at the cocktail tables. Ricky hopped on stage first, meeting her with an outstretched hand.

     “That was sick,” he said in genuine awe, shaking their connected palms.

     “Thanks,” the girl responded shyly, ducking her head a bit and looking back up to meet Rory’s nod at her.

     “Seriously, you’ve got some skills,” the bassist remarked.

     “I’m almost sad I won’t be here to watch you guys,” said their soon to be exiting drummer Lance. “I bet you’ll play some great shows.”

     The girl looked around at each of them in turn, ecstasy on her face, “So, you’re saying?”

     The keyboardist Jason did a quick check around the group and they all nodded, including Ashlyn. “I think we’re saying if you’re interested, the spot’s yours.”

     Ashlyn was the last to take her hand, giving her a firm handshake. “We’d be lucky to have you.”

     Her blowout smile was accompanied by a triumphant fist shake in the air. “Oh this is awesome. Guys, thank you!”

     “No, thank _you_ , uh … We don’t even know your name,” Ricky said laughing.

     “Kelley. Kelley O’Hara,” the girl said with a wave around to each of them.

     There’d been two good weeks of rehearsals, starting that same night. Despite a long day of auditions, none of them had been able to shake the spark of potential and excitement the new member had brought with her. They’d played together until the wee hours, and even as Ashlyn sat falling asleep the next day in her 8:00 AM Metal Works lab, she was just as jazzed as everyone else was. They’d all been counting down the days until they could showcase the newcomer at her first show.

     Crunching her now empty water bottle into a ball, Ashlyn tossed it over to Kelley, beaning her in the back of the head. Kelley whipped around and spotted her, reaching to pick up the plastic and return fire.

     Ashlyn crossed her arms over her face, “No, have mercy, please!”

     “It’s all fun and games until the other side has ammo, huh?” Kelley asked, crossing and plopping down next to her. Their feet kicked together a few moments as they leaned back and took in the empty room.

     “You know; I came to one of y’all’s shows late last year. I think it was your Ides of March one,” Kelley said.

     Ashlyn grinned, “Was Ricky wearing the toga?”

     Kelley nodded, “Yeah, and he mooned the people waiting at the door when you guys left.”

     “Ohh, I was so surprised Billy let us come back after that. He’d threatened but Ricky knew he was full of it. I guess he was hoping so, at least.” Ashlyn leaned fully back, laying down on the stage. “We told Ricky he oughta lay off the shots before show time but he thinks it gives him a better performance.”

     Kelley lay down next to her, stretching her arms far above her head. “It’s cool. He has a cute butt anyway.”

     Ashlyn turned and wrinkled her nose at the drummer, scoffing. “Ew, gross. I can’t even begin to think of any of the guys as cute.”

     Kelley smiled back at her, “Yeah, I thought as much. So, is that a band mate thing or is that a …?”

     “A …? A what?” Ashlyn teased, “You can ask.”

     There was a blush on Kelley’s cheeks while she covered her eyes, “Sorry, God. I don’t normally get weird about asking.”

     “I mean, I know I leave a lot open to interpretation,” Ashlyn deadpanned, indicating her clothes.

     Kelley cackled, nodding, “No totally. I mean, you look like you enjoy the straighter things in life, that’s for sure.”

     The two of them laughed for a few moments, letting things settle. “I guess you can say it’s both. Part of me has only seen them as brothers for the last two years but it definitely has a lot to do with the fact that we only have girl groupies in the band.”

     Kelley nodded, unsure of what to say next. It showed on her face as she chewed on her lip, and Ashlyn looked over at her in the silence, “And what may I ask has your interest piqued?” She hoped against hope that Kelley wasn’t about to start some weird awkward thing about Ashlyn liking girls. It’d been a while since she ran into a girl who immediately thought a lesbian would have a crush on her, but she never grew complacent.

     “No it’s just … I didn’t know if, you know. I didn’t want to be the only one,” Kelley rushed out and Ashlyn nodded back at her.

     “Ahhh. See, I wasn’t sure.”

     Kelley groaned in frustration, “Ugh, you know, I think that’s counting against me a lot. There’s this girl in my major who is, oh God, total fucking hottie. She’s like this badass bitch who gets shit done and I swear to God we flirt sometimes but I just don’t know if she knows it’s like … _flirting flirting_.”

     Ashlyn looked back up at the ceiling laughing, “Flirting flirting?”

     “Yeah! You know, when it’s not just the ‘I’m a human being who likes validation’ but more like the ‘I’m actively trying to kiss you’ flirting,” Kelley mumbled, covering her face with her hands. “I think she thinks I like the dudes. Or maybe it’s that _she_ likes the dudes. I don’t know, maybe she likes both.”

     Ashlyn exhaled a whistle, “Oooh, a double sided coin. Yeah, I’ve learned to keep a distance from those. I’ve been burned too many times.” She looked over at Kelley and shook her head to punctuate her point. “But you know, you could just make it obvious and tell her you want her bod. I don’t know, what’s your major? Maybe we can give you a super topical pick-up line.”

     “I have a feeling you’re good with pick-up lines, Harris,” Kelley elbowed her and Ashlyn shrugged unashamedly.

     As the two of them giggled on the floor, Ricky and Rory walked up together, cords in hand.

     “Hey, if you guys are done with the slumber party games, we could use a hand setting up you know,” Rory teased, tossing a cable down onto Ashlyn’s stomach.

     “We just wanted y’all to feel capable on your own,” Kelley cracked. Ashlyn liked how well she was already fitting in, especially at the added benefit of no longer being the only girl.

* * *

     With just over ten minutes to go before the show started, Ashlyn battled her typical pre-performance nerves by doing some push-ups backstage. She wasn’t sure exactly how her ritual started, but at least it kept her arms warm and made her feel like she was getting _some_ of the tension out. She’d just passed her thirty second rep when she heard a chorus of female voices passing close by the black curtain.

     “I can’t believe you haven’t been to one of their shows yet! Oh my gosh, you’re going to love it!” Definitely a girl, and Ashlyn appreciated the pep talk she was giving to a potential new fan.

     “Yeah there was just always something that came up. I was supposed to go to one with Chris last January but Kyle came into town at the last minute and we went snowboarding instead.”

     Ashlyn stopped dead in her path to the curtain. Her plan to pop out and charm what was hopefully a group of cute girls was halted as soon as she heard that voice. Combined with the reference to a mystery Chris, Ashlyn was almost positive she knew exactly who was standing on the other side of the divider.

     Scrambling over to the back of the stage, Ashlyn skirted along the edge until she could crane her neck around the corner and peek back to where she heard the girls passing by. It took a moment to find them, and she let herself relax thinking she’d misheard or overreacted and it was someone else entirely. With a groan, she realized that she’d been right. Standing in the middle of a small gaggle of unmistakably Greek girls was Annoying Ass Elevator Girl herself.

     Some of the retorts Ashlyn had been working on for the last few weeks immediately sprang to mind, along with some of the more childish ideas that included silly string or a fire extinguisher. She watched the five of them mill around looking for a free table, heads on swivels. Once, the girl looked directly towards where Ashlyn was hiding and she only barely ducked down in time.

 _I don’t know why I’m hiding. She’s going to figure it out in about five minutes anyway,_ Ashlyn thought, glancing down at her watch. Still, she was already picturing her grand entrance: she’d let the rest of the band go on first to warm up and wouldn’t step foot onto the stage until she’d started her opening lick from behind the curtains. She’d make a killer entrance and make sure to blow a kiss to the other girls standing with her. Yeah, real cool and confident, very unlike the Ashlyn who’d had to resort to pulling a prank.

     At least, that was the plan until her foot had gotten wrapped up in a loose cord. As she spun on her heel to walk back to her waiting guitar case, the cord held her left foot in place and Ashlyn went sprawling onto the ground, naturally landing in full view of the entire waiting audience. If the loud thud from her body hitting the stage hadn’t caught everyone’s attention, the falling mic stand definitely did the trick. There was an earsplitting bit of feedback on the speakers and after a collective wince, everyone’s eyes landed on Ashlyn laying on the floor.

     She sat up as quickly as she could, trying her hardest to play it off. _I’m pretty sure no one thinks that was on purpose, you idiot_ , she chastised herself, and although she tried to fight it, her eyes were already scanning the crowd. There she was, looking straight at Ashlyn: that same irritating eyebrow was cocked and she wasn’t trying at all to hide her smirk. Her friends all giggled appreciatively and turned to each other, but Ashlyn kept their eye contact, mostly out of pride.

     It was Elevator Girl who looked away first, turning to her friends and motioning towards Ashlyn with a jerk of her head. _Great, they must know the story too by now_. Sure enough, the other four heads all turned back to Ashlyn simultaneously before going into a huddle. Unable to stand it any longer, Ashlyn stood and walked off the stage.

     Kelley stood waiting at the edge with a bemused grin on her face. “Sound check?”

     Ashlyn groaned and looked at the ceiling, “Yeah, figured I’d help out.” She ran a hand through her messy hair. “Ugh, remember me telling you about that sorority girl from the elevator the morning of your audition?”

     "You mean the girl you kept saying had a nice ass? Yeah, I think I remember her from your third or fourth retelling.”

     “Shut up. I didn't say that," _I didn't, did I?_  she thought. "Anyway, you’ll never guess who’s here,” Ashlyn said.

     “ _No way_!” Ashlyn was immediately wary of Kelley’s gleeful expression, “You’re serious? I wanna see!”

     Ashlyn was barely able to block Kelley’s access to the edge of the stage, “ **No _._** God, I just fell flat on my ass in front of her. Last thing I want is for her to think I’m talking about her now that we both know the other is here.”

     “But you _are_ talking about her now that you both know the other is here,” Kelley said, eyebrow raised.

     “Not helpful,” Ashlyn quipped, putting a finger to her lips as the rest of the guys walked up. “Hey, you guys ready to roll?”

     “Sure, if you’re done trying to break my mic, Harris,” Ricky joked, catching her in the ribs with his elbow.

     Ashlyn scowled on her way to snag her guitar, busying herself with shoving extra picks into her pocket.

     Ricky, Rory and Jason did their ceremonial man-huddle jump and Kelley and Ashlyn just stood out of their way. They all came in for their group chant, tossing a hand into the heap, “Reaaaaaady – GO!”

     The boys all ran on stage and to their spots, bouncing and amping the crowd up with their chants and fist pumps into the air. Kelley ran on next, waving her sticks and heading back to the drum set. Ashlyn sauntered on last, and she was sure she wasn’t imagining the chuckles going around the room. She tried her best to get into the spirit, but her eyes fell onto Elevator Girl and her group of friends where they all sat staring, craning their heads above the crowd to all get a good look at the guitarist.

     “Hey everyone! Thanks for coming! We’re Velvet Moon – welcome to our first show of the year!” Ricky’s enthusiasm filled the place and had everyone getting to their feet. “Alright everybody, let’s get this party started.”

     Jason started playing the first keys of their opener and Ashlyn strummed in time. She willed herself to look away from the girl and focus on why she was there. The crowd got into it quickly enough, spurred on by Kelley’s beat. Once Ricky started in singing, she’d all but forgotten her embarrassment from before; it just didn’t matter on stage.

     By the end of the first song, everyone was on their feet, clapping and swaying along. Ashlyn had found her perch at the edge of the platform, bending her knees and getting into each thrum of her guitar. She’d bounced around between Ricky and back to Kelley, hooting in triumph when she tossed a stick in the air and caught it before the next beat. She felt invincible there, unwilling to drop the pace and intensity, wanting nothing more than to keep going until her hands gave out.

     She harmonized with Ricky towards the end of the song and it took her a minute to realize she’d been looking straight at Elevator Girl as she swayed in time, “Oh I believe that I can make you scream.” Her group of friends all noticed however, and they were soon all giggling together and looking back and forth between them. It didn’t matter that her first appearance had her laid out flat on the ground, all that mattered was that on that last lingering note, Ashlyn blew her kiss as planned but not at her friends.

     She knew Elevator Girl saw the gesture by her following eye roll.

* * *

     “Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight! It’s been fucking _amazing_ playing for you all but unfortunately this party has to come to an end. After party at Jason’s place!” Ricky shouted into the microphone, his fourth shot of Jack Daniels clutched in his fist.

     “Yeah right, we’ll see you all at Ricky’s. He can do clean up tomorrow,” Jason mumbled into his mic, breaking down the cords to his keyboard.

     “That’s enough boys. Again, thanks to everyone who came out tonight! And thanks for showing love to our newest Moonie: Kelley O’Hara on the drums! We look forward to playing for you guys again soon!” Ashlyn yelled, waving both hands at the crowd. Kelley stood up from her stool, waving her sticks in the air to thunderous applause.

     “We’re Velvet Moon – goodnight y’all!” Kelley said in parting as the stage lights went down.

     It always shocked Ashlyn, that moment of darkness in between the real end of the show and when the house lights came back on to remind her she was still in a dingy college bar. Still, it never took away from the experience. Drenched in sweat, Ashlyn took a few minutes to put away her guitar, downing a full bottle of water.

     Kelley approached from backstage clutching two bottles of beer, holding one out to Ashlyn. “God, that was incredible,” she gushed as Ashlyn shook her head to the offering.

     “Nah, not until after I get the stuff packed up. You can go pass it off to Ricky. Not that he needs it,” she grinned, motioning over to their front man who was already leaning over the front of the stage, talking to a few girls.

     Kelley shrugged and started double fisting both bottles, downing a quarter each. “It’s like a high.”

     Ashlyn nodded vigorously, “I know what you mean. It’s unreal.”

     “Does that ever change? I mean, do you still feel – “

     “Like I’m fucking bulletproof?” Ashlyn grinned at her, getting a nod in return.

     “It’s just like … I can’t fuck up on stage you know? It feels like no matter what, it’s gonna just be amazing.” Kelley took another pull from each bottle.

     “Unless of course you do a face plant before the show actually starts.”

     Ashlyn whirled around and there she was with her friends: Elevator Girl in all her glory. Before she could open her mouth to give a smart reply, Kelley raised both bottles to them.

     “Thanks for coming!”

     “You guys were great!” One of the other sorority girls said, eyeing Ashlyn before looking back to the girl who had another perfect ponytail.

     “We appreciate that,” Ashlyn grunted, picking up her amp and hoisting it onto her shoulder. She started to make her way backstage, stopping to signal Kelley. She was quickly losing her high from performing and didn’t want to stick around until her embarrassment from before came back in full force.

     “So have you ladies been to a show before?” Ashlyn was reconsidering a friendship with Kelley. The drummer lounged on the edge of the stage, practically falling into the collective cleavage being shown to her.

     “Well, we all have but this is Ali’s first time,” the same sorority girl said, pulling Elevator Girl forward.

     Ashlyn turned to regard her. _Huh, she has a name. Ali._ The name rolled around in her brain and she committed it to memory, as though she had a chance of forgetting.

     Ali smiled up at Kelley, not meeting Ashlyn’s eyes. “Yep, this is my first one but you were great. The girls say you’re even better than the last guy.”

     Kelley blushed and shook her head, “Nah, I’m just a fill in. But you know who’s awesome? _Ashlyn_.”

     When the drummer started to tug Ashlyn forward by the sleeves of her t shirt, she was beginning to wonder if this was being done on purpose. “This here is our fearless guitarist.”

     “So, I finally know your name,” Ali said, extending a hand up, “the Flying Ashlyn.”

     Ashlyn nodded good naturedly, taking in her friends’ laughter. “Nice to meet you. Evidently you go by something other than – “

     “Girls! Will you be coming to the after party? I mean, once the boys stop fighting over whose house is getting trashed this time?” Kelley spoke hastily over Ashlyn, eyeing her like ‘ _behave’_ before turning to the girls.

     “Unfortunately no,” Ali said, side eyeing Ashlyn who cast her eyes up to the ceiling, “Early morning tomorrow.”

     “On a Sunday? Come on!”

     “Next time,” Ali’s friend said, and Ashlyn saw them all looking at her again out of the corner of her eye.

     “We’ll hold you to it,” Kelley said with a crinkle eyed smile and the girls turned to go.

     “What was _that_?” Ashlyn asked, giving Kelley a look while she turned once more to walk back stage.

     “I’m just saying – you don’t talk about someone’s ass that many times and don’t get their name. Even if you think they’re jerks.” Before Ashlyn could respond, Kelley was making her way over to where Rory was rolling up some cords on the opposite end of the stage. Shaking her head, Ashlyn turned with her amp to go load it into the van.

     She’d only made it three steps or so when Ali stepped into her path.

     “Hi,” she said shyly, all previous smugness gone.

     “Hi?” Ashlyn raised an eyebrow at her sudden change in demeanor.

     “I … Look, about that day in the … What I mean to say—” Ali spluttered but Ashlyn cut her off with a smile.

     “Spit it out, will you?”

     Ali gave her a look and paused before starting again. “I owe you an apology.”

     “I believe I was promised annotations, too,” Ashlyn quipped.

     “You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you?”

     “Where’s the fun in that?”

     The two of them stared each other down for a beat. Ashlyn was the first to break, giving Ali a genuine, if timid, smile. “Really, I could’ve waited.”

     “I could’ve, too,” came Ali’s reply.

     An awkward silence fell between them. Ashlyn rocked back on her heels, feeling the amp beginning to dig into the top of her shoulder. She wasn’t sure why, but she didn’t want to leave just yet. After two weeks of continuing an argument with Elevator Girl – _Ali,_ she reminded herself – now she felt the strongest desire to sit down on the edge of the stage with her and talk about any and everything.

     It was probably because every time they made eye contact, Ashlyn felt a warm swooping feeling in the pit of her stomach.

     “So,” Ashlyn trailed off, ducking her head to try and catch Ali’s gaze.

     “So,” Ali said back to her, returning a smile. She reached up to twirl the end of her ponytail, nervously flicking the strands between her fingers.

     “Ali! You coming?” One of her friends called from the other side of the curtain. It was only a matter of time until they came looking and Ashlyn didn’t want to be found gawking at her.

     She readjusted the amp one more time, motioning over to the backdoor where the van was waiting. “I really ought to get this stuff packed or I’ll be here all night. Thanks for coming. I hope you enjoyed it.”

     Ali nodded, distractedly looking back at the curtains, “Yeah, I need to get going too. Um, I had a good time. You guys are pretty good.”

     “Pretty good?” Ashlyn scoffed and Ali rolled her eyes.

     “Whatever.”

     Ash started making her way back to the door but stopped before turning the corner, “See you around, Ali.”

     In response, Ali just grinned back at her before turning to leave.

* * *

     “I can’t _wait_ until I’m in bed. It’s been such a long day. Whoever had the bright idea to come to a show when we’ve all been up since 5 am _on a Saturday_ needs to be hazed,” Alicia lamented, unlocking the doors to her car so everyone could pile in.

     Everyone chimed in their agreement except Ali who was too busy thinking about her exchange with the guitarist. Somehow the last two weeks’ worth of frustrating recollection had faded away from the first time they locked eyes across the room. Ali had been content since their first encounter to explain away her lingering thoughts with unresolved provocation, but it was much harder now that they’d said their awkward apologies and yet Ashlyn’s face still swam in the forefront of her mind.

     Of course, thinking about the kiss that had been air blown her way didn’t help matters much either.


	3. something to do with magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn plays soccer with some friends and is surprised by who joins in.

     “Great practice Krieger!”

     Ali turned around at the voice, smiling when she saw Christen running towards her. She slowed to a stop, allowing her to catch up. “You too, Pressy. You were killing it out there. I’m guessing those camps over the summer helped?”

     Christen did an exaggerated snap and double take, “Girl please. Like I _need_ any extra help. That’s all me.” But when Ali playfully rolled her eyes, Christen nodded. “Really though, the camps were great. It was so weird playing with girls from all over the country. We were all supposed to be on the same team but man college rivalries are hard to ignore sometimes.”

     “I’ll bet. Any good fights?” Ali asked, holding the door open to the locker room.

     “Oh you know, the typical regional spats. You’d forget that USC and Stanford were in the same state with the way some of those girls dogged on each other. It was a lot of fun and helpful to be there though. It makes me feel like even though I’m not at one of those big-name schools, I still have a good shot.”

     She sounded optimistic, but Ali knew Christen rode a thin line with her dream of being a big-time soccer player. One day she was telling Ali to start printing the jerseys and the next she was talking about how veterinarian school wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

     Ali wrapped her arm around Christen, pulling her in for a bear hug. “I can’t wait to watch you at a World Cup, Pressy. I can already imagine your face on a box of Wheaties.”

     Christen preened, turning to open her locker, “I only hope I can still have time for my college bestie when I’m rolling around with Mia Hamm, you know.”

     With a mock scandalized expression, Ali started twisting the towel in her hands, positioning herself behind Christen who wasn’t paying attention. “Excuse me? Who brings you coffee when you don’t wake up on time to get it yourself? Who makes sure you have clean uniforms for practice? Who has stayed up _countless_ times to watch the Bachelor with you?”

     Ali snapped the end of the towel, catching Christen square on her ass. With a squeal, she turned and threw up her hands defensively. “Oh please, don’t pretend you don’t love trashy reality TV. Oh, and the wine.”

     Dropping the towel, Ali nodded, “Okay yeah you’re right on that one.”

     As Christen turned to peel her sweaty top off, Ali stopped her. “Hey,” when the forward turned, Ali flashed her a bright smile, “Mia Hamm doesn’t have anything on you.”

* * *

     Ashlyn and Kelley crossed campus, both with backpacks and a six pack of beer each. They made their way to the open field between the football stadium and one of the administration buildings where the rest of the band and some other guys were waiting to play a pick-up game of soccer.

     “So did you play as a kid?” Kelley asked, ducking her head against a gust of wind.

     Ashlyn nodded, pulling her sleeves down around her knuckles, “Yeah, as a kid up through high school. My brother played and I was always stuck playing the goalie. By the time my parents put me in little league, I didn’t bother playing anywhere else. I was already good at it, so why not?”

     “Ah. My parents had me in everything. You name a sport, I played it. Water polo is fun.” Ashlyn did a double take and Kelley clicked her tongue, “Yep. I’m surprised they didn’t find somewhere to have me play real polo, like on horses. I even have a functional knowledge of cricket.”

     “Now you’re just makin’ shit up,” Ashlyn said, raising a hand to wave at the guys.

     “Yeah, maybe,” Kelley stuck her tongue out. “So this is what you want to do on your birthday, huh?”

     Ashlyn nodded again, “It started my freshman year. You know, I’m from Florida so I moved up here and didn’t know anyone. I’d just joined the band because I figured I do that relatively well and it seemed like a fun way to meet people. Well, the night before my birthday, we had a practice and I let slip what the next day was and the guys found out I didn’t have any plans. Can you believe it, they showed up at my dorm the next day with a bunch of beer and a soccer ball?”

     “That’s nice! They didn’t want you to be alone on your birthday!” They stopped at a bench to put the beer in waiting coolers and Ashlyn got her gloves out.

     “I know, right? Rory’s a big soccer guy, he plays on the men’s team here. We’d talked once about what I did back at home and I got invited to their male bonding time.” They sat on the ground together, Ashlyn lacing up some old cleats and Kelley cracking open a can.

     “So phase one of your 21st birthday is ragtag soccer. What’s phase two?” Kelley asked, wiping foam from her mouth.

     “Jason mentioned strippers,” she started and Kelley grabbed onto her forearm. “But I don’t know about that one. I’ve never been to a strip club before. I don’t know if I could handle it.”

     “I would hate for you to die alone, friend. What are band mates for but to spend way too much money on way too beautiful women together?”

     Ashlyn grinned, pretending to write on a clipboard, “Cause of death: lap dance.”

     They laughed together as the guys walked up. Jason was in typical workout gear, Rory was in full dress wearing his Messi jersey and juggling a ball, and Ricky looked ready for a grungy photoshoot.

     “Soccer in jeans, Ricky?” Kelley asked, gesturing to him.

     “Always gotta look sharp, O’Hara. What if girls show up?” Ricky said, popping an invisible collar.

     “Girls _are_ here, Ricky,” Ashlyn deadpanned, indicating to both herself and Kelley.

     “Well you know. Girls that … girls who are …” As he spluttered for words, Rory nudged him out of the way.

     “So who wants to play some soccer?”

* * *

     Ali and Christen lead a group of girls back towards the dorm, hanging out on their way to their sorority house just five minutes beyond it from the soccer field. Bundled up against the eagerness of fall, they chattered aimlessly as they walked, discussing classes and their upcoming game against Michigan State. No one was paying attention when a soccer ball flew past them, crunching its way into the shrubbery right off the sidewalk.

     “Hey! Can you pass the ball back?” Ali heard a guy ask and she turned her head towards the big open field.

     Someone in a Messi jersey ran towards them, hands open to receive.

     “Sorry! Didn’t mean to kick it so close,” he said, rather quieter as he drew near.

     One of her teammates, Julia, dug the ball out of the bush and did an overhead toss to him. As they prepared to continue, Ali paused, “Hey, don’t I know you?”

     The guy smiled, thumbing back to the figures running around on the grass. “Maybe. We’re in that cover band, Velvet Moon.”

     “Oh! I just saw you guys two weeks ago. I really enjoyed it!” Ali said, turning and nudging Christen. “This is that band I told you about, the one where –“

     Christen’s eyes immediately went wide, “OH! The one with the _guitarist_?” She asked, unable to hide the excited grin.

     Ali tried to suppress her rolling eyes. She didn’t think she’d mentioned it that much, but thinking back … she supposed that she had gone into unnecessary detail about the way the guitarist, _Ashlyn_ , had talked to her after the show, that stupid kiss she had blown … and she was sure that she should’ve skipped over telling Christen how fascinated she was with the few tattoos she’d been able to see on her arms.

     The Messi fan looked at her questioningly, slowly nodding, “You mean Ashlyn? Blonde? Snapbacks? Flirts with the crowd?”

     Christen tried again to make that same face at Ali, but the latter shrugged her off, looking behind him. “Are you guys playing a game?”

     He nodded and turned, motioning for the rest of the group to come over to where they were standing. “Yeah, just a pick-up game. I can’t help but notice you ladies are carrying some soccer gear … Do you play for the school?”

     Julia scoffed, “Obviously someone doesn’t go to our games.” But she gave him a smile and a nod. “Just leaving practice.”

     “Well I wonder if I could interest you in a bit more of a workout,” he started, but the rest of the band arrived and Ali stopped listening.

 _I didn’t remember her being so pretty_ , she thought, staring the guitarist up and down. Her messy hair was up in a flyaway bun, a few strands whipping around her face in the breeze. The clothes she’d worn for the game were far too form fitting for Ali to ignore, wrapping around defined lean muscles in her arms and legs. Making matters much worse, when she noticed Ali standing in the group in front of her, she broke out another giant smile and that pesky dimple pulled a mirrored response from Ali.

     “Hey,” she said, giving Ali a wave, “didn’t expect to run into you.”

     “I could say the same to you.” Trying to not draw any attention to their one-on-one interaction, she turned to her teammates, “Anyone up for some more practice?”

     With a murmur of agreement from the other five with her, they started making their way towards the slightly overgrown field. Ali ran ahead to escape Christen’s elated expression.

* * *

     Ashlyn hopped around between the plastic goalposts, careful not to lean on them too much. They’d bought a kid’s practice goal the previous year after they grew tired of chasing Rory’s zealous shots. It gave even more of a challenge as it was roughly a third the size of a regular goal. She stretched down to grab her feet, covertly taking her time to look at Ali.

    She hadn’t expected to see her at all, that was true. In fact, when she walked up and saw who was talking to Rory, she almost turned around. Of course, once Kelley saw who they were talking to, she had a small hand in her ribs, pinching her over and over. Out of the corner of her eye, Ashlyn could see the drummer looking eagerly between the two of them as though there weren’t many other people present.

     Ali looked adorable, post exertion flush still coloring her cheeks, exacerbated by the breeze that was threatening to turn more into gusting wind. Ashlyn’s stomach started doing the same flip flop as before when they had talked backstage, no longer thinking of their first encounter and how they had left. Instead, she couldn’t fight the wide smile that broke out when the girls had agreed to play with them. It was rather hard to play a proper scrimmage with just the band, but five on six would make it interesting.

     They had all set back towards the field together, Ashlyn falling in step with Ali.

     “So she plays soccer,” she remarked and Ali nodded.

     “All my life,” she said proudly, “What about you?”

     “Same here,” Ashlyn agreed, “Casually though. After high school, I dropped it competitively. Didn’t really seem like something I wanted to do here.”

     Ali sat down to put her cleats back on. “That’s too bad. You should’ve played. If you’ve been playing since you were young you’re probably pretty good.”

     Ashlyn wiped her nails on her shirt and blew on them, “Not one to toot my own horn but –“

     “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Miss Humble, I know.” Ali unlaced her other shoe. “What brings you guys out here today?”

     Ashlyn laughed, “Well, it’s actually my birthday. It’s a band tradition to play on my birthday every year. I mean, at least since freshman year. Newish tradition, I guess.”

     Ali stopped fiddling with her shoe and looked up at her. “Aw, really? Happy birthday.”

     “Thanks. I’ll let you get away with not getting me anything this year but you’ll have to make up for it next year.” Ashlyn teased.

     “I’ll keep that in mind,” Ali said, rolling her eyes.

* * *

     “Here, here!” Ali called, running up the right side. Julia sent her a ground pass, meeting her pace perfectly.

     Ali sprinted forward, spinning out of the guy wearing jeans ( _Who the hell wears jeans to play soccer?),_ looking up to see Christen unguarded in the middle of the other players. “Pressy!”

     Perfected over two years of being teammates, Christen knew exactly where to go and her summer camps paid off – the shot off of her right foot was gorgeous, but it didn’t take into consideration the four foot wide goal. Ashlyn barely had to make a move to deflect, and Rory went running to recover.

     “Damn,” Ali said, stopping next to Ashlyn, “I thought for sure we’d be running circles around you guys by now.”

     Ashlyn shot her the finger through her gloves but smiled right after, “Behold Tiny Goal: the equalizer.”

     Kelley came jogging over, looking at Rory, “That was a hell of a kick. Looks like Rory’s gotta go halfway to Canada to get it back.”

     “That’s Chris for you,” Ali said, smiling back at her teammate.

     For some reason, Kelley punched Ashlyn in the shoulder. “Chris?” she asked Ali.

     “Yeah,” Ali said questioningly, trying to catch Ashlyn’s eye but she seemed determine to study Rory’s progress, “Christen Press.”

     Kelley hooted in laughter and walked away, shaking her head.

     “What was that?” Ali asked, and she noticed a bright red blush on Ashlyn’s neck.

     “Nothing. I think she got a concussion on that last header, I don’t know.” And before Ali could question her sudden squirrely avoidance, “Hey Rory! Toss it here!”

* * *

     An hour later, the combination of the setting sun and the whistling wind had everyone wanting to call it quits. They were miraculously still tied at zero, and Ashlyn knew they owed it mostly to Rory who was running around like a madman. Still, she already felt some welts and bruises from deflecting shots. The curly haired forward, Christen Press, had a foot like a rocket.

 _"_ So that’s Chris huh?" Kelley had snickered in her ear as Rory ran the ball down to their goal. Ashlyn just shoved her away, not willing to acknowledge her relief that it seemed, for the moment, that Ali didn’t have a boyfriend.

     With another long shot, Jason went running into the field and everyone stopped, milling around while chafing their arms and legs. Ricky tossed Ashlyn another beer and she sat on the ground to take a long pull.

     “Birthday girl, how about we say first goal wins?” Ricky asked, rubbing his palms together.

     Ashlyn considered this, watching Jason run back. “That sounds good to me. Unless the temperature drops a bit more. Florida is calling my name. Our winters just mean we have to break out the jeans.”

     She caught the way Ali laughed out loud at her joke, and wanted to make her do it again. Before she made a follow up comment, it seemed that Ricky shared her sentiment. He sidled up next to her, brushing back his hair.

     “What are you doing later? All of you, I mean.” Ricky considered himself a ladies’ man, and it seemed he was starting to roll out his act.

     Ashlyn frowned. She wasn’t fully deluding herself. She knew she was curious about Ali; she’d been interested since that first day. She still needed to find out if she would even have a chance with her, but she didn’t think she’d have interference from her own band mate.

     Ali gave him a gracious smile, “It depends on the invitation.”

     That didn’t sound good.

     “It’s Ashlyn’s birthday and the guys and I were talking about taking her to a strip club.” Ali’s head turned towards Ashlyn who had started gravitating towards them.

     “Strip club, huh?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

     Ashlyn just smiled, shaking her head, “This is what happens when you roll with a bunch of bros.” Kelley punched her in the arm. “You’re still included in that Kel.”

     Ricky grew even closer to Ali, and Ashlyn in turn moved forward. “Can’t help it. I’m fascinated with beautiful women.”

     He winked at Ali, and Ashlyn was disappointed to hear her giggle. Her elation from finding out that _Chris_ was a teammate was quickly fading into oblivion. _Not him, not Ricky_ , she thought to herself, _It’s not fair_.

     However, Ali took a half step back, still addressing Ashlyn. “And you?” Off Ashlyn’s puzzled look, “Are you also fascinated with beautiful women?”

     There was something interesting in the end of her question, coupled with the mischievous sparkle in her eye. A few moments passed and Ashlyn spluttered a reply, “Yeah, yes. Who wouldn’t be? Right?”

     “Right!” Ricky said, and Ashlyn wished he would’ve let Ali say whatever she’d started to open her mouth for. “Yeah, we’re gonna see if we can’t get her a special birthday lap dance from her perfect girl.”

     “Oh, you have a type?” That playful look was still all over Ali’s face and Ashlyn nodded.

     “Yeah, I uh, um, blondes,” she’d said, unwilling to share what she actually liked but Ricky unhelpfully chimed in.

     “Since when Harris?” He said, waving a hand at her. “She likes brunettes.”

     “Are we gonna play soccer any time soon?” Ashlyn said, trying to ignore both of Ali’s raised eyebrows.

     Thankfully, Ali changed track, but she still smirked at Ashlyn from the corner of her eye. “Well, thanks anyway, but I’ve already got plans.”

     Ricky groaned, “Aw, that sucks. Next time. Or you know, any time. I can give you my number if you’d like. If you’re ever looking for someone to hang out with, study with—“

     “Are you even still enrolled Ricky?” Jason asked, chiming in.

     Ricky shot him the finger, and Ashlyn added a mental note to give Jason something good for Christmas.

     “Can I get anyone else a beer? We’ve got a ton over here.” Ashlyn was also deeply grateful for Kelley, and shot her a thumbs up as Ali, Christen, and two of the other girls walked over to the coolers.

* * *

     It only took fifteen more minutes for the wind to win the game. Ali was having fun at first, but her sweat slicked hair likely had icicles forming. It seemed Christen shared her sentiment as she huddled in to Ali, rubbing their bodies together for friction.

     “Cold, Pressy?” she snickered and shrieked when she had an ice-cold face buried into her neck.

     “Don’t play. You just don’t want goalie-girl to think you’re unavailable.”

     Ali gently shoved Christen away, watching as Ashlyn started her next can of beer. “Not hardly,” she said, but with zero conviction and Christen noticed.

     “Anyway, we can both pretend you just agreed. Girl, this is my first time seeing the two of you together and I can see it. Hell, Stevie Wonder can see it.”

     “ _Whatever_ ,” Ali said, seeing Rory crossing over and meeting him halfway. “So what’s the call, Messi?”

     Rory smiled, jerking his head back at the rest of Velvet Moon. “We’re finished here. Damn wind is just getting stronger and the sun’s almost gone. We’ll call it a draw this time.”

     The rest of the girls had come over and all murmured their agreement. Ali nodded, “Yeah, we’re done too. We took it easy on you today. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.” She grinned at him and they all turned away to grab their bags.

     As Ali pulled her duffle over her shoulder, she saw Ashlyn jogging over to her.

     “Hey, thanks for playing with us today,” she said, rubbing her gloved hands together.

     “No problem. It was fun until the cold started,” Ali said, turning back to see Christen giving her a significant look.

     “So … d’you. I –” Ashlyn started.

     “Yes?” Ali asked, “Just spit it out.”

     “I just. Okay,” Ashlyn took a breath, grinning despite herself. “I want to be friends.”

     Ali blinked at her, not expecting that sentence.

     Ashlyn saw her blank expression and started to backtrack, “I mean, if you want to be friends. We don’t have to be friends. I don’t even know you so I get it if you don’t want to be friends. It’s okay— “

     “Yes, let’s be friends,” Ali said, reaching out her hands to grab onto Ashlyn’s forearm. “Calm down.”

     Ashlyn looked down at Ali’s hands on her arm and Ali pulled back, clasping her fingers together. They stood awkwardly, Ashlyn rocking on her heels and Ali pulling at a loose thread in her jacket sleeve.

     “Uh, we can hang out this weekend? I mean, if you don’t have anything going on?” Ashlyn asked, face full of hope.

     Ali began to smile and then it faltered as she remembered something. “Shoot. I can’t, I’m sorry.”

     “You’re always busy, huh?” Ashlyn asked, and Ali thought she could hear disappointment behind her words.

     “Well, it’s my own fault. I’ve left some homework until the last minute. It’s a midterm. I’ll be doing that all weekend. Maybe once I get to next Saturday unscathed,” Ali said.

     “What’ve you got to do?” Ashlyn asked.

     “I’m an Advertising major. I was supposed to go to an event and do a tailored plan for how I would’ve gone about doing the promotion and publicity. Of course, there’s been soccer and all of my other classes and I’ve left it too long.” Ali looked exasperated, “I don’t even know where to go.”

     Ashlyn’s face lit up, “I think I have an idea. There’s a public art show in Denver on Saturday. I know some people who are being showcased so I was going to go to show my support. You could come along, if you’d like.”

     “Art show?” Ali asked, smiling, “Are you an artist?”

     Ashlyn shrugged bashfully, “I mean, I try. I’m a sculpting major.” When Ali looked surprised, Ashlyn grinned, “What, did you think I was here majoring in Garage Band?”

     When Ali didn’t answer, Ashlyn asked, “So Saturday, whatcha think?”

     Ali considered for a minute. “Yeah, that sounds great. Let’s do it.”

     “Awesome!” Ashlyn dug her phone out of her backpack, pressing some buttons and thrusting it to Ali. “Text yourself so I’ll have your number and you can have mine, and we can figure it out from there.”

     Ali typed in her number, adding a smiley face and pressing send. “Gotcha. So, I’ll text you.”

     Ashlyn smiled, pocketing her phone. “See you Saturday.”

* * *

     Kelley watched Ashlyn walk back towards her, Ali turning back to her friends to head in another direction.

     “So what was that about?” she asked, tugging down Ashlyn’s beanie over her eyes.

     “Nothing,” she said, fixing her hat.

     “Nothing needed you to give her your phone? Ashlyn! Did you get her number? Did you tell her she’s got a cute butt? Are you going on a date?” Kelley asked, bouncing and Ashlyn barely dodged a stream of beer.

     “It’s not a date,” she said, “We’re just going to hang out. That’s all.”

     Inwardly, Ashlyn’s heart and the butterflies in her stomach agreed with Kelley’s snorted, “Yeah right.”       


	4. you fill up the space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali and Ashlyn go to the Denver Art Show and their first day together.

     “So what about this one?”

     Across the room, lying diagonally across Ashlyn’s bed, Kelley cackled and reached in for another handful of chips. “You know, I honestly never thought I’d see you stressing this much about going on a date.”

     “A, we’ve known each other for like a month and a half. B, I’m not stressing,” Ashlyn said to the mirror, mostly to herself, as she fidgeted with the creased pockets on her button up. “And it’s _not_ a date so stop calling it one.”

     “I think you should try telling yourself that. I’m not the one spazzing out.”

     Ashlyn scowled at Kelley’s reflection. When she didn’t get an answer, she cleared her throat and indicated at her outfit in the mirror. Kelley sighed deeply, climbing forward to flop onto her stomach.

     “I already told you that I like the blue striped one the best. That one’s good though! Ugh.” It was no use; Ashlyn was already pulling the buttons apart, removing the garment and tossing it into a pile on the floor.

     Ashlyn rummaged through the clothes lying on her roommate’s bed, wishing she’d gone and picked something new up for the day’s trip. “Where’s the blue striped one? I can’t— “

     Her words were cut short when Kelley pulled it from half underneath her. “You told me to hang onto it twenty minutes ago.” She checked the bedside clock while Ashlyn fastened the shirt for the third time. “You better make up your mind soon. You said you had to be out of here at 10:30 right?”

     “10:45,” Ashlyn said absent-mindedly, turning to check herself from behind. “She said to get there at 11. I don’t want to show up early— “

     “Like someone overly eager?”

     “ _Early and inconvenience her_ ,” Ashlyn said with a pointed look, still revolving back and forth.

     “’Inconvenience’? Wow, what a nerd,” Kelley said, rolling onto her back. “Your ass looks fine, I promise you. Quit checking yourself out.”

     Ashlyn spun on her heel and crossed the room, leaping onto her bed and onto Kelley’s stomach. “Aww, you think my ass is fine. Is that what this is? Are you jealous I’m hanging out with Ali?”

     Kelley struggled to get free, shifting away from Ashlyn’s elbow that was aimed for her face. “Why would I be jealous? I thought you said it wasn’t a date.”

     “Duh. It’s not,” Ashlyn said a bit too quickly, climbing down from her bed and immediately returning to the mirror. “It’s a tutoring session if anything. I’m helping her do homework.”

     “Maybe she’s got a teacher fetish. Maybe she’ll bring you an apple and you can spend the day teaching her some new things.” Kelley dodged a balled-up shirt aimed straight at her head. “I’m just saying, I’m not getting the lesbianic vibe from her.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes, rummaging on her messy desk top for her spray bottle. “It doesn’t matter to me one way or the other.” When she finally had it, she flipped her hair over for a couple of spritzes, shaking a few times for good measure. She stood back up, tossing the bottle back in the general direction it came from. “I mean, I think she is but you know – “

     “It doesn’t matter. Yeah, you said as much,” Kelley said, crumpling Ashlyn’s pillow under her head and closing her eyes. “Look, you’re up and dressed at 10:30 on a Saturday morning. You’ve got _me_ up and dressed at 10:30 on a Saturday morning. If this isn’t a date right now, it better turn into one.”

     Ashlyn scoffed, “Kelley, you’re never dressed.”

     “I beg your pardon. Urban Outfitters runs a multi-million-dollar business based on the concept that plain t shirts, torn jeans and sweatpants are couture to someone.”

* * *

**The Flying Ashlyn:** hey, i’m on my way. is that cool?

     Ali picked up her phone to respond, debating mentally on how fast she wanted to press ‘send’. She didn’t want it to seem like she was waiting for Ashlyn’s notification, even though she’d been sitting on her bed fully dressed for thirty minutes already.

     As she stared down at the screen, Christen came into her room. “If you don’t quit, I’m telling her you spent the last three days re-reading your conversation.” She crashed down next to Ali, scooting until her head was laying in her lap.

     “Shut up,” Ali said, “She just texted, thank you very much. She’s on her way.”

     “Are you nervous?” Christen asked and Ali shook her head.

     “No, why would I be?” Her stomach betrayed her, dropping somewhere around her knees. She took a deep breath, steadying herself, and replied with a quick “yeah, see u soon”.

     Christen peeled the skin from an orange, shrugging her shoulder. “Oh I don’t know, maybe because you _have_ spent the last three days re-reading your conversation.” When Ali popped her leg up, Christen had to hang onto her waist to stay on the bed. “Hey, it’s me you’re trying to fool here. Don’t think I don’t know what you look like when you’ve got a crush on someone.”

     “It’s not a crush,” Ali said, absentmindedly scrolling up through their short conversation from a few days before.

 **Ali:** happy bday! hope u don’t face plant into a strippers lap tonight :)

 **The Flying Ashlyn:** haha, thanks but that sounds like a pretty good evening to me, idk

 **Ali:** omg ur terrible! prob right tho ;) so sat?

 **The Flying Ashlyn:** let’s do it! I can drive since it was my great idea. the show starts at noon so what time works to pick you up?

 **Ali:** 11\. gives me time to look good so I can meet ur friends :) want to make a good impression

 **The Flying Ashlyn:** as long as you don’t get into a fight with them in the first 15 seconds like you did with me, i think you’ll be good. 

 **Ali:** ugh stop. ill see u at 11. pi beta phi house.

 **The Flying Ashlyn:** they’re not gonna make me do some weird ceremony just to pick you up are they? I don’t know how you greek people work

 **Ali** : ill tell them to take it easy on u ;)

     That was the last she’d heard from her. Ali debated each day since on something to say to spark conversation, unsure of what she wanted besides knowing Ashlyn was thinking about her just as much. The lack of initiation from the blonde kept her silent, and Saturday morning took forever to arrive.

     Christen leaned to toss her orange peel into the trashcan, her movement bringing Ali back to attention. Between popping slices into her mouth, Christen smiled. “Are you nervous?” She asked again but this time, Ali just grinned back at her.

* * *

     Ashlyn only had to idle at the curb for fifteen seconds before Ali came bouncing out of the front door and down the steps, a bright smile on her face. Inwardly, Ashlyn begged herself to keep her cool but she already felt her palms getting sweaty at the idea of being alone with her for such a long period of time. She kept trying to remind herself that it was only their fourth time actually interacting but somehow it didn’t settle her as much as she hoped it would.

     “Hi,” Ali said, opening the door and sliding down onto the bench seat. “How’s it going?”

     “Good,” Ashlyn said, inhaling a wave of shampoo and perfume that was not unpleasant. In fact, her head spun a little and she fought the urge to shake it clear. “How about you? Ready to see some art?”

     Ali nodded, indicating the brown leather book bag on her lap. “Yep. Ready to get this midterm knocked out. I checked out the website for the show last night to prime myself on what to look at and develop.”

     Ashlyn pulled away from the curb, giving her a look of approval. “Look at you little Miss Perfect Student. Let me guess, you watch your GPA like a hawk?” Ali’s pursed lips answered her question adequately enough and she grinned at her. “That’s a good thing though. You advertising people need to have good attention to detail. So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

     Ali took a deep breath as though readying a prepared answer. “Once I graduate I’m going to be a junior account manager, hopefully at a medium level company. Think tri-regional retailer, something along those lines. I’ll put in my time and move up until I can get into a senior account executive role. I want to make the jump to the creative side in about ten years, so to do that …”

     She lost her train of thought when she saw Ashlyn shaking with quiet laughter. “What’s so funny?” Ali asked, partially annoyed.

     “No, it’s not … it’s not funny. It’s just,” Ashlyn started, looking between Ali’s scowl and the road ahead. “You’re just so prepared. I feel like this is a job interview.”

     “Preparation isn’t a bad thing,” Ali said curtly, focusing out the window at the traffic light they were stopped at.

     “Not at all. I just – what do _you_ want?” Ashlyn asked, as kindly as she could.

     “Are you trying for some sort of deep moment? Make me realize life is more than the daily grind and climbing the ladder?” Ali proposed scathingly.

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “ _No_ , I just asked if –“

     Ali turned to her. “Well let’s put you in the hot seat. What do you want to be when you grow up?”

     “Professional sculptor with my own studio,” Ashlyn said promptly. “I want my art in cities all over the world. I’d design for houses or buildings or whatever. Ideally I want to connect more people to the art of sculpting. I’m into the more modern, metal sculptures. We’ve seen appreciation for marble and stone. I want there to be as much reverence for metal.”

     Ali considered her for a moment, reactionary smile on her face listening to Ashlyn talk about her dream. “That sounds nice.” She said quietly, looking back out the window as they merged onto the freeway and the mountain scape of Boulder began to recede.

     They sat in a comfortable silence until Ashlyn was biting her lip, wondering how to start another conversation. She didn’t wait long before Ali spoke again, still facing the window. “I want to change the way we connect people to consumerism.”

     Ashlyn waited, wanting to hear more.

     Ali turned, taking a deep breath, deep in thought. “Sometimes materialism is just that: valuing things more than anything else, but sometimes I think we’re at the start of a time where technology and other advancements are giving us a world where we don’t have to just want what we need. It’s not about being rich enough to have wants, but rather creating a relationship between people and things; creating a harmony, I guess.”

     In the silence, Ali turned and gave Ashlyn a crinkle eyed smile. “That sounds kind of crazy, even to me.”

     Ashlyn responded with a smile and she shook her head. “No, I think it’s ambitious and you’ve got an interesting thought process. I’d like to live in your world. Well, er, _that_ world. The one with the – the one that you’re talking about.”

     When Ashlyn faced forward to stare at the road, Ali found the blush creeping onto her cheeks adorable.

* * *

     As the Denver skyline grew larger in front of them, the conversation had started to flow easier. It felt natural for them to sit together talking, spending the drive on a range of topics from hobbies to favorite movies to family. There wasn’t much traffic and within 45 minutes, Ashlyn was exiting into downtown Denver.

     “So you have just one brother then?” Ashlyn asked, looking over at her as they waited at a light.

     Ali nodded, “Yep, Kyle. He’s just … we’re super close. I miss him all of the time.”

     The light turned green and they continued on, Ashlyn turning onto the next street. “Yeah, I agree with that. Where’s Kyle?”

     “Los Angeles,” Ali said, craning her neck to look out the windows. “He’s studying to be a hair stylist. He’s really good. I think he can make it.”

     “So he wants to stay there? Do you see yourself in LA one day?”

     “Maybe,” Ali responded thoughtfully. “Or Germany.”

     Ashlyn turned to Ali with an incredulous look. “Germany? Do tell.”

     “Well, _Krieger_ , you know. Ancestry and family lines. I’ve always thought it would be fun to go live over in Europe for a few years before I got to the settled part of my life.” Off a look from Ashlyn, “Marriage and kids and the picket fence. Unless I find that there and become an expat.”

     Unsure of what to say, ignoring the foolishly petulant protest rising in her throat, Ashlyn pointed ahead of the car. “Alright Miss Daisy, we’ve arrived.”

     Ali read a sign bearing the words “Welcome to the Denver Art Festival 2011” and looked at the different stalls as they crept by, making their way to the underground parking garage. Just from the car, there were all sorts of art mediums to look at, and Ali anxiously awaited the moment they could walk through the full festival.

     “You look like a kid on Christmas morning,” Ashlyn said with a snort, rolling down her window to pay the parking fee.

     Ali just stuck her tongue out.

* * *

     “Ali, this is Mac. Mac, this is my friend Ali.”

     Ali reached forward to take the guy’s hand, eyes wide in appreciation. “It’s so nice to meet you. Gosh, I love your stuff.”

     “Thanks, that’s awesome of you to say,” Mac said, tossing his dreadlocks to the other shoulder while turning. “Which pieces do you like the best?”

     It was with an honest bewilderment that Ali raised her hands. “Honestly, I can’t decide.”

     “Now don’t blow smoke up his ass,” Ashlyn smirked, batting away a playful smack. “Mac’s been painting since he was … what? Thirteen?”

     “Twelve,” he said proudly, pulling out a binder full of sleeve protected works. “It started out as a resistance against my parents.”

     Ali gingerly turned each page, progressing through years of Mac’s artistic growth. What started on the first page as the rough, disproportionate outline of a man’s body soon became diverse flowing portraits, stunning in their detail and color.

     “When they found out I was attracted to boys, I guess they thought that if they kept me from being around them, I’d lose interest. My mother began homeschooling me, taking liberal, if you pardon my ironic expression, departures from what would’ve been traditional education. In secret, I kept notebooks with drawings of boys and men. It was a mixture of my ideal interests along with the dreams in my head. I don’t think I’d drawn a thing since first grade before that,” he said with a smile.

     “Wow,” Ali said in murmured reverence, gliding her fingertips across the protected pages. “They’re really beautiful.”

     “They’ve done a lot of growing over the years but they still hate hearing how they inspired what became my semi-successful art career, particularly about my subjects.” He indicated to the hanging wall behind him where a large canvas hang bearing an intricate depiction of two lovers embracing. “This is a picture of one of my ex-boyfriends and me.”

     Ali closely examined the canvas, her fingers itching to reach out and touch the raised paint streaks. “At the risk of sounding like a broken record – wow. Just, it’s incredible.”

     “So was he, up until the end,” Mac said, folding his arms in a sassy pose. “I titled this piece ‘Laredo’. I name all of them after ex-boyfriends so I can keep track of where I can never go again!”

     The three of them laughed together, stopping only when Mac waved a hello to a couple walking up to his stall. Ashlyn raised a hand in farewell. “We’ll circle around later, Mac.”

     He gave a short wave, smiling again at Ali, “It was lovely to meet you, Ali.”

     “Same to you!” she said, waving goodbye.

     The two of them walked away, shoulder to shoulder against the throngs of people walking through the aisles. It was more than Ali expected; between the sights of tons of art and sounds of different music coming from different stalls combined with multiple food trucks, her senses were nearly overwhelmed. Ashlyn seemed to sense it in her as well, hovering an arm around her shoulder and steering her to a quieter space.

     “How are you doing?” she asked, looking into Ali’s wandering eyes.

     “There’s so much to see! I want to look at all of it at once.” The excitement in her voice leaked through, bringing out Ashlyn’s full dimpled smile.

     “So you’re happy?” she asked and Ali nodded emphatically.

     “Yes, totally. This is great.” She gave Ashlyn a genuine smile, “Thank you so much for bringing me.”

     “Anytime,” Ashlyn said, gesturing for Ali to walk ahead towards another row of stalls.

     As they turned the corner, Ali gestured over her shoulder back towards Mac.

     “How long have you known him?” Ali asked.

     Ashlyn considered a moment. “My freshman year, I came to this art show and he was here. I’d seen some of his stuff online and so we talked a lot about his paintings and different work I’d been following. He’d been showcased on an LGBT website I spent a lot of time on in high school.” She chuckled, thinking of a memory, “God you should’ve been there when I finally met him. I was so star struck. It was embarrassing.”

     “That would’ve been funny to see,” Ali agreed, dodging a trash barrel.

     “It was,” she said, “but he was so cool. I showed him some designs I had come up with, things I didn’t have resources to put together yet and he worked with me on tweaking them. One of the first things I made in school was something he critiqued. It’s sitting in my dorm room on top of my desk.” Her voice had a note of pride.

     “I’d like to see some of your stuff,” Ali said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

     Ashlyn bit the corner of a smile, “It’s not like this, not yet. It’ll get there though. Hopefully,” she added.

     "Then you can be like Mac. Get a series going,” Ali said. “You can even name them after ex-girlfriends.”

     Ashlyn shrugged it off, shaking her head. “For ones that’d be worth a piece, I’d probably have … three? Maybe four.”

     “Still, if they’re worth a sculpture they must each be important,” Ali teased.

     Ashlyn pretended to think on it, chin in her hand. “Define important,” she deadpanned and Ali laughed. “What about you?”

     “What about me?” But she was relatively sure of what she was asking, and it was true when Ashlyn clarified.

     “Let’s say you had to do some … I don’t know, ads on your exes. How many would you have?” Ashlyn wished she had the nerve to ask the true defining question, the one burning in her mind for the last few weeks.

     Ali started to cotton on, giving her a sideways glance. “I don’t know if they’d be ads so much as PSAs against dating them,” she said and then added a hasty, “Just kidding. Nah, probably … yeah, three.”

     “Three,” Ashlyn repeated, and she realized the two of them were mostly just shuffling back and forth, not paying attention to the different stalls around them. “So, Ali Krieger has three major ex-boyfriends?”

     Ali tilted her head in a challenge and Ashlyn studied her face closely. “Three major …”

     “Exes,” Ali said, sly grin playing at the corners of her mouth. “Two guys and one girl.”

     There was a combination reaction in Ashlyn’s chest: warm excitement when realizing she said ‘girl’ but dimmed when she finally processed ‘guys’. She tried to play it cool, conversationally adding, “Oh, that’s unexpected.”

     “Unexpected good, or unexpected bad?” Ali asked, searching Ashlyn’s eyes for indication. She received what was probably intended as a non-committal shrug but she could see it, hidden not so well. “Unexpected bad, but I’m not quite sure why.”

     Ashlyn shook her head, taking off again in an aimless direction and urging Ali to follow along, “No not a bad thing,” she said, “just unexpected.”

     Ali stopped her, folding her arms. “Don’t tell me you have a thing against bisexuals.”

     Ashlyn raised her hands in defense, “Not at all.”

     She received nothing but a raised eyebrow in response and Ashlyn pointed ahead. “I think there’s a churro stand over there.” She took off, leaving a few steps between them.

* * *

     Two hours later, they stood at the stall of another friend of Ashlyn’s, this time showcasing digital media designs. Ali perused her portfolio, interested in the mix between creativity and professionalism.

     “I love your designs,” she said, pointing to a business card in a holder. “This looks like something from, I don’t know, Google or somewhere like that.”

     The woman laughed, “Thanks. Mostly I work with small, local businesses. I don’t know if I could take the heat in Silicon Valley or New York or Chicago or somewhere like that. I like my life right here in Denver.”

     Ashlyn nodded, “Tara and I go on hikes sometimes in the spring together. Her girlfriend is a professional climber so she gets our asses in gear.”

     “A bit too in gear,” Tara said, rolling her eyes. “She announced last week that she wants to hike Mount Kilamanjaro on our honeymoon. I told her my ass was sitting in the sand next to warm blue waters. At this rate, we’ll have to Skype each other on our separate vacations,” she joked.

     Ali laughed, “My brother is into hiking too. When he comes to visit he always wants to spend time in the mountains. I love a good snowcap as much as the next girl, but sometimes you just want downtime.”

     “ _Exactly_ ,” Tara said. “I’ll have to tell Eli I’ve met another voice of reason.”

     Again, they were interrupted by an influx of new customers, and they said goodbye to Tara, taking off again down the line of stalls.

     “Just a question – do you have any straight friends?” Ali asked, grinning.

     “Of course I do! There’s uh …” Ashlyn pretended to think, exaggerating her pose. “Nah, I do. I mean, all three guys in the band are straight.”

     Ali rolled her eyes. “Oh I know Ricky is, that’s for sure.”

     The same flare of jealousy reared its ugly head in Ashlyn’s chest. She snorted, “Yeah I don’t think he could’ve tried any harder to get your number that day.”

     “I thought it was kind of cute,” Ali said, sensing Ashlyn’s irritation and poking at it.

     “You _would_ ,” Ashlyn said, a bit shorter than she intended.

     Ali gave her a dangerous look, and Ashlyn wish she could backtrack. “What does that mean, exactly?”

     "I just – you know, you could tell that you were flirting back with him, that’s all,” Ashlyn said, wishing more than anything that she didn’t sound quite as petulant as she knew she did.

     Ali made a dubious noise in the back of her throat. “Definitely not,” she said, arms crossing over her chest. “And anyway, what does it matter? What, do you want to warn him off the bisexual girl?”

     Ashlyn tried to sputter a refutation but Ali cut her off with a raised hand. “I know that’s what your deal is. Trust me, I get it all the time, which is why I typically don’t share it with just anyone. Guys think it’s an open invitation to ask for threesomes, straight girls think it’s just for attention and lesbians think I just can’t make up my mind.”

     There was nothing for Ashlyn to do but accept her onslaught, and eventually she stopped trying to respond. Instead, she stood still and just waited for the wave to pass.

     Ali began to walk ahead but stopped one more time, turning to Ashlyn and searching her eyes. “Besides, if you’d been paying attention, you would’ve known it wasn’t _him_ I was trying to flirt with.”

     Tossing her hair, she turned and made her way down the row of stalls, leaving Ashlyn dumbfounded and hurrying to catch up.

* * *

     A few minutes later, Ashlyn made a pit stop at a vendor stall. She found Ali at a nearby stand, looking at a selection of turquoise jewelry. When Ali looked up, Ashlyn presented her with freshly spun cotton candy. “Truce?” she asked, handing her the cone.

     Ali gave her a sheepish smile, accepting the treat. “Sorry,” she mumbled, pinching off a bite. “Let’s just say I was hungry.”

     Ashlyn shook her head, and they began walking again. “Nah, I was thinking what you were saying anyway. I’m sorry.” When Ali nodded, she continued, “If you couldn’t tell, my sculpture of _that_ particular ex would have lots of sharp edges.”

     “Still, this makes two fights in four times we’ve actually seen each other. I have a 50% antagonizing rate,” Ali said, taking another bite of cotton candy.

     “I wouldn’t call it a fight. Let’s say it was a public service announcement,” Ashlyn said, nudging their shoulders together.

     They walked in silence for a while, wordlessly sharing the rest of the cotton candy and peering into the remaining stalls on their walkthrough. Ashlyn felt good about smoothing the waters between them, but Ali’s last remark still replayed in her mind over and over: ‘it wasn’t him I was trying to flirt with’. She kept peeking over at Ali, wondering how to broach the subject, if she wanted to at all.

     Finally, right before Ashlyn felt she had the nerve to speak, Ali looked out of the corner of her eye. “I thought you were quicker than that, Harris,” she said, smirking.

     “What’s that?” Ashlyn asked.

     The mischievous look she’d seen that day on the field was back, and if possible, more pronounced. “Well, Rory said you were the flirt of the band and here you are, not even taking the bait.”

     Ashlyn exhaled the breath she’d been holding, her hands fidgeting with the candy cone wrapper. “Uh, I didn’t want to be presumptuous,” she said, searching for an excuse. “I didn’t think you were talking about uh –“

     “About you?” Ali asked.

     “Well, yeah.”

     “So let’s say for a minute that I am. What do you say to that?” Ali stopped, turning towards Ashlyn, who was determined to study every inch of the finished wrapper.

     “I say that … Well, it depends.”

     “On what exactly?”

     “Are you just looking for validation?”

     “Excuse me?”

 _Whoops_ , Ashlyn thought, backtracking for a second time. “No, I mean … Are you flirting or flirting flirting?”

     Ali rolled her eyes, giving Ashlyn an exasperated smile. “There’s a difference?” she asked.

     “See, I told Kelley there wasn’t,” Ashlyn said.

     The two of them sat in silence again and Ashlyn wondered if half of their friendship was going to be spent without words. Ali had a strange look on her face, as though trying to figure out the way Ashlyn worked. It was Ashlyn who spoke first, even though she looked mostly down at the ground.

     “What happened to friends?” she asked.

     Ali gave a non-commital shrug, instead walking forward and towards the exit. “You’re the one who said you wanted to be friends, not me.”

     Ashlyn followed behind her, mesmerized by the swaying of her hips.

* * *

     The ride back to Boulder saw no conversation about Ali’s comments. It was so strange that Ashlyn began to wonder if they’d had that talk in the first place. They chattered the same way they had on the way, easily finding different topics to discuss. A heated debate on the usage of pineapple on pizza was underway when Ashlyn pulled up to the front of Pi Beta Phi.

     “Look, give me your points all you want but you’re not going to change my mind. Pineapple is a fruit and doesn’t belong on my cheese and meat pizza. Sorry,” Ali said resolutely.

     Ashlyn groaned, “Have you ever even _tried_ it?”

     Ali scrunched up her nose, “Do I look crazy?”

     “I guess we’ll agree to disagree,” Ashlyn said, smiling at her. “We’ll just know in advance that we’ll need two separate pizzas if the situation arises.”

     Ali collected her bag, bulging from the addition of so many different prints and collectables that she’d purchased during the day. “I guess so. Hey, thanks for the ride and for the suggestion. This midterm will practically write itself.”

     “Wouldn’t that be nice?” Ashlyn asked, leaning her head back against her seat. “I have a practical on Wednesday that I’m absolutely not ready for.”

     “Go forth and study, Miss Harris,” Ali said, reaching for the door handle.

     When she got out, Ashlyn wished she could ask her to stay. Suddenly, it felt as though they’d not spent any time together at all and there was so much more she wanted to talk about. She wondered if Ali felt the same, watching her take her time to climb out and shut the door, lingering next to the rolled down window.

     “So, I’ll text you,” Ali said, fidgeting with the lip of the door.

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn said, head full of words that she couldn’t convince her mouth to say. Seconds added onto each other until Ali began to turn away. “Ali –” she started but Ali shook her head.

     “Next time,” she said with a grin and walked up the stone walkway. Ashlyn watched until the door closed behind her, fighting the urge to run after her the whole time.

* * *

**Kel:** so how did it go?

     Ashlyn laid in bed, holding her phone above her head. Across the room, her roommate Alyssa snored away. Even after spending most of the afternoon and evening decompressing, Ashlyn’s head still refused to quiet down.

 **Ashlyn:** great, I think. I don’t know

 **Kel:** how do you not know? You spent like five hours together today.

 **Ashlyn** : it’s complicated

 **Kel:** that sounds like code for you tried and got shot down

 **Ashlyn:** shut up, I did not. I think there’s something there but I think I missed an invitation

 **Kel:** how do you miss an invitation??

 **Ashlyn:** I dunno, I panicked

 **Kel:** i’m so disappointed in you.

 **Ashlyn:** thanks pal

 **Kel:** anytime

     Ashlyn slid her phone under her pillow, willing her brain to give up and finally let her sleep. Still, any time she closed her eyes, she kept replaying a montage of Ali’s smiles and laughs throughout the day, punctuated by echoes of the smell of her shampoo. Ashlyn groaned and rolled over, pressing her face deep into her mattress. It was going to be a long night.

     Her phone vibrated again and she slid it out, ready to tell Kelley to fuck off when she saw a new name on the screen.

 **Elevator Ali** : hey, I need to see u tomorrow

     Ashlyn stared at her phone screen, cursing Ali for giving her something else to agonize over. She watched the blinking cursor on the reply before getting another message.

 **Elevator Ali:** not like that. :) i left my wallet in ur car. i had it when we stopped at jamba juice but it’s not in my bag. do u mind running it over in the morning?

     Ashlyn breathed a sigh of relief and typed a quick response.

 **Ashlyn:** sure what time?

 **Elevator Ali:** well, if ur over before noon we have sunday brunch tomorrow. there’ll be pancakes

 **Ashlyn:** alright im sold. See you around 11:30?

 **Elevator Ali** : perfect. see u then

     Ashlyn let the phone fall to her side, but felt another buzz.

 **Elevator Ali:**  i didn’t mean to make it weird earlier. im sry

     Her mouth went dry, assuming Ali was talking about what she thought she was talking about.

 **Ashlyn:** no, im sorry. I told you, im fascinated by beautiful women. sometimes that means I end up not talking like an idiot.

 **Elevator Ali** : :)

     Ashlyn watched her screen for a few minutes, wondering if she was going to get another message or if that was where they were going to leave it. Finally, a last buzz.

 **Elevator Ali: i**  still don’t wanna be friends. do u?

 **Ashlyn:** no way. :) see you tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's totally how 2011 college Ali would've texted - fight me.
> 
> This was longer than I expected and I think it got convoluted. Hope you guys enjoy it!


	5. caving & crumbling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn hangs out at Ali's sorority house and then helps Christen and Ali out with an errand.

     Ashlyn made it to Pi Beta Phi right as the clock on her dash turned 11:30, the back tire of her truck bumping against the curb. She turned the ignition off, listening to the pops and cracks of her cooling engine, ignoring the thrumming pulse in her veins.

_"I still don’t wanna be friends, do you?”_

     The words still went through her head, over and over, even thirteen hours after she read them on her tiny phone screen. At the time, she’d felt brave and even debated continuing the conversation; she imagined all the ways she’d flirt and charm her way even further into Ali’s good graces until the next morning was definitively categorized as a date. In her happiest imaginings, Ashlyn was cool and suave and had Ali wrapped around her finger.

     In reality, Ashlyn had barely been able to sleep as she’d closed her eyes and could only picture Ali’s blinding white smile and the way she tossed her hair over her shoulder. She thought about her devious little grin and the way she seemed to enjoy challenging Ashlyn on every stance possible; her furrowed brow and the set hard line of her mouth and how deeply Ashlyn already wished to kiss her.

     She’d woken early that morning, solidly in single digit hours. Rather than waste away in bed, she’d gone to the school gymnasium and had run out as much of her anxiety as possible, even giving some time to heavy weights. Each rep came and went, sweat building up on Ashlyn’s brow and eventually dropping down onto the floor, and with it went the tiniest bit of apprehension at their pending meeting.

     Ashlyn wasn’t sure what had her the most unsettled about Ali – there was the obvious fact that she was gorgeous; possibly the most beautiful woman that Ashlyn had ever taken a shot at. It felt silly to admit, but Ashlyn was still shy around good-looking women. Beneath all her bravado there was a strong layer of nerves and self-doubt.

     After that, there was the matter of their last argument, if you could call it that. Despite Ali’s impassioned argument, Ashlyn still hadn’t budged from her initial judgement. Ever since she’d been dumped for a guy the previous summer, she’d vowed to strictly date other lesbians. She knew that if she cared to examine it that she’d find her stubborn opinion deeply rooted in the fear of being abandoned, but just as much as she knew it, she staunchly ignored it. In her mind, it was better to be safe than sorry.

     Still, she knew better than to pretend that she wasn’t painfully interested in nearly everything about Ali. She was so foreign to Ashlyn; clearly high maintenance, a handful of strong opinions and too much hairspray – but that almost made her even more enticing. She was exotic in a way that Ashlyn had never experienced.

     Her revelry was interrupted by the chirruping of her cell phone in her cup holder. As soon as she saw the name, she groaned.

            **Kel:** hey where are you – I thought we were meeting in the dining hall?

            **Ashlyn:** shit, I’m sorry. Ali forgot her wallet yesterday, I’m dropping it off.

            **Kel:** yea, right. asshole. :) just meet me tonight.

     Ashlyn shot back a confirmation, grimacing. She felt guilty about double booking and so quickly forgetting the plan she and Kelley had that day for a movie and pizza but not nearly guilty enough to leave. She made a definitive choice: shoving her phone into one pocket, stuffing Ali’s wallet into the other and opening the car door.

     She made her way up the pebbled walk, amusing herself by looking over the color coordinated planted flowers in the bed below the porch – she didn’t even know you could find that many flowers in different shades of pink. Reaching the front door, she only took an infinitesimal pause before stretching forward and knocking three times.

     Ashlyn didn’t wait long before the door opened wide open, revealing a curly haired tawny blonde girl with dark brown eyes and a large mouth. She started to wave a cheery hello but the frostiness on the girl’s face stopped her.

     “Uh, hi,” Ashlyn said questioningly, “I’m here to see Ali?”

     “Who are you?” the girl asked rudely, hand on one hip.

     “I’m Ashlyn, her friend. We hung out yesterday and she forgot her wallet. She asked me to bring it to her this morning.”

     In response, the girl just stared at her as if asking if she had a point.

     “Yeah I just – is Ali here? She told me she’d be here. Also, she said something about pancakes so I was kind of hoping I’d get some of those too.” Ashlyn tried a smile but it faltered as she failed to get a similar response from the gatekeeper.

     “Well, I could _try_ to go find her,” the girl drawled, rolling her eyes the tiniest amount. “What did you say your name was again?”

     “Ashlyn. Ashlyn Harris,” she said proudly, growing annoyed with the treatment she was getting.

     “Ashlyn?” she heard from behind the door. “Don’t worry, I know her.”

     Half expecting to see Ali, Ashlyn was surprised when the door opened a bit wider and Christen Press stood in the doorway in soccer shorts and a t-shirt. She had on her characteristic bright smile – one that even put Ali’s to shame. Ashlyn gave her the wave she’d prepared, “Hey! Chris, right?”

     She got a nod in return and Christen turned to the girl who might as well be the troll guarding the bridge from that kid’s story. “I’ve got this Kens, it’s okay.”

     “Mmkay,” said the ogre, slinking back into the recesses of the living room.

     Christen watched her go, looking back to Ashlyn and giving her a forced smile. “Sorry about that,” she mumbled, motioning for Ashlyn to come into the house. “Kensie isn’t really a morning person. Or an afternoon or evening person come to think of it.”

     Ashlyn chuckled, standing to the side as Christen closed and locked the door behind her. “Yeah, what was that about? She was kind of a dick from the moment I showed up.”

     Christen shook her head and sighed, leading them further into the room. “It’s stupid. She’s openly homophobic and you’re not really leaving much to the imagination,” she said and Ashlyn smiled. “No offense!” she added hastily.

     “None taken,” Ashlyn said, shrugging. “You think it’s easy to make androgyny constantly look good?”

     Christen laughed appreciatively, “Some of us think she’s just barely holding back some latent desires. Maybe you’re her type.”

* * *

     Ali had just added four freshly made pancakes to a tray when she heard a recently familiar voice coming in from the hall. Her ears perked up along with the hairs on the back of her neck. She’d been nervous the night before when she’d asked Ashlyn to come over again, growing less and less confident that her direct approach was going to work out in her favor. Still, Ashlyn had responded with what Ali perceived as gusto, so she remained hopeful.

     As soon as Ashlyn walked into the kitchen, most of her confidence leaked away. She had the annoying quality of making slouchy jeans and plain t-shirts look like they did in Gap ads: artfully disheveled with the right amounts of preparation. The black tattoos on her left forearm fed up and into the sleeve of her white shirt and she could make out the outlines of further work on her upper bicep. She had more, Ali could see; at least two going along the tops of her collarbones, following the planes of her shoulders.

     Her hair was in the same messy bun as she’d seen the day they played soccer together, strands flying this way and that, framing her face and tucked behind her ears. She had her hands jammed into her pockets, tugging even more on the waistband that threatened to expose the top line of her underwear.

     Ali half wished she’d stop looking so fucking good so maybe her hormones would stand a better chance.

     “Hi,” Ali said after a moment too late, willfully ignoring the way Christen waggled her eyebrows.

     “Hey,” Ashlyn said, giving her a bashful smile. “Brought your wallet,” she said, reaching behind her to pull it from her back pocket.

     "Thanks!” Ali said, wiping her hands on a dish towel on the countertop and reaching forward to take it. “I went to use one of my cards last night to buy something online and as soon as I couldn’t find it in my bag, I remembered leaving it wedged between your seats. Could’ve kicked myself.”

     “Did you at least keep yourself from buying something ridiculous?” Ashlyn teased.

     “Hardly. It was something very important.” She allowed a beat, “A new pair of boots.”

     Ashlyn laughed, shaking her head. “Of course.” She crossed the room to stand closer to Ali as others started coming in and out, deciding it was a good idea to move away from the doorway. “Look who’s all domestic.”

     Ali posed with the spatula as though for a cookbook cover. “Cooking just brings me so much joy,” she said and Christen couldn’t hold back her snort of laughter.

     “Please,” she said, “tell her the truth. I don’t want her thinking you’re Martha Stewart.”

     “You know Pressy,” Ali said, pointing the end of the spatula at her, “it’s not how many dishes you can make, it’s how well you make them.”

     “So how many can you make?” Ashlyn asked.

     “Just the pancakes,” Ali said simply.

     As Ali finished adding two more griddles worth of pancakes to the tray, other girls started hanging around the kitchen, some of them making plates of eggs and bacon and toast, others grabbing glasses for drinks. For her part, Ashlyn tried to stay out of everyone’s way, backed up against the pantry door. Christen stayed dutifully by her side, for which Ashlyn was grateful as Ali was rather busy with keeping the pancakes from burning.

     There were more girls than available places at the farmhouse style table, but most of them insisted that as a guest, Ashlyn had a guaranteed seat. She was surprised when she was jostled to sit, a plate of food and a glass of orange juice delivered to her.

     “This is great service. Does Zagat know about you ladies?” Ashlyn asked to scattered laughter.

     “It’s like a Brownie badge. We earn a patch for being nice to the commoners,” Ali said with a wink.

     “Team work makes the dream work,” said a brunette in pleasantly fitted Abercrombie and Fitch sweatpants.

     Ali brandished a napkin in Ashlyn’s face, catching her attention. “For the drool,” she whispered, thumping her in the head as she walked back to the stove. Ashlyn just grinned down at her plate.

     Soon, Ali and Christen had joined Ashlyn at the table along with three other girls, and a few more lingered in the kitchen, leaning against the cabinets. Ashlyn had gone from feeling slightly out of place to more than welcome, and it didn’t take long before she had the room bursting with laughter from an impromptu stand up comprised completely of lame jokes.

     “Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He would stop at nothing to avoid them.” She couldn’t help it, she dropped her mouth open with a ‘how about that’ grin to added effect.

     Ali tried her best to keep from joining in, amused and endeared by the fact that Ashlyn looked so ridiculously proud of herself but also confusingly … jealous. Not jealous, exactly, she thought as she watched the dimple on Ashlyn’s cheek appear. There was a large part of her that was thrilled to see Ashlyn charm her way into the good graces of most of her sisters.

     ‘ _Most’ is right_ , she thought as she watched her roommate Kensie grab a few slices of bacon and leave the room immediately with a deeply annoyed expression on her face.

     Still, there was something jarring about the kitchen full of beautiful, giggling girls. Ashlyn was clearly in her element, grinning at each of them in turn and Ali really wished that Sam would stop throwing her gymnast ass out every time she leaned down to laugh. Crossing behind Ashlyn’s chair to get to the stove, one of the girls had both of her hands on her shoulders, seemingly to scoot behind her even though there was plenty of room without the necessity of a steadying grasp.

     Ashlyn looked over as though she could hear her thoughts, showing a thumbs-up. “I think they like me,” she said just loud enough for Ali to hear.

     “What makes you think that?” Ali said, playfully rolling her eyes. “I didn’t realize you were a stand-up comedian.”

     “Only when I’m trying to make a good impression,” she said in response. “It’ll make it easier if, you know, I start spending a lot of time here.” Then her dimple was back, paired with a wink.

     Ali looked down at her plate to keep Ashlyn from seeing the giddy smile on her face.

* * *

     “Are you sure you don’t want to take any with you,” Ali asked, walking Ashlyn to the door.

     “Ugh, thank you but no, I couldn’t,” she said, rubbing her stomach. “I think I ate five of them.”

     “Hard to think you would’ve had enough time to eat between all of the talking,” Ali teased, pulling open the front door. “It appears you’re a charmer.”

     “How am I doing with you?” Ashlyn quipped, leaning against the door frame.

     The finality of their morning reached them at the same time and they both hesitated. Ashlyn fidgeted with her keys and Ali began to intently study the door knob, both sets of eyes cast anywhere other than on the person they didn’t want to leave.

     “Uh, Ali, I don’t know what you’ve got going on today but –“ Ashlyn started but they were both interrupted by Christen Press who appeared out of nowhere, bumping into Ali’s side.

     “Actually, I’m so glad I caught you before you ran off, Ashlyn,” she said brightly. “I was going to ask for a favor.”

     Ali eyed her warily. “What would that be Chris?”

     “Hey, she said she was gonna ask me,” Ashlyn said, giving Ali a face. “What’s up?”

     Christen avoided Ali’s gaze, eyes sparkling with eerily similar mischief that Ashlyn had already seen a few times, “Are you busy today?”

     “No,” Ashlyn said slowly, “I’m free as a bird. Why?”

     “Well, Ali and I need an unbiased opinion from our target audience. You up for it?”

     Ali barely registered what Christen was saying before her eyes went wide.

     “She’s busy,” she said quickly, but Ashlyn gave her a questioning look.

     “I am?” Ashlyn asked, amused.

     “No she isn’t, she just said she isn’t,” Christen said resolutely. “Why are you being so weird?” It was posed directly at Ali, both looking at her.

     “I just – she seems busy Chris. Trust me – you don’t want to get suckered in,” Ali said quickly and Christen rolled her eyes.

     “Trust _me_ ,” she said, “you almost certainly want to be suckered into this.”

     Ashlyn’s head was tilted to the side as she looked at Ali, asking for an explanation. Ali kept her mouth shut, trying to figure out how she’d go about getting back at Christen. Flirting was one thing, but this?

     “I’m in,” Ashlyn said when she didn’t receive an answer to her unasked question.

     Ali groaned, “Chris. Come on.”

     “She’s in,” Christen said simply, turning on her heel, “I’ll go get dressed.”

     The curly haired forward ran up the stairs, leaving Ali with her face in her hands and Ashlyn utterly confused. She gave Ali a minute, looking up to where Christen had disappeared and then back a few times.

     “So, are you gonna tell me what this opinion is about?”

     Ali lowered her hands, biting her lip. “I guess you could call it wardrobe help.”

* * *

     Thirty minutes later, Ashlyn was crammed into the nearly nonexistent backseat of Christen’s Mustang, her knees digging uncomfortably into the back of Christen’s seat.

     “You okay back there?” she asked.

     “Oh, yeah, it’s cool,” Ashlyn said valiantly, ignoring Ali’s cheeky grin back to her when she saw her legs tucked so awkwardly.

     They turned into the parking lot of the mall and Ashlyn made a face. “Okay, I’m about 250% less excited about this now,” she said.

     “Aww, are you anti mall?” Christen asked, swinging into a spot.

     “Just anti large groups of people,” Ashlyn grumbled.

     Once they were stopped, Christen rolled her seat forward to let Ashlyn out. It took a bit of maneuvering, and she ended up climbing out of the backseat like emerging from a cave.

     “I promise this will all be worth it,” said Christen, and Ali dug an elbow into her ribs.

     The three of them traipsed through the main concourse of the mall, the buzz of the morning rush growing in volume equal to the loudness of smells coming from perfume stands and pretzel carts and other food vendors. Ashlyn followed behind the two of them, curiosity peaking as they passed by the kinds of stores she figured sorority girls frequented. One by one, the big-name places came and went with no second glance from the two of them.

     Once, she thought they had arrived at their destination when Ali took a diving detour into Michael Kors. Even though she’d only peeled away from Ashlyn and Christen for a few seconds, by the time they found her she already had two different bags in her hands. Christen shook her head but couldn’t hide her interest in a shiny patent leather bag on a lighted stand. Ashlyn took the initiative, hooking Christen’s elbow with her own and pulling her towards Ali.

     “Not today, Princess.”

     Ali grumbled but allowed herself to be pulled back out of the store.

     Five minutes later, they’d passed the last place that Ashlyn thought they’d be going and she stopped in the middle of the walkway. “Okay, I give. Where are you guys taking me?”

     “Chill out, we’re almost there,” Christen said, tugging her forward by her sleeve. Ali just shrugged and followed behind them.

     She’d been telling the truth. Less than a minute later, Ashlyn came to another dead stop, but Christen and Ali walked ahead of her and into the doors. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

     Miles and miles of satin and lace, awkwardly posed mannequins with jutted out chests and the lingering smell of sickly sweet perfume awaited her through the same set of doors. It wasn’t that she was embarrassed by underwear, but she knew Christen had mentioned getting her opinion. Ashlyn had anticipated cocktail dresses, not Victoria’s Secret.

     “You said clothes!” Ashlyn hissed once she’d caught up to Ali.

     “Define 'clothes'.”

* * *

     Despite the apprehension deep in her belly, the stupefied look on Ashlyn’s face was almost worth all of it, Ali thought. She tried to keep her face down, but Ali saw the color rising on her cheeks.

     “Are you seriously blushing right now?” she whispered, giggling when Ashlyn gave her a pouty look.

     “I just … give a girl some warning,” she said, not paying attention and ran straight into one of the tables with layers of silky underwear. Trying in vain to fix the jostled items, Ali just sat back and watched as the pink tinge deepened into a red before a store associate could come and rescue her.

     “Thanks,” she grumbled to Ali. “So _why_ are we here?”

     Christen was growing a knack for appearing out of nowhere and this was no exception. She elbowed between them, handing Ali a black mesh shopping back like the one she already had on her shoulder.

     “There’s a party next weekend being hosted by a cooperation of a few fraternities on campus. It’s the Nightgowns and Nightmares party they have every Halloween. Naturally, we have to make sure we have something cute to wear,” Christen said simply, eyes scanning the store.

     “I thought nightgowns were supposed to be frumpy and $10 from Walmart,” Ashlyn said, fingering the trim of a particularly lacy bikini and bra set.

     “Sure, if you want to look like a dork,” Ali said, checking the price tag to a black negligee that Ashlyn tried to ignore. “It’s not _officially_ a lingerie party but it might as well be.”

     “So you need me to…?”

     “Tell us what looks good and what doesn’t,” Christen said, putting a few things into her dressing room bag.

     “Do I have score cards to use?” Ashlyn asked, smiling.

     “Only perfect 10s,” Ali said, sticking her tongue out.

     After running through the store twice to be sure they hadn’t missed anything, Ali and Christen secured dressing rooms right next to each other while Ashlyn plopped down on a pink striped, oversized ottoman close to a tri folded mirror. She’d pulled her phone out, trying in vain to look unaffected but Ali had tracked how many times she’d licked her lips when Ali had placed at least two rather revealing items in her bag.

     “Okay, we’ll take turns,” Christen said, poking her head out of the door and talking to Ashlyn, “just so you don’t get overwhelmed.”

     “Ha ha,” Ashlyn said, rolling her eyes.

     “She’s right. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone with so much panic in their eyes as when we walked into this place,” Ali teased.

     “I could always go and find some dude walking around to come back here if you guys wanna keep teasing me,” Ashlyn grumbled, sliding down further into her seat.

     “Like you’d miss this,” Ali said, quiet enough for only Ashlyn to hear before shutting her door.

     A few minutes later, Ali was growing a sizeable panic herself. She was standing in front of the mirror, asking the rhetorical question for the thousandth time of why stores insisted on using the worst possible lighting for dressing rooms, and she wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to open the door. It felt backwards, she thought, Ashlyn seeing her dressed like this before they were even … anything.

     She’d run a gamut of emotions since Christen had invited Ashlyn along, and she was back to her original position of thinking it wasn’t such a great idea. Ali was enjoying their mild flirtation, particularly how she seemed to more often put Ashlyn on her heels rather than the other way around but how could she manage that if she was already so nervous about what she’d think? Ali had always considered herself confident but that was before she was planning on standing in lingerie in front of a stupidly attractive woman without proper preparation.

     “Alright girl, you ready for a double show?” She heard Christen call from next door.

     “Let’s have it,” Ashlyn replied, and Ali heard the unmistakable rustling of Ashlyn readjusting on the upholstery.

     “Ali?” Christen asked.

     “Uhhh, you go ahead,” Ali said, scowling at the way her voice cracked.

     “Nuh uh,” Christen protested, “You get your booty out here Kriegy.”

     “You’re telling me you dragged me in here and through this store and you’re gonna chicken out?” Ashlyn called.

     Ali flipped her off from behind the door, wishing she could see just her hand.

     “Alright well, you only gotta judge one of us today, Simon,” Christen said, and Ali heard the door unlatch.

     “Simon just judges singing. Who does cloooo—whoo hoo. Well, well, well,” came Ashlyn’s clear appreciation. “Miss Christen, I am _impressed_.”

     “Oh like I’ve never heard that one before,” Christen said, her voice muffled by the thick dressing room door, but Ali could picture her clear scoff.

     “I love it,” Ashlyn said. “I can’t say I’ve seen many women in lingerie face to face, but you’re top three at least.”

     “Top three?” Christen joked. “Honey, you didn’t tell me you needed glasses.”

     Ali debated, gnawing on the edge of her lip.

     “Seriously – you look great. I like the black with the drape jacket thing because it gives you a good Morticia Addams vibe, but sexy and way less pale.”

      “Okay, I think I mostly like that comparison,” Christen laughed. “Girl, would you get out here?” she called, and Ali felt her back stiffen.

     “Come on, Ali,” Ashlyn said. “I promise you’ll get a fair appraisal.”

     “Fair but just know you’re coming in second place,” Christen teased.

     “Ugh. _Fine_ ,” Ali said. “But don’t make fun.”

     As Ali opened the door and walked into the main dressing room area, she could tell making fun was the last thing on Ashlyn’s mind as she mouthed two words: _holy shit_.

* * *

_Holy shit_.

_Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit._

_Okay, new thought now,_ Ashlyn said to herself, blinking hard twice.

 _Fuck_.

     She was proud of the fact that she’d somehow kept her jaw from falling to the ground, even though she knew her eyes were greedily drinking in every inch of Ali’s body standing framed between the fitting rooms. She stood nervously, hands twisting together and eyes looking up and around the room, anywhere but at Ashlyn’s face.

     “So what do you think?” she asked the return clothing rack.

     “Aw Kriegs, you look great,” Christen gushed, crossing over to Ali. “And I’m guessing our guest judge agrees.”

     Christen snapped her fingers and brought Ashlyn to attention. “What? Yes. Yes. You look good—yeah, great. I mean, definitely great.”

     “Yeah?” Ali asked timidly, and Ashlyn nodded like a bobble head.

     “Yeah,” she repeated. “A winner.”

     Christen’s face bore an entirely bemused expression as she spun to walk back into her dressing room. “I’m gonna go try on the other one,” she said. “Let you two parrot each other for a few more minutes.”

     Ali rolled her eyes, “Whatever,” she said, but was timid again when turning back to Ashlyn. “You’re not just saying that, right?”

     “Scout’s honor. You look terrific.”

     “Now is that coming from a ‘friend’ or…?”

     Ashlyn shrugged one shoulder, “If it is, I’m sure I could quickly become friends with Christen too because –“

     Ali crossed forward, swatting Ashlyn on the shoulder, “Oh hush.”

     But as her hand slid away, Ashlyn caught it and stood to twirl her around. Ali laughed once nervously, raising an eyebrow.

     “Gotta check the back,” Ashlyn said, waggling her eyebrows.

     “Ugh,” Ali groaned, but she couldn’t fully hide her smile. She turned back around, holding her arms out for Ashlyn to see again. “Final word?”

     Ashlyn gave her the benefit of a pause, looking her up and down in what she hoped was a fully appraising manner. “10/10. And I’m not just saying that.”

     Ali gave her a face, both of them knowing the truth. “I’m not 100% sure. Do you think Ricky would like it? Just kidding, just kidding,” she said hastily off Ashlyn’s immediate scowl.

     “Not funny.”

     “Oh yes it was. Now, just sit back and get ready for the others.”

     “Others?” Ashlyn groaned, falling back onto the ottoman.

     “You really think in a store this big that we’d be done after the first one?” Ali asked.

     “A girl could dream.”

* * *

 

     Christen parked in the back of the house, pushing her seat forward again so Ashlyn could extract herself.

     “Okay, next time, I drive,” she said, stretching her legs out.

     “You only have two seats,” Ali said, shutting her door and circling to the trunk to grab her bags.

     “You can ride in the back,” Ashlyn quipped and Christen laughed.

     Before either Ashlyn or Ali could say anything, standing and facing each other and rapidly losing their words, Christen spoke first.

     “Okay, well, it was a great day. Sorry I can’t stick around, my uh … I think I hear my phone ringing,” she said hastily, grabbing her bags and walking towards the back door.

     “Your phone is in your hand, Pressy,” Ali said sardonically.

     “I mean the house phone, duh,” Christen amended, pushing the door open behind her. “Gotta go. Bye! Thanks again Ash!” And she was gone.

     Both Ali and Ashlyn just looked at each other and smiled, Ali shaking her head. “That girl, I swear.”

     “Finesse is not her strong suit,” Ashlyn agreed. “But she’s cute.”

     “Cute, huh?” Ali asked, but grinned. “So, did you have fun today?”

     Ashlyn’s eyes went wide again before she smiled, “Well, I feel like I have to go to evening services tonight to cleanse myself. Well, that or a cold shower.”

     Ali’s eye roll played it off as a joke, but the mental image of Ashlyn taking a cold shower or why she would _need_ a cold shower sent a small shiver through her body. “Well, don’t let me keep you. Go _cleanse_.”

     Both stood in place, a comically physical version of “no, you hang up first”. Ashlyn debated for a half a second, all of her concerns from the morning when she arrived still lingering in her head but the thought of all their progress from the day bolstering her confidence. “You know … I gotta be honest …”

     “Yeah?” Ali asked.

     Ashlyn took a breath. “I’m not so crazy about the idea of other people getting to see you in that outfit, I have to say,” she said, not meeting Ali’s eyes. “Seems unfair that they didn’t have to go through all six outfits and an hour and a half of debate. They didn’t work for the privilege.” She added with a grin.

     Ali smiled back at her, reaching up to twirl a strand of hair in her fingers. “Cause we’re friends, right?”

     Ashlyn’s clear eyes met and held Ali’s gaze for a moment and she said quietly, “Friends don’t get that excited about the other being in lingerie.”

     “Well, why don’t you come to keep an eye on me?” Ali asked without missing a beat.

     Ashlyn considered for half a second before breaking into her dimpled smile, “Like I'd miss it.”

* * *

     Ashlyn got out of her truck, closing the door and reaching in her pocket to grab her vibrating phone. She checked the caller ID to read Kelley’s name and put it to her ear.

     “Hey Kel.”

     “You bum. You were supposed to be back ages ago,” Kelley said with the crinkling of a chip bag in the background.

     “Sorry, I had to go with Ali—“ she was interrupted by a gleeful hoot, “ _and Christen_ to the mall.”

     “You hate the mall,” Kelley mumbled through a mouthful of food.

     “You know, it wasn’t bad today at all,” Ashlyn said, grinning to herself. “Hey, you have plans on Halloween night?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ack! Sorry, I've been super busy. Will have another chapter up tomorrow. Thanks!


	6. come light me up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Nightgowns & Nightmares party a.k.a. let's watch our two favorite ladies pine away for each other.

     “So, curls or straightened?”

     “Big curls, definitely,” Christen replied, talking to the mirror as she carefully applied her liquid eyeliner. “I liked how you had it at the end of semester party in May. You know, those big waves of curls that fell around your face? Ugh, your hair looked so perfect I wanted to barf.”

     "Aw, thanks Pressy,” Ali said, reaching in her bottom drawer to dig out her curling iron.

     She plugged it into the wall and sat at her vanity seat to wait for it to heat up, examining her face in the mirror. Then her phone lit up and she was on it in a second, laughing quietly and typing back a message lightning quick. From her side of the room, Christen rolled her eyes.

     “Are you ready to tell me the truth yet?” she asked, eyeing Ali.

     “Hmm?” Ali was distracted as she typed another message.

     Christen lobbed a wadded-up tissue at her, getting her attention. “Hello?”

     “What was that?” Ali asked, tossing the tissue into the garbage. “Truth about what?”

     “ _That_ ,” Christen said, nodding at the cell phone in her hands. “You two have been texting all week long. I’m amazed your phone battery even lasts an hour.”

     “It hasn’t that much,” Ali grumbled, locking her phone and putting it down on the table. She set about putting her hair into sections, trying to ignore Christen’s impatient gaze. It was all for naught, and it didn’t take her long to cave. “What do you want me to tell you? That I like her?”

     “Yeah, that’ll do,” Christen said.

     “Okay. I like her.” She tried to play it cool but as soon as the words left Ali’s mouth, she felt her stomach flip. “Big deal.”

     “It _is_ a big deal, Kriegs. I haven’t seen you this excited over anyone since … Geez, I don’t know when,” Christen said, eyes lighting up.

     “Don’t be dramatic,” Ali said, straightening up in her seat to curl the first strand of her hair. “It’s just flirtation, that’s all.”

     Christen huffed in frustration, pulling the chair across the room to plop down where she could see directly into Ali’s face. Once she had her attention, Christen tilted her head to the side. “If it was just flirtation, I don’t think you’d be nearly as geeked out about her coming to the party tonight.”

     “Honestly, I’m mostly just worried about what she’s going to wear,” Ali said, trying to change the subject. “I keep hounding her to tell me but she insists on it being a surprise. I don’t see her showing up in lacy lingerie, even for a laugh. I can’t figure out what she’s going to have on.”

     “So you don’t think it’s weird that you’re obsessing over how much skin you’re potentially going to see tonight?” Christen asked with a smirk.

     Ali sighed, turning her whole head to look at Christen. “It’s not about that, you dummy. I’m just … I want to make sure she doesn’t feel like she’s standing out, that’s all. It’s a themed party.”

     Christen rolled her eyes, leaning back into the chair. “Okay, Kriegs.”

     Ali watched Christen’s face grow seemingly impassive, and she fought it as long as she could. Part of her didn’t want to even say it out loud, the way she felt for Ashlyn. If she looked at it too long, even by herself, she was intimidated by the sudden ferocity of her attraction to the tomboyish blonde. She kept reminding herself that they’d only barely just met and had only just started spending time together, and that it was entirely too early for her to even think of Ashlyn that way.

     Except Ali was already living for the way Ashlyn sent her a “good morning” text before 9 AM every day since they’d all gone shopping together, and the way that their conversations continued through the “good night” texts she got anywhere between 10 and 12 each night. There weren’t any awkward silences to trudge though, no conversations yet that made her bored or uneasy. It was as easy to talk to Ashlyn as anything she’d ever done before.

     Ali had often heard about finding a person that immediately felt as though they’d been in your life the whole time, but you just had to be reintroduced. She’d been skeptical, voicing her borderline pessimistic views when the house had girls’ nights with wine and a box of treats from the bakery down the street. For all her bright personality, it was an ongoing joke amongst her sisters that she was the “down with love” girl.

     Apparently Christen shared the sentiment.

     Ali nudged her with her foot, and Christen lazily opened one eye. She regarded her while she released one more curl, took a deep breath and exhaled. “I like her. I honestly like her.”

     Christen’s façade dropped immediately and a giant smile broke out on her face. “I knew it! So when are you gonna tell her?”

     “Hold your horses. It was hard enough just telling you,” Ali said, releasing another section of her hair. “I don’t know where to go from here.”

     “Typically you tell the person and then they tell you if they want to date you but I’m positive you don’t have to worry about that. I thought Ashlyn was going to die every time you walked out of that changing room last weekend.” Christen leaned forward, checking her toenail polish. Ali rolled her eyes and Christen straightened back up. “So, are you …”

     “Am I…?”

     “I remember you telling me about that ex-girlfriend from high school. Last we talked about it though, you said you didn’t really want to advertise … Was that because of that guy you’d started dating or is that something you would still want to keep under wraps?” Christen asked.

     Ali watched her brow furrow in the mirror while she worked on her hair. “I don’t … know.” She placed the curling iron down on the dresser, turning to face Christen again. “It was just such a thing to openly date a girl. Geez. I still get messages on Facebook from people asking me about it, like I took up base jumping or bear hunting. ‘Hey, remember Lauren? Are you still dating chicks?’ I swear, people have zero regard for asking really awkward questions of near strangers.”

     Christen nodded with a sympathetic smile. “Yeah, that must suck. I’m sorry.”

     “No, it’s cool, I just … I think that’s part of it. Ashlyn’s pretty out and proud. I don’t know if that’s where I want to be right now, and it feels unfair to start something without knowing if we’re on the same page.” Ali put her face in her hands, the remaining tied off sections bobbing around. “And all of this is moot if she doesn’t even _want_ to date me. No, I know, but flirting with someone and dating someone are two very different things.”

     “Well,” Christen said with a shrug, “rubbing your half naked body on her would do a good job of helping you find out quickly.”

* * *

     Ashlyn made the final turn onto the street where Kappa Sig was, hearing Kelley let out a long, agonized groan about ten steps behind her. She motioned forward with her arms, halfway turning her head. “Come on Seabiscuit, almost there.”

     “Tell me again why someone didn’t drive?” she asked, dramatizing a wheeze. “And I think Seabiscuit liked to travel this far. Your reference doesn’t make sense.”

     “We didn’t drive because both of us knew an argument over who would be the designated driver was coming our way,” Jason added from Ashlyn’s left. “This is a frat party. If we leave this place tonight with more than half of our brain cells left, we’ve done something terribly wrong.”

     Ashlyn nodded in agreement. “Exactly. I figured the _embarrassingly_ short walk across campus was worth being able to wander home later without the fear of jail.”

     Kelly pouted into the 10 PM darkness, jogging to catch up with her two bandmates. “Fine. Only because you guys are promising me a good time.”

     “We’re not promising you anything. If you get bored, take that up with the guys from Kappa Sig,” Jason said. “Although, if you _are_ bored, you must be blind or crazy. This is their annual lingerie party.”

     “I _know_ ,” Kelley said, giving Ashlyn a soft punch on her shoulder. “From what our fine guitarist here has told us, or rather hasn’t told us, it must be pretty good.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes, shoving Kelley a few steps to the side. “I didn’t tell you ‘cause you had the same expression when you asked that you do right now.”

     “Can you blame me? College sorority girls at a lingerie party. People _pay_ to watch videos of parties like these,” Kelley said with barely concealed glee. “We actually get to go.”

     “Take it easy, tiger,” Ashlyn warned and Kelley wrapped an arm around her neck, pulling her into a hug.

     “Don’t worry, don’t worry. I promise I won’t make eyes at your girl.”

     Jason laughed along with Kelley, leaving Ashlyn blushing in the cool night air. “She’s not my girl,” she mumbled, barely audible.

     “Yet,” Jason added and grinned at her before looking down at her clothes. “Although, maybe that’ll still be true later, once she gets a good look at the potato sack you’re wearing.”

     Ashlyn gestured to her frock, festooned with a Garfield comic strip. “It’s a nightgown.”

     Kelley winced, “Yeah, it’s … somethin’.”

     “Never date a girl who doesn’t like you for who you are,” Ashlyn said solemnly, and was jostled when one of her fuzzy house slippers got caught on a crack in the sidewalk.

     “Unless the girl looks the way Ali does,” Jason said and Kelley nodded in fervent agreement.

     The three of them turned up the walk, their conversation dwindling as they neared the increasingly loud music. Around them, they all got a preview of what was to come: girls in various levels of lingerie, from booty shorts and bras to full on snapped and strapped outfits like some of the racier items from Victoria’s Secret. The guys all stood around in boxers or boxer briefs, with few exceptions coming from some zealous partygoers in jockstraps with painted cheeks.

     “You should’ve upscaled your wardrobe,” Kelley remarked to Jason as one of the guys ran by, green and blue paint swirled over his ass.

     Jason just shook his head. “Gotta give the other guys a chance, you know? I’m not sure the masses could handle all this lookin’ like that.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes, the three of them climbing the porch steps. “Why did I invite you two again?”

     “’Cause you didn’t have the guts to hang out with Ali in her underwear on your own.”

     Kelley slipped through the opened front door before Ashlyn could land her kick to the shins.

* * *

     Ali was midway through her first round of jungle juice when she spotted Ashlyn and Kelley from across the room, hanging up two jackets on a coatrack in the hallway. With a choking gasp, thankfully most of her mouthful ended up back in the cup. Christen and Julia followed her gaze with a questioning eye, both reacting similarly when they processed the Garfield nightgown.

     “I told you I had a reason to worry,” Ali muttered, immediately crossing the room.

     “Hi!” Ashlyn said brightly, giving Ali and the other girls a wave.

     “What the hell are you wearing?” Ali asked incredulously, dropping all pretense.

     “You said it was a nightgown party,” Ashlyn said with a shrug and much to Ali’s chagrin, both Christen and Julia found it hilarious.

     “I like it,” Christen remarked before holding her hands up when Ali turned to give her a look. “It has character.”

     Ashlyn pulled the front of her gown out and looked down. “Actually I think it has three. Odie and Jon are in this one too.”

     Next to Ashlyn, Kelley raised her own plastic cup. “Good one.”

     “Come on, you know you think it’s funny,” Ashlyn grinned and Ali couldn’t fight it. She shook her head against her better judgement, biting her lip to stop a smile.

     “You’re ridiculous,” she sighed.

     “Ridiculously cute, maybe,” Ashlyn murmured under her breath, giving Ali a roguish wink.

     “Anyway, I’m glad you guys could come!” Ali said, turning to address Jason and Kelley.

     “Thanks for inviting us. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve seen all year. Maybe for a few years,” Kelley quipped, taking another drink.

     “We try,” Christen said with a smile, hands on her hips in a pose.

     While the others continued to chat, Ashlyn brought her cup to her mouth and used the distraction to give Ali another full body look. Despite reliving that wonderful Sunday afternoon as often as possible, she’d forgotten just how incredible Ali had looked standing in front of her. Coupled with the blown-out curls framing her face and the ruddy tinge from alcohol on her cheeks, she looked every bit a catwalk-worthy Angel.

 _Honestly, Victoria’s Secret should be paying_ _her_ , Ashlyn thought. She took a deeper pull of jungle juice, the medley of flavors mixing dangerously sweet in her mouth. It was deceptively light tasting, and Ashlyn had a moment’s pause wondering if she should take it slow. Then, Ali took that opportunity to cut her another glance, giving her smoldering bedroom eyes framed by her thick black lashes. With a gulp, Ashlyn let caution fly to the wind.

     “I’m really glad you came,” Ali said quietly.

     “You couldn’t have paid me to stay away,” Ashlyn replied and motioned down to the rest of Ali’s body. “It’s even better than I remembered.”

     Ali grinned back at her. “So have you stopped regretting that hour and a half long fashion show?”

     “Are you kidding? I’ve been busy this week looking up every deity ever imagined to thank them for last Sunday. Regret? Psh,” she scoffed.

     The smile on Ali’s face was worth it all, and Ashlyn wanted to do everything in her power to make sure she always looked that happy. Despite the nervousness she’d felt all week long and the building flirtation, there was something so pure about these moments with her. Ashlyn had recognized a few times where they’d been able to cut through the pretenses and all she could see was the blinding potential between them.

     Ashlyn finished her cup and looked up as Jason nudged her in the shoulder. “What’s up?” she asked.

     “There’s a girl over there I’ve been chasing through a few different parties for the last two semesters. Mind if I bail? You seem to be in good hands,” he smiled, raising his eyebrows in Ali’s direction.

     Kelley hooked her arm around Ashlyn’s neck again, bringing her close. “Yeah, don’t worry. She’s in the best hands.”

     “Couldn’t imagine any other,” Ashlyn said, wrapping an arm around Kelley’s waist.

     When Jason left, Christen was the first to speak. “Alright, it looks like one of the tables is about to be free. Anyone up for beer pong?”

     “Hell yeah!” Kelley said, immediately releasing Ashlyn who stumbled sideways into Ali.

     It all happened in seconds, but to Ashlyn it felt like an eternity. Her hand found Ali’s waist, her fingertips gliding across warm, smooth skin and settling into the firm divot of her hipbone. Ali’s hands both came up to Ashlyn’s chest, her palms capping her strong shoulders. The two of them froze in place, both of their brains going on the fritz with the sudden proximity.

     “Oops,” Kelley said, barely looking back as she set off with Christen and Julia.

     It was Ashlyn who pulled away first, but her fingertips trailed along Ali’s side as they went. She looked down at her feet, clearing her throat. “Uh, sorry,” she said, nodding after Kelley. “Wanna go?”

     Ali just nodded, smirking at Ashlyn’s back as she followed her into the den.

* * *

     Two and a half games of beer pong later, Ashlyn was feeling rather good. Ali and Christen had accused the two band members of losing on purpose for the sake of the alcohol.

     “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kelley said, scooping the ping pong ball from the 4th in a row.

     “It looked like your hand was a backboard for that shot,” Ali said with a raised eyebrow. Kelley just shrugged and drained the cup.

     “Do you dare challenge our integrity?” Ashlyn asked with the slightest slur. She pointed in Ali’s vague direction. “I won’t stand for someone impugning our honor, madam.”

     Christen motioned towards Ashlyn. “So come on then and make a shot. I don’t know if it’s ‘cause you’re buzzed or you’re just that lousy of a shot.”

     “I beg your pardon,” Kelley said, positioning a ball between her fingers. She aimed for a moment, tongue out against the edge of her lip in concentration. There was silence at the table and then –

     “See, you’re totally losing on purpose,” Ali said, bending behind her to pick the ball up off the ground.

     “I think it’s these stupid muscles,” Kelley said, adjusting the Halloween costume chest piece.

     “I told you to just go topless with your boxers,” Ashlyn quipped, readying for the shot Ali was lining up.

     “But then you’d be drooling over me instead and we couldn’t have that.” Kelley reached back to slap Ashlyn on the ass and got the finger in return.

     “Will you two hush? I’m trying to concentrate,” Ali said before letting the ball fly. It arced perfectly and went straight into one of the two remaining cups.

     As Ali and Christen celebrated with chest bumps and high fives, Ashlyn took a deep breath before downing the contents of the cup. When she emerged, she felt her head spin and steadied herself against the edge of the table. Kelley caught on, giving her a questioning look.

     “You okay, space cadet?” she asked.

     Ashlyn nodded. “Yeah. But let’s just agree that you’re taking the last one.”

     “Fair enough,” Kelley said, handing her the ball. “Your shot.”

     Five minutes later, the four of them gave up the table to a raucous group of guys from one of the more notorious fraternities on campus. Kelly reluctantly agreed, crossing her arm in a pout.

     “I felt a winning streak coming,” she said.

     “Hardly,” Christen said in response, leading them towards the table where two recently refilled containers of the jungle juice sat. She poured one for Ali and herself, motioning towards Ashlyn.

     Ashlyn shook her head and added a wave of her hands for good measure. “No thanks. Any more and I’m gonna be over there dancing,” she said, indicating towards the packed living room.

     Ali grinned gleefully. “Are you trying to convince us to get you to drink more? I think I need to see you out there breaking it down in your Garfield muumuu.”

     “I second that,” Kelley said, nodding her head and accepting a cup. “You can sign up to be the designated sloppy drunk tonight. I’ll make sure you get home safely.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. You’re more likely to record me than get me home before I make an ass out of myself.”

     “Hold on. I never said anything about stopping you from making an ass out of yourself. I’m in full support of that happening. But yeah, sure. I’ll take you home after.”

     Behind Ashlyn, Christen and Ali shared a conspiratorial look before flanking Ashlyn on either side. Before she knew what was happening, both girls had started dancing against her, working in tandem to shuffle her towards the crowded makeshift dance floor.

     “Whaaaaat are you doing,” Ashlyn asked, hands going up into the air to avoid touching them.

     “What does it look like, you dummy?” Christen asked, popping her hips and moving them forward a few feet.

     “We can get you some more liquid courage,” Ali said, deviously leaning forward to brush her breasts against Ashlyn’s side.

     For her part, Kelley just stood back and watched with amusement, finishing her cup. She ignored Ashlyn’s half-hearted attempts to pull away, swatting her hands down when she reached for Kelley’s arms. “No way, pal. You’re on your own.”

     Ashlyn gave up when she felt Ali’s hands wrap around the top of her shoulders, continuing to tug her forward. She stopped resisting, stopped feeling Christen behind her and focused 100% on the sight of Ali’s sneaky grin and the playful look in her eyes. At the threshold of the living room, her feet planted to the floor; as distracted as she was by Ali’s rhythmic movements against her, she had trepidations against dancing in a roomful of strangers.

     Reading her hesitation, Ali knew she had scant moments left to make up her mind. Ever since she’d felt Ashlyn’s hand on her waist, she’d been waiting until she could feel it again and dancing was her best opportunity. She wasn’t about to let it pass without giving it an honest try. She trailed her gaze from Ashlyn’s eyes down to her mouth, focusing on her lips half opened in a breathless pant. Simultaneously, she curled her fingers into the back of Ashlyn’s hair, her nails scraping gently against her scalp.

     Luckily she’d looked back up in time to see Ashlyn’s eyes roll back into her head before her eyelids fluttered close. She was close enough that she felt rather confident that she’d just heard a low moan fall from her mouth as well. With an impish grin, Ali jerked her head back towards the room.

     “Dance with me?” she asked, just loud enough for Ashlyn to hear.

     Ashlyn could only dumbly nod, eyes opening and locking onto Ali’s ahead of her. Ali walked backwards, her hands trailing down and taking both of Ashlyn’s. “So come on.”

     “Hang on,” Ashlyn said, reaching down to grab the hem of her cartoon nightgown. Ali gave her a surprised look before she pulled it up and over her head, quickly giving way to stupefied awe. “You didn’t think I’d actually just show up to this thing wearing that, did you?” She teased, watching Ali’s expression change.

     “Uh, I did,” Ali said, her mouth going dry, “but wow, I’m happy to have been wrong.”

     Ashlyn stood before her clad in a tight, bright blue Nike sports bra that matched with a very form fitting pair of boxer briefs. Ali couldn’t help but shamelessly look her up and down, her eyes drawn to both the light definitions of her lean muscles as well as the tattoos scattered across her body.

     “I know it’s not exactly lingerie, but I think this gets the point across,” she said with a wink.

     “Definitely,” Ali breathed, reaching out to take the nightgown from her hands. “You’re not allowed to put this back on, okay?” And she tossed it onto a side table, hoping it would never be found.

     “So do you still want to dance, or do you want me to model for you?” Ashlyn teased, turning around and shaking her ass at Ali, who wished to regain the upper hand.

     She raised her eyebrow in a challenge. “You can model, but it’s easier for me to run my hands all over you if we’re pretending to dance.”

     It worked perfectly. Ashlyn was enthralled, her body moving in tandem with Ali’s as they weaved their way through the crowd and found a pocket of space towards the middle of the room. In moments, they were closing the inches between them, Ashlyn’s hands migrating down to either side of Ali’s tight waist and Ali’s forearms wrapping over the top of Ashlyn’s shoulders. Then they were dancing, bodies sliding against each other in a mix of desperation and want.

* * *

     Hours could’ve passed, maybe days; Ashlyn didn’t dare bother to think of anything other than Ali’s body pressed tightly against hers. She’d spun around in her arms, her back resting against Ashlyn’s chest while their hips rolled against each other. Around them, the world began to melt away piece by piece until all Ashlyn could describe as real was the feel of Ali’s skin beneath her fingers.

     Their transparency by being in the middle of the room was only a fleeting thought in Ali’s head; around them, the people dancing were all varying levels of intoxicated but each of them over the point where anyone cared about what they were seeing. Besides, she assured herself, girls do this all the time.

 _For attention_ , a guilty voice whispered in her ear and an uncomfortable wave of shame threatened the rhythm she had built. She’d meant what she’d told Christen about her hesitation in being open about her interest in Ashlyn, but here she was, grinding into her lap with a room full of witnesses.

     The alcohol she’d imbibed steadily over the course of the last three hours came in steady swells and the finer points of her inner debate started to slip away with the edges of her balance. With a particularly deep thrust forward, Ashlyn knocked Ali off balance and they wobbled apart, the former just barely steadying them both.

     “You okay?” Ashlyn asked, leaning close.

     “Yeah,” Ali replied, just as close. “I need a drink.” This earned her a look, to which Ali rolled her eyes. “A drink of water, _Mom_.”

     Ashlyn made a face. “Please don’t call me that.”

     “Well, get some water and you can tell me exactly what you’d like for me to call you later,” she said, her lips trailing over the shell of Ashlyn’s ear.

     Ashlyn shivered, but pulled away to clear her head. “Two waters, coming right up.”

     The sea parted easily enough, much to Ashlyn’s surprise. As she made her way over to a cooler full of water bottles, she looked around to see if she could clock Kelley or Christen, both of whom had disappeared once Ali had taken charge of getting Ashlyn onto the dance floor. She thought briefly that maybe she should make sure Kelley was okay but caught sight of her and Christen both, teammates against two frat guys from Kappa Sig in a new beer pong game. As Christen sank a shot, the two of them broke into a victory dance.

     Ashlyn smiled and bent to retrieve two dripping bottles, pressing one of them to the back of her neck and enjoying the cooling sensation. As much as she was loving where the night was taking them, she hoped that she’d could shower if anything presented itself further. The echoes of Ali’s hips rolling all over her groin sent a warm feeling into the pit of Ashlyn’s stomach, and she spun on her heel to return to Ali, intent on making even more progress.

     However, her elation came to a quick stop when she started edging her way to where she’d left Ali in the throng of people and found her accosted by two of the frat guys who had moved in on their beer pong game earlier in the evening. Immediately, Ashlyn read the uncomfortable look on Ali’s face and she felt a steely resolve wash over her, the alcoholic haze taking a back seat.

     “Look, just back off,” Ali said, jerking her arm away from one of the guys who was wearing tightie whities with cartoon hot dogs all over them.

     “Come on now, don’t be like that babe.” The gravelly deep voice set Ali’s teeth on edge, grinding together as she struggled to withdraw herself into a smaller shape.

     “We just wanna dance,” said the other, his voice a bit higher but with an unsettling taunt imbedded within it.

     “What’s the problem?” Ali turned around to see Ashlyn standing behind her, a water bottle clutched in each fist.

     “Ain’t no problem. You can run along now,” said the first guy, waving a hand as though shooing a fly.

     “Ali? Are you okay?” Ashlyn asked and before she could get an answer, the second guy put a hand to her chest. “Get your fucking hands off me.”

     “Fuck off, you fucking dyke,” he jeered, puffing his chest. “I thought we had a strict no-cunt policy here tonight.”

     “Guess you already broke that rule, you son of a bitch. Now leave the lady alone.” Not missing a beat, Ashlyn stepped forward until she was face to face with him, nearly leaving their noses touching.

     Ali shuffled in the space that was shrinking by the second as the egos around her grew. She struggled to pull Ashlyn away while also escaping the insistent, wandering fingers of the first guy in the hot dog underwear. “Lay off, Ashlyn.”

     “You hear that, Rosie O’Donnell? Looks like you gotta go get your Ellen on elsewhere. Shorty here’s looking for a real man.” _If looks could kill_ , Ali thought for a split second, seeing Ashlyn grit and bear her teeth, readying an insult.

     “Way to go on your knowledge of lesbian pop culture but really, fuck off. Go suck on your buddy’s dick, you fucking frat boy.” Ali’s hands were moved out of the way when the second guy in the snapback pushed hard against Ashlyn’s chest.

     “Hey!” she yelled, but it was no use. Ashlyn pushed back, just as hard and sent the guy backward into his friend.

     In a split second, the snapback lunged forward again to grab at Ashlyn and Ali got directly in the way. Maybe it was because he didn’t think her capable, but the fist she swung into his jaw caught him off balance. He stumbled off course again, reaching for his jaw with incredulity.

     “Fuckin’ cunt,” he muttered, turning to his buddy. “I don’t need that fuckin’ drama, no matter how slutty you look.”

     Ali didn’t get the chance to respond before Ashlyn charged forward. “What did you just fuckin’ say?” But the guys continued to move away.

     Ashlyn turned back to Ali, concern on her face. “Ali, are you okay?”

     “ _Stop_ , Ashlyn,” Ali spit out. “I don’t need you to be some sort of fucking macho hero, okay? Did you stop to think of that?” She spun on her heel, exiting the room easily as the people around her jumped out of the way.

     Ashlyn stood still for a few seconds, confusion making her pause. _What the fuck was_ that, she thought, her brain desperately trying to make sense of it. Once she became aware of the stunned laughter around her, she took off to follow in Ali’s wake.

     “Ali!” she called out, looking up and locking eyes with Kelley who’d come into the hallway.

     “Out the door,” she said, jerking her thumb to the left. When Ashlyn turned accordingly, Kelley called after her. “Hey! You might need these.”

     Ashlyn caught the jackets and threw one on, clutching onto the other as she ran out the door and jogged to catch up to Ali’s retreating form.


	7. makes me tongue tied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the frat party fight.

     “Ali! Ali, wait up!”

     Ali kept moving down the sidewalk, the music and loud voices fading as she got farther away. There was an errant thought in her head that she should be chilly, feeling the crisp, late October air filling up her lungs but the words Ashlyn and the two guys had exchanged kept ringing in her ears, making her blood boil.

     “Ali!” Ashlyn called again, this time closer.

     “Go away, Ashlyn,” Ali said, not bothering to turn her head.

     “What was that?” she heard along with increasingly louder footsteps.

     Ali stopped abruptly, turning on her heel. “I said go away!”

     Ashlyn had only been a few meters behind her and wisely left some space between them as she came to a rest, chest heaving from a combination of effort and adrenaline. “Please just talk to me,” she implored.

     With her arms folded across her chest, Ali fixed her with an icy stare. “Oh _now_ you want to talk,” she started. “Now that you don’t have an audience it’s all about being calm.”

     Unable to resist rolling her eyes, Ashlyn exhaled in frustration. “Come on, Ali. That’s unfair.”

     “How is that unfair?” she asked, eyes narrowing. “I tried to get you to calm down. I tried to ask you to stop and you didn’t listen.”

     “It all happened so fast! I could barely even hear you!” Ashlyn said, throwing her hands in the air. “I was trying to protect you!”

     “That’s the thing! I didn’t need you to do that!” Ali replied, taking a step closer. “It would’ve been just fine if you had let it go and we just walked away. But no, you had to _prove_ something to those assholes.”

     Ashlyn bit her tongue on her next retort, trying to calm her spinning head. She sensed Ali was dangerously close to walking away again and she didn’t want to make it worse. After a pause, she grimaced and looked down at the ground. “Okay. Can we at least talk about it?” she asked, looking back up to Ali’s face. “I don’t want to end the night like this.”

     Seeing Ashlyn calm down took some of the fire from Ali’s limbs and she settled, rubbing her face in her hands. “Fine. Yeah,” she said, nodding. “Let’s talk.”

     Ashlyn couldn’t help but smile, closing the distance and raising up the jacket in her hand. “Also, while I’m still enjoying the hell out of the view, you’re probably going to run out of fury and get cold soon.”

     Despite Ali rolling her eyes, Ashlyn still caught the grin she couldn’t hide.

* * *

     They walked in silence for a few blocks, both trying to clear out the buzz from the alcohol and their fading argument. It didn’t take long for Ali to wish she’d worn more sensible shoes. The heels made her legs look great but they were hell on her toes. She wasn’t quite to where she was willing to walk around barefoot though, so she dealt with it. She begrudgingly thanked Ashlyn for the jacket; sure enough, once they started walking the wind picked up and she didn’t think she had long before her legs went numb.

     Ashlyn caught her shivering from the corner of her eye and smiled. “If you hadn’t thrown Garfield away, you’d have a bit more coverage from the wind.”

     “I’d rather freeze,” Ali said, chafing her arms. “Aren’t you cold?”

     “Not at all,” Ashlyn said too quickly and Ali raised her eyebrow. “Okay, fine, yeah. I could go for some sweatpants right now.”

     “Just think, this is considered a mild fall. By Halloween last year, we had snow on the ground remember? When we had the party, most of us brought changes of clothes along so we could be warmer when we walked back home,” Ali said, bringing the jacket hood over her head.

     “What happened to that genius idea this year?” Ashlyn asked.

     “Oh, we did it again this year. My cozy sweatpants and jacket are sitting in a bag in one of the upstairs bedrooms right now,” Ali said with a grimace.

     “Couldn’t you have taken a detour upstairs on your mad dash away from me?” Ashlyn teased, nudging their shoulders together.

     Ali just gave her a look, tugging the bottom of the jacket down. Luckily, Kelley had tossed Jason’s over which afforded a bit more material to burrow in.

     “Speaking of … What was that?”

     The question lingered in the air, Ali resolutely looking forward as they continued down the sidewalk. Ashlyn took a quiet breath and tried again. “Where’d you learn how to hit?”

     To Ashlyn’s surprise, Ali grinned. “Well, I had a brother growing up.”

     “Oh, he taught you how to fight?” Ashlyn asked, trying to fit this tidbit in with the few stories she’d already heard about the flamboyant Kyle.

     “Ha, no,” Ali said. “Sure he was older than me, but he was also a lot more feminine than the rest of the guys we went to school with, so he was targeted.”

     “Ahhh,” Ashlyn said knowingly.

     “Yeah, I learned how to back him up early on.”

     They walked for a few steps, Ashlyn working out what she wanted to say.

     “So, what was the other thing about? I was just trying to back _you_ up, you know.”

     Ali sighed, coming to a stop. Ashlyn let her take her time, preparing herself to keep from being argumentative.

     “It’s not that,” Ali said, her brow furrowed. “It just always starts out that way. You just do it to protect me or keep me safe, and then suddenly you’re fighting just to fight and then maybe I get really unlucky and you think you can fight with me like that.”

     A hush settled between them; Ashlyn wanted to ask a million question but she knew she needed to follow Ali’s lead. Finally, she couldn’t stand it. “Ex-boyfriend?” she asked softly.

     Ali just quirked her head to the side, shrugging; Ashlyn felt sick and guilty. “Did he hit you?”

     Thankfully, Ali gave her a rueful smile. “He thought he’d try once. I don’t think he expected me to get out of the way, or maybe it’s just that he was too drunk to aim properly. I wasn’t as strong as he was but most people back off when you give them a nosebleed.”

     Ashlyn could only nod, unsure of what to say.

     “He wanted to be an MMA fighter. It was just a hobby and he went to the classes and whatever, but I guess combined with his penchant for drinking …” Ali started, trailing off while looking into the distance. “He was just one of the people who learn how to hit so they can become one-man wrecking crews.”

     They were quiet together, listening to the sounds around them. The fraternity was far enough away that the music bled away into the night air, blending in with the white noise. Ashlyn swung her arms by her sides, a gust of wind blowing through and rustling her hair around her face. By the time she’d tucked it behind her ears, Ali was looking back at her.

     “So, needless to say, I’m not into the whole macho thing, you know? I’d rather be with someone who knows how to get out of a situation like that as opposed to joining in,” Ali said, smiling kindly. “And I know it was unfair, I’m sorry. It did just happen really quickly. I felt so disgusted with them both sort of coming at me, and then you were back and I thought it’d be over but then you just got so keyed up. I had a knee jerk reaction and I just had to get away.”

     Ashlyn shook her head, gingerly reaching out to take a soft hold on Ali’s upper arms. “Hey, don’t feel bad. I understand why you wouldn’t want to give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m just glad we’re talking about it now.” She gave her a big smile, “I hated you leaving, even if it was great watching you go.” Ashlyn tried to turn Ali around, exaggeratingly looking down towards her ass.

     Ali just laughed, putting her hands on Ashlyn’s chest and refusing to turn. “So the moment’s over?”

     “Or we can just continue into the next one,” Ashlyn said quietly, sliding her hands down and around until they rested on Ali’s lower back.

     Ali’s fingers clung to the fabric of Ashlyn’s jacket, the other hand moving up to rest on the back of her neck. She looked into her eyes, biting on the edge of her lip. “I guess we can …”

     The shy hesitation in Ashlyn’s mouth only made Ali want to kiss her more; their lips pressed softly together, not moving until Ali’s formed a grin and then Ashlyn’s were open and seeking, latching onto Ali’s bottom lip. What began as a timid first kiss quickly blossomed into a gasping tangle of lips and tongues, their hands as frantic as their mouths, Ali’s hands twining into Ashlyn’s hair.

     Ashlyn’s hands moved to Ali’s hips, tugging her closer until their bodies were flush together, wrapping her arms more fully around her back. She longed to slide her hands under the jacket, hating the way the thick fabric kept her from really feeling Ali’s body arching into her. Instead, she grabbed handfuls of the cloth, using them to keep them anchored as their zealous kissing continued.

     “Ashlyn,” Ali sighed, tilting her head back while Ashlyn placed open mouth kisses along her jawline.

     “Yeah?” She asked, breathing along the nape of Ali’s neck, bringing a shudder out of her.

     “It’s freezing,” Ali said, breaking into a giggle. Ashlyn smiled against the soft skin of her neck, nodding.

     “I know,” she said, placing a soft kiss. “I didn’t mean to get so …”

     “So eager?” Ali asked, kissing her temple.

     Ashlyn pressed their foreheads together, bringing the hood back up over Ali’s head. “It’s been a long time coming.”

     Ali rolled her eyes, pulling back. “It’s been a month.”

     “Felt like forever,” Ashlyn said with a grin.

     “I promise you won’t have to wait nearly as long for the next one,” Ali said, reaching down to link their hands.

* * *

     They walked aimlessly for a while, talking quietly about simple things until Ali let out a surprised, “Oh!”

     “What’s up?” Ashlyn asked.

     Ali let go of her hand, reaching down and into the jacket and her cleavage. She pulled out her phone and Ashlyn’s eyes went wide. “You’ve had that in there the whole time?”

     “Where else was I supposed to put it? My purse is back at Kappa Sig.” She pressed a few buttons, bringing up a message. She read in silence, eventually letting out a groan. “Great.”

     Ashlyn gave her a questioning look and Ali slid the phone into the pocket of Jason’s jacket, shaking her head. “It was Chris, asking where I am. Apparently we made a scene.”

     “I hadn’t noticed,” Ashlyn said. “What did she say?”

     Ali bit her lip. “Nothing really. She wanted to make sure that I was safe and asked if I was going to head back to the house.”

     Ashlyn frowned. “I guess it’s getting pretty late.”

     They walked forward, Ali sneaking a look over at Ashlyn. She looked positively pouty, adorably protesting the thought of the night ending. Ali squeezed her hand, getting her attention. “I didn’t say yes,” she said.

     Immediately, Ashlyn’s eyes lit up, only to fall after a second. “Wait, I don’t get it.”

     Ali rolled her eyes. “So if it’s getting late and I’m not going back to the house …” She trailed off, giving Ashlyn an expectant look.

     All she got in return was a blank stare, but she could almost hear the gears turning in Ashlyn’s head. She sighed in annoyance, her hands in the air. “Well I’m not going to invite myself.”

     “Oh!” Ashlyn said, realization dawning on her face. “My room!”

     Unable to keep a straight face, Ali laughed at Ashlyn’s eagerness. “If you want me to, that is. I’ve stayed with Liz a few times and there was never an issue with getting into the dorm.”

     Ashlyn nodded, “Of course I want you to stay with me. Except …”

     “Except?”

     She ran a hand through her hair. “Well, here’s the thing. I live in a triple. My roommates are both cool as hell, but I mean … It’s not like we’d have … privacy.” Ali could hear rather than see Ashlyn blush.

     Ali looked shocked. “I’m sorry, do you think I’d put out on the first date? And in a dorm room?”

     “No! No, that’s not what I meant! I just … you know, and there’s just a twin bed so it’s not like we’d have a ton of room. I do want you to stay so please, please come back to Stearns with me. I can sleep on the floor! I’ll – what are you laughing about?”

     Ali couldn’t help it, even if she felt a little bad about teasing her. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I tried but your face is just so cute and you’re so excited, I couldn’t keep it up.” She wrapped her arms over the top of Ashlyn’s shoulders, leaning into her.

     For her part, Ashlyn looked annoyed. “So you’re not coming back with me?”

     “Oh, no, I want to stay with you as long as you want that too,” Ali said, kissing her cheek.

     “So, you’re not gonna make me sleep on the floor?” Ashlyn asked, leaning into the kiss and getting another.

     “Nope,” Ali said simply, kissing her brow.

     “So … that first date stuff …?”

     Ali grinned wickedly, releasing her arms and pulling Ashlyn in the direction of the dorms. “You’ll have to see for yourself. Two roommates _does_ complicate matters though. I guess you’ll have to get creative.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12/5: I'm sorry for the delay in updates! I'm finishing my quarter this week and I've got some serious assignments due. Once I can get through tomorrow, I will have much, much more free time and I will update way more frequently. Thanks for sticking it out! 
> 
> Sorry! I know it's short but I didn't want to leave you guys on a cliffhanger ... Or I guess I wanted to leave you on another one, however you see it. :) I super appreciate all of y'all's feedback!


	8. honest, am i ever gonna leave you breathless?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn and Ali try to share a twin bed with not-so-surprising results.

     Ashlyn had to hand it to Ali; she had confidence in spades. When the two of them walked hand in hand through the front doors of Stearns East, the student worker at the front desk wasn’t trying at all to hide the stunned expression on her face. At first, Ashlyn didn’t understand why the girl covered her mouth to silence her laughter until she felt the draft of the building’s air conditioning around her bare legs and remembered they’d just left a lingerie party.

     She wished desperately that Ali hadn’t thrown Garfield away; a nightgown fit for a retirement home would be preferable to the gawking eyes of the Mary Sue at the counter. Ashlyn felt the blush rise on her cheeks as she reached for her thin wallet stashed right inside the waistband of her underwear, stuck to her hip. Ali stood politely at her side, looking at the glass covered bulletin boards and reading through the random announcements.

     “Um, hi,” Ashlyn mumbled, handing over her student ID card. “I also want to register a guest, please.”

     The girl only nodded in return, lips pursed to hide her smile. She turned to Ali expectantly.

     “Sorry!” Ali said, smiling warmly. “I don’t have my student ID with me, but I stay here relatively often with another resident. I’ve had to be looked up before. Is that okay?”

     It was Ashlyn’s turn to gawk as Ali spoke smoothly and cheerfully as though she wasn’t standing in a dormitory entrance at midnight wearing the skimpier outfits from the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

     “No problem,” the girl replied, turning back to her computer. “If you know your student ID number I can just look you up and we can get your picture from there.”

     As Ali continued working on gaining entry to the building and it looked as though she’d be granted her request, Ashlyn finally allowed herself to consider what was coming her way. She hadn’t thought to text Alyssa and Nicole, unsure of what to say. They had all been roommates for less than three months; Ashlyn was positive that they both knew she was a lesbian, but they hadn’t talked about bringing significant …

     Ashlyn looked over at Ali who was in full conversation with Mandy, as she’d just been addressed, and squinted. Significant other seemed too formal for what was beginning. Were they “talking”? Ashlyn hated the term; she felt that it was only used when someone was too chicken shit to actually say what they felt. At least, until she was trying to figure out how to introduce the soccer playing sorority girl to her two roommates.

     She was out of time. Ali was giving Mandy a wave, saying “Yeah! You should come to the Snowball party right before finals! It’s going to be great!”

     “Thanks! Have a good night Ali!” Mandy said, turning back around to her computer as Ashlyn and Ali crossed the lobby to the elevators.

     “’Have a good night, _Ali_ ’”, Ashlyn griped.

     “What?” Ali asked.

     “You don’t even live here! I don’t even know that girl!” Ashlyn said, pressing the ‘up’ button.

     Ali shrugged. “Maybe if you weren’t too bashful about being in your underwear you could’ve participated in the conversation.”

     Ashlyn mouthed like a fish out of water, wishing to refute Ali’s claims but knowing that they both knew it to be true. Luckily, the elevator arrived.

     “Ladies first,” Ashlyn said, motioning for Ali to cross and enter. “Unless you plan on trying to shut me out again.”

     “Keep talking and you can forget the image of me in this outfit, Harris.”

* * *

     As they walked down the hallway to Ashlyn’s room, Ali wondered briefly if Liz would see her, remembering that her friend from Chemistry lab also lived on the fifteenth floor at Stearns. It was then that she got her first wave of concern, wrapping the flaps of Jason’s jacket more securely around her body. Would Liz wonder who she was with, the time she was with her and why?

     They turned and made their way down the hallway that Ali knew ended at a triple room on both sides and her thoughts raced forward. _Two roommates_ , she thought. Ashlyn had talked about them a little; Ali was sure she hadn’t met them before and they weren’t in the same circles. Still, they would be present as Ali slept in an impossibly tiny twin bed next to Ashlyn. She knew what conclusions she would draw on her own and her anxiety increased.

     On a third and even more worrisome level, she considered her outfit. To hell with Ali being in Ashlyn’s presence at midnight, forget about them sharing a bed. They were going to walk into the room wearing nothing but jackets and their underwear. Ali barely choked down a gulp before Ashlyn’s hand was on the doorknob, and then there was no time left at all.

     “Hey Ash, how was the party?” someone asked from the top bunk on the opposite wall. Ali squinted into the room, dimly lit by one reading lamp.

     “It was … eventful,” Ashlyn said with a chuckle, crossing to the desk on the left and tossing down two keys. She took her phone and wallet out of the jacket pockets, placing those on the nightstand next to a solitary twin bed.

     “Looks like it,” the voice said, followed by rustling as they came into the light. A girl leaned over the side railing, wavy hair up in a messy ponytail. “Hi. I’m Alyssa. I’m Ashlyn’s tall roommate.”

     “Ali,” was all she could get out before she was interrupted by a loud scoff.

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes, taking off her jacket and slinging it onto a pile in the corner. “Whatever. We’re the same height.”

     “Don’t start that crap, Harris! We measured last week! You just don’t want to be shorter.” Alyssa pushed down her blankets, scooting towards the ladder at the end of her bed. “Hey, Ali was it? Ali, can you measure us?”

     “Aw, come on, Lys. I didn’t mean it, get back in bed,” Ashlyn beseeched.

     “No way, dude. This time we’re gonna have a damn witness.”

     Ali froze in her place by the door, unsure of what to do. She looked to Ashlyn for help who sighed in part annoyance, part amusement. “I have a tape measurer over here.”

     “Uh, okay,” Ali said, reaching to take it from Ashlyn who was making a show of stretching up onto her toes, arms above her head.

     “Quit,” Alyssa said, reaching the floor and crossing to the middle of the room to stand next to them. “No cheating.”

     Ashlyn pointed a finger at her, nearly in her chest. “Back to back, heads level. No looking up!”

     It was hard to get the tape measure to work properly with one hand, the other holding the flaps of Jason’s jacket together tightly. As she fumbled, Ashlyn reached over and quietly worked on the zipper, bringing it up to Ali’s chin. The cheeky wink she gave made Ali’s heart thrum a little faster in her chest, and she was sure it had nothing to do with her nervousness.

     There was silence as Ali counted the dashes, her hand across the top of the taller head. With a sigh, she smiled at Ashlyn apologetically. “I’m sorry,” was all she said before Alyssa jumped into the air.

     “I _told_ you!” she said, shaking her fist triumphantly.

     “You’re kidding!” Ashlyn groaned.

     “By like, a quarter of an inch. It’s barely anything,” Ali said.           

     “Don’t try to make her feel better. She’s shorter and now she knows it.” Alyssa stretched, crossing to her dresser drawer.

     Ashlyn looked very sour as she sat down at her desk, kicking her slippers into the dark space under her bed. She was messy, Ali noted. Where Alyssa and Nicole’s side was orderly and neatly arranged, Ashlyn’s was a haphazard mix of clothing, her guitar bag, an amp, a few sloppily rolled cords, and … scrap metal? Ali ran her finger along the edge of a crumpled silver bit, making a show of checking for dirt residue. Ashlyn gave her a sheepish smile.

     “I wasn’t expecting company.”

     “Clearly,” Ali quipped, crossing to sit on the edge of her bed.

     Alyssa dug around in her top drawer, pulling out a pair of pajamas. “Don’t let her lie. She wouldn’t have cleaned anyway.”

     “Do you have anything nice to say to me?” Ashlyn asked, tossing a crumpled up ball of paper in her roommate’s direction.

     Alyssa grabbed a toothbrush and toothpaste off the top of her dresser and then walked over to the door. She opened the door and paused, as though thinking. “You have good taste.” With a pointed look at Ali and a waggle of her brow, she left the room.

     “’You have good taste’?” Ali asked, and Ashlyn shrugged.

     “She isn’t wrong,” she said, getting to her feet and moving to stand in front of Ali.

     Ali crossed her arms over Ashlyn’s shoulders, her eyes narrowing. “She didn’t seem surprised to see you with a girl. Is that cause you’ve talked about me nonstop or is this a frequent habit?”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes, giving Ali a quick kiss. “Do I frequently show up with a girl wearing nothing but underwear? No.”

     “You know what I mean,” Ali said, nipping at her lips. “Are you a ladies … lady?”

     Ashlyn sniggered, kissing the edge of Ali’s jaw. “Would that bother you?”

     “No,” Ali said petulantly. “Would it bother you to know I have a hit list of all of the frat guys on campus?”

     Ashlyn pulled back to give her an appraising look. “No …” She said slowly, and Ali smirked.

     “Liar.”

     “You too!”

     “How do you know?”

     Ashlyn was silent, considering. Ali rescued her, giving her a soft kiss. “I don’t have a hit list of frat guys.”

     Ashlyn dramatized a sigh, kissing her back. “And no, I’m not a ladies lady.”

     The two of them gave into a deeper kiss, their hands slowly roaming over each other’s upper torsos. Ashlyn pulled Ali closer to the edge of the bed, nestling their hips together and hooking her hands beneath her thighs. Ali’s hands gripped onto the edges of Ashlyn’s jacket, using them as leverage. They pulled apart slowly, Ali tugging on Ashlyn’s bottom lip with the edges of her teeth.

     “I didn’t say anything about the list of sorority girls though.”

* * *

     Ashlyn rummaged through her drawers, pausing on each item of clothing in her hand. “Okay, you have the choice between basketball shorts, soccer shorts or—“

     “Baseball shorts?” Ali joked, and a pair of cloth Soffee shorts landed in her lap. She examined them, making a show of how small they were. “I can’t imagine you buying these.”

     “Cause I didn’t,” Ashlyn said, tossing a pair of ragged sweatpants and a t-shirt onto her rumpled bedspread. “They’re my friend Allie’s shorts.” Before Ali could respond, Ashlyn continued. “She’s from Florida and before you say it – definitely not. I don’t know who I spend more time with on break: Allie or her boyfriend.”

     Ali caught the t-shirt thrown her way, smiling. “So you keep her shorts because you miss her?”

     “Yes. I go to sleep each night holding them close, dreaming of the warm Florida sun,” Ashlyn said, taking out two pairs of socks. “Are you always going to assume I sleep with every girl I know? When did that start, by the way?”

     “I’m _teasing_ ,” Ali said, standing next to the bed and unzipping Jason’s jacket, catching the way Ashlyn’s eyes changed focus to her body. “Eyes up here, champ.”

     “I didn’t think you’d be the ‘jealous girlfriend’ type,” Ashlyn said.

     “’Girlfriend’? When did _that_ start?” The teasing look on Ali’s face did nothing but deepen the blush on Ashlyn’s cheeks.

     “I didn’t – I was just – it was a joke. You know, the whole – and you just --- I – whatever. You know what I meant,” Ashlyn said, trying to ignore Ali clearly loving her stammering answer.

     “You’re cute when you have your foot in your mouth,” Ali whispered, pulling Ashlyn to her to nuzzle their faces together.

     “Wait till you see how cute I am when I have something else in my mouth,” Ashlyn said, turning her head to take Ali’s earlobe in between her teeth.

     “Oh yeah?” Ali asked, a shiver running through her.

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn murmured, running her lips down the column of Ali’s throat as her fingertips danced across the tops of Ali’s thighs, moving down in tandem with Ashlyn as she lowered to a crouch, her mouth trailing along the lines of lace on the lingerie. “I’m sure I’ll look downright adorable.”

     Ali giggled through her gasping breath, reaching back with both hands to brace herself on the edge of the bed. “I think I’d like to see that,” she said, clamping her mouth shut when Ashlyn ghosted breath across the exposed strip of skin between the bottom of Ali’s corset and the top of her lacy red underwear. It was infuriating, the way Ashlyn just barely grazed her lips at the edge of the fabric, not enough for Ali to find any relief and only just sufficient in building the dull ache between her thighs.

     “Just fucking _darling_ ,” Ashlyn said, her mouth pressing against her abdomen in earnest, the vibrations of her voice traveling up and down and _in_ and Ali’s legs began to part of their own accord, helped in part by Ashlyn’s hands as they moved up from her ankles to her knees, sliding in between her soft, sensitive thighs and Ali felt a rush of breath between her lips and she knew she must be dripping wet and ---

     Luckily Alyssa had trouble with unlatching the door which gave Ashlyn enough time to leap to her feet, moving away from Ali as though she hadn’t just been moments away from finding out how she tasted. For her part, Ali stood dazed at the edge of the bed, white knuckle grip on the raised side railing. She didn’t move until Alyssa came into the room, rubbing her face in to a small hand towel.

     “Yeah, so if you go down the hallway and take a left, the bathroom is going to be on your right. I think it’s past the third room,” Ashlyn said, opening her small wardrobe and pulling out a washrag.

     “Yes,” Ali said in response, robotically gathering the t-shirt and shorts that she’d dropped to the floor.

     Ashlyn grinned at her stunned expression, checking to make sure Alyssa was busy putting her things away. When she had Ali’s attention, she winked and silently blew her a kiss. “I’ll be right behind you. I’m gonna grab my toothbrush and stuff. I don’t have extra but you can do the whole use-your-finger thing.” She waggled a finger at her, and Ali rolled her eyes.

     Ali left the room and when the door clicked behind her, Alyssa wasted no time in turning to Ashlyn. “You guys aren’t gonna wait until you think I’m asleep and then have weird, silent sex are you?”

     “And rob you of the chance to listen? Dream on.”

* * *

     This was hell, Ashlyn was sure of it.

     All was quiet in the room. She didn’t have to think Alyssa was asleep; her soft snores left very little to question. Nicole hadn’t shown up but had sent a text to her roommates, letting them know she was staying at her boyfriend’s off campus apartment for the night. They’d spent the evening handing out candy to the trick or treaters in his neighborhood and she promised a small fortune in Reese’s peanut butter cups.

     All was quiet except for her own pounding heart. They’d all been in bed with the lights off for a little over forty-three minutes by the count of the illuminated clock on Nicole’s bedside table; forty-three minutes of Ali’s ass nestled into Ashlyn’s lap, forty-three minutes with Ashlyn’s face buried into the nape of Ali’s neck, forty-three minutes of her hand resting on Ali’s defined hipbone. Forty-three minutes that were complicated each time the brunette would shift against her, pressing back against her or exposing more skin on her neck or twining their feet together at the bottom of the bed.

     Ashlyn was not-so-slowly going crazy.

     She did her best to quietly exhale, softly pressing her lips to Ali’s skin and trying to reason with herself. Ali had said that even though it was Halloween, it was also a Monday and they both had class the next morning. She’d kissed her sweetly, using their face to face position to wrap them in a full body embrace before she flipped onto her other side, whispering that she liked to be the little spoon. Ashlyn was all too happy to oblige, snuggling against her and luxuriating in the feel of Ali’s firm body.

     At least that was before she laid awake, unable to sleep due to the fact that her brain hadn’t quite let go of its mission from before when Alyssa had been out of the room. She’d been so close; so close to tugging Ali’s underwear down, leaving them pooled on the floor as she worked at the space between her legs. In her head, Alyssa had never returned. The two of them had continued unhindered, and apparently also had soundproof walls. She pictured Ali’s thighs framing her face and her hands in her hair, and screaming Ashlyn’s name and this was all before it was her turn.

     Reflexively, Ashlyn’s hips surged forward into Ali’s ass, softly grinding against her, seeking any sort of pressure. She fought the urge to slip a hand in her sweatpants, believing that she wouldn’t be able to stop there and would have Ali awake, risking her ire. Her hand itched to move up, to slide along Ali’s defined stomach and up to her chest, aching just to get a handful, a touch of just one breast.

     How would she feel? How would she sound? Was she quiet or was she vocal? Ashlyn pictured her face in ecstasy, sparing no detail of how she’d bite her lip or how the corners of her mouth would turn up in a satisfied grin. When she realized that she wanted nothing more than to touch herself, she stopped her imaginings at once. _It’ll have to wait_ , she told herself firmly, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. _It’ll wait but it’ll be worth it._

     Her phone buzzed and lit up, the soft glow projecting onto the ceiling. She thought it to be Kelley and quietly rolled to reach for it, adjusting her eyes to the brightness.

 **Elevator Ali:** are u humping me??

     Ashlyn quickly looked back over and was met with Ali’s cheeky grin. She looked down at her phone, tapping away.

 **Elevator Ali:** cause if u are, u could just ask …

     Grateful for the dark so Ali couldn’t see the deep red of Ashlyn’s face, she typed a reply.

 **Ashlyn** : NO i wasnt

     Realizing there was no good explanation, she cleared the message and watched the blank cursor blink, aware of Ali’s gaze from the corner of her eye. She began again.

 **Ashlyn** : can you blame me? i don’t think ive ever had to resist something so tempting.

 **Elevator Ali:** who said u had to resist?

     Ashlyn felt her neck pop from how quickly she turned her head to meet Ali’s eyes. They exchanged smiles, and Ashlyn felt her heart take off again.

 **Ashlyn** : we can’t tho … lys would kill me

 **Elevator Ali:** ya. im not really into being watched. unless sometime u wanna watch just me …

     Ashlyn brought her fist to her mouth to stifle a groan and Ali turned to chuckle into her sleeve.

 **Elevator Ali:** come on harris. Don’t give up so easy …

     Ashlyn racked her brain, half wishing she wasn’t so distracted so she could come up with an idea. Making matters much worse, Ali shifted to face her, canting her own hips forward and nudging them against Ashlyn. She responded in kind and in no time their phones lay to the side as they moved against each other in near silence save for the rustling of the sheets and comforter.

     Ali buried her face in Ashlyn’s neck, her hands on the tops of her shoulders. Ashlyn leaned her head back, Ali’s lips scorching each inch of skin they kissed. Raising one knee, they both knew they found a good angle as near identical quiet sighs left both their mouths. Ashlyn grabbed onto Ali’s hip, fingertips digging into her as they rutted against each other; biting her own lip to stop any further sounds from escaping.

     It was Ali who failed first; she pressed down as Ashlyn’s thigh pushed against the apex of her thighs and her squeal seemingly echoed into the room. Both of them stilled immediately, Ashlyn’s ears straining to catch a break in Alyssa’s patterned snores. The seconds felt like hours and Ashlyn wondered what she would say in excuse before she heard it: unmistakably unconscious deep and even breathing.

     Thanking her lucky stars, Ashlyn waited while Ali picked up her phone.

 **Elevator Ali:** i need u NOW!

 _Think fucking fast, Harris_ , she thought furiously, urging her mind to come up with something, anything. Finally, it hit her. She grabbed her phone, typing as quickly as she could, slipping out of the bed before Ali had time to read.

 **Ashlyn** : come with me

* * *

     The two of them crept around the corner at the end of the hallway, Ashlyn clutching two bath towels in her hand. Each footstep, though padded by her slippers, felt like the loudest drum, alerting everyone of what they were doing. She fought to keep calm, pulling Ali forward with their joined hands.

     “Where are we going?” Ali hissed, and Ashlyn shushed her in response.

     When they stopped at the doorway, Ali’s eyes widened. “ _This_ is your grand plan?”

     “Just shut up and get inside,” Ashlyn said, pushing Ali through the bathroom door.

     Ashlyn crept past the line of sinks, straining for sounds of other nighttime patrons. “Hello?” She whispered, reaching the stalls.

     “Like someone’s gonna say ‘howdy partner’ back to you?” Ali asked sarcastically, running into Ashlyn when she stopped abruptly. “Ouch.”

     “It’s not a bed of roses but if we can’t get naked together in the next five minutes, I swear I’m going to lose my fucking mind,” Ashlyn said, looking down into Ali’s eyes.

     Ali looked behind her at the empty shower stall, in the farthest corner from the bathroom door. She debated for a few seconds, gnawing the inside of her cheek. One glance back at Ashlyn and she made a note to tell her that puppy dog eyes were illegal in any future argument. “You better pray the hot water doesn’t run out.”

     In a second, they were on each other, kissing sloppily as they both worked to remove the other’s clothing. Ashlyn pulled away first, hanging up the towels on the hook and Ali seized on the opportunity to pull her t-shirt over her head, running her hands down her exposed chest. Her palms covered Ashlyn’s breasts, and when Ashlyn’s head fell back against the tile, Ali replaced one hand with her mouth.

     “God,” Ashlyn choked out, her hands feebly tugging on the edge of Ali’s borrowed t-shirt.

     “Just me,” Ali murmured against Ashlyn’s skin, dropping her other hand to start pulling down her own shorts. “You better start that water. I used to live here. It takes a minute to warm up.”

     Ashlyn did as instructed while Ali did her best to neatly fold her shorts and removed t-shirt, placing them on top of Ashlyn’s on the little plastic table underneath their towels. When Ashlyn turned around again, her mouth dropped open seeing Ali’s fully naked body.

     “Jesus.”

     “Still me.” Ali couldn’t fight her nervous grin, reaching forward to pull Ashlyn’s topless body back to her. “You can touch me, you know,” she said, wriggling against her while she fought her stunned lack of motion.

     Not needing to be told twice, Ashlyn cupped Ali’s ass with gusto, and in a surprising display of strength, lifted her with ease. Ali wrapped her legs tightly around Ashlyn’s waist, using her heels to try to peel down the edges of Ashlyn’s sweatpants. For her part, Ashlyn sucked a bruise right below Ali’s collarbone, running the broadside of her tongue against the skin there. Ali leaned her head back, painfully aware of the ache between her legs that hadn’t subsided from earlier in the evening. If she was honest, she’d been wet since she saw what Ashlyn had on under her nightgown.

     “Ali,” Ashlyn whispered into her skin, taking two staggering steps back and going fully into the stall. Ali reached behind her to pull the curtain closed, feeling the misty spray from the shower head start to cover her skin. She shuddered in the still cool water, her hardened nipples rubbing into Ashlyn’s bare skin.

     Reveling in Ashlyn’s responsive moan, Ali grabbed her face between both hands and kissed her deeply, using her tongue to explore the ridges of her teeth and lips. “You’re gonna get your pants wet,” she said, hearing the spray hit the cloth.

     “Too late,” Ashlyn murmured, taking the final step back and bringing Ali under the water. The two of them shuddered together, bodies acclimating to the slowly raising temperature.

     “Want down,” Ali said, and she was granted her wish. As soon as she was back on the floor, she pulled Ashlyn’s pants off, letting them stay in a pile where they landed. Then their bodies were fully pressed together, both of them using their hands to explore while their mouths were busy.

     Ashlyn was delighted to discover that Ali did in fact like to make noise, but she had to press her fingers to her mouth when her first startled cry echoed through the tiled room. “Shh,” she said, and Ali began to suck on her fingers. “You’re gonna wake the whole floor.”

     “Mmm,” Ali hummed with her lips wrapped firmly around Ashlyn’s index and middle fingers. Ashlyn watched in a haze, biting onto her own lip to stop from making noises.

     Ali’s mouth opened and Ashlyn removed her hand, heading down below. “Think you can stay quiet?” she asked in a whisper, teasing the sensitive bare flesh right above Ali’s lips.

“Don’t know till I try,” Ali gasped, raising one foot to press against the shower wall and giving Ashlyn full access.

     “C- for effort,” Ashlyn said against Ali’s ear as she struggled to stifle the first moan; even through the water, Ashlyn could feel the thick, slick coating on both of her fingers as soon as she ran her fingertips down the parting of Ali’s lips. As she came back up, she teased her entrance with her middle finger, reaching up with her thumb to rub her clit.

     “Shut the fuck uhh…” Ashlyn silenced the next moan with her mouth, and continued kissing her as she sped up with her hand, sinking her finger in up to the knuckle.

     All in all, it took five minutes for Ali to come, shuddering and shaking against Ashlyn’s body. They kissed deeply, Ashlyn swallowing much of the sounds that Ali couldn’t suppress. One of Ali’s hands clawed against the tile wall, nails scrabbling against the tile grout and the other pressing down hard on Ashlyn’s shoulder. They rode it out together, Ashlyn cradling her in the now-warmed spray, placing soothing kisses on her forehead.

     “Oh _God_ ,” Ali said, laughing breathlessly.

     “Just me,” Ashlyn joked, kissing her mouth again.

     “Don’t look so fucking pleased with yourself,” Ali said, nipping at her jawline, but she smiled anyway.

     “I don’t think I’m nearly as pleased as you are.” Ashlyn waggled her eyebrows, highly amused until it turned into dumbfounded awe when Ali started dropping to her knees.

     “Let’s see if we can change that,” she whispered, the words nearly lost as Ashlyn’s breathing became much louder.

     Ali was satisfied to know that she wasn’t the only one who had trouble keeping quiet. With the first slow drag of her tongue across Ashlyn’s clit, she looked up to see the blonde all but stuff her fist into her mouth, and still she heard a muffled moan. Again, she slid her tongue along the sensitive skin, following with light suction from her mouth and she couldn’t stop from laughing when Ashlyn covered her face with both hands.

     “You’re gonna wanna see this,” Ali said before she really got started.

     She was right; Ashlyn was transfixed as she watched Ali’s head bob between her legs, both of her hands pushing her thighs apart to give her more room. She did her best to accommodate, fighting her reflexive desire to close them tightly. In no time at all, she was craning forward, nearly folding her torso over Ali as her legs began to shake.

     “Yes, yes, yes,” she whispered in a mantra, her hands pressing into the opposite wall for support. “More, God, more.”

     Ali hummed happily, reaching to add another finger to her ministrations. That did the trick; Ashlyn’s body jerked all at once and then she had moved her hands to the top of Ali’s head, fighting the urge to close her fists in her hair. With weak arms, she urged Ali up, closing her legs against the continued onslaught on her sensitive skin.

     “Fuck,” Ashlyn breathed, leaning in to kiss Ali and tasting herself on her lips. “That was amazing.”

     Ali returned the kiss in earnest, wrapping her arms around Ashlyn’s neck. “I do my best.”

     “Wanna go again?” Ashlyn asked, eagerness all over her face.

     “How long do you think the warm water will hold out?”

     The warm water lasted for twenty one more minutes, but it took an additional eight for them to finally give in to the cold and exit the shower stall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! I'm going to be posting more often now that most of my finals are done. Hurrah for Christmas break!


	9. up in the clouds, over the city

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali and Ashlyn spend a great day together which comes to a rather abrupt end.

     Ashlyn was having a pleasant dream: there were ribbons of light dancing around, with spirals of sparks and she could see Ali’s face smiling at her. They were together; in the car, at the party, in the shower. Flashes of memory combined with the sweetened edge of fantasy raced through her mind. Then suddenly, there was a harsh, loud sound filling up her head, getting closer and closer and she couldn’t figure out where it was from and then –

_Whack!_

     “What the …?” Ashlyn said groggily, moving to rub the spot on her head that ached and coming into contact with a splayed hand.

     “Turn it off,” she heard Ali grumble.

     As her bedroom came into view, bathed in the early morning sunlight streaming in through the windows, Ashlyn realized where the obnoxiously loud sound was coming from. She reached over to her right side, slapping blindly at the alarm clock until the room went silent, echoes of the buzzing noise still in her ears.

     “Thank you,” Ali breathed, nuzzling her head into Ashlyn’s chest.

     They were entwined in the middle of the bed, the curve of Ali’s body pressed up against Ashlyn’s side, one leg hiked up around her hip. She had one arm under her head and the other flung out across Ashlyn’s torso, fingers moving back to tuck under her ribs.

     “Did you hit me?” Ashlyn asked incredulously, craning to look down at the top of Ali’s head.

     “Your stupid alarm kept going off for forever. ‘Said your name like a thousand times but you were dead to the world. It was time for drastic measures.” The words were muffled as Ali turned in and kissed the place where her cheek had been. “I did it for us.”

     “Keep telling yourself that,” Ashlyn said, stretching her toes out. “Ugh, what time is it?”

     “You’re the one that just looked at the alarm clock.”

     Ashlyn twisted her body to the side, a move complicated by Ali’s protests when she was uprooted from her nook. A quick look to the digital display and then Ashlyn sighed, rubbing her face again.

     “You better get going Princess or you’ll be late. It’s 8:37.”

     Ali groaned, nuzzling her face into Ashlyn’s armpit while stretching her legs out, long languid movements that strongly reminded Ashlyn of a lazy housecat. “Shit. I’m supposed to be in class in twenty minutes.”

     The two of them started moving, stretching and splaying out, their bodies brushing together and apart. As they settled, Ali finally opened her eyes, looking up at Ashlyn who was already smiling down at her. "Hi,” she said bashfully, ducking her head and covering her mouth. “I’m really missing that toothbrush right around now.”

     “Whatever,” Ashlyn said, leaning down to kiss her. Ali didn’t relent, her mouth remaining stiffly closed, but corners turned up in a grin.

     They sat up together, Ali reaching up and over her head in a stretch. She looked around the room for a second, bringing the blanket up over her chest when she shivered. “Where’s Alyssa?”

     “Pool,” Ashlyn said, mussing up her hair and then gathering it with the hair tie on her wrist. “She goes every morning like clockwork.” Ali just nodded in response, covering a yawn. With her hair out of her face, Ashlyn grinned and leaned to place a kiss right below Ali’s ear. “Why? Are you trying to get a morning pick me up?”

     Ali nudged back against her but kept her neck exposed for another kiss. “You wish.”

     “I do!” Ashlyn said, turning fully and pulling Ali closer. “Don’t forget, you still haven’t gotten me a belated birthday present.”

     Ali relented, giving a quick kiss before turning her mouth away again. “What did you think last night was?”

     “Treats,” Ashlyn said and upon Ali’s questioning look: “It was Halloween. Different holiday entirely.”

     Ali began to pull away, rolling her eyes. “It was like 2 AM and thus, no longer Halloween. That _was_ your birthday present.”

     When Ashlyn paused at her task of keeping Ali in bed, the brunette pushed down the blankets, leaning forward to touch her fingers to her toes. “Okay, I agree.” Ashlyn said simply.

     “You do?” Ali asked, giving her a look.

     “Yeah. Last night was my belated birthday present.” Then she reached down, pulling the blankets up and pressing against Ali until they were horizontal again, covering their heads with the comforter. “Now let’s work on my belated Halloween treat.”

* * *

     Seven minutes later, Ali threw back the covers, wiping a light sheen of sweat from her face and the hair from her eyes. Her chest heaved with exertion, and she scooted up to a sitting position, pushing the blanket back farther so Ashlyn could scramble up to her knees where she had been laying between Ali’s thighs.

     “Wow, you’re good at that,” Ali said, leaning forward to give her an enthusiastic kiss.

     “Wanna see if I can get better?” Ashlyn asked breathlessly, wiping the edges of her mouth.

     “I’d love to, but …” Ali smirked, swinging her legs over and hopping down from the bed.

     Ashlyn watched with wide eyes, tracking Ali as she crossed to the desk and picked up her cell phone. “Crap, it’s dead. You don’t have a Blackberry charger do you?”

     “Where are you going?”

     “Class.” Ali said, reaching down and picking up her lingerie from the night before, examining it for the possibility of wear.

     Annoyingly, Ashlyn was immediately distracted by the image of Ali standing in front of her, wearing nothing but one of her old ratty t-shirts and a pair of socks, the sight of her toned ass cheeks more adorable than sexy. She felt a throb between her legs – _Okay, maybe more sexy_. “What the hell? What about me?”

     “It’s ‘trick or treat’ at Halloween right?”

     “Yeah, so?”

     “So enjoy the trick. Thanks for the treat.” Ali turned and reached up on her toes to kiss Ashlyn, a brief press of her lips before she was crossing the room to her dresser.

     “That’s cheating,” Ashlyn pouted, reaching down to readjust her damp underwear.

     Ali opened the top drawer, not looking back as she spoke. “How about we make plans for later?” She said, rummaging through Ashlyn’s selection of gym shorts.

     Ashlyn hopped down from the bed, walking to stand behind Ali. She leaned into her, trailing her hands up Ali’s bare sides and up into her t-shirt, following along the lines of her abs and ghosting her fingers over the undersides of both breasts. “How about you hang out with me today?” She murmured into her ear.

     It worked; distracted, Ali leaned back into Ashlyn’s chest, arching her back and gripping onto the drawer for support. She swirled her hips back, and Ashlyn left one hand covering a nipple, the other trailing down and down until she cupped Ali’s sex with her palm. As Ashlyn pressed a circle against her with the pads of her fingers, Ali moaned. “Mmm, I’ve got class.”

     Ashlyn nudged until she found Ali’s earlobe, nipping at it while rubbing another circle into her clit, Ali’s wetness clinging to her fingers and causing a mirrored reaction in Ashlyn’s shorts. “Class and a great ass.”

     Ali snorted and pulled away, turning around in Ashlyn’s arms, leaning back against the dresser. “Charming,” she said, rolling her eyes.

     “I’m not firing on all cylinders yet,” Ashlyn said, kissing her jawline and starting to slide her hands back down, meeting resistance when Ali’s hands covered hers.

     “I need clothes.” Ali’s next kiss had an air of finality and Ashlyn sighed in feigned annoyance, moving her aside as she started digging through the dresser drawer.

     “Yeah, you’d probably make some kind of impression showing up to class in your Adriana Lima costume though,” Ashlyn said, pulling out a long sleeved thermal and picking up a sports bra. She held it to Ali’s chest, eyeing her size and then handed it to her.

     “Got any jeans?” Ali asked when Ashlyn reached for a pair of Adidas workout pants.

     Ashlyn cocked her eyebrow but leaned down to the next one, digging through and grabbing a pair of dark, fitted jeans. “I don’t know if you’ll like em,” she said, handing them over. Ali started tugging them on, hopping around on one foot. “I wear my pants kind of loose. And I typically buy them in the guy’s section.”

     “What do you think?” Ali said, fastening the button and reaching to pull the t-shirt over her head. The pants hung low on her waist, and Ashlyn knew that if Ali didn’t keep herself totally waxed that she’d see hair. The divots of her hipbones stuck out, as well as the top of Ali’s lone tattoo: the University of Colorado logo right at the juncture of her pelvis and thigh. She turned to put on the sports bra and shirt, but all Ashlyn could focus on were the twists of her hips. As she finished dressing and started to put her hair up, she gave her a questioning look. “Well?”

     “Mmm. Sorry,” Ashlyn said, shaking her head lightly. “That’s a good look on you.”

     Ali smirked, looking down at herself. “Yeah?”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn murmured, pulling her forward and into her arms.

     "You know what else will look good on me?” Ali whispered, pressing her chest into Ashlyn’s, leaning up to kiss right below her ear.

     “What’s that?” Ashlyn asked, sliding her hands into the back pockets of Ali’s jeans, pulling her even closer by her ass.

     “Honors tassels,” Ali deadpanned, kissing her cheek. “I gotta go.” Then she was pulling away, crossing over to grab all of her stuff from Ashlyn’s desk. She held up her phone again. “No Blackberry charger?” Ashlyn shook her head. “Ugh, I don’t even have my book bag. Do you have a notebook I can steal?”

     Ashlyn went to dig one out of her desk drawer, also producing a pen to hand to Ali. She got a kiss in return while Ali started slipping on a pair of Ashlyn’s Nikes. “I’ll have to go back to the house after class to charge my phone but then I’ll text you. Can you hang on to my party stuff so I don’t have to walk around campus with underwear and heels? This outfit is clearly walk-of-shamey enough.”

     “Sure,” Ashlyn said, giving her a disappointed sigh. “I guess I’ll go to class too, since you’re giving me such a good example to follow. But I’m gonna be late in protest!”

     “Ugh, I am too,” Ali said, glancing at the bedside clock. She leaned into Ashlyn for a deeper kiss, her hands sliding up and around her neck. “Bye,” she said, kissing her three times quickly before turning and walking out the door.

     “I guess I’ll just take care of this too,” Ashlyn griped, readjusting her underwear again.

 _Fuck class_ , Ashlyn thought, flopping back on her bed and reaching to grab her phone. She checked the time and scrolled for a name in her phonebook. She still had a few minutes before the 9:00 AM classes started.

     “Heeeeeeeey there,” Kelley’s voice came across the line, wind in the background.

     “Hey Kel,” Ashlyn said, “You on your way to class?”

     “Ugh, yes. Fuckin’ Jason. And those girls! They know how to drink. Christen had me under the fucking table by 1 AM,” Kelley groaned.

     Ashlyn raised her eyebrows. “Yeah? You and Christen huh? And under a table? Couldn’t find a bedroom in a frat house?”

     “Fuck off,” Kelley said, huffing and puffing and Ashlyn pictured her climbing the stairs at the science building, where most of her classes were held. “You know what I meant. Besides, Press isn’t my type.”

     “I thought you liked boobs,” Ashlyn cracked, nestling in under the blankets.

     “She does have a great pair, you’re right. She looked hot last night. You know who _else_ looked smoking hot? Aaaaall-“

     Ashlyn cut her off. “Yes, yes. Go ahead and ask your questions.”

     “First of all, did she hold the muumuu against you?”

     “Kelley.”

     “Okay, whatever. So, where did y’all go after that fight? I’m sad I didn’t get to see you throw down. It looked like you were going to for a second. But then Ali went ahead and took care of it for you, I saw.” Abruptly, the wind cut off on the other side, and Ashlyn could hear echoing footsteps.

     “Yeah, that was fucked up. But we talked it out. She’s just not into public displays of aggression. So we walked and talked and then I asked her to come back to Stearns with me. She agreed and then you know …” Ashlyn trailed off, hearing the anticipation charge up the silence.

     “I know? I know what? What happened?” Kelley asked, and the footsteps stopped.

     “Wellllll,” Ashlyn said, taking a long sigh.

     “You didn’t! Did you?! Where? You have two roommates! Did y’all fuck in a broom closet?” Kelley was ecstatic, laughing into the phone.

      "We went to bed,” Ashlyn said, grinning when she realized she wasn’t technically lying.

     “You went to bed or you went to _bed_ ,” Kelley asked.

     “Gross. Lys was here,” Ashlyn replied.

     “Ugh. Ali in that outfit and you didn’t even get any.”

     “Anyway,” Ashlyn said, “I wanted to make sure you got back okay.”

     “Yeah, like 8 hours later,” Kelley cracked. “If I was gonna be kidnapped, they’d be harvesting the organs by now.”

     “It’s the thought that counts, right?”

     “Right. So I’m gonna keep you and your blue balls in my _thoughts_ ,” Kelley said.

     “Don’t hold vigil for too long,” Ashlyn laughed. “She’s just … It’s …”

     “Different?” Kelley asked and Ashlyn felt herself nod.

     “It’s not like she’s some girl I met off the street.”

     “Yeah, you met her when she tried to squash you in an elevator.”

     “She’s … different. She’s real. It sounds stupid, I know. I just … Kelley. She’s so …”

     “Hopefully she’s got a better vocabulary than you do or I imagine y’all would just sit there and stare at each other.”

     “Fuck off, I’m trying to be poetic.”

     “Well, give me your poetry later. I’ve got a vector calc exam.”

     There was a quick succession of knocks on Ashlyn’s door. “Ah, yeah. I gotta go anyway. I think Lys left her key again. Just a second! Later Kel.”

     “Later dude,” Kelley said, and the line went dead.

     Ashlyn groaned, pushing back the blankets that had already started warming around her body. “I’m gonna tie that key on a fuckin’ string and tie it around your neck Lys. You gotta stop – Hi.”

     Her griping ceased the moment the door opened and Ali stood there, a wide, toothy grin on her face. “Hi.”

     “What are you doing here?” Ashlyn asked, leaning against the door frame.

     “Apparently waiting on your doorstep. Can I come in?” Without waiting for an answer, Ali pushed past her, grabbing her hand as she went by.

     As the door clicked shut, Ali was wrapping herself around Ashlyn’s stunned body, kissing her deeply. Her hands went into her hair as she walked them backwards to the bed, tugging on the waistband of Ashlyn’s shorts. As her fingers brushed the elastic of her underwear beneath, Ashlyn came to life, kissing her back with ferocity and beginning to work on the fly of her jeans.

     “What happened to the honors tassel?” she asked breathlessly.

     “That’s what study groups are for,” Ali said, tugging on her bottom lip with her teeth. She pushed Ashlyn’s hands away, moving them behind her back. “It’s my turn.”

     “Hence me taking off your pants,” Ashlyn murmured, but she stayed still as her shorts fell to the ground, stepping out and kicking them to the side.

     “No, my turn to do this,” Ali replied, slipping her hand inside Ashlyn’s underwear and running her fingers through the soft patch of curls.

     Ashlyn’s hips jerked forward, seeking her touch. “You know,” she started, clearing her throat with a moan, “As fun as this is, I had another plan for us today.”

     “Oh I know,” Ali said, licking a stripe along Ashlyn’s collarbone. “That’s the benefit of an early start.”

     Then, Ashlyn didn’t care to protest anymore, giving over to Ali’s control.

* * *

     “We smell like sex,” Ali complained, shutting the door of Ashlyn’s truck behind her after she climbed inside.

     Ashlyn chuckled, jimmying her keys in the ignition. “Well Princess, that’s what happens when you fuck for basically 6 hours straight.”

     “Don’t exaggerate. We slept,” Ali said, warming her hands up against the feebly blowing vents.

     “If you consider just how many times our hands, and mouths, have been in each other’s vaginas—“

     “Don’t be crude.”

     “Gentle lady gardens then, but if you consider the number of times and divide that by the small number of hours we did them all in … We basically fucked for 6 hours straight,” Ashlyn said, and Ali just turned resolutely forward, a blush rising on her cheeks.

     “I didn’t hear you complaining,” Ali said, biting her lip.

     “Oh, please, don’t misunderstand. I am absolutely thrilled that you seem to be just as hot for me as I am for you,” Ashlyn replied, coming to a stop at a red light. She threw the truck in park, leaning over to turn Ali’s chin. “I’d like to see if we can get that up to double digit hours later.”

     “Cocky,” Ali said, but she kissed her back, and they didn’t pull away until the cars behind them started honking.

     They didn’t talk much as they drove from the city and into the mountains, content to listen to Ashlyn’s eclectic mix of burned CDs and old albums from the 90s. She didn’t have an exact taste; she told Ali that ever since she was a kid, she’d always just had a liking for songs that clicked in her ear. Anything that moved her was something to carry along. As the “Jerry Maguire” soundtrack played, Ali reached over on the bench seat, wordlessly twining their fingers together. By the time Ashlyn smiled at her, she was already back to looking out the window, watching the morning sun bathe the craggy faces of rock ahead of them.

* * *

     “Good morning ladies, that’ll be $10 please,” said the entrance attendant, leaning out of his window with a tip of his green State Park hat.

     Ashlyn handed over a crinkled bill, accepting the map of the park in return. “Thanks. Is Trail Ridge Road still open?”

     “Sure is,” he replied. “This balmy fall means we got a few extra weeks. That snowstorm projected for this weekend might change that, though.” He pointed down the road ahead of them. “If you follow along this road, take the second left you come to. There’ll be a sign if you need it. This way leads you right to Trail Ridge. You can take that all the way around to Grand Lake.”

     “Thanks! Have a good day,” Ashlyn said and Ali waved from the passenger seat. As she rolled her window up, Ali shivered and snuggled into the heavy coat in her lap. “That reminds me, I gotta text Lys and tell her we took her extra jacket.”

     “You asshole! I knew you didn’t ask before we left!” Ali said, swatting her arm.

     “She was in class!” Ashlyn responded, dodging another swipe. “She’ll get the message around the same time anyway. Not all of us keep our _Blackberries_ attached to our heads.”

     Ali stuck her tongue out. “I can’t help that I’m popular.”

     “Oh _whatever_ ,” Ashlyn said, and Ali laughed, looking back out the window at the rapidly changing scenery.

     As they crossed into the park, the mountains that always looked stacked on top of each other in the distance from where Ali normally saw them were able to really show their depth; each corner they rounded revealed another valley between two monumental peaks, their surfaces painted deep reds and browns and golden hues, peppered with trees as tall as some of the buildings in downtown Denver.

     “It’s so beautiful. I always forget,” Ali said in revelry, face pressed nearly to the glass.

     “Me too,” Ashlyn said honestly, craning her neck to look up at a looming mountain. “I don’t come up here nearly as often as I want to.”

     “Me either,” Ali said, “My family has a vacation house in Aspen so if I hit the mountains then I usually go there. It’s always where Kyle wants to go.”

     “’Vacation house’. Wow,” Ashlyn eyed her. “Just how loaded are you anyway? I know I call you Princess but how long until I find out you’re royalty from some European country?”

     Ali waggled her eyebrows. “Duchess is actually the proper term.” Ashlyn feigned shock and Ali shook her head. “Aren’t you not supposed to ask people that question anyway?”

     “I’m taking that as ‘a lot loaded’ then,” Ashlyn said, making the second left as indicated on the sign.

* * *

     “Oh _wow_ ,” Ashlyn said, closing the truck door and walking to the barrier of large rocks meant to keep vehicles from careening over the edge. “It’s so fucking gorgeous.”

     “I wish I had my camera,” Ali said, zipping up her jacket against the rather strong wind. “Not that I think it would do this view any justice.”

     Ashlyn turned to her, lifting her index fingers and thumbs in a frame, one eye closed. “My view is pretty spectacular. I think I could get some good shots.” Ali rolled her eyes, but kept moving towards her, allowing Ashlyn to wrap an arm around her waist.

     “It’s so quiet,” Ali said, looking around the valley below. “I figured there’d be more tourists.”

     “It’s a Tuesday morning,” Ashlyn said, looking around them. “I bet a bunch of people down there are sleeping off hangovers.”

     “Good thing we worked ours off,” Ali smirked, reaching down to pinch Ashlyn’s ass.

     “See? You wanna complain about smelling like sex but then you go and do a thing like that.” She turned to face her, cupping her face and pressing their lips together, her tongue tracing along Ali’s mouth.

     Not one to be deterred, Ali pulled away, looking back towards the view. “We still have many, many miles of Trail Ridge Road Miss Harris. If you wanna work on hour seven, we better get driving.”

     “I’m gonna Mario Kart the shit out of this. Get in the truck,” Ashlyn called over her shoulder as she made a show of turning and running back to the driver door.

     “Yeah, Mario doesn’t die when he falls off a cliff but I guarantee you we will,” Ali griped, following her back to the truck. “Besides, we’re going to enjoy this date. You can’t just want me for my body.”

     “But it’s a fantastic fucking body,” Ashlyn pouted, closing the door behind her. Once Ali was in, she smirked at her. “So, this is a date?”

     “What did you think it was?” Ali batted her eyelashes.

     “Halftime.”

     Ashlyn chuckled as Ali smacked her again, reversing the truck to continue on their path.

* * *

     “It’s getting colder,” Ashlyn whined, but Ali couldn’t hear her.

     “Did you say something?” Ali asked, turning around from two steep stone steps above her. They were at another stop, one that boasted one of the highest points on the road and a view across the range into Wyoming. Ali’s soccer training served her well; she knew she could probably sprint the rest of the way up, but she held back for Ashlyn. “Man, it’s cold up here.”

     “That’s what I said,” Ashlyn griped, getting level with her. “It’s frozen. My toes are gonna turn black and fall off.”

     “Well, we’re on top of a mountain,” Ali reasoned, turning to continue. “It’s gonna get windier.”

     “What?” Ashlyn shouted, huffing and puffing behind her.

     When they reached the peak, Ashlyn made a show of falling on the ground, splaying her body out on the icy rocks. Ali just walked by her. “You’re gonna freeze your ass off.”

     “Already off,” Ashlyn said, hopping back up. She walked over to Ali, looking down at the view below. “Whoa, this one’s even better.”

     “See, wasn’t it worth it?” Ali asked, nuzzling Ashlyn’s neck with her face until Ashlyn jumped away.

     “Ahhh, your nose is like a snowman’s dick!” she said, rubbing at her skin.

     Ali put her hands on her hips. “’A snowman’s dick’? Did you forget that you’re not hanging out with Kelley?”

     “What? Does Duchess Krieger wish for me to take a more formal tongue when I dare speak to her?” Ashlyn bowed deeply, holding out a hand. “Dearest, loveliest Duchess, please forgive the crudeness of my words, I shan’t wish to offend. I meant only that the icy perfection that is your visage has left a rather unpleasant frost on the delicate skin of my neck. Please, tell me you accept this revision in my words.”

     “I liked Princess better,” Ali said, swatting her outstretched hand away. “Save the dirty talk for bed.”

     Immediately, Ashlyn’s face lit up. “Yeah, you’re into the dirty talk?”

     Ali rolled her eyes, “I give you an inch …”

     “An inch? I think you could do at least … five? We can get a colorful one,” Ashlyn said, waggling her eyebrows.

     “Seriously? Do you only think about sex?”

     “Can you blame me? It’s like trying ecstasy for the first time. I’m hooked and I’m chasing that first high.”

     Ali tried to fight it, but there was an endearing sweetness to Ashlyn’s hopeful smile. Sensing Ali giving in, she snuggled into her, their bodies pressing together as much as they could considering their two heavy snow jackets. “Ever since I met you, even that maddening first day … I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. No bullshit!” She cut off Ali’s ‘give me a break’ look. “You drove me crazy but I was drawn to you. And then at the show – I was so excited to see you there and I know you remember me blowing that kiss at you.”

     Ali grinned despite herself and Ashlyn nodded. “See, yep, you do. And then there was my birthday, when you showed up! Of all the days! And I found out you were single and I was so jealous that Ricky was flirting with you. I could’ve killed him.”

     “Remember when I told you the macho thing doesn’t turn me on?” Ali asked, but Ashlyn covered her lips with a finger.

     “And then the art show – talking to you and getting to know you. It was the shortest day of my life because I just wanted to be with you. And then the next day? With the mall? Oh God,” she said, leaning her head back with remembered joy. “Yes, I was magnetized to you as a person but fuck, you were just so … I wanted to do everything with you right then and there. I would’ve begged if I thought I had a chance.”

     “You _did_ have a chance,” Ali said, bashfully smiling. “I was so nervous but you just looked so good.”

     “And the party. And I felt so awful making you mad and I never wanted to do it again. Walking back with you in the cold was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Until we got to my room and tried to sleep. And then that was the best until we went to the bathroom together.” Ashlyn brushed away the strands of hair blowing around her face in the wind. “And waking up with you this morning. It was just –“

     Ashlyn bit her lip, finally realizing what all she was saying. Her face starting turning a deep red, but Ali jostled her. “It was just what?”

     “It just feels right,” Ashlyn mumbled, nearly too soft for Ali to hear over the wind. “This feels right.”

     The weight of everything Ali had been holding back in the last month came swooping down, bringing a deep warmth into her bones and in her veins, settling in her stomach. She felt the same way, she just didn’t know how to say it. Suddenly, it wasn’t as important. She knew, by the way Ashlyn’s eyes were intently searching hers, that Ashlyn knew it as well.

     On Ali’s small nod, Ashlyn pressed another soft, tender kiss to her mouth. They stayed that way for as long as they could, holding each other on the top of that mountain, fighting the cold and the wind, neither of them looking in the distance to see if they could see Wyoming, content instead with just looking at each other.

* * *

     Night was beginning to fall as Ashlyn made the turn onto the street where the Pi Beta Phi house was, singing loudly and off key to a Celine Dion song. Ali chimed in at the chorus and they were belting it together, barely able to get through the words as they laughed.

     “American Idol, here we come,” Ashlyn said, turning down the volume.

     “Not likely,” Ali said, wiping her eyes. “Kyle used to tell me as a kid that if I sang out loud, all of the dogs would come and everyone would know I was a terrible singer.”

     “That’s so mean!” Ashlyn said, but Ali just laughed.

     “And probably true. Hey, stop here, will you?”

     Ashlyn slowed to a stop, roughly two blocks away from the front door. “What’s up?”

     Ali was quiet, chewing on her lip. “I had a great day with you today. I don’t even want it to end.”

     “It doesn’t have to,” Ashlyn said with a smile. “We can get more clothes for you and you can come back with me again.”

     Ali wrinkled her nose. “I don’t know if we’re at continual sleepovers yet.”

     “Fair enough,” Ashlyn said. “But you look like you have something else on your mind.”

     Ali took a deep breath, pausing. “I don’t want this to come out the wrong way … I’m not sure if I’m … It’s just that, I don’t know if I …”

     “You’re not out, are you?” Ashlyn asked, but it came out more as a statement.

     Ali softly shook her head. “It’s not that I don’t _want_ to be. Well, I guess you could say that I don’t want to be out yet—“

     It felt like a rock dropped into Ashlyn’s heart, splashing all of the warm happy feelings from earlier out of the way and filling her body with dread. She’d been here before, it felt too familiar. It was too soon, didn’t they have time to be happy first? Was it going to end so quickly? She hadn’t even had time yet to fall in love with her and really fuck herself over.

     “You look like someone just ran over your dog,” Ali said, reaching over to touch Ashlyn’s arm and pulling away when she flinched.

     “No. It’s cool. It’s fine. I get it.” Ashlyn put on her best steely resolve, her mouth set.

     “Ashlyn, wait,” Ali started.

     “No, I know how this goes. It’s fine. Just wish you would’ve shared this with me before,” Ashlyn spit, looking out her window, wishing the fog from the heater would allow her something to look at. She felt trapped, contained in the too small cab of her too crappy truck, watching her hopes and dreams crash on the rocks.

     “ _Ashlyn_ ,” Ali said, reaching again to take her arm. “Will you stop being so dramatic and listen to me?”

     Ashlyn turned, getting angrier at the fact that her first reactions were angry tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. “What Ali?”

     Ali’s expression continued to soften, “I don’t want to be out yet, that’s true. But it’s not the same as not wanting to be with you.”

     “It’s not?” Ashlyn asked, trying to fight the small sliver of hope that blossomed in her chest.

     “No,” Ali said, shaking her head. “It just means I want to take this slowly,” she said and then cracked a smile. “Well, slowly in terms of how open we are socially. Physically I’m rather happy with the pace at which we’re going.”

     Ashlyn fought the grin coming, but it was no use. “See, you’re into my bod too.”

     “Absolutely,” Ali said, relief in her voice. “I mean, do you blame me? Look at you.”

     Ashlyn pretended to preen, brushing back her hair. “I’m no Princess though,” she said, unbuckling her seatbelt and sliding towards Ali.

     Ali received her open armed hug, kissing her cheek. “You may not be a princess, but you’re definitely a diva.”

     “Shut up,” Ashlyn murmured, lips against her neck.

* * *

     When they came to a stop in front of the sorority house a few minutes later, Ali was still clung onto the side of Ashlyn’s neck, kissing into her hairline. Ashlyn did her best to park properly, a moan deep in her chest as Ali’s tongue traced the shell of her ear. “I thought you didn’t want to be so obvious,” she breathed, gasping when Ali nipped at her earlobe. “We’re right in front of your house.”

     “It’s late. No one can see us,” Ali whispered, snaking her hand underneath Ashlyn’s t-shirt.

     “Uhh, those people can,” Ashlyn said, pulling on Ali’s hand and pointing out the window.

     Ali turned to look, and was grateful that Ashlyn couldn’t watch her expression change along with all of the color draining from her face. “Fuck. _Fuck_. It’s Tuesday.”

     “Yes,” Ashlyn said, confused.

     “November first,” Ali said, scrambling to collect her things.

     “Yes?” Ashlyn said again. “Ali, what’s wrong?”

     “Those are my fucking parents.” She flung the door open, stumbling out of the cab and onto the sidewalk, crossing over to the couple who were waiting at the bottom of the porch.

     Ashlyn did her best to clamber after her, and unfortunately she was in plain view as she adjusted her t-shirt back down and her pants back up, clearly out of breath. Ali also wished their hair didn’t look so mussed.

     “Hi, Alexandra,” the older woman said, any note of greeting far removed.

     “Hi Mom,” Ali timidly replied, coming short in front of her.

     “Nice of you to finally join us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats to everyone finishing tests and finals!


	10. keep your head up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn meets the parents.

     “Nice of you to finally join us,” Ashlyn heard the older woman say as she approached the three of them standing at the porch, hastily straightening out her clothes.

     “I’m so sorry,” Ali gushed, awkwardly reaching forward and wrapping her arms around her mom. She moved to the man standing there, who had yet to say a word.

     “I tried calling,” her mom said, voice still deadly even.

     Ashlyn stood self-consciously to the side, clasping her hands in front of her, racking her brain to find something, anything to say. Ali’s mom eyed her briefly, a quick look from head to toe and Ashlyn felt as though she was being gauged for … something. _Worthiness?_ she asked herself and wished she hadn’t had the thought.

     Ali patted the pocket of the jeans she was wearing, and pulled out her dead Blackberry. “Ugh, I forgot. I didn’t have my phone charger. It died last night. I was at –” Ali motioned behind to where Ashlyn stood, not looking. “I mean, I couldn’t find something to use. I completely forgot about today.”

     “Clearly,” the man finally spoke, gravelly voice as even as the woman’s. He, too, regarded Ashlyn once, and she only had the time to change her face into one of respectful greeting. “We’ve been waiting for quite a while, Alex. We were worried about you when we couldn’t reach you.”

Ali grimaced, twisting her fingers together. “I’m just – I’m so—"

     “Sorry. Yes, we heard,” the woman said, cutting her off. She sighed once, and amid her awkward worrying, Ashlyn was amused to find out that Ali’s dramatic sigh seemed to run in the family.

     Ali took a deep steadying breath. “Do you want to go inside? It’s chilly out.”

     “Alright,” her mom said, but stopped short as Ashlyn began to move. She took a quick look at Ali before extending her hand. “Hello. My daughter seems to have forgotten _all_ her manners today. I’m Deb, Alex’s mother. This is her father, Ken.”

     Ashlyn graciously took her hand, and then Ken’s as it was extended. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you both. I’m Ashlyn, Ali – err, Alex’s – friend.” The last word came out as awkwardly as Ali’s nickname and Deb’s eyebrow raised in amusement. Ashlyn tried her best to fight the blush rising on her cheeks as Ali ran a hand down her face.

     “Sorry, this is Ashlyn,” she said and her mother laughed shortly.

     “So I've been told. It’s nice to meet you too, Ashlyn. I’m sure I will hear all about you as soon as Alex decides to charge her cell phone.” Deb turned and walked up the stairs, heading towards the front door, with Ken in tow.

     Ali looked over at Ashlyn, mouthing a sheepish _I’m so sorry_. Ashlyn just shook her head and then turned towards Ali’s parents and back, her head tilted in question. “Should I … go?”

     As her parents went inside, the two of them started their way up the steps, Ali working out a decision. With her hand on the doorknob, she turned to Ashlyn. “Please, stay. I’m not … I don’t want you to go yet. I’m sure they won’t be here much longer.” She grimaced, “I was supposed to have lunch with them today between my classes. They live in Virginia but flew in to spend a week in Aspen and we had plans to get together before they drove up there.”

     Ashlyn nodded slowly, “Ahh. And you forgot.”

     “So it would seem,” Ali said, closing her eyes. “It didn’t even cross my mind this morning. When I left your room, I didn’t stop thinking about you for a second because I wanted to stay with you so badly.”

     Ashlyn grinned softly, “Really?”

     “Yeah,” Ali said, smiling back for a moment, but then it clouded over. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to have been the right decision to make.” She jerked her head towards the house. “Come on, I can’t keep them waiting any longer.”

     Before crossing the threshold, Ashlyn tried her best to steady her nerves despite knowing it was a lost cause.

* * *

     “Can I get you guys something to drink?” Ali asked, hanging Alyssa’s borrowed jacket on the coatrack in the hallway leading into the living room where her parents were sitting down on the couch. As she entered to take their coats, Deb shook her head.

     “No, thank you. We won’t stay long. We have a few hours’ drive, but we wanted to make sure you were okay before we left. We’d been talking with Christen, giving her a message to relay and we were leaving when you showed up.” When Ali ducked her head again, preparing another apology, Deb cut her off. “It’s fine, Alex. I’m just happy to know you’re okay. A mother worries when their normally punctual child is nowhere to be found.”

     Ali sat down in the large armchair close to the fireplace. “I thought I would have time to charge my phone today. Remember that Halloween party I told you we were having? That was last night.”

     “Did you forget to check it after the party?” Ken asked, eyeing Ashlyn where she stood at the edge of the room, looking down at her shoes.

     “Err, I forgot, yes,” Ali stammered, trying to keep herself from looking over at the blonde. “I got in late and I went to bed.”

     Ali knew that neither of her parents were buying any of it, and even though her face looked impassive, she could see her mother’s hidden, dark bemusement. “You didn’t have your phone at all today? I find that hard to believe.”

     "I go without it sometimes, Mom,” Ali said, but she couldn’t meet her eyes.

     “Ashlyn,” her mother started, turning her body to look at her, “were you at this party last night?”

     “Yes ma’am,” Ashlyn said.

     “And do you have a cell phone?” Deb asked, and Ali sighed.

     “Mom, please.”

     “I just asked her a question, Alexandra. Don’t be rude.”

     Ashlyn nodded. “Yes ma’am.”

     Deb turned back to Ali, eyebrow raised. “You could’ve used your _friend’s_ phone. I’m sure she wouldn’t have minded, seeing as it appears she also let you borrow some clothing.”

     Ali inhaled sharply, looking up at Ashlyn who was turning a steady, deep red. “Mom, stop.”

     “Am I wrong?” Deb asked, a steely resolve in her eye.

     The two of them stared each other down, Ali wishing all the while that she had told Ashlyn to go when she had the chance. “Please, stop.”

     The room went silent, and Ali looked up at Ashlyn. “Do you mind going up to my room? I’m the third door on the left. There’s a nameplate if you get lost.”

     Ashlyn barely had time to nod, turning on her heel and making her way up the staircase. Ali was about to address her parents when she heard Ashlyn’s voice. “It was nice to meet you,” she said, looking at both Deb and Ken directly. “I’m sorry for what happened today, but please, it was my fault. Don’t be mad at her.”

     “It’s okay,” Ali said, kindly smiling at her. “I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

     Ali waited until she heard Ashlyn’s footsteps get further away, and then a door open and close. Then, she turned to face her mother who was still giving her the same clear look.

     “That was uncalled for, Mom.”

     Deb shrugged one shoulder. “I didn’t say anything impolite, Alex,” she said. “I simply made an observation. You’re the one who sent her from the room.”

     “Because you were being rude!” Ali hissed.

     “Please, enlighten me. What did I say that was so terrible?”

     Ali huffed, crossing her arms. “It’s because she’s a woman, isn’t it?”

     “Don’t be ridiculous, Alexandra,” Deb said.

     “No, it is. You didn’t like it when I dated Lauren and now you’re throwing a fit because you saw me with Ashlyn and you assumed something.”

     “I don’t think it’s much of an assumption considering the first time I laid eyes on her, you were practically sitting in her lap and undressing her.”

     Ali turned pink, a combination of embarrassment and anger. “Admit it,” she said quietly, “you don’t want me to be with a woman again.”

     “Don’t you _dare_ ,” Deb said, and her voice made Ali feel like she was a child again. “Don’t you dare sit there and say that. We have been nothing but supportive to your brother and we support you as well. We have _never_ been those kinds of parents and you damn well know it.”

     In the silence that followed, Ali paused. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I know that’s not … I know that you’ve never ... I apologize for saying that.” A few moments passed as she carefully considered her words. “Still, you weren’t being friendly.”

     Deb looked at her daughter, allowing her anger to fade. “This is unlike you, Alex.”

     “I’m sorry,” Ali replied, “but it was just an afternoon. I’ve never done this before.”

     “That’s exactly my point,” Deb said, leaning towards Ali. “I’ve never once worried about you the way I did today.”

     “I assume you spent the day with Ashlyn?” her mom asked and Ali nodded. “I also assume that you skipped your classes? That you went home with her last night?”

     “ _Mom_ ,” Ali admonished, her face still pink.

     Her mother just nodded, sitting back against the couch and exchanging a look with Ken. For his part, Ali’s father allowed them to interact, reserving his judgement. Ali twisted her hands in her lap, wishing she had something to say other than confirm everything her mother was thinking.

     She wished she had remembered their plans, that she’d been able to do this properly; she pictured introducing Ashlyn to both of her parents with poise and respect. All she kept thinking about, however, was the sound of Ashlyn’s zipper, seemingly as loud as a siren as they walked up to Deb and Ken.

     Ali wished she had something else to feel but anger and embarrassment; anger that her parents seemed to think that a lapsed memory from a single afternoon somehow changed the fabric of who she was, of who she’d been for 21 years. She hated feeling as though she’d been “caught”; as though she was a teenager, living under their roof and subject to their approval in regards to whom she spent her time with.

     “It was just one afternoon,” Ali repeated quietly. “I’m still me, Mom.”

     “That’s how these things always start, Alex. There’s one day where you forget your plans and you blow off your responsibilities – “

     “I didn’t blow anything off,” Ali said, rolling her eyes but her mother held up a hand to stop her.

     “You blow off your responsibilities and then it becomes twice. Then three times – “

     “Is this a lesson in counting?”

     “ _Alexandra_ ,” Ken chided, and Ali went silent.

     “I’m just trying to remind you that you have goals,” Deb said, sighing. “You have plans for a future and I don’t know if you should be with someone who doesn’t understand that.”

     “You don’t know what Ashlyn does or doesn’t understand about me, Mom. You don’t know her.”

     “In all fairness, it’s not like you’ve given us a chance to know her. How long have you two been dating?”

     Ali bit her lip, unsure of what to say. Off her silence, Deb nodded sagely. “I take it this is recent, then?”

     Ali nodded, “We’ve known each other for a while, though. It’s not … It didn’t _just_ happen.”

     “So you didn’t just fall into bed together?”

     “ _Mom_ ,” Ali said, anger quickly flaring. “Please stop acting like you’re allowed to just come in here and talk to me like I’m some sort of child.”

     “Perhaps I will once you stop acting like a child, Alex.”

     Ali opened her mouth to refute when she heard a voice float down from upstairs. “Hey Ashlyn! When did you --- Oh.” Christen’s voice was unmistakable, as was the hushed “ _Shh!_ ” Ali closed her eyes, wondering how much of their conversation could have been heard from the second-floor landing. When she opened her eyes, Deb and Ken seemed to have come to an unspoken agreement. They stood, Ali following suit.

     There was a charged silence as Ali looked at her parents and they back to her. It was Deb who spoke first, reaching forward to pull Ali into a hug. “I’m sorry, Alex. Maybe it’s best that we pick this conversation up later.”

     Ali returned the hug, her frustration fading as she buried her face into her mother’s neck, breathing in the familiar scent. She’d forgotten how long it had been since she’d seen her parents, forgotten how much she’d looked forward to spending time with them again. Her head swam with Deb’s words, mixed in with her thoughts of Ashlyn, of their argument in the car. She wanted to rewind; go back to that morning and make the right choice. If only she could figure out what that “right choice” should have been.

     “I’m sorry too, Mom, for worrying you and for not being here. I’ll call you okay? We’ll talk before you guys fly back home,” Ali said, voice muffled into her mother’s coat.

     Ken reached for her next, pulling her close. “We love you, you know,” he said, kissing her cheek.

     “I know,” Ali whispered, hugging him back.

     Deb and Ken crossed the living room into the hallway, pausing at the bottom of the stairs. “Goodbye Ashlyn,” Deb said.

     There was a few moment’s pause and then quietly, if not timidly, “Goodbye.”

     “Drive safe,” Ali said, moving ahead of them to open the front door. “Call me tomorrow?”

     Deb smiled, kissing Ali’s cheek. “I will.” She looked towards the ceiling, and then back down. “I would like to hear the full story.”

     Ali nodded, smiling back. “I’ll tell you everything.”

     Deb reached and touched the hem of Ali’s borrowed t-shirt, raising an eyebrow. “Maybe not everything, okay?”

     Ali just rolled her eyes. “Bye Mom.”

* * *

     Ashlyn strained to hear the conversation going on below, huddled at the top of the staircase. She knew that she should’ve gone into Ali’s room as requested, but she was just so anxious to hear what was going on, to try to somehow defend Ali.

     She had made the decision as she’d opened the door, her hand never leaving the doorknob. She closed it again, making sure to hear voices before creeping back across to where she could best eavesdrop. She sat down on the top step silently, leaning her head down to hear their muted words.

     “It’s because she’s a woman, isn’t it?”

     Ashlyn immediately wished that she could move, so that she couldn’t hear words she feared come from Ali’s mother. Instead, as she dared to sit there, she heard differently. Deb passionately argued with Ali, seemingly unaffected by the gender of those her children dated. Ashlyn breathed easier, but only for a scant moment.

     “You went home with her last night?”

     Ashlyn winced, imagining the look on Ali’s face as she tried to answer Deb’s question. If only she knew their conversation about fifteen minutes before, if only she knew the time it had taken for them to get to where they were. She wanted to run downstairs; to explain to Ali’s parents how they met, how they’d become friends and then more. She wanted them to understand that it wasn’t just about _that_.

     “I don’t know if you should be with someone who doesn’t understand that.”

     She immediately felt sick to her stomach. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen; she was normally so great when meeting the parents. She knew how to talk and how to charm. She knew not to appear fake, to offer up the right things to be genuine and gain trust. It was even worse now, knowing how she already felt about Ali and how important it was to lay proper groundwork for a relationship.

     It already felt like it was careening out of Ashlyn’s control. It had barely been a day and the two of them had encountered a key disagreement on being openly together and now it was fair to say that meeting the parents had gone catastrophically. If she had any chance of making whatever this was with Ali real, it was shrinking by the minute.

     Ashlyn heard Deb admonish Ali for acting like a child and right as she leaned down to listen closely for Ali’s rebuttal, a door behind her opened.

     “Hey Ashlyn!” Christen said, clutching a toothbrush and toothpaste. “When did you --- Oh.”

     “Shh!”, Ashlyn hissed, waving her arms frantically and trying to silence her but it was too late. She winced, ears straining again to listen.

     “Sorry!” Christen whispered, looking confused but backing away slowly towards the bathroom at the end of the hall. Ashlyn just gave her thumbs up, listening below to the muffled conversation. It sounded as though they were moving, but she couldn’t figure out why.

     “Goodbye Ashlyn.” It was unmistakably Deb’s voice, and Ashlyn froze. Too many seconds went by before she could echo a reticent, “Goodbye.”

     Groaning, Ashlyn stood and walked down the hallway, opening the door that had two name plaques: “Ali” and “Julia”. She peeked her head in, and sighed in relief when she saw that the room was empty. Closing the door behind her, she stood in the middle of the room but it didn’t take long to figure out which side was Ali’s.

     Even considering the room was clearly occupied by two members of a soccer team, the Michael Kors bag on the nightstand was more of a giveaway. Once Ashlyn looked closer, she could see other little facets of Ali’s personality all over her side. The full-sized bed on the other side was clearly decked in a “back to school” comforter pack with funky colors and designs, but Ali’s side was a combination of steel grey and a muted yellow, more contemporary and “adult”.

     On her desk, there were framed pictures: Ali and her parents, Ali and a handsome man with an eerily similar wide smile, who she assumed was Kyle, and Ali and her soccer team. There were plaques from the UC Boulder women’s soccer team, as well as a stack of textbooks on marketing and advertising.

     Ashlyn trailed her fingers along the pristine desk, organized and clean. As she relaxed, she realized that the room smelled predominantly of Ali and wondered if the roommates shared the same perfume. She breathed in deeply, walking to sink down at the foot of Ali’s bed, waiting for whatever was to come.

     It didn’t take long; Ali walked in less than two minutes later, face contorted in a grimace. “So how much did you hear?”

     “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ashlyn said innocently. She kept it up as long as she could, eventually breaking into a grin.

     Ali smiled back reluctantly, groaning and crossing over to sit next to her on the bed. “Did that really just happen?” she asked, putting her face in her hands.

     Ashlyn rubbed a palm over her back, consoling her. “Yeah,” she murmured, “it did. They left?”

     Ali nodded, lifting her head to lean it on Ashlyn’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.” She looked up at her, kissing her jawline softly.

     “I’m sorry you had to go through it,” Ashlyn said, returning a kiss to her temple. “I wish I had something better to say. I feel like such an idiot.” She covered her eyes with her palms, pressing the heels of her hand into her face. “Fuck,” she said, falling backwards onto the bed.

     “Hey,” Ali cooed, leaning down next to her. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

     “Of course I did!” Ashlyn said, eyes still covered. “I’m sitting there pulling my damn clothes back on, looking like we just … and I couldn’t even say a word! I just stood there looking so stupid. They must’ve thought I was such a fucking idiot.”

     Ali gently pulled Ashlyn’s hands away, meeting resistance. “Ashlyn, come on.”

     She relented, looking up into Ali’s eyes. “That wasn’t how that was supposed to happen,” she said in a small voice.

     Ali shook her head wryly. “I don’t think a lot of this was supposed to happen.” On the look she got from Ashlyn, “Well, it didn’t happen the way it should have.”

     Ashlyn furrowed her brow. “That doesn’t sound comforting.”

     The clock on the wall was the only sound; Ali chewed the edge of her lip, trying to organize the words. Ashlyn just watched her, an uneasiness in the pit of her stomach. From the hallway, Christen left the bathroom, padded footsteps on the carpet approaching and receding as she went to her room. In the silence, the two of them prepared. Finally, Ali turned back to Ashlyn, smoothing a strand of hair from her face.

     “I want to be here with you. I don’t regret a minute of what’s happened since I met you, and yes, that includes you pulling up your pants while meeting my parents,” Ali nodded, smirking down at Ashlyn as she shook her head. “I didn’t tell you this earlier, but I’ve been just as hooked on you since day one for some unknown reason.”

     Ashlyn managed a small smile. “Yeah?”

     “Mhmm. I totally wanted to smack you but I think I also just wanted to know you. It felt like I was supposed to know you,” Ali murmured, running her fingers through Ashlyn’s hair. “I didn’t stop thinking about you either. Of course, I didn’t pretend that I just wanted to be _friends_ ,” she said, and Ashlyn covered her face.

     “I was trying to be nice!” she said, reaching up and taking Ali’s hand in her own. “I would’ve been your best friend ever without ever getting to see you naked as long as it meant I could be around you.”

     “I should’ve just kissed you backstage,” Ali said with a grin.

     “I probably would’ve fainted.”

     “Again?”

     “That wasn’t a faint! I tripped!”

     “That’s not any better.”

     “Touché.”

     They fell silent again, and Ali laid down next to Ashlyn, nuzzling into her side. Downstairs, the sound of more of the other girls coming home echoed up to them, and Ali wondered how long they would have until they were joined by her roommate. Ashlyn sat up on her elbow, turning on her side to face Ali.

     “Your parents seem nice,” she said and Ali rolled her eyes. “No, really! They really care about you.”

     “I know,” Ali said, rubbing her eyes. “I just wish they wouldn’t always expect me to be perfect.”

     “You don’t give people a chance to expect any differently,” Ashlyn said, shrugging. “You’re always on top of things. You’ve always got the right answer. Of course we’re always going to think you’re perfect.”

     Ali just shook her head, “But why is it just _my_ fault when I don’t meet those high expectations? I’m hard enough on me when I feel like I’ve fallen below what I expect. It’s that much harder when everyone else piles on.”

     “Didn’t think of that,” Ashlyn said, scratching her head. “That seems pretty shitty.”

     Ali nodded, interrupted when she heard Julia’s laugh downstairs. She sighed, sitting up fully on the edge of the bed.

     “Alright Cinderella, is it time for the coach to turn back into a pumpkin?” Ashlyn asked, sitting up next to her.

     Ali grinned. “Unfortunately. Does that mean you’re the horse, the mouse, or the dog?”

     “What? I can’t be Prince Charming?” Ashlyn asked, affronted.

     “No way. He was an idiot. He danced with a girl all night long, sober I assume, and he could only find her by her foot. You’re definitely better than him,” Ali said, standing and holding a hand out so Ashlyn could take it.

     “But Charming got the girl,” Ashlyn pouted.

     “I don’t think you need to worry about that,” Ali said, giving her a kiss.

     Her hand was on the door, but Ashlyn pulled her back, wrapping her arms around her waist and tugging her near. They kissed deeply but earnestly, both trying to rewind to the parts of the day that had been uncomplicated and solely theirs. At least, that was the plan until Ashlyn moved Ali forward, pinning her against her bedroom door. As she tugged on her bottom lip, Ali moaned and then pressed both hands to Ashlyn’s chest.

     “No,” she said, closing her mouth tightly.

     Ashlyn whined deep in her throat, trying to kiss Ali again but the brunette just shook her head. “Roommate will be up here any second. I don’t want another peep show to happen.”

     “Different audience this time! Us young folk are into that kind of stuff nowadays,” Ashlyn said, kissing right below Ali’s ear.

     Despite a giggle, Ali shook her head again. “Until next time.”

     Ashlyn gave in, “ _Fine_.” She turned to open the door, sighing dramatically, “You’re already acting like a prim and proper old lady. Time’s moving too fast. Today, we’re young but before you know it, we’re gonna be too old to get frisky.”

     As the door opened, Ali pressed her chest into Ashlyn’s back, sliding her hand down her stomach and teasing around the top of her jeans. Ashlyn stopped in her tracks, turning her head back towards Ali who started tugging on her earlobe with her teeth. The blonde stood motionless as Ali ran the tip of her tongue along her ear, and then began kissing along the sensitive skin on the nape of her neck.

     She grinned when she felt goosebumps erupt on Ashlyn’s skin, leaning close to her ear and whispering, “We’re never getting older.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, but necessary.
> 
> Also, I don't know much about AK's real parents and it seemed weird to try and get really realistic so just go with it.


	11. you are sky & i am sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes and Ali and Ashlyn navigate the start of a relationship.

     “Ow!” Ashlyn said. “Okay, that’s the third time you’ve kneed me in the head. I think I get the hint.”

     “Aww, I’m sorry,” Ali said, tugging on the collar of Ashlyn’s shirt until the blonde climbed up to lay next to her. “I thought I heard— “

     “Yeah, I know,” Ashlyn grumbled, brushing the hair from her face. “But I told you, both Lys and Nicole said they were going out tonight. You can stop worrying that one of them is gonna bust in any minute.”

     Ali chewed on her lip, considering. “But what if they decide to come back early?”

     Ashlyn tried to hide her frustrated sigh. “It’s a Friday night, Al. Most likely, Nicole will end up staying at her boyfriend’s place.”

     “It’s like she doesn’t even live here. I think I’ve met her twice,” Ali remarked, twining their hands together. “Doesn’t that bother you?”

     “No way,” Ashlyn scoffed. “I pay a discounted rate for having two roommates instead of just one and basically it’s like a double anyway. Nicole stops by often enough to bring new snacks and grab new clothes. Plus, I don’t have to deal with worrying about walking in on her and her boyfriend.”

     “Oh, you mean like what Alyssa has to worry about?”

     “What!” Ashlyn exclaimed, turning to Ali. “Currently she doesn’t have _anything_ to worry about except for catching your best wrestler impression as you try to take me out with some crazy WWE move.”

     Ali just rolled her eyes, refusing to meet Ashlyn’s gaze. “Sure it’s Friday, but there’s also a snowstorm rolling in. Ten bucks says Alyssa is back here by 11.”

     “Then we better hurry,” Ashlyn murmured, leaning over to kiss Ali’s jaw.

     When Ashlyn leaned in for another kiss, Ali stopped her with a finger to her lips. “What?” Ashlyn asked.

     Ali was quiet, brow furrowed and lips pursed. Ashlyn leaned back onto her small side of the tiny bed, growing wary. “Al?” she prompted.

     A small exhale. “I was just thinking … You don’t have to worry about walking in on Nicole and her boyfriend but Alyssa probably worries about walking in on us?”

     Ashlyn shrugged. “Honestly I don’t think she’s even put two and two together. It’s not like she’s seen anything to make her worry.”

     Ali rolled her eyes. “Except for the fact that she’s woken up to us practically on top of each other in your bed at least four times now.”

     “It’s a twin bed,” Ashlyn explained. “It’s not cuddling if it’s out of necessity.”

     “The first time she met me, she saw me in my underwear.”

     “You know, that seems to be a pattern with us.”

     “Shut up.”

     Ashlyn grinned, taking Ali’s hand and pressing a kiss to her knuckle. “What are you getting at Princess?”

     Ali went quiet again, chewing on the corner of her lip. When Ashlyn looked at her in thorough annoyance, she exhaled in a huff. “What are we?”

     Not expecting the question, it took Ashlyn a moment to register what Ali said and then formulate a response. In her silence, Ali’s face grew concerned. “Wow, I wish I hadn’t asked.”

     “No!” Ashlyn said suddenly, shaking her head. “I just – I didn’t think – I didn’t know that we— “

     “You think it’s too early,” Ali said, her eyes going wide and a blush rising on her cheeks. “Oh God, I’m that girl. I’m U-Hauling. I’m ordering the fucking U-Haul and you’re on the casual train.”

     “Why do we have to be a mode of transportation?”

     “ _Ashlyn_.”

     “Sorry,” Ashlyn said, reaching over to take hold of Ali’s shoulders and her attention. “Hey, look at me.”

     Out of the corner of her eye, Ali regarded the blonde, still blushing and worrying her lip. “I’m sorry. I feel dumb. I mean, it’s only been what? Two weeks since Halloween?”

     “Eleven days,” Ashlyn said with a grin, and then looked past her to check the clock. “Eleven days, twenty-ish hours and like, I don’t know, thirteen minutes? It depends. What are we counting as the go line? The kiss? Or the dancing?”

     Ali smiled, relaxing a bit. Wishing to keep her that way, Ashlyn continued. “Unless you want to count back to when mutual flirting started because that was _probably_ when I brought you your wallet that morning. Or when I first wanted to see you naked because that was maybe 3 minutes after meeting you.”

     “Ugh,” Ali said, rolling her eyes. “Always about the nakedness with you.” But she had turned to face Ashlyn, allowing their hands to connect. She took a deep breath, exhaling fully before being able to look her in the eye. “I know it’s early …”

     “Says who?” Ashlyn challenged, shrugging a shoulder. “If we’re ready to put a label on it, then we’re ready.”

     “Are we ready?” Ali asked, looking up from under her lashes.

     Ashlyn pretended to ponder, reaching up to scratch her head. “Well, I don’t know. It depends on what I’m getting out of it.”

     “Nakedness, if you’re lucky,” Ali said, playfully shoving her.

     “Oh, I’m totally in then,” Ashlyn replied, leaning forward to kiss her.

     Ali nuzzled their noses together. “So are you gonna ask me?”

     “Who says I have to do the asking? Why don’t you want to ask me?” Ashlyn asked in consternation, raising her fingers in the air. “Just because I ‘wear the pants’?”

     Ali cocked her eyebrow, leaning back to look at Ashlyn’s discarded jeans on the floor. “Technically you’re not wearing any pants.”

     “Ha ha,” Ashlyn said, rolling her eyes. Then she smiled, sitting up straight and pompously clearing her throat. “Miss Krieger,” she started.

     “Yes, Miss Harris?” Ali asked, beaming.

     “Dearest, loveliest, Princess-iest Miss Krieger, would you please do me the honor of being my girlfriend?” Ashlyn asked, doing her best to go into a bow.

     “I’d be honored,” Ali replied, grinning with her tongue between her teeth.

     Ashlyn paused in her bow for a moment after Ali’s agreement, but then erupted, pumping her fist in the air and shouting, “Yesssssss!” Ali looked on, shaking her head but was interrupted when Ashlyn quickly kissed her cheek. “I’m the luckiest girl in the world,” she said earnestly, pressing their foreheads together.

     Smitten, Ali leaned back, pulling Ashlyn down on top of her. There was a quick graduation from a sweet kiss to a more intense embrace, both shifting underneath the blankets until they were laying flush against each other, bodies moving in rhythm with their lips. The seconds ticked by, then minutes; midway through, Ali rolled them over as deftly as she could, only just keeping them on the narrow twin mattress. Unfazed, Ashlyn used her new position to wrap her legs around Ali’s waist, canting her hips up for any friction she could gain.

     “You really think she’ll be home by 11?” Ashlyn asked breathlessly, and when she pulled away, Ali’s lips immediately moved down to nip the sensitive skin of her neck.

     “Mmm,” Ali murmured, grinning against Ashlyn’s collarbone when she heard a sharp intake of breath. “Probably. It’s supposed to get really heavy really quickly; our first blizzard of the season.”

     “Aw, maybe we’ll have a snow day!” Ashlyn said, brightening in excitement and forgetting about Ali’s progression down her stomach. The brunette looked up at her with a raised eyebrow, looking down at Ashlyn’s shirt that she’d started to raise and then back up at her face.

     "Oh, sorry,” Ashlyn said, relaxing back into the mattress. “Continue, please.”

* * *

     Ali leaned back in her chair, nearly tilting it onto two legs. She allowed her head to fall back, her long hair swaying and she entertained herself by trying to read as many of the decorative signs as possible from upside down, only straightening up when she started to get light-headed. She checked her watch again and was annoyed to see that only two minutes had passed since the last time.

     She looked over to the bar, trying to catch Ashlyn’s eye. The blonde was still moving like mad, dashing between the six customers taking up barstools; she had an elegant flow, filling up multiple pint glasses at a time while also taking new orders and taking care of final tabs. After a few seconds, she seemed to sense Ali’s impatience and met her gaze.

 _Sorry!_ She mouthed, clear as day from halfway across the room at Billy’s. Ali just smiled, even though she had calculated exactly how much time they were going to need to get to the theater, and Ashlyn’s shift was causing her dreams of popcorn and a white cherry ICEE to fade into oblivion.

     Sighing, Ali put her chair back down, busying herself once more with her German Lit homework. The class had seemed a worthwhile choice for elective during registration week the previous semester, but the latest reading qualified as a tome and had the uncanny ability to send Ali into a deep sleep every time she cracked the spine.

     Sure enough, on her fourth page, Ali jolted when she felt her elbow slip from under her, chin falling from its resting place on the heel of her hand. _If I get through this, it’ll be a miracle_ , she thought, closing the book and tucking it away into her backpack. As she stretched, she checked again for Ashlyn, figuring that maybe it was time to insist that they head out, but the blonde was nowhere to be found. Her head began to scan the room, and she was startled when she felt someone grab onto her shoulders from behind.

     “Wake up!” Ashlyn exclaimed, jostling her for good measure.

     “Ugh, you have no idea,” Ali grumbled, standing and donning her book bag. “I’m still trying to get through that reading I have for Mueller’s class and _someone_ has kept me waiting for an extra fifteen minutes.”

     “I’m sorry,” Ashlyn said, leading the way out into the parking lot. “Regan was supposed to show for the 6 o’clock shift but she’s running late. I didn’t want to leave Billy empty handed.”

     “Cause you’re nice,” Ali grinned, bumping their shoulders together.

     As they walked along, instinctively, Ashlyn reached down to grab Ali’s hand but the brunette casually slipped away, waving her finger. “No ma’am, not till we’re in the car.”

     Ashlyn groaned, shoving her hands in her coat pockets. “When is this whole ‘secret’ thing going to be up for debate again?”

     “It’s not a secret,” Ali said, partially annoyed. “It’s just … discreet. For now.”

     “I’m not asking to bang you in public, Ali. I just want to hold your hand.”

     Ali stopped, a frown on her face. “Ashlyn,” she started, looking at Ashlyn solemnly, “We’ve talked about this …”

     Ashlyn came to a stop a few steps ahead of Ali, eyes closed. She deliberated internally; she felt caught between making a stand on what she wanted versus what Ali wanted, trying to shut out the sneaking thoughts that whispered in her ear _she wants to be able to cut and run, she wants to hide you_.

     The late November air whipped around them as night began to fall, the last rays of sun just visible over the tops of the distant mountains. She thought of their adventure to Rocky Mountain Park, knowing how Ali had dropped everything just to stay with her, unwilling to part so quickly after their first night together. Surely that counted for something?

            Ali waited patiently, huddled in her thick North Face coat, watching the expressions on Ashlyn’s face change and soften. She was caught in the vice of impasse, knowing in her heart that she wasn’t ready to be as out and open as she knew her girlfriend wanted to be, feeling the guilt and shame associated and wanting nothing more than to just be someone else, anyone else; wanting Ashlyn to not have to suffer alongside through her slow self-exploration.

            “Ash?” Ali asked in a small voice, wishing there wasn’t so much space between them.

            “Yeah,” Ashlyn said, nodding. “I know, I get it.” When she saw the still wary expression on Ali’s face she smiled, stepping forward. She wished to reach out and take her hand to comfort her, knowing that was at the crux of their disagreement and fighting down another stab of frustration. “Really, babe, it’s okay.”

     The usage of the pet name eased some of the worry, and Ali smiled back at her. “You sure?”

     Ashlyn bit her lip, her true feelings fighting to be vocalized but complacency bubbled up in her throat. “Yeah,” she said, nodding again. “You’re worth it. I know it’s not going to be forever. I can wait.”

     The compromise was certainly worth it, Ashlyn thought, seeing the blinding smile on Ali’s face. “No, it won’t be forever. I’ve just gotta get there, and I will.” They started walking again, Ali looking up at her Jetta six spots away. “Thank you,” she murmured, looking at Ashlyn, her big beautiful eyes full of affection. “Thank you for being patient.” She bumped their shoulders together, lingering for a moment before pulling away.

     Ashlyn looked over, holding her gaze for a few moments and groaning. “Ugh, I want to kiss you so badly,” she said.

     Ali smirked. “Didn’t get your fill of that this morning?”

     Ashlyn shook her head. “Not hardly. The day I tell you I’ve had my fill you should probably check me for a head injury.” When Ali snorted, she continued, “You don’t believe me? I mean, I guess it’s hard to truly quantify. You know what we should do instead of going to the movies?”

     “What?” Ali asked warily.

     “We should do _science_ ,” Ashlyn said, waggling her eyebrows.

     “I hesitate to ask,” Ali deadpanned.

     “Well, I have an official plan. We’ll even follow the scientific method. We’ve got our question, right? So, we’re going to form our hypothesis, then do some testing and then look at our findings. We’ll make some observations and then so on and so forth,” she said, counting on her fingers. “It’s all very technical.”

     “I’m glad to hear you’re doing well in your Physics class,” Ali rolled her eyes. “What was the question again?”

     “Did I get my fill this morning?”

     Ali groaned, reaching the driver’s door and climbing in. “You’re insatiable!”

     “Excuse me,” Ashlyn said, sliding in the passenger seat and closing the door. “I seem to recall a certain soccer playing, sorority partying, high maintenance brunette practically _dragging_ me upstairs to her room two days ago. Me, insatiable?”

     “High maintenance huh?” Ali asked, but she grinned cheekily all the same. “It’s not my fault. You wore those jeans that show your underwear all the time and you had on a shirt that _somehow_ just kept riding up. You were basically wearing a flashing sign that said ‘Take me now’.”

     “For the record, let’s just say that sign is always on,” Ashlyn said, reaching down to the console to wrap her hand around Ali’s as they exited the parking lot.

* * *

     “Ashlyn Michelle Harris,” Ali started, her eyes still closed. “You better not have me in this line for something useless.”

     Ashlyn scoffed, hand on her chest. “I beg your pardon, but this is coming from the woman who has a closet full of five different, extremely expensive purses.”

     “So?”

     “You can only carry one of the damn things at a time. Talk about useless.”

     Ali shot her the finger, burrowing down into the blanket she had wrapped around her and fighting the urge to sit down on the cold sidewalk. The moon was high in the sky, brightly shining near-midnight moonlight over the queue of customers lined up under the illuminated Best Buy sign. She glared enviously at the devout patrons staked out in front of the doors, thinking she’d have a better chance of keeping warm inside a tent.

     “Besides, ‘useless’ is in the eye of the beholder.”

     Ali shot her the side eye. “You’re gonna just get some DVD or something stupid.”

     “Come on, Al,” Ashlyn said, excitement in her eyes. “Doesn’t this just get your blood pumping?”

     “I wish,” Ali grumbled. “My toes are going numb.”

     “Don’t be dramatic. This is exciting! I’ve always heard the stories about Black Friday. I figured this was the year I’d venture out. You know, now that I have a teammate.” She winked over at Ali who didn’t appreciate her cute gesture.

     “People _die_ shopping on Black Friday, Ash. They get trampled to death or stabbed or beaten up. I’d hate to have to jump someone to save your ass again.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “Just don’t try to steal anyone’s TV or vacuum cleaner or Tickle Me Mickey doll and you’ll be just fine.”

     “Elmo,” Ali said, checking her watch. “It’s Tickle Me Elmo.”

     “Equally creepy.”

     “Agreed.”

     Everyone in the line looked up as a man exited the giant truck that had been idling close to the front of the store, dressed in a blue polo and holding a jangling set of keys. Aware of their gaze, the man waved, turning his body to look down towards the end of the line that he could see, the rest of it beginning to wrap around the building. He visibly sighed, pulling a Santa hat out of his coat pocket and putting it on his head.

     "You ready?” Ashlyn asked, face full of excitement.

     “As I’ll ever be,” Ali said, giving her a wry smile.

     Ashlyn was entranced, eyes wide as she crossed through the automatic doors, only barely noticing the jostling from other customers. Ali directed her to grab a cart, unsure of what exactly she planned on buying. She didn’t have the heart to tell her that she just wanted to come, to see what the biggest shopping day of the year was like. Somewhere in her head, she knew she’d have to exclaim over something eventually, making the trip and Ali’s exhaustion worth it.

     They went down the aisles, and Ashlyn was amused as Ali’s interest slowly but steadily grew. It started as they passed a pair of sweat proof headphones advertised as 35% off; she threw them into the cart, talking about how she’d been looking for something to use in the gym. Then, as they went down the aisle with phone accessories, two Blackberry cases found their way into the cart ( _They’re 75% off, Ash. It makes more sense than buying them full price._ )

     On and on they went, and twenty minutes later, Ali wasn’t even trying to hide it.

     “Okay, so that’s my mom, my dad, Kyle, Liz, Julia, Christen, Coach Kenner, Knox, Jonathan –“she tallied, counting each off on her fingers.

     “Who knew you’d knock out half of your Christmas list at Best Buy,” Ashlyn said.

     Ali stuck her tongue out, “I can’t help but notice we’ve yet to grab your must have item though. Are there even going to be any left?”

     “Uhh,” Ashlyn stammered, looking around and seeing a giant sign emblazoned ‘Audio’. “Yeah, this way.”

     They turned to the right, and immediately Ashlyn saw that the locusts had already been through: the shelves were nearly bare. She kept going, sifting through the extraneous items that had been discarded, yet to find anything of value or that she’d know Ali would believe.

     “Ash …” Ali started, eyeing the empty rows. “What exactly did you come here to buy?”

     “Uhh,” Ashlyn said again, turning at the end of the row and finding another equally deserted aisle. “Well, you see … Ah-hah!”

     She reached into a giant wire enclosure, pulling out a 10 foot Griffin guitar cable. “It’s priceless,” she said, tossing it into the cart. “I’m so glad to have this monumental task behind me.”

     Ali looked at the sign, reading the red print. “It’s $12.99.”

     “A steal.”

     “Regularly $17.50.”

     “That’s nearly $5 going into my savings account.”

     Ali eyed her. “You _didn’t_ have anything to buy did you?” she exclaimed, playfully smacking her shoulder when she got a grin in return. “You rat! It’s midnight! I could be sleeping!”

     “But your Christmas list would be dreadfully full,” Ashlyn reasoned, pinning Ali’s hands to her side and frog marching her closer. “I’ve enabled your productivity. I am a hero.”

     Ali accepted her kiss, and as Ashlyn pulled away, she cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t get carried away. I still have about fifteen more people to buy for.”

     “Fifteen?!” Ashlyn asked, eyes wide. “I don’t even like fifteen people _total_ , much less enough to get them something for Christmas.”

     “So it sounds like all of your buying will be for me then. I’ll get you a detailed list.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you will Princess. Make sure I have enough time for the personalized crown to come in from England.”

     They kissed softly again, Ashlyn licking along Ali’s bottom lip. Ali pulled back, moving up to kiss below Ashlyn’s ear. “Wanna see what the mayhem is like over at Target?”

* * *

     “Glad to see that guitar cable you just had to have is working out,” Ali said breathlessly, hands sliding into Ashlyn’s hair as the blonde ran her lips down her neck. She sighed once, the end of the sound tapering off into a moan when Ashlyn started to part her thighs.

     Ali sat on the edge of a table backstage at Billy’s where Velvet Moon was set to play their holiday show, Ashlyn standing in front of her and taking advantage of their positioning. Ali brought her legs up, resting her heels flat on the surface, and Ashlyn groaned, tugging her hips until they were touching, her own pelvis thrusting forward in a slow grind. Ali sighed again, arching her back and giving back as good as she got.

     “How long till show time?” she asked, grabbing a fistful of hair and lightly tugging.

     “Mmm,” Ashlyn murmured, raising her arm to check, “’bout twelve minutes.”

     “Plenty of time,” Ali said, reaching down between them to start fumbling with Ashlyn’s fly.

     Ashlyn moaned in appreciation, her mouth latching on to Ali’s pulse point. She lightly sucked the skin, stopping when Ali pulled back, presenting her lips instead. “I’m on a plane to Tuscon tomorrow morning to spend the weekend with my marketing class and give presentations. I probably shouldn’t be sporting hickeys.”

     “That’s why God invented turtlenecks,” Ashlyn said, but when she moved back to Ali’s neck, she just ran her tongue along the pinked skin.

     “Are you gonna focus?” Ali asked, slipping a hand inside the waistband of Ashlyn’s Calvin Klein boxer briefs, the other hand tugging her forward until she felt confident they were more effectively hidden by a thick black curtain.

     “Yes,” Ashlyn whispered, nodding against Ali’s forehead when she felt her fingers right where she wanted them.

     “Was that ‘yes’ affirmative or ‘yes, Ali you’re a sex kitten’?” Ali teased, nipping at Ashlyn’s exposed collarbone.

     “Yes,” Ashlyn repeated, her hands gripping hard onto Ali’s shoulders.

     Just as Ali started to slip her index finger inside, they were interrupted by the unmistakable thud of Kelley’s clunky Doc Martens approaching. “Fuck!” Ashlyn said, hastily reaching down to button her jeans back as Ali dropped her legs from the table and stood up.

     “Lovebirds?” they heard Kelley call out softly, and when she appeared around the corner, she had a hand over her eyes. “Is it safe to look?”

     “Fuck off,” Ashlyn laughed, and Kelley dropped her hand to grin at them.

     “I figured I’d find you guys here … again,” the freckle faced drummer said, tugging on the black curtain.

     Ali went red, looking down at the ground. She hadn’t quite recovered from the embarrassment of Kelley catching Ashlyn on her knees in front of her, on that very table. “Hi Kelley,” she squeaked, grinning.

     “Hey Ali-cat,” she said, using a nickname that seemed to be sticking, much to Ali’s dismay. The night before, Christen had used it in the bathroom, smirking when she heard a groan in response. “You look very festive.”

     Ali twirled once, her elf workshop inspired skirt fluttering. “I even have shoes to match,” she said, indicating down to the curled-toe, green shoes.

     “Like she needed an excuse to get a new pair,” Ashlyn said, smoothing down her shirt. “What’s up?”

     “Ricky’s already drunk,” she said, thumbing over her shoulder. “Rory says he should hurl before we go on so he can focus.”

     “How am I supposed to help with that?” Ashlyn asked warily.

     “We need someone to convince him,” Kelley replied. “He thinks he’s fine but no one wants to hear slurred Christmas carols.”

     Ashlyn sighed, bringing Ali’s hand to her mouth and kissing her knuckles. “Duty calls,” she said, following after Kelley. “I’ll see you after?”

     “Of course,” Ali said, pulling out her phone to text Christen.

     The show went smoothly, once Ricky was convinced their course of action was the best. It was like night and day once he’d emptied his stomach, and luckily Jason had thrust a Vitamin Water in his hand when he reached for another beer. Then it actually became fun, the crowd singing along to most of the songs, clapping and dancing. Ashlyn wore a felt set of reindeer antlers, shaking her head between songs to make the bells ring.

     “Before we get to our last song of the evening,” Ricky said, giving a pouty face to the resounding ‘awww’ from the crowd. “I know, I know. But before then, I want to point something out.”

     “Uh oh,” Jason said into his mic, twisting to face Ricky. “This is scary.”

     “I know we don’t qualify as a real rock band, but I think you guys are having fun, right?” After the positive consensus from the bar patrons, he nodded. “You’re having fun and yet, there’s not been a single bra thrown on stage.”

     Rory groaned. “It’s a Christmas show man.”

     “ _Holiday_ , Rory. It’s a holiday show,” Ricky corrected, turning back to him. “And what better way to celebrate the holidays than to play a festive game of ring toss?”

     The rest of the band looked at each other questioningly. “What’s that?” Kelley asked, the crowd amused by their antics.

     Ricky pointed at Ashlyn. “Ring toss! Let’s see who can get their bra around the reindeer antlers. Fifteen dollar bar credit to the lucky winner.”

     Ashlyn’s eyes went wide, searching for Ali’s in the crowd. She was easy to spot in her full elf getup, where she was sitting back at a table, leaning to talk into Christen’s ear. They turned back, both of them looking highly amused. “Uhhh, did you think about running that by the reindeer?” Ashlyn asked into her mic, grateful for the collective laughter.

     “This is why we limit Ricky’s intake, ladies and gents,” Rory said, waving towards the bar. “Billy, I think we need another Vitamin Water over here.”

     “Yeah, I’m guessing from his face, that plan is a no go Rick,” Jason said, also indicating towards the bar owner.

     “It’s _jolly_ , guys,” Ricky said, cheeky grin on his face. “I’d insert a joke about jingle bells buuuut –“The crowd groaned. “It’s equal opportunity! We’ll take bras and, I don’t know … anyone wearing a jockstrap?”

     “Alright guys, we’re going to be closing it out with another favorite, and oddly on topic: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer,” Kelley said quickly as Ashlyn turned to find something to throw at the lead singer.

     They closed out the show to raucous applause, only barely pulling Ricky off the stage before he decided to repeat the mooning experience of the previous year. “Goodnight everyone! Happy holidays!” Ashlyn said, pushing Ricky into Jason’s arms.

     Backstage, as the guys got Ricky some more electrolytes and confined him to a corner, Ashlyn was relieved to see Ali and Christen come through the curtain.

     “Hey Rudolph,” Christen said, smirking. “That almost got very entertaining.”

     “So you weren’t entertained before then?” Kelley asked, walking up with a fresh bottle of water in hand.

     “I would’ve participated,” Ali said, leaning forward and kissing Ashlyn’s cheek.

     “Yeah?” Ashlyn asked, returning one herself. “We really gotta stop letting him drink before shows.”

     “We always say that,” Kelley said. “He’s got another year left until he graduates. I don’t think he’s gonna change now.”

     “Speaking of changing,” Ashlyn said, looking down at her ugly Christmas sweater. “I’m so sweaty it isn’t even funny. I’ve got another shirt in the car. It’ll take us about twenty minutes to break everything down, pack it all up and then we can head out.” She looked between Christen and Kelley, “Are we still on for dinner?”

     "Yep,” Christen said. “But for what it’s worth, you should keep the sweater. The fuzzy ornaments are working for you.”

     “Yeah, yeah,” Ashlyn said, walking towards the backdoor with Ali in tow. As they went through, she turned to her. “So a quick dinner and then back to … yours?”

     Ali scrunched her nose. “About that …”

     “No,” Ashlyn said, shoulders drooping. “Please say you’re kidding.”

     “I’m sorry, babe,” she said, eyes sincere. “I thought Julia was going to go to home this weekend but she’s got a few more days. My room is a no go.”

     “But you’re leaving in the morning,” Ashlyn whined, unlocking her truck.

     “For three days, goober,” Ali said, checking around them before kissing her. “I’ll be back before you know it, before you even have a chance of missing me.”

     “Doubtful,” Ashlyn grumbled, grabbing the button up that had been on a hanger. “I miss you already.”

     “Yeah?” Ali asked, biting the edge of her lip. “How much?”

     “ _So_ much,” Ashlyn said, pulling her between her truck and the next car, giving them shelter from anyone looking around. She leaned forward, kissing her deeply.

     Ali came up for air a few seconds later, nuzzling their noses. “You know, I didn’t get to finish what I started earlier,” she said, running her hands down Ashlyn’s chest towards her jeans.

     “Don’t tease me,” Ashlyn grumbled, pulling her hands away. “A. We both know you’re not into exhibitionism and B. It’s freezing.”

     “You’re right,” Ali said, squeezing her hand before walking back towards Billy’s.

     “So I guess we’re in my room,” Ashlyn said, “seeing as I’m not allowed to be in yours when your roommate is there.”

     Ali sighed. “Ash.”

     “I’m just saying: my roommates have been cool about it,” Ashlyn shrugged. “You won’t know if Julia will be weird about it until you give her the chance.”

     “But I don’t really want to push that before we all leave for Christmas break. It’s kind of awkward –“

     “How is it awkward?” Ashlyn asked abruptly. “You spend so much of your time with her between the sorority and the soccer team. It’s kind of _more_ awkward to pretend that nothing’s going on between us.”

     Ali gave her a look. “Babe, come on.”

     Ashlyn groaned in frustration. “I know. I know, I know. I’m sorry. Let’s not do this before you go, okay? But …”

     “But?”

     Ashlyn reached out, running her hand down Ali’s forearm and squeezing her fingers before letting go. “Before Christmas?” she asked hopefully, heart in her throat.

     Ali stiffened, but only slightly. If she was honest, she’d been putting it off every time Ashlyn asked about their low-key relationship. She still hadn’t made a choice, wishing more than ever that they’d established a firm agreement before this whole thing had begun. It wasn’t that she was anything less than proud to be Ashlyn’s girlfriend it was just …

     “Absolutely,” Ali replied, reaching to squeeze her hand back. “Before Christmas.”

     As they walked back inside to finish packing up the stage, Ashlyn’s face bore a giant smile while Ali had a concerned frown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments. It's really nice reading all of your reactions! Keep them coming. :)


	12. we'll wish this never ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali spends the weekend in Tucson & Ashlyn debates something with Kelley.

     “Babe,” Ali started, leaning down to lace up one of her boots, “I’m really sorry, but we’re going to be late. We really have to get going.”

     “I know,” Ashlyn said, still rummaging through her wardrobe. “I’m hurrying! I can’t find my stupid white Vans t-shirt.”

     “You’re going to have to narrow that down,” Ali said, straightening up and reaching her foot to nudge a balled-up t-shirt lying on the floor and showing the Vans label. “You have a lot of them.”

     “No, it’s … I’m going to meet Mac for breakfast after I drop you off and I wanted to show it to him.”

     If Ali hadn’t been busy lacing up her other boot, she would’ve noticed Ashlyn pause, shove something up the sleeve of her hoodie and then turn around. Her movements went undetected and when she turned to face her girlfriend, Ali looked apologetic. “Ash, I’m sorry,” she pushed her sleeve up to check the time. “We really should’ve been out of here 10 minutes ago.”

     “It’s okay, I’m ready,” Ashlyn said, leaning down and picking a shirt up from one of her few piles strewn on the floor.

     “That’s the one?” Ali asked, eyebrow raised. “Your super important Vans t-shirt?”

     “Uh, no but you know, we’re late,” Ashlyn said, self-consciously moving one of her wrists behind her back. “Chop, chop Krieger.”

     “You’re being weird …” Ali trailed off, leaning down to raise the handle on her carry-on.

     “Me? Never,” Ashlyn replied, playfully shoving Ali out the door as she snorted in response.

* * *

     They drove down towards Denver International Airport just as the sun was starting to light up the sky; beautiful pinks, oranges and yellows lit up the fluffy winter clouds hanging low in the atmosphere, jet stream trails crisscrossing through the few spaces of blue. They were silent for most the drive as the excitement of getting up, dressed and leaving had slipped away with each mile added between them and the campus.

     Ashlyn had her left foot up on her seat, resting her elbow on her knee and keeping a hold on the steering wheel with one hand, the other busying itself twisting and turning in Ali’s outstretched hand on the bench seat between them. For her part, the brunette looked out the window, occasionally taking sips of coffee from the to-go cup in her other hand. Soft music played in the background, mostly for noise; the drone of the wheels on the highway a soothing ambiance. As the suburbs slipped by, Ali thought back to the night before.

     They’d had a nice dinner after the show, having gone to a new Japanese steakhouse that had just opened in Boulder; _hibachi style_ , Ali remembered. The four of them sat together at a larger communal table, chatting with a few other guests and enjoying the company and the community. Ali, Ashlyn and Kelley, all over the legal drinking age, had ordered sake bombs, much to Christen’s chagrin. Their rule following didn’t last long; even if she couldn’t order them, she wasn’t monitored at the table.

     “I think you need another one of these,” Christen said, draining the last bit of Ali’s drink with her head knocked back.

     “Careful there, Pressy,” Ali said, a ruddy tinge on her cheeks. “One too many of those and you’re gonna start getting flirty.”

     “Whatever,” Christen said, but she grinned down into her drink. “That was _one_ time.”

     “Let’s make it two,” Ashlyn replied, raising her hand to get the waiter’s attention. “One more round of sake bombs, please.”

     Ali shook her head, “Not for me, thanks.” She turned to Ashlyn, “Some of us have to be up early in the morning. In fact,” Ali slid Ashlyn’s half full glass towards Kelley, “some of us have to be up early as well because we’re driving said early people to the airport.”

     “I like that plan,” Kelley said, finishing off Ashlyn’s glass. “You should get up early more often so I can finish all of your drinks.”

     “Dream team,” Ashlyn grumbled, looking back at Ali. “ _Fine_. But when you come back, you owe me a good, old fashioned rowdy time. A time where I don’t have to wake up at six in the morning _on a Friday_ to take you to the hour-drive-away airport.”

     Ali leaned into her, “Aw, poor sad you. It’s up to you, though. You can always get nice and boisterous, drag your ass back to your dorm, sleep in till noon and not come see me off.” She kissed her cheek, grinning at the pout settling on her features. “Hey, if I recall correctly, you asked to take me. This is on you.”

     “In my defense, I didn’t know how good sake bombs were,” Ashlyn said, looking wistfully at the empty glasses.

     The waiter arrived with two fresh sake bombs and left them, Ashlyn making a show of dramatically sighing before sliding her drink to Christen. “You better enjoy every drop of this, Press.”

     “Twist my arm,” Christen said, readying herself to drop the shot glass of sake into the half full beer. She nodded at Kelley, “Ready?”

     Kelley just nodded and in tandem, the two of them slid out the chopsticks holding the ceramic cups in place, watching as the drinks mixed. Then, without the sound of a starter’s gun, the two of them were in a race, both watching the other as they attempted to down the contents of their glass first.

     Not at all surprising to Ashlyn, Kelley slammed her back down to the table first, with gusto. “Ha!” She wiped the back of her hand across her lips, “Reigning champ.”

     Next to her, Christen set hers down next to her dinner plate, taking a deep breath. “Wow, those don’t go down smoothly at all, do they?”

     “Definitely aiming for the second time,” Ali remarked, and Christen leaned across Ashlyn’s lap to poke at her shoulder with a chopstick.

* * *

     Two hours later the four of them emerged, walking to their cars in the increasingly blustering wind. Giggling as she fumbled with her coat zipper, Christen looked up at Ali. “Houston, we have a problem.”

     Ali sighed, reaching towards Christen’s purse. “How did I know I was going to end up as the designated driver?”

     Kelley wrapped her arm around Ashlyn’s neck, placing a loud, wet kiss on her cheek. “Are you going to make sure I get home safely from our date?” she asked, sliding a hand down to rest on Ashlyn’s ass.

     “Date?” Ashlyn grinned, reaching back to move Kelley’s palm from where it was trying to sneak into the pocket of her jeans. “Where are my flowers, O’Hara? If you’re trying to woo me, this isn’t the way to go about it.”

     Ashlyn looked to Ali who was wrangling Christen towards her Mustang. “So it looks like I’m heading back to drop Chris at the house. If you follow me back, I can ride with you and Kelley over to Sterns. Quit it,” she said to Christen, who had started playing with Ali’s coat zipper, pulling it quickly up and down.

     “Like herding cats,” Ashlyn remarked, snagging Kelley’s hood before she took off across the parking lot.

     “Snow!” Kelley yelled, flailing her arms out as though to reach out and grab it.

     “If you stand still, it’ll come to you,” Ashlyn said, still gripping onto the hood. “That sounds like a plan,” she said to Ali who nodded and started to dig Christen’s keys out of her purse.

     “Let’s go Pressy,” she said to Christen who had her mouth open and tongue out to catch the flurries.

* * *

     Ashlyn followed closely behind the Mustang, keeping an eye on Kelley who had her face pressed to the glass. “Don’t even think about rolling that window down again,” she said.

     “Promise,” Kelley replied, but her hand inched towards the rolling lever.

     “Hey! Focus!” Ashlyn said, reaching over to smack her shoulder. “I wanted to run something by you.”

     “Aaaanything for my pal,” Kelley said, whipping her head around. “Ooh, too fast.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “I need advice.”

     “Oh, yes,” Kelley nodded, reaching up to wipe both hands across her face. She blinked hard and took a deep breath. “Okay, you have roughly two minutes of lucidity I think.”

     Ashlyn grinned. “I think I might … Okay, don’t tell me it’s stupid, I know we’ve only been dating for like a month and a half, but I think I’m ready.”

     “Ready for what?” Kelley asked, raising an eyebrow. “You’re too messy to have a baby.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “You said two minutes.”

     "You’re talking about being ‘ready’ for something. I wanted to cover the biggest base first. Ready for what?”

     Ashlyn bit her lip. “I know it’s early, but I just … I feel it.”

     “You love her,” Kelley said matter-of-factly.

     From the other side of the cab, Ashlyn alternated between keeping her eyes on the road and looking back at Kelley. “I do.”

     Kelley just nodded in response, looking back out the window. “You should tell her,” she said, voice muffled against the glass. Ashlyn could see the fog building from her breath.

     Minutes passed and Ashlyn pulled a U-turn as Ali turned into the driveway, putting the truck in park before turning to face her friend. “You think so?”

     "I think so what?” Kelley asked, dragging her index finger through the condensation.

     Ashlyn sighed. “You think I should tell her I love her?”

     Kelley shrugged. “I think if you love her, you absolutely should tell her because Ali is gorgeous and you don’t keep a girl like that waiting.”

     “It’s not too soon?” Ashlyn asked, quirking her cheek. “I feel like she might think it’s too soon.”

     Kelley rubbed her hands over her face again. “I gave you two minutes,” she grumbled. “You really love her?” She asked, one eye closed.

     Ashlyn nodded silently.

     “Then tell her,” Kelley said, looking up to the front door where Ali was locking it and running down the steps towards them. “Or I will,” she said cheekily.

     “Fuck off,” Ashlyn said grinning, shoving Kelley when Ali opened the door. “She sits in the middle.”

     “Just scoot, Kelley. It’s fucking freezing.” Ali climbed in and slammed the door behind her, huddling up to Kelley’s side. “Must be negative five thousand degrees,” she said, turning her face down into her coat.

     “You know, they say that cuddling naked with someone else also naked is the fastest way to get warm,” Kelley said, reaching an arm over and pulling Ali close while winking back at Ashlyn.

     “They also say that riding in the bed of a truck while it’s snowing and the driver acts like it’s the Indy 500 is a terribly cold way to die,” Ashlyn deadpanned, reaching over to slap at Kelley’s hand.

* * *

     Terminal A was barely coming to life as Ashlyn and Ali came up from the parking level on the escalator, illuminated signs blinking awake and desk attendants yawning over their morning cups of coffee. The area was primarily business people, dressed in their slacks and suit jackets, leather briefcases in hand with a copy of the Wall Street Journal.

     Ali unlinked their pinkies as she saw a few members of her class standing at the far end, lining up at the Spirit Airlines desk. She turned her head this way and that before steering Ashlyn over to a covered enclave. Once hidden, she pressed their foreheads together, sighing deeply and closing her eyes.

     “I wish you could come with me,” she said, kissing one of Ashlyn’s eyelids.

     “Me too,” Ashlyn murmured, returning a kiss to the tip of Ali’s nose. “It’s much warmer in Tucson.”

     Ashlyn shrugged Ali’s backpack from her shoulders, placing it on the ground before taking Ali fully into her arms. They kissed deeply, Ali’s hands gripping Ashlyn’s coat and tethering their bodies together for the last seconds that they could. At the sound of a peal of laughter from the other end, even though they knew they were hidden from view, they pulled apart.

     “I’ll call you tonight,” Ali said, reaching down to pick up her backpack and put it on her shoulders.

     “I’ll be waiting,” Ashlyn replied, kissing her again.

     “It’s just a weekend,” Ali said, but they both knew she was saying it to herself. They maintained eye contact until they were both grinning. “This is ridiculous,” she said, shaking her head. “Why is it so hard to walk away from you?”

     “It’s probably my cute ass,” Ashlyn quipped. “Or my wonderful singing voice.”

     “Or your guitarist fingers.” Ali waggled her eyebrows.

     Ashlyn put her hand to her chest as though affronted. “Always about sex with you, you heathen.”

     “I’ve got to go,” Ali said against Ashlyn’s mouth, sliding the tip of her tongue against her lips.

     “Then go,” Ashlyn replied, taking hold of the straps of her backpack and pushing her away. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

     “Really, they can take me back to campus,” Ali said, but she was smiling happily. “You really want to drive all the way back here?”

     Ashlyn nodded. “Absolutely,” she turned Ali around to head towards her group, adding “We can fool around in the car on the way home.”

     Ali laughed as she walked away, turning to walk backwards so she could smile and wave again. “Bye,” she said, but Ashlyn only read her lips as she spoke so quietly.

     She waved in response, waiting in place until Ali had turned and approached her classmates. Even though she would’ve waited and watched until Ali had gone through the check in line and out of view, a buzz in her back pocket reminded her of a breakfast date with her friend in downtown Denver.

* * *

     “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve now reached cruising altitude and you are free to use any electronic items such as personal music players and laptops. Please be reminded that any items using two-way radio are still strictly prohibited. Be cautious as you open the overhead bins as items may have shifted during takeoff.”

     Ali leaned down to pull her backpack from below the seat in front of her, unzipping the front pocket for her headphones. When she pulled her earbuds out, she noticed a small, square package wrapped in Christmas paper resting right below. She pulled it out questioningly, turning it over until she saw a small, handwritten label: “To Ali From Ashlyn”.

     Smiling, she carefully tore the paper, checking to make sure her two classmates sharing her row were preoccupied before seeing what her girlfriend had slipped into her bag. She wasn’t quite sure it was below her to have Ali open some sort of flirty gift while trapped next to her seatmates.

     Her worrying was for naught: inside the wrapping was an iPod Nano, encased in plastic. As she pulled the rest of the wrapping off, a small folded note fell into her lap. She opened it, reading Ashlyn’s tiny handwriting: _Couldn’t wait till Christmas – hope you like it! Check your playlists. ;) –Ash_

     Ali opened the casing, pulling out a new set of white Apple earbuds and taking the small, pink square iPod into her hands. The tiny touch screen came to life, and Ali was pleased to see a fully charged battery, appreciating Ashlyn’s preparations. As instructed, she navigated through the music folder and opened the playlist menu, seeing an item labeled: _Tucson_.

     There was a list of songs to scroll through, most of them well known songs about missing someone – classics like “Ain’t No Sunshine” and “So Far Away”. Ali smiled to herself, touched by Ashlyn’s thoughtful gift. She went through the list of roughly twenty songs, tucking the headphones in her ear before selecting one of them.

     As Blink-182 began playing in her ears, she relished in the warm, full feeling in her heart.

* * *

     “Hey you,” Ashlyn’s voice came over the line. “I didn’t expect your call until later. How was your flight?”

     Ali grinned into the receiver, tucking her hair behind her hears. “It was good, nice and smooth. We’re waiting at the baggage claim, but I wanted to call. I got your present.”

     She heard silence over the line and imagined Ashlyn’s proud grin. “Yeah? What’d you think?”

     “I loved it,” Ali gushed, her cheeks nearly hurting from the big smile she’d sported since she found the iPod. “It’s very sweet.”

     “I wasn’t totally sure what your favorite music was so I just focused on a playlist for you while you’re gone,” Ashlyn replied, and Ali heard city sounds in the background.

     “Are you still in Denver?” she asked, looking up as the baggage claim carousel started buzzing, notifying the passengers that their items were to be expected.

     “Yeah,” she said, voice huffing and Ali imagined her jogging through a cross walk. “We just finished up with breakfast. I’m gonna head to his studio for a while to do some work before I go back to school. I think Kelley is still sleeping off a hangover anyway.”

     “Probably,” Ali said, thinking to how quickly Christen had flopped onto her bed fully dressed after making it into her bedroom. “They probably would’ve been okay had they not started drinking competitively.”

     “Probably,” Ashlyn echoed. “Any favorites from the playlist?”

     Ali grinned again. “I was really into Blink-182 during a small punk phase in high school.”

     “Really?” Ashlyn asked, intrigued. “I’ve been picturing a childhood full of private school and lots of ‘please’ and ‘thank yous’ with prim and proper Alexandra Blaire Krieger following every single rule to the letter. Please correct me.”

     “I was seventeen,” Ali said, walking over to the conveyor belt but staying out of earshot from her classmates. “I had just met my girlfriend Lauren and she was definitely a rule breaker.”

     “I’m so into this,” Ashlyn replied. “I’d watch the hell out of that movie. It’s like Lady and the Tramp, but with lots more saddle shoes and pleated skirts.”

     “Easy tiger,” Ali said, rolling her eyes. “I did get sort of unruly for about a year. It drove my parents crazy. There were a lot of times they took my speakers from my room because I wouldn’t turn the music down.” She looked down at her new iPod, running her thumb over the edge. “I wanted someone to get all Say Anything on me and play pop punk love songs for me outside of my window.”

     “I’ll be happy to,” Ashlyn said. “I’ll even wear the trench coat.”

     “As long as you’re naked under it,” Ali murmured into the phone and she wanted to laugh at the sudden silence.

     “When do you come back? Right now?” Ashlyn asked. “Because I can head to the airport to pick you up. Fuck, I’ll drive to Tucson.”

     “Bye,” Ali said. “Thank you for the gift.”

     “Bye,” Ashlyn grumbled.

* * *

     The days passed agonizingly slow for Ashlyn, made worse by the fact that Ali was busy for much of the day in different presentations and meetings. They hadn’t been able to talk much, only getting in a solid fifteen minutes each night before Ali had to walk back to her shared hotel room and go to sleep.

     “I’m sorry,” she whispered, footsteps padding down the carpeted hallway. “But I’ll be back in less than twenty-four hours.”

     “Please tell me Julia’s gone,” Ashlyn replied in a grumble, hidden underneath her comforter in bed. “Of course the day you come back, Nicole is gonna be here.”

     "You’re in luck,” Ali said, pulling her hotel room key from her pocket. “Bring the candles – we have a room to ourselves tomorrow night.”

     “Yesss,” Ashlyn whispered, but stopped short. “Except even though it’s a room to ourselves, you’ll sneak me in and out in the morning, and then we can’t make any sort of noise. So, like, half a ‘yes’. A ‘ye’.”

     “Ye!” Ali responded. “One of these days it’ll work out,” she said soothingly. “We’ll have a place to ourselves.”

     “I’m counting on it,” Ashlyn said, sighing deeply. “Give me more good news. How was the weekend?”

     “It was actually really good,” Ali responded, tucking the key away again and sliding down on the floor next to the door. “The sessions with the leadership team have been really helpful. I think our class is doing a good job of coming up with new ways to approach different aspects of advertising deals.”

     “Sweet,” came Ashlyn’s response, muffled by a yawn.

     “Are you tired?” Ali asked, smiling. She checked her watch. “It’s late, babe. You oughta go to sleep.”

     “It’s a Saturday night! I’m up till I see the sun.” She cleared her throat, and started humming a dance song. “I should go out, you know? Get my groove thing on.”

     “’Groove thing’?” Ali laughed. “You’re such a dork.”

     “What? I was lord of the dance before you came along – maybe it’s time to work on maintaining my title.”

     Ali scoffed. “I’ve seen you dance,” she said, “and I highly doubt you were lord of anything. Lord of the lack of rhythm maybe.”

     “Harsh!” Ashlyn snickered.

     “You love it,” Ali replied, looking down the hallway, reveling in the sound of Ashlyn’s laughter in her ears.

     “I do,” Ashlyn said, though her voice was much more muted than before. “I really do.”

     A hushed silence fell on the line; Ashlyn’s heart swam in her throat, unable to pierce the thick rush of fear and longing rising into her mouth like high tide. She still wasn’t sure; if she’d been honest with herself, she’d initially planned on waiting until Ali came home again, if she was going to say it at all. However, as she laid under her blankets in the hushed darkness of her dorm room, Alyssa sleeping across from her, the trembling in her body said it all: perhaps she _was_ ready.

     “Ali,” she started, voice cutting off of its own accord.

     “Yeah?” Ali replied in a whisper, feeling a thrill up her spine.

     She felt it too; a lightning on the line. She felt every inch, every mile of space between them, their emotions charging the very molecules in the air until she felt she could see a line between them if only she would look North. She cradled the phone between her ear and her shoulder, hands twisting together in her lap. She knew what was coming; she’d be a fool not to see it, to feel it. Did she feel it herself? Time was out, and she knew it in Ashlyn’s slow, rattling inhale.

     “I do,” she said again, releasing her breath and softly drawing another. “Ali, I love it. I really love it. I love –“

     Silence on the line again, and Ali could imagine Ashlyn’s heart thumping in her chest, nearly in time with her own.

     "You know it, right? You have to have already known it,” Ashlyn whispered, and Ali counted the pops and static in their pause.

     “I do,” Ali said, nodding even though she knew Ashlyn couldn’t see her. “I know, Ash.”

     A sigh; Ali felt the rush of relief and relaxation flowing through Ashlyn’s veins and she smiled to herself as she waited for a response.

     “I don’t … You don’t have to … I didn’t just bring it up to … you know, to hear it back.”

     “You haven’t even said anything, goober,” Ali teased, laughing softly.

     “Shut up,” Ashlyn grumbled, but Ali heard the grin in her voice.

     They fell into a natural pause, and Ali immediately had the strongest, most powerful desire to go to Ashlyn; she wanted so badly to fall into her arms, connect their mouths and their bodies and not let go until every ounce of energy was spent. She didn’t have the words yet, she decided, but she knew in her heart that the feeling was there. It’d grown since the first day they set eyes on each other; a seed planted and nurtured and the first signs of sprouting were appearing before her eyes.

     “It’s late,” Ali said softly, licking her lips.

     “Don’t wanna hang up,” Ashlyn replied, and Ali’s heart throbbed with a powerful ache.

     “Me either,” she started, “but the sooner we do, the sooner I sleep, and the sooner it is that I’ll be on my way home to you.”

     Ashlyn breathed in deeply, letting the air out in a rush. “It’s hard to fight with that logic,” she said. “I miss you.”

     “You’re the voice inside my head,” Ali replied, quoting her new favorite song.

     “God, stop being so cute,” Ashlyn groaned. “I want to be with you now. I’d give anything to be with you right fucking now.”

     “I know,” Ali whispered, closing her eyes and picturing the weight of Ashlyn’s arms around her. “We just have to wait about seventeen hours and then I’m all yours.”

     “I’ll hold you to that,” Ashlyn murmured, sighing again. “Goodnight, Al.”

     “’Night Ash.”

* * *

     Ali was grateful that the rest of her classmates had gone in a different direction, heading towards the bus exit while she continued towards the sign that read ‘Private Transportation’. Her phone was still adjusting after turning back on, all of her missed texts coming in and blocking any communication out. As she streamed through the airport, she was anxious, wondering if her tentative plan to meet Ashlyn was going to work out.

     She turned the next corner and immediately realized that she needn’t have worried; a small voice in the back of her mind knew it as well, chastising her: _of course she’s here, you knew she would be_. Ali gave her a huge smile, feeling the tip of her tongue against the ridge of her teeth. Ashlyn returned hers in full force, dimple deep in her left cheek; even from the distance between them, Ali could imagine the twinkle in her eyes.

            They made a straight line to one another, and each step they took traveled miles and minutes and hours until Ashlyn’s arms reached out to receive Ali’s body as she pressed them together, mouth seeking its match and not stopping until they were kissing, hands wrapping around and sliding into the other’s hair and it didn’t occur to Ali once to be ashamed of their very public display of affection.

     “Hi,” Ashlyn breathed into the space between them, their foreheads resting together.

     “I missed you,” Ali replied, leaning back in to kiss her once more.

     “I need to get you out of here,” Ashlyn said as they pulled away again, dipping in for another quick mingling of lips. “I need to get you out of these clothes.”

     “What are you waiting for, then?” Ali challenged, smirking against Ashlyn’s mouth.

     They left the terminal hand in hand, occasionally peeking sideways at the other, always smiling in response. Ali felt a deep connection between them, one that she wasn’t completely confident had been there before their days apart. Something had changed, something weighty and tangible, and yet nothing at all. She was still the same Ashlyn, Ali thought, watching the way her bleach blonde strands fell loose from her bun, marveling at the stark black lines of tattoos exposed from the neckline of her t-shirt.

     But something was different; the way Ashlyn’s thumb rubbed soothing circles into the back of Ali’s hand, the way her fingertips itched with a static electricity whenever their eyes met. Something in Ashlyn, in her very foundation, had changed. As they headed towards the small blue truck, Ali’s head echoed Ashlyn’s words from the night before: _You know it right? You have to have already known it._

     Ali was surprised to realize that she did know; she knew, and what was more is that she was ready to let Ashlyn in on her secret as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all so very much & appreciate you for sticking around and wanting to see this through. Y'all are the best.


	13. the place we both know where we need to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn spend the holidays apart; gifts and celebrations ensue.

     “Thank you so much for helping with clean up today!” Sam said, placing a hand on Ashlyn’s upper arm.

     Ashlyn straightened up, shifting her body until Sam let go, and she held the half-full black trash bag in front of her in what she hoped was a smooth transition. All morning long, she’d seen the attractive gymnast looking at her, oftentimes when she thought Ashlyn wasn’t paying attention.

     “It’s not a problem,” Ashlyn replied, shrugging a shoulder. “I hang out at a lot of parties for the band. I know how messy they can get so I wanted to make sure you had more hands on deck for clean up.”

     Sam laughed, rather more enthusiastically than the comment called for. “But still, I don’t see any other people from the party here, and that includes the members from those other sororities and fraternities.”

     “You guys let me crash here last night so I figured it was the least I could do.” Ashlyn’s phone buzzed in her back pocket and she reached for it, lighting up the screen to read Ali’s text. “Ah, that’s Ali. She and Christen just left from soccer practice. They should be back soon.”

     “I hope you were comfortable in her room last night. Did she have you sleep on that camp bed?” Sam took an unassuming half step forward, inching Ashlyn back into the wall.

     “It wasn’t a big deal,” Ashlyn replied, grinning as she thought of how the cot-style bed still sat in the storage bag in Ali’s closet. “I didn’t want to put her out.”

     Sam gave her a pouty face, simpering. “And with Julia gone! She should’ve just had you sleep in her bed. Next time we’ll see if we can find you something more comfortable, hmm?” She crossed her arms under her chest, framing and lifting her cleavage in what Ashlyn was sure she thought was a covert way.

     Ashlyn could only fight it for so long, and smiled widely at Sam’s obvious flirtations. _If only you knew I was sleeping with your sorority sister,_ Ashlyn thought, but then immediately wondered if it would have any effect; Sam didn’t seem the type to mind some competition. Right as the brunette opened her mouth to speak, her eyes trained on Ashlyn’s lips, the latter was saved by Olivia, another one of the sorority members, coming down the stairs.

      “So I’ve got the upstairs bathroom cleaned, which was gross. I swear to God, the next time we have some of the frat guys over here, we need to get some plastic sheeting to lay down. Do they like, lean back by the wall and see as far as they can go before missing completely?” Olivia ranted, dropping a washed out mop bucket on the floor next to the utility closet.

     “That’s what my brother used to do,” Ashlyn replied, grateful for the distraction. “He and his buddies used to draw lines on the floor to mark who’d gone the farthest.”

     “Ugh! That’s so disgusting,” Olivia said, miming a fake gag. “I pray I don’t have sons.”

     Annoyed by their conversation and the manner in which it cut into her one-on-one with Ashlyn, Sam crossed in front of her to capture her attention once more. “Hey Ashlyn, do you mind helping me with something in the kitchen?” She inclined her head towards the other room, and Ashlyn scrambled for an excuse.

     “Actually,” Olivia said from a pile of trash bags in the dining area, “can you come take these out? I think they had some of the leftover food and they don’t smell wonderful.”

     “Absolutely,” Ashlyn said, immediately crossing over to where Olivia was starting to gather the handles. “I’ve got that.”

     She hauled two of the bags over her shoulders, leaving a few more behind. “Sorry,” she said to Sam as she passed by her on the way out the back door.

     “No problem,” Sam huffed, heading into the kitchen.

* * *

     “Holy shit,” Ali complained, coming through the front door and knocking her boots on the big welcome mat. Christen came in right behind her, face buried into a scarf. “It’s coming down in droves out there.”

     “Still?” Olivia asked, leaning over the back of the couch to peer out the window curtains. “I hope it knocks it off by the time I go to the airport tomorrow morning. I got tied up at Denver International for seven hours last year and I’d really like to skip that.”

     “Same,” Ali said, brushing snowflakes out of her hair and going into the living room to warm up by the fire.

     Christen looked around appreciatively. “You guys have done a great job in here! I’m sorry we had to be gone most of the morning.”

     “Feel free to take over in the kitchen,” Sam said, coming in from the kitchen in yellow rubber gloves and waving her hands towards Ali. “How was ‘soccer practice’ anyway?”

     Ali smiled back, rubbing her hands together for warmth. “It was more of a meeting. We were going over plans for the break and Coach wanted to talk to us about keeping a training schedule.”

     “She threatened us with laps in the snow if we come back from break lazy,” Christen rolled her eyes, sidling in next to Ali on the hearth.

     “Where’s Ashlyn?” Ali asked, looking around. “Has she been helpful?”

     From Olivia’s sudden giggle and the sly look on Sam’s face, a strange feeling of worry started to grow in the pit of Ali’s stomach. “What’s that about?” she asked slowly, unsure if she wanted to know.

     “What’s your definition of helpful?” Olivia sniggered.

     “Shut _up_ ,” Sam admonished, looking behind her towards the back door. She crossed to sit on the couch, taking off her gloves and leaning in towards Ali who suddenly wished she hadn’t asked about her girlfriend at all.

     "Okay, so is Ashlyn –"

     “Holy fuck it’s cold out there!” The outburst surprised them all, Ashlyn’s voice echoing down the back hallway. “And you guys really should get new bins or do something to keep the lids from freezing. It took me five minutes just to get the damn things open.”

     She entered the living room, a light dusting of snow on her shoulders and hat. She looked at the group of girls huddled next to the fire, all eyes on her. “Hey Ali,” she said hesitantly. “What’s up?”

     “Nothing!” Sam said quickly, and behind her, Ali raised an eyebrow. “We were just talking about the snow.”

     “Ahh, right.” Ashlyn stood in the doorway awkwardly, swinging her arms. Ali met her eye, giving her a quizzical look and as Sam turned to Olivia, Ashlyn just shrugged. “Okay, well let me grab these other bags.”

     She crossed over to the dining room, out of view, and immediately Sam put her finger to her lips as she looked over at Olivia’s Cheshire cat grin. Christen looked over at Ali as if to ask _what the hell?_  and Ali just shook her head in response. “What –" she started, directed at Sam but all she got in response was a frantic hand waving at her.

     “Just a second,” she whispered, looking back as Ashlyn came into view again, the remaining trash bags in her hands.

     “Okay weirdoes, I’ll be right back,” she said, rolling her eyes and going to the back door.

     As soon as they heard the door close, Ali looked between Sam and Olivia. “What the hell are you two on about?” she asked.

     Olivia took a breath to speak, but Sam interrupted her, “Oh my God, Ashlyn is _so_ fucking hot,” she said, and Ali could only blink in response.

     “What?” she asked, shaking her head to clear the sudden flare of jealousy in her chest.

     “She is! I don’t know if it’s like the whole band thing or the super tomboyish thing but oh my _God_ ,” she repeated, eyes as wide as the grin on her face.

     Ali furrowed her brow. “Hold on, you –“ but she felt Christen pinch her side. She cut her eyes over where her friend was subtly shaking her head.

     “Is she single?” Sam asked and again Ali could only blink.

     “Is she single,” Ali echoed, but it came out as a statement, her words flat. Her brain was firing on all cylinders; pure red hot anger on one side with a stint of fear of her impulsive desire to stake immediate and unquestionable claim. She also felt a quiet, rational part that tried to calmly explain that this is exactly what is to be expected when you keep your relationship to a select few. She tried her hardest to not hate Sam, someone she’d previously had no problem with and actually enjoyed being around.

     Sam whipped her head around, checking the back door before speaking again conspiratorially. “I’ve been trying to flirt with her all morning but I can’t get a read.”

     “You should just kiss her,” Olivia said, rolling her eyes. “That’s the next step considering you’ve been throwing yourself at her. It’s a wonder you’ve gotten any cleaning done.”

     Christen laughed out loud, a sudden loud sound that surprised Ali and the other two. They all jumped, and the forward clapped a hand to her mouth, eyes wide and amused. “Sorry,” she said, sound muffled by her fingers. “Go ahead.”

     Ali cleared her head, turning to Sam. “I didn’t know you were …”

     “Gay?” she asked and Ali nodded her head. “Oh, I’m not.”

     Another blank look in which Ali tried not to insert her bitchiest smirk. “So … why are you talking about Ashlyn then?”

     Sam grinned slyly, leaning in for effect. “You don’t have to be from Italy to appreciate Italian food.”

     Christen laughed out loud again, Ali recognizing the sound as nervous laughter. Sam and Olivia joined in, the noise clanging around Ali’s head. She wrinkled her nose up and it was clearly misread, Sam leaning in and grabbing Ali’s forearm. “Girl, don’t knock it till you try it. It’ll change your life.” She gave Ali a knowing smile and infuriating wink.

* * *

     Half an hour later, Ali followed Ashlyn to her truck, bundled up against the heavier falling snow. They both ran to climb into the cab, wanting to be out of the chill; Ashlyn fumbled to get her keys in the ignition, making a show of shivering under the patches of snow on her coat.

     “Ugh, stupid truck. It’s gonna take a few minutes to warm up. Are you sure you want to hang out here? I’ll be back later, you know,” Ashlyn said, blowing into her cupped hands.

     “Sam wants to bang you,” Ali said abruptly, turning to Ashlyn with her arms folded across her chest. “Or rather, she wants you to bang her.”

     Ashlyn chuckled once, “Ooh, give her my number.” When she read Ali’s quick death glare, her narrowed eyes cutting into her, she continued, “Hey, we’re here remember? We’re both single and ready to mingle on these grounds.”

     Ali frowned, trying to choose her words carefully. “You haven’t been acting very single in my bed for the last four nights.”

     “Has it been four already?” Ashlyn pretended to ponder. “Time flies. Anyway, I’m basically single any time I step outside of your room.”

     “Oh really?” Ali challenged, raising an eyebrow. “Are you sure you want to claim that?”

     Ashlyn held her hands up in defense. “Hey, this is your call, babe. You know how I feel about it.”

     Ali chewed on her lip, “You were here this morning with everyone. Doesn’t that count for something?”

     “Yeah, it was great to finally get to wake up in your bed at a nice time today rather than have you sneak me out before anyone woke up and go through a whole production pretending like I wasn’t sitting in the kitchen eating a peanut butter sandwich at 3 AM.” Ali looked at her quizzically, “What? Protein is good after a workout.”

     Despite her annoyance, Ali grinned, shaking her head. “You’re a lunatic.”

     “I don’t want to bang Sam, babe,” Ashlyn said, reaching across to take Ali’s hand. “I’m having too much fun banging you.”

     Ali rolled her eyes, but she started running her fingers between Ashlyn’s. “I know, I know. It’s on me. I just hated hearing that – how she thought you were ‘so fucking hot’ and ‘oh my God’ and ‘you should just kiss her’.”

     Ashlyn’s eyebrows shot into her forehead. “She said what now?”

     “Don’t test me, Harris,” Ali grumbled, shooting Ashlyn a look.

     “Hey,” Ashlyn said, softly smiling, “It’s not on you.”

     “Of course it is,” Ali whined. “I didn’t want anyone to know and now because no one knows and you’re hanging around, of _course_ some of the girls want to sleep with you and I can’t say anything because I’m an idiot.”

     “Stop,” Ashlyn admonished. “You’re not being an idiot.” She reached over to tilt Ali’s head up with the tips of her fingers. “You’re going at your own pace. I mean, yeah, I want us to be out but not at the expense of you not feeling ready. It’s not your fault I’m a chick magnet.”

     “You’re still testing me,” she sighed, rubbing a hand over her eyes. “I’m sorry though. I know you wanted to talk about it for real before Christmas. We’ve just been so busy with everything; I haven’t had time.”

     “It’s okay,” Ashlyn shrugged, and knew it was half true. “I’m not in a rush.” Ali gave her a disbelieving look and Ashlyn shook her head. “Okay, okay. I’m in a rush, but only a small one. The tiniest of rushes.”

     “I _have_ been thinking about it, even if I haven’t said anything,” Ali said, looking at her earnestly. “And I’m ready.”

     “Ready?” Ashlyn asked hopefully, “Like, ‘ready’ ready?”

     Ali grinned, “Is there another kind? Yeah, ‘ready’ ready.”

     “Fuck!” Ashlyn exclaimed, eyes going wide with excitement. “Babe, I – That’s so – when?”

     “If it’s okay, can we wait until after Christmas to go full People magazine on everyone?” Ali asked, quirking her cheek. “I’m not trying to stall, I promise. It’s just kind of big and Christmas is in a week and a half. We can do the whole ‘hi this is my girlfriend’ thing when we come back in January. Is that alright with you?”

     “Yeah, of course,” Ashlyn gushed. Truthfully, she knew she’d accept anything so long as there was a real timeline.

     “Good,” Ali said, smiling at her. “I can’t wait to see the look on Sam’s face when she realizes she was talking about fucking my girlfriend.”

     “That’s gonna be hilarious,” Ashlyn agreed, squeezing Ali’s fingers. Suddenly, her eyes went wide. “Hey, you think she’d be into a threesome?”

     Immediately, off Ali’s look, Ashlyn backtracked. “Cause that would be disgusting.”

* * *

     “Oh, I’ve missed you,” Allie said, collapsing onto Ashlyn’s lap as she reclined on an outdoor futon. She stretched out next to her, shifting and sliding until they were nestled together, heads touching.

     “I’ve missed you too, Pookie,” Ashlyn said, leaning up to kiss Allie’s temple. “Boulder isn’t as cool as it could be without you.”

     “I’m sorry,” Allie replied, kicking off her flip flops and digging her toes into Ashlyn’s bare calves. “North Carolina is fun though. We could’ve stayed the dream team if you’d come with me.”

     “But Bati would’ve been jealous,” Ashlyn said, grinning over at her.

     “Probably,” Allie conceded, “He knows I love you way more than I’ll ever love him.”

     “I wonder why we never ran away together,” Ashlyn said, twining their hands together.

     “Because we don’t want to ever have sex with each other,” Allie deadpanned.

     “Good enough reason,” Ashlyn said, and was interrupted in her next thought by a sudden vibration underneath her.

     “I say we don’t want to have sex with each other and you pull out a vibrator. Geez, you don’t know how to listen,” Allie cracked, but rolled her eyes when she saw the caller ID. “Again?”

     “Fuck off,” Ashlyn said, elbowing her. “Hey babe.”

     “’Baaabe’,” Allie mocked, pushing Ashlyn away until she had no choice but to get up from the futon.

     “Hey,” Ali replied, and Ashlyn had to stick a finger in her other ear to hear whatever she said next, a dull roar muddling her words into white noise.

     “I can’t hear you!” Ashlyn said, turning in circles as though maybe proper cell reception would make the racket stop.

     “Hold on!” Ali shouted, and then more noise. Ashlyn cringed at the sounds in her ear until suddenly, she heard the tinkling of a small bell, a distinct thud, and then it was just Ali’s heavy breathing. “Okay,” she said triumphantly. “Hi!”

     “Hey there,” Ashlyn grinned, “What are you doing?”

     “Sorry! I was walking through town. There’s a blizzard here. I had to jump into a store so you could hear me.” In the background, Ashlyn heard the rustling of her coat and imagined Ali unzipping her layers in sudden stifling heat from inside a shop.

     “Ooh, a blizzard. That’s too bad,” Ashlyn said, turning to face the ocean. “I’m in shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops.”

     “Oh go to Hell,” Ali said, laughing. “I’ve been frozen for days. It wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t just come from a winter wonderland back at school.”

     “Can’t relate,” Ashlyn said simply, shrugging though Ali couldn’t see her.

     “ _Anyway_ ,” Ali started, and Ashlyn could picture her perfect eye roll, “How are you?”

     “I’m good,” Ashlyn replied, leaning against the white railing and looking down into where Allie’s parent’s patio led out onto the beach. “I’m hanging out with Allie.”

     “And just like that, I’ve been replaced,” Ali teased. “You didn’t even get original with a new name.”

     “Shut up,” Ashlyn grinned, turning her back to the ocean. “You’re such a dork.”

     From the futon, Allie made a show of pretending to gag and throw up onto the ground. Ashlyn shot her the middle finger and her friend just rolled over, pulling out a trashy magazine and beginning to flip through it.

     “I miss you,” Ali said quietly, and Ashlyn’s heart swooned. “I forgot what it’s like to not see you every day.”

     “It sucks,” Ashlyn agreed, jamming her free hand into her pocket. “I wish …” She became aware of Allie looking over the top of her magazine and she flipped back around, talking quietly into the speaker. “I wish I were with you right now. Even in the cold.”

     “You’d brave the cold for me, Florida girl? You’d give up your shorts?” Ali said, and Ashlyn could picture her smile so vividly that her chest began to ache.

     “Baby for you, I’d always give up my shorts. But yes, I would brave all of the cold just to see you right now. I’d go to Antarctica in my underwear just to kiss you right at this moment.”

     She hadn’t spoken soft enough; from behind her, Allie made another exaggerated gagging noise. Ashlyn waved a hand vaguely in her direction, trying to quiet her.

     “Mmm, I wish I could hold you to it. It’d be funny watching you run around in your underwear with the penguins,” Ali said, and then there was a muffling noise. “Yeah? I’m here, Mom. Okay, I’m coming.” There was another scrape across the receiver and then Ali’s voice came in clearly once more. “I’ve gotta go. We have _more_ shopping to do.”

     “What was Black Friday for?” Ashlyn asked, incredulous. “You bought enough for fifty people!”

     “Bye Ash,” Ali said, kissing the receiver. “I’ll call you later.”

     “Looking forward to it, beautiful. Bye.”

     Ashlyn hung up the phone, shoving it deep into her back pocket before whirling around to face Allie who had laid out flat, the magazine covering her eyes as she looked up into the hazy winter sun. “What the hell was that?” she asked, crossing over and kicking at Allie’s foot hanging off the end.

     “It was me being tired of being interrupted by your sorority girlfriend,” Allie said, reaching up to pull the magazine off her face. “You’re with _me_ , Ash, your best friend who you don’t get to see but twice a year. Maybe spend time with me.”

     Ashlyn frowned, pushing Allie’s legs over so she could sit at the bottom of the futon. “Come on, Al,” she said, nudging her. “It was fast! We were only talking for like a minute!”

     “Yeah, it was a minute. And earlier it was 5 minutes. And this morning it was 8 minutes. I know you’re an art major, but it’s pretty simple math,” Allie griped, lifting her knee so she was out of Ashlyn’s grasp.

     “I love her, Al,” Ashlyn said pleadingly.

     It worked; Allie slid the magazine from her face, looking down at Ashlyn with a raised eyebrow. “What’s that?” she asked.

     “I love her. I’m in love with her,” Ashlyn repeated, turning more towards her. “I haven’t talked about it yet with you; I was waiting until we got here.”

     “Because you expected me to jump for joy with you?” Allie sat up, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Ash, you told me you met this girl in September.”

     “I did.”

     “And you guys first hooked up on Halloween.”

     “We didn’t ‘hook up’,” Ashlyn said, annoyed. “I told you that we’d been flirting and talking and stuff and then it just happened. It’s not like it was wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am and she left. She stayed the night.”

     “Don’t you live in a triple?”

     “Allie.”

     “Ashlyn.”

     Ashlyn sighed deeply, tilting her head when she met Allie’s gaze again. “Please?”

     Allie took a deep breath, exhaling in a huff. “I don’t know … Isn’t it just… fast? It seems fast.”

     “You don’t know her,” Ashlyn said defensively. “You don’t know –“

     “Oh God, please don’t say ‘you don’t know us’ like this is a Disney movie.”

     “What do you want me to say then? You want me to be like ‘Oh well, it might be serious but Allie thinks it’s too fast so I guess I think it’s too fast’?”

     “Maybe _Ali_ thinks it’s too fast considering she doesn’t even want to tell people you’re dating.”

     Immediately, Ashlyn clamped her mouth shut, fighting against the thick feeling in her throat. It felt stupid and she chastised herself for it, but she could feel angry tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. “That’s not fair,” she gritted through her teeth.

     Allie sighed, leaning forward to take Ashlyn in her arms. “It wasn’t. That was fucked up, I’m sorry.” She kissed Ashlyn’s forehead and mussed her hair. “I’m sorry. I’m protective of you, Pooks. Sometimes that means I say super shitty things. It was uncool.”

     “She _does_ want people to know,” Ashlyn muttered, crossing her arms. “We talked about it before we left for break.”

     “Yeah? That’s great,” Allie said, and Ashlyn wondered how much enthusiasm was making up for hurting her feelings.

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “She wants to start telling people when we’re back in January.”

     “Then you guys have a plan, that’s awesome.” When she read Ashlyn’s skeptical look, she held her hands up in defense. “Hey, I said I was sorry and I am. If you guys are where you want to be and _you’re_ happy, then I’m happy. I’m ready to cheer you guys on.”

     “Really?” Ashlyn asked, giving her a small smile.

     “Really,” Allie nodded. She shoved her lightly, nodding down. “So let’s see a picture, then. I haven’t been able to judge if she’s good enough for my best friend.”

     “God, she’s so out of my league, Al,” Ashlyn said, digging for her phone. “She’s a fucking masterpiece of a human being.”

     “No naked pictures!” Allie screamed, smothering the phone with her hands.

     “Those are hidden,” Ashlyn said with a wink, scrolling through the album. “Here’s a good one – we were playing in the snow.”

     “Wow,” Allie said, taking the phone. “She could be a model.”

     “I know,” Ashlyn gushed, looking down at the screen with pride. “God, Al, she’s so beautiful. I can hardly stand it sometimes.”

     “It just gives me faith in God, you know.”

     “What does?”

     “That someone that gorgeous is with a toad like you.”

     “Fuck off,” Ashlyn said, laughing and shoving Allie down on the futon.

* * *

     “Merry Christmas!” Ali exclaimed into the phone, curling onto the couch with her feet tucked under her. She set down the laptop she’d been carrying, opening the lid and typing while exclaiming, “Merry Christmas, merry Christmas, merry Christmas!”

     “Merry Christmas!” Ashlyn echoed with a chuckle. “Someone’s awake.”

     “Been up since five,” Ali gushed, reaching to grab a throw blanket. “Kyle and I unwrap our presents early so we can wake our parents up with coffee and watch them unwrap theirs. If you think I’m chipper, you should talk with him.”

     “I’d like that, actually,” Ashlyn yawned. “I’ve heard an awful lot about him but no face or voice to put with the stories.”

     “We can Skype again later,” Ali said, and rolled her eyes at Ashlyn’s devilish chuckle. “So you can meet my brother, you gross.”

     “Oh, okay then. That’s fun,” Ashlyn replied, and then quieter: “But after that, we can Skype again like we did the day before yesterday.”

     “So did you open all of your presents?” Ali asked, changing tracks. “I want to hear all about it.”

     “I did! Got some new shoes, a personalized guitar strap from my grandma, and a few gift cards. Pretty standard but cool college kid Christmas fare.” Ashlyn said, and there was a rustling on her end of the line. “Also, as instructed, I didn’t open yours yet. How did you get my address?”

     “I have ways,” Ali said, waggling her eyebrows.

     “You asked Kelley to sneak, didn’t you?”

     “Stop decoding my ways and open your present.”

     “Alright Princess, don’t get your crown all dented,” Ashlyn said, shouldering the phone so she could start ripping the packing tape off of the rather large box. “Good God, what did you send me woman?” she asked, turning the heavy box over to pull the last bit off. Upon opening the flaps, she found two smaller boxes, both ornately gift wrapped. “You wrapped them?”

     “Of course I did,” Ali said, affronted. “They’re Christmas presents.”

     “But they were already wrapped,” Ashlyn said, taking the larger of the two parcels out and beginning to pull at the paper. “In the UPS box.”

     “Keep unwrapping,” Ali said, and laughed when she heard Ashlyn’s appreciative hoot.

     “A new grinder!” she exclaimed, once the picture of the power tool on the box was visible through ripped strips of Santa paper. “God, I’ve needed one of these,” she said, admiring the label.

     “I know,” Ali replied. “That’s the point. I know you said you had to use the shitty ones at school for your sculptures so I wanted you to have a nice one of your own.”

     “Where did you get this?” Ashlyn asked. “How did you know what to get?”

     “Okay, I had one of the most rewarding experiences of my life walking through Home Depot, thank you very much. I was all ‘hey, where can I find this grinder blah blah blah’ and the guy directed me to the aisle. He obviously thought I didn’t know what I was looking for but I came prepared with all of the info so I told him I knew and he was all impressed. I felt super butch,” Ali said proudly.

     “Regular construction worker,” Ashlyn snorted. “It’s great. Thank you babe. I love it.”

     “Okay okay, now open the other one. If it’s possible, I’m prouder of that one,” Ali said, impatiently hopping in place.

     “I should go slowly,” Ashlyn said, and Ali heard the slowest ripping noise, imagining Ashlyn pulling delicately. “Really savor what’s probably the best Christmas present in the world.”

     “Or you can move your ass so you can tell me what a good job I did,” Ali grumbled. “Hurry up.”

     “So pushy, Princess,” Ashlyn laughed, and then the ripping began in earnest. “Okay, got the paper off, and there’s a nondescript box. Okay. Sliding my thumb in, ripping the tape. Opening the flaps, it’s sliding out – Okay, MORE wrapping?”

     “It’s tissue paper you whiner, it’ll take a second. Go on.”

     “Continuing to unwrap this gift and it’s open and – And …” Ashlyn trailed off, the static on the line continuing.

     “Ash?” Ali asked, “Are you there?”

     “Yeah, Ali … I … Babe, this is great.” Ali knew from the tone of her voice that she’d done well. She pictured Ashlyn turning the leather pouch over in her hands, sliding her fingers over the tanned hide and unwrapping the thick leather cord, revealing a row of shiny, silver metalworking tools. Ali didn’t know much about metal sculpting, but the sales associate at the art store assured her that it was one of the best sets they had available.

     “Look at the back,” Ali said, grinning at Ashlyn’s stunned silence.

     “’To my favorite artist, Love, Ali’,” Ashlyn read, and then paused again. “Baby, these are wonderful.”

     “I mean, they’re also kind of something you _needed_ and not something you wanted, I suppose,” Ali explained. “I know you had those from the school too, but a real artist needs her own stuff to work with.”

     “No, this is perfect. I love it. I love it so much,” Ashlyn breathed into the phone. “Baby, I love _you_.”

     They both went silent, but comfortably. Ali grinned into the phone, her cheeks aching with the effort. She nuzzled further into the couch, the blanket high up around her; Ashlyn’s words echoed in her ears and she felt her heart would burst with happiness each time they made a pass. “Yeah?” she asked in a whisper, wanting to draw them out again.

     “Yes,” Ashlyn emphasized, releasing her held breath. “Baby, I love you. I love you so much.”

     “This is a great Christmas gift,” Ali said, pulling at a loose thread on her blanket. “Something I very much wanted.”

     “I’ll always give you what you want,” Ashlyn replied, murmuring into the phone.

     “But it makes me think … I haven’t given you something you want yet, only things you needed,” Ali trailed off, listening to the silence.

     “Don’t be crazy,” Ashlyn said, “These gifts are wonderful.”

     “I’m glad you like them, but I was thinking more about something else … Something I can give you right now,” Ali said, reaching to pull the laptop to her. “Give me a second,” she added, typing and clicking away. “Okay … Do you have a computer around you?”

     “Yeah, gimme a sec,” Ashlyn said, and there was rustling on her line, followed by the clicking of keys. “What now?”

     “Log into Facebook,” Ali said with a grin, watching her screen. “Do you have any notifications?”

     “I do …” Ashlyn trailed off, and each click of the mouse raised Ali’s anticipation. “It’s from you. It says … Ali Krieger has requested to tag you in a … relationship status. Ali …”

     “Well are you going to click yes?” Ali asked, rolling her eyes. “This is worse than those notes you pass in third grade.”

     “Of fucking course I’m clicking yes!” She laughed. “Baby, are you sure? I thought you said –“

     “I know what I said, but this is what I had planned. I couldn’t very well tell you that could I?” Ali said, thoroughly enjoying the excitement in Ashlyn’s voice. “I know it’s not something tangible but…”

     “This is the best fucking Christmas I’ve ever had in my life,” Ashlyn said seriously. “I’m through the fucking roof. I’m just … Baby, I know you’re gonna get sick of hearing it and if you’re not ready that’s okay, I understand but I have to tell you: I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

     “I love hearing it,” Ali replied quietly. “I could hear that all day.”

     “I would absolutely say it all day too, but I’m guessing it would interfere with your Christmas plans, huh?”

     “Yeah, I think my parents would have a problem with my phone on speaker at the dinner table, listening to you say how much you love me over and over. Typically it’s just Christmas carols you know?”

     “Tell them it’s new wave Christmas music. They’ll be into it,” Ashlyn teased, and yawned. “God, you’ve set the bar for the day babe. It’s not even 8:30 yet.”

     “I aim for perfection,” Ali replied, listening to the sounds of her mother and brother laughing from the kitchen. “I’ll call you later?”

     “I’m counting the minutes, beautiful. I’ll talk to you later. Guess what?”

     “What?” Ali asked, grinning with her tongue between her teeth, knowing very well what was coming.

     “I love you,” Ashlyn said simply, and Ali’s heart hammered away in her chest.

     “Merry Christmas, baby,” Ali replied, lingering before clicking ‘end’.

* * *

     “AK!” Kyle shouted, body slamming her onto her bed.

     “Oof,” Ali grunted from underneath him, trying to wriggle out of his grasp. “I thought you moved past trying wrestler moves on me.”

     “Yeah, that was short lived,” he replied, shifting so Ali could roll from under him. “It was way too masculine for me, but my appreciation for the outfits never faded.”

     “Fair enough,” Ali said with a grin, sitting up to slide on her house slippers. “Is it time for the movie?”

     “Mhmm. Mom sent me to get you. We thought you were on the phone _again_ ,” Kyle said, rolling his eyes. “I’m just kidding. Not about the phone part – I did expect to find you up here having Skype sex again.”

     “That _wasn’t_ what we were doing,” Ali insisted, but her cheeks turned pink. “She was showing me the new boxer briefs her brother got her for Christmas.”

     “Siblings shouldn’t buy each other underwear,” Kyle wrinkled his nose. “That’s awkward.”

     “Oh yeah, cause you and I have never done weird shit. Come on, loser,” Ali said, shutting off her light and leaving him in the dark.

     They went into the kitchen, Ali snagging one of the freshly made cookies off of a cooling plate. “These look great, Mom!” she gushed, taking a bite and feeling the warm chocolate chips melt in her mouth. “They taste great too.”

     “Thanks Alex,” Deb replied, opening the oven to slide another tray in. “They’re for the party tonight. I think we have everything we need. What do you guys think?”

     Kyle looked around the kitchen: every surface was covered in a tray or two of food, lots of hors d’oeuvres and desserts, an ornate cake and a whole countertop was devoted to multiple bottles of champagne. “I think we’re covered,” he said. “Unless that _second_ army comes through in which case we might be close.”

     “She does this every year, why are you surprised?” Ali asked, and her mom winked at her. “How many are coming?”

     “I think I had the last RSVP count at 45,” Deb said, licking a bit of icing from her fingers.

     “Geez,” Ali said, and her mom smacked her hand when she reached for another cookie. “The usual crowd?”

     “Just about,” Deb nodded. “I hope we have enough champagne for the ball drop at midnight.”

     “Unless that one lady who wears the blue hat comes, I think we’ll be okay,” Kyle joked. “Didn’t we have to limit her to two bottles on her own last year?”

     “Stop it,” Deb chided, but she hid a smile. “That’s your great aunt Linda.”

     “Great aunt Linda is a lush,” he replied, eyebrows raising.

     “Can you guys do me a favor and clear the back table over there?” Deb asked, pointing towards the other side of the room. “I think we’ve got everything just about done and picked up but there’s some miscellaneous items. Alex, you have some mail over there actually.”

     “Sure,” they said at the same time, wandering over to collect their individual items. Ali pocketed the headphones she’d been missing for two days, and stacked the German exchange program brochure from school on top of one of her textbooks, carrying them out of the room and up the stairs.

     “So who are you kissing at midnight?” Kyle asked, bumping into her shoulder. “Or are you going to be gross and kiss Ashlyn on Skype?”

     Ali stuck her tongue out. “Whatever.”

     “Mhmm,” Kyle replied, rolling his eyes. “Girl you’ve got it so bad, don’t you?” Ali grinned back at him and he nodded. “Yep, it’s right there, all over your face.”

     “She’s perfect, Kyle,” Ali breathed, turning on her light before setting her items down on her desk. “I’ve only known her for like, 3 months and I’m just …”

     She looked up at him, amused smile on his face. “You’re just?”

     “Don’t make fun of me,” Ali started, pointing a finger at him.

     “I would never,” Kyle said, crossing his heart.

     Ali sighed, leaning back against her desk chair. “It’s real,” she said softly, smiling down at the carpet. “I don’t even … I don’t doubt that it’s real. I don’t feel a single thing telling me to hold back.”

     “Then don’t,” Kyle said, and Ali looked up to see the sincerity. “Don’t hold back for a second.”

     Ali smiled widely, nodding. “It’s okay to be totally clichéd sometimes right?”

     “If you can pull it off,” he said with a snort. “Otherwise I’ll make fun of you forever.”

* * *

     “You ready?” Ali asked over the line, and Ashlyn grabbed a plastic flute of champagne from the dining table at Allie’s before heading out onto the porch, looking up at all of the fireworks going off.

     “In about a minute it’s not my call anymore to be ready,” she joked, looking at her watch. “How much time do you have?”

     “A minute and 5 seconds … 4 seconds,” Ali said, and there was a roar and the sound of another bottle cork popping in Ashlyn’s ear.

     “Any regrets from 2011?” Ashlyn asked quickly. “You better get them out fast and leave them here.”

     “That B in Professor Lake’s class from spring semester,” Ali grumbled.

     “Are you going to do your homework next year? Avoid the same regret in 2012?”

     “I did do my homework! Don’t start that with me Ashlyn Harris. I’d hate to begin the New Year by yelling at you.”

     “Hey, I met you when you were yelling at me and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened. I’ll take it,” Ashlyn said, running her finger along the rim of her glass.

     “Cheeseball,” Ali said, but Ashlyn could hear the joy in her voice. “Okay, we’re down to thirty seconds. Any regrets?”

     Ashlyn paused for a moment, doing a quick rundown on the year. Even the things that stuck out as less than pleasing, every road led to this moment here on Allie’s parents’ porch, phone pressed to her ear while her girlfriend waited for an answer over eight hundred miles away. She grinned to herself, allowing the loud boom from an overhead firework shell to pass before saying, “Not a single one.”

     Inside, she heard the party start yelling, “Fifteen! Fourteen! Thirteen!”

     “You ready?” Ashlyn asked, shouting over the noise on the line at Ali’s party.

     “Ready!” Ali replied. “Ten! Nine! Eight!”

     “Seven!”

     “Six!”

     “Five! Four!”

     “Three! Two!”

     “One!” They screamed together.

     “Happy New Year baby!” Ashlyn yelled into the phone, the din from a firework rampage drowning out her voice. “Happy New Year Ali!”

     She pressed the phone harder to her ear, trying to distinguish partygoers from her girlfriend’s voice, and she could; Ali was definitely yelling something.

     “What? Babe! Yell louder!” Ashlyn said, jamming her finger into her other ear.

     “You!” Ali said, and Ashlyn screwed her eyes closed to focus on her voice. “Love you! I love you! Ashlyn, I love you!”

     Her blood ran hot in her veins, her heart so full of adrenaline that she knew if she tried, she could probably fly. “Baby?” she asked, full of hope. “What’d you say baby?”

     “I love you!” Ali yelled again, though a break in the fireworks and it was clearly distinguishable. “Ashlyn Harris, I love you!”

     “You love me,” Ashlyn stated, her face breaking into an incredulous smile. “You love me.”

     “I love you,” Ali repeated again, this time quieter as the noise on her side started to fade. Ashlyn heard a door close on the line, and then just Ali’s racing breath. “I love you, Ashlyn. Yes, I love you.”

     There was a charged silence; Ashlyn was so elated that she wanted to do anything, say anything. She felt her body saturated with energy and wildly wished to be where Ali was, wished she could take her in her arms, hold her forever. She loved her, Ali Krieger loved her; the idea sounded absurd in her own brain but then she didn’t have to try to believe herself anymore because Ali spoke again.

     “I love you, baby,” Ali said quietly, her breathing calmer. “I do so much.”

     “On New Year’s,” Ashlyn choked out through thrilled laughter. “Of course you’d want to make a dramatic statement.”

     “I wanted the first words I said this year to be the most important,” Ali said simply.

     “Okay, _that’s_ a statement,” Ashlyn revised, sinking down next to the side of the house, nestled against the railing. “God baby, I love you too.”

     “You better,” Ali replied with a burst of laughter. “You’re stuck with me now.”

     “Wouldn’t wanna be stuck with anyone else,” Ashlyn said.

     They stayed on the phone for a long time, watching the sun come up for the first time in the year; from different states but in the same place in their hearts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, that last line is cheesy but I only regret like 12% of it. Thanks for being patient!


	14. i got a secret that i wanna show you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn get frustrated with their lack of privacy, but Ashlyn has a trick up her sleeve.

    “Are you sure you closed the door?” Ali sighed, the end of her sentence converting to a low moan. She threaded her hands around Ashlyn’s shoulders, raking her nails gently into the neckline of her t-shirt. Ashlyn shuddered, her lips dragging along Ali’s neck.

    “Yeah,” she breathed, licking a stripe along her jawline. She raised up onto her knees, both hands pressing Ali’s hips down into the mattress.

    “Positive?” Ali asked, canting her pelvis up towards where Ashlyn started dancing her fingertips along the waistband of her jeans.

    Ashlyn ran both hands along the top button and zipper, not stopping when they reached the bottom and instead spreading out down the inseam of both of Ali’s thighs. “Yeah,” she answered, looking up into Ali’s eyes, “It’s shut.”

    “Then take these off,” Ali demanded, jutting her hips up once more. She kept eye contact with Ashlyn as long as she could, biting on the corner of her lip; she broke first though, her eyelids fluttering shut when Ashlyn lowered her head down to the bottom hemline of her shirt, barely inching it up to kiss along her abdomen.

    “Yes ma’am,” Ashlyn said, grinning against Ali’s skin. She reached her hands underneath her chin, taking her time to pop the button free agonizingly slow; Ali groaned in annoyance, surging off the mattress and pressing herself into Ashlyn’s face. The blonde laughed out loud, pinning her back down again. “Eager, are we?”

    “Don’t pretend,” Ali panted, writhing slowly when Ashlyn began to inch her shirt up again, ghosting her fingertips over the lightly defined vee of her hips left bare from her low-rise jeans. “You were practically begging for this on text this morning,” she finished, biting her lip to stop the next moan when Ashlyn eased her zipper down.

    “Mmm, good point,” Ashlyn murmured, using both hands to hold open either side of the opened zipper, teeth gently nipping at Ali’s exposed lacy underwear. She readjusted herself, sliding her body down between Ali’s splayed legs and nestling to a more comfortable position, leaning forward again to kiss the top line of lace. “I like these,” she commented, licking a line parallel, chuckling when she felt Ali tremble beneath her.

    “ _Ashlyn_ ,” Ali pleaded, rolling her hips from side to side. “Stop teasing me,” she added, gasping when the blonde reached up to hook her fingers into either side of Ali’s jeans and underwear, bringing them down millimeters at a time. The pace was far too slow for Ali; she grabbed a fistful of sheet in each hand, willing herself to allow Ashlyn her fun.

    “Smooth,” Ashlyn whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Ali’s bare skin, “Not a hint of razor burn.”

    “’Cause I wax,” Ali sighed, her breath stilling when Ashlyn swiped her tongue across the sensitive flesh. “Less chance for irritation that way.”

    “Well, pass my compliments along,” Ashlyn smiled, bringing Ali’s jeans down just _that_ much farther and kissing the newly visible skin. “Well, well, well … What do we have here?” Ashlyn slid one hand in towards the middle, creating more space right where Ali wanted her to, tugging until her middle finger extended and gathered a bit of wetness from between Ali’s folds. “Just what I was looking for,” she remarked, leaning forward and placing a kiss there.

    “I swear to God, if you don’t fucking – ah!”

    Not the exclamation Ashlyn wished to hear, it seemed that everything happened all at once: she was first aware of Ali’s squeak of fright, and didn’t have time to move before she tried to close her legs, jostling Ashlyn who was perched at the end of the small bed. “Whoa!” Ashlyn yelped, her wobbling unassisted by Ali who was trying to burrow into the comforter. All of this, and it was only when she fully tumbled from atop her bed that she realized Alyssa had walked into the room.

    “Hey guys – ahh!” Alyssa yelled, raising her hands suddenly to cover her eyes. “Ashlyn!”

    “Lys! Fuck! I’m just – hold on!” Ashlyn shouted, trying to get upright as she’d landed headfirst, her legs still dangling on the edge of the bed. She swung them down, coming to rest in a heap on the floor. “Ow.”

    “Alyssa! I’m sorry! I _knew_ you didn’t close the door!” Ali hissed, raising the edge of the comforter to give Ashlyn the evil eye.

    “Can you give me a second?” Ashlyn asked her, annoyed. She struggled to stand, rubbing the spot on her elbow that had dragged along the rough carpet. She delayed the inevitable as long as she could, dreading the moment she would make eye contact with her roommate.

    Sure enough, once she looked up, Alyssa was beet red where her hands weren’t covering her face. She was mumbling something against her palms, awkwardly turning in place. Luckily, she’d shut the door when she’d come in so they weren’t giving passersby an interesting tableau to view.

    “Sorry, Lys,” Ashlyn muttered, smoothing out her ruffled t-shirt. I thought I’d shut the door.

    “It’s uh, it’s you know, it’s cool man,” Alyssa replied in a high pitched squeak, only barely lowering her hands to make very quick eye contact before searching around the room. “I didn’t know … I didn’t know you guys were uh – You know.”

    “We’re so, so sorry,” Ali gushed, voice muffled where she had her face covered by Ashlyn’s comforter.

    “Welcome back to school?” Ashlyn tried, chuckling nervously. She rubbed a hand over the back of her neck, and finally it was too much to stand: the three of them silently, independently dying of embarrassment. “So, we made it Facebook official,” Ashlyn joked.

    “I saw,” Alyssa said, desperately grabbing on to any conversation. She smiled at Ashlyn and turned to do the same to Ali, quickly looking back as she watched her rustle underneath the blanket to fasten her jeans back. “Congratulations. Celebrating?”

    “Ha! Yeah,” Ashlyn grinned, face still pink. She gnawed on the edge of her lip for a second, allowing Ali the time to finish, push the blankets back and move to where she could visibly be seen as clothed. “Really though, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d be back yet.”

    “It’s all good,” Alyssa said, waving a hand at them and starting to move back to her side. “The drive took less time than I thought it would. No worries.” She gave her roommate a sheepish smile, nodding once and then heading towards her side to toss her bag onto the bed.

    As she busied herself putting away her things, Ashlyn silently turned to Ali, giving her a questioning look. Ali responded by mouthing, _‘Talk to her!’_ Ashlyn returned a dumbfounded stare, in the middle of trying to figure out how she’d make it through the rest of their time as roommates without ever having to make eye contact with Alyssa again.

    “So, how was your break?” Ali asked politely, turning to swing her legs onto the side of the bed. “Did you have a good Christmas?”

    “Yeah!” Alyssa said, turning while grabbing her clothes from her bag. “It was nice to be around family and stuff. Eat an actual home cooked meal you know?” she smiled, tossing her things into her hamper and nodding at Ali. “What about you?”

    “It was great! My family is super into the holidays so it was nonstop family and friends and celebrating of all kinds. Really nice to be involved but I also don’t feel like I got any rest. I think I could use another week just to recover from break,” Ali replied, shaking her head.

    “Do y’all have any plans for your last weekend of freedom?” Alyssa asked.

    “Yeah,” Ali said. “We’re having a big back to school party on Saturday night. Then probably sleeping off a hangover Sunday,” she grinned over at Ashlyn. “Especially this one. I don’t know if she’s told you, but she’s a lightweight.”

    “I am not,” Ashlyn scoffed. “That’s you, Princess.”

    “No, I can see it,” Alyssa joked. “You go on sugar rushes all of the time. I can’t imagine you hold your alcohol well.”

    “ _Anyway_ ,” Ashlyn said over their shared chuckles, “We’re going to head over to the salvage place. Ali got me these great supplies for Christmas and I could use some new pieces.”

    “Oh yeah! You’ve got that internship interview coming up right?” Alyssa asked, tucking her now empty bag into her wardrobe.

    “End of the month,” Ashlyn replied, giving her a frazzled look. “I’m getting kind of nervous.”

    “You’ll do great, babe, “Ali said, reaching over and touching her arm. “But yeah, let’s head out. We can stop by the liquor store on the way back and start stocking up.”

    Ali headed out first, waving back at Alyssa, but Ashlyn paused at the door. “Hey, just letting you know – you’re flying solo tonight. I’m going to stay over at Ali’s.”

    “Sure,” Alyssa said, rummaging through her top drawer. “Oh hey Ash!” When the blonde turned back, hand on the door, Alyssa gave her a grin. “Lock the door this time okay? I’d hate for you to scar her roommates, too.”

* * *

    “I really should be working on my submissions for my interview,” Ashlyn sighed, leaning her head back until it rested against Ali’s bedroom wall.

    “I’m trying to inspire you,” Ali whispered into her ear, surging forward in her lap.

    They sat at the head of Ali’s bed, new scrap pieces and tool kit abandoned in the corner of the dimly lit room and Ali’s textbook having been shoved to the edge of the mattress, pages rustled by the moving blankets and Ashlyn’s outstretched legs. Ali was perched on Ashlyn’s lap, her knees on either side of the blonde, squeezing to give her more leverage as she began to lightly roll her hips against her.

    Ashlyn tried to silence a moan in her throat, clamping her mouth shut along with her eyelids. “Ali,” she said quietly, “you gotta stop that.”

    “Why?” she asked, gently bringing Ashlyn’s earlobe between her teeth. She reached behind her to grip onto her headboard, grinding harder against her girlfriend. “Is this distracting you?”

    “I think you know the answer to that,” Ashlyn replied breathily, groaning as her hips lifted of their own volition to seek contact. Her hands reached forward, latching onto either side of Ali’s waist, thumbs pressing hard into the divots there as she guided her forward and back.

    “I think,” Ali started, kissing a line from Ashlyn’s ear towards her mouth, “that this is something we should try.”

    “What? Kissing?” Ashlyn hissed in response when Ali nipped at the soft skin right below her jaw. “We’re pretty good at that already.”

    “No, this,” Ali said quietly, moving her hands onto the back of Ashlyn’s shoulders to anchor her as she pressed forward once more, nearly raising up on her knees as she surged into Ashlyn’s chest. “Although, right now you’re currently missing something that might make this more interesting.”

 _I really need to remember not to test her when she’s like this_ , Ali thought, seeing the confusion battle with lust on Ashlyn’s features. Her eyelids fluttered closed again as Ali rolled forward, exhaling loudly and leaning forward to kiss the exposed column of her throat. “I’m … what?”

    Ali sighed in partial annoyance, though happy that she was able to distract her so fully. “Toys,” she said, slowing to a stop to give Ashlyn a chance to focus.

    She watched the lust give over first to surprise, then excitement, and start circling back towards desire, biting her lip against the laugh that threatened to come from Ashlyn’s rapidly changing expressions. “Yeah?” she asked.

    “Mhmm,” Ali replied, nodding her head. She began to rock forward again, licking her lip when Ashlyn directed her hips more forcefully than before. “I think it might be worth … looking into.”

    “Abso-fucking-lutely,” Ashlyn murmured enthusiastically, wrapping her hands around Ali’s waist and pressing them together, sliding her palms up her spine. “Let’s go right now. There’s that store over on Jefferson. We can go and be back to try it out in about twenty minutes.” When Ali grinned against her lips, Ashlyn pulled back. “I’ll drive!”

    Ali just shook her head, framing Ashlyn’s face and kissing her deeply. “I love your enthusiasm but it’s probably not a good idea,” she said, and smiled when Ashlyn’s mouth became passive as she pouted. “Thin walls, my love.”

    “I can be quiet like a ninja,” Ashlyn said, raising her eyebrows. She pushed forward until she was uprooting Ali, holding onto her with one arm as she lowered her down on her back. “I can be so silent, just give me a chance.” She thrust her hips forward, Ali’s legs lifting to wrap around her waist.

    “You could,” Ali whispered against her lips, “but I definitely wouldn’t be able to …”

    Ashlyn kissed her deeply, unable to resist a moment longer. The time ticked by, punctuated by an increasing number of gasps and sighs as the two of them writhed on the bed, sliding against each other and doing their best to illicit reactions. It was Ashlyn who pulled away first, pressing against the underside of Ali’s thighs to hold herself up, chest heaving from exertion.

    “Damn you,” she muttered, reaching up to wipe her lips. “Now I can’t think of anything else.”

    “That’s the idea,” Ali said, waggling her eyebrows. “It sounds like we need to find some serious alone time.”

    “Or a gag for you,” Ashlyn teased, reaching to rub her thumb across Ali’s bottom lip.

    “Ooh, that’s another genius idea.” Ali’s eyes flashed, sending a thrill up Ashlyn’s spine. “Some ties … maybe a paddle.”

    “Fuck,” Ashlyn breathed, collapsing forward again to kiss her, sliding her tongue along the ridge of her teeth. Ali giggled at first, quickly adapting to a humming string of moans as Ashlyn moved to straddle one of her legs, pressing a thigh up against Ali’s groin.

    Ashlyn began to hope for progression straight into sex, especially considering the way Ali’s gentle nips had turned into more insistent bites on her neck, trying to silence her sounds against Ashlyn’s skin. It was all for naught: with three quick knocks on the door, she felt her optimism rapidly diminishing.

    “Ali?” It was Julia, hesitantly calling through the door. “Are you guys decent?”

    Immediately Ali was squirming free, pushing Ashlyn away until they were mostly sitting up in the bed, running her fingers through her hair for a quick detangle. “Yep. Yeah – come in.”

    Her roommate pushed the door open slowly, peaking her head around with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I know you said you were … studying.”

    “Yep,” Ali said with a cheeky grin, picking up her long forgotten textbook. “I’ve got a capstone course so I’m trying to get a jump start.”

    “The semester hasn’t even begun and you’re already at it,” Ashlyn said, surreptitiously rearranging her bunched jeans. “What an all-star.”

    Julia smiled knowingly, but jerked her head back towards the door. “Sorry, I wouldn’t ask but we’re trying to get some of the other details ready for that Greek life presentation next week and we wanted to have a quick meeting. Can you come down?”

    “Of course!” Ali said, immediately standing. “Not a problem.”

    “It’ll just take a minute,” Julia said, mostly to Ashlyn. “She’ll be back to study in no time.”

    Ashlyn breathed deeply through her nose, trying to ignore the ache between her legs that’d been steadily building, realizing it was going to have to dissipate. “Take your time,” she said, forcing a smile. “I’ve got work to do anyway.”

    “Sorry,” Ali winced, pausing at the door to allow Julia to head down the stairs.

    Ashlyn just gave her an understanding smile, nodding her head. “Go. We’ll find time,” she said. As the door closed, she flopped down on the bed, willing what she said to be true sooner rather than later.

* * *

    “It’s freezing,” Ali whined, shifting underneath Ashlyn’s body weight to try to keep her skin from touching the bench seat of the truck.

    “It’ll warm up,” Ashlyn said, chafing one of her arms. “Just give it ten minutes.”

    "Your break is over in fifteen,” Ali pouted, squirming again when the bottom of her sweater rode up, leaving her hip on the cold plastic surface. “Ah! No, no ma’am.”

     She forced Ashlyn up, the blonde coming to rest on her heels, kneeling in the cramped cab. Ali wrapped her coat back around herself, zipping it up tightly. Ashlyn sighed in frustration, running a hand through her hair. “Ten minutes, God. All I want is ten minutes.”

     Ali smiled at her while wrapping her scarf back around her neck. “Ten minutes?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t want any of that bargaining crap. I want _hours_.”

     “That does sound good,” Ashlyn replied, reaching over to help Ali readjust until they were nestled side by side. “Like, four hours of uninterrupted, loud private time. No roommates, no meetings, no homework – just us.”

     “You’re still thinking small,” Ali said, giving her a devilish grin. “Sunset to sunrise. Maybe until sunset again, who knows?”

     “Now you’re just rubbing it in,” Ashlyn groaned, kissing her cheek. “And there’s no hope for after the party tonight right?”

     Ali shook her head apologetically. “You said both of your roommates are in and Julia already ‘casually’ mentioned that she’d be there tonight. I think she’s trying to avoid seeing something she doesn’t want to.”

     “At least she gives us warning,” Ashlyn quipped with a sigh.

     They sat in silence for a few moments, Ali keeping track of the foggy condensation building on the windows as the heater began to work in earnest. She looked over to Ashlyn, tapping her chin. “Whatcha thinking?”

     “Mmm. Nothing,” she said a little too quickly.

     Ali squinted an eye. “You look … pensive.”

     “I have thoughts,” Ashlyn said with a grin. “Sometimes. I have more of them when I’m not preoccupied with your body on mine.”

     “Then let’s get you back to thoughtless,” Ali replied, turning to kiss her again.

     Despite her fear of ending up dissatisfied again, Ashlyn got into their kiss, winding a hand into Ali’s hair. Soon, Ali was humming in pleasure, tugging on the lapels of Ashlyn’s coat until they’d scooted back against the passenger door, boots scraping against the floor and dash as they melded into each other.

     “You need to go,” Ali whispered a few minutes later, licking her swollen lips. “If you stay here much longer you’re going to be late.”

     “It’s a two minute trip across the parking lot,” Ashlyn murmured. “Let’s see how long I can push it.”

     But Ali was already shaking her head, pressing a hand to Ashlyn’s chest. “Income, remember?”

     “Who needs money when I have love?” Ashlyn asked incredulously, pecking Ali on the cheek. “Love and a girlfriend with an incredibly sexy body.”

     “Well, I can’t argue with that, but I need to get back to the house so I can get things in order for tonight.” Ali pulled down the passenger visor, swiping a finger under her lips to check for smudges. Satisfied, she flipped it shut and turned back to Ashlyn. “So I’ll see you at eight?”

     “Yes,” she said glumly, beginning to smooth her clothing when she realized they really were finished for the moment. “I’m out of here at six thirty so that gives me time to get all presentable for your fancy friends.”

     “You’re beautiful just the way you are,” Ali said with a grin, giving her a quick kiss.

     “The smell of spilled beer and old grease doesn’t do much for me though,” Ashlyn replied, sniffing the collar of her shirt. She huffed once, taking hold of the door handle. “See you at eight.”

     Ali was already out of the truck, running around to her own driver door where they were parked side by side in the farthest part of the parking lot at Billy’s. Ashlyn watched her as she walked away, ensuring Ali was on her way before she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, scrolling for a contact and pressing ‘send’.

     “Hello?” came the reply on the line as Ashlyn walked back inside the bar.

     “Hey Chris? It’s Ashlyn. I need you to do me a favor.”

* * *

     The weather only got colder, adding a light snow shower right as Ashlyn and Kelley pulled up in front of Pi Beta Phi. They ran up the stairs together, Ashlyn knocking quickly on the door. “Help!” she cried through the door in a cartoonish voice. “We’re going to freeze out here!”

     They heard the sound of the door unlocking and when the door opened, Ashlyn had to struggle to keep the highly amused look from her face. “Hey Sam,” she said, grinning.

     “Ashlyn,” she said, her eyes going wide. “Hi. Come in!”

     When Sam had closed the door behind her, the way she twisted her hands together and looked down at the ground suggested she’d seen the recent change on Ali’s Facebook. “You both look … nice,” she said sheepishly, only glancing at her once and speaking mostly to Kelley. “I think Ali’s still upstairs getting dressed.”

     “Not a problem,” Ashlyn replied, craning her neck to look around the corner. “Actually, do you know where Christen is?”

     “Let me go grab her,” Sam said quickly and dashed from the room.

     Kelley watched her go, raising an eyebrow in question. “Did I miss something?”

     “I’ll tell you later,” Ashlyn said out of the corner of her mouth, smiling as Christen came into the room. “Wow, you look fantastic,” she said, motioning her finger. “I need a full spin.”

     Christen did as requested, smiling widely as she displayed her dress. “Thanks,” she said. “It’s nice to have an actual nice clothing party every once in a while. Costumes are fun but this way I have an excuse to shop.”

     “Ali hasn’t told me what she’s wearing yet,” Ashlyn remarked. “Considering she said that she shopped with Kyle for four hours over the break, it must be fantastic.”

     “It is,” Christen gushed. “Just wait till you see it.”

     Ashlyn peeked up the staircase before looking back and talking to Christen in a quieter voice. “Were you able to get her things ready?” she asked.

     “Yes!” Christen said, crossing over to the utility closet and pulling out a Victoria’s Secret overnight bag that Ashlyn knew belonged to Ali. “Now, I hope you guys don’t try to go anywhere fancy. I just packed some standard stuff.”

     “Definitely not the plan,” Ashlyn said, giving her a dimpled grin. “In fact, I’m hoping she doesn’t have to wear any of this at all, to be honest.”

     In tandem, both Kelley and Christen stuffed their fingers in their ears, laughing at each other. “Too much info, bud,” Kelley said. “Although really, that’s just jealousy talking.”

     “I think it’s sweet,” Christen said as Ashlyn frogged Kelley in the shoulder. “She’s been telling me that you guys have had some trouble getting uh, _alone time_.”

     Ashlyn nodded fervently in response before turning to walk out the door. “I’m gonna throw this in my truck before she’s ready.”

     When she ran out the door, Kelley nodded towards the kitchen. “So, what was that about with the girl who let us in? She was super weird when she saw Ashlyn and me standing there.”

     Christen laughed, looking towards the upstairs before biting her lip. “Okay, you didn’t hear this from me, but Sam drooled over Ashlyn to both me and Ali like, right before we all left for break ‘cause she didn’t know they were together.”

     “No way,” Kelley said, eyes wide in delight.

     “Yes,” Christen emphasized, checking to make sure no one was around before continuing. “I would’ve given anything to see the look on her face when she saw it on Facebook. It was hilarious the first time we were all sitting in the room together and Ashlyn came to pick Ali up. I swear she was as red as a stop light.”

     “What did Ali say? Like when Sam first talked to her?” Kelley asked.

     Christen’s eyes went wide, “Oh my God, she didn’t say anything. I have no idea how. I would’ve flipped. Sam was going on and on about how hot Ashlyn was because she was in a band and she was all that crap and Ali just sat there and took it. Ali asked if she was gay and she said no and said something about liking Italian food even if you’re not from Italy.”

     “I thought the joke was that it’s like spaghetti: straight until wet,” Kelley asked, and Christen rolled her eyes. “Hey, do you think the whole ‘cause she’s in a band’ thing is interchangeable if we’re bandmates?”

* * *

     “So this is the girlfriend?” asked Teresa, a girl from another sorority. “I saw over break that you made it official with someone named Ashlyn Harris and I did some creeping. Hi there!”

     Ashlyn gave her a slight wave from Ali’s side, wrapping the other hand lightly around her waist. “That’s me,” she said. “For some reason, she decided she wants to put up with me on a regular basis.”

     “She’s funny,” Teresa said directly to Ali who replied with a toothy smile.

     “She thinks she is,” she said, tossing her a wry look. “Regular comedian, this one.”

     “I think it’s adorable,” Teresa declared, taking a drink of her Jack and Coke. “You two are stupidly photogenic together.”

     “Thanks,” Ali replied, reaching over to adjust Ashlyn’s tie. “I made her take a shower today.”

     They laughed together, and Teresa ended it in a jealous groan. “Ugh, you’re gorgeous together _and_ you like each other. Meanwhile, my boyfriend couldn’t run off to hang out with his buddies fast enough. Speaking of, I should probably go find him. He and open bar don’t mix.”

     “That’s a Sigma Chi for you,” Ali replied.

     “He hates these formal parties,” Teresa said, draining her glass before placing it on a nearby linen covered table. “He would’ve majored in beer pong and internet porn if it’d been an option.” She rolled her eyes, but Ali caught her wistful smile. “He better be glad he’s handsome.”

     As Teresa left, Ashlyn steered Ali towards the table that boasted all bacon wrapped items. “She’s fun,” she said, raising her eyebrows.

     “She’s nice,” Ali replied, nudging into her ribs. “And she’s not wrong – I’ve met her boyfriend twice. He’s always hammered.”

     “A regular Prince Charming,” Ashlyn replied, picking up their plates and carrying them to their assigned table. As they sat, Ashlyn pulling out Ali’s chair, she swiveled her head around. “Do you know where Kelley and Christen went?”

     Ali shrugged, only looking around briefly before taking one of the hors d’oeurves between her fingers. “Christen said something about Kelley making some sort of play but didn’t give details. I guess she saw someone she liked?”

     Ashlyn snorted, picking up her club soda. “I can’t imagine her with a sorority girl.”

     Ali looked up, giving her a challenging look. “And why’s that?”

     Ashlyn’s drink paused midway to her mouth as she grinned. “She doesn’t do high maintenance well.”

     “High maintenance?” Ali asked with a shocked face. “Me?”

     “You, beautiful,” Ashlyn agreed, nodding. “The highest maintenance.”

     “Maybe I just need someone who can handle it.” Ali waggled her eyebrows deviously. “Are you telling me you need a rest?”

     “Never,” Ashlyn replied, leaning forward to kiss Ali’s cheek. “As a matter of fact, I’d love to show you just how much I can handle it.”

     “Yeah? How’s that?”

     “You ready to leave yet?”

     Ali paused, chewing on the inside of her lip and considering. “The party’s still going on,” she said evenly, watching Ashlyn shrug one shoulder.

     “There’ll be other parties,” she said, covertly looking around them to be sure they were unnoticed before beginning to bunch the silky material of Ali’s dress, seeking the thigh high slit. “And even though you look fucking stunning in this dress, I’d like to see how it looks on the floor.”

     Ali’s breath caught in her chest, but she kept her eyes locked on Ashlyn’s, determined not to break first. “Your room is taken.”

     “I know,” Ashlyn said simply, fingertips circling over her kneecap.

     “My room?” Ashlyn’s fingers inched higher, and Ali couldn’t stop herself from doing a quick check around them.

     “Nope,” came the simple reply, paired with a set of fingernails raking gently across her skin, sliding towards her inner thighs.

     “Mmm,” Ali hummed, briefly closing her eyes and then meeting Ashlyn’s gaze again. “What’s your plan then?”

     Ashlyn just shook her hand, retracting her hand back down towards Ali’s knee, and the brunette fought to contain a disappointed huff. “Not gonna tell you that. You just have to trust me.”

     “Is this why you insisted we drive by ourselves?” Ali asked, smirking.

     Ashlyn sighed impatiently, gripping onto either side of Ali’s chair and pulling her closer. “Look baby,” she said, leaning forward with her hands still on either side of the seat. “You’ve got two options here. One,” she started, turning her head to look around the room, “we stay here, schmooze and drink and have a grand time but we go back to your room where Julia will be waiting.”

     Ali wrinkled her nose. “I don’t like option one.”

     “Not my favorite either,” Ashlyn agreed. “But your second option,” she leaned forward even closer until their lips were inches apart, “we get the hell out of here … sunset to sunrise.”

     By that point, Ali was leaning in as well, chewing on the edge of her lip as she considered. She cast a look to the side, but Ashlyn could already read her decision on her face.

     "What’s it going to be Princess?” she asked, sliding one hand along her thigh on the outside of her dress.

     “Option two. Unequivocally,” Ali grinned, pulling Ashlyn forward by her tie to kiss her on the mouth. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strawberry ice cream did the trick. Bet y'all don't know where this is going, huh?


	15. i think i might've inhaled you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is literally just porn without plot -- you can skip it if it's not your jam. :) Next chapter will be back to our regularly scheduled prose.

     They trailed through the crowded banquet hall, Ali’s hand wrapped firmly in Ashlyn’s and following her lead. She tried her best to not look up and make eye contact with anyone, her focus singularly narrowed down to making it out of there -- getting to wherever her girlfriend planned. She hadn’t had the heart to tell her; she’d never been one for surprise change of plans. Perhaps it was innately at odds with her desire to organize and plot out her life, but she’d never enjoyed it, even as a child.

     Still, as she considered Ashlyn’s warm, bright brown eyes, fluorescent lights reflected and mixing in with the flecks of green and gold, something inside of her changed. It felt as though where Ashlyn had previously been on the outside of an expectation, right past the line where Ali was willing to go, in the blink of an eye she was on the inside. As simple as admiring the dimple in her left cheek, Ali knew that when she agreed, she did it wholeheartedly.

     Ali felt confused; if this was love, wasn’t it supposed to all happen that night on the phone in Tucson? Or when she said the complete sentence on Christmas morning? Why didn’t she feel this subtle but profound change as soon as they entered 2012, Ali screaming over the din of fireworks that she loved her? She hadn’t spoken prematurely; she had felt it in her heart.

      They stood side by side, waiting for the attendant to return their coats from the check, and Ali focused on the feeling of Ashlyn’s hand entwined with her own. She’d held her hand more than a few times until that point, even more often now that they had gone public, but it now felt different. Ali squeezed her hand lightly, feeling an echoed response from her girlfriend and it reinforced it all: safety, surety, and trust.

     “Ready?” Ashlyn asked, excitement flooding her features.

     “Of course,” Ali replied, mirroring her bright smile. “Lead the way.”

 _Trust_ , Ali thought, turning her back as Ashlyn helped slide her thick coat over her shoulders, then rotating so she could cinch the tie together at her waist. She lingered her hand inside, fingertips dancing along Ali’s hip, running over the silken bodice. Ali looked up to catch her mischievous grin, reluctantly but firmly taking her hand and continuing towards the door.

     She stayed in her own head on their trip to the car, hardly noticing when they lingered at a side table, footsteps picking up the pace right after. She heard Ashlyn call a friendly goodnight to the person at the door who’d been responsible for collecting their invitations, and only just had the time to raise a hand in farewell. The cool winter air brought her back, and she clung to Ashlyn’s side, her hands sliding to hold onto either side of her chest.

     “What’s that?” Ali asked, pulling her hand back from Ashlyn’s far side after feeling a hard object inside the lapel of her jacket.

     Ashlyn grinned over at her, waggling her eyebrows. “Some celebratory champagne. I hijacked a bottle on our way out.”

     “Ashlyn!” Ali said scandalized, “That’s stealing!”

     “Okay baby, you’ve told me how much money you’ve spent to just be _in_ this damn sorority, not to mention all of the other stuff. You’ve totally earned this $5 bottle of champagne.”

     Ali just rolled her eyes, tightening the collar of her coat against a burst of wind. “It’s not champagne,” she said. “It’s crappy bubbling wine. We can’t afford the good stuff yet.”

     “Fake it till you make it,” Ashlyn remarked, leaning them along the side of the truck. “Alright ma’am, after you,” she said, silencing a shiver as she held open Ali’s door.

     Ali took her outstretched hand, smiling at the overly formal gesture and climbed in, both assuring that the fabric of her dress was safely inside before closing the door. She watched her run around the front of the truck, her blonde hair, straightened for the occasion, flying in the breeze behind her.

     She was gorgeous; her long, firm body adorned with a sharp outfit of pressed slacks, a crisp navy blue button up shirt and even a nice jacket, all with that narrow tie fixed around her neck. Ali had never truly considered her capable of such stylish clothing, her entire experience up to that point comprising of slouchy jeans, t-shirts and sweaters, no matter how effortlessly perfect they looked.

     As she watched Ashlyn crank the engine, fiddling with the knobs and dials until she heard the muffled blast of air streaming into the cab, she reached over, taking her chin in hand until Ashlyn looked at her.

     “Hey,” Ali said softly, leaning forward, met in the middle with a kiss. “Have I told you how incredibly attractive you look tonight?” she asked.

     Ashlyn smiled bashfully, pressing their lips together again before pulling away and removing her coat so she could drive. “I figured you thought as much when you checked me out all evening,” she cracked, putting the truck in reverse and looking over her shoulder. “But thank you.”

     Ali reluctantly moved to fasten her seatbelt, cursing the resulting space between them. She kept her eyes trained on Ashlyn as they left the parking lot, observing her subtle reactions and movements, feeling the echoes of her revelation slowly continue to fill her. It wasn’t until they took a left, heading out of town and away from the university that she allowed her attention to stray.

     “Ashlyn …” she trailed off, craning her neck out the window. “Where exactly are we going?”

     “On an adventure,” Ashlyn replied, waggling her eyebrows. “Okay, it’s not _much_ of an adventure considering I’m sure we’ve both been there a thousand times or more, but you and I have a reservation in Denver.”

     “What kind of reservation?” Ali asked unnecessarily, grinning slyly.

     “The kind that guarantees nice and quiet privacy until eleven tomorrow morning,” Ashlyn said, reaching over and grabbing her hand. “After you came to see me on break this morning, I kept thinking about how long it had been since we had the chance to be together without worrying about someone or something interrupting us. Then, I realized that we’ve never truly been able to enjoy just being with each other.” They pulled up to a stoplight and she looked over, leaning to kiss her knuckles. “I’m sorry for interrupting the party. I just … I can’t wait any longer.”

     “God baby,” Ali said, unbuckling her seatbelt to slide over and kiss the side of Ashlyn’s face. “You absolutely do not need to apologize for anything. I love it.”

     “You love it now,” Ashlyn smirked, accelerating through the green light. “Just wait till you see this place.”

     “Yeah?” Ali asked, trailing her hand down Ashlyn’s chest as she kissed the sensitive skin under her ear. “Is it good?”

     “Mhmm,” Ashlyn replied, trying to focus on the road. “Not to be self-congratulatory, but I gave myself a high five.”

     “I can’t wait.” Ali sucked her earlobe between her lips, scratching her nails down along Ashlyn’s thighs. “Also … You said it guarantees nice and quiet privacy but I’d like to remove one of those words from that description.”

     Ashlyn just groaned in response, her hands gripping the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles flushed white. “Baby,” she breathed, clearing her throat. “Unless you want to end up in a ditch, you’ve gotta let me drive.”

     Ali mocked an annoyed sigh, sliding back over to put her seatbelt on again. “Fine, but only because I want us to get there in one piece.” She looked towards the highway and the orange glow in the distance, excitement bubbling up as she pictured a hotel room waiting for them. She couldn’t wait to be there, to enjoy Ashlyn’s body and then sleep in what was likely a more comfortable bed than the one back at the house.

     As she thought about tucking into a bed with Ashlyn, she realized one important thing was missing. “Ash …” she trailed off, eyeing her. “I think we’re going to need to stop at the store.”

     “What for?” Ashlyn asked, checking a side mirror.

     “Toothbrush. Toothpaste. I appreciate your spontaneity but we’re not exactly ready for an overnight trip.”

     “Au contraire,” Ashlyn replied, giving her a grin. “Do you think I’d expect Princess Krieger to survive without her things?”

     Ali raised her eyebrow in question. “I’m going to ignore the dig and focus on ‘what are you talking about’?”

     Keeping one hand on the wheel, Ashlyn dug underneath the seat below her and pulled out Ali’s overnight bag, handing it over to her. “I had a partner in crime,” she said, smiling at Ali’s surprise. “If something in there isn’t right, you’ve gotta blame Christen. I told her you just needed things to stay somewhere tonight. I wanted to make sure we could head straight out.”

     “Oh you’re good,” she said, unzipping the bag to check its contents. “I’m even more impressed.”

     “At the risk of setting an even higher standard … There’s one more surprise. Well, a _few_ surprises. I put a present in there before we left for the party.”

     Ali dug her hand into the corner of the bag, feeling and retrieving a light, small rectangular package, wrapped in paper. She grinned over at Ashlyn. “Christmas was like two weeks ago,” she said, turning the package over in her hands.

     “I couldn’t settle for just the iPod, not after what you got me,” Ashlyn said, nodding down at her hands. “Open it.”

     Ali was on the paper in seconds, anticipation growing when she saw the back of whatever the item was, glimpsing something about battery information. As she crumbled the paper up to put in her bag, she held the clear, plastic package in her hand, feeling a stir between her legs. The egg-shaped vibrator was small enough to fit in her palm, attached to a battery pack that boasted five settings; pink, Ali noted, something that was surely on purpose.

     “Oh Ashlyn,” she said slyly, biting her lip as she looked over at her. “You shouldn’t have.”

     Ashlyn nodded fervently. “I definitely should’ve. Absolutely.”

     “Can’t argue with that,” Ali said, flipping the box to read the back. “Now, let’s see how prepared you really are … Do we need to stop for batteries?”

     Ashlyn gave her a grin, nodding down at it. “Why don’t you turn it on and check?”

     Ali bit the edge her lip; she fought the urge to rip the plastic apart, trying to focus on drawing it out, knowing full well that Ashlyn was watching from the corner of her eye as she sped down the freeway. The crinkling of the packaging echoed in her ears, combining with her pulse that felt as though it had doubled in pace since she unwrapped her gift.

     She slid the toy out, ran her fingers over the silicone smooth casing and swallowed down the gleeful laughter building in her throat. Ali became more aware of Ashlyn’s breathing as it grew louder, peeking up to see her hand spread out over her own thigh, fingertips drumming in anticipation.

     Ali pressed the back of the casing, popping the pack out onto her lap. She took the egg into one hand, the other sliding to thumb the simple controls: up arrow and down arrow. She clicked the top button once and it came to life, the light vibrations traveling through her hand. She swallowed hard, feeling a light pulsing start between her thighs, paired with the butterflies in the bit of her stomach.

     “Very good,” Ali said, looking over to Ashlyn who had a steady pattern: five seconds on the road, half a second over at her passenger seat. “You’re quite the girl scout. Totally prepared.”

     “Totally,” she agreed, winking at her. “I have a complimentary item in my own bag. You’ll have to wait to see that one though.”

     Ali groaned despite herself, looking down towards the bottom of the seat. “I wanna see,” she pouted, sliding her hand down towards the hidden space, but was stopped.

     Ashlyn shook her head. “Don’t want you to ruin the surprise,” she said, leaning to kiss Ali’s knuckles again. “You’ll just have to make do with that one for now.”

     “Oh for now?” Ali asked, looking back down at the toy in her hand. “I can have it now?”

     “I mean … Not right … We’re driving,” Ashlyn spluttered, alternating her gaze between Ali’s hands and her face.

     “ _You’re_ driving,” Ali corrected, raising an eyebrow. “Meanwhile, I’m free to test the merchandise.”

     “Ali …” Ashlyn murmured, desperate indecision on her face as she was forced to watch the road.

     “Ashlyn,” Ali teased, lifting one leg up slowly, agonizingly slowly until it was on the seat, turning her body until she had her back to the door. She met resistance and reached down to release her seatbelt, sliding the strap behind her again, free to square her body for full display.

     “That’s not safe,” Ashlyn remarked nervously, looking over to watch Ali spread her legs.

     “I trust you,” Ali said, knowing the words were true. She reached forward to start sliding the material of her dress up, the slit catching and exposing her inch by inch. She kept going, luxuriating in the smoothness of the fabric on her skin until she knew Ashlyn could see her completely, assumption confirmed by the breath she sucked between her teeth.

     “Fuck Al,” she muttered, biting again on the edge of her lip. “You’re trying to fucking kill me.”

     “You better not crash,” Ali said, reaching a hand between her spread thighs to start teasing the waistband of her thong. “Not before I come.”

     Ashlyn whined, gripping the steering wheel and running a hand through her hair. “I’m going baby. God, you’re so in for it when we get there.”

     “I’ll hold you to it,” Ali grinned, closing her eyes when her fingertips pressed against the damp crotch of her underwear, rubbing into her swollen clit. She sighed slowly, swirling a circle and enjoying the pulse of pleasure radiating up her spine. “I’m so wet,” she said quietly, smirking when Ashlyn hummed in complaint. “Let’s see just how much, shall we?”

     Lifting her hips, Ali used both hands to start to slowly peel away her underwear, pulling the knee she had resting on the bench to her chest, leaving them dangling from the opposite leg as she slid her foot back to nudge between Ashlyn’s ass and the seat, high heel pressing into her. Ashlyn looked over again and again, opening and clenching the fist she had on her thigh, licking her lips while looking between Ali’s legs.

     As slowly as she could handle, fighting against the maddening ache that screamed for relief, Ali took the vibrator in her hand, positioning it between her thighs while taking the controls in the other. She swirled the blunt object around, coating the surface with her wetness before running it up to her clit, pressing in before clicking the top button twice, jumping to a higher level of vibration.

     “Whoa,” Ali sighed, her hips jerking forward at the sensation. She clicked again, impatient, and the humming sound grew louder. “Oh. Yeah, that’s nice.”

     She moved the egg in a tight circle, occasionally switching to vertical slides down between her folds, each time dragging back up increasingly faster. She tried to keep her hips in place but they wouldn’t rest, rolling and swirling in time with the motions of her hand. In no time, she was moaning, digging her heel even harder into Ashlyn, her free hand clenching on to her thigh.

     Ali looked over to Ashlyn, her gaze switching between the road and the opposite seat at a comical pace, and she noticed that her hand had slid inward, resting higher up at the juncture of her thighs. “Fuck, you look beautiful, baby,” she said, clearing her throat. “I want to touch you so badly.”

     “Not while you’re driving,” Ali gasped, grinning over at her. “But do you wanna see what that would look like?”

     She almost felt bad for the way she was torturing Ashlyn, hearing her keening whine as Ali slid her free hand between her legs, reaching down to tease her entrance with her fingertip. She’d planned to draw it out but couldn’t stand it, instead sinking her finger inside, curling upwards and pressing in as she slid back out. “Fuck,” she panted.

     It didn’t take long; the combination of the vibration and her finger inside of her was ticking the pressure enough. When she looked over at Ashlyn again, she saw that she was rubbing her hand over her own groin, sucking in breath while trying to watch the road. “Jesus Christ, Al,” she said between ragged breaths.

     “Ash,” Ali sighed, her hips jerking out of pattern. “Baby, I’m gonna …”

     “Come on baby,” Ashlyn said, and Ali felt the truck decelerating, imagining Ashlyn with her foot off the gas.

     “ _Fuck_ ,” Ali gasped, feeling her orgasm wash over her. She hummed deeply, holding the vibrator in place until she absolutely couldn’t anymore, her legs trembling as she worked to press them together. She breathed deeply, struggling to sit up while turning off the toy and stowing it back in her bag. “Fuck,” she repeated breathlessly, grinning over at Ashlyn who still looked on the edge of coming herself.

     “As much as I loved that, it was completely unfair,” Ashlyn said, her hand slowly moving away from her groin. “I feel like I’m going to burst into flames.”

     Ali worked to straighten out her dress, kicking her underwear off and shoving them into a side pocket of her bag. She leaned over, lightly sucking a kiss into the side of Ashlyn’s neck. “Just wanted to light the fire baby,” she whispered against her skin. “As soon as we get there, I get to have my way with you first.”

     Ali couldn’t help but giggle over the sudden roar of the engine accelerating.

* * *

     “Okay Miss Harris, here’s your card back. If you proceed through the lobby, and take a left, the elevator bay will take you up to the eleventh floor. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call the front desk. I hope you ladies have a pleasant evening,” the man at the front desk said, smiling politely as he handed over a set of electronic room keys.

     “Thank you,” Ashlyn replied, pocketing them. She and Ali turned to walk through the lobby, Ashlyn adjusting their bags on her shoulder.

     “I can carry something,” Ali murmured, taking her hand.

     “After your exertion in the car, I want you to rest so you’re ready when we get up there,” Ashlyn whispered back, bouncing her eyebrows.

     “Oh trust me, rest is the very last thing on my mind,” Ali said, steering Ashlyn towards the elevators. “I’m still anxiously awaiting my other present in your bag.”

     “Who said it was yours?” Ashlyn challenged, pressing the up arrow. “Why do you think it’s in my bag?”

     “Oh?” Ali asked, raising an eyebrow in amusement. “I didn’t realize that you …”

     “That I…?” Ashlyn queried, grinning back. She leaned in, kissing Ali’s cheek and trailing her mouth to whisper in her ear. “It’ll be a gift to watch you riding me.”

     Ali fought to kept her face passive, determinately staring at the elevator doors, but she was unable to stop the elated exhalation. “You’re spoiling me,” she said as the doors opened. “I’m going to want a night like this all of the time.”

     “As often as I can,” Ashlyn replied, illuminating the correct button.

     The car took off smoothly, hardly making any noise. Ashlyn thought about ways to tease Ali even more but before she could put any into action, they’d arrived. “That was fast,” she remarked, taking Ali’s hand as they set off down the hallway.

     “Too bad you don’t have one of those at Sterns,” Ali said, sliding her hand up and rubbing Ashlyn’s shoulder.

     “Then I wouldn’t have had time to argue with you,” Ashlyn winked, coming to a stop in front of a tall black door. “Eleven-twenty-four, this is us.” She took one of the key cards out and slid it in, standing to the side to allow Ali passage first. “After you.”

     “Wow,” Ali exclaimed, and Ashlyn was suddenly grateful she’d sprung for the mountain view room. They were high above the rest of the skyline, easily visible through the floor to ceiling windows covering the opposite wall. The distant hulking shapes and shadows of the range loomed in the background, the land before it covered in grids of bright orange lights. That was just the outside.

     Ali trailed her hand along the dresser to her right that came up right to her hips, tracing over the decorative bowls and flower vases filled with freshly cut stargazer lilies, as requested. She turned into the bathroom first, sliding up the dimmer to see the wide Jacuzzi bathtub and separate shower with waterfall showerhead, raised bowl sinks and floor length mirror. “It’s so nice,” she said, looking at the name brand shampoo, conditioner and body wash. “It feels like I’m in a palace.”

     “Only fitting, Princess Krieger,” Ashlyn smiled, placing their coats and bags down by the sliding closet doors. Ali came out and went into the bedroom area, gasping in delight when she saw the large king sized bed with fluffy pillows and stark white linens, down feather comforter inviting even in the dim lighting.

     “Oh baby,” Ali said in a hushed tone, bending forward and running her hands over the blanket. “It’s gorgeous.”

     “I’m glad you think so,” Ashlyn said quietly, walking up behind her and coming to rest flush against her ass, running her palms up along her spine.

     Ali arched her back in response, flipping her hair over her shoulder to look back at her girlfriend. She thrust backwards gently, nearly purring in delight when Ashlyn pressed back, edging them forward until the front of Ali’s thighs hit the mattress, forcing her to bend even further over.

     “What do you want to do first?” Ashlyn teased, running her hands over the exposed span of her back, admiring the toned, lean muscles. “Shower? We can go check out the gym too, you know? Maybe Christen packed you a sports bra …”

     Ali rolled her eyes and straightened up, turning until she could wrap her arms around Ashlyn’s shoulders, bringing her in for a deep, lip biting kiss. “How about a different kind of workout?” she asked, sliding her tongue into Ashlyn’s mouth.

     She pushed back, walking them over to the dresser, meeting very little resistance as Ashlyn cupped the back of her head, the other trailing down her side. Ali went straight for Ashlyn’s belt, quickly working to free her. Ashlyn put her hands back to the edge of the furniture, gripping hard when Ali slipped a hand inside her underwear.

     “No foreplay?” she asked, moaning when Ali ran her fingers from her clit all the way down to her entrance, finally giving relief to the throbbing that began much earlier in the evening.

     “I fingered myself in the car for you, that was your foreplay,” Ali replied, latching onto the side of Ashlyn’s neck. “I have zero patience left.”

     “Fair enough,” Ashlyn murmured, crying out when Ali slid a finger inside of her. She bobbed her hips forward and back, a hand desperately reaching out to wrap around Ali’s waist to draw her ever closer. She started to pant quietly, directly in time with each rock of her body; Ali marveled as she became wetter than she felt was possible.

     “Someone’s ready,” Ali whispered, kissing her jawline. She added another finger and reached with her other hand to tug Ashlyn’s hair, pulling her mouth over to kiss her. “How fast do you think you can come? We’ve got all night but I owe you one.”

     “Fast,” Ashlyn huffed, pressing her forehead to Ali’s. “Right there, don’t move. Stay right there,” she hissed, her hips circling in deeper movements. “Oh shit,” she said, her eyes opening as wide as her mouth, stunned expression bringing a smile to Ali’s face. “Fuck, I’m coming,” she said, her fingers digging into Ali’s side.

     In seconds, she was nearly doubled over, hands on her knees to keep her up as Ali ran her soothing hands over her back, reaching to peel back the blazer she had on. “You good?” she asked, amused and Ashlyn looked back at her with a dazed smile on her face.

     “That was faster than I expected,” she said between labored breaths, grinning and wiping her forehead. “Holy shit.” She straightened, allowing Ali to pull the jacket off, reaching to lay it over the bed. “Okay,” she said, clearing her head with a shake. “Give me five minutes.”

     “Okay,” Ali said, backing up. She started to peel down the thin straps of her dress but Ashlyn stopped her, placing a hand over hers.

     “Leave it on, please,” she said, quickly kissing her. “Five minutes.”

     “If you’re lucky,” Ali replied, raising an eyebrow. “Hurry up. I don’t have underwear on and I’m currently dripping down my thigh.”

     “Unfair,” Ashlyn huffed, turning on her heel to go into the bathroom, stopping to grab her overnight bag.

     Ali walked over to the window, stomach dropping as she looked down to the streets below. She could see lines of cars traversing the roads, the occasional changing of the pin-needle sized traffic lights, and every once in a while, the miniscule outline of a person. She felt a strong ache between her thighs, but instead of frustration she felt joy: intense, saturating joy when she realized they had _hours_ to satisfy one another.

     The sounds from the bathroom vaguely reached her ear, but she didn’t strain hard to catch them, wanting to allow Ashlyn what bit of surprise she had left. She felt goosebumps on her arm at the thought, the tell-tale crinkle of plastic being pulled apart notching up her excitement.

     She loved her intensely, she realized, seeing the reflection of her smiling face in the window. It’d only been an hour and a half since they’d left the party, but she felt she had multiple changed aspects of her life already. She felt safe, she decided, unquestionably safe in her presence and in her arms, a feeling that she’d never encountered in another person. Sure, family, but it was exceptionally different when coupled with adoration.

     She heard the door handle of the bathroom turn, waiting until she heard Ashlyn’s carpeted footsteps before facing her, immediately drawn to the piece sitting between her hips. She felt very little amusement, looking at the protruding purple object, her body quickly giving over to an animalistic lust that clouded her brain and left one solitary, filthy thought.

     “ _Fuck me_ ,” she said reverently, biting onto her lip.

     “That’s the plan,” Ashlyn replied, reaching down to spread each side of her unzipped slacks. She was still fully dressed, but her shirt sleeves were rolled up, details of the unfinished tattoos on her left forearm exposed, muscles rippling under her skin as she nervously clenched her fists. She’d loosened her tie but it still hung on her neck, and Ali immediately visualized wrapping it around her hand. “C’mere.”

     She did as she was told, crossing over to her and reaching out to take the strap-on in her hands but Ashlyn grabbed onto her wrists to gently redirect her. “Here,” she repeated, guiding her to press up against the dresser, pushing her hands behind her back until they met, collecting them both in one hand. With her other she reached down, raising up the hem of Ali’s dress to bunch it up and around her waist.

     “Are you ready for me?” she asked quietly, any trace of nerves long gone. Ali licked her lips and nodded, unable to find her voice as Ashlyn’s eyes bored into her. Ashlyn slid her hand up Ali’s inner thighs, nudging them apart until she felt a slick patch and rubbed through it with her thumb, following along until she could run her middle finger through Ali’s folds.

     Ali’s mouth dropped open in a moan, and she leaned her head to the side, her legs spreading until Ashlyn could slide her whole hand there, stopping briefly to insert two fingers and press up against her inner walls. Ali pulled lightly against Ashlyn’s hold but stayed, enjoying the thrill of not being allowed to touch her.

     “Please, baby,” Ali whispered, leaning forward to kiss her. “I want you so badly.”

     Ashlyn smirked, removing her hand from between Ali’s legs to tap her on the side of her thigh. “Hop up,” she commanded, freeing her wrists so she could brace herself and climb up onto the dresser top, reaching up of her own accord to press her hands onto the dresser behind her as she allowed Ashlyn to pull her to the very edge.

     Ali swirled her hips from side to side, every few passes allowing the tip of the toy to rub into her clit. She licked her lips again, maneuvering her feet against the side of the furniture, slick bottoms of her heels sliding each time. Unasked, Ashlyn reached to grab her ankles, holding one in each hand as she sank to her knees, hands skimming until they braced against Ali’s thighs, keeping her spread wide.

     She moved terribly slow, tracing a line with the tip of her tongue across Ali’s inner thighs, chuckling quietly as the gentle quaking of her muscles became earnest twitching, and Ali began whispering something so quietly that Ashlyn had to lift her head to hear it. “What’s that, darling?” she asked, dropping low again to swirl her tongue directly around her clit as Ali struggled to answer.

     “I – ah – I’m just – fuck,” she breathed, holding her breath as Ashlyn licked her softly, only barely grazing her sensitive skin. “Just – please just come here,” she said desperately, reaching with one hand to grab onto the back of Ashlyn’s head. “Please just fuck me.”

     “As you wish,” Ashlyn said, giving one more broad stripe of her tongue before she was standing again, wrapping one of Ali’s legs around her waist and bringing the other ankle over her shoulder. She swiped through Ali’s groin again, collecting moisture to transfer it to the tip of the toy, ensuring it was properly coated before guiding it to her entrance, softly weaving her hips as she pressed in a quarter inch.

     Ali sucked in a quick breath, her muscles tensing as she looked up to Ashlyn’s face, leaning forward to receive a kiss. Ashlyn nodded down once, her unasked question of readiness answered by Ali’s quickly bobbing head, reinforced immediately: “Yes, yes, now.”

     With a hand wrapping around to hold Ali’s ass in place, the other reaching up to grip her knee, Ashlyn began to push all the way inside, stilling each time Ali’s face showed anything but pleasure. They went slowly at first, deliciously slow; Ali imagined each inch of the perfectly sized toy stretching her, filling her until their hips were flush together, both panting into the space between them.

     “Move,” Ali asked quietly, nudging her hips forward and feeling the toy bottom out.

     A bit faster on each pace, Ashlyn fought her desire to snap her hips, wishing Ali to have every second that she wanted. It didn’t take long though before she felt the tip of Ali’s heel digging into her lower back, and watched a hand reach up between them to start tugging on Ashlyn’s tie. What began as quiet murmurings gave way to soft moans, escalating along with the speed of Ashlyn’s movements until she was crying out, pressing her mouth into Ashlyn’s neck to stifle the sound.

     Ashlyn held on tightly, only distantly worrying about the bruises she was surely imprinting onto her skin as she’d moved to holding both legs, pushing back against her thighs to counter Ali’s zealous thrusting.

     “God I love you,” Ali said, words rattled by their movements. “I love you so much,” she repeated, groaning as she pressed an arm back into the wall to give her more leverage.

     “I love you,” Ashlyn breathed, bringing her hips to a near standstill. She didn’t allow Ali much time to pout, sliding her up and into her arms, keeping their hips connected. She took two steps backwards, lowering them down on the bed together and allowing Ali to shift onto her knees. “You’re gorgeous,” she said, one hand twining into her hair and the other reaching for the bulge in her pocket.

     Ali pressed both hands onto Ashlyn’s chest, unbuttoning quickly to allow her hands to feel her skin. She didn’t notice Ashlyn had retrieved and placed the egg until she clicked it on, her mouth dropping into a perfect O shape as her eyes closed.

     All bets were off; Ali grinded her hips onto Ashlyn as hard as she could, every few passes of the vibrator bringing a squeal from her. It didn’t take very long until she was crying out, words of love and hissed obscenities blending together until she was stilling atop her, legs beginning to shake.

     Ashlyn held her tightly to her chest once she collapsed down, kissing her hairline as she twitched and jerked through the waves of her orgasm. She ran her hands across her back, reaching down to carefully bunch and lift Ali’s dress over her head and drop it down to the floor. Ali sighed contently as her breathing evened out, and for a minute Ashlyn wondered if she’d fallen asleep.

     But she rose to her knees again, nose scrunched as she hoisted a leg up to dismount. “Not comfortable,” she said, rolling over to lay by Ashlyn’s side.

     "Good?” Ashlyn asked needlessly and Ali rolled her eyes as she started to loosen her tie more to remove it.

     “Eh, it was okay,” she teased, running her nails through Ashlyn’s hair as she pulled her in for a kiss. “Probably the most fabulous idea you’ve ever had.”

     “Just wait till you see what I have next,” Ashlyn said, waggling her eyebrows but Ali shook her head, moving down on the bed.

     “It’s my turn,” she said, trying to stand but wobbling so hard that she had to brace herself on Ashlyn’s thighs. “Yes, yes – be proud,” she smirked, grabbing fistfuls of Ashlyn’s slacks and pulling them down to her feet to remove them. Then, she worked on the fastenings of the strap on, fondly sighing as she removed the harness and set it on the floor next to their clothes.

     “What do you have in mind?” Ashlyn asked, raising up to remove her shirt.

     “Well, you call me a princess right?” Ali came back, helping Ashlyn to take off her sports bra. When the blonde nodded, Ali climbed back into her lap, enjoying the feel of all their connecting bare skin. “I was thinking,” she said, leaning forward to kiss her, “that it’s time for you to feel like one as well.”

     “I don’t know if that’s me,” Ashlyn scrunched her nose, drawing her legs up so Ali could have support against them. “I’m more of a prince. A king,” she grinned, and Ali rolled her eyes. “I fight to protect the princess.”

     “In any case,” she retorted, moving away and lying flat on her back next to her, stretching her body out on the sheets. “Royalty deserves a throne to sit on.”

     Ashlyn’s eyes went wide. “Oh yeah?” she asked, flipping around to straddle Ali’s lap. “I’ve never … I mean, not like that.”

     “First time for everything,” Ali said, waggling her eyebrows deviously. She made a show of fanning her hair out above her, spreading the parts of blanket on either side of her face. “If it’s something you’d be into, that is.”

     Ashlyn bit her lip nervously, feeling ridiculous at the blush creeping in on her cheeks as she leaned down to press her hands next to Ali’s head. She chastised herself, reminding herself that she’d just had Ali nearly screaming on top of her, suddenly feeling shy. Ali ran her fingers along Ashlyn’s side, up to her breasts to take hold of her nipples. As she gently tweaked and pulled, she began to shimmy until she was sliding down, kissing a line down Ashlyn’s chest until she could bring one of her nipples into her mouth.

     “Thoughts?” Ali asked, mouth full. She hummed as she swirled her tongue around the hardened peak, switching to give attention to the other as Ashlyn debated.

     “Yeah,” she said breathlessly, her hips grinding down against Ali’s, realizing she wasn’t anywhere near satisfied. “Yeah.”

     “Your majesty …” Ali trailed off, continuing to scoot down the mattress as Ashlyn began to climb up, running her fingers and lips across her abdomen.

     It took a bit of awkward maneuvering and Ashlyn nearly called the whole thing off until she felt Ali’s hands reach up and take a soft hold on either side of her hips, rubbing soothing circles into her skin. She lowered herself slowly, wringing her hands as she was unsure of what to do with them. Then, she felt Ali’s mouth cover her, tongue slipping over her sensitive skin and stopped caring.

     She rocked forward slowly at first, head preoccupied with whether or not Ali could breathe; the deep even inhales did their best to assure her until she couldn’t hear them anymore, drowned out by her own persistent moaning. “Al,” she said quietly, running her hands across her chest to rub over her nipples. “That’s amazing.”

     “Mmmm,” Ali hummed, the vibrations causing Ashlyn’s hips to jerk forward harder, but she held on and Ashlyn felt emboldened. She began to roll a little deeper, releasing a long “Oooh,” when she found a good spot.

     Ali’s hands skimmed along her hips, reaching up to move Ashlyn’s hands out of the way so she could pinch lightly at one of her nipples. Ashlyn moved down to scratch along Ali’s scalp as she began to fuck her face in earnest. “Right there, baby,” she breathed, trying to remember to press her knees harder into the mattress to distribute the weight but Ali persisted, hands pulling her hips hard against her.

     Ashlyn’s moans blended in with Ali’s continued humming; Ashlyn stayed up as long as she could, feeling a series of smaller orgasm skim through her before a larger one that couldn’t be interrupted. “Ali,” she cried out, falling forward onto her hands, hips still thrusting against Ali’s mouth. Her words became muffled by the mattress, blending in to nothingness until she was rolling away, the sweat on her body cooling in the atmosphere of the room.

     They laid side by side for a long time, neither knowing who fell asleep first. It didn’t matter, as before an hour had passed on the stylish analog clock on the bedside table, Ali was waking Ashlyn back up with persistent, wandering fingers.

     Making sure to properly get good use of the expensive room, they moved to each surface possible, only collapsing exhausted into the bed well after six in the morning. Ashlyn sat propped up against the headboard, Ali cuddled into her chest and they watched the rays of sunrise paint across the distant mountain range out the window before succumbing to a deeper, restful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ! (That's it, that's all I've got. See y'all next chapter. I'm really gonna take a break this time.)


	16. i'm calling the blame, just let me own it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn has an interview for an internship.

     Ali was first aware of Julia; or rather, she was aware of the pillow that landed on her face, bringing her to a foggy consciousness. She lay blinking in the near total darkness of their shared bedroom for a few moments, rubbing her fists into her eyelids and shifting the down feather pillow from her face when she heard two conflicting noises.

     “Your phone, Kriegs. It’s been ringing forever,” Julia mumbled into the wall, having rolled over away from the din.

     “Shit,” Ali said, flinging herself into hazy action as she rolled to her bedside table. “Hello? Hello?” she asked, straining her ears in the static-filled silence.

     “Hello,” came a robotic male voice. “This is a collect call from Boulder County Jail. You are receiving this phone call from …”

     Ali pressed her phone to her ear, stomach already dropping before she heard a familiar voice.

     “… Ashlyn Harris.”

     “To accept this call, please press 1. To reject this call, you may hang up or press 2. To block any future calls from this number, please press 3.”

     With trembling hands and a thick knot of dread in her chest, Ali looked at her phone, scrabbling to find the “1” key. There were two long, shrill beeps and then a pause. “Hello?” she asked, voice uncomfortably high. “Ashlyn?”

* * *

     “So how was your weekend?” Regan asked, midway through drying a stack of cleaned beer steins.

     Ashlyn grinned at the floor, trying to keep from blushing as she resisted the urge to relay just how successful it’d been, even considering her near complete lack of sleep on Saturday night between her truck and the deserted dining room at Pi Beta Phi at 4 AM. She nodded slowly, looking up with a mostly neutral face. “It was pretty good. I did some studying for a physics exam and then worked on some sculptures. You?”

     “That sounds nice, minus the physics,” the redhead remarked as she turned to put some of the glasses underneath the bar. “I stayed in for the most part. Luckily my professors haven’t gotten in the second semester rush yet so I had lots of downtime.”

     “For sure lucky,” Ashlyn said with a smile, checking an item off of a to-do list and moving onto the next. “I think mine are trying to make up for all they didn’t go over last semester. It’s awful.”

     “How’s Ali?” Regan asked shortly, reaching up to grab another dripping mug.

     “Oh, she’s good. We’re good,” Ashlyn replied. “She’s been on me for more trips to Denver since that weekend right before term started,” she cracked.

     “Lucky girl,” Regan said, swirling the damp rag around. “We should all be so lucky to have someone so attentive.” At the end of her sentence, she looked over at Ashlyn who was busy smiling at a memory.

     The dropped hint fell flat on the recently mopped floor, Ashlyn’s giddiness an overly effective shield. “Nah, I’m getting the better end of the deal, absolutely certain.”

     Annoyed, Regan bent below the bar again with dried glasses. “Oh!” she said, straightening back up. “You’re out early today aren’t you?”

     Ashlyn nodded, inspecting the liquor bottles to ensure they were ready for the lunchtime patrons. “Yeah, at two thirty,” she said, turning a bottle of Grey Goose label forward. “I’ve got my internship interview this afternoon.”

     “That’s exciting!” Regan replied, setting the rag down and looking over with her full attention. “How do you feel about it?”

     There was a lengthy pause while Ashlyn considered the question and wondered how honest she wanted to be. In truth, she was terribly nervous; the internship at a Denver art house would be nearly invaluable. Mac had alerted her to the opportunity over the previous summer, and she’d been working diligently, with increasing amounts of stress, on new pieces to show. She knew that if she got it, she’d be doing grunt work but the seal of approval would pave her career path.

     Still, as she turned to her co-worker she faltered. They’d known each other since the previous school year, Regan having filled a vacancy from a graduating student. Ashlyn felt they were close enough, but not quite over the barrier of being work friends. They weren’t in similar majors so they never crossed paths unless they were on shift at the same time. It was with this indecision that Ashlyn shrugged a shoulder.

     “So-so, I think,” she said, furrowing her brow. “I feel confident in my pieces for the most part. I’ve got a friend in the art scene that I’ve been working with and he’s been giving me good feedback.” She twisted to address the salt and pepper shakers. “But you know how it goes … I’d be working on it until the last possible minute, just because I’d overthink it, not necessarily because it needs it.”

     “That’s good,” Regan said, tossing her the filler salt can. “You’re detail oriented and thorough.”

     “Or I overthink,” Ashlyn countered, unscrewing the silver caps. “And I make twice as much work for myself because I can’t leave well enough alone.”

     “You’re stubborn, that’s for sure,” the redhead said, rolling her eyes as she turned to put away a stack of clean dishes from the kitchen.

     “Ali would agree with you,” Ashlyn smirked, mentally recounting their play wrestling as each tried to get the other on her back.

     Regan hid a disparaging look, reaching on her toes to a top shelf. “Who are you having to interview with?” she asked, changing the subject back.

     “It’ll be the head of the gallery and one of their talent development people,” Ashlyn replied with a frown. “I’ve been to this place once and it’s pretty nice so I’m anxious about what they’ll be like. I’ve got a nice shirt in the truck so hopefully I at least look the part.”

     “I thought you art types were into the vagabond look,” Regan said, reaching over to pat her shoulder. “Really, don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s gonna go great. You’re gonna dazzle them!”

     “Thanks,” Ashlyn said, returning a smile. “Here’s hoping.”

* * *

     Ashlyn slowed to a stop at a red light downtown, looking down at the perfect timing of her ringing phone. She answered it with a smile on her face, keeping an eye on traffic. “Hey baby, I was just thinking about you.”

     “I’m just that good,” Ali replied, with the echo of footsteps around her. “Sorry, I meant to call earlier but my professor held me back for a while.”

     “Yeah? Did you get sent to the principal’s office?” Ashlyn cracked.

     “ _Actually_ ,” Ali said, pride seeping into her voice. “He wanted to congratulate me on having the best midterm grade and presentation of the class. I aced it _and_ got extra credit. Final grade was a 106!”

     “That’s great, Al!” Ashlyn shouted, wishing she were there to hug her. “I can’t believe you were worried!”

     Ali laughed on the line, and Ashlyn felt a bloom of happiness in her chest. “Thanks,” she said, “I was still really surprised. I knew I should be at least partially confident, but I didn’t expect that.”

     “I did,” Ashlyn said quietly, accelerating as the light turned green. “You’re really good at what you do, honey. You bust your ass and it shows. I’d have been outraged if you’d received anything less than a perfect grade.”

     “You’re just saying that,” Ali replied, but Ashlyn heard the smile in her voice.

     Ashlyn shook her head. “You practiced that presentation with me at least forty times,” she said. “I consider myself an authority on ‘evolving trends in the digital age’ now. If you could teach those things to me when I have no knowledge of anything to do with marketing and advertising aside from a couple of memorized commercial jingles, I think you’re a genius at what you do.”

     “You’re sweet.”

     “You’re smart.”

     “Oh, so I’m not sweet?”

     Ashlyn chuckled, taking a left and beginning to look for a parking space. “Don’t bait me.”

     “Fine, but only because you’re about to walk into an interview and you’ve gotta bring your A game.” There was a muffling noise and Ashlyn pictured Ali bringing her scarf over her face as she went outside. “You ready?”

     Ashlyn sighed, pulling her truck into a parallel space and turning the ignition off. She checked her watch, comfortable with her fifteen minute cushion. “I think so,” she said, reaching over to grab her messenger bag. “I have some good pieces and I’m ready with a nice little ‘this is me and I’m great’ speech. Hopefully they respond to self-confidence.”

     “You’ve got _great_ pieces, Ash. You’re more than ready. You’re gonna walk in there, blow them away and then tonight? We celebrate.”

     “Whatcha got in mind?” Ashlyn said, butterflies in her stomach.

     “I’d love to regale you with my plans,” Ali started, huffing and puffing, “but it’s snowing, I’m freezing, and you’ve gotta go inside.”

     “Tease,” Ashlyn remarked, sighing and rubbing a hand down her face. “Okay, I’m ready. I’m gonna go in, get settled and then be ready when they call me. I’ll call you after okay? I love you.”

     “Sounds good. Knock ‘em dead, babe. Love you!” Ali blew a kiss into the phone, and then she was gone.

     Ashlyn walked into the modern styled building with confidence; she had two small pieces in her hand as well as pictures and specs for other, larger pieces in her bag. She had a pep in her step and felt even physically sound as she wore the shirt Ali had insisted on ironing for her. As she walked up to the front desk, Ashlyn wondered why she had spent so much time worrying.

     “Can I help you?” asked the receptionist with perfectly coiffed hair.

     “I’m Ashlyn Harris,” she replied, “I have a four o’clock appointment with Ms. Witwen and Mr. Cooke.”

     Ashlyn waited patiently, rocking back on her heels as the receptionist typed away. He looked up with a questioning eye, grabbing her attention back from the sculpture on a well-lit table. “I’m sorry, I think there’s been a mistake. I have a meeting scheduled, but it was for three.”

     It was as though a bucket of ice water had been dumped over her head; Ashlyn did a double take, eyes wide in panic. “No, I didn’t – I have it written down, just one second.”

     She placed her work on the small desk in front of her, not paying attention to their wobbling as she frantically began to dig in her messenger bag. Just as she clasped her grip on the small notebook where she’d jotted down the details for that day, the piece she knew she felt more confident about rolled off and onto the floor, immediately breaking two sections off.

     “Fuck!” Ashlyn said, hastily dropping to her feet to collect the debris. “Sorry,” she added, “Just give me one more second.” She raised back up, placing the pieces on the surface and having them scatter from the ledge down onto his keyboard. “Shit!”

     “If you’ll go have a seat ma’am, I’ll see if one of them is still available.” The receptionist pointed across the room to a row of stiff, straight-backed white chairs before picking up his phone and cradling it between his cheek and shoulder. As he typed an extension into his phone, Ashlyn did her best to collect her shattered fragments and shuffle over to the seats, burning red with humiliation.

     She listened to him speak quietly, straining her ears to pick up bits like “the girl from the three o’clock”, “artist maybe”, and “okay I’ll let her know”. As she waited, she finally dug her small pad from her bag, flipping anxiously through the pages, praying it was their mistake. However, once she saw her scribbled writing, recalling perfectly the moment she’d put the pen to paper she saw it plain as day: 3 P.M.

     Ashlyn looked up in abject terror, feeling the floor open up beneath her and for a moment, she wished it would. She scrambled to find the confidence receding from her heart, anxiously working to set her feet on the ground again. If all she was going to get was a sliver, she was going to need to be prepared.

     “Miss Harris?”

     Ashlyn jerked her head up, meeting a bored, even gaze. “Ms. Witwen has fifteen minutes, if you’d like them.”

     Her head on a bobble, Ashlyn stood up as he did; walking in the direction he was pointing, leaving the broken pieces of her sculpture behind on the coffee table.

* * *

     “Ms. Witwen? I have Ashlyn Harris for you.”

     “Yes, come in, please,” came a low timbre voice from behind a turned computer chair; its occupant was hunched over an open drawer, rifling through folders. When a paper was selected, the chair turned, tall woman in it straightening as she revolved. “You can have a seat,” she added, directing Ashlyn to the clear chairs in front of the desk.

     Ashlyn darted forward, hands gripping onto her messenger bag to pull it to her lap as she sat down; the chair was uncomfortable, and immediately she wished that she would’ve stayed standing. Still, she sat at attention, waiting while the gallery owner read the top lines of the document over her narrow framed glasses.

     She waited as long as she could, a thousand apologies tripping over themselves in her mouth until she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Ashlyn watched a light snow shower begin in the large bay windows behind her desk, the only motion visible as the woman continued to read. Ashlyn twisted her hands, feeling an ache in her knuckles as the pressure increased until she cleared her throat.

     “I’m so, so sorry I’m late, Ms. Witwen” she said quietly, coughing midway through. “I had the wrong time written down. I don’t – this isn’t typically me.”

     “It’s alright,” Witwen said, taking her time before looking up at Ashlyn and giving her a strange smile. “It happens to the best of us.”

     Ashlyn opened her mouth to speak again right as Witwen did, the two of them stuttering over each other. Finally, Ashlyn closed her mouth firmly and the woman continued.

     “So you had wanted to interview for the spring internship, correct?”

 _Had wanted to_ ; the words screamed through Ashlyn’s brain, over and over in an instant while her anxiety built steadily higher. She nodded slowly, feeling sweat beading on her brow.

     “Yes ma’am,” she said. “I heard about it through a friend – Uh, Mac? He, of course he has a last name but you know – his artist name is Mac.”

     “Yes, I’m familiar with him,” the woman said. “He’s had quite a few showings here before.”

     “Right,” Ashlyn mumbled, flushing a deep pink. She fidgeted with the straps on her messenger bag, brain still trying for survival; joke, compliment, anything – and then it occurred to her to use what she’d brought. “I have, uhm,” she placed the single sculpture she had left on Witwen’s desk, then dove into her bag for her spec sheets. “I brought some work for you to look over, for the experience requirement.”

     “Great, let’s have a look,” the woman replied, reaching out to take the small oblong structure and examine it from different angles. “Can you talk about this piece?”

     “It’s uh,” Ashlyn started, narrowing her eyes on the shiny surface. In truth, she’d forgotten; it was as though she couldn’t remember anything about having made it, from concept to finishing. There was something pinging in the back of her brain, urging her to speak. _Talk you fucking moron,_ it screamed. _You’re fucking blowing this._ “It was inspired by Rocky Mountain Park,” she spit out, her brain desperately casting for a memory and coming up with the sunshine filled day on the highest point of Trail Ridge Road.

     “Mountains,” the woman said, turning the mostly rounded structure over in her palms, smoothing them over the surface. “Can you expand on that?”

     “I wanted to – uh, I wanted to really try to capture the way I feel about them,” Ashlyn finished with a grimace.

     “Right,” Witwen said, placing the piece back down on the desk and sliding it towards Ashlyn. “So these would be from your larger items, correct?”

     “Yes! They are,” Ashlyn said, reaching forward to spread out the pages. She felt confident in them, remembering exactly the way she’d felt as she held her new tools in her hands; she’d felt supported by Ali and the love between them, and she’d worked until very late that night, having to be kicked out of the school studio by the night security guard.

     “This piece is something I did right after Christmas,” Ashlyn explained, drawing her fingers around the printed edges of the artwork. “I was inspired by my girlfriend,” she smiled. “We’d just done the whole ‘I love you’ thing and she’d gotten me this great tool set. I felt like she believed in my work and what I was doing so when I was moving things around, I thought about her and moved stuff as my gut directed.”

     She grinned down at the page, but her good feeling left as soon as she looked back up at Witwen, meeting a politely dubious gaze. Immediately she gulped the happy breath in her chest, her dread coming back far stronger. It wasn’t going well, and she knew it. Every instinct in her body began to scream one thought: _Run_.

     “Miss Harris,” Witwen started, and Ashlyn felt her legs jerk, urging her to stand. “Would you like for me to be frank?”

 _No_ , her brain immediately thought and she only just kept her mouth stamped shut to avoid saying it. Not trusting her voice, she nodded.

     Witwen sighed, leaning back in her chair. “I don’t believe you’re ready.”

     “I’m not ready,” Ashlyn repeated robotically, feeling her stomach drop.

     “No,” the woman said, shaking her head. “Not yet. It’s not to say that you won’t be there eventually, but right now, you’re not where you need to be to …”

     As she trailed off, Ashlyn knew what she was going to say. “To be here.”

     Witwen nodded slowly, and Ashlyn felt as though she were free falling through space. This had been the plan, this had always been the plan. Shoot for the internship of her dreams junior year and be in prime position for a gallery showing upon graduation; she hadn’t planned much, but she knew she definitely didn’t plan for a derailing.

     “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear,” the woman said, and Ashlyn just shrugged softly as she watched her check her watch. “Unfortunately, I have to run to another meeting, but Ashlyn—“

     The usage of her name caught her attention and a bloom of optimism flared in her chest.

     “We have an excellent development program that I think you should apply to.” The light extinguished, replaced instantly with shame. “I know talent when I see it.”

     Ashlyn nodded dumbly, rising to her feet. “Thank you,” she said mechanically, turning on her heel and using every ounce of mental capacity left to keep herself from running from the building.

* * *

     Once inside her truck, slamming the door behind her, Ashlyn realized that she’d left everything on the desk when she bolted from the room. There was only a quarter of a second’s thought as she considered going back, but the idea of facing the pity-filled face of the gallery owner had her fumbling with her keys, turning the ignition with shaking hands.

     It was a beast deep inside her chest: the miserable, tight feeling of failure. She felt its scaled hands grab onto her jaw, demand her attention and she fought it as best she could. _Look at you_ , it whispered in her ear cruelly, _look at your fucking catastrophe. Look at what you’ve created._ She turned her truck onto the freeway, whipping around faster than she needed to but wanting so hard to slam her foot down, to feel the roar of the engine as she sped away.

     It curled around her heart and brain, encapsulating her mental and emotional senses. _I fucked up_ , she thought wildly, jerking through traffic without using her signal or courteous pacing. _I fucked up_ : it ran through her head as steady stream, punctuated with the agonized laughter from the beast in her chest and it took half of the drive for her to realize she’d been crying, tears dripping from her jaw down onto her shirt.

     From the drink holder, her phone buzzed to life and she needn’t look to know who was calling. Suddenly, the thought of Ali’s bright voice sickened her; it would just be more pity, more excuses, more coddling. She thought of their earlier phone call: it hadn’t yet been a full hour but it was years away from the confidence she’d felt at the time. She remembered Ali’s success, the praise she’d heaped upon her and received in return; she remembered Ali’s promise of celebration.

     The beast crushed her hand in place, fisting her palm against her thigh as the phone ceased to make noise. There was a soft silence and then it came again: the insistent vibration of silent mode, the blunt noise echoing through the near silent cab – discordant symphony created with Ashlyn’s racking sobs. She had a small moment of relief when it stopped, halted only when she saw the notification that she’d received a voicemail.

     She reached for her phone with trembling hands, and her thumb hovered over the circled red “1” icon; she knew she should, and an infinitesimal part of her thought maybe, perhaps, she could feel better falling into the love that would surely be offered. But then the moment passed and instead she tapped the green envelope, haphazardly glancing up at the road as she thumbed a series of texts.

 **Ashlyn:** What are you doing right now

 **Kel:** just got outta class whats up?

     A loud honk got Ashlyn’s attention, and she barely had time to jerk back into her lane. The guy in the red Mazda flipped her off, speeding ahead into traffic. She made the jackoff motion too late and annoyed, she considered briefly following after to ensure he’d seen it. Instead, she looked back down at her phone.

 **Ashlyn:** can you meet me at billys

 **Kel** : uh sure. you’re back at work?

 **Ashlyn:** no, im done for the day but I could use a drink

 **Kel:** uh oh. Im on my way

 **Ashlyn** : see you in 20 mins.

     She placed her phone back in the cup holder, looking up and swinging around a particularly sluggish BMW. Unfortunately, the driver decided right at that moment to change lanes, and he nearly sideswiped her but luckily she drove onto the shoulder, spitting rocks and debris behind her, but avoiding a collision.

     “Motherfucker!” she shouted, pointing at her head over and over as she drew level with him. “Use your fucking brain!”

     The man yelled back and veered back towards her, forcing her onto the shoulder again. Adrenaline surged through her body and a recklessness took control. She started inching her way back and as she continued to yell, she saw the man’s expression change.

 _You’re fucking crazy_! He mouthed angrily, changing back into the other lane and speeding off. Ashlyn’s heart thudded wildly in her ribcage and again she wanted to take off, go after him and force him into a sidewall. She felt anger ripping through her, the beast laughing in the background.

     Her phone vibrated in the cup holder again, and she reached to answer Kelley’s question.

 **Elevator Ali** : hey baby how did ur meeting go? Call me xo

     Ashlyn threw her phone until it bounced off the bench, clattering as it nestled between the seat and the passenger door.

* * *

     “So she told you –“

     “That I fucking suck, yeah,” Ashlyn said, downing another shot of vodka and slamming the glass down on the bar. “That I’m a fucking loser and I’ll never be in a fucking gallery.”

     “But the program that she told you about, the developmental one?” Kelley pressed, taking a sip of her own shot. She sat it down next to the other two, leaving nearly a third of how many sat in front of Ashlyn.

     “It’s just a bullshit redirect,” Ashlyn said bitterly, raising her hand to Regan who nodded. “She just wanted me to get out of there.”

     “Unless you’re not telling me something, she didn’t ask you to go …” Kelley trailed off, frowning at the bartender when she delivered a new shotglass.

     “She had a ‘meeting’,” Ashlyn mimicked, downing the vodka. “AKA she wanted me to get out of there.”

     “Well, you were late. She probably had other things scheduled,” Kelley said, trying to hold Ashlyn’s hand down from raising towards Regan.

     “I know, thanks for reminding me.” Ashlyn jerked her hand out of Kelley’s, reaching in her back pocket to check her ringing phone. She made a face and silenced it again; as she made to shove it back down into her pocket, her intoxicated hands fumbled and it clattered to the floor.

     “I got it,” Kelley said, reaching down between them and retrieving the phone. “Aw hell, you cracked your screen.”

     “Did that earlier,” Ashlyn remarked, putting her phone down on the bar.

     “What happened?” Kelley asked cautiously.

     “Threw it,” Ashlyn said, looking at Regan and nodding.

     “Why?”

     “Wouldn’t stop ringing.”

     Kelley was silent, watching the redhead pour into a fresh shot glass. “You’re gonna have to start washing fucking glasses soon,” Kelley snapped as she approached, indicating towards the ones in front of Ashlyn.

     “Excuse me?” Regan asked, raising an eyebrow.

     “I thought part of bartender training was knowing when someone is too fucking hammered to need another,” she said bitterly, pushing the shot glass out of Ashlyn’s hand as she raised it to her mouth. “And you! Stop ignoring Ali.”

     “Who says I’m ignoring Ali?” Ashlyn asked, annoyed as she dabbed dumbly at her shirt.

     “She fucking does,” Kelley insisted, picking up her phone and showing the screen to Ashlyn. “She’s texted me twice. I told her I’d make you answer but you don’t. What the fuck am I supposed to tell her?”

     “She’s _my_ girlfriend,” Ashlyn spat, “so you don’t have to tell her shit.”

     “Well if you’re not then someone has to,” Kelley said, turning down to her phone. “’Sorry, your girlfriend is being belligerent and feeling fucking sorry for herself. I’ll let you know when she stops being so selfish’. Think that’s succinct?”

     “Shut up dude, I mean it,” Ashlyn said, fixing a beady eye on her. “You don’t understand.”

     “What don’t I understand?” Kelley asked, swiveling on her barstool to face Ashlyn head on. “You called me up and asked for someone to get drunk with. You’re fucking bummed, I get it. You don’t have to get over it right now, but Ali deserves better than this from you.”

     “Ali’s doing just fucking fine on her own,” Ashlyn shouted, turning and standing to where she was nearly nose to nose with the drummer. “She’s sure as shit better off without me.”

     “What does that mean?” But Ashlyn had turned, walking off towards the doors.

     “Fuck!” Kelley muttered, turning towards Regan who was steadily not paying attention. “Hey! Hey! I need the check!”

     The redhead ignored her, shooting a raised eyebrow in her direction before going back to a group of guys. “Bitch,” Kelley scoffed, reaching in her back pocket to grab cash. She jerked her head back around, seeing Ashlyn’s blonde hair disappear through the closing door. “Shit, shit, shit – Ashlyn you fucking asshole.” Finally, she threw all of her cash on the bar, hoping against hope it was enough to cover their drinks and took off after her.

     She wrenched the double doors open, but she already knew it was too late. The flashing blue and red lights hurt her eyes; she threw her hands up in front of her face as she walked towards the woman who was yelling halfway across the parking lot.

     “Fuck off!” Ashlyn yelled at the approaching police officer. “I’m not fucking driving. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m fucking twenty one years old. I work here for Christ’s sake!”

     “Ma’am, calm down,” he said, reaching to his side.

     “Officer!” Kelley called, jogging through the night air. “Sorry! I’m with her! I’ve got her. I was closing our tab. I’m taking her home. She’s fine.”

     “Yeah Officer Dumbass, I’m with her. Go back to your traffic stop, buddy.”

     Kelley groaned, rubbing a hand over her face. “Ashlyn, shut the fuck up dude. Seriously.”

     “Ma’am, have you heard of public intoxication laws?” The officer asked, pulling a pad from his belt.

     “Officer, have _you_ heard of public dumbass laws?” Ashlyn cracked, laughing obnoxiously in his face.

     “Okay, you’re coming with me. You can sleep it off down at county.” He reached forward, motioning behind her, “Turn around please.”

     “What the fuck are you doing?” Ashlyn shouted as he began to turn her by her shoulders.

     “I’m bringing in a female, early 20s, blonde – currently public intoxication with other charges pending,” he said into the walkie on his shoulder, removing his handcuffs from his belt.

     “Ashlyn, stop,” Kelley said, running her hands through her hair. “Don’t do anything else stupid.”

     “You stupid asshole,” Ashlyn grunted as he wrenched her arms behind her.

     “Seriously, shut the fuck up,” Kelley said, taking steps towards her and stopping when the cop held out a hand.

     “Stay back,” he said in a commanding voice and Kelley did as requested, nervously twisting her hands.

     “Just quit Ash,” she said. “Do what he asks. Fuck, do you have my number memorized? You’re gonna need it.”

     “Into the car,” the officer said, marching her towards the backseat and opening the door.

     By the grace of God, Kelley didn’t hear another word for Ashlyn, praying she realized how much trouble she was in. As they drove off, she dug her phone out again, resignedly scrolling until she found the right number.

     “Hey, Ali? It’s Kelley.”

* * *

     The sun had risen enough to bathe the front of the jail in gold; Ali stood waiting outside, hands wrapped around two cups of coffee, unsure of what she was going to say. She wanted more time, anything for more time; how had it all gone wrong?

     Kelley had rambled a lot on the phone, something about Ashlyn fucking up her interview and getting to drunk at the bar. Ali had begun to put on her shoes, until Kelley started talking about the cop waiting in the parking lot, likely for drunks she’d said, and that Ashlyn just didn’t know how to keep her fucking mouth shut.

     “You’ll probably need to wait,” Kelley said with a deep sigh. “I had a friend get arrested once for public intoxication. We wasted a lot of time waiting for him there. They’ll likely take all night to process her and give her the phone call.”

     “Shit Kelley,” Ali breathed, urging herself to stay calm. “What the fuck happened?”

     “I don’t know,” Kelley replied helplessly. “She just wouldn’t give herself a break, no matter what I said. Be prepared for a monster,” she said with a humorless laugh.

     “Thanks,” Ali said, letting the phone fall down to the bed.

     Ashlyn had been succinct on her phone call; this is where you can pick me up, this is what it’ll cost, this is the time, _I’ll pay you back_. Anytime Ali broke ranks, Ashlyn went silent. “I only have a few minutes. That can wait.”

     Ali shivered, more from anxiety than the early morning chill. Then, the front doors were opening and Ashlyn was coming out, hands shoved deep into the pocket of her jeans, hair in an unkempt bun. Ali took a tentative step towards her, but when they made eye contact Ashlyn stopped and so did she. The silence continued, punctuated by morning traffic and cooing birds in nearby trees.

 _This is ridiculous_ , Ali thought and she began to move again, reaching her in roughly fifteen steps; each growing louder as she continued to walk. She held out a cup, allowing Ashlyn to take it wordlessly.

     “Where’s your truck?” she asked, taking a sip of her own.

     “Billy’s,” came the short reply, Ashlyn curling her hands around the paper cup. “’Should go get it soon.”

     “Let’s go,” Ali said, turning and hearing Ashlyn follow suit.

     They walked in silence save for occasional slurps of hot coffee, steam pouring from their mouths. Ali looked over twice, but Ashlyn looked resolutely forward and she didn’t press it, not just yet. They climbed into Ali’s car, busying themselves with buckling their seatbelts and setting their coffees down into the holders. Ali made a show of slowly removing her keys from her bag, going through each key until she had her VW key in hand, swinging the rest insistently until they clattered in her hand.

     Still, Ashlyn stared, digging under her fingernails. Ali sighed in deep annoyance, dropping her keys and turning towards her. “Ashlyn, we will not move until you talk to me.”

     “What do you want me to say Ali?” She asked quietly.

     “Baby, I was so worried about you,” Ali gushed, reaching out to take her hand but it was removed. “You didn’t call me back all day yesterday even though I left you messages. I had to text Kelley, Ash.”

     Ashlyn looked out the window and grunted.

     “Seriously?” Ali asked, heat flaring in her chest. “I came to pick you up from fucking jail and you’re gonna play the fucking sullen teenager?”

     “Lay off, Ali,” Ashlyn said, whipping her head around. “You can either take me back to Billy’s or I can get another ride.”

     They stared each other down, Ali feeling the urge to fight fire with fire and Ashlyn bitterly hating Kelley for calling the one person she didn’t want to see. Why couldn’t she have come herself? Any of the guys in the band?

     Ali took a deep breath, counting the seconds until she could soften her brow, fixing Ashlyn with a concerned look. “Please talk to me baby. I know you’re upset but if I don’t know what’s going on then I can’t help you.”

     Something in her face brought a halt to the beast clawing inside of Ashlyn’s chest; brought a stillness between them and her face broke immediately. “I fucked up, Al,” she said quietly, shaking her head. “I was late, and then my work wasn’t good enough and I just … I couldn’t hear it. So, I had to go get drunk. And then Kelley was up my ass about all of it and I didn’t know what to say to you. You were so proud of me baby, you were so … You thought I could do it and I couldn’t. I couldn’t fucking do it.”

     She hit a wall then; throat constricting around so much vulnerability, and lack of sleep as she’d spent most her night straight backed against a cinder block wall. Ali reached over again and Ashlyn let her grab onto her hand; their fingers entwining together.

     “Honey, we don’t have to …” Ali started, taking a soft breath. “How about we just start with breakfast?”

     Ashlyn nodded, squeezing their hands together, only letting go when Ali had to put the car in gear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all rock. No seriously! Thank you all for being so patient! I'm back at it!


	17. you never let me give up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn go to Aspen for a weekend; Ashlyn is distracted.
> 
> *Also, just a warning: we're getting into some darker thoughts here which may be triggers for depression, so please be advised. Feel free to message me on Tumblr for a synopsis of plot advancement without having to read through. :)*

     “Hi!” Ali said once the door opened. She stood there with her hair pulled back, dressed in yoga pants and a thick sweater, her wheeled travel bag at her side. “Are you ready?

     Ashlyn gave her best half smile before it turned into a grimace. Ali’s shoulders drooped and she tilted her head to the side. “You’re kidding me,” she said, trying to look around her body.

     “Just like, fifteen minutes,” Ashlyn said, grunting when Ali tried to push past her into her bedroom. “Can’t you wait in your car?”

     “Oh? In the car? Like I’m your driver?” Ali challenged, pushing her hand into Ashlyn’s chest and walking her backwards. “You said you’d be ready!”

     They made it all the way inside, the heavy door thudding to a close before Ali could make a sound. “Ashlyn Michelle Harris …”

     “Fifteen minutes!” Ashlyn replied, trying to put herself in front of Ali to block off her view of the room. Her arms were spread out wide, futile in hiding any of the piles of dirty laundry, schoolwork, and even trash. Ali just pushed her away, walking into the room while shaking her head.

     “Ashlyn,” she started, turning around to her. “Is this why you haven’t let me come pick you up in two weeks?”

     “Yes,” came Alyssa’s voice from the top bunk. She peered over the edge, dropping her headphones from her ears. “Don’t look at me. I’ve been telling her to clean for days now. It was typical Ashlyn for a while but it’s taken a dark turn in the last week.”

     “It’s not that bad,” Ashlyn said.

     “I can literally look on your floor and tell you what you’ve had for dinner for the last week,” Ali said, kicking a pizza box. “This is gross.”

     Ashlyn responded with a sigh, reaching underneath her bed to pull out a large Nike duffel bag. “I thought you wanted me to pack.”

     “I did. Two hours ago,” Ali remarked, walking to Ashlyn’s desk. She looked down at the chair that had been repurposed for a stack of Chinese takeout containers, three textbooks and what looked like two pairs of dirty jeans. Scrunching her nose, she looked around and then crossed to sit on Alyssa’s side instead.

     “I’ll probably move faster if you’re not in here,” Ashlyn griped, relocating a stack of trash so she could get into her drawers.

     “You’d probably move faster if you didn’t have to Wall-E your way through your bedroom.”

     “Ali.”

     “Ashlyn.”

     Ashlyn stood facing her drawers, biting her lip to keep her remark to herself. She felt immensely frustrated; a combination of her adamant refusal to pack early which led directly to this moment, and Ali’s incessant need to mother her at times. She’d been incorrigible since that morning; the morning where they’d both stood waiting, watching the other for movement. It’d been that way ever since.

     While she’d known that Ali would have a hard time dropping everything that had occurred that day, she didn’t think she’d hover so much. She’d been soft and understanding throughout breakfast, and Ashlyn thought she might manage to make it without ever having to go into details about the hell she’d gone through. Alas, it took no longer than the minute they were back in the car for Ali to turn to her.

     “We’re going to talk now,” she said defiantly, twisting in her seat to address Ashlyn.

     “Ali,” she’d started, shaking her head but she was interrupted.

     “No. No ‘Ali’. You just got arrested. Take me through it, please.”

     It’d been a long conversation and by the time they were done, Ashlyn just wanted a full bottle of water and to be back in her dorm room alone. Ali had been kind; too kind, she realized later, about the rejection from the art gallery. Ashlyn couldn’t help but feel like perhaps Ali had been expecting for her to not get it, and she’d had a speech prepared in advance.

 _That’s crazy_ , she tried to tell herself in vain, _she wouldn’t have said all that stuff about celebrating together. She wouldn’t have rubbed the presentation in my face_. But the horned devil on her shoulder kept whispering, kept suggesting and by the time two weeks rolled by, Ashlyn was convinced that Ali hadn’t thought her able.

     When Ali suggested they spend their first Valentine’s weekend in Aspen, Ashlyn fought the knee jerk reaction to say no. She knew she wouldn’t have a believable excuse, no matter how honestly she didn’t want to go. She didn’t know how to tell her that staying for the weekend in what was likely to be an obnoxiously large “extra” home her parents owned wasn’t exactly an ego boost. So, when the official question was asked, Ashlyn gave her best enthusiastic yes and sulked in silence.

     Ashlyn dragged out a pair of sweatpants, some boxer briefs and began rummaging for t-shirts. “Fifteen minutes, babe. I’ll be ready in fifteen.”

* * *

     It only took twelve for them to make it downstairs; Ashlyn had found herself unable to ignore Ali’s increasingly louder exasperated sighs as she pretended to look through her phone. By the time she’d uttered a very grumpy, “Let’s go,” she wasn’t completely positive of what she’d packed in her bag, but knew that if they didn’t leave soon they wouldn’t be going at all.

     The sun was rising steadily in a cloudless sky as they drove through the early morning streets of Boulder, Ali chatting animatedly in the driver’s seat while Ashlyn sulked out of the passenger window. She felt a small amount of shame; Ali had been planning the trip for weeks, continuously checking in with Ashlyn to see if she wanted to give any input no matter how much of a stony response she received.

     She looked over at a red light, smile forming as she watched Ali rant about the proposed increase in next year’s sorority dues and her incredulity on the necessity of it; her hands gesticulating wildly around her body. The sunlight reflecting from nearby buildings washed a golden glow over her, and despite all of Ashlyn’s earlier frustrations, she reached across the console to take her hand from the air and wrap their fingers together.

     “What?” Ali asked, cutting herself off mid-sentence with a grin. “Am I going on too much about this?”

     “Not at all,” Ashlyn replied, and prayed she wouldn’t be quizzed on the conversation which she hadn’t been following. “Just wanted to hold your hand.”

     Ali squeezed their hands together with an even larger smile, her nose scrunching for effect. “Are you finally getting excited about this?”

     “Finally?” Ashlyn asked, leaning into the passenger seat floorboard to start rummaging through the meticulously packed snack bag. “I’ve been excited.”

     “Ooh, gummy worms!” Ali said, pointing down. When Ashlyn handed her an opened bag, she gave her a look. “Please. Baby, you’ve been miserable since I even suggested it. The only reason I kept going through with it is because it’s a free place to stay for a romantic weekend away. We’ve spent enough on hotel rooms recently.”

     Ashlyn shook her head at the way Ali waggled her eyebrows, digging into a package of pink Starbursts. “ _Anyway_ ,” she started, popping a wrapped candy into her mouth, “I’m excited now. Gimme a break.”

     “What are you doing?” Ali asked incredulously. “Don’t eat the paper. You’re not a goat.”

     “What?” Ashlyn mumbled over the candy, her tongue rolling around her mouth and slurring her words. “You’ve never done this?”

     “Done what?” Ali chewed off the end of a gummy worm, pausing.

     Ashlyn mumbled some more, making a face as she wrenched her cheeks from side to side. Ali watched with a wholly confused expression, eyes glancing over at her girlfriend between merging through traffic on the highway. After a few minutes, Ashlyn murmured a triumphant noise, clapped her hands and then reached up to pull the wrapper from between her lips.

     “Ta-daaa,” she said, teeth closing on the candy. “I am the master.”

     "Did you just – “

     “Yes ma’am,” Ashlyn said, grinning. “Completely with my tongue. Aren’t you a lucky girl?”

     Ali rolled her eyes. “Lucky that my girlfriend attempts to flirt with me by slobbering over candy? Geez, they’re just lining up to take my place.”

     "Everybody wants a felon,” Ashlyn quipped, but her smile faltered as soon as she caught Ali’s wide eyes. “What?”

     “No, I just … It’s nothing … You just called yourself a –“

     “Well technically I’m kidding. It was just a misdemeanor.” When Ali just furrowed her brow at the road ahead, Ashlyn sighed. “It was a joke, Al.”

     “Not funny though, is it?” Ali asked quietly, checking her rearview mirror.

     Ashlyn crossed her arms, leaning back against the headrest to look out the window once more.

* * *

     “Not to be dramatic but if you don’t pull over in the next two minutes, I’m going to pee all over your seat and it won’t be pretty. Also, I won’t clean it up because I’ve been telling you I’ve needed to go for twenty miles.”

     Ali rolled her eyes and watched a crosswalk full of tourists fill and empty. “I told _you_ an hour and fifteen minutes ago that we were coming up on a gas station and asked if you wanted to stop. You said no.”

     “That was before I drank my weight in Coke Zero,” Ashlyn said, groaning and pulling on the lap band of her seat belt.

     “I think I also told you to cool it on drinking so much while we were only halfway there. You know I don’t like stopping on road trips,” Ali responded, rolling through town at the posted thirty miles an hour. “Besides, we’re almost there.”

     “But it’s a road trip!” Ashlyn said, throwing her hands in the air. “You make stops! You take pictures! You pee!”

     “Or, it’s Friday morning and I wanted to beat the traffic from the city,” Ali said, speeding up as they went along a mountain road. “It gets awful coming up here.”

     "God, it kills me. Poor rich people that have to wait in _line_ to get to their fancy manors.” Ashlyn pulled at the inseam of her pants. “Seriously, your car is going to smell like urine for weeks.”

     “Pee in my car and you’re walking home,” Ali threatened, turning on her blinker.

     Ashlyn started a steady whine, not noticing the paved road they were on was in fact a driveway. She caught her next complaint in her throat when they came around a corner and the main part of the house came into view. “Holy shit,” she breathed, leaning forward onto the edge of her seat. “Are you kidding me?”

     Ali grinned nervously, pulling her car to a stop in front of what appeared to be one of two garages. “Do you like it?”

     “Do I like it,” Ashlyn repeated, her head straining to look on either side of the house. “Well, take it this way … I’m not as focused on needing to pee anymore.”

     “High praise,” Ali snorted, turning the car off. As the engine popped, she turned to her girlfriend who had her nose nearly pressed against the passenger window, undoubtedly having caught a peek of the view from the back patio. “Wanna head inside?”

     Ashlyn just nodded, absently reaching for her door handle. As she exited the car, the late winter wind caught her hair and whipping it around her face, thankfully hiding the drop jawed expression. It was gorgeous, so much so that she was struggling to find the words to describe it. She turned to Ali who was opening the trunk to retrieve their bags. “Duchess Krieger, indeed.”

     “You’re supposed to curtsy,” Ali teased, handing Ashlyn her bag. She pulled up the bar on her own suitcase, reaching out her free hand. “Come on, you’re getting the full treatment.”

     They circled through the edge of the lawn over a small stone path, Ashlyn admiring the winter shrubs and the edges of the grass as they sloped down towards a lining of trees on either side. She could barely make out the neighbors, hardly believing the privacy that a house this size could have guaranteed. As they joined in with the main walk, she was unable to stop a low whistle. “Definitely not a duchess. I think ‘Princess’ is certainly more fitting.”

     “Welcome to my family’s vacation home,” Ali said, stopping them midway up the sidewalk.

     Ashlyn grinned over at her, shaking her head. “This is nuts, baby. I can’t even imagine the house you grew up in.”

     They started walking again, the chill in the air threatening the edges of their coats and scarves. “By all standards, the Virginia house is much more …”

     “Normal?” Ashlyn interjected as Ali chewed her words.

     Ali nudged her shoulder as they reached the front door. She reached for some keys, fumbling through them until she found the right one. “Alright, I’ll skip making you close your eyes.”

     “Hit me,” Ashlyn said, walking through the door as Ali pushed it open.

     They entered through a large ornate foyer that looked like it led to a formal study on one side with a short hallway on the other. Ashlyn could see through into a living room, complete with exposed beams and what looked to be a heavenly level of comfortable leather couch when Ali pushed her to the right.

     “For being so patient,” Ali said, opening a door to a small bathroom. “When you’re done, I’ll be in the living room.”

     “Please tell me the water in the toilets isn’t Cristal or something,” Ashlyn smirked, flicking on the light and closing the door while Ali rolled her eyes.

     As soon as she was alone, Ashlyn gripped onto either side of the deep basin, urging herself to breathe. She wasn’t sure exactly what had done it, why she was beginning to feel the edges of panic and doubt creeping into her chest. From Ali’s reserved answers to any questions on the description, Ashlyn had expected something lavish but she wasn’t sure if she’d prepared herself fully.

     She turned on the taps slowly, breathing deeply until she could cup water in her hands to run over her face. _I’m tired_ , she said to herself, _it was a long drive. It’s nothing_. She watched the stream of water encircle the drain for a few moments, droplets from her chin and nose falling to join. As she reached for a wash cloth from a stack on a smooth wooden shelf, a small voice in the back of her mind began to whisper: _maybe you’re nothing._

     As soon as she heard it she slammed her hands down on the edges of the sink, hissing a low “ _No_ ”, the sound blending in with Ali’s voice from what sounded like the foyer. “You okay?”

     “Yeah, sorry. Just a minute,” Ashlyn called, rubbing the rag over her face more to silence the sounds in her head than to dry the water.

* * *

     “So this is the kitchen,” Ali said, sweeping her hand to display the room. “This is where you’ll be fixing me some excellent meals this weekend.”

     Ashlyn snorted, walking forward to run her hands along the kitchen island. “Girl I know you saw all of those takeout containers in my room,” she said. “What makes you think I’d even know how to use any of these gadgets?”

     “Optimism,” Ali teased, walking behind her to press her chest into Ashlyn’s back. She placed a kiss at the top of her spine, sliding her hands up her sides. “Besides, I’ve cooked for you already. It’s your turn.”

     “When did you cook for me?” Ashlyn asked, turning around to bring Ali into her arms.

     The brunette fastened her hands around her shoulders, leaning up to briefly kiss her. “Sunday brunch! The Victoria’s Secret day! I totally made you pancakes.”

     “You made _everyone_ pancakes,” Ashlyn clarified.

     “But they were still for you,” Ali grinned. “Thus, you need to cook me something.”

     Ashlyn scrunched her nose, looking around the pristine kitchen. “Got any macaroni and cheese? The box stuff though. Don’t try to get all fancy with real noodles and shit.”

     “Oh boy,” Ali said, backing away until she could take Ashlyn’s hand and lead her from the room. “Onto the rest of the tour!”

     They went down a small adjoining hallway, Ali stopping at a double doorway. “Game room,” she said, pushing open the doors to reveal a decked-out entertainment center, pool table, and even a pinball machine. “Think you can beat my high score?” She bit onto Ashlyn’s earlobe gently, and was surprised when she felt her pull away. “What’s up?”

     “You’re supposed to be a tour guide,” Ashlyn said, smiling a bit too delayed. “Not trying to have your way with me in each of the rooms.”

     “I am not!” Ali said in mock scandal. “I’m trying to get you to have your way with me, obviously.” She reached forward again to pull Ashlyn close but was rebuffed again. “Am I missing something?”

     “Not at all baby,” Ashlyn said, kissing her forehead. “I just got out of the car from a four-hour drive. I’m all … you know, travel gross. I need a shower.”

     Ali’s eyes lit up. “Sounds like we should resume our tour,” she said, pushing her ahead through the doors. There were three doors at the end of the hallway, and Ali leaned back against one of them, pulling Ashlyn forward by fisting her shirt. “My room, complete with attached bathroom.”

     Ashlyn smiled softly; it was a fuller version of her shared room back at the sorority house. Lots of clean lines and a monochromatic palette of blues and greys, her furniture a complementary black. It looked to be a queen-sized bed, with enough room left for a desk and shelving with a mounted TV; a large bay window was opposite the headboard, topped off with a cushioned reading nook right below.

     “What do you think?” Ali asked quietly, resuming her place nestled into Ashlyn’s back, her hands sliding around to slide into her front pockets.

     “It’s really pretty,” Ashlyn said. “I love the window.”

     “I do too,” Ali replied, spreading her palms in the tight spaces to clutch onto Ashlyn’s thighs. “You see the nice little seat below?”

     “Mhmm,” Ashlyn murmured, grinning good naturedly when Ali pressed more insistently into her from behind.

     “You know, the whole way here I was thinking …”

     “How did you have time to think in between all of the talking?”

     “I was thinking that maybe this seat would be perfect for some of the things we have tucked away in my bag.”

     Ashlyn dropped her chin to her chest, chuckling. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you.”

     “Mountain air,” Ali quipped, removing her hands and sliding them up until she was smoothing them across Ashlyn’s abdomen. “Makes me crazy.”

     She pulled and pressed on Ashlyn’s hips until she turned around, but her hands still rested at her sides, fidgeting with the outer seams on her jeans. “Al …” she started, but Ali silenced her by pressing their mouths together.

     “I’ve got a nice bathtub in there,” Ali murmured, bunching the hem of Ashlyn’s t-shirt to begin to pull it up her body. “We can get all nice and clean and then we can see how quick we can undo all of that.”

     Ashlyn kissed her back but was quickly aware of a jarring sensation or rather, the lack of one. Where typically her body would instantly respond to Ali’s actions, there wasn’t anything stirring anywhere. Ali’s fingernails trailed up the bare skin of her chest, snapping back the lining of her sports bra gently once she pulled the shirt over her head and tossed it onto the floor. Still, Ashlyn felt nothing and it thoroughly unnerved her.

     Frustrated, she reached up to cup Ali’s jaw, tilting her head back to run her mouth along the length of her neck; it always garnered a nice breathy moan which always had Ashlyn’s hips stirring in response. However, the moan came and went and Ashlyn wanted to growl in exasperation. What was the play? Was it better or worse to pretend to be into it?

     Ali began to pull her forward by her belt loops, heading towards the door that presumably led into the bathroom. “So how about it love?”

     Before she knew it, Ashlyn was nodding; she reached down to remove Ali’s shirt, mechanically running her hands across her torso. _Fake it till you make it_ ; the words flew by in her mind’s eye, the last thought before she stopped thinking altogether.

* * *

     The fire crackled away in the corner of the living room, small pops and sizzling sounds a peaceful ambiance as Ashlyn tucked herself deeper into the large, worn leather armchair. It was somewhere in between too late and too early, though she never found a clock to verify. The stillness of the house reflected out of the large back floor to ceiling windows, the outlines of the Rocky Mountains in the distance.

     Ashlyn had awoken in Ali’s arms, their bodies splayed together under the blankets in her bedroom. After Ali’s earlier insistence, Ashlyn had been able to avoid her from requesting it again, focusing instead on movies and the game room and anything else she could think to distract her. If her girlfriend had ever cottoned on, she didn’t show any indication to Ashlyn and the two of them had fallen asleep early in the evening.

     At least, Ali had fallen into a restful sleep. Ashlyn tossed and turned, continuously waking from dreams that she couldn’t quite remember; left grasping onto their tails as they ran from the forefront of her brain. Still, Ali slept beside her, occasionally turning to tuck her body into Ashlyn’s side, grasping onto her bare skin and nuzzling them together. Finally, on the fourth time she woke, Ashlyn decided to give up the ghost and began to wander the house.

     The mugs had been easy enough to find in the kitchen, as was the microwave, hidden behind a wooden panel. Trickier were the tea canisters that Ali had told her existed, and twice Ashlyn was tempted to wake her before she could find the box that attempted to promise an easier sleep. _Tea_ , she thought, watching the ceramic glass revolve through the door, _tea and then back to bed._

     Since she’d first walked through the house, she knew she wanted to sit in the chair by the fireplace. It sat on its own, wide enough for two which meant it was likely supremely perfect to curl up in alone. Ashlyn sat her cup and saucer down on the side table, grabbing a throw blanket before taking a seat. Her bare skin glided along the craftily conditioned and broken in leather and Ashlyn leaned her head back to smile at the comfort.

     It had taken less than a minute sitting in the dark before Ashlyn knew what would put the perfect final touch on everything. She’d figured out how to start the fire quickly enough, having heard Ali go over it briefly when they did their walkthrough. As soon as the flames came to life, their orange and yellow glows dancing across the ceiling, Ashlyn sank back into the chair, unable to hide a contented sigh.

     She chased the thoughts around in her head, both deeply curious about her current state of being and too afraid to ask questions. She was anxious that she’d find something lurking there that hadn’t been before, some hidden reason that was sure to devastate or unbalance her. Ali had looked so beautiful in the shower spray, playfully filling her mouth to demonstrate proper sprinkler function until Ashlyn couldn’t help but laugh along.

     Ashlyn knew it wasn’t about love, or perhaps just hoped that was the case. _"Sex and love are two separate things right"_ , she asked herself, thinking back to her other girlfriends and women she’d been with. She knew of course that they were separate things, however they’d only been together for nearly four months. Ashlyn had heard of things tapering off but Jesus, they were still in that picture-perfect time.

     She didn’t have long to ponder the question. Attuned to hearing the fire, her ears also picked up the opening and closing of a door and approaching footsteps.

     “Hey,” Ali said, rounding the corner into the living room, rubbing her eyes.

     “Hi,” Ashlyn replied, breath catching in her throat as she looked at Ali’s naked form. “Why are you up?”

     “That’s my question,” she said, voice scratchy and full of sleep. She gave her a drowsy grin. “What are you doing?”

     Ashlyn shrugged, heart and brain closing simultaneously. “Nothing. Couldn’t sleep.”

     “Yeah?” Ali asked, crossing over to stand in front of her. Ashlyn rustled until she could move the blankets, offering Ali the spot on her lap. “What’s got you so wired?”

     “Nothing,” she said too quickly, and Ali gave her a look as she straddled her hips.

     “Baby,” she said lowly. “Come on.”

     “Aw, come on Al. Lay off for a second,” Ashlyn sighed, more annoyance than anything. She suddenly wished that she’d stayed in bed. “I’m fine.”

     Ali cupped her face, sliding her fingers up and down the sides of her neck softly. “Honey, please.”

     “Please?” Ashlyn asked, raising an eyebrow.

     “Please talk to me.” Ali kissed her brow, then her nose. “You’ve been on this for weeks. It’s me.”

 _Lie_ , her brain said and Ashlyn nearly listened. It wasn’t worth going into, wouldn’t be solved. She was convinced Ali had expected her failure and that’s why she was attempting to take such good care of her; the guilt was probably thick in her throat. Why even get into it?

     “Ashlyn,” came her small voice, her hips scooting forward until they were flush together. “I’m right here.”

     But Ashlyn was sighing, resting her hands on Ali’s ass on the outside of the blanket. “I just … I think I’m not ready to be here, you know?”

     “What do you mean?” Ali asked, kissing her forehead. “In Aspen?”

      “Yeah,” she murmured. “It’s just … you come from this and your family has these things and you’re so put together. I don’t have … that.” She only barely had been able to stop herself from saying something more dramatic; from relaying her belief that she had nothing. “And with the stupid arrest it’s just … It feels like it’s even bigger.”

     “What’s bigger?”

     “The distance.” Ashlyn looked past her, into the darkened kitchen area. She met Ali’s gaze again before dropping her forehead to her chest. “It’s just … why?”

     “Why what?”

     “Why are you here? Why are you with me?” Ashlyn’s eyes went wide, pleading for the perfect answer. “I can’t … I can’t give you any of this. Not the way I am, not the way I’m going. I can’t give you this stuff if we … you know, if we ever …”

     Her voice trailed off, lost in the muffle against Ali’s skin. Ali held onto her shoulders, rubbing over her muscles and scratching gently along her neck to soothe her. “Aw baby,” she said softly, leaning down to kiss her head. “That’s not … I don’t need you to take care of me.”

     “Are you sure?” Ashlyn asked, voice petulant.

     "Yes, I’m sure I can take care of myself.”

     “No,” Ashlyn said, eyes focused on Ali’s chest. “Are you sure that it’s not about you being able to care of yourself but that you know I can’t do it?”

     They both went silent, Ali pulling back to look down at her. She rounded her shoulders, slumping more until she could press Ashlyn back onto the rest, sliding until they could look at each other’s face. “Is that what you think of me?” she asked quietly, resting her palms on either of Ashlyn’s shoulders. “You think I want someone who can treat me like a princess?”

     Ashlyn nodded, head on a bobble. “You have this life you’re used to. I can’t –“

     “But you think I need it only from you? That I can only get it from you?” Ali asked softly, kissing the tip of her nose. “’Cause I don’t know about you but I don’t plan on my parents’ money being my only legacy.”

     Ashlyn returned Ali’s soft smile, but she continued. “I just … baby, you’re so much better than me. You’re so –“

     “I am so lucky to have you,” Ali said, covering Ashlyn’s lips with both thumbs. “I am in love with you and I am loved by you. I have it all, love.” She replaced her thumbs with her mouth, kissing her long and softly before pulling away. “As long as you’re still in love with me, then you have nothing to worry about. Even if you weren’t anymore, I’m sure I’d still be here.”

     “Yeah?” Ashlyn asked, grinning. “Still here?”

     Ali nodded. “Mhmm. It’s the Starburst thing. Now I’m just invested in your skills.” She winked at Ashlyn. “Speaking of though … wanna show me how to do it?”

     “How to unwrap a Starburst with your tongue?” Ashlyn asked, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah you just –“

     “No, show me this.” Her hand reached down between them, grabbing Ashlyn’s hand too and pulling them down to where their hips were stacked on top of each other. She positioned Ashlyn’s fingers between her legs and removed hers, sliding her thumb and index finger in a loose O shape up her arm until she was clutching her bicep. “Show me how to do this.”

     Ashlyn felt a swoop of guilt in her stomach; Ali was clearly ready, possibly had been since she’d woken to find herself alone in the bed. Still, as Ashlyn began to move her fingers, feeling Ali’s hips slowly roll in a circle, she was dismayed to find that she was still numb. There was nothing; nothing to fire up with rage or sadness or joy. It was as though it had just all been removed, the ability to respond.

     Ali sighed above her, hips rocking against her while she reached her hands around to grasp Ashlyn’s back and shoulders. “Yeah, baby,” she whispered, raising up on her knees. “I want to feel you.”

     Ashlyn pressed her face to Ali’s stomach, clenching her eyes shut tight against everything threatening to come out and go in; fear and judgement and anxiety and anger. She started to go through the motions, responding in time with Ali’s sounds and movements above her as she rocked in her lap, but she knew deeply in the back of her mind that it was just automatic, just a robotic response.

     “Mmm, I love you,” Ali murmured into Ashlyn’s hairline, gasping as her hips began to increase in speed. “I love you so much baby and I’m so proud of you.”

     Ashlyn just nodded again, eyes still shut as she laid her head against Ali’s chest, a hand below and a hand keeping them tethered together. It was so confusing, both wanting to crush them together until there wasn’t space left for another atom and wanting to leave and be gone and never have to see the pity in her eyes again. “Come on babe,” she said instead, her mouth unable to form the mirrored response. “You wanna.”

     It was in her heart somewhere, she knew. As Ali began to writhe fully in her lap, she felt something stir in her own chest. She’d never stopped loving her and responding to her in that way so she drove everything she had into it. Ashlyn held on tightly, kissing right above her navel and speaking so quietly into her that she knew she wouldn’t be heard over Ali’s own sounds. “I’ll get better baby, I promise.”

     Ashlyn heard her name drawn out, long and keening into the room and she still held her in place, nuzzling her face into her body and starting to run her free hand up the column of her spine, fingers dancing along. “I’ve got you,” she said quietly, feeling Ali hug her close. “You wanna go back to bed?”

     But then Ali was sliding down, pressing and shifting until the two of them were curled side by side, in a position that surely would only last for half an hour at max. Still, Ashlyn accommodated her, letting Ali burrow into her chest before she covered them again with the blanket.

     “Mmm, I love you,” Ali said, voice already trailing off into sleep.

     Ashlyn waited until she felt her breaths begin to deepen before she murmured back, eyes trained up at the ceiling. “Yeah, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are all wonderful and I adore you!


	18. took the stars from our eyes & made a map

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn discover the usefulness of open communication, albeit a little too late.

     Ashlyn sat on the edge of the raised flower bed, nervously tapping her foot while waiting for Kelley to arrive. She thought it clever that she’d walked a little while before finding a place to sit, wanting distance from the signage on the windows of the building she’d just left. Still, as she shoved her student insurance card deep in her pocket, she supposed she should be grateful there’d been any options for coverage at all.

     She hadn’t had much experience with therapy growing up as most of the suggestions were met with scorn; what she knew was from television and hearing phrases like “my three hundred dollars an hour shrink says …”. She’d been very relieved to hear the word “co-pay” even if it had to be fully explained by an overly kind receptionist over the phone.

     Resisting the urge to pull her phone from her pocket again to pester Kelley on where she was, Ashlyn instead focused on pulling leaves from the bushes that were beginning to turn green again with the promise of early spring. It had been a relatively balmy winter and the first two weeks of March had already seen some blooming flowers.

     She picked off another one of the leaves, spinning it in her palm by the pointed end and marveling at the perfect green hue. She eyed some of the hardier selections of flowers already beginning to show their colors and thought perhaps she’d have Kelley stop by a shop on the way back to the dorm: Ali loved flowers.

     As the thought crossed her mind, she heard the tell-tale sound of Kelley’s old Jeep pulling up to the curb, grinding and grating as she shifted gears. Ashlyn waved a hand in greeting, collecting her messenger bag before standing to walk to the passenger seat of the ragtop car. She was met with Kelley’s wide smile, eyes crinkling as she waved from the driver’s seat, left leg folded up beside her.

     “Hey! How’d it go?” she asked, waiting until Ashlyn was situated before taking off.

     Ashlyn nodded slowly, gathering the right words. “It was good. This was what … my third visit?”

     “Think so,” Kelley agreed, turning on her blinker after she was already changing lanes. “Are you guys getting to the good stuff? I know you said the last two were mostly just introductions and going over a game plan.”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn said, pausing again. “Talked a little about family stuff today. She had lots of interesting ideas on where I got the chip on my shoulder and my intense fear of failure.” She grinned to add levity, carefully watching for Kelley’s reaction.

     “Any surprises?” Kelley asked in a sincere tone.

     Ashlyn released a deep breath, considering. “I always thought that you know, being raised in a family where no one really tried to achieve anything that I’d be totally fine with being aimless. I didn’t want to be, but I never thought … I didn’t realize that instead of being okay with it, I was actually terrified.” They sat in a comfortable few moments of silence, Kelley allowing the space for Ashlyn to process. “And I thought I’d be scary to know these things about myself. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not a walk in the park but … it felt fucking amazing to like, talk about shit without worrying what this person is gonna think about it.”

     “Man, I really need to go,” Kelley said after a pause. “See if she can get my brain working right.” She gave Ashlyn a warm smile. “That’s great dude. I’m really happy it’s working out for you.”

     “Thanks,” Ashlyn replied, grinning back. “It’s unnerving to fight that instinct to keep from being vulnerable. At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it because I feel so closed off naturally, but …” She trailed off, watching out the window as they rolled through town. “I just keep telling myself it’s worth it.”

     Kelley nodded. “So definitely glad you’re going then? Gonna go back?”

     “Definitely glad,” Ashlyn said. “I made an appointment for next Friday, yeah. Do you think you can take me again?”

     “Don’t you have your own car?” Kelley teased. When Ashlyn rolled her eyes she just nodded. “I know, I know. But do you still want to stick with the story that we’re hanging out once a week? I don’t think anyone’s the wiser.”

     “Well, you know, I still haven’t –“

     “Told Ali?”

     “No.”

     “Do you know why not?”

     The car went silent; Ashlyn was intensely grateful for Kelley’s comfort in the stillness, never feeling the need to interject to fill in the space. Ashlyn worked out the answer in her head, mulling over the same points she’d considered for nearly four weeks. Finally, she shrugged.

     “I think I’m running out of good reasons,” she admitted.

     “So you just have bad reasons?” Kelley prompted.

     Ashlyn nodded again, feeling like a bobble head. “I don’t want her to think …”

     “You don’t want her to think? That girl overthinks everything,” Kelley cracked, but Ashlyn sighed.

     “Exactly,” she said. “I just … I was so fucking –“

     “ _Human_.”

     “—awful after all of that shit dude. I was just so whiny and so moody. I was just … And I was stuck in my own funk. And I don’t even know if I’m out of it yet to be honest.”

     “Yeah but come on,” Kelley said, looking between her and the road. “You had some serious stuff happen to you. You don’t have to be like a machine and not react to it. She knows that, Ash.”

     Ashlyn breathed evenly, trying to make herself see reason. “What if she doesn’t? What if she _does_ want me to be perfect?”

     “You are, though,” Kelley said. “You’re perfectly you.”

     A thick knot in her chest loosened, Kelley’s kind words breaking up the fear and anxiety bubbling up to the surface. She gave her a wide, dimpled grin, reaching over to pinch her cheek. “Aw babe, you’re so good to me.”

     “Shut up, you asshole,” Kelley smirked, shaking her head away. “You know what I mean. You had some shit go down and then you reacted to it.” She stopped at a red light, turning to Ashlyn. “Believe me, I’m honored you felt comfortable talking about this with me and confiding in me. I’m so happy to be able to help you.”

     “But?” Ashlyn asked with a wry smile.

     “ _But_ – Ali loves you. She really does, dude. She’d want to know about this and be here for you. She’d want to be the one to take you and pick you up, I’m almost sure of it.”

     Ashlyn smiled down at her lap, realizing she’d known all along that all her excuses paled in comparison to that one simple truth: Ali was a constant, a sure thing. As she recounted the last four weeks, the way she’d done her damnedest to hide every bit of her pain and therapy, she finally knew she wanted to let it go, to give in.

     When she looked up, she met Kelley’s wide grin. “See. Knew you knew it.”

* * *

     “Ugh,” Christen groaned, coming to a stop and leaning over to rest on the tops of her thighs next to Ali. “Did I miss coach getting pissed off at us?”

     Ali nodded, out of breath. It took her a minute but she responded, “Seriously. This is worse than that time we went down 4-0 to Kansas.” She stood straight again, raising her arms above her head. “She said we’re doing another lap with bleachers, right?”

     “Two more,” Christen replied in a puff, reaching her arms back to open her chest up and allow more air in.

     “Fuck,” Ali swore, wiping sweat from her forehead. “I doubt we’ll even be done by four.”

     “Big plans tonight?” Christen asked, looking back to check the progress of her teammates.

     “I’ve got that thing with the German club and then I was going to see if everyone wanted to go for drinks at Billy’s.” Off Christen’s look, Ali nodded. “Yeah, she’s working tonight. I just feel like I haven’t seen her much lately, so I wanted to get her in one spot.”

     “Haven’t seen her much?” Christen asked with a teasing grin. “It’s hard to tell which one of you is more up the other’s ass.”

     "Shut up,” Ali said, shoving at her playfully. She thought for a moment, brow narrowing. “It’s been …”

     Christen looked up at her as she sat down to stretch out her legs on the grass. “More of the same?”

     Ali shrugged softly, eyes still off in the distance as she considered. “Yes and no, I think. You know how I told you about Aspen?”

     “How she was disconnected?” Christen nodded, folding over one of her outstretched limbs.

     “Yeah. It’s been … different, I think.” With a sigh, Ali plopped down next to her, bringing both feet in for a stretch.

     “Has she said anything about it yet?”

     Ali waited for a minute, holding the tips of her cleats together in her hands as she lightly pressed down on her knees. In truth, they hadn’t talked about the weirdness of their trip to the vacation house at all. The weekend had stayed mostly in the same vein of that first night; they’d made love a few times, both in Ali’s bedroom and in the living room again but it’d been hard to shake the feeling that Ali was essentially just using her as a prop.

     Even when they laughed and played around, it hadn’t felt like Ashlyn was really there with her, and when Ali made a joke to that effect it certainly hadn’t gone over well. It’d taken a majority of Saturday afternoon to soothe the abrasions from their spat and Ashlyn’s apology had felt more like the exasperated pleadings of someone who couldn’t be bothered to argue a second more.

     With her nose scrunched up, Ali shook her head. “No, but to be fair I haven’t had the guts to ask about it. I’m afraid of what she’ll say.”

     Christen quietly nodded, switching legs. When she looked up, she spoke carefully. “Do you think she knows something’s … coming?”

     Ali looked at her quickly, then back down to her feet. “No. How could she?”

     Christen just raised her shoulders, placating her. “I’m just thinking that maybe if she … you know, if she’d figured it out then maybe she’d …”

     “Pull away?”

     “I didn’t say that.”

     The early spring breeze blew across the training field, rustling the bits of grass that had turned a crisp, deadened brown under the blanket of winter. Ali shivered despite her hooded training jacket and running tights, unsure if it was more temperature or building anxiety. She ran her hands over her thighs, buying time but felt Christen’s eyes trained on her.

     “What?” she asked, talking to the ground. “I was going to tell her in Aspen but … She was just so far away.”

     “Right,” Christen said, “It’s not like it was going to be particularly easy to talk about.”

     “Exactly!”

     “But you know, you are running out of time.”

     Ali worried her lip between her teeth, urging her pulse to slow and knowing it wasn’t the exertion from her run causing it. She pulled at a few blades of grass before stretching both legs out in front of her in a huff. “I know.”

     Christen smiled softly. “I’m not trying to give you a hard time.”

     “Yeah, I know,” Ali said, looking up. “I’m going to. I mean, not tonight obviously but maybe tomorrow over …”

     “Hot ‘please-don’t-be-mad’ sex?” Christen teased.

     “Shut up,” Ali said with a grin. She pulled a few more blades of grass and then threw them at her teammate with a giggle. “Maybe.”

     Christen leaned back on her hands, splaying her legs out. “So where has she been recently? You said you guys haven’t been hanging out much?”

     Ali nodded with a huff. “I don’t really know to tell you the truth. She’s been kind of cagey at times and she goes off with Kelley a lot.”

     “Well they’re friends, yeah? And they have the band stuff.”

     “That’s what I said to myself too, but then the first time was about band practice but then I think she might’ve confused herself with a lie.”

     Christen raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

     Ali shrugged. “She had said it was about the band but then when she came back she mentioned them going to pick up some art things for a new piece she wants to do. So I asked her about band practice and her face just looked kind of panicked before she clarified that they’d had a short session.” She scrunched her nose over at Christen with a smile. “Sounds crazy right?”

     “Unless she’s sleeping with Kelley,” Christen joked, looking over her shoulder as the rest of their teammates approached. She started standing, groaning as she went. “Ugh. Coach Kepner just got up. I swear to God she’s not gonna rest until we’re dead.”

     “Yeah,” Ali said a bit too late as her mind began to run in circles. “Right.”

 _That’s fucking nuts_ , she thought, rising to stand while dusting her hands off. _Ashlyn and Kelley, that’s fucking crazy right?_ However, when the whistle blew for the team to assemble at the starting cone, she realized that maybe she was less confident than she thought she was.

* * *

     Ashlyn hopped up the porch steps to Pi Beta Phi, comically whipping the bouquet of store bought flowers behind her back as she approached the doorway. Ever since her conversation with Kelley, she had been itching to see Ali – perhaps to talk, perhaps just to be with her. After weeks of indecision and mulling, it finally felt as though she was on her way back.

     She knocked in the “shave and a haircut” tune, adding the last two with perfect timing, then leaning back to rock on her heels while barely concealing a pleased grin. When the doorknob turned, she found herself face to face with the ever-surly Kenzie and couldn’t help but laugh out loud, thinking back to that morning all those months ago.

     Off Kenzie’s offended look, Ashlyn just smiled even wider. “Hey, I’m here to see Ali.” Not waiting for a response, Ashlyn walked by her, amusement growing when she heard an annoyed sigh behind her.

     Ashlyn wandered into the living room, smiling at the girls milling about the house. She saw Sam over by the window seat and waved, thoroughly enjoying the blush rising on her cheeks. “How are you Sam?” she asked, biting on her lip to keep from chuckling when the brunette directed her attention down at her open textbook.

     She debated going up the stairs but was stopped when she heard Ali’s voice float down, “Okay, I’ll be over there in about thirty minutes. Sorry! I didn’t expect practice to go over. Yeah, not a problem. Alright, I’ll see you then.” Ashlyn hid herself from immediate view, watching Ali slide her phone into her pocket before turning her head around to look for her girlfriend.

     As she started to leave the foyer, Ashlyn stepped out, dramatically clearing her throat and falling to one knee. She brandished the bouquet from behind her back, shaking her blonde hair behind her as she spoke loudly, “For my dearest love.”

     “What are you doing?” Ali asked, curious grin on her face as she observed Ashlyn’s antics. “Get up, you dummy.”

     The voices from the other rooms started to quiet, and Ashlyn became aware of a few pairs of eyes watching them. Her smirk widened, and she reached out to take Ali’s hand into her own. “I present you with this token of my affection, most beautiful angel. May you accept this with my best intentions.”

     “Ash,” Ali started, her cheeks turning pink but pleased smile staying on her face. “Come on.”

     “’Come on’?” Ashlyn asked loudly, passing Ali the flowers and raising her free hand to her forehead. “What doth this mean? Has my love rejected thy affections?”

     “I don’t think that’s the right syntax,” Ali mumbled, raising the flowers to her nose.

     “Please tell me you’ll have me,” Ashlyn pleaded, scooting even closer. Behind her, she heard giggling and felt spurred on. “You’ll take me as your own?”

     “What do you think I’ve been doing for five months?” Ali cracked, eyes crinkling. “Ashlyn don’t – oh my God.”

     Ashlyn had fallen to the ground in front of her, splaying out on her belly as she scrabbled at Ali’s feet and legs. “Sweet angels in heaven hath shined upon me on this day!” she shouted. As she mimicked kissing her toes, Ali pulled back but she persisted. “I want for nothing, I need nothing for I have the love of … my … love!”

     Behind her, she heard a mixture of chuckles and groans and looked up at Ali with a grin. “I’m tapped.”

     “Wow, two minutes of poetry? That’s all you’ve got?” Ali reached down to tug on the collar of her t-shirt. “Get up you loser.”

     “It was cute though, right?” Ashlyn said, getting to her feet and leaning forward to peck Ali’s mouth. “Totally romantic.”

     “It was something,” Ali replied, looking over her girlfriend’s shoulder to shake her head in exasperation at her sorority sisters. “Drama queen, right?”

     “No, _you’re_ the queen,” Ashlyn said, reaching forward to hold her by her shoulders and kiss her cheek. “You’re my queen.”

     “Okay Romeo, let’s get you away from your audience,” Ali said with a wry shake of her head, pulling Ashlyn by her shirt towards the stairs. As they climbed up, she kept swatting away Ashlyn’s wandering hands that had found the bottom hem of her shirt and were working it up over the top of her jeans. “Ashlyn!”

     “Mmm, yes baby?” she asked, first looking behind them to ensure no one was in eyesight. She held Ali’s hips and bent down as they ascended to kiss the soft skin of her lower back.

     “Oh that’s what you’re after,” Ali said, reaching back to push away Ashlyn’s face. “Just want me for my body?”

     They made their way down the short hall to Ali and Julia’s bedroom, Ashlyn pleased to find it empty. As Ali went to her open and waiting backpack at her desk, the blonde crossed to flop backwards onto her bed, pulling a pillow underneath her head. “You should skip it,” she announced, toeing her shoes off.

     Ali half-turned to give her a look before reaching to grab a notebook to slide into the open section. “My meeting?”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn said, scooting up and gathering the blankets in her fists. She started to wriggle around, shifting and climbing until she’d nestled herself under the blankets. Once settled, she lifted the edge of the blanket and patted the mattress next to her with a smile. “Hang out with me tonight instead.”

     Ashlyn knew it was a foolish attempt; Ali was never easily deterred from her responsibilities. Still, she felt her heart tighten pleasantly when Ali began to smile, walking away from her backpack and towards the head of the bed. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected, knowing she had to be at work in two hours but still …

     The idea of an evening in with Ali sounded more and more like exactly what she was meant to be doing. At once she pictured them curled in bed with a laptop, takeout containers on the bedside table, talking until the wee hours about Ashlyn’s therapy and Ali’s dreams and the future that Ashlyn had just started opening her eyes to try to accept.

     “You have work,” Ali said, reaching forward to run her hand through Ashlyn’s hair. “And I really can’t skip. It’s an important meeting. It’s actually about …”

      “I can skip work! And you _can_ skip, it’s just one day, right? I think there’s enough time for Billy to get Regan in and we can get Chinese!” Ashlyn said, sitting up fully. She took Ali’s hands in her own, eyes pleading. “We can lay in bed and watch season 3 of Sex in the City and then we can make out until we can’t breathe anymore. Doesn’t that sound like much more fun than sitting around, speaking German and … I don’t know what you guys do – eat strudel?”

     Ali chuckled softly as she sank onto the bed next to her, atop the blanket. “Strudel?”

     Ashlyn shrugged unashamedly. “Wienerschnitzel?”

     “I think that’s Austrian babe,” Ali said, rubbing her thumbs over the back of Ashlyn’s palms. “You’re in rare form … Did you have a good day with Kelley or something?”

     In her excitement, Ashlyn missed the soft bite of jealousy in her tone. “I actually did,” she replied with a grin. “She’s been great. It’s actually something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”

     “Yeah?” Ali asked, looking down at their connected fingers as she began to run over each of Ashlyn’s knuckles in turn. “Well, I guess that makes two of us.”

     Ashlyn’s stomach dropped and she tilted her head to the side a little. “That sounds ominous.” Ali’s small smile didn’t achieve much in placating her, so she squeezed her hand lightly. “What’s going on?”

     When Ali didn’t immediately answer, Ashlyn choked back a thick knot of fear rising in her throat. She’d felt great since she’d smiled over at Kelley in her Jeep, knowing she was going to finally come clean and feel like things were going to change for the better. While she didn’t have the same feeling of a trap door falling out from beneath her, she could visualize someone’s hand on the lever.

     “Al?” she asked softly, reaching up to brush her hair away. “For the record, you’re scaring me.”

     Ali chuckled, leaning forward to kiss Ashlyn’s mouth, lingering for a moment and pressing their foreheads together. “As much as I want to talk about it now …” Ashlyn groaned and Ali kissed her again. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”

     “Awful timing,” Ashlyn muttered, flipping backwards onto the bed. “Nobody likes a cliffhanger baby.”

     Ali just giggled, leaning down on her hands to hover over Ashlyn as she rubbed her hands over her face. “I was thinking I’d ask everyone if they wanted to head to Billy’s afterwards so I could hang out with you until you’re off your shift. I can flick peanuts at you and order ridiculously complicated drinks until you realize you’re not in love with me anymore.”

     “Not possible,” Ashlyn said, muffled by her hands. She moved them slightly, peeking up at Ali through her fingers. “Can you at least tell me if it’s awful?”

     There was another silence and Ashlyn’s dread only increased. “It’s not awful,” Ali replied, and Ashlyn didn’t miss the careful, considered pacing. When she winced, the brunette shook her head, kissing her nose. “After work, I promise we’ll talk all about it. Yours and mine, hmm?”

     “Right,” Ashlyn said, nodding while Ali stood up and walked back over to zip up her backpack. “Yours and mine.”

* * *

     The doors banged open for what felt like the forty-fifth time in an hour; Ashlyn looked up expectantly, hoping to see Ali walking through and was disappointed when she saw the set of girls wearing different UC Boulder spirit shirts, all chatting amongst themselves as they entered the noisy bar. It was just barely seven thirty but the place was filling quickly with the promise of a Friday night and televised game.

     “You okay?” Billy asked from behind her, tapping her on the shoulder to remove her from her reverie.

     “Yeah, sorry,” Ashlyn replied, leaping into action again. She blindly picked up a rag to start wiping down the bar, barely keeping her eyes from jumping to the doors again when the next set of patrons came through.

     “Expecting someone?” he prompted in his slow, sure voice, writing on a clipboard after counting the remaining liquor bottles on the bar.

     “Er, no …” Ashlyn trailed off, reaching to collect empty glasses in front of two guys watching the television above her head. “Can I get you anything else?”

     As they nodded, vaguely indicating their glasses for another, Billy chuckled behind her. “Wanna try again? Maybe I’ll believe it this time.”

     Ashlyn set two pint glasses to pull draughts, smiling as she pressed the levers down. “She just mentioned she’d stop by later but didn’t tell me what time. Just waiting, I guess.” She fell into the easy routine, wiping the foam, laying down fresh coasters, placing the glasses – the methodical movements soothing her. “Same tab?”

     “Sometimes you remind me of myself, Harris.” Billy placed his clipboard on the edge of the back bar, squatting down to pull two bottles from the storage below. “Thought the sun rose and set with my Livvy.”

     Ashlyn subconsciously looked back towards where the framed picture of a thirty years younger Billy stood wrapped around a blonde with long curls and bright green eyes – both smiling and laughing at a long forgotten joke. She smiled herself, feeling a warm blanket of pride. “They make it easy, don’t they?”

     “That they do,” he said in his slow gravel, unwrapping the plastic from the top of the fresh bottle of gin. “She’s a good girl, your Alexandra.”

     “She is,” Ashlyn agreed with a grin, nodding softly. She thought of just before work, the worry that had begun to creep into her chest; didn’t she already know? The whole conversation with Kelley had been about trust – trusting herself, trusting Ali, trusting their relationship. Ashlyn knew as sure as anything that she did, that she wanted to and as the thought entered her head, the others began to dissipate.

     Whatever it was, they could handle it – together. She’d listened to her therapist talk that morning about what she felt was Ashlyn’s stubborn streak: her willingness to help others at any given moment but so very resistant to taking it from anyone else, fearing weakness or being perceived as incapable. She’d talked about this pertaining specifically to her family and friends, but Ashlyn had one thought in her head: Ali.

     It’d been the crux of their turmoil over the preceding weeks, Ashlyn’s inability to admit that she needed help. As much as she pretended it was by Ashlyn’s confidence, Kelley was brought in when she’d finally had enough after a particularly sullen band practice and hadn’t let Ashlyn leave until they’d talked their way through three beers and most of Ashlyn’s baggage. As irritating as her persistence had been initially, Ashlyn couldn’t deny how much lighter she’d felt as they went their separate ways, as though a piece of the weight was now distributed to another person to help carry.

     Ashlyn’s confidence in her decision was renewed, even in the face of whatever Ali had to tell her. She became aware of the fact that she was nodding to herself, accepting the full weight of her choice again in the light of a new obstacle. Ali was worth trusting, worth being open. No matter what, Ashlyn felt the strong, steady conviction of their relationship and allowed the last bit of fear to drift away.

     “Speaking of,” Billy said, bringing Ashlyn to attention.

     She whipped around, immediately finding those familiar brown eyes through the crowd of fifteen or so standing at the door, looking for a free table. They made eye contact and both grinned widely, Ashlyn feeling her heart begin to race in her ribcage. Ali spoke to the two girls at her left, first pointing towards the bar and then heading in that direction.

     “Hi baby,” Ashlyn said breathlessly, leaning onto the bar as the brunette did the same on the opposite side. “How did your meeting go?”

     “It was good,” Ali said with a smile, her eyes looking back over to the German club members as they started to slide five remaining tables together into a cluster.

     “Get a lot of German stuff done?” Ashlyn cracked, automatically reaching for a bottle of Ali’s favorite beer.

     “Actually,” Ali started, taking the neck of the bottle in her hand, “we did. I’m excited about it. I’m …” she trailed off, smiling wistfully at Ashlyn. “Baby, I’m really excited. I think you will be too.”

     “Yeah?” Ashlyn asked, grabbing a stack of napkins to lay out as she saw three members from the group walking towards them. “You know how I love all things German. I’m ready and waiting on tenterhooks to hear all about it, just as soon as I get off work.”

     Ali grinned at her, reaching to place a hand over hers. “I love you.”

     “And I love you,” Ashlyn said lowly, aching to reach over and kiss her. “But! Right now, it looks like I have some thirsty customers. What will it be folks?”

     “Hmm, a vodka tonic?” asked one of the girls who’d Ashlyn had seen before as she picked Ali up from their events.

     “Dos Equis?” asked her boyfriend, his arm sliding into his back pocket for his wallet.

     “Lime and salt, yes? And you?” Ashlyn asked Knox who was perusing their list of craft beers. She reached down for one of the green bottles, uncapping and reaching for the small crate of lime slices.

     “Ali, have you had this German beer?” he asked, nudging Ali lightly with his elbow. “This one is imported directly?”

     Ashlyn craned to check the listing, nodding as she grabbed the nozzle to fill the small glass with tonic water. “Yep, I think that’s from Berlin – the Eschenbräu? Yeah. Berlin.”

     “I’ll have one of those,” he said, smiling up at Ashlyn.

     “Coming right up,” she said, doling out the mixed drink and taking the other man’s credit card before walking to the register. “Open or closed?”

     “I’ll need to catch up on my German beer drinking,” she heard Knox say to Ali as she tapped away on the screen, voice carrying in the brief pause between quarters on ESPN. “I’ll need to get ready for our trip.”

     “Trip?” Ashlyn asked, walking back to the bar. “Where are you going?” As she tucked the card away in the small file box, another one of the words finally reached her ears. “Wait, _our_ trip?”

     Broken away from her concentration, she looked up to see Ali’s wide eyed expression. Knox was still reading his way down the list, not looking up as he responded. “Yeah, to Germany.”

     “To Germany?” Ashlyn repeated, looking back at Ali who still had been unable to say anything. “When are you going to Germany? When are _you_ going to Germany?”

     “I think it’s what? Month and a half? I don’t know, the end of May.”

     Ashlyn searched Ali’s face, no longer moving around behind the bar. Something strange stirred in her chest, radiating out to her limbs. Ali’s persistent shock didn’t give her much room for comfort, and she chewed on her lip for a second before speaking again. “Ali, you’re going to Germany?”

     Knox looked up, finally hearing the tone of her voice. He looked between the two of them, the menu drooping down to the bar. Wordlessly, he began to back away, mumbling something unintelligible as he went. The two of them were left alone, Ali finally blinking as she furrowed her brow.

     “Ash –“

     “No. Ali …” she trailed off, taking a breath and a moment to pray it wasn’t true. “Are you going to Germany in May?”

     “Yes,” Ali replied, worrying her lip.

     “How … For school? For the club? Or for like a vacation?”

     “School,” she said quietly.

     Ashlyn fought hard against the boulder falling into the pit of her stomach. “So like … for what? Few days? Few weeks?”

     In the din of the bar, echoing ironically with laughter and joyful conversation, she heard Ali’s sad sigh. “Baby, I’ll be gone until December.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still a bigger fan of y'all than y'all are of me. <3 Thank you for your patience!


	19. if i cant reach you, you know i'm still gonna try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn deal with the aftermath of Ali's revelation.

     Ali tilted the edge of her beer bottle onto the table, sliding it around and around as she stared towards the bar, praying that sheer human will would cause Ashlyn to finally look at her. She’d been unable to focus on the conversations around her, melting away from them one by one until she was vaguely aware that she was receiving strange looks, but didn’t feel concerned at all. Instead, she was grateful that she didn’t have to pretend and instead could concentrate on figuring out precisely what she would say to her girlfriend if given the chance.

     Everything happened in a blur; one second, Ali was telling Ashlyn she loved her and felt excited to soon be able to explain to her about the upcoming study abroad opportunity, and the next … It hadn’t taken very long for the words to leave Ali’s mouth before Ashlyn shut her off completely.

     “Baby, I’ll be gone until December,” she had said, willing the affectionate nickname to somehow soften the blow.

     Ashlyn had blinked hard, shaking her head in the tiniest movements as if resisting the comprehension. “December.”

     “Yes,” Ali replied, biting her tongue inside of her mouth.

     “When did you decide to do this?” Ashlyn’s words were already coming out with an edge, only likely to sharpen.

     Ali fought a wince. “Well, we just sent our forms in tonight so –“

     "No,” Ashlyn cut her off. “When did you choose to go?”

     Ali knew what she meant and felt awful thinking of the words she was going to say. “I got a mailer for it over Christmas break,” she said quietly.

     “And you decided,” Ashlyn paused, licking her lips and pursing them twice before continuing. “You decided to wait to tell me about it three months later? Never seemed important before then?”

     “Baby, I didn’t even –“

     “Hey, Harris, can you come cover the end of the bar over here? I’m getting swamped.” Ali looked up to see Billy waving a gnarled hand, watching Ashlyn nod in response. Her stomach tightened uncomfortably, wanting to beg her to stay.

     “I’ve gotta go,” Ashlyn muttered, and turned to leave before Ali grabbed her hand. “I have to _go_ , Ali.”

     “I know,” Ali said desperately, squeezing her fingers. “But … Later? Okay?”

     “Sure,” Ashlyn said, shrugging. “I’ve gotta go.” Then, she was pulling away and walking to the other end of the bar, plastering on her brightest fake smile as she began to rattle off drink specials.

     In her distraction, the bottle slipped from her fingertips, clattering noisily to the table and causing her to jump in response. Next to her, Emma placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a questioning look as if to ask if she were okay, eyebrow raising. Ali just nodded, forcing a tight-lipped smile before righting the fallen bottle, immediately looking back up and feeling disappointment.

     Ashlyn bounced around behind the bar and Ali couldn’t help but feel as though all her bright exuberance was compensating for something. It couldn’t possibly be _that_ entertaining to serve beer and peanuts, right? Ali kept her eyes trained as she flitted from one end of the bar to the other, hoping every second that she’d give in, look up – anything.

 _I’m sorry_ , she wanted to scream. She wanted to stand up, wanted to climb on top of the tables and shout until Ashlyn was forced to look over. _I love you_ , she wanted to add – yelling over the crowd and the televisions and the chatter until those were the only words filling Ashlyn’s head. _Forgive me, forgive me_ – but Ali wasn’t quite sure she deserved it yet.

     She’d had so many reasons from the start; why tell her before it was certain, when she was just considering? Why bring it up when Ashlyn had her internship interview coming up? Why tell her after the arrest? On and on, the excuses had piled up until Ali knew she’d missed her window but somehow still couldn’t find the proper words. It wasn’t until she knew without a doubt that she would be going that she realized that all along she’d known what to say.

     Surely, once Ali had the chance to explain about the opportunities waiting for her, Ashlyn would come to her senses. They would talk about Ali’s withholding of information – _lie_ , she thought to herself – Ali would apologize and Ashlyn would accept. Then, they would live out the next six weeks getting reconnected and planning their ways of staying so over the following six months. Time would fly by with phone cards and Skype and then Ali would be back in her arms for Christmas eve.

     With that plan in mind, Ali stood and started walking around the tables towards the bar. It had to work out that way, everything had to. They were solid in their foundation and even though the last few weeks had been rocky, Ali knew in her heart that they could overcome any distance or minor annoyance. She loved Ashlyn and it was returned in earnest; they’d be just fine. With this confidence, she approached the quiet end of the bar, waiting patiently for Ashlyn to meet her.

     Ali made a show of checking her watch a few times, giving Ashlyn a smile when she looked up finally, holding up a finger to request a moment as she finished closing a tab for a pair of blondes. At last, there were no other patrons requesting her attention, and Ashlyn had no choice but to walk down to Ali, wiping her hands on a rag hanging from her belt loop.

     "Another?” Ashlyn asked quietly, already beginning to bend down for a bottle.

     Ali shook her head, leaning more onto the bar. “No, I’m good.”

     “So what do you need?” Ashlyn stopped in front of her, looking down at the containers of limes, cherries and orange slices, fidgeting uselessly.

     Deterred slightly from her icy indifference, Ali cleared her throat before speaking a bit quieter than before. “I uh … I couldn’t help but notice the time.” Ashlyn only nodded in response, so Ali continued. “You’re off in five minutes, right?”

     Ashlyn looked behind her towards a clock, pausing before turning back around and still avoiding eye contact. “Yep, looks that way. Why?”

     Ali waited a minute, sure that at any moment Ashlyn would look up at her with a teasing grin. It never came. “I just … I rode over here with Emma, Jonathan and Knox,” she paused at Ashlyn’s immediate scowl. “Um … do you wanna drive me home?”

     It must’ve only been a minute at the most, but it stretched on with each second that Ashlyn determinately avoided eye contact, straightening and reorganizing cups and shot glasses until Ali’s huff finally made her look up. “You know …”

     Despite their interaction and the worry gnawing at the edges of Ali’s heart, she still sucked in a breath hopefully, preparing a smile for Ashlyn’s yield. A few more seconds dragged by and she was just about to reach out to take her hand again when Ashlyn shook her head. Before the words came out of her mouth, Ali felt her face fall.

     “I don’t think so, Ali. Have a good night, okay?”

     Then she was gone, moving back to the other end of the bar, every footstep illuminating the distance that was rapidly growing between them.

* * *

     Ashlyn could count on one hand the amount of times she’d woken before the shrill ringing of her alarm clock, and as she reached over to slap the top button while staring at the ceiling, she felt the urge to scream. It’d been a restless night, even considering the fact that she’d turned her phone all the way off around two in the morning to avoid the near continuous vibrations from Ali’s texts and phone calls.

     She glanced over to her bedside table, phone laying loaded and silent until she pulled the trigger. She knew what was likely awaiting her and tried to figure out how she felt about it – if she’d been inundated the whole night through, she’d be annoyed at Ali’s persistence and inability to allow Ashlyn her space to process. However, she knew inherently that if there was nothing to read, no new pleas to hear over the scratchy recording from her voicemail …

     That’s what it came down to, she believed, wondering if Ali was done or not. As the night wore on, her anger had faded into fear; strong, sick fear pooling in her stomach and swimming through her veins with each beat of her heart. What if Ali wanted out? What if she was hedging her bets? No matter how Ashlyn tried to explain her actions, she couldn’t help but feel the full weight of her three-month omission.

 _Do you blame her?_ The voice in her head was back, the one she’d fought for three weeks to ignore. As each sinister word echoed between her ears, she felt the hours spent sitting across from Dr. Weeks unspooling into a pile of ribbons on the floor. _What have you honestly offered her recently, hmm?_ Ashlyn tried to shake her head clear, tried to cover her face with her hands. It wasn’t worth it, wasn’t right. She didn’t want to … and yet.

     She thought of the days that had passed with very little interaction, very little from Ashlyn in terms of livening up Ali’s day. She thought of the times she’d sat on her own words, keeping them from Ali until she knew she could trust her, withholding pieces of herself while still greedily drinking every drop of love and affection Ali had to give. Suddenly the last few weeks were playing over in her mind, revealing Ashlyn as a monster.

     Ashlyn groaned inwardly, aware of her still sleeping roommates across from her. She’d managed to make it in and pretend to go to bed without tipping them off, wanting more than anything to avoid some inane conversation about “what happened between you and Ali?”. She rolled over as quietly as she could, reaching for her phone before bringing the covers over her head. Taking a deep breath, Ashlyn held down the top button and watched the logo appear, signaling the loading of her device.

     As the home screen loaded, Ashlyn dropped her phone to her side, unwilling to look at the smiling funny faces staring back at her from a trip to the movies two months ago. She breathed into her comforter, body stilling to pick up any loading notifications. At first, there was nothing and Ashlyn began to feel an echoing emptiness, not even drawing breath as she had one thought: _so, she doesn’t care_.

     But then it began, and it didn’t stop for at least three minutes – short vibrations over and over, a litany of texts and voicemail notifications. Ashlyn watched as they rolled on the screen, Ali’s name appearing so many times that soon it became almost strange to see. She read snippets of each as they went by, beginning with sweet messages that were asking for time, for a minute to explain and ending with …

     “’Fucking brat’?” Ashlyn muttered to herself, scrolling through the last three messages, each growing in annoyance and bite. “Oh yeah?”

     She tapped three times to clear the notifications, scowling at the tiny screen, at Ali herself. She was beyond frustrated, wishing she hadn’t even turned her phone on, wishing she didn’t know how Ali had spent two hours pining and then the remaining time telling Ashlyn off for being petulant. Where did she get the nerve?

     Unable to stay still any longer, Ashlyn flipped back the blankets and sat up, immediately swinging her legs over to the side of the bed. She couldn’t decide, instead listening to the gears in her head spin around and around, an endless rotation between Ali’s “baby I’m sorry” and “can you stop being such a fucking brat?”.

     Silently she slipped down to the floor, feet fumbling around until she found her slip on Vans, working them onto her feet as she began to thumb through her phone. Settling on a name, she crept across the room, making sure to grab her keys to avoid being locked out. It was still early; the halls were still quiet as she traipsed her way through, pressing the green phone icon when the door clicked shut behind her.

     “Hello?” Kelley said groggily, exhaling loudly into the receiver.

     “What the fuck!” Ashlyn hissed, cupping her mouth with her hand to muffle the sound. “It all went to fucking hell!”

     “Ashlyn?” Kelley asked. “What the – what time is it?”

     “Early,” Ashlyn said shortly. “I need you to listen.”

     “Jesus, give a girl some warning,” Kelley groaned, breathing loudly. “Okay, uh, hang on.”

     There was muffling on the line, Ashlyn imagining the drummer stumbling out of bed and looking for her own shoes. She just lived in a double, but Ashlyn had met her roommate and didn’t imagine she was the type for a 7 AM wake-up call on a Saturday. Sure enough, there was a distinct sound of a door closing, and then another deep exhale.

     “Okay, I’m all yours dude. What are you yelling about?”

     Ashlyn ran a frustrated hand through her hair. “So I told you she was gonna come to the bar last night, right? And then I was gonna tell her all about therapy and shit afterwards?”

     “Guessing it didn’t happen quite the way it was supposed to then?” Kelley mumbled in a sleepy drawl.

     “Not even close,” Ashlyn said darkly. “Get this … She’s going to Germany.”

     “When?”

     “May.”

     “What? For how long?”

     “Six fucking months! Told me she wouldn’t be back until December!”

     “Holy shit,” Kelley breathed. “Why? For what?”

     “School,” Ashlyn replied, hushed shouting into the phone. “I don’t know all the details whatever, doesn’t fucking matter. But she didn’t tell me! I had to find out from some asshole ordering snooty imported beer.”

     “When did she do all of this?”

     “Christmas break!” Ashlyn yelled, barely remembering to try to keep her voice down. She turned a corner, aimlessly wandering around the fifteenth floor, speeding up her pace as she grew more and more indignant. “She did this shit back in December at her fucking parents’ house! Didn’t say anything!”

     “Why not? Seems kind of important, don’t you think?” Kelley mumbled.

     “You’d think so,” Ashlyn muttered, finding a dead end and an emergency exit. She kicked her toe over and over against the door, wishing she could use full force. “But apparently not.”

     “Did she say why? Like, did she give you details?”

     “No,” Ashlyn spit out. “Didn’t have time at work last night and –” She trailed off, wondering how it would sound. “I didn’t want to take her home last night so … I mean she left a shit ton of messages anyway.”

     “Dude, that’s …” Kelley started. “That’s rough. I’m sorry. That didn’t go as planned at all.”

     “Yeah, no shit,” Ashlyn pressed her back into the opposite wall, sliding down until she was sitting, splaying her legs out in front of her. “What the hell is she thinking?”

     Kelley sighed. “That she’ll eventually need a career and experience to go with it, I think.”

     Ashlyn stopped short, feeling her breathing cut off. She furrowed her brow, feeling a sharp bolt of anger redirect towards her friend. “Wait, so you’re on her side?”

     “No,” Kelley said, “what she did was super shitty, but you can’t deny her that opportunity.”

     Ashlyn went silent, fuming into the static on the open line. She counted the seconds, waiting for Kelley to catch on, to tell her she was absolutely right and Ali was being horrible. “You don’t even … I mean, what opportunity can she get in fucking Germany that she can’t get here?”

     Kelley mumbled something quietly before clearing her throat. “I mean, maybe that’s something you should ask her.”

     Scowling, Ashlyn kicked the door again. “I don’t know why she didn’t just break up with me.”

     “Probably because that’s not what she wanted Ash,” Kelley replied.

     “Isn’t it?” There was a stinging in the corner of her eyes, paired with the thick, heavy build-up of anger, frustration and despair. She kicked again, harder this time, and saw a scuff mark on the door. The metal door rattled in its hinges again and again, echoing down the short hall.

     “Maybe,” Kelley started slowly, “if you’d talk to her … you’d find out.”

     Ashlyn went quiet, fighting Kelley’s words. If she allowed herself even an inch of consideration, she knew her anger wouldn’t stand a chance – already she could feel herself thinking of Ali’s point of view. What if this _was_ the best decision for her?

     As soon as she did, she growled in frustration. “Or maybe if she’d been honest with me, I’d already know.” She heard Kelley begin to say something but realized she couldn’t hear another word of it. “Yeah, look, I’m sorry for waking you up. I’m gonna go. Bye Kel.”

     Any protest was cut off as Ashlyn mashed the ‘end’ button, letting the phone clatter to the ground beside her. She brought her knees to her chest, burying her face in her arms to hide from everything threatening to break apart her conviction. Between her own thoughts and Kelley’s words, she fully expected to give in before noon.

* * *

     “I’ve got a triple shot chai latte for Ali!” the barista announced from the bar, and Ali darted forward to accept the practically bowl sized mug from her with a gracious smile.

     As she walked towards Christen and Julia tucked away at a table in the back, they looked at her with wide eyes. “Triple shot?” Christen asked. “Long night?”

     “ _Yes_ ,” Julia answered for her, rolling her eyes. “I was praying to God that her phone would explode and she couldn’t use it anymore.”

     “Sor-ry,” Ali said shortly, plopping down into the chair. “I’ll try not to let the implosion of my relationship keep you up anymore.”

     Julia rolled her eyes with a sardonic smile. “Be sure that you don’t,” she took a sip from her green tea while looking at Christen briefly before turning back to Ali. “So, any progress?”

     “She’s being ridiculous,” Ali complained, watching the brown sugar cube sink through the ornately designed foam, bringing it back out to nibble on the end. “Absolutely ridiculous.”

     “Or she’s just mad,” Christen offered, taking a pull from her cup of beet and apple juice.

     Julia nodded over her mug, just infinitesimally. “Maybe you should’ve told her after sex.”

     “That’s what I said!” Christen grinned, raising her hand for a high five.

     “Yeah, except I didn’t get to tell her,” Ali said, growing annoyed as the two of them snickered.

     “Ooh, that’s insult to injury,” Julia added, pinching off a piece of chocolate croissant. “Who did?”

     Ali scrunched her nose in frustration. “It’s not my fault,” she grumbled. “Knox opened his big mouth.”

     “Ooh, isn’t he the cute one?” Julia asked and immediately received a swat from Christen.

     “Not helpful,” she chided, directing a look towards Ali and then back to Julia.

     “She’s just being stubborn,” Ali said quietly, bringing her coffee bowl to her mouth, blowing over the liquid.

     “Or she’s just mad,” Christen repeated.

     Ali fumed quietly in her chair, acutely aware of the looks that her friends were passing back and forth. She knew how she looked, how it all sounded and those thoughts just made it worse. She’d been up for nearly the entire night between texting and calling, begging Ashlyn to just talk to her and then giving in towards the wee hours and having it turn into anger instead.

     She thought back to the moment around 12:30 the night before when she’d realized that really she should just put her phone down and try to sleep. She rationalized that Ashlyn would need time, that it was not within her control to either change the way she felt nor was it necessary to swoop in to make her feel better. Ashlyn was a grown woman and would get over things in her own time.

     Except the minutes had passed, congealing into an hour, then an hour and a half – Ali sat propped up against her headboard, angrily flipping through a copy of Us Weekly while stealing glances at her silent phone. She didn’t like to admit it out loud, but when she’d relented before and told herself to wait for Ashlyn to make a move, she was actually just trying to buy some positive karma and hoped she’d be receiving a call any minute.

     Unbidden, full blown arguments began to piece themselves together in Ali’s head, the two of them dancing in dangerously tight circles around each other as they tried to stand their own ground. Ali imagined the perfect words, perfect comebacks, perfect argument to construct in order to have Ashlyn not only happy for her but begging for forgiveness for being such a –

     Ali had picked up her phone, mulling it over in her hands. She uselessly refreshed it more than a few times, even going through her email inbox to make sure she hadn’t missed a message coming from a different medium. Still, nothing. Wherever Ashlyn was, she surely wasn’t thinking about Ali and the way they were likely about to go through their first night of not speaking.

     That’s when the first round of passive aggressive messages had been constructed by a combination of too fast, impulsive fingers and a hot streak of stubbornness. Ali had fired them off, sure that once Ashlyn picked up the change in her tone, she’d know that they weren’t playing anymore and it was time to seriously talk. She felt sure, sending the fourth long text that she’d be getting a phone call at any moment.

     Fifteen minutes later, Ali typed the words “fucking brat” and threw her phone onto the floor, curling it to land under her bed. She clicked off her bedside table lamp, cord clanging against the metal; she curled herself under the comfort of her thick blankets, urging sleep to take over before she could either hear or not hear her phone ring.

     Julia cleared her throat softly, bringing Ali back to focus. “Just as a question though, why didn’t you tell her about it? Like, to begin with?”

     Ali stared off into the distance as though willing a stranger’s shoes to produce the perfect answer. Maybe that was it – having wanted to find the perfect way to explain to Ashlyn that this was _right_ for her, it was what she wanted. She knew Ashlyn well enough to know she’d take it entirely too seriously, take it as a way to escape.

     “I don’t … know,” Ali said slowly, putting her mug back down on the table with a heavy thud. “It wasn’t …  I didn’t do this on purpose.”

     “Babe,” Christen started, reaching over to pat Ali’s bicep with the palm of her hand, “I love you but it was definitely kind of your bad.”

     Julia nodded and immediately Ali wished that she hadn’t agreed to morning coffee with them. “So what? I just need to give up?”

     Julia snorted politely. “I think she’s saying the exact opposite.”

     “Yeah, pretty much,” Christen agreed, taking a gulp from her straw.

     Ali felt a brief shimmer of hope before she realized that she hadn’t actually talked to Ashlyn, in any method of communication for the last 12 hours. “But she won’t listen!”

     Christen shrugged, chewing the end of the straw into her mouth. “So make her.”

* * *

     Ashlyn clanged away on the busted piece of metal, barely hanging on to steady it before she slammed the rubber mallet into it over and over, willing it to just fucking bend already. The sound clanged and echoed back relentlessly in the small space, the walls of the sculpting studio not helping to create anything but cacophony. Ashlyn grimaced and wiped her thick leather gloved hand across her brow, breathing before she began her next assault on sheet metal.

     Around her students from the different art majors worked, mostly to themselves. Occasionally there would be chatters of collaboration and opinions between them but it was an unspoken rule that studio time was for everyone to enjoy silently at their leisure. She appreciated it, even foregoing headphones in order to focus solely on the way she felt, the emotions she was aiming to put into her piece.

     She dropped the mallet back onto the table, reaching to pick up one of the sharpeners from the school issued tool set lying next to it. Sure, it felt petty now, knowing she was using substandard gear on a piece that she desperately needed to attain perfection on but at the time she’d enjoyed kicking her Christmas present into the space under her wardrobe.

 _Fucking Ali_ , Ashlyn thought with a scowl. _Fucking Knox_. She tried to convince herself, calm herself as she thought of him. If she were truly honest, she knew it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault that Ashlyn didn’t know … right? Sure, she’d seen the way he’d looked at Ali more than a few times now, still playing the perfect gentleman card of course but it wasn’t a problem. Sure, he’d mentioned twice about being invited to model for Abercrombie but that _wasn’t a problem_.

     It wasn’t until Ashlyn realized that she’d scooted onto the other, honest side of Ali’s line that she realized Knox was already standing there, waving annoyingly under the headphone earmuffs Ali had got him at Christmas. A shiver of sick, swooping jealousy went through her, sending goosebumps from the back of her legs through the top of her skull. _It’s not fair_ , she thought, _he’s just free to show up when he wants, get everyone’s attention. I have to work at it._

     She dropped the sharpener with a clang to the workbench, leaning over it until she was nearly flat on her stomach, burying her face into the back of her gloves. It wasn’t doing her any good to perseverate, wasting the time she’d carved out to come work. Between classes and work and the band – _and Ali_ , she sighed internally -  it was growing increasingly difficult to find good time to work on her art without feeling rushed or as though it was a task.

     Ashlyn looked down at the still shapeless pieces of metal, willing for the ability to wave her arms in the air and form every bit in the way she wanted. She wanted the clock on the wall to stop moving, wanted the world to stop spinning. She watched as the fluorescent lights bounced off the shining surfaces, tried to look through to what she loved about making sculptures. It was still there, the underlying reason she took out new loans each semester to stay in school. It was about the art.

     She dreamt of a time where she wouldn’t have to compromise with her schedule, where she could wake up each morning to work as she saw fit and never feel like she was rushing to perform to a deadline or specification. That’s what art was supposed to be like, at least in her daydreams. _Maybe_ , she thought, _the problem is school_. What if the reason her pieces hadn’t been up to standard for the Denver art gallery was because she was too busy trying to fit herself within the bounds of the art department here at the university?

     The thought scared her once it reached its inevitable conclusion: _drop out_. She’d had debates with people over the usefulness of a degree in the arts from the perspective that sometimes it just wasn’t what worked for one person in particular. She had no judgement for those that thrived within their degree plans and in fact, was mostly jealous of the way the system worked for them.

 _Round peg in a square hole_ , she thought passively, looking around at the students in the room. She could tell by the looks on some of their faces that this was what they were built for, where they were made to thrive. Others, like herself, looked harried or like they’d found themselves at a dead end. When was it time to stop pushing and just go with your gut?

     The door creaked open, interrupting her thoughts and reminding her to get back to work – the room would close at ten, leaving her just over two hours to maximize her potential. She reached again for the sharpening tool, turning the work in progress around to the other side to attack from a new angle. She felt slightly renewed, wanting to dig deep and find out if she was on the right track.

     However, once the recently arrived person settled at the desk across from her, Ashlyn’s concentration was totally blown.

     “What are you doing here?” she hissed, teeth gritted.

     Ali gave her an infuriating shrug, lifting her backpack to place it on the table. “It’s an art room, right? I’m here to make art.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes, looking around to ensure no one was paying attention. “You’re not an art student.”

     “But I am a student at the university and as such, I am allowed to use the facilities as I need.” She unzipped her bag, reached in and pulled out two large rolls of aluminum foil.

     “Fucking … _Ali_ ,” she whispered, giving her a hard look. “Are you serious?”

     Someone in the back of the room made a _shh!_ noise, and Ashlyn fought the urge to flip them the bird.

     “As you were,” Ali said, waving a hand distractedly as she began to pull and tear pieces of foil.

     “Brat indeed,” Ashlyn muttered to herself, making a show of rolling out the school borrowed tool set and laying it in view of the opposite table.

* * *

     The door clicked shut and Ashlyn thought perhaps she was imagining the high pitched tone in her ears, droning on and on until she looked up to acknowledge that they were the only two left in the room. She peeked out of the corner of her eye first, ensuring Ali’s head was down before inspecting. As her head turned back around, however, Ali was smiling up at her.

     “Wanna see?” she asked, pulling an earbud out.

     “No,” Ashlyn answered petulantly, clearing her throat again. “I’m not … I’m not done yet.”

     “Didn’t ask to see yours,” Ali said brightly. “I want you to look at mine.”

     “I told you I’m not done working Ali,” Ashlyn murmured, pulling back a corner of metal and picking up her soldering iron.

     Ali tapped her watch. “Don’t think you have much of an option,” she said. “We’ve gotta be out of here in seven minutes.”

     Ashlyn sighed in heavy annoyance, dropping the iron back to the table. “ _What_ Ali? What do you want to show me?”

     “C’mere,” she said, holding out her hand.

     She wasn’t sure why, but Ashlyn relented. She stood to walk around the table until she had a full view of Ali’s “project”, the one she’d been working on diligently while bouncing around to the beat of her music right in Ashlyn’s periphery. As she read the words scrawled out in bits of aluminum foil, Ashlyn had to bite her lips to stop a smile.

     “What do you think?” Ali asked expectantly.

     “’I’m sorry I was a jerk. I love you. Please talk to me. I heart your butt’ – Ali!” Ashlyn said, putting on a serious face. “Really?”

     Ali just shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

     “Kind of takes away from the sentiment, don’t you think?” Ashlyn asked, folding her arms across her chest.

     “Honey, I’m not at all sorry for loving your butt.”

     Ashlyn turned away, moving back to her desk to begin packing up. She was instantly aggravated by the way Ali seemed to think that making her laugh was going to fix it all. She wanted to be away from her, wanted to put it all behind her until she couldn’t anymore.

     “Aw come on,” Ali said, walking behind Ashlyn and pulling back on her elbow. “Talk to me. Don’t … don’t go.”

     Ashlyn stopped in her tracks, keeping her back to her girlfriend while she considered. “Yeah? Can I say the same to you?”

     A hushed silence fell over the room, only the hum of the air conditioner mixing in with their own thoughts. Ali fidgeted, tapping her toe down onto the ground aimlessly. Ashlyn turned around finally but took a half step back, knowing her resolve would melt as soon as she looked into her eyes.

     “Baby …” Ali started, and sure enough her gaze began to travel up.

     “What do you want?” Ashlyn said, closing her eyes and raising a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. “You want me to be fucking happy for you?”

     “Well … yes.”

     Ashlyn’s eyes opened wide of their own accord, ready to fight. “Well, maybe if I didn’t have to find out from your fucking classmate. Maybe if I found out back in fucking December I could be happy for you.”

     “ _I’m sorry_!” Ali shouted, stepping closer into Ashlyn’s space. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything then! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you last month or the one before! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you yesterday when you brought me the flowers! I’m sorry for every minute I kept it inside and do you want to know why?”

     “Cause you feel fucking guilty?” Ashlyn spat, stepping closer herself. “Cause you know you’ve pissed me off and broken my …”

     She stopped cold and Ali did too. They looked at each other strangely, Ashlyn desperately trying to gather the corners of her humility and vulnerability to bring them securely back around her and it was as though Ali had just understood something in an instant.

     “I …” Ali started, licking her lips before talking. “I’m sorry because I didn’t give you a chance, baby. I was so excited when I found out and all I could think is how you’d react …”

     Ashlyn muttered something, not even knowing herself what it was meant to be and Ali reached forward in the pause to pull her arms from the fold, sliding down until she had her hands. When Ashlyn didn’t resist, she kept going.

     “I love you so much, and you’ve been … so hard on yourself. I don’t even think you really know how hard you are on yourself sometimes. So when I knew I wanted to go study abroad, I knew … well, I won’t put words in your mouth but I thought that maybe you’d think it was because I didn’t want to be with you.”

     Ashlyn clamped her jaw shut, knowing that’s precisely what she’d intimated to Kelley earlier that morning as well as countless times to herself. She gave a half-hearted shrug, knowing she was confirming it all. Ali nodded softly before reaching up to cup her face.

     “Oh Ash,” she said quietly, moving forward by millimeters until the blonde was back up against the edge of the workbench, head still hung down to look at the ground. “There’s no one in this world I want to be with as much as you, no one I want to see. You are the person I want to tell everything to,” she continued through Ashlyn’s sarcastic eye roll, “you’re who I want to share everything with. You’re who I want … You’re who I want to make myself the best for.”

     Ashlyn looked up, just enough to watch Ali’s lips move. “Yeah?” she asked them, watching mesmerized as Ali’s tongue slid across to wet them again.

     “Yeah baby,” Ali breathed. “I want to make sure I’m being everything I can be so you can have it, so we can make something together. I’m not thrilled at the idea of being away from you but this is such a good opportunity to build my skills and have something amazing to put on a resume. I want to do this for me, but I also want it for us.”

     Ashlyn barely believed the words she was hearing, flying in the face of all of her self doubt. It sounded as though … Could Ali be intimating that she wanted something more than …? Ashlyn nodded, finally relenting and looking into Ali’s big, warm eyes. She smiled despite herself, unable to push away the joy from reconnecting with her.

     “Me too,” she whispered, clearing her throat. “I’ve been … I know it’s not the same but …”

     “Your thing you wanted to tell me?” Ali asked, smiling softly as she allowed her hands to press to Ashlyn’s chest.

     Ashlyn nodded again. “I’ve been … I mean, I know you know that I’ve been out of it and I’m sorry I haven’t said anything either. I think I realize now that … You were probably really confused too. And hurt, maybe.”

     Ali only kept smiling, shaking her head. “I knew you’d bring me in when you were ready, baby. I was ready when you were.”

     “I was in …” Ashlyn began, the words caught in a tangle in her throat. “When I was with Kelley, I wasn’t … we weren’t hanging out. I mean, we did a little but she just really dropped me off and picked me up.”

     “Underground drug cartel?” Ali joked, going forward until their chests were touching, moving so slowly.

     Ashlyn couldn’t help but grin. “Close,” she said. “I was in … I’ve been seeing a therapist.”

     Ali’s eyes opened wider and she stopped her progression into Ashlyn’s arms. “Really?” At Ashlyn’s miniscule nod. “That’s great, Ash. I’m proud of you.”

     “Are you?” Ashlyn asked, feeling a blush on her cheeks. “I didn’t know if you would think I was being … I don’t know … dramatic.”

     Ali shook her head seriously. “I think you knew enough to know you needed some help and you sought it out. That’s incredible, babe. I think a lot of people shirk it off when they’re in a bad place because it’s easier to tell themselves they’ll be fine. There’s such a stigma on seeking professional health and there shouldn’t be. I’m very, very proud of you.”

     “Just … It’s like you said. I want to be the best for you,” Ashlyn said, sliding her hands around Ali’s back. “Because you deserve the best.”

     The space between them was gone, Ali sinking fully into Ashlyn’s chest, wrapping her arms around her waist and burying her face into her neck. Ashlyn sighed, kissing the top of Ali’s head and drinking in the clean scent of her shampoo until she was dizzy, wanting nothing but Ali – her scent, her body, her love.

     They stayed locked together, beginning to softly sway back and forth as they held on, both breathing deeply and sighing every few minutes as they exhaled everything they’d been hanging on to. Every so often, Ali’s face would nuzzle until Ashlyn felt her lips on her skin, pressed insistently against her as Ali inhaled.

     Ashlyn felt her body stir, felt heat begin to radiate from where Ali’s lips were on her – so different from the way she’d been numb under her in Aspen, the way she’d been unable to respond a few times since. Her hands began to close, clenching the loose fabric of Ali’s t-shirt in her grasp. Ashlyn pulled automatically, guiding her ever closer.

     Wordlessly, Ali’s hands began to slide up, spreading over the expanses of her back and pressing into her muscles left in knots from being hunched over her workbench. As she reached the tops of her shoulders, Ali kissed her neck again, dragging her open mouth up to her jawline. As Ashlyn arched against her, her lips turned up in a grin and she laughed softly.

     The blood started to run through Ashlyn’s veins in a hot, throbbing pulse – her hips thrummed forward, met with resistance when Ali pressed her backwards, edge of the table digging into her lower back. Ashlyn hissed softly when Ali began to work a leg between hers, distracting her with the tip of her tongue tracing over her jaw.

     They didn’t speak, didn’t need to; grasping hands and sharp breaths said everything that had been omitted between them in the last few months. They moved against each other in growing ferocity, until Ashlyn let loose first – her surprised moan echoing into the space. Ali giggled in response, nipping onto her earlobe before whispering quietly. “How fast do you think you can pack up?”

     Ashlyn had her messenger bag around her shoulders within three minutes, not caring about anything save for the way Ali’s hand was sliding into her back pocket, gripping onto her ass as she whispered filthy promises into her ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking with me through this -- especially considering the long waiting periods! <3


	20. the entrance that i make will fall so short of grand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn & Ali find out the very hard way that they're on separate pages.

     “Come on, you piece of shit!” Ashlyn’s finger jabbed the ‘down’ button repeatedly, avoiding looking back the way she’d came. No doubt someone would be running after her soon, her shouted demand to be left alone falling on deaf ears.

     She heard the slow mechanical whirring of the oncoming car and urged it to speed up. If she allowed herself to pay attention, she could hear murmuring from down the hallway, along with clacking footsteps on the tile. She pressed the button again, angry at the orange light; wishing it would go out, wishing her escape route would make itself available. Stubborn, the light shone on and the footsteps behind her grew closer.

     “You son of a bitch,” she muttered angrily, feeling the first hot tear roll down her face.

 _No fucking way_ , she thought. _Not here_. She reached up, hastily swiping the back of her hand along her cheek to collect the moisture, fighting the full feeling in her chest aching to be released.

     “Ashlyn?” she heard from down the hall.

     She didn’t bother to turn around, grateful when the doors opened. She rushed inside, not looking up and instead keeping her head ducked while she pressed “1” and “close”. The footsteps increased in speed as the car creaked shut –

     The doors jarred and from the corner of her gaze fixed on the floor, Ashlyn saw a high heeled foot barely poking through as they opened again. She took a deep breath before looking up, praying the onslaught of tears and howling sadness would stay controlled as she met a pair of concerned eyes.

* * *

     “Pookie!”

     Ashlyn grinned ear to ear, her arms opening wide to receive Allie as she slammed into her chest, not paying attention to the way her bags fell as she dropped them to the ground. They locked together, Ashlyn stumbling backwards as Allie nuzzled hard into her; laughter turning into shrieks as they began to wobble towards the ground.

     “Easy tiger,” Ashlyn said, reaching up to muss her hair. “You’re gonna have to spend the weekend in the hospital if you’re not careful.”

     “God,” Allie said, pulling back to cup Ashlyn’s face. “I can’t believe it’s only been four months! It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen this adorable little smile.”

     Ashlyn shook her head, trying to move as Allie squished her cheeks. “I know! I’m being spoiled getting to see you in spring! Don’t think I have for the last three years.” She reached down, collecting Allie’s duffle bag and looping it over her shoulder. “So, welcome to Denver! I can’t believe you’ve never been here before.”

     “Well, you think someone would’ve invited me before their junior year but no,” Allie joked, walking close to Ashlyn’s side as they began their walk from baggage claim.

     Ashlyn dropped her mouth open in mock indignation. “Excuse me, Miss Long! I believe I invited you _twice_ last year and you always gave me some dumb excuse! I’ve been asking you to visit since I started going here.”

     Allie shrugged. “Okay, or maybe it’s because I’m a Florida girl at heart and you talk entirely too often about the snow and mountains. It just sounds like it’s always cold.”

     “It’s April,” Ashlyn scoffed. “April _after_ a nice, easy winter. I think you’re just too busy cooing over your boyfriend to want to hang out with your best friend.”

     “I don’t think you’re one to talk,” Allie said, climbing onto the escalator and turning to face her. “I’m surprised I’m not meeting Ali here. I didn’t think you knew how to go anywhere without her.”

     “Ha ha,” Ashlyn said with a wry smile, ignoring Allie’s ribbing. “We’re practicing my independence. Shut up.”

     “Is she coming today?” Allie asked, scrolling through her phone for missed notifications.

     “Nah,” Ashlyn replied, feeling the vibration from her own cell in her back pocket. She pulled it out, seeing the name and lots of exclamation marks in the preview. “Just my friend Kelley from the band. She’s screeching at me right now, actually -- something about being yelled at where she’s parked.”

     She rolled through the message and chuckled. “Come on, we gotta go before she gets towed and we all have to figure out how to get back to Boulder on foot.”

* * *

     “No, no get this –“ Allie choked out, reaching up to wipe a tear from her eyes. “So after this idiot realizes that she and I are taking the _wrong damn test_ , she has the nerve to walk right up to the proctor’s desk and ask him to have the other teacher grade it!”

     “Uh-uh!” Kelley said with wide eyes, grin stretching across her face as she whipped her head around to Ashlyn. “You did not!”

     Ashlyn gave her a sheepish grin before nodding, silent chuckles rattling her chest. Allie just nodded before continuing, “She did! I’m sitting in the back of this giant gymnasium full of students, wringing my hands and trying to figure out how I’m gonna graduate high school with an F for statistics on my final transcript and I don’t know how this one even made it up there with that much of a swagger!”

     Kelley slapped Ashlyn’s shoulder, barking out a laugh. “You were such a little prick!”

     “You have no idea,” Allie said, nodding. “She’d turned back around in her chair and whispered so coolly, ‘Hey Pooks, we’re taking the test for the Monday morning class’ and as I panicked because we had 10 minutes until the test was finished, she just said ‘Ah, don’t worry, watch this’. Our teacher, bless his heart – he didn’t even know what to say!”

     “God, he never knew what to say,” Ashlyn said, tipping her chair on the back two legs and giving the two of them a confident smile. “I don’t think he knew what he was talking about to be perfectly honest. He was just guessing.”

     “You guys went to a weird high school,” Kelley said, grinning while she took a drink of her water. “Our finals were just in the regular classes.”

     “Magnet school,” Ashlyn replied, popping two French fries into her mouth. “They said they were getting us ready for college so they mimicked a bunch of the scheduling. I think they just didn’t want to see us every day.”

     “Yeah, a public school teacher would’ve just smiled as he failed you, I promise you that,” Kelley grumbled.

     “I can’t believe he didn’t,” said Allie. “He just gave her this long calculating look like he so very desperately wanted to make an example out of her but just shrugged and put it in the other stack. I remember him sighing like Ashlyn’s stupid dimple had just taken five years off his life.”

     Ashlyn laughed out loud again, her chair falling forward to the ground with a thud. “I can’t believe he even recognized my face! The amount of times we skipped that class, I don’t even know how we managed to pass in the first place – right _or_ wrong test.”

     “Probably should’ve gone to class more,” Allie agreed, reaching over to Ashlyn’s plate to grab her half-eaten panini. “But really, I don’t think that between an art major and an English major that we ever needed to learn to calculate the probability of pulling a red marble after pulling a green one, you know?”

     Kelley just shook her head in amusement, watching Ashlyn reach to swipe her sandwich back from the blonde. “I want to hear more stories of jackass high schooler Ashlyn. I need more roasting material for rehearsals.”

     “I’m a veritable treasure trove of embarrassing Ashlyn Harris stories!” Allie exclaimed, the next words muffled when Ashlyn covered her mouth.

     “Please!” Kelley beseeched, reaching to grab Ashlyn away. “She always acts like she’s the coolest person in the world. _Please_ help me bring her down a notch!”

     “If you two are done,” Ashlyn said loudly, reaching to wave her hands in both of their faces as they laughed. “Geez, here I was thinking that it’d be nice to get my two best friends together and all they want to do is use their combined powers to make fun of me.”

     “Well, considering we’re the only people who can stand to be around you …” Kelley started, dodging Ashlyn’s airborne French fry.

     They all three laughed for a minute, Ashlyn pretending to roll her eyes back but feeling an intense joy in her heart as she watched Kelley and Allie smile at each other. It felt complete in a way that she’d been missing, mostly due to college and being far flung from the connections she’d had growing up. She hadn’t worried about getting the two of them together, but watching the ease at which they got to know each other, she couldn’t help but feel a mental click of the pieces of her life all fitting together.

     “Shouldn’t there be three of us though?” Allie asked, and off a confused look she continued, “Where’s Ali? I wanna meet the girl I’ve heard so much about.”

     Ashlyn opened her mouth to respond but Kelley forged ahead. “Imagine an actual Disney princess but with more mascara.” She dodged a hit from Ashlyn and grinned. “Nah, just kidding. She’s great.”

     “She’s amazing,” Ashlyn gushed, but was cut off by Allie.

     “Please babe,” she groaned. “I’m trying to eat here.”

     “Come on,” Ashlyn teased. “Like you don’t think Bati is perfect. Boyfriend,” she said to Kelley’s raised eyebrow.

     “Sure,” Allie replied, picking a tomato off her flatbread and popping it in her mouth. “When he takes the trash out.”

     “To be fair, I don’t know if any of us can be quite as happy as you though, Ash,” Kelley said, leaning back and kicking up her feet onto the free chair at the table.

     “Or maybe no one can be quite as whipped,” Allie said, giving her a wide-eyed smile and raising her hand for Kelley’s outstretched high five.

     As they laughed however, Ashlyn smiled down at her plate. She thought of how at one point she would’ve immediately contested, having had a similar argument once with Allie over a high school girlfriend. A few years later, she felt very differently: she was _proud_ to be seen that way.

     She thought of how she felt for Ali, thought of the conversation that was hanging on the tip of her tongue and what it would mean when she finally voiced it out loud. _If only they knew_ , she thought to herself, watching as they chattered on about dessert, discussing the different options on the menu. She’d planned what she was going to say and still she didn’t think she was fully prepared.

     Surely, Kelley would give her a silent, wide eyed nod and Allie … _well, I guess I’ll find out_ , she thought bemusedly.

     “Actually,” Ashlyn piped up, interrupting a debate on the best type of cake. “I was thinking we could go for macrons instead. Interested?”

     “Hell yeah!” Kelley said, pushing her chair back to get to her feet. “Are you thinking of Tee & Cakes?”

     Ashlyn nodded, reaching for her jacket. She turned to Allie, “It’s fabulous, you’ll love it.”

     “We’re gonna be five hundred pounds by the time you leave here, trust me,” Kelley said.

     “Don’t worry, we’ll burn more calories laughing as I tell you about the time Ashlyn dressed up in a Matrix costume for a class video and someone stole her clothes so she had to stay in a skintight rubber suit all day,” Allie cracked.

     “Do it and you’re sleeping on the floor, Long.”

* * *

     “I _am_ gonna be five hundred pounds,” Allie groaned, rubbing her stomach as they walked down the bricked promenade. “Pookie, I didn’t bring sweatpants. We need to go shopping.”

     Ashlyn grinned, taking a sip of her coffee. “I think you’ll be fine,” she said, gently nudging against Kelley so they took a left. “Let’s go down this way.”

     Kelley gave her a look. “The car’s that way,” she said slowly.

     “It is,” Ashlyn agreed, and linked her arms with theirs. “But there’s something I want to show you guys. Something I’ve got to pick up.”

     “It’s not my birthday yet,” Allie said with a smile, looking into a store window as they walked by.

     “New drumsticks?” Kelley asked, pointing up the street to a music store she frequented.

     “Not hardly,” Ashlyn replied, taking a deep breath. She was sure of her decision but still worried at her friends’ reactions. She didn’t know if she was ready to hear … whatever they were going to say.

     “That was a sigh,” Allie said, stopping the three of them so she could turn her head towards Ashlyn. “What’s on your mind?”

     Ashlyn released them and nodded towards a bench. “Do you guys mind sitting down?”

     Kelley sat as requested but Allie lingered a moment, the expression on her face morphing from confusion to hesitant worry. “Ashlyn …”

     "Just sit Al,” she said, rubbing her hands together while Allie perched next to Kelley.

     “Ashlyn Harris,” Allie said slowly, not breaking their eye contact. “I’ve seen this look before.”

     Kelley looked between the two of them, stilling her fidgeting at once. “What’s going on?”

     Ashlyn just took a deep breath again, shoving her hands into her front pockets. “You have not,” she said, answering Allie’s remark.

     “Have so,” Allie countered. “Don’t you dare.”

     “Don’t you dare what?” Kelley asked, still bouncing her eyes. “What am I missing?”

     "You’re not about to say what I think you are, are you?”

     “Well maybe if you’d shut up, you’d find out.”

     “Find out what? Guys!”

     Clearing her throat, Ashlyn continued. “So, just to preface this, I’m not interested in your opinion on the length of time I’ve thought of this,” she said, giving Allie a firm look. “I need you to remember you love me.”

     “Christ,” Allie breathed, dropping her head for a moment before lifting back up. “Okay, I’m listening Ash.”

     “As am I and I’d really like to catch up,” Kelley said, kicking a foot out at Ashlyn. “Spit it out.”

     There were twenty seconds of silence, Ashlyn shifting her weight between her feet, worrying her lip as she tried to formulate the perfect words. “I love her,” she said slowly, mostly to her shoelaces. “I know I love her more than … anything.”

     When she raised her eyes, she could tell the way it would play out. Kelley’s eyes were the size of cup saucers and Allie’s mouth was in a hard line; _exactly as imagined_ , she thought. Her mouth had gone dry and she cleared her throat again before continuing.

     “I know what you’re both going to say. I know,” she said quietly, and nodded. “But I promise you I’ve actually thought about this. And I’m not doing this alone. We’ve … well, we’ve not really … But I know it’s where we’re going.”

     “Ashlyn,” Kelley said slowly. “Are you about to tell me that …”

     “We’re going to pick up an engagement ring, aren’t we?” Allie asked in an even tone.

     Ashlyn just nodded, and she ignored Kelley’s intake of breath. “Bought it last week. It was being sized.”

     There was silence between the three of them, Allie’s eyes never leaving Ashlyn’s and out of the corner of her eye she could see Kelley take a long, deep breath.

     “So you didn’t invite me to Colorado just to hang out with you,” Allie said with a very unamused laugh.

     “No,” Ashlyn said, annoyed. “I invited you to see the most important moment in my life.”

     “How thoughtful,” Allie said, rolling her eyes. “Ashlyn Michelle … are you serious?”

     “As a heart attack,” Ashlyn said, going deadly quiet. “And it’d be wise not to question that.”

     Ashlyn looked down at her feet, willing the hot wave of anger to fade before she could talk again. She knew Allie would give her a hard time, but not like this – didn’t she see how earnestly she loved Ali? Couldn’t she understand that even though she was young, even though it hadn’t been long that she knew they were meant to be together forever?

     Also in the pit of her stomach, bubbling under the anger and resentment at her friend was a gnawing worry that began to ask if this was the reaction to be expected. She thought of what had motivated the seedling of this decision in her head, the way Ali had talked of making herself better for their future together that night in the art studio. She’d been so raw and honest, telling Ashlyn that she wished to be the absolute best she could be so they’d be able to build together.

 _Are you sure_? asked the voice inside of her head, swimming around her ears. She didn’t want to answer that question, didn’t want to think of the possibility that she was wrong. She’d been so confident when she’d walked into the store, had been so full of joy and excitement for the rest of her life as she answered questions about her fiancée-to-be, gushing with appreciation as the shopkeeper helped her pick out the perfect, and affordable, ring. She’d thought herself so clever as she figured out Ali’s size, making a show of wrapping 10 bread ties around her fingers and securing the left ring one into her pocket when they’d cleaned up the dinner table.

 _We’re ready_ , she thought to herself, trying not to think the end but it came anyway, _right?_ When she glanced at Allie again, her apprehension nestled deeply into her veins and she tried to clear it with a shake of her head.

     “Just be happy for me,” she said beseechingly, furrowing her brow. “I know it’s not what you’d do Al, but it’s my life and I’m not doing this lightly. I promise you that I’ve thought about this. I love her. I love her so fucking much.”

     It was Allie’s turn to sigh, and she did so as Kelley gave her a warm smile. “I think it’s great,” she said simply, looking at Allie from the corner of her eye as she stood and held her arms out. “I’m happy for you dude,” she said and hugged her.

     “Thanks,” Ashlyn said with a small smile, releasing Kelley from her arms and looking back to the bench. “Al?”

     Allie rose to her feet, nodding slowly twice before quirking her cheek in a half smile, half grimace. “If you’re absolutely sure Pooks,” she said.

     “I’m sure,” Ashlyn said with an earnest nod.

     “Well,” the blonde replied, jerking her head. “Let’s go pick up that ring, yeah?”

     Ashlyn couldn’t fight it, breaking into a giant smile and crashing into Allie, wrapping her arms around the tops of her shoulders. “Thank you,” she whispered into her ear, planting a noisy kiss on her cheek.

     “Yeah, yeah,” Allie said with a grin, linking their arms back together as they started to walk again. “My ‘thank you for being in my wedding’ gift better be fucking spectacular.”

* * *

     Ashlyn only had to idle at the curb at Pi Beta Phi for a few moments before the door opened, Christen pulling it shut and practically sprinting to the passenger door. She pulled it open with a giggle, leaping in and closing it behind her as she scrambled to sit up.

     “Go, go, go!” she shouted, reaching back to pull her seatbelt.

     Ashlyn chuckled but started driving, checking in her mirrors to ensure she didn’t see her girlfriend come outside. “Do you think she noticed anything?” she asked.

     “I don’t think so,” Christen said, breathing heavily. “She said she was studying for a test she has this week. We haven’t been able to get her to leave her room.”

     “Good,” Ashlyn replied, taking a left and heading towards downtown.

     “So what’s this surprise?” Christen asked. “Do I need to pack a bag again?”

     “Not this time,” Ashlyn said with a smile. “No overnights and you’ll actually be here for this one.”

     “You know, I’m flattered but I don’t know if I’d want to have a threesome with you two.” Christen grinned, “You’d both end up too jealous when the other only wanted to pay attention to me!”

     “Christen Press!” Ashlyn said and dropped her mouth open. “I’ve never heard you make a sex joke before! What has gotten into you? Or rather, who?”

     Christen blushed but shook her head. “I think I’ve just spent too much time around you guys,” she said.

     “Yeah, you’ve been to band practice more than a handful of times now, huh?” Ashlyn asked with a waggle of her eyebrows.

     “ _Anyway_ ,” Christen said, rolling her eyes. “What’ve you got in mind?”

     Ashlyn cleared her throat, feeling the familiar butterflies as she prepared to relay her plans. “Something big,” she said, turning into the nearby park and looking for a parking spot. “Like, _the_ something big.”

     Christen furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

     Ashlyn pulled in and put the truck in park, turning off the ignition before reaching over into her glovebox. As soon as she pulled out the small black box, Christen gasped. “Ashlyn! What is that?”

     “World’s smallest box of chocolates,” she said jokingly, creaking the hinges open to reveal a modestly sized diamond ring. She handed it to Christen with slightly trembling hands before twisting them together in her lap. “What do you think?”

     “Again,” Christen said, eyeing the ring with a smile, “I’m flattered, but I think Ali’s gonna have a problem with this.”

     “Why is everyone I know suddenly a court jester?” Ashlyn asked with a grin.

     “It’s beautiful,” Christen said softly, closing it with care before handing it back to her. “When?”

     “Saturday,” Ashlyn replied, putting it back in its hiding place. “I’ve reserved the rooftop at Pizarro’s and I’ve asked the guys to play music for us. It’s gonna be you, Julia, the guys, Allie and Kelley. Well, and Ali obviously.”

     “Obviously,” Christen echoed with a small smile. She paused a moment, fidgeting with her nails. “Ali hadn’t mentioned … I just didn’t know you guys were this far along yet. I’m just a bit surprised.”

     Ashlyn’s comment caught in her throat. “Uh, yeah,” she stammered. “I mean we haven’t explicitly like, talked about it I guess but it’s been hinted at and I mean … I think it’ll be a bit of a surprise but you know, not totally unfounded.”

     “Right,” Christen nodded. “No, I figured you’d know for sure. Just saying – just unexpected.” There was a short but uncomfortable silence between them before Christen spoke again. “So what do you need me to do?”

     Ashlyn frowned to herself, an icy wave of uncertainty swirling in her veins. “Uh,” she paused, collecting her thoughts. “I just need you guys to get her to Pizarro’s at six,” she said. “I’ll get there a bit early to get it all set up and have the guys ready – you know, we’ll be playing some little cute thing when she gets there and then I’m gonna do my center of attention thing to pop the question.” She looked up to give Christen a smile and faltered when she saw she wasn’t looking and instead was focusing on the glove compartment.

     “That sounds cute,” Christen said, finally looking up and meeting her eyes. Ashlyn could see the forced smile.

     “Chris …” she started, searching her face. “You seem …”

     “Not at all!” came the reply, a bit squeakier than Ashlyn was sure she intended. She cleared her throat and put on a smile. “I think it’ll be great. I’m totally in and I’ll fill Julia in too.”

     The seconds after were as heavy as lead; Ashlyn fought against the urge to ask Christen’s opinion, knowing she didn’t truly need to as it was written all over her face. _If you’re the only one who thinks this is a good idea_ … She forcibly changed tracks in her head, giving Christen a wide smile. “Excellent. So, six sounds good?”

     “Definitely,” Christen nodded. She looked in the rearview mirror before looking at her watch. “Sorry, I’ve gotta get back pretty quickly. Are we good?”

     “Yeah, of course,” Ashlyn said, throwing the truck in reverse. “We’re good,” and she pulled out of the spot without bothering to look over her shoulder.

* * *

     “Please tell me I don’t look as nervous as I feel,” Ashlyn said with a frown, pulling on her bow tie.

     Kelley smiled at her, batting her hands away as she ensured both sides were even. “You look great,” she said, patting both of her shoulders. “Just keep breathing.”

     Ashlyn nodded, turning around to look into the mirror in the cramped bathroom on the second floor of the popular Italian restaurant. It’d been easy enough to reserve the rooftop – the owner was a frequent visitor at Billy’s and Ashlyn always made sure he and his family received the best service she could muster. When she’d explained her plans, he’d been all too happy to offer the space.

     “So the guys have it all set up, yeah?” Ashlyn asked, trying to fidget but Kelley hit the back of her hands again.

     “We’re ready,” she nodded. “For the fourth time, we’re all set up. Ready to play as soon as she gets here.”

     “And the kitchen is preparing the food, right?” she asked needlessly, Kelley already nodding.

     “Yes, the food is ready. Only the third time on that question though. You’re less worried about the food than your bandmates so that’s concerning. I’ll take that up for you later though, when you’re overjoyed and your girl is wearing her ring.”

     Ashlyn turned around and Kelley gave her a wide grin. “I’m spazzing out aren’t I?”

     “You are,” Kelley agreed with a shrug. “But it’s kind of a big deal so I get it.”

     “I just feel …” Ashlyn sighed, “I don’t know. Terrified.”

     “That’s understandable,” Kelley said, checking her phone for the time. “But you’re ready, right?”

     “Right, yes,” Ashlyn replied with a nod. “Got the ring,” she patted her pocket. “Got my lucky guitar pick,” she patted the other. “I’m set.”

     “Lucky guitar pick,” Kelley said with her eyes rolling. “You just found that on the ground.”

     “And when I bent to pick it up, I avoided a bird pooping on my head. I think it’s a lucky guitar pick.” Ashlyn said, pulling it out and examining it.

     “You’re an idiot,” Kelley said, leaning back against the bathroom wall while Ashlyn turned to check herself out in the mirror again.

     “I’m an idiot,” Ashlyn agreed and stiffened when she heard Kelley’s slow inhale. “What?” she asked quietly.

     Kelley’s reflection was chewing hard on something, her brow furrowed heavily while she ran her tongue across the front of her teeth. She folded her arms across her chest, looking down until she exhaled and rattled her lips. “Look, I love you,” she started, “but it would be stupid of me to not ask.”

     “Go ahead,” Ashlyn said softly, words barely audible as she put both hands on either side of the sink and kept her eyes on Kelley in the mirror.

     “You’re sure this is what Ali wants right? And that you’re ready?”

     Even expecting the words, Ashlyn felt it was a punch to the gut. She’d seen them coming since she’d first told them on the bench, the way Kelley had been holding something back all week, even as they prepared the set up. She bit her lip against her bitchy comment and instead took her time to nod.

     “I am yeah. I know I’m ready. And I know that no one seems to agree with me.”

     Kelley just looked up at the ceiling. “Babe, we care about you. We just want you to be sure.”

     “Maybe you guys should trust that I know what I’m doing,” Ashlyn snapped.

     “Maybe it’s too soon to get engaged.”

     Ashlyn huffed. “I’m getting really fucking sick of all of you thinking that.”

     “Well,” Kelley said evenly, “maybe you should listen to how many people are thinking it then.”

     An awkward silence fell between them, Ashlyn gripping onto the edges of the sink and Kelley determinately looking down at her shoes. They sat in silence until Kelley sniffed softly, looking up into the mirror with a strange expression. “What did Allie mean?”

     “What do you mean?” Ashlyn snapped. “What did she mean about what?”

     “She said she’d heard it before or something,” Kelley said and Ashlyn lost her words.

     “Just …” she started, exhaling and rolling her eyes. “She just has a habit of hanging onto my dumb decisions.”

     “Dumb decision about what?” Kelley asked.

     Ashlyn huffed once more. “I wanted to propose to my girlfriend in high school,” she said quickly. “Look, it wasn’t the same thing at all. I was young and stupid and in love with being in love. Hell, I realized later that I didn’t even love her.”

     “I don’t think that proves your point quite like you think it does,” Kelley mumbled and backtracked when she saw Ashlyn’s expression. “Okay, look – if you think you’re ready then that’s great. I just had to ask babe.”

     “Did you?” Ashlyn muttered.

     “I did,” Kelley affirmed, reaching forward to put her hand on Ashlyn’s shoulder. “I did because I love you dude. But hey, I’m happy. I’m ready to do this and play the quietest, softest, most romantic drums tonight before watching you get down on one knee and propose to the girl of your dreams. If this is what you want, then let’s go out there and do it.”

     There was another pause, softer than the first as she smiled at Kelley. She finally nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.”

     They left together, shuffling out of the bathroom and into the short hall before getting to the heavy door leading to the patio outside. As the door creaked open, Ashlyn grinned looking at the set up. There were soft lights strung along the lattice, casting a glow along the long table underneath that was set for their private dinner. Jason, Rory and Ricky were set up on the side, tuning and playing around as the clock ticked closer to six.

     Allie was tucked in a wicker patio chair, texting and looking through her phone as Ashlyn approached. She stood up, checking the time before tossing her phone in her purse. “Alright Pooks, we’re down to ten minutes, less if your girl is punctual. You ready?”

     Ashlyn took a deep breath, opening her eyes wide and smiling with her teeth clenched. “Maybe.”

     The two of them laughed together, watching Kelley sit down at her kit and begin to softly play on the snare drum. Ashlyn’s heartbeat was starting to hammer in her throat and she tried to speak twice before Allie reached down to grab her hand. “You’re gonna be fine,” she said, squeezing her fingers.

     “I’m nervous,” Ashlyn admitted, quirking her cheek. “What if she says no?” The question that had been fighting since she’d first gotten the idea in her head floated around freely, filling the air with a shimmering wave of fear.

     Allie took a long deep breath before turning to face her. “Then she’s a fucking fool.” She smiled at Ashlyn, leaning to kiss her cheek.

     Ashlyn started to reply, but then the door was creaking over and it felt like all of the blood was draining from her body. Julia came through first and waved her arms over her head. “She’s coming up the stairs!” she hissed, and sent everyone into motion.

     As planned, the band began to play – something soft and sentimental that Kelley and Allie had argued over before deciding on John Mayer. Julia scrambled to pull out a camera, poising it towards the door as Ashlyn struggled to find air for her lungs to take in.

 _I’m ready, we’re ready_ , she said in her head twice before the door began to open again and she didn’t have a single thought left. Ali walked through first and nothing else in the world existed – she looked exquisite in her short blue cocktail dress, hair falling in big curls down one shoulder and diamond pendant necklace shining above the deep v-neck of her top.

     Ashlyn stopped breathing; everything was on the line, everything in the world was standing in front of her, eyes wide and smiling in polite confusion as she took in everything. She never stopped walking, led by Christen at her side until she noticed Ashlyn standing away from the rest.

     “Baby, what –“ she looked around again and grinned with her tongue between her teeth. “What is this?”

     Suddenly, her plan went to hell. It wasn’t about doing A, then B, then C. She didn’t want to play a song and then wait through dinner. She didn’t want to say words about love and fate and trust. She didn’t want to do anything but ask the question that had been burning in her chest ever since they’d kissed deeply in the art studio those weeks ago. With trembling hands, she reached into her pants pocket, starting to drop to a knee before she’d even pulled it out.

     She heard the guys talking behind her, heard Allie hiss her name once as Ashlyn began to derail all of her own plans. She could see Christen look quickly over to everyone before she shuffled out of the way. She was aware of everyone else’s reactions and still only one mattered: Ali’s eyes softened as did the smile on her face, watching with rapt attention when Ashlyn’s knee nestled onto the ground, the other foot planted in front.

     “Baby,” Ali breathed, reaching out and taking Ashlyn’s outstretched hand. “What are you doing?”

     “Ali,” Ashlyn whispered, barely loud enough to hear. “I had all of these things planned and all of these words I wanted to say but fuck …” She shook her head in wonderment. “They’re useless baby, all of it. You’re here and that’s all that matters. I don’t want plans and a production and a show … Baby, marry me. Let’s get married. I love you so much and I want you in my life always. I want to live my life always being this enamored by you. I want to always –“

     She stopped as Ali held up a hand, her heart falling from her throat down to the floor. She heard someone gasp behind her, a hushed “oh shit” and then nothing else registered as Ali started to pull her up. “Ash, baby – stand up.”

     Ashlyn stood on strong feet, telling herself over and over that maybe it wasn’t as she feared. She looked Ali in the eyes, searching her warm brown irises for anything resembling hope or acceptance, anything that would keep her from falling apart. She was willing to give any last bit of optimism a chance and it was dashed when she first saw the tears glistening in Ali’s eyes.

     It was strange, the way it felt like her body detached from her mind. Everything had happened so quickly; Julia showing up and Kelley straightening her bow tie and Ali looked so beautiful. Ashlyn’s knee groaned from where it’d been pressed against the hard granite of the rooftop and it was overtaken by the hopeless screaming in her chest. _She’s saying no_ , her brain started repeating over and over until it was the only relevant thought in her head.

     “Ali …?” Ashlyn asked uselessly, needing to punish herself, needing to hear it word for word so she knew she had nothing left to hold onto.

     “I’m sorry,” came the whispered reply and everything broke into pieces.

     Ashlyn was silent, aware of the piercing silence save for the rumblings of the active restaurant below them; the band was silent, as were Allie, Julia and Christen. The seven others on the rooftop were the only people present for Ashlyn’s immediate demise and she was grateful the number was so small. She stood rooted in place, feeling Ali’s hands clench against her own.

     “Right,” Ashlyn said once, blinking hard as she focused hard on the shimmering diamond resting on Ali’s chest. “Right.”

     And she was gone; Ashlyn marched her way across the rooftop and out the door, listening to it bang against the wall as she threw it open with too much force. She didn’t want to hear any of it, didn’t want to hear the buzzing behind her as her friends approached with concern. “Don’t fucking follow me,” she spit, listening to the door close behind her.

     Down the hall, her footsteps clacking against the linoleum as she approached the elevator. Her brain flashed a memory as she pressed the button: the first view of Ali as she faced her in the elevator at Stearns; the way she’d looked, the way she’d smiled. Ashlyn’s stomach flipped uncomfortably, painfully and she jabbed the button again.

     “Come on, you piece of shit,” she growled, listening to the footsteps behind her grow closer.

     The ding of the car came and went and Ashlyn got on quickly, trying to escape. She couldn’t face any of them, couldn’t face any of them. Ali had denied her in front of everyone, everyone who mattered. What did it mean? What would she say? Did Ashlyn even have anything to say in response?

     The doors began to creak close against the oncoming footsteps and for a second, Ashlyn thought she would be able to get away in peace until she saw a high heeled foot hold the doors. Bile rose in her throat and she was terrified of facing Ali again until she realized the leg in question belonged to someone else.

     Allie was inside in a second, arms opening and closing around Ashlyn before she had a chance to speak. “I love you,” Allie said quietly, allowing Ashlyn to press her face into the crook of her neck. “You’re okay.”

     “Fuck,” Ashlyn breathed, clutching her fists against Allie’s back. She held on as tightly as she could, pulling her best friend to her to squash out the screaming inside of her chest and head. “Did that just happen?”

     An infinitesimal nod; it was all she needed before the tears came, the howling in her chest ripping free as the elevator began to drop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are empty words about being busy and appreciating all of you who have returned to read, but the sentiment is very real and I wish I could bake cookies for each of you! (Or like a giant cake we can all eat together whilst y'all roast me about taking forever between chapters.)
> 
> Special thanks to the goober who should've probably gone to class more. (But I'm glad you didn't cause thanks for the joke.)


	21. remember when you hit the brakes too soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the proposal & denial.

     By the time Christen pulled up in front of Pizarro’s, Ali was only barely concealing her exasperation. She’d dutifully played along, seeing the excitement on both of her friends’ faces, and stopped trying to figure out precisely what it was they were hiding.

     Ali knew that most likely her girlfriend was involved; Ashlyn had been squirrelly on their last handful of phone calls and had been cagey when pressed for details of her weekend plans.  If she was honest, she’d gone through each of the possibilities and still didn’t think she had a concrete idea: no birthdays, it was already past February, no big month anniversary …

     “Guys,” Ali started, stopping short before they walked through the front door. “What’s going on?”

     “Uhhh, dinner for the team?” Julia said uncertainly, looking over at Christen who rolled her eyes.

     “Very subtle,” she grumbled, trying to link her arm around Ali’s again to tug her along but Ali resisted.

     “I stopped believing that two hours ago when your story changed,” she said, eyebrow arched.

     “Just … keep an open mind, okay?” Christen implored, tugging uselessly on Ali’s hand. When she stayed rooted firmly in place, Christen jerked her head back towards Julia who proceeded inside.

     “What are you being so weird for?” Ali asked, giving Christen a look. “What is this?”

     Christen sighed, chewing on the corner of her lip. “You’re happy right?”

     Hearing the unexpected question, Ali let out a curl of laughter. “Am I happy? Yeah, I’d say I’m pretty happy. Why?”

     There was a strange echo in her words that later she would realize she heard but chose not to pay attention to, instead focusing on Christen’s tight smile. “Let’s go, Kriegy.”

     As Christen opened the door, Ali felt a weird twinge in her chest and though she was unable to place its origin, she felt the effect as they crossed through the busy restaurant. Happy couples and families chattered away, the scent of delicious Italian food wafting around the room. Ali craned her neck around, hoping to soon spot their table where inevitably Ashlyn would be seated but when she clocked the very last table in the back, she frowned.

     “Where are we going?” she asked Christen close to her ear.

     Christen stayed silent, only directing her to the right down a hallway towards the kitchen and bathrooms. There was an elevator bay at the end as well as a door indicating rooftop access. Ali grinned over at Christen and if she strained her ears, she could hear Julia’s footsteps clambering upwards ahead of them. Her teammate held the door open, giving her a small thumbs up with an additional jerk of her head.

     It was a short trip, giving Ali scant moments to finalize her expectations on what she was about to see. Her heels scuffed against the wooden stairs and she clung to the railing, realizing that her nervousness was influencing her ability to stay balanced. On and on they went, Ali feeling an increase in her breathing and wasn’t convinced it was due to the stairs; she would be grateful to finally find out what Ashlyn was hiding up her sleeve.

     She pressed against the bar on the metal door, eyes immediately going wide. She’d been to the restaurant many times in her two and a half years at college but she’d never seen the rooftop area, which was typically reserved for special occasions. There were softly glowing lights strung along the lattice, vines from years growing plants placed in potters around each pillar; the background lights of the rest of the town receded away into where Ali knew the outlines and shadows of the mountain range came into view during the day.

     All of this came second to the setup of people waiting for them on the roof. Kelley and the rest of the band were off to one side, the guys picking up their instruments as soon as they saw her and beginning a slow, soft melody, all of them smiling widely. There was a long table set up with plates, glasses, and cutlery, along with long stemmed candles spread along at even intervals. A few bottles of wine sat off to the side, opened and inviting.

     Julia was turning in place off to the side, Ashlyn’s best friend Allie crossing over to join her by the end of the table. They both smiled at her before looking at each other and then down towards the center of the space, the last place Ali focused on because she knew it would take away from everything else.

     Sure enough, Ashlyn was stood in her navy-blue suit and adorned with a deep red bow tie that Ali had before described as her favorite. Her hair was long and straight around her face and for a brief moment, Ali thought back to their first trip to Denver and the way she’d enjoyed shedding each layer of clothing from her that night. She could see the apprehension on Ashlyn’s face from across the roof but as Ali made her way over, it melted away into adoration.

     “Baby, what is this?” Ali asked as she drew nearer, conscious of Christen walking at her elbow. She grinned as she looked around again, taking in the preparations.

     Still, her mind circled around and if she’d been paying attention she would know it was drawing towards a conclusion. As she started to relax into the idea of a nice, planned dinner with friends, Ashlyn took away most of that neutrality. She watched her eyes narrow in decided confidence before she began to reach into her pants pocket. Ali opened her mouth in question before Ashlyn started to drop to the ground, planting one foot firmly on the ground in front of her opposite knee.

     Ali’s mouth went dry and it was as though her brain powered down. She had no thought in her head, no concept of time as she watched her girlfriend move in front of her. Ali was vaguely aware of Christen moving away, of voices around them; her eyes were centered on Ashlyn’s earnest face as she pulled out a small black box and held it tightly in her right hand before she started to speak.

     “Baby, what are you doing?” Ali whispered, reaching forward to take the hand being extended towards her. She urged her brain to catch back up, to wake up – the moment was coming and she had no idea how she felt about it.

     “Ali,” Ashlyn started, voice low and full of emotion, “I had all of these things planned and all of these words I wanted to say but …”

 _No_ – the word flashed bright red in the forefront of her mind as though Ali could see the words illuminated in front of her. She hadn’t realized she’d been able to think again, but as Ashlyn continued on about plans and a show, the one word kept going off in Ali’s immediate mind. _No, no, no_ , it said, _not now, not like this_.

     “Let’s get married,” Ashlyn said, “I love you so much and I want you in my life always.”

     Ali felt a crack in her heart; she knew what she was about to do, what she knew was right to do and she hated herself for it. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t it. She didn’t know precisely why it was the wrong thing but as sure as the sick, empty feeling in her stomach, she knew she would not be opening her mouth to say “yes”.

     “I want to live my life always being this enamored by you. I want to always –"

     Ali lifted a hand, unsure of what to say and only that she needed to not hear any more of Ashlyn’s heartfelt … Ali jumped over the word in her head, unwilling to accept what she was turning down, what it would mean.

     "Ash, baby – stand up.”

     Ali knew she was going to cry, could feel the tears building in her eyes already, but she knew she would have to get something out before she fell apart. She was aware of the watchful eyes of all their friends, heard the music taper off one instrument at a time as everyone started to understand what was happening.

     From the corner of her eyes, she saw Allie’s gaze narrow, saw the slightest shake of her head. She’d known her for a little over three days after their initial meet during lunch between classes and she tried to convince herself that worrying about the fracture of a potential friendship was not more important than …

     Ashlyn already knew, Ali could see it in her face. Her confidence had given away to a fearful apprehension, her eyebrows knitting together in concern. The black box had been forgotten; it dangled precariously between Ashlyn’s slackened fingers resting idly at her side. Ali clutched onto the hand keeping them tethered, wishing to commit the feel to memory just in case it was the last time.

     “Ali?” Ashlyn’s voice trailed off, breaking at the end in the question.

     Ali’s heart cracked further; it wasn’t fair, nothing was fair. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way. It wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t what she wanted but neither was … She took a deep breath and tried to sound strong but her words came out in a hopeless whisper – “I’m sorry.”

     Everything after that moment happened in the briefest flashes of movement. Ashlyn turned on her heel and walked back towards the rooftop door, demanding to be left alone. Allie brushed past, not bothering to let her eyes linger as she took off after her best friend. The guys turned to one another to speak in low tones save for Kelley who looked back and forth between the door and where Christen and Julia were reaching for either of Ali’s hands.

     “What do you need?” Christen asked in a low tone, taking hold of Ali’s wrist and placing another hand on her shoulder.

     “Ashlyn …” Ali started, her voice quiet and strangled around the thickness in her throat. “I just … in front of all of you. I can’t believe I …”

     “Hey, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Julia said, but her voice was full of misgivings.

     Ali felt the two of them having a silent conversation across her but she couldn’t care. The rooftop door slammed shut as Allie ran through it, calling Ashlyn’s name. She watched as Kelley still stood in frozen indecision, their eyes meeting and still she didn’t feel anything but a numb confusion.

     She’d made the right choice, at least she hoped that she did. Her head tried to calculate the time since they’d first met, since they’d first kissed in the darkened streets as they walked around after the party. She heard the first time Ashlyn had said she loved her, remembered the feeling of the hotel hallway against her back as the blonde tried her hardest to relay what she felt: _you know it right? You have to already have known._

     What did she know now? She knew that something had fractured along a fault line but the Richter scale had yet to let her know just how much damage was to be expected. She ached to run after her, to be held as she worked it all out in her head and chastised herself for the selfish thought. _You just broke her fucking heart_ , Ali thought. _You don’t get to have her pick up the pieces of yours._

     “I’m sorry,” Ali whispered aloud, wishing she could be heard by the one person who needed it most. “I’m so sorry.”

     “Babe,” Christen said, shaking her arm gently to bring her focus in. “It’s about what you want too. If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready.”

     Ali turned to look her in the eye, tears beginning to fall as she blinked hard. “But I’m not ready to lose her either. Can you promise me I didn’t just lose everything?”

     A cool jet of wind whistled through the space as her question expanded out around them, the only other sound the creaking door as Kelley made her decision.

* * *

     “Cut, cut!” Ricky said, throwing his hands up as he turned to face the band. “Fucking cut!”

     Ashlyn groaned in frustration, running an irritated hand through her hair as the front man ran a hand over his face. “Ashlyn …” he started, but was cut off.

     “I know,” she said tersely, looking down as he went to meet her eyes, instead choosing to watch her hand fiddle with one of the knobs. “I’m off. I’m sorry.”

     Ricky sighed and Ashlyn would give anything to not wonder how much of it was out of annoyance and how much of it was out of pity. He looked back towards the rest of the band and she tried her hardest to focus instead on the reverb from the speakers each time she plucked a string. It’d been an hour of this so far; someone would look or sigh or cough and Ashlyn would tell herself in vain that it had nothing to do with the fact that three days ago, each of them had seen the worst moment of her life.

     “You guys wanna call it?” Jason asked, looking around to each of them in turn and lingering on Ricky’s face.

     “Probably a good idea,” Rory said, reaching forward to unplug the speaker for his amp. “I’ve got finals to start studying for anyway.”

     “Since when do you study?” Ashlyn asked in hollow amusement, still focusing on her cords as she began to break down her stuff.

     There was polite laughter in the place where there would previously have been the start of a roasting and Ashlyn exhaled in disappointment. She turned her back to the rest of them, purposefully making louder than necessary noises to ignore the deafening silence as they were undoubtedly giving each other looks and deciding who was up for breaking the ice.

     “Ashlyn …” Jason started but she cut him off by standing up suddenly and whipping around with her guitar bag.

     “Yeah, good idea. I’ve got to get some things together anyway. I’m gonna head out, sorry I can’t stay for breakdown. Next time, okay? Bye.”

     And she was gone, hopping down from the stage and heading as quickly as she could towards the doors. Her footsteps rattled heavily across the floor, the only sound save for an insistent whispering that began as she made it halfway across the room. She weaved through the empty tables, barely avoiding breaking into an all-out sprint in her desire to be away from them.

     She pushed the heavy door open and walked out into the overcast sunlight, shielding her eyes while heading towards her truck where it sat in the parking lot, conspicuously far from her bandmates’ vehicles. It was rather farther than she was used to which had been a good idea at the start but Ashlyn felt it’d been a mistake when she realized it gave Kelley time to sprint up behind her.

     “Ash! Wait up!” Kelley called out, her Doc Martens thudding against the pavement as she approached.

     “Sorry,” Ashlyn called, barely over her shoulder. “I’ve got a thing. I don’t have time.”

     “Oh come on,” she said, huffing and puffing. “I don’t believe that shit for a second.”

     “That’s not my problem,” Ashlyn grumbled, reaching to fish her keys out of her pocket. Just as she began to pull them out, she felt Kelley’s hand on her forearm.

     “Dude, you have to talk to me,” she said, her voice starting out determined but giving way to a slight whine.

     Ashlyn turned to half face her, unable to linger long on their direct eye contact. “I’ve got to go, Kel. It’s fine.”

     “It’s not fine,” Kelley pressed, placing herself in front of Ashlyn’s door when the latter tried to proceed with unlocking it. “You’re not fine.”

     “Go away,” Ashlyn said quietly, stepping back and looking to where she began to scuff the tips of her toes against the concrete.

     “What did I do?” Kelley asked, tilting her head to motivate eye contact. “Come on, please just let me know what I did.”

     “You didn’t do anything,” Ashlyn huffed, reaching up to readjust her guitar bag on her shoulder as she begrudgingly met her gaze. She tried to speak again, tried to find the words and failed. Instead, she shrugged half heartedly, shaking her head as she looked back down to the small rocks being scattered by her shoes.

     In truth, she didn’t know exactly what she wanted from Kelley at that moment. It’d been a long three days in and of itself, trying to break herself of the habits she’d formed in calling Ali first thing in the morning, talking all day long, and calling before bed before they went to sleep should they not be spending the night together. She didn’t realize just how many times a day she’d talked to her …

 _Is she still my girlfriend?_ Ashlyn wondered to herself, thinking to the fact that she’d blocked her number shortly after she’d climbed into her truck, Allie closing the door and crossing over to the driver’s seat herself. It felt silly, felt childish even but she knew she couldn’t stand the idea of another night like when she’d found out about Germany. She didn’t want to agonize over whether any word would come, didn’t want to think about Ali’s sweetness or her anger when Ashlyn would avoid speaking to her.

     It’d been long enough and had been extended still by the fact that she wasn’t sure how many words she’d said since she left the rooftop. On one hand, she wished to talk it all out to one of her best friends, to be held and cuddled close as she cried and feel like perhaps the gaping hole in her chest wouldn’t continue to expand. On the other, she could remember the way Kelley had looked at her as she stood on the curb, watching as Allie buckled the seatbelt around her and they drove away; the fucking pity.

     “It’s nothing,” Ashlyn said quietly, shaking her head. “You didn’t do anything.”

     Kelley took a deep breath and exhaled in a huff before reaching out to grab Ashlyn’s shoulders. “Are you freezing Allie out too? Or just us?”

     Ashlyn looked up quickly and felt tied to Kelley’s sincere brown eyes. She knew it was time to look away, time to deflect but she couldn’t. She shook her head again, feeling her eyes beginning to fill with tears against her wishes. “Just can’t deal,” she said, her voice breaking midway through. “You all were there and you saw it, you know? It’s fucking awful enough as it is and yet every time I look at one of you, I see it staring right back at me.”

     Kelley shifted the guitar bag around to be able to wrap her arms around Ashlyn, pressing their chests together tightly as her arms snaked around the tops of her shoulders. She held them together, refusing to comment on the way Ashlyn began to softly shake and shudder, ignoring her crying and the way she began to grasp fistfuls of Kelley’s t-shirt. They swayed together for a few moments in the parking lot, Kelley breathing as softly as she could as Ashlyn tried her best to not sob out loud.

     Ashlyn allowed herself to relax into her best friend, realized that after three days of hanging on to everything by herself that it’d been a wall begging to come down. She felt every minute she’d spent wrapping up the ache and disappointment melting away as she cried into Kelley’s shoulder, forgetting even that she was in plain view of the entire parking lot should the rest of the guys decide to come out to their cars. All that mattered was that for the second, she wasn’t alone.

     Eventually, what had started out as a desperate desire to release everything pent up over the last few days gave way to the same desire to protect herself as she’d always had. She sniffed twice, trying her best to pull away inconspicuously while wiping her eyes. She chuckled softly, wiping her sleeve under her nose before quirking her lip at Kelley who was just looking back at her calmly.

     “Ridiculous huh?” Ashlyn asked, voice thick with tears.

     Kelley just shook her head and nudged Ashlyn until they started walking further along the sidewalk, heading away from Billy’s. “Don’t even think about it, dude,” she said, sighing and looking over at Ashlyn for a moment before starting the heavy lifting. “Have you talked to Ali yet?”

     “Why would I do that?” Ashlyn asked, putting effort into inserting venom in her voice to cloud over the despair. “She doesn’t want to hear from me.”

     “That’s not true,” Kelley said softly. “She’s really worried about you. She was when I saw her, at least.”

     Ashlyn cut her eyes over quickly, shifting her guitar bag on her shoulder for a distraction. “When did you see her? _Why_ did you see her?” She tried to ignore the childish jealousy she felt, as though her best friend had chosen another in a playground war.

     “Uh … I went to Pi Beta Phi yesterday … Uhm, anyway.” Ashlyn was vaguely interested in Kelley’s avoidance, wondering how far she would get if she would dig a little deeper. The blush in the drummer’s cheeks spoke volumes, and Ashlyn realized that if her assumptions were correct, she wasn’t interested in finding out just yet.

     Ashlyn sighed, focusing on the previous line of their conversation. “What the fuck is left though?” she asked.

     Kelley walked along in silence, allowing Ashlyn to chew through most of her thought process alone. Ashlyn was infinitely grateful; it was as though Kelley understood inherently what she needed to work through, an invaluable person to know and have around. Still, the softness of her realization clashed heavily with the thoughts of Ali beginning to swirl through her head, particularly when combined with the vulnerability she felt over crying.

     “I think it’s time to go,” Ashlyn said quietly, kicking at a small rock on the sidewalk and watching it skitter away into the street.

     “Go?” Kelley asked, looking over at her. “Road trip?”

     Ashlyn just shook her head, listening to her thoughts come out half formed as she explained them. “Florida, maybe. Or California.” She saw Kelley’s eyes go wide and she continued unasked. “I’ve been thinking it for a while, pretty shortly after my interview blew up in my face. I don’t think this shit is for me, being in college at least. I mean, I get why some people go but I’m here for art.”

     Unspoken, the two of them turned around at the far edge of Billy’s parking lot and started meandering back towards their vehicles. “I think I’ve learned from here what I’m going to get out of it, dude. I think it’s time to get off my ass and stop waiting for professors to explain to me what I know about art and just go do it. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fit myself into a shape that I’m not. Now I just gotta go do it.”

     “When?” Kelley asked.

     Ashlyn shrugged again, sighing and starting to fidget with the strap of her guitar bag again. If she was honest, she was ready to pack up her truck as soon as she got back to her dorm room. It was as though the pondering of the decision had taken the longest time and now that she felt that she knew for sure what the choice was, the execution required immediacy.

     “Soon,” she said, not wanting to frighten her friend with any talk that could be construed as irrational. “I think it’s a good thing that the semester is winding down pretty quickly. Three years is a good run.”

     Kelley nodded slowly, unsure of what to say, of which part she most wanted to capitalize on. She didn’t know if it was about school or if Ashlyn was truly just trying to avoid what to do with Ali. “Well,” she said, considering her words carefully, “maybe that’s for the best.”

     Ashlyn nodded sagely before Kelley continued. “But you need to talk to Ali first because you know it can’t end that way.”

     When she whipped her head around to argue, the honest look on Kelley’s face made her reconsider, made her think about what was right. And although her pride told her that she could make it forever without ever seeing the brunette again, the hopeful pang in her chest at the thought couldn’t be overridden.

* * *

     It was her anxiety that caused Ali to start scrolling through her phone as she walked up the front steps at Stearns, sliding through her different options until she landed on Christen’s name. She listened to the ringing as she scanned her student ID, mechanically going through the motions so as to avoid the quaking fear right beneath the surface as she crossed over to the elevator bay.

     “Hello?” Christen answered, bright and cheery.

     “It’s me,” Ali said shortly, reaching forward and pressing the ‘up’ button. “Please convince me not to turn around and leave.”

     Christen gave her an exaggerated sigh. “For the ninety-ninth time, don’t leave,” she said. “It’s been an actual week. She’s not showing any signs of breaking first and what did we agree on earlier?”

     Ali rolled her eyes while she stepped into the elevator. “’Some things should be said in person’,” she repeated dully, selecting the top floor and leaning back against the wall. “But really, is that true?”

     “It is!” Christen insisted. “You telling her that you still love her is going to be much more effective while you’re looking at her than if you just sent her messages over and over. Plus, we both know you like to get a little passive aggressive when you’re not being answered.”

     “Patience is not a virtue I possess,” Ali grumbled. “And besides, was it more effective when I turned her down in person than if I had over text? I’m pretty sure everyone on that roof wishes it’d just been over text.”

     “Well, technically speaking hearing it face to face _was_ more effective, just not particularly pleasant.”

     “Seriously?”

     “Sorry,” Christen murmured hastily. “I’m just trying to reiterate that you’re absolutely doing the right thing. You need to go talk to her. Last I spoke with Kelley, she said she had your number blocked anyway.”

     Ali barely suppressed her growl, catching the sideways look from two other girls who were riding up to the ninth floor. “That’s so fucking ridiculous,” she said in hushed annoyance. “Is she in high school?”

     “Okay, not helpful,” Christen sing-songed. “You’re supposed to like her when you get up there.”

     “I fucking love her,” Ali hissed. “That’s the fucking problem.”

     “I think that’s the opposite of a problem,” Christen replied. “But look, bottom line is that you’re going up there and you’re going to talk to her and you know what babe?”

     “What?” Ali asked, stomach dropping as they passed the fourteenth floor.

     “You’re gonna know you did everything you could,” Christen said softly. “I’m not gonna tell you this is guaranteed to work, but it’s going to make a difference if you know you tried.”

     Ali held the phone to her ear as the doors slid open and she contemplated riding back down until they started to close. She stuck her foot out to reverse their motion, taking a deep breath before walking out and down the hallway towards the triple she’d spent so much time in over the last six months.  “I know. You’re right, of course you’re right.”

     “Don’t you ever forget it,” Christen said. “You there yet?”

     “Yeah,” Ali breathed, looking down the hall towards the door. “I gotta go.”

     “You’re going to do great. If everything goes well, remind Ashlyn she’d said a few weeks ago that she’d get the band to play at the party next weekend okay?”

     “Selfless to a T,” Ali said with a grin. “Bye.”

     As Ali took the last steps, coming to a stop in front of Ashlyn’s door, she realized that she really didn’t have much of a plan. She’d been talking to Christen and Julia for days about this, wondering what she’d say and when she’d have an opportunity to say it. Finally, Christen had enough and planted the idea in her head that she’d have to take charge.

     With a wry smile, she realized that it’d been that way so far in their relationship. It’d always been Ali being forward: telling Ashlyn she had been flirting with her, telling her she didn’t want to be friends, making her dance that night at the party … Ashlyn had always responded to the way Ali aimed for exactly what she wanted. As she raised her hand to knock, she prayed it was still true.

     There was a mix of muffled speaking and clattering movements behind the door; Ali took a half step back and waited, unsure of exactly who she would meet as it didn’t seem as though Ashlyn was alone. _Maybe she’s not even here_ , she thought to herself. She wasn’t sure how much Alyssa or Nicole knew in regards to their week, didn’t know how she’d explain why she didn’t know exactly where to find her girlfriend.

     However, when the door opened, she realized she hadn’t needed to form an excuse. “Hey Kel – can I speak to Ashlyn?”

     “Uh,” Kelley said, looking over her shoulder quickly. “Whatcha doin here Ali?”

     Ali gave her a pointed look. “Ashlyn, please?”

     “She’s not here,” Kelley said uncertainly, quirking her cheek. “Sorry.”

     “Oh yeah?” Ali asked, raising an eyebrow. “Then why are you here?”

     “I’m uh,” Kelley casted for a word. “I’m friends with Alyssa too, you know.”

     “Oh, excellent. Can I talk with Alyssa?”

     “She’s not here, she – shit.”

     “Real fucking clever, Kelley.” Ashlyn’s voice came from inside the room and Kelley just closed her eyes with a sigh, stepping aside to allow Ali in.

     Ashlyn was sitting at the head of her bed, knees drawn to her chest. She leaned her head back against the wall as Ali crossed towards her desk, placing her purse down. “What are you doing here?” she asked, and Ali was happy to hear there was less bite than resignation in her tone.

     “I’m gonna … Yeah,” Kelley said, walking backwards out of the door and smiling nervously as she left.

     As the door closed, the silence grew in volume. Ashlyn was determined to stare at the ceiling and Ali tried her best to wait patiently, hands crossed over her lap as she leaned back against Ashlyn’s desk. She wanted to wait, wanted to give her time even though she’d shown up unceremoniously. _Well, not like I could’ve announced myself anyway_ , Ali thought, remembering she’d been blocked. As a flare of frustration went through her, she realized it wasn’t a helpful line to consider and instead concentrated on waiting peacefully.

     It was so silent that Ali could pick up the ticking of Ashlyn’s wristwatch laying haphazardly next to her wallet and keys, and she counted one hundred and twenty ticks before she couldn’t handle it anymore. Besides, she’d resolved herself to the understanding that Ashlyn liked it when she was forceful, right?

     “You’re going to talk to me,” Ali said, voice cracking from her dry mouthed silence.

     Ashlyn sighed but still didn’t look away from the ceiling. “I’ve tried talking with you,” she said. “I thought we were on the same page.”

     Ali huffed. “Why is it always all or nothing with you?”

     That did it. Ashlyn looked down, her face in a set mask. “I’m sorry? You turn me down and now you’re pissed?”

     Ali opened her mouth to speak but Ashlyn was moving, climbing up onto her knees and edging towards the end, towards Ali. “You said it! You said it was for us and to grow! You said you wanted us to be the fucking best for each other.”

     Through the embarrassed fury leaking through Ashlyn’s impassioned words, Ali heard just how heartbroken she was. Her own heart thudded painfully in her chest, Ashlyn’s anger crashing against her defenses. “Tell me you didn’t just propose because I’m going to Germany,” she said quietly, softening her eyes as she considered Ashlyn’s.

     Ashlyn opened her mouth and immediately closed it again, eyebrows knitting together as she worked for a response. Ali relaxed her shoulders as best she could, readying herself for any answer that could come her way. She knew it was a dangerous game to play, questioning her motives, but she knew just how many minutes she had to get her point across before Ashlyn’s anger could threaten to shut her down completely.

     Still, the watch on the desk ticked away and there was nothing. Eventually, Ashlyn’s eyes fell to the floor, and her body sank back onto her heels. She twisted her hands in her lap, opening them to look at her palms as though the answers were hidden in her lifelines.

     “Baby,” Ali started, wincing when Ashlyn bristled at the word, “I love you. I’m not telling you that this isn’t going to happen, but you’ve got to start letting me in on these giant leaps you’re making.”

     “Or maybe we’re just going in different directions,” Ashlyn said petulantly, still looking at her fingers.

     “Only if you want us to,” Ali said, taking a step towards the bed. As Ashlyn flinched a little, she kept her hands from reaching out. She waited, hoping her silence would draw more out.

     “Where was this attitude when I proposed?” Ashlyn asked quietly, placing her hands on her lap but still not looking up.

     Ali sighed quietly, taking another step forward as she spoke. “Waiting for you to see that _I’m not there yet_ ,” she said.

     “What about what I need?” Ashlyn exploded, pulling her hands back as Ali started to reach out. “What about checking in with me once in a while?”

     Ali couldn’t keep herself from bringing her hands to her face, rubbing through her exasperation. “You were shut down, baby! You hadn’t filled me in! How was I supposed to know? I thought we were in one place and then … How was I supposed to follow?”

     “Says the person leaving the country for six months,” Ashlyn spit, looking Ali directly in the eyes.

     It was all there on her face, Ali thought as she looked at her girlfriend’s features. The anguish, the disappointment, all the fear that she’d gone through after her failed interview and Ali realized how much of it was tied into the same things. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being unequal.

     Ali broke first; she hadn’t realized she was on the verge of crying until she felt the first two tears roll down her face. She sucked in a quick breath, not wanting to influence Ashlyn this way, not wanting her to see the pain Ali had kept in over the week. Despite her frustrations, Ali knew how much she’d hurt Ashlyn and even though she knew she was being honest, every instinct in her body was to protect Ashlyn’s heart and mind.

     It appeared as the opposite was true. Immediately, Ashlyn’s brow furrowed and she was climbing down off of her bed, her arms opening to bring Ali into them. They stood together, swaying slightly as Ali cried into Ashlyn’s shoulder and Ashlyn in turn cried into Ali’s hair. The intense relief they both felt at being reconnected was only overcome with the fear of where they were going  when Ashlyn took a step back, reaching to tilt Ali’s face up to hers.

     “Babe, where are we going?” she asked quietly, licking her lips as she looked at Ashlyn’s. “I’m in this,” she said, emphasizing the last word. “I’m here but can you overcome this?”

     Ashlyn was silent, chewing on her response and as each minute went by, Ali tried to block out the ticking of that fucking watch. Finally, she shrugged, tears filling her eyes again. “Baby, I couldn’t leave if I tried.”

     It was all Ali needed; she crashed forward into her, kissing her deeply until she couldn’t breathe anymore. It occurred to her in a second that perhaps it was a little manipulative, a little heavy handed but as her heart warmed after a week of feeling as though it were wrapped in a vice, she realized she didn’t care. It was even better when Ashlyn responded, wrapping her hands in Ali’s t-shirt and pulling her so tightly that Ali gasped at the friction.

     They came down slowly, having moved to lean against Ashlyn’s bed. Ashlyn placed soft, quiet kisses along Ali’s hairline, Ali doing the same along Ashlyn’s jaw. Their hands moved slowly but purposefully, along each other’s backs and arms and shoulders, relishing in the feel that both had been afraid would never come again.

     Finally, Ali looked up at her with sincerity, framing her face with her hands. “Then we have to stay on the same page. We have to support each other without fail.”

     However, as Ashlyn cast her eyes around the room, Ali had the sensation of missing a step while going down the stairs. Hadn’t she just kissed her back? Hadn’t she held her just as tightly? _I couldn’t leave if I tried_ ; the words flowed through Ali’s head but with the look on her face, she wondered if it were true.

     “Babe?” she asked tentatively, her hands resting on Ashlyn’s hips.

     “I’m in it if you’re in it,” Ashlyn replied simply, but the small smile she gave didn’t reach her eyes.

      _It’ll do for now_ , Ali thought, laying her head against Ashlyn’s chest and convincing herself to believe that line as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting into the good stuff -- stick around. I promise it'll all be worth it.


	22. just one more way of keeping you inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn contemplate coming changes in their relationship; Ali makes a grand gesture.

     “Just – maybe if you can – do you mind moving your arm a little to the side?”

     Ashlyn made a face but shifted nevertheless, raising her right arm above her head until her fingers knocked against the wall, allowing Ali the space to roll more onto her side until their foreheads were touching. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to focus again – Ashlyn’s hand between her legs, their combined labored breath, the taste of Carmex still lingering on her lips from what she believed to have been the briefest foreplay make out she’d ever experienced.

     She did her best to hide her frown and furrowed brow when she felt Ashlyn’s thumb stray from where she really wanted it to be, willing her deep sigh to come out slowly so as to not give away her frustration. _It’s fine_ , she thought, making up her mind, _try something else_. Ali opened her eyes and smiled, leaning forward to press their mouths together slowly, taking the time to get into it before sliding her hands up Ashlyn’s chest to palm her breasts over her t-shirt.

     At first, she felt Ashlyn’s response more than heard it; felt her teeth graze gently along her bottom lip before taking it into her mouth and sucking just enough for Ali to feel another pulse centered between her thighs. She grinned against her, keeping one hand where it was teasing what she could feel was a hardened nipple and raising the other up to curl around the side of her neck and into her hairline.

     Their bodies began to move against each other, Ali’s slow movements drawing out small stirs from Ashlyn’s hips until it felt like a rhythm was coming back. With a thought of reassurance, Ali took more charge. She twisted her body up and over until she hovered above Ashlyn, raising up on her knees to give the blonde room to continue moving her hand. Ali slid her cheek until it was nestled alongside Ashlyn’s, allowing her soft moans to travel directly into her ear.

     It only took fifteen seconds for Ali to hide another grimace in Ashlyn’s hair.

     “What’s up?” Ashlyn asked quietly.

     Ali shook her head slightly before speaking. “Nothing, it’s good,” she said.

     “Positive?” came the response, and Ali wasn’t sure if she should answer or not.

     Ali wagered against herself in her head how much longer it would take for Ashlyn to cotton on to the fact that she wasn’t anywhere near finishing, and although there was clear evidence of arousal, the mechanical movements were growing tiresome.

     She knew what she wanted to do, but as soon as the thought formed in her head she felt guilty. _I’ve never done that_ , she admonished herself, wishing she’d never had the idea in the first place. It was something joked about, something that indicated something was terribly, terribly wrong. _People only fake it when they just want to get it over with, right?_

     But she _did_ want to get it over with; she could sense Ashlyn’s preoccupation but with what, she wasn’t sure. She also tabulated the laundry list in her head of things she needed to accomplish for the weekend, the last one before finals would overtake everything else. It wasn’t necessarily that she didn’t wish to be having sex with her girlfriend but rather that she needed to … speed it up.

     “Fuck baby,” she heard herself say breathily, leaning down to kiss Ashlyn again. “Right there.”

     Ashlyn smiled underneath her, causing shame to run over her skin in a steady pulse. As checked out as Ali had perceived her to be, the stark dimple in her left cheek said otherwise. “You wanna come for me?” she asked, and Ali could only nod as she didn’t trust her voice.

     It was too late; as indecisive as she’d been, she’d made her choice. She heard herself start to echo what she knew to be the tale tell signs of her impending orgasm, hating each raise in octave as she began to repeat her girlfriend’s name. “Yes,” she sighed, leaning her head down to the bed again so Ashlyn couldn’t see her frowning. “Just like that.”

     It only took half a minute for Ali to “finish”, making sure to clench her thighs and jerk her hips in what she hoped was a convincing display of passion. She felt horribly guilty for the lie and it was made even worse as Ashlyn took her into her arms, kissing her forehead lightly while she ran her fingernails over her back.

     “I’ve got you,” she said soothingly, and Ali bit her cheek to keep from confessing.

     She rolled to her side, wrapping her foot around Ashlyn’s calf as she pulled her close with her arms thrown over her shoulders. They began to kiss again, Ali putting every ounce of enthusiasm into it in place of her immediate regret and remorse at her actions. Though it was a simple act that hadn’t taken but thirty seconds, the implication was heavy on her heart and unlikely to fade quickly.

     “So, did you like it?” Ashlyn asked, and Ali wondered if she was being punished.

     “Mhmm,” she nodded with a slow exhale. “I did. Did you?”

     Ashlyn’s smile didn’t reach her eyes and she ducked them to place a kiss on the side of Ali’s bicep. She echoed a nod of her own, however and said, “Yeah, absolutely.”

     Unable to bear looking directly at her, Ali rolled onto her back, bringing Ashlyn’s arm over her chest as she looked up at the ceiling. She allowed her thoughts to drift as they settled, aimlessly tracing patterns against Ashlyn’s exposed forearm and bicep. When she finally looked down, she started focusing on the lines of the tattoos she had up and down her left arm, the work-in-progress sleeve that she was planning on finishing post-graduation.

     “Did this hurt?” Ali asked quietly, running her index finger into the crook of her elbow.

     Ashlyn shrugged softly. “You have one – did it hurt?”

     Absently, Ali reached down to run a hand over her bare hip, knowing without looking that she was tracing over the logo in black ink. She stayed focused on Ashlyn’s markings while giving a half-hearted shrug of her own. “Are you gonna get more?”

     This time a nod from the blonde. “Probably. I want to finish this sleeve down to my hand, and I think I’m going to have a full sleeve on the right too. The ones over my collarbones hurt like a bitch so I’m not really racing to have more there. Maybe on my legs, I don’t know.”

     “You know what you should get?” Ali asked with a mischievous grin at her.

     Ashlyn gave her a wry smile. “What’s that Princess?”

     “My face!” she said triumphantly while pushing up Ashlyn’s sleeve. “Right here,” and she indicated a circle on the side of her bicep.

     “Oh yeah, great idea,” Ashlyn scoffed, shaking her head. “A couple tattoo is like a fucking kiss of death. We might as well break up right now.”

     The room went silent; Ali didn’t realize she was holding her breath until Ashlyn coughed uncomfortably to clear her throat and when she exhaled, her lips vibrated in a raspberry. She kept from looking at Ashlyn until the blonde sat up, awkwardly running a hand through her hair.

     “So, I’m not trying to like rush you out of here or anything but …”

     “Yeah,” Ali said, swinging her legs to the side of the bed as she sat up herself. “I have a ton of things to do before I get back home tonight. I’ll need to have everything prepared before the weekend study-thon starts at eight.”

     Ashlyn lowered herself from the bed before reaching down to start putting her jeans back on. “Oh right. Are you really going to shut yourself away all weekend?”

     Ali nodded, adjusting her running tights until they were back in place and shifting her legs against the drying slickness. “I am, I’m sorry. I just want to make sure I’m ready for Monday’s final and I have to get a few things in place before I turn in my portfolio for Andrew’s class. Wouldn’t you appreciate me more if I graduated at the top of my program?”

     “I do recall being bailed on for honors tassels before,” Ashlyn remarked, giving Ali a smirk. “I suppose a repeat is in order.”

     They crossed to each other, meeting in an embrace that lingered a little longer than typical. Unbeknownst to the other, they both wore concerned expressions as they held on, equally uneasy.

     “Talk to you later?” Ashlyn asked quietly, placing a kiss in Ali’s hair above her ear.

     “Yeah, later,” Ali replied, kissing Ashlyn’s shoulder.

     Ali left the room shortly after, stomach still in an uncomfortable knot.

* * *

     Ashlyn kicked her way through the junk pile sitting in the corner in Mac’s studio, bending down to examine different pieces more closely each time something caught her eye. Behind her, against the quiet thrum of trance music playing over laptop speakers, Ashlyn could make out the scribbling sound of different graphite pencils running over a thick stack of parchment paper. Every so often he would curse under his breath and the scratching would change to the thicker sound of his eraser.

     “So, when are you going to tell me about this infamous interview I’ve heard so much about?” Mac asked off-handedly, causing Ashlyn to wince.

     “Depends,” she said, toeing at a crumpled piece of sheet metal. “How much have you heard?”

     When she turned around, he wasn’t yet looking at her but raised a shoulder. “Desi, the guy at the front desk, said that it didn’t seem to have gone well. When I asked him if you were working there and he said no, I took the hint.”

     “Awesome,” Ashlyn grunted. “This is exactly what I wanted, for the staff there to tell everyone they know about the stupid college kid who went in late, unprepared, and utterly untalented.”

     “That isn’t it,” he said, laying down his pencil before eyeing her. “It was one person and I asked first. Did you forget I show there?” Off her non-committal head shake, he continued. “I already knew it hadn’t been successful, but I wanted to hear the whole thing from you. You’ve been avoiding me.”

     Ashlyn crossed to slump down in a beaten up old chair, one of the many melee pieces of furniture that had been collected for the rented space over the years. She shook her head again before running her hands over her face. “There’s not much to tell – I wrote down the time wrong which wasn’t good to begin with, but it didn’t matter when you added in the fact that my skill level wasn’t good enough.”

     “Is that what Trin told you?” Mac asked, leaning forward on his elbows atop his drawing desk. “That you weren’t good enough?”

     “Might as well have,” Ashlyn muttered before sighing. “No, it wasn’t that. She just said that I had a few years of growth to do.” She rolled her eyes to herself. “Okay, and she did tell me that she wanted me to look at their development program.”

     “That’s kind of a big deal,” Mac said, raising his eyebrows. “You know even applying to that is basically invitation only.”

     “I actually didn’t know that,” she said, looking down at her fingernails. “I just thought it was a brush off.”

     “Well, you would, kiddo,” he said, walking over to pull another old armchair towards her. “Ever since I’ve known you, I’ve known you were harder on yourself than any other person could be.”

     Ashlyn started digging under her nails, picking out the bits of grime to avoid looking up at him. As expected, the gap he left provoked another response. “I don’t _enjoy_ thinking I’m a piece of shit, you know,” she said, still looking down, “It’s just hard to correct my thinking after twenty-one years.”

     The worn, cracked leather of his armchair whooshed as he sat back, raising his hands together in front of him. “Did I tell you about the time I got into one of the most prestigious art galleries in Seattle and decided to go to opening night high as fuck and start running my mouth to every single one of the attendees who dared praise my work?”

     Ashlyn’s eyes went wide as she looked up to him. “No shit?”

     “No shit,” he said, nodding. “I was dating this guy who was super into the club drug scene up there – unfaithful as a motherfucker – and he wasn’t the type of guy to reassure you that your work was meaningful and important and so were you. Instead, he said something along the lines of ‘this shit will make you think you’re a fucking god’ and handed me a rolled up twenty.”

     “Obviously, that didn’t work,” she said in suspicion and Mac shook his head.

     “I was chased out of there and firmly told not to ever come back. I was blackballed from more than a few of the top galleries and it only took me a month and a half of binging on his living room floor until I packed up all of my shit and bailed.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, lingering on the memories swimming through his head. “I was … twenty-two.”

     “God, you were so young,” Ashlyn said.

     He nodded again, opening his eyes to look at her. “Young enough to think I knew fucking everything and old enough to be completely responsible for my actions. I thought my career was over for good, let me tell you.”

     Ashlyn let that sink in; _twenty-two and professionally showing_ , she thought, _but twenty-two and fucking up as well_. She looked over at him, eyebrows knitted in sympathy.

     He tilted his head as he eyed her. “You always have the chance to bounce back,” he said, “to write your own story. I was so worried that what those people saw from me would chase me forever and it didn’t. Someone took a chance, and then someone else. It was work; hard, humbling work but I did it. You haven’t even touched the level of fuck up that was, let me assure you. Just because one gallery owner doesn’t see it, doesn’t mean another won’t. It really doesn’t matter.”

     “But it does matter,” Ashlyn said vehemently. “I’m just a student – that’s what she does for a living. Of course she’d know better. If she thinks I can’t do it, I guarantee you that I can’t.”

     He batted her words impatiently. “Look, I don’t need to tell you this, but art is subjective. Some people are Monet fans, some are Jackson Pollack. What matters is that you make the art that’s meaningful to you and I guarantee you, it’ll capture someone’s attention.”

     Ashlyn chewed on that for a few moments, kicking her toes against the scuffed wooden floor. She allowed her mind to accept what he was saying, at minimum to take it in and consider the meaning. Maybe it wasn’t about what one person’s opinion was, but rather finding the right people to share with; the thought was as frightening as it was hopeful. She grimaced again, thinking of her plans for her education and wondering if the independent path she was planning on treading was the best option.

     “What’s on your mind kiddo?” he asked, drumming his fingers on the arm.

     She took a considering breath. “What if … you know, I dropped out?”

     Mac let her question hang in the air should she want to reach out and reclaim it. “Is that what you think is good for you?” he asked, “Or are you running away?”

     She cut her eyes to him. “Who says I’m running?”

     He smirked at her. “The proverbial Nikes you’re lacing up along with the little knapsack like you’re mad at your mom and you’re gonna walk around the neighborhood until it gets dark. That’s what says it.”

     Ashlyn looked back down at her grit filled nailbeds, picking more from underneath them as she avoided his gaze. He allowed her the silence but after a minute or two he spoke again.

     “You haven’t forgiven her.”

     Ashlyn didn’t look up at him as she answered. “I have.”

     “It’s all over your face,” he said softly. “Which isn’t completely absurd, you know. Not many couples can survive a denied proposal.”

     She shrugged but looked up again. “I still love her.”

     The smile he gave was soft and warm. “Love isn’t all you need, kiddo. The Beatles were full of shit.”

     He stood up again, placing a hand on her shoulder for the briefest of moments before walking back to his desk. He picked up his pencil again and continued his sketch, giving Ashlyn time to think about what he said while eyeing her from underneath his lashes.

     The thought swirled around in her head; it was one of the oldest clichés in the world, that concept that love itself could move mountains, could part the seas, could be the salve to apply to any situation with one hundred percent efficiency. She’d believed it too, ever since she was young. She knew in her heart that love was unbreakable, was the fix-all. She hadn’t seen many examples of proper, true, unconditional love in her life but she knew that once she found it that it would all fall into place.

 _That can’t be true_ , she thought to herself. _I love Ali but still …_ The end of her musings went out in multiple directions, leading to multiple conclusions. Still, there were things that stuck out like sore thumbs. Still, there were harsh words that she hadn’t forgotten and that she’d said. Still, there were misgivings and hesitations.

     The gentle scratching of the graphite pencils sounded like the external workings of her thought process until she found she’d gone in a circle. None of it was simple, as was to be expected. She loved Ali desperately but wasn’t sure about where they were heading. She wasn’t sure about where they were heading but she loved Ali and trusted they’d find their way.

     The frustration of it all overwhelmed her and she wished to be with Ali, the one place she always knew was a comfort. She longed to be wrapped in her arms, her head on her chest; listening to her heart beat out the most important rhythm in her life – the one that signaled the vitality of the amazing woman that she’d fallen in love with, heart and soul. It was with a renewed annoyance that she remembered Ali’s mandated study-thon, an add-on coming when she realized that she had her own finals in the following days, something she couldn’t muster concern about and had decided to wing.

     Ashlyn rubbed her palms over her face, breathing in the harsh scent of metal. She rubbed the back of her hands into her eyes before she looked over at Mac, head tilted to the side until he met her gaze.

     “Hey, you think I could nail an interview working with you?”

     He chuckled before looking back down at his work. “Heading out soon, kid,” he said. “I’m thinking a coast is calling.”

     There were a few moments of scribbling until he spoke again, eyes on the table. “Would be interested in a little fledgling tagalong though, if you know one.”

     Ashlyn’s heart immediately swelled at the thought; her blue, beat up truck zooming down the California coast, sheet metal strapped down in the back, music playing over her shitty speakers. It would be so easy to assimilate to life out there – laid back and organic.

 _But Ali_ – it was jarring when Ashlyn realized how quickly she had thought of leaving this life, the one that was tethered to her girlfriend. It hadn’t even been a consideration alongside how many boxes she would need to buy to pack up what little amounts of belongings she had. The melting orange sunlight faded away as her mind instead began to picture the expansive blueness of the Atlantic Ocean, of everything ahead.

     What resolution was to be had? Where were things going? The endless cycle of questions phased through her head before she shut them down again, lifting herself from the chair to sift through the pile of trash once more.

* * *

     “Bye!” Ali called, raising up a hand to her friend as she started to walk backwards down the opposite hallway. “Almost done. We’ll make it!”

     “Here’s hoping my animation final isn’t half as horrible as this Chemistry test was,” Liz said with a groan. “You have two more this week?”

     “Yeah,” Ali replied, pausing while two other students crossed between them. “I’ll catch you before you leave on Friday, okay?”

     “Sounds good!” Liz said, turning to go in the right direction. “Later Ali!”

     While adjusting the straps on her finals-week-heavy backpack, Ali turned towards the northwest exit, mentally calculating the fastest way back to Pi Beta Phi that could also loop in a new cup of coffee. Making it through the week on sheer determination and caffeine was always her finals week routine and she didn’t see a point in changing it with barely over a year to go.

     She’d made it out the door and down the steps when she heard her name off to the right. “Ali!” When she turned, she saw Julia walking over to her, hair thrown up in a haphazard, and uncharacteristic, messy bun.

     “Hey there,” Ali said with a smile, waiting until she was within earshot. “What did you just get out of?”

     “Ethics,” Julia groaned, reaching Ali and collapsing onto her with a hug. She let out a muffled moan into her shoulder before righting herself so they could head off together. “Why did I want to become a lawyer? Oh right, cause my parents want me to be a lawyer.”

     “Or cause you love arguing with people,” Ali quipped, bumping her shoulder. “Come on, you know you do.”

     “I do,” Julia relented. “But I hate the tests. Plus, every time I start stressing over a midterm or a final, I remind myself that I’ll have to take the bar one day and it doesn’t always convince me to put it into perspective and instead just makes me want to marry rich.”

     “Do both,” Ali said. “Or better yet, be so successful that someday a man looks at you and says ‘Wow, I wanna marry rich’.”

     Julia reached over to cover Ali’s mouth. “Cool it on the feminism, Krieger. As right as you are, I don’t have brain power left.”

     “Fair enough,” Ali said with a chuckle. She directed them in the direction of Pekoe’s, enjoying the silence in their conversation as it allowed for a full drink of the impending summer break attitude over campus.

     While most of the students had the harried look of too much anxiety and stress, there were the few that were easily identified as either the super checked out or those who’d already finished all their tests. They lounged around on yoga mats or in the grass, faces upturned to the warm Colorado sun. The temperature was supposed to be in the low 90s, and Ali reached to shove the short sleeves of her t-shirt up to expose her shoulders.

     It was almost summer break and Ali could taste the excitement running through her veins. She was anxiously hoping the next twelve days would fly by so she could be on her way to Germany already. All the paperwork had been signed, the plans had been finalized, and all that was left was packing driving to Denver International.

 _And figuring out Ashlyn_ , she thought to herself. They’d danced around the subject so many times that she wasn’t sure where they stood on the subject. Despite the fact that she wanted nothing but smooth sailing until she had to go, Ali had tried multiple times to broach the topic since their talk after the proposal fiasco but each time, Ashlyn had deflected until Ali had no choice but to drop it again.

     It was as though she was trying to pretend that something was going to change, and the thought angered Ali each time she had it. She had a suspicious feeling that if they didn’t go over it in its entirety well before Ali was walking out the door, Ashlyn was going to make a giant scene and thus, make it harder to get in a good, secure place. Even though it was exciting, it was slightly nerve wracking to be going to a different country for such a long period of time, and she didn’t need it complicated with a whiny girlfriend.

 _Whiny_ , she thought with a wince. It wasn’t about being whiny, it wasn’t as though Ashlyn didn’t have a good reason to be upset. It was just that … Ashlyn hadn’t made it easy since finding out, and the grace period of having not been immediately informed had long expired. Ali’s patience was wearing thin and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.

     As though reading the thoughts going through Ali’s head, Julia nudged into her. “So how’s Ashlyn? She hasn’t been around much.”

     “Oh,” Ali said, blinking her line of thinking away. “She’s good. We’ve been in her room a lot.”

     Julia smiled. “She’s still weird about seeing us?”

     Ali nodded reluctantly. “Chris told me that when she showed up at the end of practice last Tuesday that Ash almost fell off the stage.”

     “Wouldn’t be the first time,” Julia laughed.

     Ali smiled good naturedly but went quiet as she considered the real question. “I don’t know, it’s just strange I think. We went through that night and the whole awful week after …” She trailed off, unconcernedly watching a group of guys playing Ultimate Frisbee. “We got to where I was sure we were good to keep moving forward and yet …”

     “Yet?” Julia asked.

     More silence passed between them as they went through the crosswalk ahead of Pekoe’s. Ali watched the numbers count down until the orange flashing hand appeared before speaking again. “She’s got one foot already out the door, I’m sure of it.”

     She was surprised to find that she did in fact think that, though perhaps she hadn’t considered it before. The words had come out naturally, and she realized it was the cornerstone of her issue with their inability to discuss Germany.

     “Ask her.”

     Ali paused, looking up and eyeing the exceptionally busy coffee shop. She lingered outside, leaning against a parking meter. “There was a time that I would’ve but now … I’m too scared of what she’ll say.” She shrugged once before folding her arms over her chest. “I’m trying to be optimistic and put on the happy face. I’m willing to carry us but –“

     “But Kriegy,” Julia started, tilting her head to the side and smiling softly, “that’s not why you’re in a relationship. It’s not about one side holding both.”

     Ali’s brow furrowed. “It’s just temporarily sharing the load,” she said. “It’s like … You know, in a dream scenario, we both have half but right now, she can only give ten percent and that’s okay! For the rest of our lives, this is how it will go. It’ll always be about helping each other.”

     Immediately, Ali could tell from the look on Julia’s face that her inspired speech wasn’t going to take. Sure enough, Julia quirked her cheek, chewing on her thought before speaking slowly.

     “Except babe … with that mentality, you can only expect fifty percent from her at best.” She waited for a minute, allowing her words to settle. “It’s not about … you both need to be one hundred percent, you know?”

     Ali watched the street light change twice, the chatter from students both entering and exiting the coffee shop floating around her ears; the snippets of conversation felt like backdrop to the warring sides of her brain. _Support her!_ One side screamed, believing that love was about making up for what the other person couldn’t give, getting them through the hard patches and never asking for a thank you.

     The other side of her brain just sat back, resolute. _Support yourself_ , it said much quieter. It didn’t yell, didn’t need to. It was the part of her that had been engendered since birth; self-love and self-confidence, the ability to separate herself from the relationships around her. She’d always known that she needed to be the best she could be so she could then give to others.

     Was she already good enough to give though? Or did she need more work? Was Germany about building herself up or was she enjoying the spoils? The line between what was self-improvement and what was reward felt hazier than ever when considering the question of what to give and how much.

     Julia waited, scrolling slowly through her phone while Ali chewed on the edge of a fingernail. She tapped through different screens until Ali was more focused on her surroundings than her inner monologue. Regardless of the winning side, whichever it was, her brain was getting tired of a constant workout.

     “I just have to get us through this,” she said resolutely, more to herself. “I’ll get us through this and then it’ll be fine.”

     “No, because then you’re leaving for six months,” Julia said, putting her phone in her back pocket.

     Frustrated at a new brick wall each time she turned, Ali frowned and barely resisted the urge to stamp her foot. It wasn’t that Julia was wrong, it was just that she couldn’t quite make out what the best course of action was. She thought about Ashlyn, about their tacit sex on Friday and the way she’d felt more disconnected than she never had when they were naked together, even considering Aspen.

     Something had to change, and in the absence of knowing precisely how to coerce Ashlyn forward by making it about Ali’s improvement, that left one option in her mind. It had to be about Ashlyn; showing Ashlyn just how in she was, just how committed and ready. Perhaps their inability to discuss Germany revolved around the fear that Ali wasn’t as prepared to discuss forever as Ashlyn was; therein lay the solution.

     “I need to prove it,” Ali said, again to herself. “I need to make a grand gesture.”

     She looked up at Julia with a wide smile, barely reaching forward to hug her before she was taking off again, heading towards the house and no longer thinking about coffee. “Thank you!”

     Julia watched her go with a confused expression before turning to walk inside Pekoe’s. “Or, you know, you can just be honest with yourself but I can see how that’s less fun than high drama.”

* * *

     Ashlyn checked her phone again as she walked up, squinting at it in the twilight. She looked up to check the street sign, read “Walnut” and kept going until she could find a number listing. She walked a bit further until she read the correct number on the neon-sign lit storefront but still had questions running through her head.

     She scrolled back through the previous messages from Ali, hoping that there would be some clue as to why she sent the address to this place. As expected, there were messages discussing the possibility for dinner on Wednesday night, their typical “good morning” exchange from that day along with an added “good luck” for Ashlyn’s last final and then without any other information, an address and time.

     Ashlyn looked up again to verify she was at the right address and the display on her phone told her she had two minutes until seven. She craned her neck back and forth but still didn’t see Ali approaching on either side. She’d replied to the message initially with question marks, but at the absence of any response had decided to follow the directions. As confounding as the girl was, Ashlyn still trusted her.

     Somewhat. The clock ticked one minute closer and still no Ali. Ashlyn was just about ready to call her and demand information when she heard a familiar voice from down the street.

     “Babe!” Ali called.

     Ashlyn smiled in relief when she saw Ali scurrying towards her, smiling wider still when she took in her tight jeans and small black tank top. She gave her a questioning look but opened her arms to receive her in a hug. “Hey you. What’s going on?”

     Ali pecked her cheek and then pulled away, sliding down to take Ashlyn’s hand and tug her forward. “Come on.”

     “Come on?” Ashlyn asked, looking up at the door Ali was determinately leading them towards. “Ali – what are we doing here?”

     “Getting our taxes done, obviously,” Ali said while rolling her eyes, holding the door open for Ashlyn to walk in first.

     Ashlyn scoffed. “Taxes were due on April 15th you idiot.”

     “Idiot? Who’s the one asking what we’re doing in a damn tattoo shop?” Ali said, ignoring her response and instead walking towards the counter and getting in line behind two other marked up patrons.

     “Well _Princess_ ,” Ashlyn emphasized, speaking lowly into Ali’s ear, “I’m just wondering what _you and I_ are doing in a tattoo shop.”

     Ali turned to her with a placating look. “At the risk of stating the obvious … getting tattoos.”

     Before Ashlyn could open her mouth to reply, Ali began to speak with the gentleman at the counter. “Hi! I want to get a tattoo.”

     “Well, you’ve come to the right place, babe,” he said in a gruff voice with a sly smile and Ashlyn grumbled under her breath.

     She looked around the walls while Ali chattered away, staunchly ignoring her interspersed giggles and _definitely_ ignoring the low chuckles in response. It wasn’t as though Ashlyn was inherently against the idea of a new tattoo; there were more than a few ideas for new ones floating around her head at any given moment. In fact, her skin was already tingling with excitement just hearing the numbing drone of the machines in the different booths; at least four of them by her count.

     Still, what would Ali want with a new tattoo? What would she get? They hadn’t really discussed them further than Ali tracing them with her fingers, lips or tongue, perfunctorily asking about meanings and the canned answers. Ashlyn hadn’t ever really explained precisely what the different designs really meant to her other than derivatives of “I just liked it”. There was something about the permanent imprints on her skin that she wanted to keep solely for herself.

     Ali continued to talk and Ashlyn vaguely noticed her hand a piece of paper to the man talking with her while casting a hesitant look over her shoulder. This stirred more than a few questions in Ashlyn’s mind: what’s the design? Why the secrecy? What was the plan? _Didn’t she say “we” were getting tattoos?_

     Ashlyn couldn’t see a way out of that tattoo shop without something new, so she started casting around in her mind for different additions that she’d been considering. She wanted to at least be semi prepared when it was her turn.

     “Let’s go,” Ali said, reaching back to pull Ashlyn by the hand again as the three of them went to a bay towards the back of the shop.

     “What just happened?” Ashlyn asked, peering in to see the different works in progress as they passed. “What are you getting?”

     “You’ll see,” Ali said, winking back at her. “But you’re gonna have to sit in front of me though.” She sat down on a presented chair, resting her folded arms across the top curvature. Ashlyn pulled forward a rolling stool, watching as the guy worked at a small table behind her to prepare the transfer paper and ink.

     Ashlyn cocked an eyebrow as he swiped an alcohol pad across her right shoulder blade. “There?” she asked. “Do you know how much that hurts?”

     “Probably less than my groin, I’d imagine,” Ali shot back and the tattooist chuckled again.

     “I guess we’ll find out then, _babe_ ,” Ashlyn said, nodding back at the guy as he turned away again. “Think you’ve got a good pain tolerance?”

     “I deal with you, don’t I?” Ali asked and for a second, Ashlyn didn’t know what to say until she broke out a large grin. “Kiss me before I lose my cool exterior and cry.”

     Ashlyn leaned forward slightly to press their lips together, leaning back as the guy started to get comfortable behind Ali. “Ready?” she asked, watching him pull the transfer paper off of her skin.

     “Ready,” Ali said with a nod, taking a deep breath when she heard the clattering of the tattoo machine being picked up from the tray.

     It took a little longer than Ashlyn had expected, even considering she didn’t know what was being applied. Ali stayed resolutely silent for most of it, only giving away small hisses and exhales every once in a while when Ashlyn imagined the guy tracing over a particularly pointy part of bone. Their hands stayed connected from roughly two seconds in when Ali had opened her palms without moving much, Ashlyn understanding immediately what she was asking for and acquiescing.

     Each time Ali would wince, Ashlyn began to make funny faces, seeing if she could make her laugh or at least be distracted from the pain. Whatever this was, it was important, and Ashlyn wanted to make it as positive of an experience as possible. She stayed calm throughout, smiling at Ashlyn after each whimper to reassure her.

     After what seemed like twenty minutes, the guy leaned back and the droning of the machine stopped. “Alright Miss Krieger, you’re finished.” He leaned forward to wipe a napkin across Ali’s shoulder, pulling away smears of blood and black ink. He then reached for a small hand mirror to hand her as he directed her towards a larger one.

     Ali directed Ashlyn to stay seated until she got a good look. “Aw, George. I love it!” she said, eyes wide with excitement. She slid her eyes to Ashlyn, tongue between her teeth in a grin. “Wanna see?”

     “That’s the point, right?” Ashlyn asked with amusement before Ali turned around.

     “What do you think?” Ali prompted, but Ashlyn stayed silent.

 _My beloved is mine_ : words in bolded black script, rimmed with red angry skin and still sporting pinpricks of blood interspersed throughout. Ashlyn’s breath caught in her throat and before she could even ask herself what she thought, she felt a lick of anger up her spine. She tried her best to keep her eyes from narrowing as Ali spun back around with a questioning look.

     “Well?” she asked again.

     “Why did you get that?” Ashlyn’s voice was quiet, barely discernible over the noise of the shop and Ali’s face fell.

     “Well,” she said with a nervous chuckle, “it’s a bit too late now to ask huh?”

     Ashlyn nodded in forced amusement, but her face remained passive as the thoughts ran through her head. She knew the quote, knew the history behind it. She could remember reading it for the first time and searching for it, feeling the weight of the words that she didn’t yet have the ability to understand.

     It was a heavy-handed choice, to be sure; the anger rippling through in a steady pulse started comparing, started questioning immediately. Still, Ali’s eyes bore into hers, waiting for a better answer.

     “Why did you get this?” Ashlyn asked, equally as quiet as before and she watched George the tattooist edge his way out of the booth and head back towards the front.

     “It’s how I feel,” Ali said simply, but Ashlyn saw less conviction than before.

     “So,” Ashlyn started, chewing on the corner of her lip before continuing, “you can get something like this permanently on your body but you can’t wear a ring?”

     She was only minutely aware of the guilt she felt as Ali’s face completely grew silent and sad. It was obvious that she’d intended this as a happy surprise, but Ashlyn didn’t feel capable of giving away any bits of positivity. Instead, all she could think of was the embarrassment she’d felt as she’d talked to the store manager about the possibilities of returning the ring for a failed proposal.

     Ali’s decision had been plain and Ashlyn had been working through it. She didn’t know precisely where she stood, but she knew that marriage had been taken off the table. As the mental image of Ali’s new tattoo stood out in her mind, a new question throbbed into view: _does she want to marry me now?_

     There were equal amounts of elation, optimism, fear and anger attached to her question and each exploded out of her heart simultaneously as she watched Ali try to keep her composure. Ashlyn wanted to believe that things were heading in that direction; she was ready to have been wrong, to have pouted for a month for nothing. She wanted to have a reason to go back to the shop again, _maybe a different one_ , she thought; she’d have a ring in hand tonight – it wasn’t yet closing time.

     “I’m trying,” Ali said quietly. “You have to let me try.”

     Finally, it got through; Ashlyn’s heart began to break at the sound of Ali’s hopelessness, her own fear. Immediately her defenses broke and somewhere in the back of her mind, she admonished herself for it but where it barely registered. Instead, she opened her arms while standing, bringing Ali to her chest as she hugged her.

     Ashlyn’s mouth found Ali’s ear, whispering softly. “I’m trying too, I promise.”

     Ali’s arms wound around Ashlyn’s neck and stayed that way, causing Ashlyn to have to pull away first as she reached for her right sleeve. As she began to roll it up, Ali gave her a questioning look.

     “Go get George,” Ashlyn said with a smile. “He’s got a little more work to do.”

* * *

     Ashlyn locked her door behind them, hands on Ali’s hips before the brunette could reach down to start to unbutton her jeans. Their mouths connected sloppily over and over, tongues and teeth sliding along lips and chins while their hands worked on the fastenings of their clothing.

     “Lys and Nicole?” Ali asked breathlessly between kisses, biting back a moan when Ashlyn latched onto her pulse point.

     “Both gone,” Ashlyn said in response, pushing Ali’s hips hard back into the edge of her bed. “Finals are over, they’re done.”

     Ali cast a sideway glance at the empty half of the room, mouth opening in some remark that got lost when Ashlyn dropped to her knees in front of her. She reached back to place her hands on the edge of the bed, fingertips gripping as Ashlyn kissed in between the opened flaps of her jeans.

     “We can do whatever we fucking please,” Ashlyn said, reaching in either side of both waistbands to start to jerk her pants and underwear down.

     Again, Ali’s response was taken away when Ashlyn’s mouth found its mark. She gasped aloud into the room, the sound echoing in the partial emptiness, keeping one hand to steady her and the other to twine into Ashlyn’s hair, not caring to be gentle as she fisted strands all the way down to her scalp to keep her in place. Her hips jerked forward not altogether softly as Ashlyn’s tongue lapped over her again and again, flicking against her clit while her hands worked to get her thighs separated.

     “Fuck, Ash,” Ali said, releasing a high-pitched gasp when Ashlyn took her clit between her teeth. She began to request caution when it was already neglected; she fell forward and had to rest her hand on Ashlyn’s shoulder to keep her upright when the pleasurable pain flashed. “Be careful,” she admonished, and was surprised to hear a throaty chuckle.

     “Is that a fucking order?” Ashlyn asked from between her legs, speaking against her clit. She’d managed to part Ali’s muscular thighs just enough for her hand to fit, and very insistently she ran two fingers through her wet folds, not bothering to tease before she began to slide them inside of her. “You think you need to tell me how to fuck you?”

     A surprised shudder went through Ali’s limbs as she looked down, meeting Ashlyn’s intense gaze. She thought to question it but only briefly; it wasn’t the way they’d spoken to each other during sex before. Something was different, something that likely had to do with the dull, throbbing pain on the back of her right shoulder.

     She looked down at Ashlyn’s right arm, seeing the glistening, ointment covered skin peeking up at her from where it was nearly positioned between her legs and she felt a sort of feral pride. Ashlyn was marked now, was Ali’s in a way that couldn’t be given to someone else. It had been Ali’s idea for the tattoos, Ali’s insistence that had gotten them there. The quote was about love and commitment but looking at the fresh tattoo on Ashlyn’s skin, she felt nothing but a symbiotic ownership and belonging.

     “No,” Ali said quietly, hearing her question echo again.

     “No, what?” Ashlyn challenged, kitten licking at her clit while looking up at her with hooded eyes.

     Ali barely bit back a moan. “No, I don’t need to tell you how to fuck me.”

     “Good girl,” Ashlyn said with a small laugh.

 _What am I saying? What am I doing?_ The questions ran through Ashlyn’s mind as Ali tossed her head back, looking up at the ceiling while Ashlyn continued to lick around her moving fingers. It felt foreign in a way that was equal parts unsure and thrilling. She didn’t know if Ali would continue to go along with the thoughts that were rapidly forming in her head, but from the sharp ache between her own thighs, Ashlyn knew it was a way she wanted to continue.

     “I want you to beg me,” Ashlyn said between passes of her tongue, punctuating her remark with a particularly deep swirl and suction directly over Ali’s swollen bundle of nerves.

     “Hmm?” Ali asked, open mouthed sigh of shock as Ashlyn twisted her fingers again and pressed up.

     “I want you to beg me to fuck you,” Ashlyn said, withdrawing her hand without notice, earning a displeased gasp. She raised to stand, all the while bringing up Ali’s tank top. It bundled around her bra line for a second before Ali’s arms went up, allowing Ashlyn to remove it completely.

     While keeping their eyes locked together, Ashlyn reached back to unfasten Ali’s bra, letting it fall to the ground between them when Ali put her hands back by her sides. Without exactly knowing what her plan was, Ashlyn reached up, running her thumb across Ali’s bottom lip before taking it and using it to pull her forward.

     They kissed deeply, Ali’s hands automatically trying to circle around Ashlyn’s hands but were continuously pushed away. She tried once, twice, and on the third time, redirected to reach inside the waistband of Ashlyn’s open jeans. Still she was denied, Ashlyn taking her by one wrist and then the other, pulling them behind her back.

     When Ashlyn opened her eyes, Ali was giving her a questioning look and she pulled back a bit more, the angle of her arms causing her chest to jut forward. “Did I tell you to fucking touch me?”

     Ali shook her head without speaking, something Ashlyn found to delight her without truly understanding why. She barreled forward, leaning down to take one of her nipples between her teeth to lick and suck and bite while Ali writhed in place. The same questions as before ran through her mind while Ali’s wrists began to twist in her hand, and though she was confused about where the source was, there was one very important question to voice.

     “Is this okay?” Ashlyn asked, raising back up until they were level. She relented just enough on her hold on Ali’s wrists, put enough into her voice that Ali opened her eyes to look at her. “I mean … is _this_ okay?”

     There was a short pause while Ali searched Ashlyn’s face and for a second, Ashlyn was ready to completely let go and apologize until Ali turned up the corner of a grin along with cocking an eyebrow. “Yes. Baby …” she started, and Ashlyn felt her pull her own wrists further behind her back.

     “Yeah?” Ashlyn asked breathlessly, eyes trained on the tip of Ali’s tongue as it traced over her bottom lip.

     “Please fuck me,” she said, words dripping with lust. “I need you to fuck me, baby.”

     A shiver ran through Ashlyn’s entire body; immediately, a new question popped up in her head of _can you handle this?_ But then she leaned forward to kiss Ali and any other question was gone. Both of them were responding enthusiastically, mind-blowingly so; to step back now would be unforgivable.

     Ashlyn took her time, bringing Ali to a full orgasm as she stood shaking against the bedframe, knees nearly knocking together as she struggled to stay standing. From Ashlyn’s gruff instructions to not remove her hands from the edge of the bed, she could look up and see the frustration on Ali’s face as Ashlyn just barely licked at her for a while, teasing her to a maddening edge before diving in and achieving her goal within a minute.

     “Lay back,” Ashlyn directed, pressing back against Ali’s still heaving chest once she was perched on the edge of the bed, Ashlyn standing between her legs.

     As Ali did her best to relax, Ashlyn removed her t-shirt and sports bra, dropping them down to the floor before sliding her hands up the inside of Ali’s legs until she reached the juncture of her thighs. She chuckled as she kissed the tops of her knees, feeling the muscles quake under her hands, from exhaustion or anticipation she wasn’t sure.

     Again, she teased her, again she drew it out; _three_ , Ashlyn thought with a smirk, feeling Ali’s thighs clench around her head once more. Still, she wouldn’t concede and before Ali had calmed down from her aftershocks, Ashlyn was pressing against the underside of her thighs, opening her up again.

     “Baby wait,” Ali said after her fourth orgasm, crawling feebly to the head of Ashlyn’s small bed as the blonde allowed her jeans and boxer briefs to pool at her feet before stepping out of them. “I need a snack break or something,” she grinned, reaching out a hand to help Ashlyn forward as she climbed up.

     “Did I say,” Ashlyn started, pulling Ali’s body to her own and luxuriating in the sweat-slicked feel against her skin, “that you could have a snack break?”

     “Mmmm,” Ali murmured, sucking a bruise into Ashlyn’s neck, “I _like_ this.”

     “Yeah?” Ashlyn asked, reaching down and cupping her ass in both hands. “You like me in charge?”

     “I do,” Ali said, inhaling sharply when Ashlyn tipped her backwards, causing her to fall back onto the mattress. She spread herself out in front of her, putting her body on full display. “I fucking love you like this.”

     “Just like this?” Ashlyn asked, quirking an eyebrow. “Do you only love me like this?”

     “I love you all the time,” Ali said, shaking her head slightly with a coy smile. “So let me rephrase: I love fucking you like this.”

     “Good answer,” Ashlyn said, reaching to collect a special zippered bag that hung from one of the back posts of her bed. “Although …”

     Ali was biting her lip in excitement, watching Ashlyn’s slow, deliberate movements as she began to sift through the bag’s contents. “Although?” she prompted, letting out a low appreciative moan when a certain purple item was revealed.

     “Although,” Ashlyn said, rising to her feet atop the bed to allow for proper space to don the toy. “Strictly speaking, I’m the only one doing the fucking baby.”

     “You won’t hear me complaining,” Ali said in a revered whisper as Ashlyn dropped back down to her knees while she tightened and fastened the straps into place. When it was all situated, Ali scrambled up to all fours, unable to hide the blissful anticipation on her face. “How do you want me now?”

     In place of her words, Ashlyn raised her pointer finger in the air long enough to twirl it in the air. Ali caught on quickly, and as she turned around, Ashlyn retrieved a pillow to support her head as she lay down flat on the bed, Ali straddling her thighs as she worked to position herself above the strap on.

     Though Ashlyn had retrieved the specifically made “for her” bottle of lubricant, she realized with a smirk of self-satisfaction that none would be needed as Ali easily slipped the toy inside. She straightened up slowly, reaching up to collect her hair and twist it in place with a hair tie, revealing the lined, defined muscles of her back. Taking a moment to appreciate Ali’s attention to proper posture, the light curvature of her spine presenting a pretty picture, Ashlyn allowed Ali to accustom herself again to the length and width of the toy before she started to direct her hips forward and back.

 _This won’t take long_ , Ashlyn thought with a grin, listening to Ali’s moans increase quickly in volume and frequency as she began to roll her hips harder onto Ashlyn’s lap. Ashlyn took time to admire the view, watching with rapt attention to the play of Ali’s muscles as she leaned forward, pressing her hands down above Ashlyn’s knees while she pressed onto her again and again.

     She must’ve grown tired, for after a few minutes of zealous grinding while pitched forward, Ali leaned back, pressing her hands onto the mattress on either side of Ashlyn’s chest. Ashlyn smiled until she started to move her hands up Ali’s back, listening to her hiss as her thumb got too close and swiped through the clear, viscous ointment slathered over her new tattoo.

     Ashlyn held her hands on either of Ali’s shoulders, pulling back and beginning to piston her hips up into Ali as best she could from where the brunette had started to slow and lower herself completely. The stark black tattoo still stared back at her and Ashlyn watched the tip of her thumb rub closer and closer, felt the slickness under her digit combined with another sharp gasp as Ali felt the pain.

 _You’re going to fucking leave_ ; the thought was suddenly alone in the forefront of Ashlyn’s mind, focused as long as she kept eye contact with that new fucking mark printed across Ali’s shoulder. No matter what happened tonight, no matter what happened after Ali’s finals were over the next day, Ashlyn kept repeating the thought in her head until it was louder than the brunette’s moans as she’d moved one hand to start vigorously rubbing her clit in time with Ashlyn’s thrusts.

 _I love you, stay with me, stay here_ , Ashlyn thought desperately, lowering her hands to knead into Ali’s muscles. She felt her mouth begin to open, felt the words on her tongue and if she had one more second she knew she’d say it – she knew she’d beg.

     “Fuck baby! Ash, fucking hell,” Ali gasped, breathing broken up from exertion and pleasure. “I’m gonna come baby, I’m gonna come!”

     “Come on, love,” Ashlyn said, voice cracking but covered by Ali’s pants. “You can do it baby. I love you, come for me.”

     It all happened in seconds; Ali jerked and trembled through her final orgasm while Ashlyn ran her hands up and down her back, running her fingertips over her skin as she whispered soothing words up at her. She stopped her own hips from moving, allowing Ali to sort out the sensations ebbing through her before she finally started to rustle, indicating a desire to dismount. Ashlyn obliged, reaching to help and trying her best not to laugh at Ali’s still shuddering body.

     “You’re finished,” Ali whispered, falling next to Ashlyn and wrapping her arms around her shoulders even as the blonde worked to remove the toy and toss it on the floor in the vague direction of its bag. “You’ve done so, so well but I have no more in me.”

     “Tsk, tsk, tsk,” Ashlyn teased, rolling both of them until she was spooned around Ali, kicking and pulling at the blanket underneath until she could rearrange at least part of it over their lower halves. “No endurance.”

     “No endurance?” Ali asked in what she probably thought was consternation, but really came out in a sleepy slur. “I’ll have you know that our little performance tonight probably qualified us for the Olympics.”

     “Go to sleep, baby,” Ashlyn whispered, kissing the top of her shoulder, right next to her new tattoo. “Medal ceremony is in the morning.”

     Long after Ali’s heaving breaths had evened to slow, deeper sounds of sleep, Ashlyn lay awake thinking about the evening’s events and what they all meant. It hadn’t taken long from start to finish, perhaps even less than twenty minutes. Ali held onto Ashlyn’s hand as she watched George work in the mirror. The pain had registered somewhere inside of her head, barreling alongside the ache of not knowing what parts remained from before: elation, optimism, fear and anger.

 _She’s trying,_ Ashlyn had reminded herself, hearing Ali’s words echo through her head. It was theoretically possible; she knew that Ali still loved her, that she was still here. She’d had a perfect out the night that Ashlyn had proposed and she hadn’t taken it, she’d insisted they try again. That counted for something, right? In her mind, Ashlyn had counted it as the possibility that though it may not yet be a diamond ring, they were both intent on getting there.

 _I am my beloved’s_ ; she had suppressed a hiss when George got closer to her elbow, shading in the letters there a little too close for comfort. It was all too close for comfort; the fear that it had been some sort of empty gesture and would mean less in the morning when Ashlyn rolled over and kissed her. Was it real? Or was it just something that would be covered up later?

 _Eh,_ Ashlyn had found herself thinking as she looked at the finished product in the mirror, letters backwards in the image, _what’s another tattoo?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy hell in a handbasket -- how did this get so long?
> 
> You guys are the bomb.


	23. she hits like ecstacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A celebration comes to a crashing end.

     “So, this is it, huh?”

     Ashlyn looked up from where she was applying a thin layer of packing tape to the top of a shoe box and over to Kelley. The drummer was reading over the top sheet of a packet of information Ashlyn had just finished; the ink had barely finished drying on her final signature. It was hard to read the full expression on her best friend’s face, and Ashlyn instead focused on lining up the edges of tape as she responded.

     “Yeah, I think it’s the best plan.” She made a mental note to drop off her final withdrawal paperwork after loading the next set of boxes into her car before heading off to the storage facility.

     “Where are you going to go?” Kelley asked, placing the packet gingerly back where it’d come from and setting on the task of going through Ashlyn’s stack of textbooks.

     Ashlyn drew a quiet breath; she was still formulating the finer points of her plan and it was a chance to work out the details if she treaded carefully. “I’ve talked with Mac – you know, my artist friend? He’s going to do a series of showcases on the West coast and I’m going to see if I can get some spots with him.”

     “Oh, you’re going to be able to show?” Kelley asked, sifting through a Biology textbook and a history pamphlet.

     Ashlyn quirked her cheek. “Well, that’s the hope. At first, I’m pretty sure he’s just going to have me do intern stuff.”

     “Paid though, right?” Kelley asked in what Ashlyn was sure she thought was a neutral tone.

     Ashlyn chuckled. “Yes, paid. He’ll need me to pay my half of the bills and gas and food. We’re going to move most of my stuff into a storage place. I guess I’ll use Denver as a base until I figure out where I want to be permanently. That, and I’ve gotta buy a ticket to go see Ali for Thanksgiving over in Frankfurt.”

     “German Thanksgiving? I thought Thanksgiving was an American thing,” Kelley joked, placing two books into a pile for Ashlyn to attempt to sell back to the campus store.

     Ashlyn shrugged with a grin. “Honestly, I’m not complaining. She wants me there, so there I’ll be.”

     “Shocker,” Kelley said quietly, and a full silence followed as Ashlyn considered.

     It had been a soft jab; Ashlyn was sure that each of the few people she counted as close friends all had raised eyebrows regarding her relationship with Ali. When questioned, Kelley had voiced concerns about Ashlyn’s individuality, about who she was on her own as a person.

     “Do you know who you are without her?” Kelley had asked over beers at Billy’s one night after practice.

     “Of course I do,” Ashlyn replied, tilting back her bottle for a pull.

     As she shifted the closed box over to the pile and started to open an empty to begin loading more of her things, she wondered if she’d answered too soon. The question had been swirling in her head for longer than she cared to honestly admit. But everyone had their own sense of who they were, right? You couldn’t get through a day if you weren’t your own person.

     Ashlyn frowned at the bottom of the box, challenging her own thoughts again while Kelley quietly flipped through one of her perspective drawing textbooks. Wasn’t this the whole reason Ashlyn was going with Mac to California? She was working on her own interests and steadily becoming who she wanted to be. That was the entire goal behind a cross country move.

     Except, Ashlyn couldn’t quite silence the uneasy fear buried beneath her heart about Ali – the fear that stayed firmly at the crux of their rapidly approaching long distance relationship. It wasn’t just about whether they would make it, Ashlyn realized. It seemed to be entwined with the fact that in a few short months, she’d seemingly reorganized all the strings of her life until they were all hanging from Ali.

     Her reverie was cut short when she heard a quiet but definite snuffle behind her. Barely moving, she twisted her head to see Kelley wipe her sleeve across her eyes. Unsure of whether Kelley would want to be called out on her emotional display, Ashlyn turned back around and worked on beginning to fill the new box before clearing her throat.

     “I’m gonna miss you too, Kel,” she said, putting a smile into her voice.

     "Yeah?” came Kelley’s reply, and then a beat. “I just …”

     Ashlyn turned around, abandoning her task. “What’s up?”

     Kelley was fidgeting with the end of Ashlyn’s comforter, staring at a stray thread as she collected her thoughts. “I just feel like I’ve been a bad friend. You’ve been going through all of this shit and I haven’t been around. I feel like I’ve bailed on you. I just keep thinking how much I didn’t realize what was going on.”

     Ashlyn gave her a soft smile as her words became more and more hurried, reaching out a hand towards her to calm her. “Hey, hey. Be easy on yourself, okay? First of all, you did plenty. You’re the person who took me to my first therapy appointment remember? Secondly, you only know as much as I tell you. You’re not responsible for me refusing to open up.”

     “Yeah, yeah,” Kelley said, discreetly wiping a tear, “I know. But –“

     “No buts,” Ashlyn said, firmly shaking her head. “I’m good. We’re good. This isn’t the last you’ll ever see of me.”

     “Promise?” Kelley asked with watery eyes.

     “Promise,” Ashlyn said, giving her another smile. A beat passed and then Ashlyn cocked an eyebrow. “Besides, you’ve got other things to handle. More _pressing_ , I think, right?”

     If Kelley’s sudden shiftiness didn’t give her away, the blush rising on her cheeks did it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

     “Oh come on, really? We’re packing up my room and you’re gonna lie to me? Come on KO.”

     “Okay, okay! It’s just a casual thing though! There wasn’t really any big deal in mentioning it sooner!”

     Ashlyn grinned from ear to ear, her suspicions confirmed. “So, tell me now.”

     Kelley was quiet for a minute, digging under a fingernail but Ashlyn could see the smile breaking out across her face before she looked up in wide eyed excitement. “Okay, so you remember the party their sorority had where you two bailed to go fuck like bunnies in Denver?”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn said with fond remembrances of a certain dresser top and a bucket of ice cubes.

     “Well, when we went to that together, it wasn’t a big deal right? Like, she’d just mentioned that you were going with Ali and that it’d be cool if we could all hang out together but I guess she knew you guys were gonna leave but _I_ didn’t know that, of course. Well! So, lo and behold, she had been crushing on me for a while, and she claims I had a thing for her but …”

     Kelley continued prattling on about Christen, Ashlyn watching her hands begin to animate wildly as her story built up towards their first kiss and hookup, leading through the months to current day. _I’m really gonna miss you,_ Ashlyn thought, smiling ruefully as she listened to her best friend.

* * *

     “Ash!” Ali called out, walking across the parking lot and up to the patio section outside of the restaurant. Ashlyn sat at a two-person table, looking through a menu over the tops of her sunglasses.

     When she heard her name, Ashlyn looked up and upon seeing Ali’s face, broke out into a giant grin. “Hey baby, about time you showed up.”

     Ali growled in exasperation as she walked through the tiny gate and crossed to sit down at the table. “I know, I know I’m sorry. I got caught up going through my packing list.”

     Ashlyn pretended to be lost in thought. “Hmm, do I want the black leggings or the black jeggings or the black straight legs?” She shook her head sadly at Ali who glared back at her with a smirk. “I can totally understand your quandary babe.”

     "Shut up,” Ali grumbled, picking up the menu to swat it towards Ashlyn. “I only have nine days left! It’s gonna sneak up on me. Besides, I’m sure you won’t mind me spending so much time packing now whenever we get to spend the last few days together wrapped up.”

     “In bed,” Ashlyn added, waggling her eyebrows.

     “ _Or_ on the couch, or at dinner, or wherever else we choose to spend our time before I fly thousands of miles away and we don’t have the joy of seeing each other every day,” Ali said pointedly. “As much as you love avoiding the topic, I _am_ leaving for Germany, sweetheart.”

     “I know,” Ashlyn muttered, going back to perusing her menu. “I was just playing with you.”

     Ali sighed, barely resisting the urge to roll her eyes. As she went down the list of lunch specials, she spoke over the top of her menu. “So how is your packing going?”

     Ashlyn grinned. “It’s going. Kelley’s been zero help though.”

     Ali smiled back at her, tongue poking through her teeth. “Yeah, she’s more of the type of person you have around for fun.”

     “ _Although_ ,” Ashlyn said, dropping her menu down to the table in exaggeration, “I did hear about her and Press finally. Dude!”

     “I _told_ you!” Ali exclaimed, waving her menu. She did a little victory dance in her seat as Ashlyn scoffed.

     “I so thought you were full of shit,” she said, shaking her head and swatting her arm towards Ali to get her to stop.

     “Common occurrence with you, huh?” Ali teased, sticking her tongue out.

     “Well, you know, I just consider the source and—“

     Ali seized a packet of sugar and tossed it at Ashlyn, catching her on the tip of her nose. Ashlyn’s mouth dropped open in surprise and she reached towards the ground to pick it up before launching it back at her. “Are you five?!”

     “And a half,” Ali quipped, tossing another sugar packet.

     Ashlyn just gave her an easy smile, watching her with soft eyes. The two of them allowed themselves to get caught up in the moment, disregarding everything else around them as background noise while they gazed across the table. Ali’s heart twanged in her chest as she realized these moments were likely numbered, at least until November when Ashlyn was scheduled to fly into Frankfurt.

     In the last few weeks, things between them had been a rollercoaster of emotions, ranging from good to bad to worse; Ali was very pleased to feel that there was more of a balance coming as they approached her departure date. She was growing less concerned with the idea that they wouldn’t be okay once she left, and felt a developing maturity to their relationship. Perhaps this distance would be good for them as opposed to something that would tear them apart.

     “I did have a nice moment when she basically told me how much she’d miss me.” Ashlyn’s voice pulled Ali from her reverie and she paused for a second as she heard what she’d told her.

     “Well,” Ali said, giving her a smile, “it’s easy to get used to you.”

     “You gonna miss me?” Ashlyn asked.

     Ali rolled her eyes playfully. “Every day babe.”

     “Really,” Ashlyn posed again, searching her face, “are you going to miss me?”

     The two of them went silent comfortably as Ali considered her question, knowing what kind of answer she wanted to hear. She pieced together the words in her head, desiring a mix of honesty and diplomacy.

     “I’m going to miss you being that reassuring, reinforcing light by my side whenever I look. I’m going to miss that complete feeling of home and comfort.” Ali paused, smiling wistfully into the distance as she went through the list in her head. “I’m going to miss the way you make me laugh.”

     "Do I want to know what you aren’t going to miss?” Ashlyn asked, blushing slightly against so much affection.

     “Farts.”

     “Gross! Come on!”

     The two of them laughed together, deep from their bellies. The slight tension that had started to build at the discussion of their impending separation was soothed by the joke and set them back on a comfortable track.

     “Way to ruin the moment,” Ashlyn said, shaking her head in feigned disappointment.

     “I’m going to miss you. Of course I am, I love you. But this trip,” Ali paused again, considering, “this experience is about me and making me the best person that I can be. It’s not just for you, but that’s part of it. I’ll miss you every day while I’m away but I’ve got to be honest in telling you that it won’t be my sole focus.”

     She watched as Ashlyn’s face started to show some apprehension, feeling slightly guilty and considering whether she’d been too honest. In the end, she decided that even though it may not be something Ashlyn wanted to hear, she needed to hear it. Germany was solely about Ali’s growth and if Ashlyn couldn’t get behind that, then there were bigger issues to consider.

* * *

     “So, I guess this is official notification that this will be our last session,” Ashlyn said, fidgeting with the frayed edge of the couch cushion.

     When she looked up, Doctor Weeks had the same serene gaze pointing back at her, as typical in each of her sessions. “You’re really ready to leave school?”

     Ashlyn nodded while answering, affirming. “Yes, I think it’s the best choice for me.”

     “And your feelings about Ali?” The doctor asked, looking down at her notes.

     “Resolved.”

     “Really?” A look of skepticism.

     “Completely.”

     “Well,” Doctor Weeks said, smiling and raising an amused eyebrow, “my work here is done.”

     Ashlyn smiled back good naturedly, looking down at her hands as she fidgeted with the cuticles on her left hand. _It doesn’t really matter_ , she thought to herself, _it’s my last session. No sense in going over the same thing for the 10 th time_.

     She looked back up at Doctor Weeks, giving her a noncommittal shrug. “It’s not about that, I don’t think. I mean, obviously there’s still stuff going on but we’ll deal with those things after Germany. I’ve just got to be patient until December and then it all goes back to normal.”

     “ _You’ve_ got to be patient until December?” The question came out in an accusatory tone and Ashlyn frowned.

     “Yeah,” she said, shrugging again. “It’s just a few months. Couples do distance all the time. It’s not gonna be a walk in the park, but we love each other. We’ll get through it.”

     “Do you know who you are without her?”

     The question came when Ashlyn wasn’t expecting it, and she blinked twice before she fully heard it. She looked across the small coffee table with a curious look on her face, contemplating her response.

     “Of course I do,” she said, as though it were an exceedingly silly question, and she felt it was.

     There was silence and they stared each other down, Ashlyn fighting the urge to avert her eyes to the abstract print hanging above the doctor’s head.

     “You do?” Ashlyn heard the question, even though she knew it hadn’t been fully intended. She nodded in response, and the silence wore on.

     “Really, it’s beside the point considering you can’t give me homework for next week,” Ashlyn muttered, finally caving and staring at the blocks of colors in the matted frame.

     “You may not be my patient, but I’m still recommending you take the time for introspection.”

     “I will.” Ashlyn went back to picking at her fingernails, ears picking up the distant ticking of her wristwatch. She idly wondered how much longer she had left until it was time to go.

     “Good,” Doctor Weeks said, pouncing on the pause. “The issues you have won’t go anywhere if you don’t do the work to understand them.”

     Ashlyn furrowed her brow, her frustration building even before she was aware of being annoyed. _The issues you have_? The statement ran through her head twice before she began to outwardly scoff. Still, the doctor was silent, watching her every movement.

 _You get to sit and pass judgement on me_? Ashlyn thought in aggravation. She was sitting there willingly, knowing she needed to get through therapy, knowing she had things to work on, and yet she still had to listen to someone’s judgement? That wasn’t what therapy was about, or at least she thought.

     She avoided Doctor Weeks’ gaze as long as possible, glancing around the room and counting the ticking of the second hand on her left wrist. Surely it would be over soon and she could skip from the office, could escape to somewhere she could avoid questioning deep blue eyes framed by thin black glasses.

     “You seem uncomfortable.”

     The voice took Ashlyn off guard and she jumped a little at the interruption to the ticking. She sheepishly looked across to Doctor Weeks, raising a hand to rub the back of her neck as she shrugged yet again.

     “A little,” she admitted.

     Doctor Weeks glanced at her watch and Ashlyn rubbed her hands over her thighs. “It’s about time to call it, if you wish to go. We don’t have to finish the session. It’s always your choice about whether you’d like to stay.”

     “Er,” Ashlyn started, glancing around the room. “I think uh, I think I’ll go.”

     Nodding as she stood, Doctor Weeks extended a hand that Ashlyn shook over the table between them. “It’s been a pleasure working with you Ashlyn,” she said, smiling warmly. “I hope for good things for your future; yours and Ali’s both.”

     “Thank you,” Ashlyn replied, turning towards the door.

     As she descended the stone steps, twirling her truck keys in her hand, the questions continued to echo through her brain. Still, she was adamant in the answers she’d given: she knew who she was and if she didn’t, surely she’d know it. Right?

     Her phone vibrated in her back pocket, and she thumbed through the screens until she could read Ali’s words.

 **Elevator Ali:** post finals party @ billys – see u soon babe xoxo

     Ashlyn climbed into her truck, quickly responding in the affirmative and letting Ali know she’d pick her up within ten minutes. As she pulled out of the parking lot, the questions posed slipped completely from her mind.

* * *

     Four shot glasses slammed back down onto the bar in succession, each of the four girls picking up a lime to suck into their mouths as they processed the cheap tequila. Ali shuddered and shook her head, shouting a quick “Woo!” into the air as she waved across to yet another classmate who had shown up to what seemed like a campus wide celebration at Billy’s bar.

     “Okay, next class!” Kelley said, leaning to the side to bump shoulders with Christen who just smiled and placed a kiss on the side of her arm.

     “Okay, okay,” Ali said, scrolling through her phone and squinting to see her final grade. “For my portfolio class?” The pause went through the group – “A minus!” she shouted, and they each shouted their congratulations. “All As!”

     “That’s a buttery nipple!” Ashlyn said, raising her hand at one of the temp bartenders before relaying her order for a shot.

     “I thought it was a Scooby snack,” Kelley said, and Christen shook her head as she drank some water.

     “No, that’s for an A. It goes tequila, Scooby snack, buttery nipple, starfucker, straight rum, Washington apple, ice cream sundaze, straight vodka, toadstool, and then …”

     “And then, really you might as well grab the bottle,” Ali joked, knocking her new shot to the bar and taking it back. When she finished, she squinted one eye shut and licked her lips. “Okay, that’s all of my grades. Time for Ashlyn!”

     “We should grab the bottles,” Ashlyn said, pulling her phone from her back pocket to begin going through the login screens. “Hopefully they haven’t posted yet and I can go to California pretending I passed everything.”

     “I’m sure you did fine,” Kelley said, slugging Ashlyn on the shoulder. “You always give yourself a harder time than anyone else.”

     “She’s right baby,” Ali said, pulling her close by the collar to kiss her mouth. “I’m sure you did great.”

     “Drumroll, please,” Ashlyn said, taking a short breath before clicking on the ‘grades’ screen. At first, as she skimmed down the page, she thought there’d been some sort of a mistake. Surely, something hadn’t gone through right. She’d been checked out for half of the semester. There was no way she earned –

     “All As and one B plus,” she said incredulously, staring at the screen in her hand.

     “Way to go!” Christen said, leaning across Kelley to give her a high five. “You did so good!”

     “I knew you had it in you, baby,” Ali murmured into her neck, kissing her below her earlobe.

     “Told you dude,” Kelley said, drinking out of Christen’s water glass. “Sounds like you’re gonna be wasting some potential out on the West coast,” she grinned, bumping into her.

     As Ali set about ordering Ashlyn’s succession of shots, the blonde couldn’t help but wonder if Kelley was partially right. What if she’d been too quick to drop out of school? What if she really was on the right track? A thick stream of doubt ran down her spine and she covered up a shiver by rubbing her hands over her face in mock preparation for the four shots lined out in front of her.

 _Maybe just a semester off_ , she said to herself, readying the first glass at her lips. As she took it down, she thought about re-enrolling and beginning school again in January with Ali. Everything could pick up right where they were about to leave off. Everything could go back to normal.

     “How are we going to play this next semester?” Kelley asked, pointing at a laminated menu to indicate the next drink she wanted from the spike-haired bartender. “Do you even get grades for the classes in Germany?”

     “Of course,” Ali said, taking a small sip of water from her mostly full glass. “We’ll just play it in January when I’m back from Christmas break.”

     “Or we can all do holidays together,” Christen suggested, chewing on the edge of her straw.

     “I think we’ll be far flung,” Ashlyn said, breaking out of her reverie. “I’ll be in Florida most likely after we finish the circuit.”

     “California,” Christen said, smiling and closing her eyes. “Enjoying sometimes 90 degree days.”

     “Georgia,” Kelley said, looking over at Ashlyn. “We won’t be very far from one another.”

     “But I’ll be up in Virginia right after Germany,” Ali said. “I don’t think my parents would be too happy with me rushing back after being gone for so long. They said they’re going to visit me, but Kyle probably won’t be able to so I’ll want to be with him.”

     “January it is,” Kelley said, downing a lime green shot.

     “How are you two gonna survive being a country apart for the holidays?” Ali teased, looking over at Christen who buried her head in Kelley’s shoulder.

     “Yeah, you guys are already so domestic. It’ll be a giant change after a few months with constant proximity,” Ashlyn joked, taking her third shot for her A.

     “You’ll have to carry the mantle,” Ali said, ordering another tequila shot.

     “The mantle?” Kelley asked, taking her rum and Coke. “What are you talking about?”

     “Soccer player and band member,” Ali replied, and they all laughed.

     “Yeah, until we come back for the title,” Ashlyn added and they all looked at her.

     “Come back?” Kelley asked with a hopeful look. “Does that mean what I think it means?”

     “Who knows?” Ashlyn said with a shrug. “Maybe a six-month siesta in Cali is all I need.”

     As Kelley and Christen went back to their drinks, discussing the fact that they were indeed just like Ali and Ashlyn in the sense of what they did at school, and Kelley talking about the upcoming guitarist auditions, Ali took a moment to lean her head over onto Ashlyn’s shoulder, slipping both hands around her waist.

     "What’s up babe?” Ashlyn asked quietly, kissing the top of her head.

     “I just love you,” Ali said, kissing the side of her neck. “I love you and I’m so proud of you, whatever you choose to do after this summer.”

     “Thank you, baby,” Ashlyn replied, grinning into her ponytail.

     An hour and a half and multiple shots, drinks, and glasses of water later, Billy began to usher people out of the bar and the four of them started to make plans for their trips home.

     “I’m definitely too drunk to drive,” Ashlyn said, scuffing her shoe on the door frame as they walked through and out into the evening air. She twirled her keys on her finger, waving them in front of Ali. “Honey?”

     Ali gave an exasperated smile but nodded. “I’ve got you, drunky. Let’s get back to Stearns.”

     “Don’t you have a bigger bed back at the house?” Christen asked, taking Kelley’s keys as the drummer started to sit down to tie her shoelaces, being distracted by a line of ants walking towards a discarded chicken strip.

     “Yeah, but there are also roommates,” Ali said deviously, wagging her eyebrows. “We’ve got a room to ourselves at her place.”

     “Solves it for me,” Ashlyn said, grabbing Ali’s hand and starting to drag her towards the truck. “Night you two! See you tomorrow.”

     “Bye guys!” Ali said, waving as she walked with Ashlyn towards the blue truck four spots down.

* * *

     “This is supposed to be a ten minute drive, Al,” Ashlyn complained, looking out the window. “A jogger could pass us right now.”

     “I’m trying to be safe,” Ali said, checking her side mirrors and the rear view. “I feel okay but I’m sure I wouldn’t pass a breathalyzer right now.”

     “This driving is just so not you. They won’t know how to deal with your American speed racer tactics in Germany.”

     “It’s unlikely I’ll drive,” Ali said, rolling her eyes.

     “Maybe you’ll lose your license before you get back. You’ll have to test for it again,” Ashlyn said seriously.

     “Ha, ha,” Ali said, and came to a full stop at a sign.

     “Let’s practice now,” Ashlyn said. “We’ve got another hour and a half before we get to the dorm.”

     “We’re on campus you idiot,” Ali said, taking off again at 15 miles an hour.

     “Well, that’s counting against you,” Ashlyn said, writing on an invisible clipboard. “’Mocks instructor’. Now, ma’am, I can’t help but notice you aren’t at ten and two.”

     "Those are old guidelines,” Ali said, looking out the left window.

     “Ten and two!” Ashlyn said, reaching over to shift Ali’s hand and that’s where it all went wrong.

     “Ashlyn, don’t!” Ali exclaimed, jerking her hand back and thereby overcorrecting the wheel.

     It happened in a second, it seemed. They were on the campus road, Stearns in sight and then suddenly they’d hopped the curb and were trundling through the grass. Ali was screeching about the brakes, mistakenly slamming on the gas; Ashlyn was bracing herself against the dashboard. Then, the truck came to a crunching halt against the large fountain by one of the main courtyards and the truck was still.

     “Baby?” Ashlyn asked, looking over at Ali who had her hands straight out in front of her and was staring ahead at the crushed hood of Ashlyn’s truck. “Are you okay?”

     “Yeah,” Ali said in a shaky voice, still not looking over. “Fuck. Fuck did that just happen?”

     “It did,” Ashlyn said, trying her door twice and finally succeeding in getting it open. “Come on and get out. Let’s make sure you’re okay.”

     “My door won’t open,” Ali said mechanically, wiggling the handle in an increasingly frantic fashion. “Ashlyn, the door won’t open!”

     “Calm down babe,” Ashlyn said, reaching to pull her through her side. “Come on, out this door.”

     They stood there for a minute or two, unsure of what to do. Ali proposed calling the cops twice but Ashlyn was hesitant. They were both surely at the point where they shouldn’t be driving. The car was an issue, but it didn’t look like there was much damage to the fountain. If they could get out of this without police involvement, maybe they’d be able to scrape by without much consequence.

     “Let me call my insurance company,” Ashlyn said. “I think there’s a tow service number. We can just get it back to Pi Beta Phi and deal with it tomorrow. I don’t think either of us should be talking to a cop,” she added as she crawled back in and started sifting through the glove compartment for her documents.

     “Uhm, babe,” Ali started, turning around to face north. “I don’t think that’s going to be an option.”

     “Fuck,” Ashlyn said, watching as the campus police officer turned on the lights as he approached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your patience and sticking with me through the hiatus. I have more free time for the next few weeks so I'd like to update as often as possible. I'd also love your feedback so keep it coming!


	24. your most obvious weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn deal with the aftermath of the crash.

     “Stop doing that.”

     Ali dropped her thumbnail from between her teeth and looked at Ashlyn. “What?”

     “ _That_ ,” Ashlyn said, reaching to pull Ali’s hand back when it automatically started trailing back towards her mouth. “You look like a kid sitting outside the principal’s office.”

     Ali glared and folded her arms across her chest. “Well forgive me if sitting in a police station doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes and coughed to conceal a scoff. “It’s campus police baby. It hardly counts as anything.”

     “You’re pretty cavalier for someone whose breath smells like spring break in Cabo,” Ali whispered as a uniformed officer passed them.

     Again, Ashlyn rolled her eyes but she didn’t respond to Ali. Instead, she looked across the small bullpen room to a windowed side office where the two officers who responded to their “mishap” were speaking with someone on a conference call. The woman was sitting straight-backed and facing them as she spoke into the receiver, and the man was pacing around the room, occasionally chiming in. She wished more than anything that she could hear what they were saying.

     They hadn’t said much when they stopped by the fountain. By the time Ashlyn had stepped down from the truck and crossed over to Ali, the brunette’s lips were pursed to keep in the tears pooling at her eyes. Ashlyn surreptitiously reached behind her to rub soothing circles into her back as the female officer approached.

     “Good evening ladies. What happened?”

     “We lost control of the vehicle, ma’am,” Ashlyn responded, clearing her throat with a cough, and when she tasted her own breath she wished she’d ducked her head first.

     The officer paused, craning her neck to look around to where the truck was smashed against the side of the fountain. “Is the vehicle drivable?” she finally asked, reaching behind her to pull out a notepad and pen.

     Ashlyn looked back at her truck. “I’m not sure. We haven’t tried to move it yet.”

     She was careful, feeling the way Ali trembled in her arms. Ashlyn tried to look around her, see if there were any security cameras on them. Somehow, she wanted to keep them from finding out it had been Ali behind the wheel.

 _Someone was obviously driving, you idiot_ , she told herself, tensing further when the second officer got out of the car, speaking into a walkie-talkie on his shoulder. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Ashlyn was aware of the connection between the words _drunk_ and _driving_ ; a shiver ran down her spine and she stepped closer to her girlfriend, tuning back into the conversation.

     “Do you know how fast you were going when the accident occurred?” the officer asked, scribbling something down onto her notepad before looking up between the two of them.

     Ali and Ashlyn exchanged a look, the silent agreement between them for neutral language in full effect. “It wasn’t very fast. We were driving under the speed limit.”

     “And why was that?” Officer … _Turner_ , Ashlyn read from her name badge, asked.

     Ali shrugged. “Sometimes there are animals on campus at night, or students walking around. We wanted to be sure to have adequate time to stop should something stray into our path.”

     Ashlyn tried to suppress the raised eyebrow she quirked in Ali’s direction. Officer Turner wasn’t convinced, and she turned around as her partner approached, searching his face as he surveyed the damage.

     “Evening girls,” he said, the plate on his upper chest reading “Simmons”. “What happened?”

     “They reported a loss of control of the vehicle,” Turner said, speaking over Ashlyn as she began to answer. “Driving under the speed limit for … safety reasons,” she said, her pause barely noticeable but made all the more obvious when Ali half turned her head to check Ashlyn’s reaction.

     “Uh huh,” Simmons said slowly, his hands on his belt as he craned his neck around to check something before turning around to face them. “Finals week, isn’t it?” he asked.

     An icy cold wave washed over Ashlyn’s skin and she felt Ali stiffen beside her. Both of them were quiet and the question sat on the air as both of the officers regarded them. _Just stay silent, just stay silent_ , Ashlyn kept repeating to herself, willing her thoughts to echo in Ali’s own mind.

     If there weren’t any cameras, then it wasn’t clear who was driving or exactly what had occurred. As foolishly optimistic as it was, Ashlyn was convinced that if they didn’t say anything, neither of them would be in trouble.

     “Ladies?” Turner asked, fixing them with an authoritative stare.

     Ashlyn nodded, licking her lips before answering. “Yes ma’am. Finals are finished. I go home the day after tomorrow.”

     “Same here,” Ali said, her voice barely discernible over static filled feedback from Simmons’ walkie.

     Turner scribbled something else down on her notepad, speaking for a few seconds before looking up. “And which of you were behind the wheel when the accident occurred?”

     Total silence. Ashlyn snuck a glance over to Ali who was busy studying her shoelaces and she didn’t have the nerve to look at either officer, even when Simmons cleared his throat. “Out with it. Who was driving?”

     The only sound came from the leaves rustling around their feet in the slight breeze that blew through the courtyard; Ali continued looking down at the ground and Ashlyn didn’t dare break rank. _Just hold your tongue,_ she thought desperately, _maybe they’ll let us go. They’re not_ real _cops, right?_

     Ashlyn’s optimism faded as soon as Turner’s voice gave away a cooler edge. “Alright, that’s not a problem. We can continue this conversation at the campus police station. I’m going to have to ask the two of you to climb into the back of the car here.” She then addressed Simmons who was already reaching for the mouthpiece on his shoulder, “Go ahead and call the tow company. Have them bring the vehicle down.”

     When Ali had clambered in after Ashlyn, practically sitting on top of her as she gripped her thigh, Ashlyn patted her knee reassuringly. “It’s going to be fine,” she murmured. “We’re going to be just fine.”

     Ali’s mouth opened but no sound escaped; the stark expression on her pale face spoke enough as it were. Her hands shook where they met Ashlyn’s leg, fingers twisting against the fabric of her jeans. Tears still swam at the corners of her eyes, one finally falling over her lid and dripping down her cheek. Ashlyn raised a thumb to wipe it while shaking her head.

     “Hey, none of that baby,” she said quietly as Turner opened the door and slid into the passenger seat.

     “This is car eleven, bringing in two females, both aged early twenties –“

     The conversation rang uncomfortably familiar for Ashlyn, and suddenly it was as though she were transported three months prior to that night outside of Billy’s. Her stomach dropped and she felt Ali scrabble at her hands as they went still. Her mind raced through all of the possibilities, wondering what would happen to them; what were the remaining options?

 _Hey, at least I wasn’t the one driving_ ; Ashlyn bit the inside of her cheek to stop her errant thought. She wouldn’t leave Ali hanging out to dry. Ashlyn thought to the over packed suitcase sitting in the corner of her girlfriend’s bedroom, the way she’d triumphantly read out her grades. Ali had more to lose than Ashlyn who’d just turned in her withdrawal paperwork and was planning on hitting the road.

 _But what about the idea of coming back?_ The question lay in the silence of the backseat, Ali’s fingernails digging nervously into the back of Ashlyn’s hand. Which would be worse? Derailing Ali’s progress or potentially obliterating any future before it was able to come to fruition?

     “Krieger. Harris.”

     Both of their heads snapped up at the curt voice coming from across the room; Turner motioned her hand towards the door. “If you would both please come into the room.”

     They looked at each other before moving, eyes meeting and searching in half of a second, both likely thinking the same thing. They hadn’t had a chance to discuss a story, hadn’t gone over anything other than Ashlyn’s feeble joke about an empty vending machine and Ali’s half-formed worries about the status of the truck.

     The two of them stood together, their hands linking for the briefest of moments for a squeeze – reassurance or apologetic? Ashlyn tried not to let the bile rise too quickly in her throat as she led the way through the open door.

* * *

     In the midst of all of her fear, Ali could still find the time to be annoyed at the obvious good cop/bad cop routine that was playing out in front of them. Simmons stood leaning against a filing cabinet, reading over what she assumed to be the report of the “incident” and never making eye contact no matter how long the silence continued.

     For her part, Turner looked between Ali and Ashlyn, eyes soft and beseeching. The initial question that had been asked when they first sat down still simmered: “Alright ladies, time to answer. Who was driving the vehicle?”

     Ali couldn’t imagine a time where she’d felt more pressure from a single question, even given its simplicity. She knew the answer of course – she’d been driving. She also knew the extra information that was being debated – she’d been drinking. Yes, the truck clearly belonged to Ashlyn as indicated on the title, but no one had seen the accident and no one could confirm.

     She racked her brain, wishing she could remember the relevant Law and Order episodes: could they force a confession? Could they prosecute like Boulder P.D.? What were the top consequences? What if there was never official confirmation of who was driving the vehicle?

     It would’ve been preferable if she and Ashlyn had time before the cops arrived to discuss something more than a panicked first move. Though they hadn’t had but scant moments to reassure one another, _Ashlyn doing more comforting_ , Ali thought, they’d understood immediately to stay quiet on the particulars. Perhaps it was a trademark of a solid relationship that they’d formed an unspoken plan. At least, Ali felt more encouragement from that thought rather than the errant doubts that wondered when Ashlyn would narc on her.

 _That’s not going to happen_ , she told herself firmly. She had to believe that her girlfriend would protect her. _Even at her own expense?_ The question lingered in her mind, and she wondered how she would feel if the situation were reversed. If she knew that Ashlyn were the more culpable one, and she knew what was on the line, how long would she reasonably keep silent?

     Turner clicked the tip of her ballpoint pen against the table, tapping a skittering rhythm that matched the thrumming of Ali’s pulse – she wasn’t sure how much more anxiety she could hold; it felt eerily like the Tell-Tale Heart. _Don’t say anything, don’t say anything_ ; Ali repeated the words over and over in her head until they began to blend together. _Nothing will happen if we don’t say anything_.

     But then Ashlyn’s mouth opened. “I …”

     Ali sucked in a breath; could she have been wrong? Would Ashlyn tell the truth?

     “Yes?” Simmons asked, turning his attention to the two of them.

     “Do we get a phone call?” Ashlyn asked, looking up at Turner.

     She regarded her for a few moments, calculating an answer. “We’re not quite like a typical police department. With that, there aren’t the same rules.”

     “Then can you still be holding us?” Ali asked, confidence bolstered. “If you’re not going to arrest us, then can we just settle this and be done with it?”

     “Part of ‘settling this’ has to do with finding out who was driving the vehicle, ma’am,” Simmons cut in, resting his hands on his belt. “There was damage to school property that has to be taken care of.”

     “Isn’t that what insurance is for?” Ashlyn asked, looking between the two of them. “I gave you my card when you guys took a copy of my license. Once I file with them, the school will be compensated I’m sure.”

     More silence, and for once Ali felt a sliver of reprieve. It was looking increasingly likely that nothing was going to happen, at least nothing that couldn’t be taken care of with increased monthly premiums. In fact, it looked possible that they wouldn’t even truly need to know Ali had been behind the wheel if it was just a matter of paying for school property – she felt her shoulders relax for the first time in an hour and a half, exhaling quietly as Ashlyn leaned forward onto the table.

     “Look, just take the insurance card and I’ll stay on top of them as they work the claim. It didn’t even look like a ton of damage so really, I don’t know why we’re still sitting here.”

     With a gruff clearing of his throat, Simmons pulled a pen from his shirt pocket and held the incident report to the wall while scribbling something. Turner leaned back, looking away from them and instead reaching to close her notepad and slide it back into her belt. _It’s over_ , Ali thought triumphantly, sneaking a look to Ashlyn who winked at her before turning their attention back ahead of them.

     “There’s just one more thing,” Simmons said, crossing to the table and placing the report in front of Turner.

     “What’s that?” Ashlyn asked, not trying to hide her sigh of annoyance.

     “We’ll have to have a driver on the insurance claim to process.” He allowed two beats of a pause and Ali bit onto the inside of her cheek. “Once we have the information, we can go ahead and send this off and be done with it.”

     “Besides,” Turner said, clearing dirt from under her thumbnail, “we already have a pretty good idea of who it was.”

 _No, no, no,_ Ali thought desperately, chewing on her lip. _It’s just on a claim though, right? It wouldn’t count against me? Nothing would –_

     “Miss Harris, when we pulled up you were climbing out of the cab of the truck.”

     “Yes,” Ashlyn said evenly. “I was climbing out of the passenger seat.”

     Ali felt a jolt in her chest. Was she going to tell them?

     “Well, we understand the driver’s side door was unable to be opened due to the way the vehicle slid into the side of the fountain. Is that correct?”

     Turner and Ashlyn had a brief staring contest before she nodded again. “Yes.”

     Turner nodded, sliding the report to face Ashlyn and placing a pen next to her. “If you sign on the line as the driver, we can go ahead and send this off to your insurance and be done with this part.”

     Ali wished they could talk, wish she knew what Ashlyn was thinking. Did it matter that Ali hadn’t said anything yet in her defense? Truly, if it were her truck, her insurance, it wouldn’t make much of a difference if Ali was listed as the driver, right? It would already have an effect. Ali decided in her head that she would work out making any overage payments to the school once they’d worked out that part as Ashlyn reached to pick up the pen.

     “Thank you, Miss Harris,” Turner said, taking the form and pushing her chair back to stand. “We’ll process this. Can you two give us a few moments?”

     The two of them nodded as both officers filed out, closing the door behind them. As soon as it clicked shut, they turned to one another, both with deep exhales.

     “That was close,” Ashlyn said, and Ali reached to grab her hand.

     “Babe, are you sure?” Ali asked, pulling Ashlyn’s knuckles to her mouth to place a kiss on them. “You really want to sign as the driver?”

     Ashlyn shrugged, running her free hand through her hair. “I mean, is it optimal? No. But it’s already my insurance. I’m gonna have a higher rate now anyway.”

     “I was thinking that too,” Ali said. “But are you _sure_?”

     There was a longer pause than Ali expected, and she felt a warm swoop of guilt go through her. “Yeah, it’s fine. No big deal.”

     Ali was about to bring up the idea of taking over any financial responsibility when the door opened once more, Simmons and Turner filing in followed by an older woman wearing bifocals and a tired expression. She wasn’t sure exactly who the new person was, but something in the air made her sit up a little taller, bringing her hand back into her own lap when the woman took the seat in front of them.

     “Good evening ladies,” the woman said, then turned to the clock hanging on the wall. “Or rather, should I say good morning. My name is Vanessa Heaton. I’m an associate dean at the university.”

 _Oh fuck,_ Ali thought, and just as she was about to open her mouth, Dean Heaton turned to her. “Miss Krieger, if you could step out of the room for a moment that would be lovely.”

     She hadn’t had a chance to face Ashlyn before Turner was motioning for her to leave the room, standing at the door. Ali had no choice but to follow suit, wishing more than anything that she could find some reason to stay. A wary feeling was growing in her gut and she didn’t want Ashlyn to be alone, particularly as the truth was buzzing in her mouth. _It was me_.

     But Ali kept silent as she made her way around the table, allowing Turner to close the door behind her. She made her way over to the same chairs they’d waited in while on the conference call before, settling against the plastic with one leg folded under her. She watched the back of Dean Heaton’s head as she did most of the speaking, Ashlyn’s expression unreadable as she regarded her from across the table.

     If only Ashlyn would say something, then she felt she would have more of an idea of what was happening. _You know what’s happening_ , said a sinister voice in her ear, and she did her best to push it away. _I don’t,_ she thought fervently, _they could just be talking about what to do for the damages. She’s not in trouble._

     Ali watched as the dean handed Ashlyn a small packet of paper, which was promptly rolled up and brought into Ashlyn’s lap as she nodded at whatever was being said. Her face was still annoyingly impassive, but at least it was leading Ali to the conclusion that whatever was being said couldn’t be all that terrible. Then Ashlyn was standing, nodding again before walking to the door and pulling it open.

     Rising to her feet, Ali opened her mouth to ask what had happened when Ashlyn shook her head. She instead stopped halfway across the room, pulling her cell phone from her back pocket and tapping at the screen until she brought the phone to her ear. Ali watched in apprehension, wishing Ashlyn would hurry up and talk to her as she murmured into the receiver.

     Ali didn’t hear much of the conversation apart from her closing, “Okay thanks. See you in a few minutes. Bye.” Then she was heading towards Ali, but strangely wouldn’t meet her eyes.

     “Let’s go.” But her voice was all wrong, stony and cold.

     “Ashlyn? What –“

     “ _Let’s. Go,_ ” she repeated, jaw tense as she began walking towards the front door that led out into the parking lot.

     Ali followed quietly, thoughts racing but refusing to meet the inevitable, logical conclusion. She knew in the back of her mind what had likely happened, but her brain was circling around the implications. The guilt was hovering over her, waiting for official confirmation before piling down atop her head. It was just paperwork, right? They weren’t real cops. They couldn’t do anything.

     “Ashlyn,” Ali said softly, pulling back on her elbow once they’d walked into the parking lot. “Please talk to me. What happened?”

     “Jason’s coming to pick us up,” Ashlyn muttered. “I don’t want to do this in front of him.”

     “Do _what_?” Ali asked, forcing her to face her. “Ashlyn – what did she say?”

     Ashlyn chewed on her lip for a minute, looking off into the distance. Ali wished she would just look at her until she did, eyes hard and angry. “I’m fucking expelled, Ali.”

* * *

     Luckily, Jason had known Ashlyn’s dangerously quiet mood long enough to not ask unnecessary questions for the drive back. In fact, of all of the guys in the band, he was the one she liked the most. _He’s the one I’ll miss the most_ , she thought, a pang in her chest when she realized that she was now officially expelled from the University of Colorado.

     Ali sat still in the backseat, no movements or sound coming from her since Ashlyn had told her the news. Ashlyn wasn’t sure if it was from surprise or guilt, but she was pleased about it in any sense. She didn’t feel she could stand her incessant optimism at the moment.

 _Especially considering this is her fucking –_ _No._ Ashlyn clenched her jaw together, willing herself to lose that train of thought. She didn’t want to blame her, didn’t want to make it a scorecard. Of course, Ali didn’t say anything. Of course, she didn’t confess. It made sense when Ashlyn used every ounce of logic that she had.

 _But still._ Still, the shame and embarrassment pulsed through her veins and kept the embers of her anger stoked. Despite the fact that Ashlyn was about to leave the school, there was a very big difference in choosing to leave and being forced out. And besides, she’d been quite honest with herself at Billy’s before when she thought about returning once she’d done enough time on the road with Mac. At the time, she realized that perhaps she was giving in too soon, but now it was no longer her choice.

     It was a short drive across campus, and luckily, they didn’t pass by the fountain. Ashlyn wasn’t sure she’d be able to keep herself from throwing up every bit of celebratory alcohol in her stomach if they had. She marveled at the difference in how she’d felt leaving the bar – lightheaded and warm, that giddy level right under truly drunk but certainly beyond buzzed and how she felt now, painfully sober and already midway through developing a hangover.

     As they pulled up to the front of Sterns, Ashlyn’s stomach clenched. She’d been advised that she’d have twenty-four hours to vacate her room and anything left over would be shipped to her home address on file. Campus police would be checking in periodically throughout the day to monitor progress. She was essentially a criminal.

 _Already was one_ , she thought, remembering the mark on her record from before, thinking how it’d affected the school administration’s judgement in passing their punishment. Dean Heaton had said something about the code of conduct, droned on about the rules and expectations of students, but Ashlyn had checked out very quickly after she’d fired the gun. A numbness had taken over, left her frozen in place and speechless.

     There was something in her packet of papers that talked about an appeals process, but Ashlyn already knew she wouldn’t be bothering herself. _I was wrong_ , she thought to herself as Jason pulled up to the curb, _I don’t belong here after all._ She thought of the beast in her chest, the one that terrorized her after the disastrous interview and all the way home, the same one that ridiculed her following her arrest. She knew to expect its return soon.

     “Thanks,” she mumbled to Jason, not looking over at him as she opened the door and pulled the seat back for Ali to climb out behind her. “I’ll call you tomorrow and fill you in.”

     “No problem,” he said, waving a hand. “Glad you’re safe. Night Ali.”

     “Goodnight Jason.” Ashlyn winced, the sound of Ali’s voice putting her nerves on edge. She sounded just fine, like nothing was out of the ordinary. It annoyed Ashlyn.

     They didn’t talk at all as they walked into the building and made their way to the 15th floor. Once, Ali’s hand brushed against Ashlyn’s in the elevator, but when it wasn’t grasped, she pulled away. _Not her fault_ , Ashlyn kept telling herself, but as they rose higher and higher in the building, she knew it was a losing battle.

 _She could’ve said something_ , Ashlyn thought bitterly. _She could’ve said_ anything. The words swirled around her head in a violent maelstrom of anger and resentment, frothing and seething until Ashlyn’s fists clenched as they made their way down the hall to her room. It didn’t take long before she wished she’d sent Ali home, even though she knew she would’ve never gone.

     As she turned her key in the lock, she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. There was a fight coming, and she was quickly losing the ability to think clearly. With each passing second, she became more convinced that she’d been wronged, and the piece of herself that was trying to find a peaceable conversation had been voted off the island.

     “Babe,” Ali said softly once the door closed behind them, “please talk to me.”

     At the sound of her voice, Ashlyn threw the keys down on her desk, the noise echoing in the mostly empty room. Silence from behind her as Ashlyn busied herself with kicking off her shoes and emptying her pockets. She wondered what Ali was going to say, preparing her first attack.

     “Honey, please.” Her voice was quieter, tremulous. “Just say something.”

     More fury, white hot and boiling in her veins. It was unfair, so ridiculously unfair. Ashlyn had been left out to dry and now Ali had the audacity to give her the puppy dog treatment.

     “Baby … I’m sorry.”

     “You’re _sorry_?” Ashlyn’s thin cord of restraint snapped into pieces. “Seriously? You want me to say something? How about you? Why didn’t _you_ say something?”

     The words flew out of her like bullets from a gun, and Ashlyn could see them riddle her target. Ali flinched slightly, her brow furrowing in apology. “What do you mean, love?”

     “You let me take the fall for the whole thing!” Ashlyn said, throwing her hands in the air. “You sat there and let them convince me to sign the stupid paper and then didn’t say anything when they fucking kicked me out.”

     “Why didn’t you say something?” Ali asked, a little bolder than before. “Why was it all on me? I didn’t tell you to sign the paper.”

     Ashlyn scoffed, squinting her eyes. “Because I wasn’t going to rat you out! I wasn’t going to tell them it’d been you, but you? You just had zero problem letting me catch all of it right?”

     Ali was losing her patience, Ashlyn could see her gearing up for a fight. _Fucking come on then,_ she thought viciously, _let’s do this._ Somewhere in the very recesses of her mind did she passively think that this was a bad idea but her adrenaline was firing through her and all she wanted was a knockout fight.

     “Neither of us were saying anything,” Ali said evenly, voice growing colder. “We didn’t say anything at the fountain, didn’t say anything while we waited. I thought we both understood that we wouldn’t. Or,” she paused, tilting her head to the side, “was that only true up until you got blamed? Only then were you wanting it to change.”

     “Don’t pull that shit,” Ashlyn said, laughing derisively. “Miss Perfect is going to admit that she’d done something wrong? Please. You were ready from the start to let me take it.”

     “That’s not fair, Ashlyn,” Ali spit, crossing her arms over her chest. “I know I fucked up. I’m sorry. But it doesn’t change the fact that you were going to drop out anyway.”

     Ashlyn’s mouth dropped open. “Are you fucking kidding me?? That’s your sorry? That I was going to drop out and so you didn’t have to do the right fucking thing and admit that it was you?” She rubbed her hands over her face, tingling with anger. “So, you fucked up but I get to deal with the consequences because I don’t have as good of a future as you, right?”

     “Nice leap there, acrobat. That’s not what I said at all,” Ali said with venom. “What do you want me to do? You want me to go back and tell them it was me? Fine. Let’s go.”

     Ashlyn laughed again with dark amusement. “Sure, pretend to be noble so I can tell you ‘No, don’t worry, it’s enough that you offered’. Both of us fucking know that you wouldn’t have the balls to march in there and tell them the truth, or you would’ve done that in the first place.”

 _Pull back,_ Ashlyn thought, watching Ali’s face contort in fury. She knew the ground was coming at her with speed, knew she was spiraling out of control but something in that felt good, felt right. Everything was falling apart, everything was wrong. She’d worked so hard and it kept getting fucking shattered but this she could control. She could say everything in her head and she could make it hurt on the outside more than she was in agony inside.

 _You’re a fucking coward_.

     But when she saw Ali’s eyes narrow, she realized that she hadn’t just thought it in her head. She’d said it out loud. Only then did it feel like a bucket of ice water to the face and Ashlyn realized she’d crossed the line. Like flipping a switch, she knew this wasn’t right. Yes, she was mad and yes, she felt like she’d gotten the wrong end of the deal but it wasn’t right to do this.

     “Has it once occurred to you,” Ali started, voice quaking in rage, “that you have had a fucking inferiority complex about my education versus yours since the beginning?” Ashlyn tried to speak, tried to say anything to stop the train but Ali shook her head. “No, you’re listening now. You’ve had a problem with me and my focus on school and my career since we first started fucking talking. You’ve always made fun of me for being motivated and I think I know why.”

     “Ali,” Ashlyn exhaled, trying to raise her hands to calm, “can we just –“

     “You’re fucking jealous,” Ali spit out. “You’re jealous that I have a fucking path and goals and achievable fucking plans. I’m not running around trying to make a living out of playing with fucking scraps and calling it art. I’m not fucking around in a band and doing everything I can to pretend that real life isn’t going to happen. You’re pissed about Germany, and you’re pissed I’m staying in school and that is not _mine_ to deal with okay? That’s all yours.”

     She’d hit a nerve. Ashlyn clamped her mouth shut, all thoughts of de-escalation melting away. _Jealous?_ She thought.

     “If anyone’s jealous, it’s you Princess. Jealous that we can all walk around without a stick up our ass.”

     “Fuck you, Ashlyn,” Ali said, angry tears forming in her eyes. Then she spun on her heel, wrenched the door open and was gone.

     Ashlyn paced around her room, kicking everything in her path from suitcases to boxes to textbooks, finally losing a battle against the corner of her bed frame. As she screamed out obscenities, she fell onto her bed, beating against the mattress with her fists. She wasn’t sure when she succumbed to exhaustion, waking up when she heard a knock on the door and campus police announced themselves. She squinted around the empty room, realizing just how different everything looked in the light of day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've missed you guys as much as I've missed this story. I'm back and committed to seeing it through to the end. Thank you for still being here.


	25. why'd we both choose letting go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regret and anger in the days that follow; Ashlyn prepares to leave Boulder and Ali prepares to go to Germany.

     “Just fucking close already, you son of a bitch!”

     Ali was perched on top of her suitcase, squishing down with all of her might as she tried to tug the zipper closed. It was no use; after two minutes of grunting and pulling, her fingertips had started to go numb and she gave up.

     “Ugh!” she exclaimed, standing and kicking the wheel base. “Stupid fucking ridiculous ass bag. I hate you!”

     Just as she landed another kick, the door opened and Christen walked in. “Hey babe, need any help?”

     Ali looked up, embarrassment tinging her cheeks pink. “Um, no, I think I’ve got it,” she shrugged.

     “Yeah, sounded like it,” Christen said, smiling softly and crossing over to her bed before plopping down at the end. “Although really, if you’re at the point where you’re trying to kick an inanimate object into submission, I’m going to classify that as a loss.”

     “Probably true,” Ali muttered, busying herself with another bag on her desk. As she rummaged through it, she wished Christen would leave. It was hard enough to keep it together when she was by herself, let alone when she had to put on airs in front of other people. When it was just her, she could focus on the days of her calendar that she ticked off as Germany grew closer and closer.

     Still, Christen was silent. Ali cast her half a glance as she turned to retrieve a makeup bag on her nightstand. It wasn’t anything she needed to do, but she was desperately trying to give off a busy vibe that her friend wasn’t picking up on.

     “You sure you don’t need anything?” Christen asked and Ali couldn’t carry it anymore.

     Her shoulders drooped immediately as she let the weight of her sadness fall onto them. She turned to face Christen with tears already in her eyes, biting on her lip to keep it from trembling like a child. However, when the forward just smiled and opened her arms, Ali freely burst into tears and flung herself onto the bed.

     Christen held her for a few minutes, rubbing circles onto her back as Ali sobbed out five days’ worth of pent up frustration, melancholy, and fear. Twice she tried to blubber out an excuse or some joke to stave off the intense vulnerability she felt, but Christen just shushed her and held on tighter. They sat together until Ali’s cries had subsided and all that was left was the occasional sniff of her nose and a rattling exhale.

     “Have you tried calling her?” Christen asked as Ali settled next to her on the bed, her back to the wall.

     "She has my number blocked,” Ali said numbly, voice thick with tears. “It keeps going to voicemail.”

     “She’s big on that, isn’t she?” Christen muttered, shaking her head.

     “What the fuck _happened_?” Ali asked, looking over to Christen and desperately searching her face. “We were fine. We were _great_. We got tattoos and like, forty-eight hours later it was a shit show.”

     Christen sighed and shrugged her shoulders, giving Ali an apologetic look. “Life happened.”

     “No,” Ali shook her head stubbornly. “That wasn’t life. That was … that was an act of God.”

     “I think it was an act of tequila.”

     Ali sat back against the wall, closing her eyes and rubbing her fingertips against her temples. She’d been asking herself the same question for days and she wasn’t anywhere closer to an answer. She kept trying to trace the path of the last few weeks, from the proposal to Ashlyn’s decision to drop out, to exam week and then to that night by the fountain – it still didn’t make sense. Logically, she could tell herself that drinking and driving had been a stupid decision, but she hadn’t been _that_ drunk. She’d been thinking clearly.

 _Ashlyn had grabbed at the wheel_ , Ali thought bitterly, remembering her joke about driving tests. She’d tried as hard as she could to rationalize that although she’d been driving, it wasn’t truly her fault as Ashlyn had jerked on the steering wheel and sent them in their initial skid.

 _But I couldn’t correct the truck,_ she reasoned. That part was annoyingly true as well; though Ali remembered the evening clearly and had started steadily drinking water as soon as she felt her buzz creeping into inebriation, she still hadn’t had the ability to stop the car once they went onto the grass. Whether she’d panicked due to her innate response or she couldn’t respond quickly enough because of the alcohol in her system, she hadn’t been able to avoid hitting the fountain.

     As though she could hear her thoughts, Christen spoke up, looking down at her hands as she did. “Have you thought about taking responsibility?”

     Ali scoffed. “Of course, I have.” She turned to face her friend again. “Do you think I’m okay with the fact that Ashlyn got punished for something stupid I did?”

     “No, I don’t think that,” Christen replied softly. “But … why didn’t you?”

     The rebuttal died in her throat. She knew Christen wasn’t being accusatory, and it drained the fight from her. She’d fought a lot of internal battles over the last few days, and she’d done a lot of one side arguing against Ashlyn but she hadn’t really asked or answered that question yet.

     “I … don’t know,” Ali said quietly. “It all happened so fast. One minute we were at the bar and having a great time, and then we were driving home and then bam. Once we were at the police station, it felt like we were both on the same page with not saying anything but they kept talking about needing to have a driver for the claim. They asked over and over and I was so confused because I didn’t know they weren’t like regular cops. I mean, I knew but I didn’t know.” Ali picked at the corner of her thumbnail, buffing down the jagged edge she’d been keeping between her teeth recently. “I didn’t want her to get in trouble Chris,” she said, pleading.

     “I know.”

     “I didn’t want her to have to take the fall. But then she was talking and signing that paper and I didn’t _ask_ her to do that, she did it all on her own.”

     “She probably did it because she didn’t know what was going on either, I’d imagine,” Christen added.

     “Right, probably, but it’s not like I asked her to do it. I didn’t even lie and say she’d done it. I didn’t say anything.”

     “I’m not saying it was an easy choice, I’m just trying to think about what Ashlyn’s reasoning is for being so angry.”

     Ali rolled her eyes. “Okay, it was shitty but she said some really awful things to me.”

     “You said pretty bad things too,” Christen replied.

     “Okay, who’s side are you on?” Ali asked, turning and facing her friend. She folded her arms across her chest, wishing more than ever that she’d locked the door. “I told you that I get it, I told you that I know I didn’t say anything when I probably should’ve. It still doesn’t give her the right to call me a fucking coward.”

     Christen exhaled slowly, leaning her head to rest on Ali’s shoulder. “I’m not on anyone’s side, babe.”

     “Well I guess it’s nice to know what three years of friendship is worth,” Ali muttered, shrugging her off. “You’ve known me for that long, we spend about eighty percent of our time together, and yet you still don’t want to take ‘sides’ against someone you’ve only known for like, less than a third of that. Is it because you’re dating Kelley? Is that it?”

     “Or it’s because that’s who I’ve always been,” Christen said, giving her another serene smile.

     Her insistence on peace bristled Ali further but she knew there was no point. She held onto her childish anger for a few more moments until she exhaled in a puff, knocking her head back against the wall. Christen just reached over and patted her leg, waiting again for Ali’s lead.

     “We were both assholes to each other, it’s true,” she said uselessly, knowing Christen already thought as much. “I was scared. I felt like everything I’ve worked for was on the line and I didn’t want to make the sacrifice. I really did hope that neither of us would have to do it but …”

     “But?” Christen asked softly.

     “But you’re right. And Ashlyn was right.” Ali frowned down at her knees, twisting her fingers together as she fought to say the truth out loud to herself for the first time. “She was dropping out. She’d said she wanted to go. I figured that if there were going to be any consequences that it made more sense for her to …” she trailed off, biting her lip to keep from crying. “That’s so fucked up.”

     “I don’t think that many people in the same situation with the same circumstances would’ve made a different choice,” Christen said, reaching her arm to wrap around Ali’s shoulders and pull her close. “People do strange things when they’re scared shitless.”

     Ali shook her head, still willing the tears to keep from falling. “No,” she said, “Ashlyn wouldn’t have done it. She didn’t do it. She must’ve been scared and she didn’t make the same choice. She made the right one. I fucked up, Chris. I fucked up and then I got mad at her for it when she called me out on it.”

     “Shh,” Christen said, nuzzling her head into Ali, “It’s going to be okay.”

     “It’s not though!” Ali exclaimed, twisting her body to look her friend in the face. “I’m about to leave to fly halfway across the world until the end of the year and Ashlyn can’t be here anymore and she won’t even answer my phone calls. She can’t! Nothing is okay about that.”

     Christen just smiled again, wiping at Ali’s cheeks. “In the short time that the two of you have been together, there have been quite a few times where one of you wasn’t speaking to the other and it was always resolved. It’s just about finding the best way to break the ice.”

     “Yeah but it used to be that we just needed a funny selfie or cute comment. We need a sledgehammer to break this ice,” Ali muttered.

     Christen shrugged. “You’re pretty hardheaded Ali. If anyone can find a big enough sledgehammer to get what she wants, it’s you.”

* * *

     “Oy, Harris, wake up!”

     Ashlyn muttered something incoherently into the couch cushion as she rolled over, trying her best to bring the ratty blanket up over her head but not leave her feet uncovered. When that failed, she attempted to curl into a ball but her progress was stopped by the drummer shaped body that climbed on top of her.

     “Come on dude, it’s two in the afternoon. Wake up,” Kelley said, bouncing her ass up and down on Ashlyn’s hip until she rolled over, using her hands and feet to knock Kelley onto the floor.

     “I’m sleeping,” Ashlyn grumbled, barely unearthing her head before wrapping back up and turning into the couch once more.

     “You’ve been sleeping for the better part of a week now,” Kelley replied, wrenching the blanket away entirely. She batted Ashlyn’s hands away as she reached for it, tossing it behind her in the vague direction of Ricky’s excuse for a coffee table. “You’ve been hiding away in this frat house and drinking your days away. While that’s pretty good for like, Labor Day weekend, it’s not going to work anymore. Get your ass up.”

     “’S not a frat house,” Ashlyn mumbled, rolling over into the pillow. “Ricky doesn’t do frats.”

     Kelley scoffed in the back of her throat. “There’s a tower of beer cans on the kitchen table, a fishbowl full of condoms and at least three posters of women in bikinis. It’s a frat house.”

     Ashlyn maneuvered enough to give Kelley a one-eyed stare. “What do you want, Kel?”

     “To get you off of this couch and out of your funk,” Kelley said, crouching down until she was eye level with Ashlyn. After her first exhale however, she coughed and stood back up. “Jesus, and find you a toothbrush. Holy shit. It smells like a distillery in front of your face.”

     “So, you don’t want to make out, huh?” Ashlyn cracked, rolling over onto her back and stretching. “Ugh, fuck. It’s bright in here.”

     “You just have a continual hangover,” Kelley said, tossing her a pair of plastic sunglasses.

     Ashlyn sloppily put them on, one side hanging off of the side of her ear, but enough to block out most of the brightness. She groaned as she rubbed her face, feeling an urge to hurl as she tasted her own breath; Kelley wasn’t wrong. She looked down at the empty bottle of Johnnie Walker next to the couch, unable to remember much beyond having it in one hand and a chasing can of Coke in the other.

     “What … day is it?” Ashlyn asked, realizing she hadn’t bothered to keep track of anything beyond a steady supply of alcohol since she’d shown up at Ricky’s door the morning after she’d been expelled.

     “It’s Friday,” Kelley replied, knocking some empty cans on the floor so she could perch on the end of the table. As soon as she did, she lifted up one side of her ass and made a face. “I just sat in something and I don’t think I want to know what it is.”

     “Don’t think you do either,” Ashlyn said, leaning back onto the couch and running her hands through her hair to gather it again, somewhat neater, into her hair tie. “Friday. Jesus. What are you still doing here dude? I thought you were supposed to be in Georgia by now.”

     Kelley shrugged. “Didn’t want to leave yet so I changed my ticket. I’m leaving Sunday. I had a couple of things I needed to take care of before I left for the summer.”

     “Like what?” Ashlyn teased. “Banging Christen a few more times?”

     Kelley just rolled her eyes. “Or I wanted to see if my best friend was okay before I took off.” When Ashlyn avoided her gaze, she continued. “Are you okay?”

     “Right as rain, bud,” Ashlyn said, folding her arms across her chest. “Fucking homeless, jobless, carless … Winning at life, I’d say.”

     “Jobless?” Kelley asked. “What happened with Billy?”

     “I vaguely remember telling him to fuck off and that I fucking quit when he called asking where I was for my shift a few days ago.” Off Kelley’s wince, Ashlyn nodded. “Yeah, solid move, huh? I seem to be full of solid moves this week.”

     The two of them went silent, Ashlyn doing another one of her countless replays of that fateful night. Each time, she was hopeful that it would somehow end differently than Ali storming out after they’d screamed at one another, that the campus police goons wouldn’t show up at her door and wait around until she’d left with only about one fifth of her worldly belongings.

     She remembered the way she’d wandered around hopelessly, stubbornly even as she knew she had friends in town she could call. She’d turned her phone on and when she didn’t have any notifications from Ali she was furious, blocking her number and going so far as to delete her from her contacts, as though she didn’t have her information memorized. Then she’d done the only thing she could think to do: call her bandmates.

     Ricky had answered first, groggy as it was still 9 AM and thusly very early for him even on a good day. She hadn’t even had to explain before he said he was on his way and sure enough, within fifteen minutes she was sleeping on his couch in his off-campus apartment. She texted Jason to fill him in on the basics, asking him to get the rest of the band together that evening at Ricky’s for a full run down.

     They’d all been shocked, none of them saying much aside from low swears and dazed expressions. Each of them offered shelter, even Kelley who didn’t have anything but a plane ticket home. She stayed with Ricky when he threw in the added bonus of as much alcohol as she could take. As much as it felt like the root of the problem, all Ashlyn wanted to do was hide away from the moment she’d inevitably have to face the way everything had crumbled to pieces.

     It was the way the week started, and seemed to be the way it was ending; Ashlyn didn’t even remember how many times she’d showered in the last few days but was assured by the trash bag full of dirty clothes next to her overstuffed suitcases. She’d had a moment of inspiration a few days back and wanted to work on a new piece but had been frustrated to find that she’d left most of her tools in her dorm room and they were likely en route to Florida.

     “What about Mac?” Kelley asked, bringing Ashlyn out of her musings. “When do you meet up with him?”

     Ashlyn shrugged one shoulder. “He said he was still working something out with the galleries in California. Something about ironing out contracts? I’m not sure, but it sounds about right with the way everything is shaking out.”

     “Come on Debbie Downer, it’s gonna be okay,” Kelley said, grimacing. After a pointed look, she relented. “Alright, it’s pretty fucking bad. You might be guaranteed a pretty good-sized pity party.”

     “This is big coming from you, Miss Optimism,” Ashlyn cracked. “I must look fucking pathetic.”

     “Nah, not pathetic,” Kelley smiled. “Just a bit roughed up. But dude, I’ve got your back. You’re more than welcome to come with me to Georgia. I’ve already cleared it with my parents. If you’re not ready to go back to Florida, you can come hang out with me for the summer.”

     Ashlyn shook her head and reached over to the table to start sifting through the cans of beer, looking for an unopened one. “I appreciate it, but I can’t.”

     “Why not?” Kelley asked, looking up with vague surprise as Ricky came out of his room, naked save for a pair of overtight boxer briefs that were leaving very little to the imagination, especially considering his erection. “Dude, gross,” she said, covering her eyes. “Cover your junk.”

     “Hush O’Hara,” he said, grabbing the blanket Kelley had taken off of Ashlyn and wrapping in it before sinking down into the beat up Lay-Z-Boy in the corner of the room. “In my house, my junk gets to be as free as I please.”

     “Boys,” Kelley grumbled, rolling her eyes to the ceiling before turning to Ashlyn again. “Anyway, why can’t you come?”

     Ashlyn smirked at the two of them, but pointedly avoided looking in Ricky’s direction until he’d covered up. “Because,” she reasoned lamely, “I can’t.” She then continued rifling through the cans.

     “I’ll take any logical reason,” Kelley said, tossing Ashlyn an unopened beer from the box behind her. “Besides the fact that you couldn’t sit around and drink your days away anymore.”

     Ashlyn flipped her the bird before taking a gulp. “Dude, I don’t have half my stuff. I don’t have a job. I barely have any money saved up. I don’t even have a car.”

     “We have a plan for that,” Ricky said from his side of the room. When Ashlyn craned her head around Kelley, he nodded. “We came up with it yesterday while you were sleeping off the previous night’s hangover.”

     Ashlyn eyed both of them warily. “I’m almost afraid to ask. Is Velvet Moon getting into the grand theft auto business?”

     “We’re gonna throw a benefit for you,” Kelley said proudly. “It was my idea.”

     “A benefit?” Ashlyn asked, bemused. “Do tell.”

     “We talked with Billy. We’re doing a show tomorrow night and all of the proceeds are going to you,” Ricky said. Off of Ashlyn’s expression, he shook his head. “Don’t fight it. You’d do the same thing for us if something like this had happened. You were handed a raw fuckin’ deal and now you’re left in the lurch. You’re like a sister to us, Ash,” he smiled. “We take care of family.”

     Unsure of what to say, heart warmed with bashful affection, Ashlyn just grinned at the two of them. “Thanks guys,” she said. “That’s … you guys are great.”

     Kelley shrugged but Ricky leaned back in his chair. “Just telling me something I already know,” he said. Kelley tossed a crushed beer can in his direction and when he reached to catch it, he toppled over onto the floor.

     “You have shit balance,” she quipped. “You seem to be pretty unaware of that one.”

* * *

     “Again, I’m so … I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” Ashlyn said, practically squeezing Billy’s hand off as she shook it between the two of hers.

     “I’ve been there before, kiddo,” he said, smiling at her. “I’ve picked myself up off the ground plenty of times, and I’ve kicked and fought those who just wanted to help. Part of being young, I think. Sometimes when you get down enough, it almost feels better to just keep dropping. Makes sense to make it worse.” When Ashlyn nodded, he pulled her in for a hug. “You’re going to get through this. You’re going to get through all of it.”

     Ashlyn didn’t fight it; she wrapped her arms around her boss of at least the last two years, taking in the wave of comfort being given. She’d been avoiding him all afternoon as the band set up, always walking in the opposite direction whenever she saw him coming. Finally, he’d cornered her at the bar and asked how she was doing. When she’d just stared at him drop jawed, he’d explained that Jason had filled him in on the particulars.

     “Thank you, Billy,” she said into his shoulder, patting his back. “It’s more than I deserve.”

     “Not at all,” he replied, pulling back and reaching for a clipboard to start going over inventory. “It’s easy to believe that when you’re telling it to yourself but then it falls on those around you, those that love you,” he regarded her with a smile, “to correct that thinking.”

     Ashlyn tapped her toe on the ground, again overcome with the gratitude she felt to those who seemed dead set against letting her spiral into a slump. She turned around to face the stage, watching as the rest of the band put the final tweaks on the set up. Kelley was buzzing around her set, adjusting this stand and that pedal, making sure everything was perfect. Jason was checking the cords to his keyboard and to the rest of the instruments, walking over to the sound board and making sure all of the connections were right.

     Even Ricky was helping, assisting Rory as they moved chairs and tables out of the way to make room for a food set up and seating areas. It was exhausting work; typically, they had more time before a show to make sure things were in place but between advertising to the students left on campus and the residents of Boulder and coordinating food for the event, it was a mammoth of a task. Still, they’d all come together and they were ready for show time in just under two hours.

     Ashlyn felt a warmth in her chest that she hadn’t in the last week. In fact, she hadn’t really felt it since close to the middle of the semester. It had seemed for so long that things were just intent on slipping down to an unmanageable level but finally there seemed to be a note of positivity. As she reflected on it, she realized that whenever she tried her hardest to coordinate and control all of the variables, that’s when she felt the most slippage in plans. It was only when she let go and let herself be surrounded by those that wanted to help that she felt capable, enabled.

     Her positive feelings threatened to extinguish as she watched Christen walk through the door. Caught up in her thinking, she half expected Ali to walk in after her and when she didn’t, it all came back in a rush. Ashlyn frowned, turning away when Kelley met her halfway across the room, taking her in her arms for a kiss. As much as she was willing to look for a positive side again, a forceful reminder of her break-up wasn’t helping.

     She fingered the outline of her phone in her back pocket, wondering idly if she should unblock Ali’s number. It had been a knockout fight, their worst ever. Ashlyn had gone over some of the particulars and even when she was at her angriest from the words Ali had said, she knew how far out of line she’d been in her own barbs. She felt betrayed, that much was true. She still wasn’t over the fact that Ali had let her go down on her own, hadn’t spoken up to stop it from happening. That thought alone had Ashlyn resolute in her decision to stop thinking about her phone and instead concentrate on walking to the stage to tune her guitar.

     “Hey,” Ashyn turned around as she was midway through, seeing Christen standing next to her.

     “Oh, hey,” she said quietly, giving her a forced smile before twisting away at the knobs.

     “How are you?” Christen asked pointedly, shuffling sideways until she was more in her direct view.

     “I’m good,” Ashlyn chirped with false cheeriness. “Just getting ready for tonight’s show. How are you? Ready for summer?”

     Christen sighed. “Ash, you know what I’m asking. How _are_ you?”

     “It depends,” Ashlyn answered, resting her guitar against her legs.

     “On what?”

     “On who’s asking.”

     The two of them regarded each other, and Christen held both of her palms up. “I’m not here on anyone’s errand. I just wanted to know how you were doing because we’re friends. I promise.”

     Ashlyn relented, setting her guitar on the ground. “I’m … okay, I guess. I’m getting through it. Which part are you asking about? Me being expelled or the breakup?”

     “Both,” Christen said with a frown. She sat down on the stage next to her, wrapping her arms around her knees. “I’m so sorry that all happened. I’m sorry it went down that way.”

     “I am too,” Ashlyn said darkly. “Especially considering I wasn’t driving.”

     “I’m not arguing against that,” Christen replied quietly. “I’ve asked Ali about that.”

     “And?” Ashlyn asked.

     “And,” Christen said pointedly, “that’s between us as friends. I’m not here to do a negotiation.”

     “So, she hasn’t asked about me at all?”

     “Okay, either you want her to care or you don’t, Ash. Pick one.”

     “I’d love to,” Ashlyn said in frustration. “I’d love to be able to decide how I feel about her right now, trust me. I can’t figure out whether I want to scream at her some more or if I want her to hug me and tell me that shit isn’t falling apart like I feel like it is. It’s like … It’s like I’ve been tumbling downhill since January and for a while it felt like I was just gradually tripping and sliding but now I’m in a total freefall over a cliff.”

     Christen placed a hand on her knee. “You know you’re not on your own though, right? You’ve got Kelley, you’ve got the guys, you’ve got me.” As Ashlyn stubbornly shrugged, she added, “And you’ve got Ali.”

     “Yeah, right,” Ashlyn scoffed, picking at a hole in her jeans. “She was pretty clear when she told me ‘fuck you’.”

     “Why is it that both of you are forgetting what you said yourselves?” Christen asked. “Both of you were mad. Both of you were scared.”

     Ashlyn watched the guys from across the room as they each cracked open a bottle, leaning back against the bar and admiring their work. With a quick check to the clock, Ashlyn saw that they had a little over an hour before they were going on stage. _My last show_ , she thought, and her chest ached with sadness.

     Christen had watched her face and smiled when Ashlyn looked back at her. “You two love each other. You still love her, right?”

     “’Course I do,” Ashlyn pouted. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be so fucking torn up about it.”

     “And she still loves you. She does,” Christen assured her. “She still loves you and she doesn’t want it to be like this when she leaves.”

     “Did she say that?” Ashlyn asked and Christen nodded.

     “She did. She’s sick with worry that she’s gonna leave on Monday and the two of you won’t have resolved anything.”

     That thought had Ashlyn feeling a little better. Even if she wasn’t quite sure yet if she was fully over being angry, the idea that her relationship perhaps wasn’t completely lost felt like a shimmer in the dark. She smiled despite herself and Christen flashed one back at her.

     “See? I knew that would make you feel better.”

     “Is she coming tonight?” Ashlyn asked, heart in her chest as she worried about the answer.

     She’d needn’t have worried, as Christen nodded again. “I’m working on her. She said she’d be here. I told her the two of you would have a chance to talk after the show. Ash,” she grabbed both of her knees and shook them, “drop your pride. It’s not more important than the girl you love, is it?”

     “I dunno,” Ashlyn trailed off, pretending to consider until Christen playfully hit her shoulder. “Okay, okay. After the show, _if_ she comes, we’ll talk.”

     “Good.” She stood up, dusting off her pants and she put her hands on her hips. “You two are going to cause me to age prematurely.”

     The last hour went by quickly, the band taking a moment to toast to their coming show. Ricky was on his fourth beer already, catching up to his typical pre-performance drunken state. The rest of the band each said something nice about Ashlyn as mini toasts, and as she drained the bottle, she inwardly thanked God for giving her such a great group of friends.

     As the crowd filed in, Ashlyn could hear Billy’s voice over the din announcing ticket prices for admission, beer specials, and food prices. There seemed to be a big enough crowd, even considering many of the students who lived on campus had left for the summer already. She was spurred on by this, thinking that perhaps Kelley’s harebrained idea was going to work.

     She stood at the back table as the rest of the band milled around until they were due to go on, smiling to herself as she recalled the times she and Ali had “prepared” in that very spot. There were many times that both of them were perched on the edge of it right until Kelley had to come back to grab her, lest she miss her cue. She thought of the sweetened taste of Ali’s mouth, the way her hips rolled in her hands as they made out; the thrill of the potential of being caught as fingers slipped past waistbands and slid into pools of come.

     But Ali wasn’t there, and the thought made Ashlyn frown. Ali wasn’t waiting backstage as she used to do. Ali wasn’t kissing her and whispering “good luck!” as she went and found her spot at a reserved table up front. Ali might not even be in attendance; Ashlyn hadn’t had the nerve to unblock her number yet and she didn’t know if she’d said something about coming.

     With that, she slipped the phone from her pocket and scrolled through the menus until she was prompted “Are you sure you want to remove this number from your blocked list?”, her finger hovering over the red dash. Exhaling, she tapped on it and waited, holding her phone in her hand as she watched for any incoming messages or voicemails.

     But nothing came. One, two, three minutes went by and nothing showed up on her phone. No texts about missing her, no missed apologies. There weren’t even any passive aggressive voicemails telling Ashlyn to get over her shit already. Nothing. Ali had left nothing for Ashlyn to receive since they’d last spoken, and she hadn’t even come early as she had before to wish her luck before the show.

 _Figures,_ Ashlyn thought, sliding her phone back into her pocket once more. Perhaps Christen had been mistaken and she wasn’t as heartbroken as she was told. _Perhaps_ , she continued, _preparing for Germany was more important_.

     “Hey there rockstar.”

     Ashlyn flipped around, ready to be wrong but found Reagan instead. Her co-worker was leaning against the pillar there, closing the curtain back as she slipped through. She grinned at Ashlyn, holding up two shot glasses full of amber liquid. “Pre-show toast?”

     “Already had one,” Ashlyn said, but took it in her hand all the same. “What’s this?”

     “Liquid courage,” Regan replied, downing hers and putting the glass down on the table.

     “Liquid courage?” Ashlyn asked, wincing after downing the shot. “For what?”

     “This,” Regan said, reaching forward and taking Ashlyn’s face in her hands before pressing their mouths together.

     Ashlyn didn’t even have a moment to think before she felt a tongue slide into her mouth, swirling against her lips and her own tongue as she stood, mostly immobile. She felt Reagan’s hands move down her body, grasping at her chest and then her hips, pulling her ever closer as she continued to kiss her.

     A small spark in the pit of her stomach caused Ashlyn to move, place her hands on Reagan’s waist and grip at the edges of her shirt until a larger voice in the back of her head began to shout. _WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?_ She persisted, leaning more into Reagan’s body until Ali’s face swam into the forefront of her mind.

     “What are you doing, Ashlyn?” she asked, and the ache in Ashlyn’s heart was so strong that she nearly jumped, pushing Regan away by the hips.

     “What’s wrong?” Regan pulled back breathlessly, licking her lips. “Did I bite you?”

     “N-no,” Ashlyn said, shaking her head clear, feeling the delayed burn of alcohol in her chest. “I just – no, I’m sorry. I can’t.”

     “Why not?” Regan pouted, folding her arms across her chest. “I thought you guys broke up.”

     Another flash of Ali in her mind and Ashlyn slammed her eyes shut. “Yeah, we did. I just – I’m sorry. I’m not … I don’t want to.”

     “Right,” Regan said shortly. “I’m sorry, I guess I misunderstood.”

     “Misunderstood what?” Ashlyn asked incredulously. “Have I missed the vibes I’ve been giving you?” On Reagan’s outraged face, “Look, I think you should go back to the bar.”

     “Have a good show.” And she was gone, strutting back through the curtain so quickly that Ashlyn actually wondered _Did that just happen?_

     “Hey Ash!” Kelley’s voice rang out, “You ready?”

     “Uhm, yeah, on my way,” Ashlyn replied, grabbing her guitar from the table and walking out towards the stage.

     When she got there, the guys were already taking their spots to thunderous applause. Ashlyn was dazed to see the turnout, even more when she realized it was for her benefit. She waved as she came out from behind the curtain, turning and giving a smile to Kelley who gave her a thumbs up.

     “Are you guys ready to fucking rock?” Ricky asked into the mic, bobbing his head along to the shouts and yells from the crowd’s response.

     As Kelley hit her sticks for the countdown on their first song, Ashlyn had enough time to scan the crowd and take note of the lack of the one person she had wanted to see the most.  _That's fucking sorted then_ , she thought to herself before giving her first loud strum and willing herself to put Ali out of her head completely.

* * *

_Fucking idiot_ , Ali thought, the back door to Billy’s slamming shut behind her. _I’m a god damned fucking idiot_.

     She’d been watching the clock in her room, unable to ignore the endless ticks that took her closer to what she knew was show time for Velvet Moon that night. She and Christen had discussed it the day before after she’d come back from dinner with Kelley; the band had coordinated an effort to get Ashlyn some money after being left in her situation.

     Guilt in her heart, Ali knew that she would be going but hadn’t yet resolved when she would get there. It had become tradition for her to hang out through last minute set up, sitting at a table and doing homework if need be, but always there. Then she’d stand backstage with Ashlyn until the band went out, the two of them always sneaking in a make out or more if possible. Their routine was as constant as the stars and it was that thought alone that had Ali grabbing her keys at twenty till, hoping to catch Ashlyn before she had to go on stage.

 _What am I going to say?_ She thought as she drove, nervously tapping the steering wheel as she got closer to Billy’s. Any derivative of “I’m sorry” was likely to be a hit, but Ali didn’t know how to get all of it out before Ashlyn had to perform. In fact, remembering her snide remarks about the band, Ali felt even guiltier. She’d caused all of the trouble and the band was trying to help her.

     She parked in the back, in the space that Ashlyn’s truck typically occupied, and made her way towards the back door. She wasn’t quite sure how her _ex?_ girlfriend would take her sudden appearance, and Ali wasn’t keen on the idea of making a scene. As usual, the door was propped open and Ali went inside, hearing the rumbling conversations of the crowd in the main area of the bar.

     Ali walked down the short path by the back where the trash cans, mops and brooms were held, nervous energy building into butterflies. After six days, she was ready to say whatever she’d have to say to have Ashlyn in her arms again, particularly due to her impending trip. They’d gotten through hard things before, and if they were to last, they’d have to get through hard things again. All of it was worth it though, when she thought of Ashlyn’s smile, their hands intertwined.

     The back table came into view and just like Ali knew she would be, Ashlyn stood next to it, taking a shot. Just as she was about to call out however, she stopped in her tracks. The other bartender at Billy’s was there too, and the two of them were engaged in a kiss.

     Ali’s heart fell to the floor, stunned disbelief causing inaction as she stood and stared. She watched as Reagan slid her hands down and gripped Ashlyn’s hips, feeling bitterly jealous and wanting nothing more than to rip her limb from limb until … _Oh_ , she thought, watching Ashlyn grab her back. It seemed that the redhead’s fervor was being returned.

     Unable to bear it a moment longer, Ali spun on her heel and was gone, willing her mind to forget the image but it was burned into memory. She felt like she would never stop seeing the two of them wound together, never forget the way Reagan’s tongue had licked along Ashlyn’s bottom lip. The replay in her mind made her sick and as she climbed into her car, she actually dry heaved.

     “It hasn’t even been a fucking week,” she said aloud to her car, over the roar of acceleration as she exited the parking lot. “Not a fucking week has passed and she has her tongue down someone else’s throat.”

     Anger and disbelief swam around her mind, through her chest; slippery snakes tightening around her heart. She’d been wracked with guilt all week, been wrecked over their argument, wondering if there was still a relationship to be salvaged and Ashlyn hadn’t even had a second thought as she rebounded to the next pair of tits.

 _She isn’t going to miss me_ , Ali thought to herself, tears prickling the corners of her eyes. _She probably won’t even notice that I’m gone_. The thoughts raced through her mind over and over as she went back to Pi Beta Phi, repeating until she heard them in Ashlyn’s voice instead. _You’re the one who chose to leave. You’re the one that did this. This is your fault. I’m over you. I don’t love you anymore._

     Ali was so consumed with her anger until she ran smack into Knox where he waited at the edge of the porch, the envelope he’d had in his hands flying onto the ground.

     “Whoa!” he exclaimed, barely staying standing as he gripped onto Ali’s shoulders. “Where are you heading in such a hurry, space cadet?”

     “S-sorry,” Ali stammered, looking up at him in surprise. “I didn’t see you standing there.”

     “Clearly,” he smiled, reaching down and picking up the manila envelope. “Got something on your mind?”

     “No, I’m good,” she said, putting fake cheer into her voice. “What’s up? Why are you here?”

     “Wanted to see you about something,” he said, lifting the envelope. “I have a packet of stuff for that weekend we want to spend in Berlin. There are some excursions I thought we could take a look at.”

     “Sure,” Ali replied, motioning towards the door. “After you.”

     An hour later, Ali handed back a paper to him, tapping a circled picture with the end of her ballpoint pen. “ _This_ one,” she said, dropping the pen onto the table and picking up her bottle of beer. “I know I said I wanted to do the one with the castle and stuff, but I think this racetrack experience one would be the best.”

     “Ali Krieger likes fast cars?” Knox asked incredulously, finishing his bottle and placing it next to their considerable pile of empties. “You’re full of surprises.”

     Ali waggled her eyebrows at him, settling back into the corner of the couch and stretching her feet against his thigh. “Like an ogre, I have layers.”

     “You’re definitely not an ogre,” Knox said, shaking his head. “More like the princess.”

     “Ugh,” Ali groaned, “no more with that title. Plus,” she said, draining her beer, “might I point out that the princess was also an ogre.”

     “Fine, no princess and no ogre,” Knox said, settling back and picking up her feet to put them in his lap.

     “Then what am I?” Ali asked with a grin, ignoring the unsettling feeling rippling through her veins when the pad of his thumb rubbed against her ankle. Somewhere in the back of her head, she knew this wasn’t a good idea but then, her foot crossed over his crotch and the feel of his erection in his jeans made her stomach flip.

     “You?” he asked quietly, sliding his fingers up her bare calves. “You are unlike anything else.”

     “Mmm, what a line,” Ali whispered, pressing the tips of her toes against his inner thigh and feeling his hips lift against her touch.

     He shook his head, sliding one leg off of the couch and shifting until he was on his knees in between her thighs. They moved together, Ali lifting up and scooting back until he was almost right against her, their shirts touching as he reached an arm up to the back of the couch to hover over her. “Not a line,” he said softly, using his free hand to trace over her shoulder and along her collarbone.

     Ali shivered beneath him, responding to the touch of another person under the guidance of alcohol, but also listening to the warning bells in her head. _What are you doing?_ She thought of her earlier resolve, of the way she’d known to go to Ashlyn just like she had before. She recalled the way she’d been miserable all week waiting for some sort of resolution.

     But, she also shuddered thinking about Ashlyn gripping onto Reagan’s hips as they kissed. Yes, Ali was upset with the way things had played out, but she wasn’t about to be the idiot pining over someone else who’d moved on so quickly. Ignoring the pang in her chest, Ali reached forward and rubbed her thumb over his lip. “What do you want to do?” she asked, watching as his eyes fell closed at her touch.

     “Kiss you,” he murmured, full lips moving against her finger.

     “What are you waiting for then?” she asked, taking him by the collar and pulling him on top of her, and their lips together.

     Ali would be lying if she said she was successful in removing Ashlyn from her thoughts over the next forty-five minutes. Instead, as she lay under a blanket watching Knox pull his shorts back up, she found herself thinking for the second time in a week: _What the fuck have I done?_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting into the meat and potatoes. Everyone hang onto your hats.
> 
> Also, pray for Houston y'all. It's my hometown, my current city, and despite all of its idiosyncrasies, the place I love the most. Keep the city and its people in your thoughts, as well as the rest of the Gulf Coast.


	26. the hope of magnetism between two dead ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title says it all.

     “What about this one?” Kelley asked, but as she leaned onto the passenger door, her hip caught the side mirror just enough to send it clattering onto the pavement. “Or not.”

     “Not,” Ashlyn agreed, rolling her eyes and continuing down the aisle onto the next vehicle waiting in the dusty lot.

     It was a green Hyundai Accent which had glaringly obvious repaints over scratches and dents with no bother repairing the body. However, even though Ashlyn despised the color, which forcibly reminded her of Gumby, the price tag fell just below the paltry sum she had in her bank account from Velvet Moon’s last-minute relief effort show.

     “What do you think?” she asked her friend without looking back, the uninspired quirk of her lip speaking volumes.

     Kelley went silent as she approached, releasing a theatrical sigh before pursing her lip. “Well,” she paused, “you’d certainly stand out.”

     “Yeah, I hear you,” Ashlyn groaned. “But beggars can’t be choosers. Neither can broke ass ex-college students.”

     Kelley shrugged one shoulder. “True. We can take her for a spin, see what you think of how it drives.” She leaned in to look into the window, making a show of wiping away a layer of grime. Her hands cupped around her eyes as she searched, eventually calling back, “Well, to my surprise, it doesn’t look like you’ll have to Fred Flintstone your way around Colorado so I think this is the winner.”

     Ashlyn leaned down to pick up some pebbles from the ground, aiming them at the back of Kelley’s head. A few of them bounced off, some of the others clattering off of the hood. “Hey!” Kelley called, turning around and raising her arms to block the shot. “This is a very fancy vehicle. Watch it.”

     When Ashlyn shot her the finger, Kelley smiled. “Really, it’s not bad. It’s kind of cute. It has good personality.”

     Ashlyn sauntered up to the side, running her fingers along the door handle. She peered into the windows, leaning back to wipe away some dust herself. “Good personality,” she agreed. She looked once more at the garish neon pink and yellow circled price on the front windshield. “And it leaves me some money to get started.”

     “Yeah, California’s expensive,” Kelley said, reaching back to pull her phone from her pocket as the notification went off. Ashlyn wish she’d turned away from her, immediately recognizing the smile on her face and knowing Christen had sent her a message.

     “Yeah, maybe,” Ashlyn said, walking around the back of the car to fidget with the old antenna still sticking up from the trunk.

     “Huh?” Kelley asked, distracted, typing away on her phone and barely concealing a giggle.

     “I said _maybe_.” Ashlyn was annoyed, biting her lip against the shitty remark wishing to come out. _It’s not her fault we broke up,_ she reminded herself. _Don’t be that asshole._

     “Maybe what?” Kelley finally asked, sliding her phone back into her jeans. “I’m pretty sure everyone universally agrees that California is about as expensive as you can get.”

     “I don’t know,” Ashlyn said, jamming her hands in her front pockets and walking along down the aisle. “Mac’s been getting kind of jerked around by the gallery owners he knows out there. He said he’s not as confident as he was at the start that he’s going to be able to do a solid tour.”

     “What does that mean?” Kelley inquired, catching up to her as they surveyed a red VW Beetle. “Where would you go instead?”

     “He said he knows people in Washington and Oregon. Maybe we’ll be going up there instead.”

     “So, like, hiking instead of surfing then?” Kelley asked with a grin.

     “Apparently,” Ashlyn said, smiling. “That’s fine with me. I like the mountains anyway. Really, anywhere but here is kind of my attitude right now.”

     “Fair enough,” Kelley agreed. She let the silence sit between them as they wandered down a few more cars, neither looking at any one they passed. “So …”

     “So?”

     “So, she wasn’t there.” The words sat heavy in the air and at first Kelley thought that perhaps they wouldn’t speak about it at all until Ashlyn folded her arms across her chest and kicked at the ground with the toe of her shoe.

     “Nope, she wasn’t.” Ashlyn didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to bring it up but she couldn’t hide her disappointment. “I thought Christen told you she’d be there.”

     “She did,” Kelley emphasized. “We talked a little bit about it, despite our usual unspoken agreement to not discuss y’all’s relationship. With her being Ali’s best friend and me being yours, it seems the best course of action to keep us from --"

     When the words caught in Kelley’s mouth, Ashlyn gave her a rueful smile. “To keep you guys from ending up like us?”

     “I didn’t say that,” Kelley said hastily. “It’s not what I meant. I just meant, you know, to keep us from getting into it.”

     “It’s alright,” Ashlyn sighed. “I don’t want you guys to argue over our shit anyway. That would be even more stupid than us arguing over our shit. Or not arguing, I guess is what we’re doing now.”

     “It’s like the Cold War,” Kelley said. “You know there’s some hardcore aggression but no one’s doing anything.”

     “Well, the ball’s in her court. She said she’d be there and she wasn’t. I’m done being the one to extend the olive branches and run to her promising to change everything about me to make her happy.” Ashlyn kicked more at the ground, working herself up. “Fuck it. She’s leaving tomorrow anyway, right? If she wanted to fix it before she left, she would’ve been at the show. If she’s not concerned, then I’m not going to be the idiot sitting here wishing it would be different. I’ve got to do what’s best for me, you know?”

     “I do,” Kelley said with a careful nod.

     They went silent again, Kelley unwilling to get Ashlyn going on a tirade and Ashlyn exhausted from discussing the breakup to death. She felt as though her entire life had been dialed down to her recent change in her relationship status, despite all of the other giant events that had taken place. She supposed she was partially to blame as she was refusing to speak to Ali to find any sort of resolution, but she knew it was time to start looking at the rest of her life.

     There’d been days where she looked at Ali as she slept in her arms, or as she fixed her makeup smudges from heated make-out sessions, or as she rambled on and on about the soccer team and the German club and all of the other things she was involved in, and she couldn’t imagine her life without her. There’d been times that Ashlyn would’ve sworn that she’d grow old with Ali, that they were meant to be.

     But Ali had changed that. Each of her actions recently kept reinforcing Ashlyn’s idea that she no longer wished to be in a relationship. She seemed keener on the idea of becoming whoever she wanted to be, despite the feelings of another person. In the deepest corners of her heart, she knew that this wasn’t inherently selfish, but all of her hurt feelings stood in the way of wishing her well. It was enough that Ashlyn had made up her mind to take the same attitude: _I’m going to put myself first_.

 _Start by not spending every fucking second thinking of her then_ , Ashlyn thought to herself, annoyed that she wasn’t focusing on the task at hand. It was then that she really started looking at the sleek Saturn Ion in front of her, a deep shiny black that didn’t seem to be hiding much cosmetic damage. She gave it a proper walk around, admiring the body shape and style, trying as hard as she could to look into the very dark tinted windows. With a crane of her head she saw that the price was right, even in competition with Gumby four cars down, even though it had fifty thousand less miles on it.

     “I think this is it,” Ashlyn announced. She ran her finger down the very short list of features. “It’s got spunk.”

     “That might be all it’s got,” Kelley mumbled, looking over her shoulder at the list. “It doesn’t even have a CD player.”

     “Thank God I have a ton of cassettes,” Ashlyn said brightly. “This is it, Kel. This is my new guy.”

     “Mazel tov,” Kelley responded. “You have to name him.”

     Ashlyn thought for a minute then grinned. “Frank.”

     “Frank?” Kelley asked. “Frank … furter? Frank Lloyd Wright? Frank Sinatra?”

     “Frank Black,” Ashlyn responded and Kelley just blinked in response. “Frank Black? Pixies? Debaser?”

     “Oh!” Kelley said with recognition. “From Guitar Hero!”

     Ashlyn sighed and wrapped her arm around Kelley’s shoulder, turning her around. “Let’s go find the sales guy.”

* * *

     “You’re much better at this than I am,” Ali pouted, watching Christen easily zip her last suitcase closed.

     “I didn’t even have to box with it like you did,” Christen teased. She picked it up from the floor, rolling it over to stand next to the other by the door. She took a look around the room for what felt like the thousandth time, mentally going over the list that she had written down next to Ali; the list that was littered with so many redundant checkmarks from just how many times she’d ensured she’d packed everything.

     “It’s just a summer, Chris,” Ali said, leaning back onto the bed that had been covered in an extra set of sheets. “You’re going to be back in this exact room in less than two months.”

     “I know,” Christen replied, distracted as she bent down to go through her makeup organizer once more. “I just want to –“

     “Make sure you have everything, I know,” Ali sighed, rolling her eyes. “If you were any more prepared, I’d think you’d have already mailed your stuff to Georgia.”

     “That would be _crazy_ ,” Christen said, her eyes going wide. “I can hardly breathe I’m so nervous.”

     Ali smiled. “It’s like meeting the parents any other time. You’ve met your ex-boyfriends’ families, haven’t you?”

     “Well sure,” Christen replied, “the two times that I had a boyfriend.” She sat down on the floor, leaning back against her dresser and facing Ali. She rubbed her hands over her face, groaning as she did. “I’ve never dated a girl before Ali. This is like … the _first_ time I’ve ever even looked at a girl like that.”

     “Like you want to rip her clothes off and bang her on the bar?” Ali teased.

     “Shut up,” Christen blushed. “I don’t look at her like that.”

     Ali shrugged. “You don’t look at her like you want to be study buddies.”

     Christen smiled down at her lap, replaying a memory. Ali’s heart ached, her mind immediately recalling the times she and Ashlyn studied in their rooms together. _Or at least we started to study_ , she thought with a soft smile that almost immediately disappeared. The thought of Ashlyn still sent her stomach into knots; a mixture of anger and guilt that she churned together in equal measures.

     She hadn’t spoken much with Knox since their drunken hookup. In fact, he didn’t say much as he left, making up some excuse as to why he had to suddenly leave. Ali hadn’t been bothered, had in fact been happy to see him go. She was unable to explain to herself exactly why she’d so brazenly gone forward with seducing him. Or was she seduced? The details seemed confused in her head; she was so out of her mind with jealousy over Ashlyn kissing Reagan that she didn’t think she’d been truly conscious of her decisions until she sat in the shower that night, spray as hot as she could stand as she tried her hardest to stay silent as she cried.

     Ali looked up at Christen as she typed out a message on her phone, biting her lip against the words she wanted to say. _I have to confess something_ ; her heart screamed to be unburdened of its secret. She hadn’t had the nerve to tell Christen about Knox, hadn’t been able to even look herself in the mirror properly since. Part of her felt furious; she was a grown woman, had been made very clear that she was no longer anyone’s girlfriend. Why should she feel so guilty over making a decision about her own sexuality?

     But as soon as the flash of anger began to simmer, the bald reality set in. She knew _exactly_ why she felt so bad over it. They had barely been broken up for a week. She’d slept with Knox after a six pack and a few lame flirtatious comments. Sure, she’d known he’d been interested in her through their time in the German club together, as well as their few shared classes, but it wasn’t something she ever expected to reciprocate. But he’d been sitting there on her couch, telling her how special she was and her heart felt so trampled by the sight of Ashlyn’s hands around Reagan’s waist that the sparkle in a handsome guy’s eye had been enough …

     She closed her eyes as she took a quiet deep breath, allowing the sound to disappear in the rustling of Christen going through her closet once more. She had an entire plane ride, as well as the ensuing six months, to replay her lapse in judgement over and over. Might as well give it a rest for now and enjoy the remaining time with her best friend.

     “How’s Kelley?” she asked, catching Christen’s grin as she put her phone down.

     “She’s good. She’s with,” but then she stopped, immediately stammering out, “I mean, she’s fine. She’s out and about.”

     Ali nearly laughed at the gaffe of Christen trying to be discreet and failing miserably. “I know who she’d be out with, Chris.”

     Christen went pink again. “Sorry, I just … didn’t know if you wanted to ever talk about her again.”

     Ali did her best to smile bravely. “She’s your girlfriend’s best friend.”

     “She’s a bit more than that,” Christen said softly. She crossed to sit next to Ali on the bed, lifting her feet to fold under her. They let a few moments pass as Ali attempted to focus entirely on the pattern of ivy and leaves on Christen’s old set of sheets. “You haven’t said much about her.”

     Ali attempted a blasé, one armed shrug. “Dating girls is hard. Don’t forget I told you this early on, okay?” She laughed weakly before looking up at Christen’s sympathetic smile. “What?”

     “Why didn’t you go to the show?” she asked. “I mean, it’s none of my business but … You said you were going to go when we talked about it the day before and I kind of thought it was your way of saying you wanted to fix it. But I looked for you the whole show and ---“ She trailed off, biting her lip.

     “And?” Ali asked. “And what?”

     “Well,” Christen started, looking down at her hands twisting together. “See, I’d been excited about it because I thought you guys were gonna be able to talk it out and so I told Kelley you’d said you were going and then she –“

     “She told Ashlyn that I was coming,” Ali said without question. She rolled her eyes, disgusted. “Well then you’d think that she’d have acted accordingly.”

     “What does that mean?” Christen asked, watching Ali as she tried to keep her face passive. “Ali?”

     Ali sighed, shrugging. “She certainly wasn’t acting like she cared, that’s all.” Upon Christen’s blank stare, she continued. “She wouldn’t have noticed me coming through the back door at Billy’s anyway considering she was too busy shoving her tongue down that fucking redheaded bitch’s throat.”

     Christen’s eyes went wide. “Wait, what?”

     Ali nodded. “Mhmm. I showed up to meet her where we always hung out before her shows. I wanted to talk and let her know I was there to … I don’t know, support her? But when I got back there, she had Reagan pretty much exactly where she used to have me. Just days after we broke up.” She ignored the hot swoop of guilt through her stomach as Knox’s blissful sighs went through her head.

     “She … wait, with Reagan? She was kissing her?”

     “God, she was _more_ than kissing her,” Ali said, her brow furrowing. “They were like, all over each other. Ash had her around the waist and Reagan’s hands were in her hair. It was gross. I’m surprised I didn’t throw up all over them. Maybe I should’ve.”

     Christen looked down, confused expression on her face. “I don’t understand … When I’ve talked to Kel, Ashlyn seems pretty upset about you not being there.”

     “Of course, she’d be,” Ali said. “I’m sure she doesn’t know I saw her hooking up with Reagan.”

     The room went silent save for a few vibrations from Christen’s phone that went unanswered. Christen finally slid over a bit more, leaning her head onto Ali’s shoulder, reaching her hand behind to pull her close. Ali bit her tongue to keep from crying, wanting now more than anything to tell Christen about what she’d done. She was still angry, still hurt, but the moral compass in her head knew that there was a glaring imbalance.

     “Maybe … Maybe some time is a good thing,” Christen said quietly as she nuzzled into Ali’s shoulder. “Maybe you guys just need a little bit of time to reset. Germany is a good thing.”

     Ali thought of her impending international flight with someone she’d like to never see again, much less share a row on an airplane and then student housing in another country. “Yeah,” she laughed humorlessly. “Maybe it is.”

* * *

      Ashlyn knew she should’ve kept driving.

     She knew that she should’ve continued down the street, taken the left turn and then the two following rights that would’ve led her straight to Taco Bell and a Crunchwrap Supreme. She knew that she shouldn’t have pulled up the curb, shouldn’t have put Frank in park, and she _definitely_ shouldn’t have looked up to check if Ali’s bedroom light was on.

     However, she hadn’t kept driving. She wasn’t holding a bag of junk food. She had pulled up to the curb and put her car in park and Ali’s bedroom light was the only one on in the house. She tried to tell herself that she wouldn’t have stayed if she hadn’t seen her light on, but as she climbed out of the car she knew it was a lie.

     In the short walk to the front door, she replayed what felt like the thousands of times she’d retraced these steps. Mostly, they were all with joy in her heart at the idea that either Ali was with her or she would be shortly; very few times was she unhappy to be on that particular bit of sidewalk, and never this nervous. Even at their worst times before this, it was never this foreboding. The darkness of the porch, so typically lit with twinkle lights strung along the railing, seemed to tell her “abandon all hope, ye who enter here”.

     She lingered on the doormat before ringing the bell. She didn’t bother texting, though once she heard the chimes echo inside, she realized that it probably would’ve been for the best. She didn’t want to put Ali immediately at unease from wondering who the hell was showing up to her house at one in the morning. The ache in her chest reminded her that even just a week ago, perhaps this wouldn’t have been so strange.

     Still, Ashlyn watched as the stairway and entry lights came on through the front door glass. She took a few steps back, jamming her hands in her pockets to clear the nervous moisture gathered on her palms. Suddenly, she wanted to run away, back to the safety of her car. What was she playing at? What was the goal here? In roughly twelve hours, Ali was going to be on the first leg of the trip that would take her so very far away for such a very long time. Was there even time to hope for … anything?

     Ashlyn knew that the front stoop was visible from a certain place in the foyer, especially with the lights turned on, so when she heard the click of the door unlocking, she at least felt some encouragement from the fact that Ali was well aware of who was waiting. Those positive feelings mostly drained away once the door was swung open, Ali leaning against it with her arms folded across her chest.

     “It’s one in the morning, Ashlyn. What do you want?” Ali asked flatly.

     Ashlyn gruffly cleared her throat. “Hi to you, too, Al.”

     Ali pursed her lips, pausing before continuing. “Hi Ashlyn. What do you want?”

 _So, you’re not going to make this easy, are you?_ Ashlyn thought, taking a deep breath.

     “You’re up late,” she said, rocking back and forth on her heels. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping with your flight tomorrow, er, today?”

     “You know, I _should_ ,” Ali said sarcastically. “Except I’m having to entertain unexpected guests in the middle of the night who don’t seem to be keen on getting to the point of their visit.”

     Ashlyn’s brow furrowed. “Aren’t you at least partially happy to see me?”

     Ali cocked an eyebrow. “Why would I be?”

     Hesitantly, Ashlyn answered. “Because we haven’t gone this long without speaking … ever.”

     Ali sighed, dropping one arm to her side and bringing the other hand to her face. She tapped her toes on the wooden floor of the foyer, leaning more against the door for support as she internally debated. Resigned, she stepped back and opened the door fully, wordlessly inviting Ashlyn inside, who took advantage without hesitation.

     Ashlyn began walking up the stairs, force of habit, but heard Ali behind her. “No,” she said. “We can sit in here.”

     “Oh,” Ashlyn mumbled. “Okay. Sure.”

     “I just … All of my stuff is packed up. There’s not much to sit on up there and really,” Ali said, looking around the room, “there’s no point in cooping up. No one’s here. Everyone’s either gone for the summer or the people who stay during are all out for the weekend.”

     Ashlyn grinned, plopping down into one of the big armchairs. “I don’t think the house has ever been this quiet. I’m surprised you’re not blasting 90s girl band CDs just to fill the void.”

     But Ali didn’t smile in response, and Ashlyn’s face fell. She cleared her throat, waiting for Ali to speak, but considering the way she was studying her fingernails, Ashlyn decided to press on.

     “Al … Ali,” she started, looking down at her own hands. “I know you’re leaving tomorrow, and I know shit has gotten really fucked up.” She paused as Ali scoffed. “I _know_. But …” Ashlyn looked up to meet Ali’s eyes, beseeching, “Babe, I don’t want you to leave like this.”

     “Like what?” Ali asked quietly.

     “Us not talking. I’m not saying we have to like, fix it all and immediately say it’s all back to normal but I don’t want my girlfriend to go to the other side of the world while we’re –“

     “What?” Ali asked, cutting her off. “Your what?”

     “Girlfriend?” Ashlyn asked hesitantly. “Um. You _are_ my girlfriend, right?”

     Ali laughed humorlessly, the sound grating in Ashlyn’s ears. “That’s fucking hilarious coming from you.”

     “I don’t know what that means. Can you enlighten me?” She asked, perturbed.

     Ali just shook her head, folding her arms across her chest again as she leaned back into the couch cushion opposite the room. “You’ve got some fucking nerve.”

     “Again, I’m a bit behind it seems. Why is the idea of you being my girlfriend angering you so much?” Ashlyn racked her mind as she waited for Ali’s answer. They had traded more than a few barbs, each with significant poison, but there were no final banishments. At least, she hadn’t thought that there were. Sure, they hadn’t spoken and she was angry that Ali hadn’t come to the show, but there’d been no “this is over”. How could they not be girlfriends suddenly?

     “Maybe ask Reagan,” Ali spit finally. “I’m sure she’d be equally pissed at the idea.”

     Ashlyn blinked multiple times. _How the fuck …?_ “I don’t understand.”

     “Okay, well maybe she’s fine knowing you have a girlfriend which makes her even more of a shitty person in addition to being a shitty fucking bartender.” As Ashlyn opened and closed her mouth in bafflement, Ali barreled on. “Also, tell her that no matter what she thinks, all of us know she’s not a natural fucking redhead and her roots look terrible.”

     “What are you _talking_ about, Ali?” Ashlyn asked. “How did you …? No, what? I—I’m so confused.”

     “I _saw_ you, Ashlyn, Jesus.” Ali glared at her, daggers ripping through Ashlyn’s chest. “I went to the fucking show. I saw you two together backstage.”

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_.

     “Ali,” Ashlyn started, hands up in peace. “It’s not what you think.”

     Again, the jeering laughter echoed through the room, so cold against Ashlyn’s memories of her bright, warm giggles. “That is such bullshit, Ashlyn. Don’t bring that here.”

     “Seriously,” Ashlyn insisted. “It wasn’t … Look, I didn’t know you were even there.”

     “That’s not a brilliant excuse. ‘I didn’t know you were there watching me make out with some bimbo from the bar so it doesn’t count’. Try again.”

     Ashlyn shook her head clear as she tried her hardest to organize the screaming chaos in her mind. It was all going wrong, it was all blowing up further instead of mending. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t supposed to get _worse_.

     “Ali … Kissing her was a mistake. Let me explain. The way I feel about us –” But Ali interjected.

     “There is no ‘us’, Ashlyn. Both of us have moved on. It’s time to deal with it like adults.”

     Silence. Silence save for the high-pitched ringing that started in Ashlyn’s ears. _We’ve moved on? We?_ Ashlyn looked up at Ali’s face and where there was previously just churning fury, there was also now stubborn guilt. _Could be at fucking Taco Bell_ , she thought savagely as her stomach dropped to the floor. “Both of us?”

     The length of a heartbeat was all that stood between the two spheres of Ashlyn’s reality. On one side was them, together. Ashlyn and Ali. Love and the best intentions and goofy faces and lazy Sunday morning sex. On the other side was nothing but stark blackness, a complete venture into the unknown and as Ali nodded, Ashlyn felt herself tumble into the void.

     “Both of us.” Her voice was quieter, as though the admission was harder to say than she expected it to be. “You seemed pretty confident, so I was too.”

     “Ali …” But the words died in Ashlyn’s throat. Suddenly, there was only one question that needed to be asked, one that could silence any others that would hope to come after. “Who?”

     “Does it matter?” Ali asked, scathing.

     “Fucking _who_ , Ali?” Ashlyn demanded.

     Silence as they stared each other down and Ashlyn was already vacating her heart for the demolition crews to come in before Ali could even get the name out. “Knox.”

     In a way, she wasn’t surprised; a way that infuriated her and made her horrifyingly sad and lit a fire through her chest. Of course. He was at the heart of all of it, it seemed. Every time she turned around, every time something went wrong with Ali, he was there. Of _course_ , that’s who Ali would run to.

     Ashlyn just nodded. “Should’ve known.”

     “Should’ve known what?” Ali asked, eyes narrowing.

     Ashlyn’s lip curled cruelly as she smirked. “All you bisexuals are the fucking same.”

     “Excuse me?” The fury was reigniting, Ali’s fists balling.

     Ashlyn stood up, sliding her phone into her back pocket and shrugging like she couldn’t care less if she tried. “Remember the art show? Remember our talk about bisexuals? Well, let’s be honest. This is what happens with all of you, right? You wanna be edgy in college and then run back to the first dick that you find?”

     “Fuck you,” Ali spit, rising to her feet. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

     “Why don’t you ask yourself,” Ashlyn gritted out, “exactly _why_ I hooked up with Reagan so quickly?”

     “Because you’re too fucking afraid of your own shadow to be alone?”

     “Because,” Ashlyn said, crossing to the door and wrenching it open, “it’s nice to be with another fucking lesbian. Less worry about finding out _after_ the fact how many dicks have been there.”

     “Get the fuck out of here,” Ali repeated to Ashlyn’s back as she went down the steps, face burning red. “Get the fuck out and never, ever fucking come here again.”

     “Not a fucking chance in hell, princess,” Ashlyn said, shooting the peace sign behind her. “Not if you begged.”

     “You fucking _asshole_!” Ali cried, following her down the walk and shouting at her back. “God, you’re such a – such a –“

     “Newsflash,” Ashlyn said from across the top of her car as she wrenched the door open. “I don’t give a shit what you think anymore.” Then she got in her car, cranked the ignition and slammed her foot down on the gas so hard that the tires squealed against the pavement as she drove away.

     It wasn’t until she was an hour away, driving aimlessly north through a haze of fog and her own tears did she begrudgingly admit to herself just how much that last statement had been a lie.

* * *

      **Chrissssssyyyy** : really though, are you ok?

      **Ali** : girl, im FINE. im not gonna let her bs fuck up this trip

      **Chrissssssyyyy** : :/

      **Ali** : ive had two gin and tonics – im totally fine lol lets talk about u

     Ali sighed as she laid her phone down on her lap, leaning back in the uncomfortable armchair at the gate. She had her feet propped up on her carry-on, somehow trying to get in the best position possible for sleep. The first connecting flight to New York had been delayed, which at first gave Ali the happy opportunity to have another (very strong) drink, but was now becoming a nuisance as she just wanted to sleep.

     Of course, it didn’t help that she’d stayed up the rest of the night crying on the couch, alternating between reliving their argument and remembering what had happened there. Around the time the sun came up, Ali gave up any idea of sleep and suited up for a run which turned into a walk around sleepy downtown Boulder and a stop at Starbucks for a quad shot latte.

     A burst of laughter three rows of chairs down caught her attention and she looked up to see most of the rest of the German club hanging around a charging station, their devices all plugged in around each other as they took turns posing for group pictures. She was envious of their joy, wished more than anything that she could go over and partake; this was something she’d been looking forward to and all she wanted to do was crawl into her bed in Virginia and not emerge until September, at minimum.

      **Chrissssssyyyy** : well, our red eye was less than enjoyable, even if it was cheap. It was super sweet though, her mom and dad picked us up from the airport and had donuts waiting. They were really nice!

     Ali smiled down at her phone, enjoying vicarious happiness, even if it was fleeting. She pictured Christen sitting in Kelley’s family’s home, laughing over photo albums and doing whatever else they had planned for the week. She wished her best friend well, wanted nothing more than absolute success, but suddenly she knew she couldn’t keep up the appearance much longer.

      **Ali** : that’s really great babe, im really happy for u xo

     It wasn’t the right time to go into gory details. It was enough to have told her they argued and were well over. She’d pick another time to Skype her, another time to bring her down. She wanted Christen to enjoy the start of her holidays, as well as the first time meeting a girlfriend’s family. Best to just sit back and try to sleep until the plane got there.

     “Ali?”

     She knew the voice as soon as she heard it, delaying her opening her eyes. Sure enough, Knox stood in front of her, hopeful smile on his face. “Hey,” she said, trying to inject as much cheeriness as she could. “What’s up?”

     “You look like you’re trying to sleep but uh …” he turned back around, facing the group of other students and then back to her. “We’re trying to get some shots for the Facebook group. Do you mind coming over to take a few with us?”

     She couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes bounced over her, not making direct contact. Whatever it was, whatever his awkwardness was, she was grateful for it. On top of everything, she didn’t think she could deal with him thinking Germany was going to be their chance at a relationship. At least this way, she thought she might be able to avoid having the “that was just a one-time thing” talk.

     “Sure,” she said, forcing a smile. “Let’s do it.”

     Fifteen minutes later, everyone’s phones had more than thirty different pictures of different shots and groups and poses, and it seemed everyone was done with the festivity.

     “No really,” Jonathan said, crossing back to sit down next to his giant Adidas duffle. “That last one was it for me. I don’t care whose eyes were closed this time. I’m done.”

     “Same,” Ali said, smiling and walking back towards her seat. “I’m going to retreat back to my corner now.”

     She walked back, picking up her phone to scroll through the shots. With a grin, she picked out a few that would grace social media, making sure to always go with the ones that had the best view of her cute new boots. She tapped on the Facebook icon and started scrolling through her news feed out of habit, nearly clicking on “add a photo” before Ashlyn’s name caught her eye.

_Ashlyn Harris went from “in a relationship” to “single”._

     The stupid little broken heart icon. What the fuck did Facebook know about it? Ali had stayed up all night reliving the worst twenty-minute conversation she’d ever had and all they had to show for it was a stupid fucking pink broken heart. _Fuck you, Mark Zuckerberg_ , she thought savagely. _And fuck you_ – how childish was immediately changing social media? Wasn’t it enough to just let it go?

     Still, as she added the picture that had the best shot of she and Knox looking at each other and laughing during that particular group pose and tapped “share”, she wondered what the limits on “childish” were exactly.

* * *

     “Hah!” Ashlyn said triumphantly as she finally forced her trunk closed. Everything she needed was packed nice and neat, and she actually had room for her bag of snacks in the front seat. Despite the three hours it had taken, she was finally rather proud of herself.

      **Kel** : Hey dude, you on the road yet?

     Ashlyn pulled her phone from her back pocket, thumbing a quick response.

      **Ashlyn** : Just about. I finally got my trunk to close, lol. What are you guys doing?

      **Kel** : I’m taking her to go by my old schools and stuff so she can see where I grew up. I know, I know. Cheesy, huh?

      **Ashlyn** : Only a little :) I’ll let it slide because you’re really giddy about her.

      **Kel** : Thanks bud. Let me know when you’re on the road, okay? Mama bear worries. :P

     Ashlyn chuckled as she slid into her front seat, putting her phone in the cup holder while she did another checklist to ensure she had everything. Phone. Car charger. Keys. Atlas. Snack bag. Water. Tunes. She popped in a Smashing Pumpkins cassette and readied her lungs for singing. She could use some nice, mournful songs as she drove for the first eight hours.

     She hadn’t allowed herself much to dwell on the conversation with Ali. Truly, it was all too much. It had felt like her brain said “okay, can’t do it”, and shut off where she was concerned. She’d ended up making it to the taco mecca and as she sat in the line with all of the drunk, post outing people, she had made a hasty decision to update her relationship status on Facebook. Sure, it was fast and it seemed like something high schoolerish, but the less pictures she had to immediately see of Ali, the better.

     Today was the first day of driving for her trip with Mac. Now that she was packed and ready, she was supposed to give him a call to let him know she was heading down his way and would be ready to start driving. Today was meant to be the first day of the new direction her life was taking. As much as she wanted to give her feelings due diligence, she didn’t want to miss the feelings of excitement and fear and anxiety and joy that were to be found in big, new steps.

     As she picked up her phone to call Mac, she saw she had a Facebook notification. Apparently even though she’d changed her relationship status, she still had to remove the alerts each time Ali posted something. As she went to clear it, she saw the thumbnail of a group picture and her curiosity got the better of her.

_Of. Fucking. Course._

     There they were, the two of them standing side by side and fucking laughing with each other in a group of people. What the fuck? Insult to injury? Ashlyn’s skin prickled with anger, trying to forget the image that seemed to have burned itself into the back of her mind. _Fine,_ she thought. _Fine._ With a few more taps, she had a window pop up.

    _Are you sure you want to remove Ali Krieger as a friend?_

     Despite the fact that it was just a dumb website on the internet, it felt like the final nail in the coffin for some reason. Everything had changed so quickly, everything had been so out of control. They’d burned so bright and so huge that Ashlyn supposed that perhaps she shouldn’t be entirely surprised. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe it really, truly was, even without saying it for effect.

     One thing was clear: they were no longer good for each other the way they once were. She was sad thinking about the days she’d spent dreaming about their future, dreaming about their kids and their grandkids, about vacations and anniversaries that she’d never see. She knew that beyond the stubbornness of her brain that was refusing to delve too deeply into her raw emotion, she’d have to properly mourn the loss of it.

     Still, as she clicked to confirmed, she had one more thought: _today is not that day_.

     As soon as she closed her app, her phone rang, Mac’s face and his double thumbs up flashing on her screen.

     “Hey you,” she said, smiling. “What’s up?”

     “Change in plans, kiddo. Let’s test your flexibility.” There was noise in the background that Ashlyn figured was him packing.

     “Hit me,” she said cautiously.

     “How do you feel about New York city?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go: "four years, no calls". Don't worry -- the gap won't take longer than two chapters.
> 
> I initially had this chapter broken down into two different ones but I'm with you guys on it being dragged out, especially with the time in between updates. Also, I have the next chapter already written, and as soon as I finish the one after I'll post back to back.
> 
> PSA: Ashlyn's shitty opinion on bisexuals is not my opinion lol I just want that to be known before the pitchforks come. She had to be such an asshole so it could be a plot device later.


	27. there's distance & there's silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali's perspective of time.

**2012**

     The semester abroad was passing by quickly; it was nearly October before Ali looked up and noticed the world around her. It’d been so easy to fall into routine when she’d arrived in Berlin and taken up residence in the dormitory at Freie Universitat. At first, she’d been nervous, horribly so; how was she going to acclimate to an entirely new country for nearly six months? It was one thing to take German courses through high school and college, but another to adapt to life there.

     It turned out that life in Europe suited her well. After an intensive pre-semester course, she started her classes and that was that. It felt as natural as life back in Boulder, if she were honest with herself. The only difference, of course, was the occasional stall in automatic translation in her head when she was speaking to natives. Other than that, she enjoyed her coursework, enjoyed both the students in the study abroad program as well as the attendees of the Universitat, and she loved the atmosphere of Berlin.

     The university was located in a nearby suburb, but it was very easy for Ali to navigate the train system that lead into the heart of Berlin. Very quickly, she was spending nearly every free moment exploring the capital. She made some friends who’d lived in the German countryside for their entire lives who were therefore just as excited as she was to see what all the bustling metropolis had to offer.

     It took nearly six weeks for the situation with Knox to come to a head. Ali was in her single dorm room, packing for another weekend away in Berlin. She was going with two of the girls from the floor to stay in a hostel and attend a two-day music and food festival, and had just an hour to pack her things before they were scheduled to leave. Just as she’d stuffed two pairs of socks into her weekend bag, she heard a knock at the door, and turned around to see him standing there, leaning against the jamb with his hands in his pockets.

     “Going somewhere?” he asked with a friendly smile.

     She inwardly groaned; she’d been avoiding him. It’d been awkward at first when the small contingent of UC Boulder students had all flocked together, but now that most of the students had branched out to make new friend groups, most of them were dispersed. Still, she was sure to turn down the first corridor available when she saw him coming and avoid any activity he was already in. She felt guilty, but not nearly enough to engage.

     “Yep,” Ali nodded. “I’m heading to that music festival in south Berlin this weekend with Hanna and Sophie.” She made a show of checking her watch and gave him a frantic smile. “I’ve gotta meet them at the train station in about fifty minutes. What’s up? What are your plans for the weekend?”

     “Not much,” he said with a shrug. “I think I’m going to stay in town. I was uhm … I was wondering if we could have dinner.” When Ali paused, he rambled forward. “I mean, not this weekend obviously. I know you have plans, but uh, how about Monday or Tuesday?”

     Ali debated internally. Was it better to nip it in the bud now, or let it languish? It wasn’t exactly fun to keep dodging him, but she didn’t know how he’d take it. He’d always been sweet to her, but she figured that was to get in her pants. Now that he had, was he likely to become the type of guy she’d always avoided? Should she face the karmic justice that had possibly followed her from Colorado?

     “Your silence is reassuring,” he joked. “Can we talk?”

     “Er, sure,” Ali said, making sure to sit anywhere but on her bed when he took the desk chair. She opted instead for the top of her mini refrigerator. “What’s up?”

     “I, uhm, wanted to talk about … you know, what happened,” he said, looking between the window shades and his own palms. “You know, between us before we got here.”

     “Right,” Ali said, equally avoidant. “What about it?”

     “I don’t mean to make it weird, and I wanted to have dinner so we could you know, talk more formally but I haven’t seen you much.”

     Ali blushed. “Sorry. I know. I’ve just –“

     “It’s okay. I probably should’ve talked to you before we left so you’d know before we got here what I thought.” He looked down again, focusing on the stitching of his jeans, and bit his lip.

     Ali’s stomach churned. _Oh boy._ She wished for a fire drill, an alien attack; anything that would require immediacy in vacating the room as quickly as possible. “Err … So … what _do_ you think?”

     He took a deep breath. “I don’t think we should date.”

     “Knox, I … Wait. You _don’t_ think we should date?” Ali tried to keep the perplexity she felt from showing on her face.

     He shook his head bashfully. “No, I don’t. I’m sorry.”

     Ali slowly nodded. “Right, of course. That’s … um. Yeah.”

     “It’s not … I mean, I’m not going to say that … Okay, I have to be honest, right? Cause honesty is best when you want to stay friends.”

     “Please,” she said. “Go ahead and say what’s on your mind.”

     “Please don’t think I have a problem with your sexuality, because I’m like, I’m not the type of guy that’s threatened or anything like that,” he started, and when he saw Ali’s eyes go wide, he held his hands up in defense. “No really, I promise. It’s not a problem for me that you date girls. It’s just that I know you were pretty serious with that Ashlyn girl before we hooked up and I just, you know, don’t want to be rebound.”

     Ali blinked slowly, trying to drink in exactly what he was saying. “You don’t want to be rebound,” she repeated.

     He shook his head sheepishly. “I mean, I think you’re great and stuff, and I really like hanging out with you, but I just think that you want more out of this than I do, and I’m not sure you’re ready to jump into another relationship.”

     “You’re right,” Ali said mechanically. Now that she was really hearing him, she was trying to keep her stunned laughter in. “I shouldn’t um, try to jerk you around like that. I’m sorry.”

     “It’s okay, really. I know breakups are hard. I just think we’re better as friends, that’s all. I mean, until you’ve had time to get over the split. I think you’re great, Ali. But if we want this to work, we should wait until you’re ready.”

     The obvious sincerity in his voice, the way he was baldly displaying his, clearly wrong, assumptions, Ali couldn’t allow herself to laugh in his face. She’d been spending all of her time avoiding him because she thought he wanted something more out of it, and truly, she wasn’t even interested in friendship. Yet here he was, acting as though she were the one clinging. _Boys,_ she thought, wishing she could roll her eyes.

     “You’re totally right,” Ali said, shrugging apologetically. “I’m not over Ashlyn.” She was proud of the way that she only partially stumbled over her name. She didn’t realize it at the time, but it was the first time she’d said it aloud since leaving Denver.

     “Hug it out?” he asked, and before she could politely decline, he was approaching her with his arms wide and she just let it happen. He wrapped around her, holding her tightly and swaying the lightest bit. Ali held onto his mid waist, blinking into the sleeve of his sweatshirt as he kissed her head. “Just not time yet,” he murmured, and pulled away.

     She nodded, hoping to infuse it with the right amount of disappointment and watched him leave the room. Not wishing to waste another minute, or give him the opportunity to double back should he change his mind, Ali grabbed her bag, flicked the lights off and dashed the opposite way down the hall.

     It wasn’t until she was walking across the campus towards the bus stop that she allowed herself to laugh. How obtuse do you have to be to think that avoiding someone equates to desire? Still, she supposed it settled the debate on who seduced who, at least in his mind. _Oh well,_ she thought, _one less thing to worry about_. She ran over the conversation again, giggling as she walked until she remembered how she’d stumbled over Ashlyn’s name.

     Ali had done her best to compartmentalize all of her feelings over the abrupt ending. There was no place for that here while she wanted to capitalize on her experience in Germany. She only allowed herself to check her email a few times a day and wouldn’t admit, even to herself, that she scanned it to see if Ashlyn had reached out that way. It took a quick search on Facebook her fourth night in the dorms to see that she’d been removed as her friend.

 _It’s what she wants. She wants it to be a clean break_. The bus stop came into view, and Ali could see her two friends waiting there for her. She took a deep breath and held it for a few moments as she walked, willing herself to tuck the situation away neatly into its box once more. It was a beautiful fall weekend, and she was intent to enjoy every moment of it.

     Still, as a swirl of red and orange leaves scattered across the pavement, she remembered that Ashlyn’s birthday was coming up the following week, and she wondered if she’d be playing soccer … wherever she was.

* * *

  **2013**

     “Today is about celebration, but despite that, you might just also be feeling a little nervous—and, perhaps even fearful. Here you are you’ve been safely nestled in these mountains for the past few years. You’ve had amazing mentors guiding your way through the best possible education. And now, you stand on the threshold of the next phase of your life.”

     Around her, the rest of the students clapped, hooted, and hollered their agreement. Julie Andrews stood at the podium smiling, waiting for another pause. Ali grinned herself, clapping and cheering alongside the rest. It was a beautiful morning in May, the sun shining gorgeously through a light layer of clouds. The temperature was perfect, the atmosphere was electric; it was a wonderful day to graduate college.

     Ali felt alive, felt more grateful than anything to see this day, to be standing in her cap and gown, honor cords flowing down her chest. It’d been a long, grueling run, and there had been many times that she wished to give up. Classes had been tedious, professors had been impossible and life – she paused, taking her usual deep breath as she skipped over the name in her head out of habit – life had done its best to throw every wrench in the works. Still, in roughly forty-five minutes, by the gauge of Dame Julie Andrews’ speech, Ali would officially be an alumnus of the University of Colorado at Boulder.

     “I remember saying once to my husband, Blake, on the eve of my return to Broadway after a 35 years absence, ‘You know, I’m really feeling VERY frightened about this’ and I began to tear up. He simply replied, ‘Darling, did you actually expect to feel anything else?’ I remembered—yet again—that fear is a part of life. The trick is to recognize it and then press on anyway.”

 _How true_ , Ali thought, reflecting back on her years there. She remembered being a freshman, standing around on Bid Day and waiting to see where she’d be accepted, _if_ she’d be accepted. Part of her wondered if she’d made a mistake, but her confidence was bolstered when she felt Christen take her hand and squeeze, huge grin on her face.

     “Don’t worry,” she’d said. “By the end of today, we’ll be sisters.”

     Christen’s surety had floated Ali along, even though she doubted it up until the minute she found out Pi Beta Phi wanted her. As much as she’d been telling Kyle that she wasn’t sure if her heart was really into the whole Greek life thing, she knew she’d have been crushed if she’d walked away empty handed. As she walked through the front doors of the house, it felt like coming home, like finally finding a cozy place she belonged since she arrived on campus.

     As a sophomore, she injured her knee during a mid-season game. The team had been doing so great, and they were sure they were headed to the playoffs. Still, as Ali had laid there on the trainer’s bench, shoe being removed and ice packs being applied, she was filled with dread and doubt. Sure, the team might be going, but Ali was convinced she’d be watching them from the sidelines. She listened as the trainers tossed around words like “tear”, “rip”, and “break”, her stomach falling deeper each time.

     “You’ve got this, Kriegs,” Julia said, ruffling her hair as she laid there fighting back tears. “It’s gonna be fine.”

     Ali had nodded, unsure of whether she truly believed her. She hoped against hope, choosing instead to visualize herself playing in the championship game.

     Again, her faith was rewarded. A few medical scans later, Ali was confirmed to have sprained a ligament, and was only given a rest time of three weeks. There would be plenty of time to get back in fighting shape should their playing make it to the playoffs. Sure enough, at the end of that season, Ali was starting as right back in the playoff series, fighting as hard as she ever had to get her team through.

     Junior year … but Ali stumbled. When she thought back, it was almost like her memory completely faded to black, as though she’d been successful in completely wiping it clean. After training herself for so long to avoid going over the past, she was afraid that perhaps she wouldn’t be able to remember anything at all. She closed her eyes, feeling the warm sunshine on her face, allowing the voices around her and the one coming through on the loud speaker to fade into the background.

     Bright, dazzling smile. Long blonde hair. Warm, kind eyes. Ali remembered the shape of her hands, the curve of her lips, the jut of her hipbones. _Losing you_ , she thought, _that was a fear_. But not just a fear, she realized. It had happened. They weren’t together, they weren’t speaking. It’d been nearly a year since that horrible night that she’d chased the blonde down the sidewalk, yelling at her to never come back …

 _But I made it_ , she thought to herself. _As fucking horrible as it was, I made it_. She gave herself a moment to reflect, a moment to allow the entirety of Ashlyn’s face to float through her mind’s eye before she moved on.

     She’d been afraid as she flew to Germany, had been scared that she wouldn’t get to know anyone. But she’d had the time of her life, had blown away her professors, and had come back to Boulder with more knowledge of life than of school. She felt ready for the so called “real world”, to take on life without the training wheels. It was an anxiety inducing thought, but also subtly exciting.

     She listened as Julie Andrews talked about losing her voice after a botched throat operation, about how she overcame adversity by channeling her gift into other avenues. _Overcoming her fear of failure_ , Ali reflected. There were still moments of that in her own life that she still needed to get through.

     When she’d received her formal job offer from an advertising company in Washington D.C., she was terrified. She’d applied to all sorts of companies there in order to be closer to home. For at least the next few years, that was her plan. Her parents talked often of moving permanently to their home in Boulder, and she wanted to close the gap whilst she could. She was terrified at the concept of striking out in a big city like Washington, even before she made it somewhere like Los Angeles or New York City. If she couldn’t make mid-level, she definitely couldn’t hack an advertising mecca.

     Still, she’d come this far, despite everything. She was sitting in a folding chair, albeit an uncomfortable one, listening to an award-winning actress give the commencement speech at her alma mater. It was graduation day. She’d made it. As the speech finished and everyone around her began to clap, Ali joined in enthusiastically.

     When she walked across the stage, beaming with pride and grinning widely for what she knew to be her parents’, and Kyle’s, cameras, she took in the moment as long as she could. She knew adversity was always going to come, that was a part of life. Still, this was a moment of pure triumph and she soaked in every inch. As the order was given for them to turn their tassels to commemorate their status as graduates, Ali’s heart swelled and she wasn’t embarrassed by the tears in her eyes.

* * *

**2014**

     “I am,” Ali took off one high heel, tossing it across the room, “so fucking happy you’re here,” off came the other shoe and it followed the first, skittering across the wood floor, “and you’re never, ever leaving me again.”

     She crossed the room and collapsed onto her couch, wrapping her arms around Christen who grinned and hugged her back.

     “Or at least not until camp is over,” she said, squeezing Ali tightly. “Ugh, I’ve missed you.”

     “Aren’t you bored with being a member on a national team? Isn’t that _boring_ by now?” she teased, pulling back and curling up into the corner of the couch.

     “You know, it is,” Christen said, shrugging. “I mean, I’m super bored with winning our games and preparing for the women’s world cup next year. Like, _so_ bored.”

     “You can always quit and move in with me. There’s a Dunkin Donuts down the street that’s hiring. You can have a job, a roof over your head, not have to live in hotel rooms, AND you get to eat all of the munchkins you want.” Ali grabbed a throw blanket and covered the two of them, stretching her feet out onto the edge of her coffee table.

     “Okay, you had me at munchkins. The cinnamon sugar ones are the best.” Christen curled up, bringing the blanket to her chin. “It’s freezing. Don’t you have heat?”

     “Can’t afford it,” Ali joked, but jerked her head back. “I turn it off during the day. It’ll warm up here in a bit.”

      There was a spitting noise from the back of the room and Christen jumped. “Oh my God, what _is_ that?!”

     Ali laughed. “Relax, it’s a radiator, Malibu.”

     “I’m not from _Malibu_ ,” Christen replied scathingly, and she flipped around to look at the metal object hissing and releasing steam. “I thought those were just things on TV.”

      “It’s part of the charm of the apartment,” Ali said, leaning her head back against the couch and closing her eyes. “Wood floors, original ceilings, radiators. One bath, one bedroom. Kind of a half of a den. And all for $2,600 a month.”

     “Holy shit,” Christen said. “You’re making bank, aren’t you?”

     Ali opened one eye. “No, I’m just hungry. That, and I don’t have a car note. I take public transportation most places so I avoid paying the garage costs at my building.”

     “Washington is expensive,” Christen said, rubbing her socked feet against Ali’s. “Remind me to never live here.”

     “Don’t knock it till you try it,” Ali said. “There’s a women’s team here! You can leave Sweden and come here! We can live together! In my tiny little hovel.”

     “This is hardly a hovel,” Christen said, rolling her eyes. “It’s like West Elm chic. Rustic, but you know, modern despite the classic structure.”

     “Someone’s been watching House Hunters,” Ali quipped.

     “Binging it on buses and planes.” Christen looked out the window, into the clouds cast with oranges and reds from the setting sun. “Snow?” she asked.

     “Not sure,” Ali shrugged. “The weather guy says it’s a bit early for it, but who knows. It’s been a cold fall. That girl I found on Tinder last week wanted to go _ice skating_.” Christen laughed and Ali nodded. “I know, right? Like, this is Tinder babe. I want you for your body, not for your hobby.”

     “That belongs on a bumper sticker,” Christen joked. “Ali’s Sweet Nothings, bringing you the best in heartfelt quotes.”

     The two of them giggled, letting the sounds disperse as they rested. Ali had suffered through a grueling week. She loved her job, loved the people, and had just recently been promoted to Copywriter. She felt a proper amount of challenge and ease; in fact, she’d been at drinks with some colleagues just the week prior and had told them how happy she was, and surprised at the ease in which she fit into the firm.

     Ali had her eye on the prize, unwilling to look away for even a moment. Each day at work, she walked by the Creative Director’s office and pictured her name plate on the wall instead of Mr. Lindrough’s. She watched the way he directed his group of employees, watched how the tree of reports functioned below him and wanted it. He had the most creative control over his projects, and had the most input. It was where she was aiming.

     The job had her working long hours, longer than she’d initially expected. She was ecstatic when Christen had texted, saying the women’s national team was having a training camp in Washington D.C. ahead of two games in Pennsylvania. It’d been over seven months since she’d seen her best friend, and they were overdue for a visit.

     She’d been signed nearly straight out of college, heading immediately to Sweden to play for a team there. It wasn’t long before the U.S. women’s national team came calling, and she’d had her first camp with them at the beginning of the year. Ali couldn’t have been happier for her, couldn’t have felt more pride. She’d watched as Chris had struggled with her dream but kept at it until she was wearing the number 23 jersey in a nationally televised game.

     Still, it wasn’t without sacrifice. Though they’d stayed together during most of their senior year, Kelley was taking off to Utah to work for some company as a mechanical engineer, and Christen knew she wouldn’t be in one place for a long time. It was with sadness, but also resolution, that the two called it off before graduation. Ali remembered holding Christen in her arms as she cried, holding a ring in her hand. Kelley had gotten it for her as a some-odd month anniversary gift, a simple band with Christen’s birthstone.

     “I can’t wear it,” she’d said, sniffling. “I can’t even bear to look at it.”

     “Hey,” Ali had cooed, “it’s okay. One day you’ll want it.”

     “No,” Christen sobbed. “It’s not fair. It just reminds me of her and of what I had, and what I can’t take with me.”

     Ali had held her tightly, rocking back and forth to soothe her. “You’re still close,” she whispered. “You both still care about each other. That’s a good thing.”

     “Or horrible,” Christen mumbled. “You tell me,” she said, twisting to look Ali in her eyes. “Which is worse? Not speaking or knowing she still cares but nothing can happen?”

     The two of them went quiet, Ali looking back at her with sad eyes. Just the week before, she’d shut Christen down when she’d tried to pass information about Ashlyn on from Kelley. Ali had been firm in telling her that Ashlyn was rather clear in her wish to keep Ali out of her life, and Ali didn’t wish to pry. Still, it had broken her heart knowing that life was still going on, even knowing that of course it would.

     “Whatcha thinking about?” Christen asked, shifting on the couch. “Work stuff?”

     “Yeah,” Ali said with a smile. “Just thinking about a project we’re working on. It’s hard to turn it off.”

     “Well,” Christen said, waggling her eyebrows. “Maybe some drinks and endless appetizers would help with that. Thoughts?”

     “I thought you were on some supreme diet for the team,” Ali said, raising an eyebrow.

     “We’ve got tomorrow off. I can see how much green juice I need to drink before I feel like a human again,” Christen grinned widely. “Come on! We see each other once like, every eighty-seven years. We’re not sitting on the couch freezing our butts off, or listening to your muffler spit.”

     “Radiator,” Ali said with a laugh. “Okay, let’s go.”

     As they got dressed, Christen rummaging through Ali’s closet and throwing sweater after sweater on the bed, Ali thought back to her answer that day in Christen’s room.

     “I don’t think either wins,” she’d said. “Neither is worse. The real hell comes from knowing you can’t be with the person you love, and that’s unbearable no matter if they acknowledge you exist or not.”

* * *

  **2015**

     It wasn’t her fault. She hadn’t gone _looking_ for Ashlyn, she’d just shown up on her “people you may know” list. She’d promised herself that summer they broke up that she wouldn’t be that girl that stalked her ex, no matter what happened. And she definitely wouldn’t be the person who did it while they were with someone else.

     But she hadn’t been able to sleep. Evan had fallen asleep very shortly after she’d came, clinging onto Ali’s side and nestling into the pillow. Ali hadn’t intended her to stay, but she felt it would be rude to wake her up to kick her out. _This is why you don’t fuck people you work with_ , she thought with an inward grumble. An eighty-hour workweek and four vodka sodas later, she was wrapped around Evan in the backseat of a cab as they made their way to Ali’s apartment.

     The other copywriter was cute, very gay, and very friendly. Ali had taken a liking to her as soon as she’d started, having moved from Texas about eleven months after Ali had started at the company. They were friends for a long time before ever talking about anything to do with their sexuality, but as soon as they did, it all fell together quickly. Evan had been struggling to find an adequate friend group, and Ali obligingly brought her into the one she’d formed. Apparently, that’d been a signal to start shamelessly flirting.

     The project for a local chain of grocery stores had gotten surprisingly complicated. There were errors in copy sent out, higher demands from the client, and a rapidly approaching deadline. What Ali had initially seen as a nice, relaxing project had become a breakneck race to the finish. When the group had gone out to celebrate that night, everyone got out of hand, and she knew there’d been a few hookups. She supposed she shouldn’t have been surprised; spending that much time with one another fostered closeness.

     She’d been standing by the bathroom, waiting for her turn when Evan came up to wait next to her.

     “Hey,” she’d slurred. “What’s up?”

     “Just gotta go pee,” Ali said. “And whoever is in there is taking forever.”

     “Hmm, whatever will we do to pass the time?” Evan asked, raising her eyebrows. She drew a little closer and Ali felt her skin begin to tingle.

     “Not sure.” Her voice had dropped to a murmur. “It leaves one wondering.”

     “Does, doesn’t it?” she said. Evan searched her face and Ali bit her lip.

     There was a jolt of electricity between them, as well as one between her legs. It’d been longer than she was happy to admit since she’d been with a woman, the past few hookups from her dating apps having been men who had overall been a mixed bag. She yearned for the soft touch of Evan’s big hands, the feel of her breasts on her body. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she thought about the fact that their cubicles were only twenty or so feet apart, but that seemed inconsequential when Evan reached for her hand.

     “What do you want to do?” she asked quietly, and somewhere in the back of Ali’s mind, she felt a memory being triggered but couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

     “I want to fuck you,” Ali heard herself saying, surprised at her own brazenness, but also spurred on by the lust on Evan’s face in response.

     “Come on then,” she murmured in a slow southern drawl, and Ali leapt forward, wrapping her arms around Evan’s neck and pressing her backwards into the wall.

     They made out until the woman in the bathroom came out, walking by them with a barely concealed look of disgust at their display. Then they took it into the bathroom, locking the door behind them as they tumbled around the room. _Hold on,_ Ali thought as Evan started to fumble with the hem of her dress, _I’m not twenty-one anymore. I’m not fucking in the bathroom at a bar._

     “No,” she said, and Evan dropped her hands immediately.

     “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” the girl had asked, looking concerned.

     “Aside from being painfully turned on, perfectly fine. Let’s take this back to my place, shall we?” Ali had said, and with a grin, they left.

     It’d been hot and fast, the two of them rolling around Ali’s living room and bedroom until they collapsed, exhausted. Ali ran her fingers through the sheen of sweat covering her belly, watching as her breathing evened out. By the time she looked over at Evan, the girl had fallen asleep, one hand up and curled under her dark head of hair and the other resting on Ali’s hip.

     Ali laid in the dark, listening to Evan’s soft snores and replaying the night as she continued to sober up all the way. She was scuppered, as far as work went. At least she thought she would be. She wasn’t sure the type of woman Evan was -- if she was likely to let it go as a hookup, or if she’d want to make it something more.

     She reached slowly for her phone on her bedside table, making sure not to wake the woman sleeping at her side. She was content with silence for the time being. She began to cycle through social media, aimlessly liking pictures on Instagram and silently watching Snapchat stories, before she got to Facebook.

     As she scrolled down her newsfeed, she saw a relationship notification. It appeared that Knox McClennon had gotten engaged that same evening to his girlfriend of the last two years. She was pretty, in a Stepford wife way. Every strand of her hair fell perfectly, and she looked ridiculously happy as she stretched her left hand out towards the camera to show off her sparkling ring. Knox had his face buried into her hair, kissing right above her ear.

     The memory from earlier came rushing back to her, and she remembered where she’d heard the question before. She was taken back to that night at Pi Beta Phi as she sat across from him on her couch, drunk on dark beer and heartbreak. She’d asked him that question as he’d looked at her, reaching out to touch her face. He had said he wanted to kiss her and he did. They’d done a lot more than that.

     As his presence on her news feed normally did, Ashlyn’s face came to mind. Ali closed her eyes, allowed herself to drink in the trip down memory lane. It didn’t hurt as much anymore to recount their breakup, or to think about how long it had been since they’d spoken. It hurt in the way Ali supposed was reminiscent of so-called “ghost limbs” of amputees. She could feel the ghost of the memory, but there was nothing tangible there anymore.

     She was content with the short slideshow through her mind until Facebook had other ideas. She scrolled a little further and there she was, her profile picture, a perfectly captured candid of Ashlyn reaching up and hanging from a tree branch, laughing at something away from the camera. Her hair was still long and platinum blonde, stringy down her shoulders and upper back. She had on a cut off tank top, the lined muscles of her arms even bigger now.

     Ali greedily looked over the image, ignoring the banging of her heart in her chest. It’d been so long since she’d purposefully looked at a picture of Ashlyn, so long since she’d allowed herself to remember just how … _beautiful_ she was. Though the thumbnail was small, Ali imagined the warmth of her eyes, the way they sparkled as she smiled, how dark they got when she was so close to coming …

 _No_. The word was forceful in her head. _Not anymore_. She couldn’t think about _that_ anymore. She could remember the good things, the times they hung out and had fun. She could remember their trip to Rocky Mountain park and the way the wind swirled around their faces on the top of that mountain. She could think about the rooftop at the Italian restaurant in Boulder, even knowing now how badly that evening had gone.

 _Don’t do it_ , she thought to herself, but she already had. She clicked on her name, bringing her profile up larger. Ali scrolled through each detail, read every word. She cursed Ashlyn for putting her profile on such limited terms that all she could see were the last three profile pictures she’d set and two public shares of news articles. Still, she searched the last pictures, both from the previous year. Ashlyn working on a sculpture that looked very refined from the work she’d done in college, and Ashlyn with one arm around a man that she supposed was the brother she’d never met, and a small blond-haired boy on her hip.

     Ali was conflicted. On one hand, she was pleased to have seen her; she was nearly an entirely pleasant memory. There were so many good things that came to mind when she thought about junior year, even given the way it had ended. They had enjoyed their time together, had grown together. There were sweet memories and even good ones that she wouldn’t allow her mind to linger on.

     But then, of course, she was still sad. The sweetness was almost bittersweet. She knew they’d ended before they were really at their prime, that they’d been tripped up from the beginning whether due to their own issues or things beyond their control. In her countless examinations, she knew the places where she hadn’t given enough, where she hadn’t said enough, and where she hadn’t heard enough. It was hard knowing that something good could’ve still come from that, if only they’d both been a little more mature, a little kinder to each other, and to themselves.

     Beside her, Evan shifted and sighed. She kissed the side of Ali’s breast in her sleep and rolled over, curling further around the pillow. Ali watched her, desperately wishing she’d suggested Evan’s apartment instead, and wondering what she would say in the morning to convince her to leave without hurting her feelings. As she looked back at Ashlyn’s profile picture still smiling up at her, she considered that perhaps she hadn’t done much growing since college after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pt. I of II


	28. my blazing head, my freezing heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn's perspective of time.

**2012**

     “Fuck!” Ashlyn said, panting and doubling over as she finally made it under the awning.

     The rain was coming down in buckets, and they hadn’t expected that. Mac had his bag clutched to his chest, patting around the sides to check to see how wet it’d gotten in his haste to run away from the stand they had going at the farmer’s market. Once he was satisfied that his supplies were okay, he turned to Ashlyn, wiping water from his eyes.

     “Didn’t see that coming,” he said, using the collar of his t-shirt to wipe his chin and cheeks.

     “I thought they said _snow_ in the forecast. And Jesus, it’s cats and dogs.” She craned her neck to look down the street, watching as the patrons, as well as their potential customers, ducked away into shops and cars, or down into the subway. “There goes that,” she grumbled.

     “No worries, young padawan,” Mac said, reaching to pull his phone from his pocket. He tapped away, responding to a message. “Kristi says that she can get us into that gallery opening next Wednesday. You know, the place down on Church?”

     “Yeah, yeah,” Ashlyn said, shivering inside of her damp sweater. It was early December and very, very cold. They’d been standing inside of their makeshift plastic stand for a few hours now, trying to attract customers as they walked around looking at other handmade items.

     The farmer’s market had been another gallery owner’s idea. They’d done a successful tour of Mac’s work. He’d made a lot of useful contacts in the art world, and had a few lines out for future commissions. Ashlyn had learned loads being his “intern”, and she really enjoyed seeing what it was like inside of the show gallery life. She liked the atmosphere, the sophistication and appreciation of art. Of course, it also helped that when a show went well, Mac collected a fat check and in turn, her pay increased.

     Still, as they’d finished the last week of the eight-week run, Ashlyn realized that this hadn’t exactly gotten her any closer to showing any of her own sculptures. Instead, the things that she’d been working on hid away in the back of her car, or her trunk, or in any of the places that she and Mac stayed as they moved around the Northeast coast. When she brought this up to Mac, he reached out to his friends to see if they had any ideas for her.

     “I know the woman who runs the Harvest Market down on Bowery on Sunday mornings. She’s usually looking for a few people to rent out an art stall. You can give her a call and set up a meeting to look over your work.” Ashlyn had taken the woman’s card, feeling excitement over the possible networking that she was doing.

     Amory had been exceedingly polite, and worked with Ashlyn to find a time to meet as quickly as possible. This time, it had been the by-the-week hotel room that she and Mac were sharing in Williamsburg. Ashlyn had arranged each of her pieces and stood by, nervously picking at her cuticles while Amory studied them, giving away no expression. She walked slowly, only stopping to turn two of the structures around. Ashlyn wondered if she should speak, should try to explain the piece or allow it to speak for itself. In the end, she waited, albeit impatiently.

     Finally, Amory looked at her and smiled. “I think these would look lovely at the Harvest Market,” she said. “They really say a lot about you.”

     “Thanks,” Ashlyn said graciously, reaching to shake her hand. “I really appreciate that.”

     “It’s my pleasure. We can get you in as soon as this coming Sunday.”

     “That’s great!” Ashlyn exclaimed, looking back at Mac who nodded in pride. “I’m so ready.”

     “Wonderful,” Amory gushed. She pulled a packet of papers out of her bag. “We’ll just need to discuss the stall rental fee as well as the commission fee, have you sign these waivers and we can get the ball rolling.”

     Ashlyn’s stomach clenched at the word “fee” and it didn’t release until well after Amory had left and she and Mac were sharing beers and pizza down the block.

     “ _Shit_ ,” Ashlyn said after a long pull from her bottle. “Being an artist is fucking expensive.”

     Mac just nodded and gestured down to his hip. “Now you understand why I carry most of my good supplies around with me. I’d be fucked if anything ever happened to them.” He took a bite off the end of a crust and wiped his mouth with a wadded napkin. “I’m sorry kiddo. I should’ve told you more about the fees and shit when you’re dealing with showings.”

     “I should’ve realized,” Ashlyn shrugged. “I mean, of course you’re not gonna get to just do it for free. Galleries have to make money, right?”

     “And make money they do,” Mac said, taking a drink. “I’ve heard stories about some New York galleries charging up to 40% commissions on artists’ work.”

     Ashlyn just shook her head in amazement. “I’d be … fucked. Like, that’s crazy. This is why everyone lives in a closet in this city.”

     “One of the reasons,” Mac agreed. “It’s hard to make it anywhere in an art career, but New York City is a particular bitch.”

     Ashlyn sighed, doing internal calculations. She’d gone over and over her financial situation, and she was _pretty_ sure she could do the fees associated with showing the Harvest Market. It would nearly send her down to double digits in her bank account, but she wasn’t sure she should trade the possibility of being able to sell her work. In the end, she pulled the rolled-up forms from her back pocket and spread them out over the table, reading through the numbers.

     “Alright, got a pen?” she asked Mac, who nodded and handed one to her.

     “Big day,” he said. “Kiddo signs her first artist agreement.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “Kiddo signs her life away, more like it.”

     “Nah, just twenty percent of it,” he teased, watching her scribble her name across one of the black lines.

     She went through the packet, making sure to initial and sign each line, and when she was done they ordered tequila shots. She thought back to her last celebratory tequila shot and to the night of the crash with Ali after finals. _Not what I need right now_ , she thought, remembering the tears in Ali’s eyes and how afraid she’d been of the cops.

     Ashlyn still wasn’t over all of her anger. It had been so marvelously unfair. She’d done nothing to deserve being kicked out of school, unless you counted letting Ali drive in the first place. Still, she wasn’t the one who was driving drunk and she wasn’t the one who crashed her truck. But fuck if she wasn’t the one who had to pay for absolutely all of it.

     She’d never been able to forget Ali’s face as she sat there staring at the cops, listening to Ashlyn confess to something she didn’t do. She just stared politely forward, eyes trained and soft, mouth pleasant, nearly smiling. It was as though she’d been there just for Ashlyn’s support. She’d never been under suspicion.

 _But whose fault is that?_ Of course, Ashlyn knew that her record was her fault, and her fault alone. It wasn’t Ali’s problem that the police department profiled. Besides, if she was being honest, she didn’t know if they would have even believed Ali if she’d tried to confess. They would’ve thought it was Ashlyn given it was her truck and she had a record. Maybe there wasn’t a point to Ali ruining her life. After all, she’d been right about Ashlyn wanting to leave school anyway.

     She thought about Ali often. At first it annoyed her, the way it seemed like every where she turned that first month after they _really_ broke up that she saw German things. Food, clothing, movies. Hell, even when she’d hidden away in the hotel room one night watching porn on her laptop, the popup for a “private” chatroom had a woman clad in lederhosen on it.

     It bruised her pride to think of all the nights she laid in bed, or stood in the shower touching herself, how she’d work her clit over and over, unable to get anywhere until she pictured Ali. When she did, they were always rough. She never allowed herself to imagine kissing or hugging, nothing soft. They were either holding each other down while growling and vigorously fucking, or Ashlyn was fucking her from behind and had her hand over Ali’s mouth, pulling her arms back with the other hand. Each and every time, as soon as her face materialized in Ashlyn’s mind, she came within a minute.

     Ashlyn almost regretted removing Ali from every form of social media. It made it that much harder to snoop later. Her Snapchat was off limits, and Facebook only gave partial information, but there was plenty to see on Instagram. Ashlyn watched for months, careful to never accidentally “like” a picture. She nearly committed every picture to memory, keeping a mental scrapbook of Ali’s life in Germany up to date every time she checked.

     She never told Kelley about it, her best friend who she kept in contact with well beyond her expulsion. They talked about almost everything else, even the fact that Ashlyn still thought regularly of Ali. She didn’t think it was necessary to mention that she was soft-stalking her Instagram feed. Every time Kelley got close to that territory, Ashlyn would steer her away.

     In fact, Ashlyn kept track of her enough to take a moment of silence the morning Ali arrived back in Washington D.C. from Berlin, even lazily clicking through her inbox to find the emailed itinerary she’d been sent all those months ago. Ashlyn had been free that day, and she got very close to getting on a train as she walked through Grand Central – very close to making her way down to Reagan International Airport.

     What would she have said? “Hi, welcome back”? There was too much broken between them, too much that needed to be mended before a grand gesture could be attempted. And while it seemed like Ali was living just fine without her, Ashlyn wasn’t going to try to tip the scales. _It is what it is,_ she thought to herself, tucking her scarf into her jacket and walking out into the snow on Lexington.

     “So, what do you say?” Mac asked, his teeth chattering. “We can’t just hang out here waiting for it to stop. Want to go to that gallery?”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn replied. “Let me just go grab my stuff and do a quick run to make sure I didn’t forget anything.”

     Ashlyn ran back over to her stall, damning the rain and weather from any hopes of sales as she shoved papers in her backpack and wrapped up the remaining small pieces that hadn’t already been in plastic totes in the back of her car parked three blocks away. She looked up as she went to run back to Mac and an advertisement in German caught her eye in a shop window on the second floor of the building he was waiting in front of – from the looks of it, some optometrist’s office or something.

     As they made their way towards Church street, Ashlyn saw no problem in letting her mind linger on a certain brunette on a certain rainy evening they’d shared in her empty bedroom.

* * *

**2013**

     “She’s so great you know that? She’s just … she’s out there … _doing stuff_. She’s just … beautiful and wonderful and so talented. I just … Fuck, I miss her you know?”

     “I do know,” Ashlyn said, patting Kelley on the back as she leaned her head down into the street, prepared for any further vomit. “Chris is pretty cool.”

     “No, Ashlyn. She’s fucking _great_. And I love her. Ugh, why didn’t I ever tell her I loved her?” Kelley leaned back to look Ashlyn in the eye but only succeeded in throwing herself backwards onto the pavement, giving the blonde barely enough time to catch her before she cracked her skull open.

     “Because you were busy getting a job as a rollercoaster engineer. Do you seriously know how cool that is, dude?” Ashlyn asked, grunting as she struggled to right her best friend.

     “She’s like … _America though._ She’s like up there with the bald eagle,” Kelley said in awe.

     “I’ve always found Christen to have a pretty sizable amount of curls myself. Never saw her as bald,” Ashlyn cracked, chuckling at her own joke. “I’m only just slightly annoyed that you’re not gonna remember that joke tomorrow, drunky.”

     “You think she misses me?” Kelley asked, leaning over onto Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Cause we text and stuff sometimes, and I tell her good luck and she like, asks me to design certain rides at Six Flags Magic Mountain so she can ride them when she visits home and like … she never says she misses me.” Kelley frowned down at the ground and then looked up so quickly to Ashlyn’s face that she wobbled. “Ash. Buddy. Does she miss me?”

     Ashlyn smiled kindly and wrapped her arm around Kelley’s shoulder. “Pal, I promise you that she misses you. I promise.”

     “Ugh, how do you _know_ though?” Kelley asked, falling over into Ashlyn’s lap and continuing to mumble incoherently into her jeans.

     “Whoa there, cowgirl,” Ashlyn said, struggling to readjust her by taking hold of her head.

     “Uh, get a room?”

     Ashlyn looked up and a group of three girls was standing in front of them, on their way across the street towards the bar that had done its best to poison Kelley. The blonde in front was wearing a black mini skirt and white crop top with a pizza slice in the upper left corner. She had on a red, backwards baseball hat and bright yellow, high top sneakers. Her eyebrow was cocked as she looked at Kelley’s head in Ashlyn’s crotch.

     “This isn’t what it looks like,” Ashlyn said, blushing red.

     “That’s what they all say,” said another blonde from her side, but that one didn’t stop. Instead, she kept moving with the third girl, black haired with a nose piercing.

     “Need some help?” the pizza blonde asked and when Ashlyn nodded, she crossed over and crouched next to Kelley. “Hey there, you good?”

     Kelley mumbled something further into Ashlyn’s crotch and the vibrations made her jump uncomfortably. “Ah! Kel. Come on dude, you’ve gotta sit up.”

     “We need to get your girlfriend some water,” the girl said, and Ashlyn shook her head.

     “Not my – ah! Not my girlfriend. She’s my best friend and she’s pretty down about a break up.”

     “Well, that’s partially good news,” the girl said, but when Ashlyn looked up, she was only focused on Kelley. “Hey, can you hear me?”

     “Mmm. Helloooo,” Kelley said, swinging up and leaning against Ashlyn’s shoulder. “How’s a do?”

     The pizza girl smiled at her, reaching down to grab her wrist. She looked a little off in the distance and Ashlyn assumed she was checking her pulse. “That’s good. I’m good. How are you doing? Have you had a little bit to drink?”

     “Mhmm. Ossifer, I know the name of the truck that hit me – it’s Christen Press.” Kelley immediately frowned. “She doesn’t love me.”

     “Sure, she does,” Ashlyn said, straightening Kelley’s shirt.

     “She didn’t come visit me last month like she said she would,” Kelley pouted, looking up at the pizza girl who she seemed to have noticed for the first time. “Hey, you’re a girl.”

     “I am,” the girl said with a smile. “My name is Felicity. What’s yours? Do you know your name?”

     “Of course, I do,” Kelley said, furrowing her brow. “I’m Helley O’Kara. And this my best friend … Um.”

     “I’m touched, Helley,” Ashlyn quipped, rolling her eyes. “I’m Ashlyn,” she said to Felicity. “ _And_ ,” she added, turning to Kelley, “she didn’t come visit you because she had to go to Sweden. We talked about this.”

     “I’m sure I’ve seen that movie before,” Felicity joked, looking into Kelley’s eyes. “Hey, Kelley, is it?” A nod. “Kelley, we need to get you some water. I think you’re a bit past intoxicated.”

     “Lissy?” the black-haired girl called from the sidewalk behind them that led towards the club doors. “You good?”

     “Yeah, just a second,” she called to them before turning to Ashlyn. “I can help you get her up. Can we take her to that diner over there across the street? She really should get some food and water in her.”

     “I, uh, sure but … I mean, how do you …?”

     “I’m a nurse,” Felicity said. “And you totally don’t have to do what I’m saying, it’s not real medical advice or anything, but I’ve had my fair share of dealing with friends like this,” she mimed jerking over her shoulder towards her friends and winked, “and a healthy dose of carbs and lots and lots of water usually leveled them out.”

     “Makes sense,” Ashlyn said, reaching for Kelley’s hand. “Alright dude. You and I are heading to grab some food. Let’s go.”

     “I um …” Felicity started, and Ashlyn looked back at her. “Can I join you?”

     “Sure,” Ashlyn replied, a little confused. “Drunky here might be boring company. I’m used to it, but you’re new.”

     “That’s okay,” she said. “I was rather hoping to talk to you anyway.”

     Ashlyn watched with a dumbfounded expression as Felicity walked over to her friends to talk, gesturing over towards she and Kelley and then to the diner across the street. “I’ll text you guys, okay?” Then she was wrapping Kelley’s other arm around her shoulder. “Shall we?”

     Within twenty minutes, the three of them were sat in a booth at the far end of the diner, Kelley draining her third cup of water as Ashlyn and Felicity each had a cup of coffee.

     “If you can _call_ that coffee,” Ashlyn joked. “That’s your sixth packet of sugar. I thought you said you were a nurse!”

     “I am!” Felicity said with a giggle. “I just don’t like the taste of coffee.”

     “So, order a hot chocolate,” Ashlyn suggested. “At least you can get whipped cream on that.”

     “But I like the caffeine,” Felicity insisted. “And it’s a perfect vessel for all of the extra sugar.” She blew on the edge and then took a sip. “Mmm. Liquid gold.”

     “Anyway,” Ashlyn said, picking up her black cup of coffee and taking a sip. “So, you were saying that you’ve seen me before?”

     “Mhmm,” she answered, placing her mug on the table and wrapping her hands around it. “I see you pretty often over at the stalls on Bowery. I go there most weekends to pick up veggies and junk, and you’re usually there with your sculptures. I’ve stopped by the stall a few times.”

     “I’m sorry,” Ashlyn said, giving her a nervous smile. “I don’t recognize you.”

     “I’m usually in my scrubs,” she reasoned. “I’m either just coming off shift or about to go in. This is a fair bit different than what I usually wear.”

     “I don’t see why,” Ashlyn said, nodding at the stitched decal. “Pizza may not be the healthiest food but I’d be proud to sport it as part of my daily uniform.”

     “Yeah, but I think the head of staff might take issue with it.” They grinned at one another, settling in when the waiter came to take their food orders. It took a little bit of wrangling for Kelley to decide what she wanted, but finally they each had a promising amount of food coming their way, and Felicity turned back to Ashlyn. “I really like your stuff.”

     “Have you bought any yet?” Ashlyn asked.

     “Not yet,” Felicity admitted. “But I do have my eye on this small sort of spiked square that you usually have displayed in the smaller section. It’s got like, a few spikes coming out and the tips are bent towards one another? I like it.”

     “Oh, I know which one you’re talking about,” Ashlyn said with a nod. “I’ll make sure to hang onto it until I see you come by next.”

     “Would you notice me without the pizza shirt?” Felicity asked.

     “I think I would,” Ashlyn replied, grinning down at her mug. “You make an impression.”

     “See,” Felicity started, “I’d believe that _if_ you’d remembered me before now. Cause girl, I’ve talked to you about three times before this.”

     “But you never look like … like _that_ ,” Ashlyn insisted, gesturing at her skirt. “I’d remember a pretty girl in a skirt.”

     “She thinks I’m pretty,” Felicity said with a smile.

     “No one thinks _I’m_ pretty,” Kelley said, sulking and Ashlyn elbowed her.

     “Honestly,” Felicity started, “this is like, kismet. I’ve been telling my friends for weeks that there’s this super cute girl who sells down at the stalls. I actually brought my friend Elizabeth to scope you out two weekends ago.” When she saw Ashlyn’s eyes go wide, she grinned and covered her face. “I know! It’s so pathetic. It really is. But I wanted her to see and we both agreed you were cute. She said I’d have to talk to you the next time I saw you and well, here you are.”

     “Here I am,” Ashlyn repeated, and nodded. “I’m flattered.”

     “But?”

     “But what?”

     “It just feels like there’s a but coming.”

     Ashlyn smiled immediately, but then she heard a voice in her head. _You’re unavailable_. She questioned it until the answer appeared in her head in the form of a memory; one she’d replayed multiple times that morning in the shower. She sighed and reached for her mug, taking a long drink.

     “Yep, I know that look,” Felicity said.

     “What look is that?” Ashlyn asked, placing her cup back down and running her finger over the rim as a distraction.

     “What was her name?”

     A long pause and then, “Ali.”

     Felicity nodded with a knowing smile. “That’s a good name.”

     “No,” Ashlyn said with a groan, rubbing her hands over her face. “It’s a terrible one and she’s a terrible person and I don’t want to remember her anymore.”

     “How long has it been?”

     Ashlyn considered the question. How long had it been since what? Since the last time they spoke? Since Ali fucked a random guy she was about to go across the world with? Since Ali had left her holding the bag on her mistake? Or how long it had been since she’d hugged her and felt love in return?

     “It’s what? November? We broke up about a year and a half ago.” Felicity nodded, accepting the silence and waiting for Ashlyn to go on. “We were only together for seven months but …”

     “They were the best seven months of your life,” came the quiet response and Ashlyn nodded back.

     “I had an Alexa,” Felicity said. She smiled down at her hands, and Ashlyn craved that smile with all of her being. There was a sort of sentimental peace written on her face with the subtlest curve of her lips. “Short, anything but sweet, but …” She trailed off, ending with a deep sigh, but smiled up at Ashlyn. “I know where you’re at. I’ve been there.”

     “Fuck,” Ashlyn said, pinching an empty sugar packet between her fingers, grinding the granules against the paper. “When do I finally get out of it?”

     Felicity inhaled slowly and exhaled in the same speed, licking her lips and pursing them before looking Ashlyn in the eye. “Truly, if I say anything fake deep, it’ll just piss you off and you’ll know it isn’t genuine.”

     “Ah, come on,” Ashlyn groaned with a half-smile. “Can’t you lie?”

     “What good would that do?” Felicity asked, taking a sip of her coffee. “Your heart would know it was bullshit.”

     “See, okay, _that_ was fake deep.”

     “That was so not fake deep!” Felicity exclaimed, throwing Kelley’s wadded up straw paper at Ashlyn. “That was heartfelt and like … I don’t know, sincere.”

     “Those are synonyms, Brainiac,” Ashlyn said, ripping off a tiny bit of napkin at throwing it back.

     “Hey, I’m a nurse, not a teacher.”

     Ashlyn wouldn’t cross paths with Felicity again, nor did she expect to when they parted for the night, carrying a groaning Kelley who’d gotten closer to hangover since her plate of eggs, toast, and hash browns. Still, while she laid in bed the next day, she realized that she’d gotten exactly what she’d needed anyway.

* * *

**2014**

     Ashlyn ran around her apartment, trying her hardest to stretch her remaining containers to catch the drips of rainwater coming through the ceiling. So far, she’d sacrificed all of her pots and pans, all of the mismatched Tupperware, and the small trashcan from the bathroom. Finally, it seemed like she’d covered them all, and had adequately wiped up any standing water that had fallen before she’d gotten home from her shift at Guitar Center. She had about two hours before she had to be at the coffee shop four blocks down, and she was hoping to get a nap in on the couch that was currently damp.

     Instead, she leaned back onto the ottoman, or at least the bundle of busted up pallets that she’d fashioned into one. Pinterest had proclaimed it the number one home craft on their website, but she was sure everyone was lying. This shit wasn’t comfortable. She couldn’t imagine someone making an entire couch out of it.

     With a sigh, she looked around at her dingy studio. There were empty cereal and macaroni and cheese boxes flattened into a brown paper bag next to the stove. The three small cabinets that served as her pantry in her dismally small kitchen were all empty as she never thought it made sense to buy groceries for such a useless space. That would account for the masses of takeout containers in her trashcan.

     To her left was the area that served as her bedroom, only designated by the three Chinese curtains that sort of blocked her bed from view when you walked through the front door and into the living room. She had a small desk that she’d picked up from a trash pile on 47th that kept her laptop, mostly, off the floor.

     The bathroom was hardly worth talking about. There was a single stall shower, and Ashlyn was tired of running around to get wet when she turned it on. In fact, she’d joined a gym simply for the availability of showers. Five times a week, when she wasn’t bouncing around friends’ apartments, she would bathe at the gym, even if she hadn’t worked out that day.

 _Living as an artist_ , she thought to herself, taking off her Guitar Center name badge and replacing it with the one for the coffee shop. On the top two shelves of her battered bookshelf were the bits of scrap and supplies that she had left to make new pieces. It’d been so long since she’d made something new that she truly didn’t have a good idea of what she still had. She wasn’t sure if it was so much as time as it was a lack of enthusiasm for the art that caused the layer of dust settling on everything, but in any case, she wasn’t producing new pieces.

 _Maybe it’s time to give up the ghost_ , she thought to herself, without a degree of sadness. It was just resolution by this time, if she were honest. She’d given it everything she had, went down every available avenue to get into galleries, and still she hadn’t produced any solid leads. She was still living in a shithole apartment above a family of six and below the smoking landlord, and she wasn’t any closer to making it as a sculptor.

     She thought of Mac who was currently touring a few galleries in Italy. His work had been picked up by someone traveling through the city, and he’d been commissioned for a series of portraits. That lead to other work through referrals, and then suddenly he was buying a ticket and packing his things for a month long stay in southern Italy.

     “Come with me,” he’d said, leaning over the counter at the coffee shop. “I could use a squire.”

     She laughed as she pressed the buttons to foam a new pot of milk. “Even if I had the money to book a trip to Italy four days from now, I wouldn’t be able to make enough to stay there _and_ pay for my stuff here. I don’t have time to set up a sub-lease, and I would still be responsible for everything.”

     “Who needs stuff?” Mac asked, moving around the counter as she did. “Just like, I don’t know. Leave it.”

     “Oh, great idea,” she said with a grin. “I’ll just go to Italy for a month and come back to be homeless. Not to mention I’m pretty sure my jobs would have an issue with me disappearing for that long.”

     “Maybe you’ll find some Contessa who wants a pretty young thing to sculpt her likeness from marble,” he said, waggling his eyebrows. “It’s 2014, darling. Sex sells and you’ve been hitting the gym.”

     “Send me a postcard, Mackie,” she said, reaching out to pat his head. “And please promise me you’ll come back eventually.”

     He’d left four days later and hadn’t yet given her the date of his return, only blabbering on in his emails about a handsome man named Luigi who he swore didn’t have a brother named Mario and who loved nothing more than to drink wine and make love all night.

     She was happy for him, even if deep down she was green with envy. Mac had worked his ass off, had sacrificed so much to be able to do what he did with his art. It was only fair that he be able to reap the rewards from it. Perhaps Ashlyn hadn’t given enough, hadn’t worked hard enough. Maybe it just wasn’t in the cards. One thing was for sure, once her lease was up at the end of the year, she’d be looking into taking Kelley up on her suggestion of sharing an apartment out in Seattle.

     Ashlyn blinked a few times, not realizing she’d been sitting and staring down at her own lap as she rested against the ottoman. She began to stretch, watching the muscles in her arms twist and flex, urging the twinges in her legs and back to fade away before she had to stand on her feet for another six-hour shift.

     As they sometimes did, the words inked in black on her right arm caught her eye. _I am my Beloved’s_ , they read, as they always had. She traced over them with her finger, as though she could wipe them away along with the ache they still created. But as she swiped over them, they still looked back up at her, resolute in their message.

 _But she’s not mine anymore_ , Ashlyn thought to herself, _and I’m no longer hers_. She thought of the way her grandma had warned her off of tattoos, her preaching about the change of meanings and changes of heart, and she whispered another apology into the room. “You were right. I’m sorry.”

     She traced her fingers over the letters idly, wondering if Ali still had the other piece. She wondered how long it would be before some new boyfriend, or girlfriend, would insist she cover it up, surely knowing the story of how it’d come to be on her body. She couldn’t imagine that anyone would allow such a thing when they knew.

     She still wondered about Ali in general. She’d stopped looking her up on social media so much, having been burned the previous New Year’s Eve when a midnight kiss picture had popped up. She didn’t know who the guy was, and truly it didn’t matter. She tried to keep herself from making any immature comments, even to herself. She knew she’d been wrong to say the things she had that night at Pi Beta Phi, and she regularly chastised herself for having them be the last things Ali had ever heard her say.

     So many plans, so much deviation. She was going to be a rock star, and then a master sculptor. She was going to marry Ali and they were going to live their lives together forever. She was going to take the world by storm, and she was going to be confident and everything that she’d meant to be. Except, none of those things had happened. It was nearly three years since she’d been kicked out of school and she had nothing to show for it except for a ratty UC Boulder shirt she’d bought sophomore year at a football game.

 _It’s not giving up,_ she thought to herself. And really, it wasn’t. Admitting that a plan didn’t work and formulating a new one wasn’t giving up. In fact, Ashlyn thought it was a mark of maturity that she was even at the point of considering an alternative and patted herself on the back for doing so. Sure, it was scary thinking that her entire life would change again. Yes, it was sad thinking that she would finally put away her childish desires and lead a more typical life, but that’s just how things happened sometimes, right?

     As though to punctuate her completed thought, her phone began to ring, and Ashlyn smiled as she recognized the ringtone.

     “Mackie!” she said, “Tell me it’s time to come collect you from the airport.”

     “Girl, they have Uber Black for that. My ass has been spoilt over here being taken from place to place. Ain’t no way in hell I’m getting on public transportation. No way, no how.” There was a clattering in the background and then lazy laughter followed by something in a foreign tongue.

     “Tell Luigi I say hello,” Ashlyn smiled. “I’m taking this to mean that you _aren’t_ coming home.”

     “Actually, sourpuss,” he said, “I am.”

     “No shit? Mac! That’s great! You’ve been gone forever! When do you get back?”

     “My flight comes in Friday at 5. And honey, clear your schedule.”

     Ashlyn raised an eyebrow. “For what? You’re not trying another dinner party, are you?”

     “As a matter of fact,” he said, “I am. And you are the guest of honor.”

     Ashlyn scoffed. “Guest of honor for what?”

     “Well,” he said in a sing song voice. “When I came over here, I knew you were in a place, and I may have taken the liberty of bringing some of your smaller pieces and pictures of the big ones.”

     “Yeah …” she said slowly, wondering where he was going.

     “Girl, you were a hit.”

     “A hit?” she repeated. “A hit with who?”

     “Baby, the right people. Buckle up, kiddo. You’re going to have a lot of work to do.”

* * *

**2015**

            Dear Ali,

            I hope you’re well. I always hope you’re well. I hope a lot of things about you, actually. I hope you’re happy, and I hope you’re safe. I hope you know you’re amazing and that no matter what’s happened, I still …

            Can you believe it, I’m writing from a hotel in SoHo. I’m a guest here, even though I have an apartment across town. Also, I’ve changed addresses since I last wrote you, so make sure you keep track of the envelope okay? I figured once the regular paychecks started coming in that I didn’t have to live among the roach colony anymore. Also, I buy groceries now.

            Things have been awesome since Mac came back from Italy. Remember how I told you about that guy who wanted me to create some pieces for his restaurant chain? Well, it turns out that he knew someone who wanted to have sculptures for one of her fashion shows in London. From there, I traveled over to Amsterdam, and then Tokyo, and finally I came back to the States. It was a whirlwind year, and I have more stamps in my passport than I ever thought I’d have.

            I’ve stopped looking at your profiles altogether. It’s not that I don’t want you to be happy, I really do. I think it’s just hard to look at it and imagine who you’re happy with, you know? There are so many things I’d say to you, and so many things I’d wished we’d done differently, but too much time has passed for me to pick up the phone. I don’t even know what I’d say to you face to face.

            My birthday is tomorrow. Remember when I turned 21 and we played soccer? God, you looked so pretty that day. I was so nervous to even talk to you. I loved watching you run across the field and shout out to your teammates and essentially, I just enjoyed you breathing. Everything about you was magic, Ali. Everything about you IS magic.

            I’m rambling. I don’t mean to take up too much of your time. Last I saw, you were working pretty hard at some advertising company in D.C. I’m sure that keeps you on your toes. I’m proud of you, you know. You’ve stuck with it, and it looks like you’re making one hell of a career, Princess. They’re lucky to have you.

            Anyway, just wanted to check in. Be safe.

            Thinking of you always,

            Ashlyn

     Ashlyn listened to the rumble of the music above her head, the massive garden party raging on the rooftop. Somewhere in the mix of people, there was some woman who desperately wanted to sign Ashlyn for some five-piece deal, and Mac had been so insistent on Ashlyn setting up a meeting, but she had something she needed to do first.

     It’d become a ritual in all of her hotels, ever since they’d first started their drive from Boulder all those years ago. Ashlyn would find hotel stationary and she’d write a letter. Something simple, something small. At least something that made her feel connected somehow.

     She folded the letter up and tucked it away in the pocket of her suitcase, filing it away as another love letter written to a ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pt. II of II
> 
> Buckle up, kiddos.
> 
> Disclaimer: Don't ask me about Felicity's medical knowledge. I could be completely wrong about how to work with drunk people. But it's late and my medical knowledge source has gone to bed so I winged it. :)


	29. now you're looking pretty in a hotel bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn meet after four long years.

    I’ve always thought it was stupid, the way reunions were described in movies and books. Someone _always_ saw someone from across the room, and someone _always_ stood still and couldn’t say a word while the world around them was in slow motion. It was always this beautifully orchestrated bullshit designed to cheaply tug at a viewer’s or reader’s heartstrings. It never came across as genuine, and those meetings were a dime a dozen. In fact, one of my favorite pastimes involved mocking those moments.

    Except, I’m standing here in this bar, blaring music around me along with the droning of boring conversation and forced laughter, three glasses of champagne deep and standing in a group with three men whom I’m supposed to be auditioning my firm’s services … and everything is fading to grey and white noise with the exception of the woman standing across the bar.

    Her hair is shorter now, and it’s back to the color she always told me was natural. She’s wearing it slicked back on the top, the sides faded down around her ears. She has on a pinstriped green blazer over a button up, the cut of the garment tapered perfectly to her toned waist. Her head is thrown back in deep, belly rumbling laughter as she stands in a group of intimidatingly cool-looking people, and they’re laughing with her.

    I can see the sizable diamond studs in her ears all the way from here, and the watch on her wrist is something she never could’ve afforded back when we knew each other. In fact, everything about her exudes wealth and power; I guess she found success. She looks cool and confident, happy and sociable and comfortable even among the who’s who of the New York modern art scene.

    She’s … gorgeous. She looks just as amazing as she did when I knew her. There’s a montage playing in the back of my mind that I’m trying to ignore; elevators and house parties, soccer fields and a dingy college bar. Restaurants and the house in Aspen where my parents live now, Rocky Mountain park and downtown Denver. The airports. The sidewalk by my old sorority house where she … where _we_ said all of those things.

    I’ve prided myself on packing away every bit of her. I had to; there was life to live and I had to carry on. If I’d stayed hung up on her then I knew I wouldn’t be able to go forward the way that I was meant to, the way that was guaranteed after all of the sacrifices I’d made. She was one of them. If I hadn’t been able to put it all away, it would’ve been for nothing, right?

    Except she’s right _there_. She’s close enough for me to say her name in a slightly raised voice and she’d turn to see who called for her. We could look at each other’s faces for the first time in -- four _years_. Has it been so long already? It has, I know it has. It’s been so long that my heart has been stored away, so long that it hasn’t been able to really care about anyone. I’ve been very careful of that.

    But she’s so close, and my heart knows it. When she wasn’t near me, I could tell myself that it was for the best but now the jig is up. She’s here, I’m here and time has passed. What stops me from just walking over to her and smiling, asking her how she’s been? The thought sends my heart racing and I’m just about to do it when she begins to turn away.

_No, no, no._ The panicked thought plays through my head and although logically we’re at the same party, I can’t stomach the thought of watching her walk away from me again, even if it’s from across the room. It’s with this dread that I hear myself call out, even before thinking.

    She turns almost immediately. In fact, the gentleman that had been speaking also looks at me with a quizzical glance. In the back of my mind, it occurs to me that shouting for someone else while engaged in conversation is rude and I’m old enough that I should know better, and my boss had taken the time to tell me that this conversation was crucial and _don’t fuck it up_.

    “I’m sorry,” I say, reaching to touch his arm and giving him a bright smile that he returns automatically. “Please excuse me for a moment. I see someone that I – it’ll just be one moment. I’ll be right back, I’m sorry.”

    And as I walk towards her, it’s her turn to stare. I round the bar and there is nothing but ten feet and four years between us. She’s flabbergasted, standing stock still and her mouth is nearly dropped open in shock. In fact, I’m worried that the two champagne glasses she’s holding are going to tumble to the floor if she doesn’t snap out of it.

    We’re standing closer now, though a gap larger than socially necessary remains between us. Despite the din of drunken party goers around us, I can hear her breathing. She looks at me from head to toe and her head begins to shake in disbelief, a smile growing on her face.

    “Hi,” I say breathlessly, my stomach twirling into knots. “Remember me?”

* * *

      “What the hell,” Ashlyn grunted as she fought to twist the screwdriver a few more times. “Why won’t this fucking go _in_?”

     “That’s what she said,” Kelley cracked, leaning back in her chair and eating some popcorn. “I think you’re doing that wrong.”

     “Shut up,” Ashlyn said, flipping her the bird, “before I hang up on you.”

     “But you misssss me,” Kelley replied, making kissing noises at the computer screen. “You miss me sooo much and you can’t wait for next week.”

     “Also, I love your stupid ass which is why I’m on my hands and knees building shitty Swedish furniture in your empty apartment.” Ashlyn lifted the screwdriver with a triumphant flourish. “Ha-hah! Finished with the vanderhousen or the schiggendorfel or some other weird named thing.”

     “I think that’s the Malm,” Kelley said, consulting a list at her side. “Yeah, the Malm nightstand in espresso.”

     Ashlyn gave her a look. “Kel, I give less than a rat turd about what these are actually called. I’d only care of it was Swedish for ‘comes-pre-built’.”

     “Is that a compound word?” Kelley cracked. “Real talk, I can’t thank you enough for doing this for me.”

     “Ah, no worries,” Ashlyn smiled. “It was you who drove back and forth to Denver with me to move all of my shit when I finally got a place here. It’s just time I paid back the favor. The interest is actually putting this junk together so you have somewhere to sleep next week when you get in.”

     “I wish it were earlier than seven at night,” Kelley said. “I’ve got that last meeting here and then doing a transfer over to the guy taking over my position. He’s working on the Cedar Point installation, and they want that rolling by next quarter.”

     “Can I come test this one out too?” Ashlyn asked. “I love being your test dummy for new rides.”

     “Sure,” Kelley agreed. “We can make it even more exciting and strap you in before the safety demos.”

     “Hey, I have life insurance now. Benefit of being employed. At least all of my shit would be paid off.” Ashlyn dragged another box towards her as she sat splayed on Kelley’s hardwood floor.

     “Yeah, just as long as it’s me in your will, buddy,” Kelley joked. “Is that the bedframe?”

     Ashlyn twisted it around, looking for the picture. When she found it, she nodded. “Yep. The noodlewagon-wiggenstorfel.”

     “In espresso?” Kelley asked, picking up a pen to cross another item off the list.

     “Ah shit,” Ashlyn groaned. “Nope.”

     “Those assholes. What color is it?”

     “Cappuccino,” Ashlyn deadpanned, shrugging her shoulders.

     It took Kelley a minute and then she chuckled, rolling her eyes. “You’re such an idiot.”

     “I’m taking a break,” Ashlyn said, splaying out on the ground and rolling into the sunlight streaming in through the open window. A breeze blew in, rustling the various instruction guides that littered the floor from Ashlyn’s previous successes. She closed her eyes and breathed in, listening to the flow of traffic coming from the street four stories down, the distant blaring of a fire engine in the background. “It’s great weather here this week,” she mused.

     “Let’s hope it sticks around.” Kelley picked up her laptop and took it with her as she walked through her boxed up apartment in Ohio. “It’s already a bit chillier here than I’d like. It’ll be nice to be over on the east coast just in time for the season change. I want to do some cheesy fall shit.”

     “Ooh! I’ve wanted to go to Barton Orchard in Poughquag. They have slides and a haunted house.”

     “As long as I get a candy apple, I don’t care where we go. We can go next weekend!”

     “Can’t,” Ashlyn said with an amused sigh. “Remember? That’s my super-secret birthday dinner that I don’t know about.”

     “Oh yeah,” Kelley replied. “Don’t forget, when you inevitably reveal that you knew, it wasn’t me who told you.” She cracked open a cranberry La Croix and took a long drink. “You have a busy October, don’t you?”

     “I do,” Ashlyn said, stretching across the floor and heaving herself up to sit. “After such a lazy summer, it’s a bit exhausting. I have prep work for the rest of this week and then there’s a party in the Hyatt at Grand Central on Saturday that I have to make an appearance at.”

     “Sounds fun. Too bad I can’t go with you. Remember that awesome gallery party in Portland?”

     “I actually _can’t_ ,” Ashlyn grinned. “But I think that’s the point.” She thought for a second. “Then there’s an Artists for Hilary dinner … _some_ Tuesday this month and then my birthday dinner,” she started to count off on her fingers, “exploratory committee meeting for an installation in Tokyo in January --“

     “Okay, okay,” Kelley interrupted. “I’m done listening to your busy social calendar. You’re popular, I get it.” She smiled at the computer screen when Ashlyn stuck her tongue out. “Don’t forget you have to make time for me once I move there. I’m not relocating halfway across the country just to be ignored, you know.”

     “No, it’s to lead up the revamp of Coney Island. Don’t pretend it’s me and not the money.”

     Kelley sighed dramatically. “Well, when you’ve gotten as used to a _fabulous_ lifestyle as I have, you do what you have to do.”

     Ashlyn picked up her half-empty water bottle and toasted it to the laptop with a grin. “To being wealthy, wealthy adults.”

     “Hear, hear,” Kelley said, and took another drink of her La Croix. “A whole lot better than college.”

     “Shit,” Ashlyn replied. “A whole lot better than when I first got here. Remember _that_?”

     “I try not to,” Kelley shuddered. “But hey, you earned it. You worked your ass off and you kept hope in your dream. Most other people would’ve given up.”

     “I think that makes me stupid,” Ashlyn said, raising an eyebrow.

     “No, shut up,” Kelley replied, waving a hand at her. “I’m trying to be nice. Really – you’ve done amazing. And I’m proud of you. It’s been awesome watching you for the last year and a half. You deserve it all.”

     Ashlyn looked down, trying to shrug off her bashfulness. “Aw Kel,” she said, rubbing the back of her neck. Then, she looked up suddenly. “This isn’t some ploy to get me to finish building all of the cabinetry, is it?”

     “Depends,” Kelley said. “Is it working?”

* * *

      “This is Ali Krieger.”

     Her phone had been ringing all day, and Ali was sick of answering, sick of the falsely cheery voice that she had to put on each time. She’d been in this job for just over three weeks, and she was already missing her quiet office back in Georgetown.

     She’d been in that job for a little under a year when Evan had started, and it took another six months for them to hook up after going out drinking with their friends. Ali remembered waking up next to her the next morning and engaging in a charade of post-sex brunch to be nice, only to have it lead to crazed afternoon sex and a dinner of takeout before they went back to the bedroom.

     It’d been easy, sleeping with Evan – at least at first. Ali thought they were both content to play it cool as friends with benefits, _coworkers with benefits_ , she reminded herself, but the night Ali brought over a bag of clothes for work, things shifted. She’d only meant to be prepared for the next day; the two of them had a tendency to fuck until the wee hours of the morning, no matter if it was a weeknight or not. It was easier to just sleep there and take the train in together.

     However, Evan had cornered her at lunch that day and gave her this whole speech about being “excited” about their progress. She mentioned meeting families, taking vacations together, and even talked about emptying a drawer for Ali to keep some things permanently at Evan’s apartment.

     Ali knew she should’ve stopped it there. She _knew_ that she should’ve been clear from the start that it was meant to be a one-time thing, and she was only interested in being friends. But the look on her face was so innocently happy and hopeful, and if Ali were honest, she enjoyed the tentative connection that she was making with another person after a few years of meaningless hookups. Perhaps it could develop?

     Of course, that was before Evan started talking about moving in together the following spring, and Ali knew that she couldn’t handle that. They had decent enough sex, nothing to write home about but the recollections were enough to distract her during business meetings that should’ve been kept as email chains. Kyle met her once during a visit to D.C. and after Evan had left for spin class, he looked at Ali with raised eyebrows.

     “You’re not serious, AK,” he said.

     Ali shrugged. “She’s … nice.”

     “ _Nice_ ,” he repeated. “Nice is for baristas and Uber drivers. How’s she in bed?”

     “Kyle!”

     “No, for real. This is important.”

     “She’s … I don’t know.” Ali thought for a minute, scrunching up her nose.

     “That’s promising.”

     “Okay, she means well,” she insisted, and Kyle burst out laughing.

     “She _means well_?” he asked, through deep, gasping breaths. “Oh honey. I’ll break up with her for you.”

     “When’s your flight leaving again?” Ali grumbled.

     Ali began the long, drawn out process of slowly extricating herself from the semi-relationship that had built between the two of them. She had hoped that using their shared office as an excuse would work, but of course once her other team members found out, they became the office couple.

     “Isn’t this some rule against professionalism?” Ali griped on the phone to Christen. “Or was that just a cliché from television?”

     “You’d think it would be a thing. Ah, just a second,” Christen said, and then her voice was muffled amidst other female voices. Ali had caught her just before practice and had mentioned she was going into the locker room. “Okay, I’m back. Yeah, you’d think they would want it to stop. I mean, I play sports and it’s a thing to not date teammates.”

     “Yeah well, they don’t really want you guys to be gay, do they? You’re all … I don’t know, on cereal boxes and shit,” Ali smiled. “Speaking of, mom sent me a clip of you in the ticker tape parade last year. You look so adorable, Pressy.”

     “Aww, tell Deb Deb I say hi! But anyway – what are you going to do? You’ve been trying to break it off for like, a month now.”

     Ali sighed. “I don’t know. I want to be her friend and have it be normal. I just wish we hadn’t slept together in the first place.”

     “Well, you know what they say about shitting where you eat – Ah! Stop it, _stop it!_ ” Christen started giggling and Ali had to pull the receiver away from her ear when she heard the scratching from the other side, imagining Christen’s phone being muffled against her body. “Tobin! Don’t tickle me! Ugh, anyway. Sorry,” she said, breathless from laughter. “Teammates being dumb.”

     “Uh huh,” Ali said slyly. “Was that the Tobin you told me about over Christmas?”

     “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Christen said airily. “Stop trying to change the subject. What are _you_ going to do?”

     Ali sighed and rubbed her face. “Okay, okay. It’s not a big deal. I’m being stupid, right? I just need to be a grown woman and face this head on and break it off. I will be honest and tell her I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

     “Is that honest though or is it really that you don’t want to be in a relationship with her?”

     “Okay, now you’re splitting hairs.”

     However, Ali’s intentions of being a mature grown up hadn’t gone exactly to plan. Instead, four days later when they went to dinner, Ali hadn’t been able to tell Evan that she was going to break it off and instead plodded along for a few more weeks until she came up with another brilliant idea.

            **Julia:** How many places have you applied to?

            **Ali:** feels like a thousand. ive had a few facetime interviews and some phone calls but no offers. uggggh.

            **Julia:** Can I convince you to apply down here? Austin is nice and we have lots of sunshine and cowboys. ;) Cowgirls too.

            **Ali:** haha tempting. im tryin to get to la or up to nyc. we’ll see though. just pray for me girl.

            **Julia** : Will do!

     Ali picked up her glass of red wine and leaned back into her pillows, closing her eyes from the combined glare of her laptop and phone screen. She’d been applying and replying to emails all evening. All she wanted to do was rest, maybe catch up on Orange is the New Black and go to bed. She was just about to reach for her remote when she heard the ping from her Gmail.

     Luckily, it was a bite. In fact, it was more of a mouthful. She’d applied to the company as a long shot – she definitely didn’t think she was good enough to be offered anything serious. It had seemed like more of an exercise in applying, to be honest. However, here it was: a bona fide offer as staff copywriter with a starting salary well above what she had planned on asking for, should they get to that point. _Is this even real?_

     She’d replied back as quickly as possible and received a phone call the next morning. All in all, it had been a fairly quick transition. On Monday, she’d been plodding along in Georgetown and by Thursday afternoon, her offer letter was signed and she was searching for an apartment to lease in Brooklyn within the next three weeks.

     Evan had taken it well, but then again, she’d known that Ali was looking for jobs elsewhere. Sure, she hadn’t known how serious she was, nor that she was rather close to the stage of desperate, but when Ali had explained the benefits for her career in one of the best cities for advertising, Evan had understood.

     There’d been a brief conversation about continuing long distance three days before Ali left as they had a final dinner together. Kyle was flying in the next day to help her move, and she wouldn’t be able to get in time with her again.

     “We could split weekends,” Evan suggested as Ali ate a spoonful of pho. “You drive down two, I drive up two.”

     Ali tried as hard as she could to keep panic off her face as she swallowed and put her spoon down. “I mean, parking in New York is crazy. It’d be expensive. Not to mention miles on your car. Isn’t it leased?”

     “It’s not that fair of a train ride,” Evan said, quirking her cheek. “There are even buses.”

     “I wouldn’t let you take a bus,” Ali said. “That’s crazy. You can’t ever count on them.”

     Evan frowned down at her plate. “I just … we’re not just giving up, are we?”

     Ali paused, watching her face. She had a choice; she could placate her and say whatever she needed to avoid a long, drawn out conversation, or she could be honest. She knew the benefits of both, and the first option was definitely more in line with how she’d been acting but truly … it was time to grow up. _Twenty-six seems like a good time to do so_ , she thought as she took a deep breath.

     “Evan,” she said, reaching across the table to take her hand. “I didn’t expect this, you and me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but it found me anyway. You’re …” Evan looked at her, tears building in her eyes. “You’re great. You are seriously a really great person and I have had a lot of fun with you.”

     “Yeah, I know where this is going,” Evan mumbled.

     Ali smiled kindly. “Look, the last time I wanted to break something off but didn’t have the nerve to, I wasn’t brave enough to say what I wanted to say. And … you have no idea how much I regret that.”

     “Yeah?” Evan asked, quietly sniffling.

     “Yeah. I didn’t want to make up some stupid excuse and ghost on you. I want to be honest. I want to be friends, if that’s what you want. I wanna hang out when I come down and see you if you ever visit New York.” Ali reached to hand her a napkin. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t the most awesome thing to hear, but I do mean it: you’re a great person.”

     Evan sighed, dabbing under her eyes. “I suppose I should’ve expected this.”

     “What do you mean?”

     She gave her a watery smile. “You’re not as clever as you think, Krieger. I knew you were applying all over God’s green creation to get away.”

     “It’s not … I’m not – I mean, I’ve always thought about New York,” Ali spluttered.

     “Just a plus,” Evan said with a grin. “You’ve always been … farther than I could reach. I’ve had fun with you these few months but …” she sighed again. “You’re a fortress. It’s like, you don’t want to give in. You don’t want to relax. You don’t want to have intimacy with anyone. I don’t know what what’s a result of, but I do hope you overcome it.” She patted Ali’s hand before letting go. “Or else you’re going to be awful lonely.”

     When she’d dropped Evan off that night, giving her a long, lingering, final kiss, she thought about how interesting it had been that she’d been so cleanly pegged and by someone she didn’t know could notice. It worried her to think about the image she gave off to others, some impenetrable ice queen who avoided feelings at all cost. It hadn’t been her intention. It’d just been to avoid thinking about things that couldn’t happen, to keep herself from bringing them into everything she did.

     Ali hung up the phone and leaned back in her chair, pushing away from her desk and doing a slow twirl. She watched the sunlight on the ceiling twinkle against reflections from cars down below, as well as the windows of other buildings. She had been given a small office on the south side of the building; it was hardly bigger than a broom closet and it was far from being a corner, but it was still a step up from the cubicle in Georgetown.

     Life was moving forward, ever forward. She had upward momentum with her career, had recently relocated to one of her dream cities, and there was even talk of Kyle leaving Los Angeles for the East Coast. It couldn’t be better.

     Except, for the shrill ring of her phone that startled her from her reverie. With a sigh, she reached for it.

     “Hi, this is Ali Krieger. How can I help you?”

     “Hey Ali, it’s Gina.” The sound of her boss’ voice had Ali sit up straighter in her chair.

     “Yes ma’am. What can I help you with?”

     “I just received an invitation to a party that I can’t make it to this weekend and I was wondering if I could send you in my stead. Do you have any plans for Saturday night?”

* * *

      It was another Saturday night, another party; I’ve been to a dozen of these alone this year. I didn’t know it back in school. We didn’t go over the whole “if you make it as a popular artist, you have to socialize like crazy”. Seems a little stupid now to think it wouldn’t be part of it, but there you have it.

     It was always the same mix of people. There were the artists, like myself. We sort of did a dance of parading around and presenting our wares and then trying to mix with the upper echelon guests who could commission future work as elegantly as possible. The beginning of the evening was always for presentation and cocktails, frothing flutes of champagne and slivers of hors d’oeuvres floating around on silver platters. It was polite conversation with the right people, lots of handshakes and ass kissing.

     The second part of the evening was once the adults had gone home. Inevitably, especially in New York City, those who wished to partake in more debauchery than their tailored suits would allow migrated either to a private suite upstairs or a nearby bar that would accommodate. I’d had my share of second phase nights; the thrill was intoxicating. To be admired and desired, to be among those who were infinitely more sought after than myself, even despite my success: it was thrilling. Who doesn’t want to be wanted? Who doesn’t want to feel even a small amount of celebrity and status?

     However, for a reason I wasn’t exactly sure of, I didn’t go tonight. When the silent siren call rang out for those who wanted to strip themselves of finely defined exteriors, I didn’t answer. I saw the movement like I had dozens of times before. Small capsules of white powder slipped through fingers and into pockets, quiet calculations of the number of bottles being taken along: party favors. The taste of the cheap-but-could-fool-you champagne for the general attendees lingered on my tongue and I watched as a bottle of Belvedere nearly the size of my nephew was hefted from a table. I was tempted.

     But I stayed. Two of my friends from our showing in San Francisco nodded their heads towards the elevator bay; _are you coming_ they asked. I watched a group of them go, a mass of lingering hands and hungry mouths seeking a more acute form of art for the remainder of the evening. I shook my head and smiled. _Not tonight_.

     For a long time, I’m going to think it fate. I never wanted to believe in it, not after college and everything I’d felt back then. I never wanted to relinquish control of my life in the same fashion ever again. After four long years of wistful pining and longing, I had finally processed and put all of those feelings away. I told myself to not believe in fate, to not give in to the idea of destiny and fairytale endings.

     Except I’m standing at the bar in the Grand Hyatt, half-drunk on champagne and compliments from the who’s who of New York City, and Ali fucking Krieger is standing at me with that same fucking smile on her face. She’s wearing a dress that is a direct production of sin and desire, hugging her body and leaving a silhouetted outline of every curve I used to own with my hands and mouth and tongue. Her hair is up in a knot at the back of her head, her jawline angled yet softened with the pink tinge of her cheeks. She’s stunning.

     “Hi.” Jesus fucking Christ, her voice is the exact same. “Remember me?”

     I just nod. I’ve imagined us meeting again and I always say really clever, suave things and all I can do is nod like an idiot.

     “Hi,” I say back to her, but my voice breaks like a fifteen-year-old boy’s. She smiles and I clear my throat. “Hello, Ali.” Her name in my mouth burns more than that whole bottle of vodka.

     “It’s strange, isn’t it?” Is she really going to play all of this completely blasé?

     I nod again. I remember the two champagne glasses in my hand, meant for other people, but I bring one to my lips to drain it in one long gulp. When I look back at her, she has the nerve to still be smiling at me.

     “Impressive,” she says, and it looks like she’s cool and collected but when she goes to take a drink from her own flute, her hand is shaking.

     “What … when … how long are you in the city?” There are a million questions. A million after that.

     “I live here.” Of course, she does. “I work over at Jacobsen.”

     “Oh.” Can’t drink the other glass, no matter how much I desperately want to. I need to regain some small amount of pride. “I thought you were down in D.C.”

     “I was. I actually just moved up here a few weeks ago. I have a place out in Brooklyn. You look …” Please don’t. Please, please don’t. “Happy.”

     I force a smile. “I am, yeah. I’m happy. The art thing has worked out well. Bumpy start, but working out.”

     She frowns a little and I suddenly feel angry. I don’t want her pity. I don’t want that look. Stop it. “Actually, working out better than that. I’ve earned a few awards and I have some impressive commissions. I’m lucky.”

     “More than that.” Okay, I don’t want her to be overly nice either. Am I going to be able to stand this? How many bottles of champagne do I think are going to be needed to forget that this is going so awkwardly? “You’re talented. You always have been.”

     “Didn’t know you thought that.” Fuck, I didn’t mean to come across that petulant either. Not a much better plan. I look behind her where a trio of men are looking in her direction and taking turns talking under their breath to one another. “You have some fans.”

     Ali turned to look at them and then waved. She looked back and rolled her eyes. “Potential clients. I’m actually…” She grins, and it’s the same smile that used to set my world in a spin. How is she exactly the same? How is everything the same? So much time has passed and yet I’m still stunned speechless in her presence. Get a fucking grip, Harris. “I’m actually only here because my boss couldn’t come. She called me and asked if I wanted to come to make some contacts. It’s … it’s some weird sort of fate, isn’t it?”

     I force another smile and fuck it, I’m going to take the other glass. The champagne goes down smoothly and I’m definitely wishing that I were upstairs opening that bottle of Belvedere. “Some sort of something,” I say, grinning at her halfway through the glass.

     “Nervous?” she asks and I’m about to make some flippant comment but when I look at her, those big brown eyes are soft and sympathetic. She’s chewing on the corner of her lip and is looking at me like she used to, back when things weren’t …

     So, I just nod. It feels like I’m a bobble head. “It’s a little mind-blowing.”

     “It is,” she agrees, and she finishes her glass. She watches the edge as she twirls the flute in her hand; her nails are longer now and I figure that she must not be sleeping with women. The thought in my head turns to ice before she speaks again. “Ashlyn …” she falters, only slightly. “Can we – is it okay if we go somewhere to talk?”

     But I never get the chance to respond. Instead, I feel a hand slide up my back and around my shoulder when Alex comes up next to me. She looks down at the empty glasses in my hand and smirks. “Those were supposed to be for me, you jerk.”

     “Yeah, sorry,” I say and when Alex goes up on her toes to kiss my cheek, I can’t bear to watch Ali’s face in the corner of my eye. “I got thirsty.”

     “Clearly,” Alex says, and she wraps an arm around my waist while turning to face Ali, who is struggling to compose herself. “Hi! Babe, who’s your friend?”

     “Alex, this is Ali Krieger. She’s an old friend from college.” Don’t look her in the eye, don’t look her in the eye. “Ali, this is my girlfriend, Alex Morgan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides from pitchforks*


	30. you tempt my anxious mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn's birthday dinner as well as Ashlyn and Ali's first time hanging out since college.

     “Donuts!” Ashlyn announced as she came through Kelley’s front door, edging around two large suitcases that appeared to have been left unceremoniously in the entry hall. “Kel?”

     There was a general groan of discontent coming from the back bedroom and Ashlyn followed it, walking down the hallway as she started rifling through the bag. “So, I picked up a couple of eclairs, some iced donuts of different frosting varieties, two of the cream filled ones ‘cause we fight over them, and look, there was just _one_ bear claw left but I figure that because I went the extra mile and put away your dishes that it should be mine – hello, friend.”

     Kelley was splayed out in the middle of her bed, sheets a tangled mess around her feet. She reached over to her bedside table to retrieve her phone, glaring at the tiny screen before rolling over. “It’s six in the morning, you asshole.”

     “I’m sorry darling, your voice was lost in the down feathers. Did you say that I’m beautiful and you love me?” Ashlyn toed off her shoes before climbing on top of the bed, making sure to keep the bag upright as she nestled on top of her friend. “So, does that mean you’re not going to fight me for the bear claw?”

     “If there’s not a blueberry cake in there, you’re getting a fist in the face.”

     Ashlyn made a fake gasp and grinned when Kelley flipped over to give her an evil eye. “Gotcha. Of course, I do.” She handed over the bag and made sure to wiggle her ass over Kelley’s hip before she climbed up. “Did you see your welcome gift I left you?”

     “Hard to miss with the giant red bow and confetti everywhere. Did you happen to get me a broom as well?” As Ashlyn walked towards the kitchen, Kelley’s words became muddled by what she assumed was a mouthful of donut. “I don’t know what the different colors mean.”

     “Me either,” Ashlyn said, reaching on the countertop for a box of Nespresso pods. She eyed the description before pulling two of them out. “Alex turned me on to this thing. She has a whole method and an order that she likes them in but I just do two long shots and some milk. Works for my caffeine addiction.”

     “You know, a Keurig works just fine. I don’t like a coffee machine being smarter than me.” The sound of bare feet padding along wood floors announced Kelley’s approach to the kitchen.

     “That’s a lot coming from an engineer.” Ashlyn reached and grabbed one of the four white coffee mugs sitting in Kelley’s sparse cabinet. Once she’d placed everything, she pressed the appropriate flashing button and turned to face her friend. “Okay, I’ve given you enough lead time. There’s something I haven’t told you yet.”

     “Oh, I know,” Kelley said, finishing the last bite of blueberry donut. “I saw the dent in the wardrobe. It’s not a big deal. I’ll just turn that side towards the corner. No one will see it.”

     “No, you idiot, listen.” Ashlyn handed Kelley the steaming mug and placed another to be filled. “You won’t fucking believe who I ran into last weekend at that gallery party at Grand Central.”

     “Moby? Rhianna? Oh my God!” Kelley’s eyes went wide. “Did you meet Kim Kardashian? Is her ass really that huge? I’ve always wanted to know.”

     Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “No, even worse. Better? In either case, Ali fucking Krieger was there.”

     Judging from the way the coffee mug only made it halfway to Kelley’s dropped open mouth, Ashlyn figured it surprised her just as much. After a few seconds of blinking silence, Kelley stuttered, “W-wait, like … Ali Krieger, the girl you used to date in college, Ali Krieger? That one?”

     “Yep,” Ashlyn said. “That exact one.”

     “You know, I’ve always wanted to use the word ‘nonplussed’ and as potentially disastrous this piece of information is, I’m so happy to be given this opportunity. I’m nonplussed.” Kelley finally took a drink, still staring Ashlyn down. She shook her head again, taking a pause as she exhaled. “What did you say? What did she say? Like, take me through the details.”

     Ashlyn took a sip from her mug and leaned against the fridge, allowing her head to fall back. “She was just _there_ ,” she said to the ceiling, wrapping her hands around the warm ceramic. “I was talking to some people I know and I heard someone say my name. When I turned around, it was her. She looked …”

     “Old? Haggard? Not remotely like anyone you’d ever consider having feelings for or thinking about naked?”

     “The exact opposite of all of those, unfortunately.” Kelley swore under her breath and Ashlyn nodded through another sip. “Exactly. And she was so annoyingly cool. She just like … ‘hi’ in that voice of hers and she just chatted about it being fate that we ran into each other. You know, she lives here now. Like, she’s in this city somewhere right now, as we speak.”

     “I mean, she’s still in advertising, right? I guess that makes sense.” Kelley took a bite out of an éclair, licking a glob of filling from the corner of her mouth.

     “I hadn’t kept track of her,” Ashlyn said to the contents of her cup. “I mean, you know, not since …”

     “Not since Alex, right,” Kelley nodded and then shook her head. “Wait, Alex. Did Alex see her?”

     “Oh yeah,” Ashlyn said, rolling her eyes. “I’m standing and staring and then Alex walks up like the head of the welcome wagon.”

     “Did you tell her?”

     “Did I tell her what?” But Ashlyn knew exactly what Kelley was asking, and based on her raised eyebrows, there was no sense in pretending. “Look, there wasn’t time to figure out what to say. I was still trying to remember how to breathe when Alex came up to us. I didn’t think it was going to be a thing.”

     “So, you said what exactly?” Kelley asked.

     “You know, that we were friends from college.” Off of another of Kelley’s looks, Ashlyn raised her shoulders. “What? I mean, that’s like, derivative of the truth.”

     “Dude, I was there when you brought the ring. That wasn’t derivative of the truth, that was like … perpendicular to the truth. That was absolute value of the truth. That was some other math term for ‘you literally couldn’t have been lying harder’.”

     “Easy,” Ashlyn said, scoffing. “It wasn’t a lie. It was just, you know, gently fondling the truth.”

     “Uh huh,” Kelley murmured, taking another drink. “Anyway, what happened then?”

     “Well, that’s where it gets really fun. Once I tell Alex we knew each other in college, she starts going on and on about how I don’t talk much about my time there –”Kelley scoffed and Ashlyn nodded, “Right? Anyway, so she says that I don’t talk about it, but she wants to know more about it so she _invites her to my birthday dinner_.”

     “Your super-secret birthday dinner?” Kelley’s eyes went wide and then she held a hand out. “Wait, she doesn’t know I’m the one that told you, right?”

     “Focus Kelley. Ex-girlfriend met current girlfriend and was invited to dinner.”

     “Right, right. Go on.”

     “Thank you,” Ashlyn said, fishing for another donut. “And yes, she knows you’re the one who told me.”

     “Fuck.”

     “So anyway, she tells Ali that she’s invited and says ‘here’s my number’ and they start fucking exchanging information right in front of me.”

     “Oh my God. What did you do?”

     “Drank three more glasses of champagne within two minutes and I kind of started to lose track after that.”

     “Solid idea, buddy,” Kelley said, finishing her mug and putting it on the counter. She leaned back, pinching off a piece of Ashlyn’s forgotten bear claw as she watched her stare off into the distance. “Well,” she started cautiously, “what are you going to do?”

     “What else can I do?” Ashlyn asked, shrugging. “I’ve got to have my ex-girlfriend come into my apartment I share with my new girlfriend as we celebrate my birthday and try not to think about the fact that I haven’t seen her in four years.”

     “Well, except for all of the soft-stalking you did on her Instagram and Facebook.”

     “Thanks, Kel.”

     “Anytime.”

* * *

      “Good thing you aren’t a first responder because I texted you ‘911’ days ago,” Ali snapped into the phone as she answered.

     "You’re supposed to _call_ for an emergency, not text,” Christen replied, exhaling deeply and Ali heard a loud sound that she imagined was her best friend’s body falling onto her couch. “I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for weeks now. I’m so exhausted. You’d think when we messed up the Olympics that we’d get some free time but no. League this and advertisements that.”

     “Oh, and that naked photo shoot you told me about, right? Important stuff.” Ali grinned into the phone as Christen laughed.

     “I have a funny story to tell you about that,” Christen said. “But you go first. You’re the one with the 911 after all.”

     “Guess where I am,” Ali said, lowering her voice as she walked into the next store. On Christen’s silence, she continued. “Fifth avenue.”

     “Oh no, do you need me to call and cut off your credit cards again? How much damage have you done this time?”

     “Au contraire. I’m not shopping for me. I’m shopping for _Ashlyn_.” Ali went quiet, waiting for Christen’s reaction.

     “I think I have some fuzz in my ear. Did you say Ashley?”

     “Nope. Ashlyn as in Ashlyn Harris. You know, the blonde girl I dated in college and basically ruined her life before I left for Europe.” Ali perused the aisles at the Adidas store, taking in the latest sports fashion.

     “You’re kidding. Why are you doing that? I think I missed a step somewhere,” Christen said, and there was the crack of a bottle top and fizz of carbonation on the line before she took a few gulps. “When did you meet Ashlyn again and why are you shopping for her?”

     Ali sighed, still wondering herself how things had happened. “My new boss sent me to this party last weekend at the last minute because she got tied up and couldn’t go. I was just supposed to be schmoozing and looking for new clients to refer and she was there. Apparently, she’s a big deal.”

     “Oh, must’ve been for the deal she made with Topman for their Fashion Week show next year.” When Ali stuttered in confusion, Christen said, “What? You told me you didn’t want to know about what she was doing but that didn’t mean I didn’t keep up with it. We’re still friends on the F-B.”

     “You could’ve mentioned she was in the city I was moving to,” Ali grumbled.

     “Honestly babe, I didn’t know. She’s been all over the place. I’d seen a few pictures of a place that looked vaguely like a consistent apartment but it’s hard to tell.” Right before Ali could pop something back, she continued. “So, was her girlfriend there?”

     Ali rolled her eyes. “I’m beginning to feel like the only person who didn’t know what I was about to get into.”

     “Honey, I didn’t know you were going to run into her. New York is a stupidly large city. Truly, the fact that you guys _did_ run into each other is like … fate or something,” Christen said and Ali scoffed.

     “Yes, I met the girlfriend. Brunette, fantastic tits, stupidly pretty face? Yep. Of course, she totally had that ‘my boyfriend is the captain of the football team’ vibe about her which was slightly annoying but whatever.”

     “Yeah, whatever,” Christen said delicately. “So, you ran into her. I’m guessing it went well so you’re going shopping for her? No, that still doesn’t make sense. Connect the dots.”

     Ali picked up a particularly garish yellow pair of high top sneakers and looked at them with disgust before moving on. “Well, the perky might-as-well-be-in-high-school girlfriend –“

     “I think she’s a junior at NYU,” Christen interjected. “Sorry, go on.”

     “Like, do you subscribe to the Ashlyn newsletter or something?” Ali snapped. Then she sighed, sitting down on one of the black benches nearby. “Ugh, no. I’m sorry. I’m just … Whatever her name is invited me to Ashlyn’s stupid birthday party this weekend.”

     “ _No_ ,” Christen said, breathing into the phone. “You’re kidding. Did you fake an illness?”

     “I wish I’d thought that fast,” Ali said, fidgeting with the seam of her Saint Laurent leather jacket. “Ashlyn told her we were _friends_ from college, and then the girlfriend was talking about how she didn’t know anything about those years and she was inviting me along. Ashlyn didn’t say anything. She just started downing champagne.”

     “That’s helpful,” Christen said. “Ugh, that sounds awful. You agreed to go?”

     “What else was I supposed to say?” Ali asked. “I didn’t even know what I was saying. I think I was buzzed already and then I had been fake peppy all night with these guys that we’re trying to get and I guess all of that just made me say ‘Sure! Sounds great! Here’s my number’.” Ali groaned into the phone. “Chris, I’m so stupid. What am I going to do?”

     “Well, that depends.”

     “Depends on what?”

     “Do you want to go?”

     Ali swallowed the retort she had ready and instead focused on the one thing she’d been trying to ignore since Saturday. How _did_ she feel about seeing Ashlyn? After four long years of stowing away every bit of feeling for her, it was as though the dam was getting ready to break. She’d been gorgeous, and if Ali were even a little honest with herself, she would admit that part of her wanted to drink in the sight of her again. Also, she felt a mixture of pride and curiosity about the way Ashlyn’s career had taken off – she wanted the full story.

     However, she didn’t need a therapist to tell her she was jealous of Alex. She knew her name, how could she have forgotten? How could she have forgotten that detail, let alone the way she curled around Ashlyn’s bicep and the way she’d kissed her on the cheek as though she knew the feel of her skin by memory – just the way Ali had once upon a time? Call it being a glutton for punishment, Ali wanted to see them interact more. Maybe to see if it was real? But to what end?

     “I want to make sure she’s happy,” Ali said, not realizing she was answering. “I want to know that things didn’t end for her that year and that she didn’t just crawl away into the dark and I didn’t use her as a stepping stone to meet my own goals.”

     “So, you want to soothe your own guilt?” Christen asked. “Seems a steep price to pay.”

     “It’s not just that,” Ali said, biting her lip. “It’s about … closure. I never got it, you know. I just sort of shut it all down and moved forward. I never bothered to do it the right way.”

     “I mean, that’s fair,” Christen said hesitantly. “But do you think you’ll get closure going to her birthday dinner with her and her girlfriend?”

     Ali thought for a minute. Truly, it was a long shot but there was something about that meeting that felt like an inescapable pull. For so long she’d put it out of her head that she would ever get any sort of resolution with Ashlyn, and now it was in her face and waving about; it would be foolish to ignore it, wouldn’t it?

     “Gotta try, don’t I?” Ali sighed. “So, that brings me to the next part of our conversation.”

     “What’s that?”

     “What do you get for your ex-girlfriend that you haven’t seen in four years and want to give her something memorable but something that doesn’t tick off her current girlfriend and start a bitch fit in the middle of a loft in Williamsburg?”

     “Hmm, is there a Hallmark card for that?”

* * *

      Saturday arrived and Ashlyn was no closer to being prepared to see Ali again than she had been before her unceremonious appearance at the gallery party. She’d spent the last few days with Kelley lamenting her worry and debating the chance of Ali showing up at all.

     “Honestly, dude, I doubt she shows,” Kelley said for what felt like the thirtieth time.

     “You really think so?” Ashlyn asked as they walked down the aisle in the liquor store, perusing for their favorite bottles. She picked out a bottle of vodka, running her hand over the label but not really seeing anything as she considered. “I mean, she could’ve just made some sort of excuse there if she wasn’t going to come, right?”

     Kelley shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe she didn’t want to seem rude in the moment. Maybe she’s had time to think it over and would rather wax her eyelashes.”

     “Nice,” Ashlyn said, rolling her eyes. “I mean, in all likelihood, she won’t even be there tomorrow, right?”

     “Right,” Kelley replied, running her fingers along the bottles of gin. “Except, if she is.”

     Her indecision kept her awake well into the night the whole week, willing herself to fall asleep as she counted each of Alex’s deep breaths beside her. She tossed and turned, finding herself too hot and too cold, pillows too stiff and too soft and both enjoying Alex’s presence in their bed and wishing she’d take off to her parents’ house upstate for a few days. As annoying as it was, after such a long time, Ali’s mere appearance in her life already had her so unsettled.

     Ashlyn rolled to face the large wall of windows in their industrial style loft, watching the play of lights and shadows on the ceiling spin and twirl from traffic a few stories down. She pummeled the pillow into what she hoped would be a more comfortable shape as she urged her body to give up and give in to sleep. _I’m making this into a bigger deal than it is_ , she thought to herself.

     In truth, it could be nothing. Ali could decline to show and that would be that. Ashlyn would keep watch for the next few months, anticipating her presence at any shows, and would be prepared if they crossed paths. They would be pleasant but short, and no more invitations to spend time together would be extended. If she never saw Ali again, it was even simpler; eventually she wouldn’t worry about it anymore and life could continue as it had been.

 _But…_ the thought lingered in her head like an out of tune chord. What if she _did_ show up? What if they _did_ talk, and really talk? What if …?

     “Stop it,” Ashlyn whispered to herself out loud. _I won’t go there. I’m done with that._

     “You okay babe?” Alex’s sleepy voice mumbled from the pillow beside her, and Ashlyn smiled softly when she felt her slender arms wrap around her from behind.

     “Mhmm,” Ashlyn murmured. “Bad dream.”

     “C’mere baby,” Alex cooed, sliding on top of Ashlyn as she rolled onto her back. “I’ll hold you.”

     Holding turned into kissing, turned into moaning, turned into Ashlyn falling asleep bare naked, wrapped around Alex’s smaller frame, allowing her mind to blissfully drift into dreams and away from any thought of college or the girl she knew there.

     Saturday was a different question altogether. She watched as Alex and her best friend finished setting things up for the party, straightening banners and ensuring they had the proper amount of food for the ten to twelve expected guests. It was meant to be a small dinner; Ashlyn had stressed to Alex many times before that she wasn’t big on huge gatherings, particularly ones meant for her. She smiled at her girlfriend, taking a moment to be grateful for her.

     However, the buzzer began to go off right at that moment, announcing the first of their guests. Ashlyn’s stomach began to tighten and she braced herself against the kitchen island in their open concept living area as Alex went to open the door.

     “Hi!” She said, full of cheer. “Come in!”

     Ashlyn released the breath she didn’t know she was holding when she saw it was just one of the artists she toured with the previous spring. He’d arrived with his boyfriend, and the two of them busied themselves with hanging up their jackets and going over hellos with Alex. Kelley sidled up next to Ashlyn, handing her a vodka soda.

     “It’s like Russian Roulette but with a girl. Russian … Brunette. But isn’t she German? Ah, I fucked that joke up. In any case, that doorbell is giving me an anxiety attack and I’m not even emotionally invested.”

     “You know what Kelley,” Ashlyn said, wrapping her arm around her friend’s shoulder and pulling her close. “Without you, I’m not sure how I’d get all of my inside thoughts on the outside.”

     “I do what I can,” Kelley replied, taking a drink from her Moscow mule.

     The buzzer rang again just as the artist, Jasper, walked over. Ashlyn tried her hardest to focus on her greetings, but she was sure she lingered awkwardly as she hugged him while she craned to see who was coming through the door. All for naught again; one of Alex’s friends. She breathed a sigh of relief, but still braced herself when the woman announced there was someone coming up the stairs behind her.

     On and on the greetings went, and Ashlyn thought that by the seventeenth minute of arrivals, she was likely to be sick. However, the buzzing was getting farther and farther in between and Alex was beginning to talk about sitting down for the meal, having done the hostess duty of passing around drinks. It was with a sizeable amount of disappointment that Ashlyn crossed over to their large dining table, pulling out her chair to begin socializing.

     She’d gotten too comfortable. Approximately seven minutes later, she realized after the fact that someone must’ve let her in downstairs because the buzzer hadn’t rang, but there was a knock on the door and then Alex was letting Ali in. Immediately, her mouth went dry and her hands clenched the edge of the table. She was vaguely aware of dropping out of the conversation she was in, but when Ali looked over and met her eyes, there was nothing else to be done.

     Ashlyn rose from her chair and crossed over to the door, watching with mixed feelings as Alex brought Ali in for a tight hug. “I’m so glad you could come! Now you can regale us with college stories.”

     “Always happy to be of service,” Ali said, pulling up a bottle of rather good champagne. “And I didn’t come empty handed.”

     “Oh, you’re so sweet!” Alex gushed, leaning forward to kiss Ali on the cheek while taking the bottle. “You didn’t have to! This is so nice. Babe! Ali’s here.”

     But Ashlyn was already walking up behind them, making sure to slide a hand over the small of Alex’s back as she smiled at Ali. “Hi, thanks for coming.”

     “Thanks for inviting me.” Ali spoke about half of her greeting to the left of Ashlyn’s eyes, but she couldn’t blame her. The only thing keeping Ashlyn calm was the warmth coming from Alex standing next to her.

     “Come on in,” Alex said, taking Ali by the hand and leading her towards the dining area. “We’re just about to sit down for dinner. There’s a spot over between Ashlyn and –“

     “Kelley!” Ali exclaimed, lighting up. “Sorry,” she said to Alex, touching her arm but Kelley was already clambering up from the table and crossing to wrap Ali in a hug. “Oh my God, it’s been forever.”

     “Since graduation,” Kelley said, pulling back with a smile. Her eyes connected with Ashlyn’s as she crossed back over to them, stopping for a bottle opener first. “It’s good to see you.”

     “You too,” Ali replied, pulling out the chair next to the one Kelley had been in. The one that had her right next to … “Oh,” Ali said, looking up at Ashlyn as she came to take her seat. “I can … Um. Is this okay?”

     “It’s fine,” Ashlyn said serenely, glad no one at the table had noticed their aside as Alex had brought out the first tray of lasagna. As she set about serving, one of the things she insisted on at their semi-regular dinner parties, Ashlyn stayed hyper aware of where Ali’s body was and tried her hardest to stay away from it.

     “Drink, Ali?” Kelley asked as she stood next to the cart and Ali nodded.

     “I trust your judgement,” she said, and when she went to reach for her glass, her hand brushed across Ashlyn’s and she jumped back as though bitten. “Oh, um. Sorry.”

     “You’re okay,” Ashlyn said, and busied herself instead on turning to another of her friends and talking about the upcoming presidential election; anything to distract herself.

     Two hours and many empty liquor bottles later, the party had winded down to dessert and talk in the living room. Ashlyn sat on the end of the large sectional, Alex perched in her lap; she drew lazy circles with her fingers on Alex’s skin, intent on looking anywhere but across the room at Ali as she talked with Kelley.

     It hadn’t been that bad, but it had also been worse than she hoped. On one hand, Ali hadn’t awkwardly insisted on talking and that made it easy for Ashlyn to play gracious birthday girl without worry. On the other, Ali hadn’t really talked to her at all. If she were honest, she’d been praying for some sort of middle ground where Ali had been able to intuit exactly how much Ashlyn wanted to speak to her, and would only go that far. Still, she realized that was the kind of behavior she wanted from a girlfriend … Something she’d been able to expect from Ali years ago.

     “So, let’s hear it,” Alex said, calling over to Kelley and Ali who looked up. “I want to hear about Ashlyn in college.”

     Ali smiled graciously and looked at Kelley. “This is all you, bud.”

     “No, no,” Kelley said, raising her cup in a toast to Ashlyn. “I keep my best friend’s secrets.”

     Ashlyn raised her glass back. “You’re a saint, my friend.”

     Alex grinned while she pulled Ashlyn’s arm down, and was rewarded with a sloppy kiss on the neck. When Ashlyn turned back, she noticed Ali hastily digging through her purse, seemingly looking anywhere but at the two of them.

     “Really,” Alex said. “Come on, I want to hear more about it. These two never talk about it. I’m convinced they’re really in the CIA and didn’t go to UC Boulder like they said.”

     “Nope, they definitely did,” Ali said with a smile. She opened her mouth to speak and grinned, taking a pause before continuing. “I only knew them my last two years. What they got up to before then, I couldn’t say.”

     “Probably lots of girl hunting,” Alex said, nudging Ashlyn. “This one says she never had any serious girlfriends before me but with a face like that? Come on.”

     “’Lex,” Ashlyn chided, embarrassed. _Fuck_.

     She chanced a look at Ali who, to her absolute credit, was smiling good naturedly at Alex. “I couldn’t tell you about that,” she said, and Ashlyn wished more than anything that she didn’t recognize the way her voice dropped when she spoke. “Though you’d have expected more from two girls in a band.”

     “You were in a _band_?” Alex asked and Ashlyn groaned.

     “The jig is up,” she said over to Kelley who playfully pushed Ali over.

     “Sorry!” Ali said while laughing. “I didn’t know that was some big secret!”

     “What did you play?” Alex asked, turning and poking her fingers into Ashlyn’s ribs to tickle her. “Or were you the singer?”

     “Please, babe. You’ve heard me in the shower.” And immediately, like she had all night when she made a remark like that or touched Alex in any affectionate way, Ashlyn felt herself flush with embarrassment and she fought the urge to look in Ali’s direction. “It was just a college thing. No big deal.”

     “They were actually kind of cool,” Ali said, and when Ashlyn looked up, she was _definitely_ refusing to meet her eyes. “They were a big deal on campus. Girls swooned.”

     “Some super-hot lesbian in her super cool band, huh baby?” Alex asked, leaning to kiss Ashlyn’s neck. _God, when did she get so into PDA?_

     Ashlyn shrugged, playing it cool. “We were alright. It wasn’t a big deal.” _Change subjects. Change subjects now._ “Hey, Tana,” she called across the room, “you never got back to me about next Wednesday. Are we on?”

     “For birthday part two at Coney Island? Hell yeah. I’m in dude.”

     “Sweet. Jasper?”

     Once she went around, asking for confirmation, Ali spoke up. “You know, I’ve never been to Coney Island.”

     Ashlyn sighed inwardly. _What did you expect you fucking dumbass?_ Kelley turned to her, best friend recovery mode noticeable as she spoke. “You’ve gotta come. We’re meeting next Wednesday at noon for –“

     “Ashlyn’s actual birthday,” Ali said. “I’m totally in.”

     If she weren’t coming undone and trying to hide it, Ashlyn might’ve chuckled at Ali’s brazen defiance as she looked right at Ashlyn, eyebrow raised. It was reminiscent of all of the reasons she’d fallen for her before …

     “So,” Kelley said, standing and brushing her pants off. “Who’s up for some more pie?”

* * *

     “You know,” Ali said, walking along the sidewalk next to Kelley, “I’ve been managing the subway just fine since I got here. You didn’t have to escort me.”

     “It’s the gentlemanly thing to do,” Kelley said, nudging her with her shoulder. “You’ve been drinking ma’am, and I wanted to make sure you got to the train safely.”

     “Just a few stops,” Ali said, reaching out and checking her phone. “Truly, I should probably just Uber. I don’t really want to fuss with the train.”

     “Then I’ll wait with you.” Kelley rocked back on her heels, looking up and down the street as Ali began to tap on her phone to find the right app.

     As she pressed the button to confirm the ride, she chuckled. “Have you been assigned to Ali watch or is this just something you wanted to do on your own?” When Kelley gave her a look, Ali jerked her head back towards the apartment. “Are you two colluding?”

     “Ash?” Kelley asked and she shook her head. “Naw, I … I mean, I meant what I said dude. It’s cool to see you again. I heard about y’all running into each other at the party last week. Couldn’t have been the most comfortable thing ever.”

     “Not particularly,” Ali agreed.

     “Yeah, exactly. And I just … you know. The no serious girlfriends thing. I just … I love her, I really do. And I support her choices but …” She trailed off, scuffing her shoes against the pavement.

     “But?”

     “But that was kind of crappy. Kind of an inescapable situation but …”

     Ali shrugged, putting all of her effort into seeming unaffected. “It is what it is.”

     “Indeed,” Kelley said, and she smiled at her. “But hey. For real, Coney Island next week? It’d be a lot of fun and it’s not like you two will be the only ones there. We can hang out and catch up.”

     “That’d be nice,” Ali said, ignoring the fact that she’d decided in the apartment that she absolutely, no way in hell, would not be going. For some reason, the annoyance and embarrassment she felt at being erased from Ashlyn’s history, as well as the utter weirdness of watching Alex hang all over her all evening, spurred her to nod again. “I’ll definitely be there. Here, give me your number and I’ll text you so you have mine. We can coordinate.”

     “Awesome,” Kelley replied, looking up as a Prius pulled up to the curb. “Jesus that’s fast. These things are more reliable than cabs.”

     “Generally they smell better too,” Ali cracked, leaning back to check the license plate against the information on her phone. “Alright, I’ll text you. See you next week, Kel.”

     “Later,” Kelley said, and she turned to walk back towards Ashlyn and Alex’s loft.

     Ali thought about the evening on the way to her apartment, wondering how best to explain it to Christen later, as she was waiting up for a full update. There were many things she hadn’t expected, and she wasn’t sure she knew where to begin. The girlfriend, Kelley’s presence, Ashlyn’s insistence on reimagining her entire college career.

     One thing was for sure, Ali hoped that she hadn’t yet thrown away the receipt for the gift she’d bought Ashlyn, stowed away in the corner of her purse: a packet of guitar picks with the Colorado state flag printed on them; seemingly only able to serve for something else Ashlyn wanted to forget.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who else hears the engine revving?


	31. you clung to self restraint, you followed your plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn's birthday at Coney Island

_If this train doesn’t get there within the next five minutes, I’m going back home_ , Ali thought, willing herself to focus on the audiobook playing through her headphones. When she’d agreed to Coney Island, she hadn’t quite been able to fully explain her decision to herself, let alone Kyle who asked if she was trying to cause drama. The excess of an hour-long train ride was doing very little to make her happy with her choice.

     As the elevated track made its way down towards the coast, Ali stared out the windows along the tops of the buildings, musing over exactly what was putting her on the F train that day. In a superficial way, she knew it was for someone’s birthday, but it was obviously more than that. Kyle had persisted, asking her why on earth she was even entertaining the idea.

     “AK, she has a _girlfriend_ ,” he stressed.

     Ali rolled her eyes, securing the phone in the crook of her shoulder as she cooked dinner. “Kyle, it’s not about that. I’m not trying to like, get with her again. It’s just to hang out. Plus, Kelley will be there.”

     “If you wanted to still know Kelley, that’s what social media is for: pretending to stay friends with people while stalking others all from the comfort of your living room in your pajamas.” Kyle sighed and clicked his tongue. “You’ve still got it for her, don’t you?”

     “That’s Mom on the call waiting. Talk to you later,” Ali said, hanging up the phone amidst his protests.

 _I don’t have a thing for her anymore_ , she stressed to herself as the train jerked to a stop, announcing that the next station was for Stillwell Avenue and Coney Island. She took her time removing her headphones and stowing them away into her bag, chewing on the corner of her lip as she thought. It’d been four years; more than adequate time to get over unresolved feelings for someone, right?

     Still, the excuse of seeing Kelley was flimsy, even to herself. If she wanted to reconnect, Kyle was right, and it wouldn’t have taken running into Ashlyn again to make it happen. The day was definitely about seeing Ashlyn again, but what was frustrating Ali to no end was that she couldn’t even pinpoint the reason within herself. What was there to be gained?

     Ali walked down the ramp from the station, breathing in the lovely ocean air while she made her way over to the boardwalk. It was a great day for being outside: it was an enjoyable sixty-five degrees with enough fluffy clouds to block out too much sun and as it was a school day, the area wasn’t overrun with children. In fact, as she walked towards Luna Park, the hulking outlines of rollercoasters and the Ferris wheel in the distance looked idyllic.

     However, just as she’d resolved herself to look forward to the day, she spotted at least three couples walking around hand in hand or in other forms of PDA. Was this too much of a date? _Chill out, other people will be here_ , she thought, determinately continuing to make her way towards the pre-chosen meeting place. Surely with the presence of her other friends, Ali would blend into the group and she may even end up having a good time. In fact, she even allowed her mind to drift to a far-off fantasy: the idea that they could end up being friends themselves.

     At least, that was until she turned a corner and spotted Ashlyn standing not thirty feet away, waiting at a lemonade stand and texting on her phone. Ali stopped dead in her tracks, noted the absence of any other member of the party around her and made a hasty decision to reverse and hide out from a safe distance until someone else showed up. Sure, she may have a hope that they could be friends but there was no sense in trying to force it on their second time hanging out.

     Alas, her smooth move didn’t go unnoticed. Right as she ducked back behind a ticket booth, keeping her eyes trained on Ashlyn, she looked up and saw her. Ali was positive that she did, as her attention all at once moved from her phone to Ali’s direction. She started to wave, but when she saw Ali stumble as she tried to make it look as though she hadn’t been walking away, her hand fell to her side and she gave her a quizzical look.

     “Ali?” she called out hesitantly, walking in her direction. “Uh, hey?”

     “Hi,” Ali said, praying that the blush on her cheeks wasn’t so obvious. “What’s up?”

     “Were you … Uh,” Ashlyn grinned and quirked her cheek, “were you trying to duck out when you saw me?”

     “No,” Ali replied hastily, waving behind her at nothing. “I thought I forgot uh, my bag on the train and I was going to go back but then, ha, duh! It was on my shoulder. It’s fine, it’s good. Are you here alone?”

     Ashlyn furrowed her brow and looked back at the man at the lemonade stand who was holding out a plastic cup to her. As she walked a few steps back to grab it, she reached for her phone again. “Uh, yeah. Turns out I have a few flakey friends.” She waved her phone at Ali. “Pretty much everyone had something to do at the last minute and I’m just waiting on Kelley.”

     “Oh,” Ali said, sinking feeling in her gut. “That sucks, I’m sorry.”

     Ashlyn shrugged one shoulder. “Nah, this is actually pretty typical. I think most people I know aren’t good with plans until day of – this happens rather often. I do it myself.”

     “I hate that,” Ali said, clenching her hands into fists at her side to avoid picking at her cuticles from nervousness. “I’m very much ‘if we make a plan, let’s stick to it’.”

     “Oh, I remember,” Ashlyn said with a slight eye roll, and when Ali frowned, she coughed to clear her throat. “Sorry, I just meant – Not that you …”

     “It’s cool,” Ali said awkwardly, rocking back on her heels. She looked around the mostly deserted area of boardwalk they were in. “So, Kelley?”

     “Is in an office somewhere nearby. She’s working on the major renovation project here so she’s close. I think down that street,” Ashlyn pointed to her left, and then looked to her right, “or maybe that one. I don’t know. Somewhere. She texted me about thirty minutes ago saying she’d be over in fifteen, but I’m sure it’ll be any minute now.”

     Ali nodded, unsure of what to say. There was no way she was willing to spend an afternoon alone with Ashlyn, and that was exactly what it was looking like. As much as she wanted some sort of resolution, this was too much to ask. She checked her watch, as though the answer to what to do would appear like some sort of Magic 8 ball, but all she saw was the minute hand fifteen past the hour.

     “Do you have somewhere else to be?” Ashlyn asked, motioning towards Ali’s watch.

     “I uh … No,” Ali replied, tugging on the end of her jacket sleeve. “Just … you know.”

     “I know what?”

     “Kind of weird,” Ali said timidly, giving her a forced smile. “The two of us standing here alone.”

     Ashlyn nodded while looking off in the distance. “Yeah, it’s strange.” She rubbed the back of her neck, and Ali watched the slicked strands of brown hair flick against her fingers. Instinctively, she longed to reach out and run her own hands there and when the thought went through her head, she jammed her hands in her back pockets.

     “I think,” Ali started, chewing on her lip, “I think it might be best if I take off.”

     Ashlyn looked over at her, a look on her face that Ali couldn’t place. “Oh. Uh. Okay, if you have to go.”

     “It’s just …” She looked around them, as though expecting to find a cue card with the right words to say. “I just don’t know if I should be here.”

     To her credit, Ashlyn’s features softened as she gave her a barely perceptible nod. “Yeah, it’s … I get it.”

     However, right as Ali began to walk backwards away from her, ignoring the pang in her chest that wished her feet would stop moving, she ran into someone.

     “Ow! Yeesh, watch where you’re going lady.”

     Ali whipped around, an apology on her tongue and broke into a grin when Kelley hugged her. “You ran into me!”

     “Well, you weren’t watching where you were going,” Kelley said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her along as she walked to Ashlyn. “So, you said we had some people bail out. I didn’t realize you meant everyone.”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn said, ducking her eyes away from Ali and smiling at Kelley. “It looks like it’s just us.”

     “The three musketeers, then!” Kelley responded, taking off running towards the ticket booth. “For my first act!” She whipped out her wallet as she approached the window, looking back and waggling her eyebrows at the two of them. “Three all day wristbands please, milady,” she announced in a grand voice.

     “One forty-seven even,” the old woman croaked in return, clearly unamused by Kelley’s antics.

     “Oh, Kelley –“ Ali started, walking towards her. It felt awkward to stay when she had clearly been on her way.

     However, Ashlyn reached forward to lightly grab her arm, shaking her head. “Let her have her fun,” she said, giving her a smile. “It’ll be okay.” Ali looked down to where Ashlyn was touching her right as she let go, clearing her throat.

     “Geez,” Kelley replied, walking back and pulling apart the wristbands to hand one to each of them. “You ain’t cheap Harris.”

     “Good thing you’re a big shot,” Ashlyn replied, pushing up the sleeve of her jacket to wrap one around her wrist, revealing tattoos going all the way down to her hand. Ali looked at the edge in wonder, feeling the same echo as she did once about five years prior, wishing to see where each of the lines ended.

     “Miss Ali,” Kelley said, wrapping the pink band around Ali’s wrist after fastening her own. Once she stuffed the crumpled bits of sticker paper into her pocket, she rubbed her hands together and turned to them. “Alright guys, what’s first? Do we stuff our faces with sugar and popcorn and _then_ ride the rides or do we not tempt the throw up gods and do it in reverse?”

     “Reverse was always my favorite,” Ashlyn said, nudging Kelley as she started walking.

     “Not if I recall correctly,” Ali quipped before she could stop herself. The two of them turned around just as she clapped a hand over her mouth, blushing horribly. “I – that’s not what I meant, oh fuck.”

     Ashlyn just grinned at her and winked. “Come on Miss Proper. Let’s go on the Ferris wheel.”

     It started feeling just like it used to; the three of them went on a quick circuit of the rides in Luna Park, from the big wheel down to the high swings and then one of the boat rides that went back and forth until it spun all the way upside down. Ali found herself relaxing quite quickly, helped almost assuredly by Kelley’s infectiously fun nature. Ashlyn relaxed around her as well, and soon Ali was grateful she’d come after all.

     Of course, that was until Kelley’s boss called.

     “Shit guys,” Kelley grumbled, walking back towards Ali and Ashlyn as they sat and chipped away at snow cones. “That was my project manager.”

     “I ‘hot ‘oo were ‘e pro-yect mana-yer,” Ashlyn said, wrapping her tongue around the giant glob of ice shavings and syrup she’d just shoveled into her mouth.

     “Yeah but even I answer to someone,” Kelley replied, frowning, “and she beckons me back to the office. I’m gonna have to head out.”

     “Aw no,” Ali said in disappointment, reaching to tug on Kelley’s sleeve. “Come on, you said we could go on the Cyclone next. How are you going to miss the rickety 100-year-old roller coaster?”

     “Eighty-nine,” Kelley replied, but she shrugged. “Sorry Kriegs. I’ll have to take a rain check.” She pulled Ali in for another hug and then Ashlyn. “Call me dude. We’re going to Barcade this weekend, don’t forget.”

     “Mortal Kombat showdown, of course,” Ashlyn replied. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

     “Alright, see you guys,” Kelley said, heading away from the park and leaving Ashlyn and Ali standing alone together.

     "So,” Ali said, turning to Ashlyn as she busied herself swirling her spoon into the bottom of her cup, “what do you wanna do now?”

* * *

      “What do you wanna do now?” Ali asked, then made a point of putting the plastic utensil against her tongue and dragging it out slower than necessary.

     At least, that’s what Ashlyn thought as her eyes were trained to her lips and she felt unable to look away until she forced herself to remember Alex wrapping her arms around her that morning before she left for class.

     “Uh, well,” Ashlyn started, tossing her half-empty cup into a nearby trashcan. She thought for a moment and checked her watch. It was barely three in the afternoon; plenty of use was left in the wristbands that Kelley had bought and it seemed silly to waste them. “We can go ride the Cyclone?”

     Ali grinned at her and nodded. “That sounds good to me.”

     The walk to the ride felt like the longest part of the day thus far, probably due to the fact that neither of them spoke until they tried to enter the line, doing an uncomfortable dance of ‘you go first, no you’. Finally, Ali motioned her forward. “After you, birthday girl.”

     “Thanks,” Ashlyn said, fidgeting with the ends of her jacket sleeves.

     They walked straight up to the ride, Ashlyn thankful that her birthday had fallen on a school day. The last time she’d come with Alex, they’d waited in line for a good thirty minutes before being squished on amidst a bunch of middle school kids who hadn’t yet learned the benefits of a good deodorant. Ashlyn crawled into the car first, and she had forgotten just how tiny the seats were.

     Ali crammed in next to her, trying her best to seem natural while keeping her body as far away from Ashlyn’s as possible. “Ooh, first car,” she said, her eyes darting around as she spoke.

     “Hope you don’t get scared,” Ashlyn teased, and when she wiggled to maneuver her legs into a more comfortable position, they leaned heavily into Ali’s which caused her to jerk back, hitting her elbow on the side. “Ouch.”

     “Sorry!” Ali said, doing her best to scoot but when she did, her hand landed on Ashlyn’s upper thigh and both of them jumped. “Oh, shit, sorry!”

     They looked at each other at the same time and smiled nervously, folding their hands into their laps. “This is awkward,” Ashlyn said, biting her lip and looking over at Ali.

     “It is,” Ali agreed with a nod. “I mean, yeah it’s weird but we’re here, aren’t we? Might as well have fun and stop being so … so …”

     “Jumpy?” Ashlyn suggested and Ali smiled.

     “Agreed. No more jumpiness.”

     “It’s only weird because _we’re_ acting weird, right? So, if we decide to stop being weird then it’s gonna be fine.”

     “Exactly,” Ali said, looking back as an attendant came by to double check that their lap bar was tightly against their legs.

     “Alright guys, have a safe ride,” came the voice from the loudspeaker right before the car began a shaky trip down the track towards the first incline.

     “I have a confession,” Ali semi-shouted against the clicking of the cars beneath them.

     “What’s that?” Ashlyn said back, tapping her hands against the top of the car.

     “I’m scared of roller coasters.” When Ashlyn gave her a look, she nodded. “This part. I hate the clinking sound when the cart is going up. It makes me anxious for the rest of it.”

     “You’re gonna be fine,” Ashlyn shouted, reaching over and grabbing her hand to pull it up. “Just raise your arms and remind yourself that even if it’s a little scary at first, you always end up enjoying it.”

     Ashlyn wasn’t sure how she did it, but she kept her face neutral when she first purposefully touched Ali’s hand, acting before thinking. Ali didn’t flinch this time; instead, she kept her hands up, giving her an exhilarated but nervous smile as she turned her head forward again to watch as they grew closer and closer to the sky. Never one to be afraid of rollercoasters, Ashlyn was confused at the feeling in the pit of her stomach as they crested at the top, hesitating for the briefest of moments before they plummeted down.

     The creaking of the wooden support beams, the grinding of the metal rails against the car and the screams of all of the passengers blended together as the world sped by. Ashlyn screamed with the rest of them, raising her hands high above her head as the ride slung them this way and that, making her feel sure that at any second they would be careening through the air and into the Atlantic or onto the boardwalk.

     Her body was thrown around and into Ali’s over and over, so many times that eventually they didn’t mind it for the moments they were closer together than they had been since things were good back in college. Every time she chanced a glance to the side, Ali’s mouth was wide with excitement, her hands just as high as her own. It seemed she was having the time of her life.

     When the ride came to a jerking stop, slinging them first forward and then slamming them back against the seats, Ashlyn looked over at Ali who was regarding her with wide, exuberant eyes.

     “Can we do that again?”

     A few rides later, after Ashlyn had insisted that they take a break for some normalcy to her equilibrium lest she throw up everything she’d eaten in the last week, the two of them walked away from the Cyclone and towards the boardwalk and the strip of shops and restaurants. In the time they’d spent hurtling through the air, it seemed some of the anxiety had stripped away.

     “So, I stayed in D.C. for most of the time but eventually I felt like I wasn’t progressing much and wanted a change of pace. I applied to a bunch of different places, even some in Los Angeles but then I got an email from a recruiter here and that was that. I don’t think I even hesitated for a moment before I said yes,” Ali said, eyeing the hanging bags of cotton candy as they walked by a food stand.

     “That’s awesome,” Ashlyn replied, still feeling too queasy to eat anything. “I hung around Mac for a long time. We came straight to New York at first and it was awful. I had like, zero success. God, you should’ve seen my first place. It was so nasty.”

     “I bet,” Ali said, scrunching her nose. “But look at you now. You have a pretty sweet apartment.”

     “A lot of it is 'Lex,” Ashlyn admitted as they walked. “Her parents are loaded and they send money to her for rent and stuff. Her dad is some big-time lawyer in California and her mom is a doctor. She’s their pride and joy.”

     “So, uh, what does she do?” Ali asked, trying her hardest to remain conversational.

     “She’s a junior at NYU, majoring in acting.” Before Ali could say anything, Ashlyn raised a hand. “I know, I know. But she’s actually really good at it. She’s been cast in the lead role for the next big play they’re doing and she’s been auditioning for some bigger productions outside of school. She’s had small parts but she’s going for headlining things.”

     “That’s cool,” Ali said, craning her head as they began walking through the midway area with all of the sideshow games. “She seems really nice. Where did you two meet?”

     Ashlyn faltered, if only for a moment. “We met at a garden party last year. Actually,” she said, chewing on the inside of her lip, “it was a year ago yesterday. 'Lex was a guest of someone who was a member of this club and she liked my stuff. We started talking and that was that.”

     Ashlyn had almost forgotten the letters she’d written to Ali, had nearly forgotten the last one that had been penned that same night. It seemed strange to think that nearly a year to the day that she’d unknowingly put the memory of Ali away, they were alone together on her birthday.

     “Oh,” Ali replied, nodding politely. “Well, that was lucky that she was a guest then. You two seem really good together.”

     “Mhm,” Ashlyn nodded back, her attention caught by a man throwing a baseball at a stack of three milk bottles. “She’s great.” They walked along for a few more moments, the silence between them stretching before Ashlyn could work up the nerve. “So, what about you? Is there anyone special?”

     But before Ali could answer, a rather short man with a newsboy hat walked directly in their path, thrusting a green flagged dart at Ashlyn. “Heya gorgeous, how’s it going today? Got a second? I’ve got a free trial over here at a game.”

     “No, thanks. We’re good,” Ashlyn said, starting to walk away before he took a step back to stay in front of her.

     “No, no, can’t have that, can’t have that. How’s about this? How’s about I give you two free trials, hey? No, make that three. I’ll give you three trials, gorgeous, three darts for free and you get whatever you win, no money needed for those trials, come on, you can’t say no to that, over here.”

     Then he was steering Ashlyn over, guiding her gently by her back as they entered a smaller, squared off area. They stopped at a booth that had a wall covered with small, inflated multi-colored balloons taped to a wall at close intervals. Adorning the edges and ceiling were stuffed animals in various sizes, all of them vividly colored. The booth worker walked through the small half door on the end and around to stand in front of them, handing Ashlyn two additional darts.

     “Alright gorg, have your shot. You’ve got three free chances at a prize here and I won’t say no. Won’t trick you like some of these other guys around here. Whatever you win with these first three shots, it’s yours. Have at it, take her away. Let’s go!”

     Ali smiled at Ashlyn as she considered; there was no way a carney was going to give something away for free. As she looked at the darts dubiously, Ali nudged her with her elbow.

     “Come on, birthday girl. Take your best shot.”

     “Birthday!?” the carney shouted, waving over two other guys from their nearby booths. “Heya guys, we’ve got a birthday girl here. Let’s give her a rousing chorus as she plays. Happy birthday to you …”

     As they began to sing, Ashlyn took her aim and threw the first. A miss. They yelled for her to shake it off and try again between lyrics and she did, smiling and aiming at a larger blue balloon. Another miss.

     She frowned back as the lead carney egged her on. “Come on, come on, you can do it. One more try.”

     Ashlyn was about to give up and walk away when she looked back at Ali, watching as she sang along to the birthday song. Her eyes were lit up, and she wore the biggest smile; Ashlyn felt her heart take off as time seemed to slow. _God, you’re still so beautiful_ , she thought to herself.

     “Take your best shot,” Ali said, tongue poking through her teeth as she grinned.

     Ashlyn lined up the last dart and threw it, watching it fly through the air with abandon. 

* * *

      “You better keep that pig until you die,” Ashlyn said, reaching over to playfully punch the stuffed animal under Ali’s arm.

     “My most prized possession,” Ali replied, pulling it out of reach. “Possibly the most expensive stuffed pig in the world.”

     “At least two hundred bucks,” Ashlyn grumbled, but then she smiled. “I mean, you’ve got to give him props though. He was probably the best carney I’ve ever encountered in my life and being from Florida, that’s saying a lot. I think that might actually be a race down there.”

     Ali laughed loudly, reaching to fish out the last wad of pink cotton candy before stuffing it into her mouth. “He was really good. Like, he kept handing you darts like it was nothing. It was like a bartender who is totally great about pouring you top shelf liquor until he presents the bill.”

     “And then it’s just a two-hundred-dollar pig,” Ashlyn agreed, taking a drink of her soda.

     “You _can_ keep it, you know,” Ali said, walking along and peering into one of the souvenir shops as they went by. “I was just teasing you when I said I wanted it.”

     Ashlyn shook her head. “Nah, you already named it. It’s yours.”

     “Henrietta,” Ali said proudly, waving the pig in the air. “The prized Coney Island pig.”

     Right at that moment, two kids on hover boards rolled by too closely and when Ashlyn jumped to avoid them, the flimsy plastic lid came off and Coke ran all down the front of her white t-shirt.

     “Ahhhh!” she shouted in annoyance, “stupid fucking kids!”

     “Aw hell,” Ali said, handing her the two napkins she had and directing her towards a stand to grab some more. “You sound like a grumpy old man,” she grinned as she pulled out some more from the dispenser.

     “I hate those hover things,” Ashlyn grumbled, dabbing at the stain with a wad of napkins. “The only good thing about them are all of the YouTube videos where people fall off of them. Damn it,” she said, pulling her shirt away from her body. “I liked this shirt too.”

     “Come on,” Ali replied, pulling on her arm and directing her towards the shop they’d just passed. “Let’s find you a new one.”

     They walked down the aisles, looking at the different wares and comparing designs until Ashlyn had decided on a black one that toted glow-in-the-dark letters. Ali waited patiently by the dressing room until she emerged, pulling the tag off with a forceful tug.

     “What do you think?” she asked, pulling it flat.

     “’Warriors of Coney Island’,” Ali read, nodding. “Pretty cool. Gimme that.” She took the tag from her hand and walked to the cashier, handing it over and pulling her wallet out of her purse before Ashlyn started to protest.

     “No way,” Ashlyn said, nudging her arm away. “I spilled the soda.”

     “It’s your birthday,” Ali insisted. “Besides, I told you once that I owed you a birthday present and never got the chance to get around to it. It’s overdue.” Her smile was nervous until Ashlyn returned one, and then she beamed properly while handing the cashier her debit card. “Happy birthday, gorg,” she said playfully.

     As they walked out of the store, Ali handed Ashlyn her zip up jacket. “Here you go,” she said, but Ashlyn slung it over her shoulder.

     “It’s a nice day out,” she said, shaking her head. “Might as well enjoy the sun now in case we get another Snowpocalypse.”

     “I like your new ink,” Ali said, looking Ashlyn’s arms up and down, checking out the progress of the full sleeve on her left arm and then moving around to look at the right. It looked like it was still in progress, but was coming along nicely.

     “Hmm,” Ali mused as she started walking again.

     “What’s that?” Ashlyn asked, giving her a sideways look.

     “Nothing,” Ali responded shortly.

     “Something caught in your throat?” Ashlyn smirked. “Spit it out.”

     “Didn’t realize you had it covered up,” Ali said, and on Ashlyn’s quizzical look, Ali tapped the spot on her own right arm. “I mean, I suppose it’s not really a surprise but still.”

     “Oh,” Ashlyn said, running her hand over the tattooed face that now covered the words she’d once gotten inked on her arm after watching Ali get a matching one on her shoulder. “Erm. Yeah, I guess.”

     “Yeah,” Ali repeated, walking in silence for a few moments.

 _It’s stupid_ , she told herself, _don’t get mad._ But it felt like being erased. _More_ erasure even considering everything else from the other night at the dinner party. She remembered Alex telling the table about how Ashlyn hadn’t had “any serious girlfriends” before her. The moment still felt like a slap on the face, even as she remembered it days later.

     “I guess I’m not surprised,” Ali ventured, lifting her chin up. “I can’t imagine I’d leave a visible matching tattoo with another girl on my arm. Particularly when I pretend that other girl never happened at all.”

     When she saw Ashlyn wince, Ali started to feel a little guilty. Wasn’t the idea to be friends? As painful as it was, as annoying as it was, couldn’t there be a better way to confront Ashlyn about the omission rather than to berate her for it? It was with this thought in mind that Ali stopped, taking a breath before turning to face Ashlyn who seemed content to just play with the zipper on her jacket.

     “Look,” Ali started, fidgeting with the green bow on top of Henrietta’s head, “it just sucked, is all. I mean, I know it’s weird for both of us, seeing each other and then you know, me meeting Alex. I can’t say that I would’ve reacted any differently. So, I’m sorry.”

     “No, I’m sorry,” Ashlyn said to the ground. “I should’ve been honest. I should’ve just told ‘Lex about you from the start. It was just … I don’t know. Too painful, I guess.”

     The guilt set in heavier. “It’s okay,” Ali repeated, rubbing her forearm quickly before pulling away. “Really, Ash. I get it. It’s alright.”

     “You sure?” Ashlyn asked hopefully, biting at the edge of her lip.

     “I’m sure,” Ali said with a nod, smiling at her as they began walking again, heading in the direction of the exit gate and the train station. “Anyways,” she started, “it’s a pretty sick cover up. I really like it. What is it?”

     “Oh, just something I saw and liked,” Ashlyn said offhandedly, rubbing her hand over the woman’s face. “Did you get any more ink?”

     The conversation on tattoos continued as they made their way towards the train station, only stopping once at an ice cream truck so Ali could get a Powerpuff Girls popsicle, complete with gumball eyes.

     “That looks disgusting,” Ashlyn said, scrunching her nose up as they climbed the stairs to the platform. “It’s all disfigured.”

     “Mmmm, disfigured superhero,” Ali murmured, taking a bite off of the top. “Tastes lemony.”

     “Tastes like red lake 40 or some other preservative,” Ashlyn replied, rolling her eyes.

     “Oh, come on,” Ali said, waving it at her. “It’s not like you’re a super health freak.”

     “I’ll have you _know_ ,” Ashlyn challenged, giving her a haughty look, “that I have learned how to cook quite well, thank you.”

     Ali’s eyes opened wide. “Impressive,” she said. “This coming from the woman who couldn’t cook macaroni and cheese when I knew her.”

     “I can make all sorts of chicken dishes, and I use quinoa a lot, and _vegetables_.”

     “Now you’re lying,” Ali contested. She took another bite and Ashlyn made a face mimicking throwing up. “You are such a _child_ ,” she said, waving it at her. “Come on, try it.”

     “No!” Ashlyn said, putting her hands up and taking a step back as Ali got closer. As they were close to the back wall, she pressed her hands against Ali’s shoulders to keep her at bay. “No way!”

     “Come on,” Ali coaxed. “Just a little lick.”

     “That’s what they _all_ say,” Ashlyn said, waggling her eyebrows. With her attention deviated, Ali lunged, waving the popsicle closer to her face. “Ah! No!”

     “Just open your mouth and it’ll all be over,” Ali laughed and Ashlyn wrapped her arms around her wrists to keep her back, losing as she had very little room to wrestle.

     “You’re not supposed to play close to train tracks, ma’am,” Ashlyn laughed, pushing Ali’s arms to the side and away from her face. When she did, Ali lost her balance and stumbled forward, falling more onto Ashlyn’s chest.

     It happened before Ali knew how to process it. Ali fell into Ashlyn, her free hand gripping back at Ashlyn’s arm and the popsicle falling to the ground as her other hand waved in the air in Ashlyn’s hold. They leaned back against the wall and Ali’s face was heading straight for Ashlyn’s, an unreadable expression in front of her.

     Though Ashlyn let go in an instant, her first feeling was very clear. When Ali had come in her direction, Ashlyn had leaned forward, her mouth aiming directly for Ali’s. In fact, though Ali desperately wished it weren’t true, she knew she’d felt their lips brush before Ashlyn’s body had frozen and gently pushed Ali backwards to right her.

     “I, uh,” Ashlyn said, stepping away to the side and shoving her hands in her pockets. “Sorry, I – fuck. Yeah, sorry.”

     “No, I’m sorry,” Ali said, looking on the ground at her popsicle mess. “I, um, shouldn’t have been playing around so much. It was my bad.”

     “No, no, you’re okay. It was me. I wanted to – I was just –“

     The sound of the oncoming train interrupted her and Ali turned around to check its progress, missing whatever Ashlyn said as she turned to leave, heading back down the stairs in a hurry. “Ashlyn!” she called, but the other woman never turned back.

* * *

**Ali:** I’m sorry

     Ashlyn watched the cursor on her phone blink as she sat on a park bench twenty minutes later, ensuring that there was no possible way they could end up on the same train. Suddenly, she’d wished that she hadn’t gotten Ali’s number at the dinner party so they could coordinate that day. All it meant was that now she couldn’t crawl into a hole and hide.

 _Why, why, why_ , she thought to herself. They’d been having a pleasant afternoon. It’d been just fine. They’d overcome the awkwardness and they were actually having fun together again. They’d even talked about Alex and were surely going to move on to talk about Ali’s dating life, just like normal people. Why did she have to make it complicated by …?

 _I didn’t mean to_ , she insisted. It wasn’t that she had a plan to try to kiss her. In fact, she had been spending the afternoon making sure that she didn’t think about kissing her. From the past, that is. She wasn’t allowing herself to even think of kissing her presently, nor about what her body may look like now, nor about what things she may be able to do with it.

     And then they were playing around too much and had gotten to close. She’d just looked so pretty, so much like she had back when Ashlyn could kiss her whenever she wanted; when she _would_ kiss her whenever she wanted. It was just … an impulse that had apparently not died given a four-year lack of nutrition.

 _But it wasn’t four years of lack, was it?_ She knew better than to try to lie to herself. There was a shoebox filled with letters in the top of her closet that attested to the fact that Ashlyn hadn’t forgotten Ali until she’d even met Alex. She didn’t know how to tell her, how to tell either of them, that it had still taken a few months until she stopped thinking of Alex as just a temporary fix.

     But it was over. Four years had passed and she was with Alex, and just because Ali was living in the same city and some devious deity had seen fit to throw them back together, it didn’t mean that anything was going to change. In fact, it couldn’t. There had been reasons why they didn’t work before, and there was no sense in trying to force it now.

 **Ashlyn:** Nah, it was my fault. Sorry. We still cool?

     Ashlyn waited, filled with nerves and dread until she saw Ali’s next message pop up.

 **Ali:** yeah

     Pressing the lock button on her phone, Ashlyn stood up, hoping that by this time Ali was nearly halfway back to Brooklyn. She took her wallet out as she approached the subway turnstiles, only pulling her phone out as she trudged up the steps for the second time that afternoon.

 **Ali** : can we meet for dinner next week?

     It took twenty minutes, and a lot of internal debate before Ashlyn replied, sending back a few suggestions of restaurants for them to try on the coming Tuesday. As the train made its way back towards the city, Ashlyn tried over and over to reassure herself that next time, she’d be far more in control, no matter how unsure she felt.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, gorg. Couldn't pass up the opportunity lol


	32. i'll chase you for the words you owe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali & Ashlyn have dinner and hash out some things.

     Ashlyn’s phone vibrated against the table for the second time that evening; it was with an absent hand that she reached to silence it, figuring it to be, and confirming after a moment that it was in fact, Alex calling her. She looked back across the table to Ali who was bringing her second cup of coffee to her mouth.

     “Sorry,” she said. “You were saying?”

     Ali smiled down at her cup as she put it back, shifting her focus to her fingernails as she timidly picked at them. “I think it’s time we talked about what happened last week, if that’s okay.”

     “I thought that’s what we _have_ been talking about,” Ashlyn said, twisting her fork around the leftover seasoned potatoes on her plate.

     “Well, yes,” Ali agreed, “but I think we also both know that we’re ignoring the biggest thing.”

     “And what’s that?” Ashlyn asked, raising her gaze to meet Ali’s eyes.

     Ali’s voice got lost in her throat for a moment; she’d nearly forgotten the way it felt to be under Ashlyn’s stare. Her eyes were darker than they had been on her birthday, and Ali wondered how much of it was the lighting in the restaurant and how much was the shift in their tone. It reminded her of the way she’d looked that last night in her dorm, the way she’d commanded Ali’s body beneath her. Was she controlling the conversation in the same way?

     “You kissed me,” Ali said, urging herself to stay even. “When we were playing on the platform, you kissed me.”

     Ashlyn broke first; she looked down and tapped the edge of her fork against her plate, the twangs of the porcelain sounding like the ellipsis in her head. With a slight smile, she reached for the small leather book at the end of the table and began to flip through it. When she looked up and saw Ali’s questioning look, she grinned.

     “I think I _will_ have a cocktail after all.” 

* * *

      Ashlyn twisted around to the other side of the piece she was working on, sliding her small chair around on the painted concrete floor. She ran her hands along the smooth, metal surface for any snags or uneven edges before picking up a buffing sheet to run over it. Behind her, on her work bench, she heard the clattering of Kelley’s keyboard.

     “Okay, sorry. I had to send that last email. That idiot Bryan couldn’t read the specs and the design he submitted was total bullshit. Like, sure dude. Go ahead and use that angling and degree. Let’s see if we don’t end up killing everyone that rides this ride. Where did you go to school, you moron?” she scoffed.

     “Drama in the rollercoaster world,” Ashlyn said absently, turning her head to look at the surface in direct light. “You get that asshole, Kel.”

     “Oh, I will. Don’t worry,” she said, kicking back in her chair and stretching. “You’d think it was all fun and games designing theme parks, but it’s actually a lot harder than it sounds making sure you people don’t die when you go.”

     “Please don’t tell me that,” Ashlyn frowned at the camera. “I really like rollercoasters. Don’t ruin it.”

     “Anyway,” Kelley said, taking a bite of her Clif bar. “You were talking about the really expensive pig you got her.”

     “It wasn’t on purpose,” Ashlyn retorted, setting down the buffing sheet and picking up one of the small ball stylus tools laying in her leather pouch. “The guy was just steady handing me darts and I kept throwing them. I’d win a smaller one and he just went on and on until we left with this giant pink pig.”

     “That’s cute,” Kelley smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Very date like.”

     “Fuck off,” Ashlyn replied, rolling her eyes. “It wasn’t a date. We just hung out and had fun. I have no use for a stuffed animal.”

     “But you know, you have a girlfriend that might’ve liked it.”

     “No way,” Ashlyn said, shaking her head. “It wouldn’t go with ‘Lex’s West Elm theme that permeates the entire apartment. Can you imagine me bringing that into the loft and putting it in her papasan chair? I don’t think so.”

     “Fair point,” Kelley agreed. “So, then what happened?”

     Ashlyn thought while she whittled away at the soft sheet of metal in front of her. “Oh, nothing really. We did some walking on the boardwalk, I got a new shirt at one of the shops there. Walked to the train. I kissed her,” Ashlyn cut her eyes at the screen for a second as Kelley began to splutter and then back. “You know, the usual.”

     “Uhhh, hold up.” Kelley straightened up in her chair and pulled her computer screen closer. “You _kissed_ her?”

     “It was an accident,” Ashlyn said, putting down the stylus and rolling over to her computer.

     “No, no. Stepping on her foot is an accident. Kissing her is first base.”

     Ashlyn scoffed and leaned forward on her desk, reaching up to brush her hair back. “It just sort of happened. It was spur of the moment.”

     “I’m gonna need some details,” Kelley said, folding her arms across her chest.

     Ashlyn thought for a moment, nearly wishing she hadn’t said anything. She’d fought for the last roughly 18 hours to forget about it, wanting nothing more than to not remember the way it felt to have their lips brush together for just a scant moment. She still wasn’t sure about how it happened, or why she’d felt such a natural pull. So much time had passed and she’d done so much work to put that entire relationship in an unbreakable box.

     “We were playing around with a popsicle and she was trying to push it in my mouth.” Kelley made a sound in the back of her throat and Ashlyn flipped off the camera. “I grabbed her hands and she fell towards me and, I don’t know. When she started coming close it was like my body was reacting on its own. You know, like muscle memory. It was like something I would’ve done back then. Not something I wanted to do or thought about doing.”

     “I guess that makes sense,” Kelley tried to reason. “We both know you’ve been wrestling with her showing back up in your life these last few weeks so maybe it was just as a result of overthinking. Maybe?”

     “Maybe,” Ashlyn agreed, looking off camera and biting her thumbnail. “We’re going to have dinner next week.”

     “Oh good,” Kelley replied.

     “Look, it’s going to encourage us to be friends,” Ashlyn said. “I mean, there’s no reason why we can’t be grown-ups about all of this and become friends. Right?”

     “Right. Just be sure to eat something with loads of garlic.”

     Later that afternoon, Ashlyn had to admit to some frustration as she idly spun around her studio, watching the traffic outside through her large windows. She was lucky to have a nice, private space to work, one of her splurges to herself once she saw that more of her monthly income was disposable that she’d ever been used to. It was impossible to get a whole lot of work done in the loft as Alex was continually looking at her with a scrunched-up nose, asking if she was still being careful to not scuff the floors.

     She’d rented a small space close to the center of Williamsburg, a first-floor nook between a book shop and a record store, catty-corner from a small grocery and cigarette shop on the other side. Nearly every week day she could be found there, unless she was working on an installation somewhere. She’d fallen in love with all of the natural light, lent by the large front windows and low opposite buildings. It was a great space that felt uniquely hers, even though Alex stopped by on occasion.

     It was also where she went when she needed a space to think. She was working on the new piece nearly two months early; it wasn’t a true secret that the only reason she was skulking around her studio was to hide from the aftermath of the Coney Island … fiasco.

 _Had it been a fiasco?_ They’d had a wonderful, fun time and had the ability to hang out and talk. Truly, Ashlyn hadn’t been sure that the two of them would’ve been able to spend time together, particularly once Kelley had taken off for the afternoon. When it had fallen back towards their natural state, she felt some relief. Well, that was of course until the whole kissing thing happened.

     She wanted to know without doubt that what she’d said to Kelley was true; that it was a mechanical action and nothing more. She wanted to know that she wasn’t steadily undoing all of the progress she’d made over the last year, and that she wasn’t succumbing to feelings she’d been repressing at the slightest provocation. She wanted to know that everything that she’d come to know wasn’t about to change.

     Ashlyn loved Alex. She remembered meeting her that night at the party in SoHo, the way she’d stood off to the side in a sapphire blue pantsuit, her hair swept to the side and pinned back above her ear. She’d been a guest of one of the prominent art scene lesbians; Ashlyn was taken aback when Alex’s hand had lingered when they’d been introduced, more so when she brazenly asked for her phone number before leaving for the night.

     They slept together before they had a first date, just a few days after the party. Ashlyn was sure it would end there, was sure that Alex wouldn’t be interested in the proverbial fifteen-foot pole Ashlyn used to keep everything away from her but she persisted. She’d stayed in Ashlyn’s apartment that night and had cooked breakfast in the morning before she left for an afternoon lecture.

     It didn’t take long for Ashlyn to think to herself that Alex rather deserved more consideration that she was giving: Alex’s heart was big and was Ashlyn’s for the taking. Ashlyn need only reach out, and she did. They’d moved in together over winter break, much to Kelley’s eyebrow raises over FaceTime, but it had only been smooth sailing. They rarely argued, supported each other’s careers and goals, and it didn’t hurt at all that the two of them had spectacular, regular sex.

     Alex had been so pleased when she met Ali, so much so that it hurt Ashlyn’s chest to think about all of the ways she’d lied to Alex about her. It was a lie to not tell her about their relationship in the first place, it was a lie to not tell her just how long Ashlyn had been hung up on her, and it was a lie to not tell her about the kiss. They were getting very close to celebrating their official one year anniversary and Ashlyn had prided herself on honesty up until this point.

     Ashlyn kicked back from the table, sailing across the room in a spin as she looked up at the ceiling. She needed to find some resolve before next Tuesday. She was in love with Alex, planned to stay in love with Alex, and if any friendship with Ali was going to challenge that surety, then Ali would simply have to be the one to go.

* * *

     Ali checked her watch for the fourth time in three minutes, and urged herself to remember that no matter how many times she wished it, she couldn’t make time move faster. She sat in a corner booth at the restaurant they’d agreed on – a small little place that had a modest group of customers on a Tuesday night, but nothing crazy. Ali tried her hardest not to think about why Ashlyn would want to meet so far away from her loft and at a place that seemed to have limited clientele.

     She fidgeted with the edge of the water glass that she’d been working on draining, anything to keep herself occupied as she waited for Ashlyn and fought the urge to bolt. Even though she’d been confident when she asked to meet for dinner that night, as each day passed she’d been less and less sure of her request. What was she after?

     Christen had been even less confident in it than she had been. Ali remembered the way her friend had sounded on the phone when Ali mentioned their plans for dinner.

     “Well, her girlfriend is going to be there, right?” Christen asked.

     “Erm, no,” Ali said slowly, twisting a paperclip out of shape as she sat at her desk. “It’s just us.”

     “Oh.” The tone in Christen’s voice had immediately changed. “Right. You sure that’s a wise idea?”

     “We need to talk,” Ali reasoned. “There were just too many times at Coney Island where we were uncomfortable. I think we both want to be friends, but we have to clear the air first.”

     “Makes sense,” Christen said slowly. “Probably not easy given that she hadn’t told her girlfriend about you.”

     “Well, considering ‘Lex’ was probably in the second grade when we dated, it makes sense. Anything that happens before you’re legally able to drive doesn’t count.” Ali rolled her eyes and started picking at little pieces of lint on her black slacks.

     “That’s the third time you’ve said her name in that tone of voice,” Christen said sternly. “You sure you don’t have a problem with her?”

     “Why would I?” Ali asked. “Anyway, the point is that Ashlyn and I are going to meet for dinner, hash it out, and then it’s all going to be fine. It won’t matter that she never told the teenybopper about us dating in college cause it won’t be a thing.”

     “Except, of course, for the thing you still have for Ashlyn. Babe, you’re gonna need to get right with that before you hang out with her again by yourself.”

     Ali frowned and leaned back in her chair. “Chris, listen to me. I _don’t_ have a thing for her. I got over it pretty quickly after we broke up. Do you remember me laying around and pining for her for months on end? No. Shit happens. Breakups happen. We were kids.”

     Still, Ali couldn’t ignore the feeling in the pit of her stomach as she said those words. Something about it didn’t feel quite right, didn’t feel true. It felt like as much as she wanted to believe it, she knew it was a lie.

     “Well then perhaps you can start by not making fun of her girlfriend whenever you talk about her. If you’re going to be friends, it’s probably best to be her friend as well.”

 _Definitely not going to mention the kiss,_ Ali thought to herself. It was probably for the best – Christen had very little patience or understanding for anything that could be construed as cheating. In fact, she’d given Ali so much shit during her random hookups over the years that Ali had pretty much learned what not to tell Christen about her love life. It wasn’t that she didn’t value her best friend’s advice, it was just that it was harder to accept the things she did when she felt like Jiminy Cricket was judging her on the phone.

     Ali wished she could get past the feeling that something was waiting for her on Tuesday. Sure, it’d been a little awkward, okay more than awkward, hanging out one on one with Ashlyn on her birthday, but that was just to be expected with the territory, right? They’d actually had a good time once they’d both relaxed, even given the kiss.

     Ashlyn hadn’t texted except for in response to Ali’s initial request for dinner, and as she sat in the booth alone, she began to wonder if she was even going to show up. Thinking back, Ali realized that she probably should’ve confirmed it earlier in the day to make sure Ashlyn even still wanted to come. She was just about to get her phone out and text when she saw the brunette walk through the door.

 _Fucker_ , Ali thought with a grimace. She had on slouched black jeans with holes in the knees over light brown lace up boots, and a clean olive toned shirt that ended right at the waistband, the tops of her boxer briefs showing every few steps when her shirt would move and settle. Her hair was fluffier than it had been the previous week, and definitely more than at the showing. Some of it was parted off to the side, a few strands falling more over her forehead and eyes. She looked annoyingly sexy.

     “Hey,” she said casually as she approached the table.

     Ali started to stand to give her a hug, but when Ashlyn went to reach for her, she scooted back and the booth and motioned to the opposite side. “I didn’t know what you wanted to drink, so I didn’t order for you.”

     “Er, that’s okay,” Ashlyn said as she sat down. “Are we on a no touching policy?”

     “Probably for the best, don’t you think?” Ali replied, looking down as she opened the menu and laid it on the table in front of her. She paused for a second before looking up with a considering glance. “I mean, I’m not sure us being touchy-feely is a particularly wise choice.”

     “Fair enough,” Ashlyn said, her attention taken away when the server approached and asked for her drink order. She took a look at Ali’s water and asked for the same. “No cocktails on a weekday?” she asked.

     “Also, not on a list of great ideas,” Ali answered.

     “Is steak on a list of good ideas?” Ashlyn asked with a grin as she opened her menu. “I really hope so, cause I’m starving.”

     “Steak is always a great idea.” They went quiet as they read, and Ali kept sneaking glances over the top of her menu across the table.

     She watched Ashlyn’s lips as she silently read through the different options and then seemingly had mini conversations with herself as she considered her choices. She looked up and down each arm slowly, taking in the details that she hadn’t been able to gawk at the week before when they were at the amusement park. There were so many little things about her that Ali wanted to take in, things that were different and new from when she’d known her before, and all of the things that were the same.

     “I’m thinking surf ‘n turf,” Ashlyn announced, barely giving Ali time to look away before she looked up.

     “Good choice,” Ali said distractedly, pretending to look back up for the first time as well. “I’m going with the pork chop.”

     “I’m gonna have to work out after this,” Ashlyn said with a smile. “Mac and cheese _and_ some potatoes, I think. And no vegetables.”

     “Isn’t potato a vegetable?” Ali asked.

     “Doesn’t count. It’s a lazy vegetable. A tuber. I don’t know. It’s bad for you and my trainer says it clings to your hips.”

     “ _Trainer_?” Ali asked with raised eyebrows as she reached for her water glass. “Are you serious?”

     “This body doesn’t look the way it does naturally,” Ashlyn said, waggling her eyebrows and pointing down at herself. When Ali smiled back, she seemed to go sheepish and put her hands down in her lap. “I mean, kind of. ‘Lex started me going to an Equinox. Some gym for fancy people. I just do weights mostly.”

     Ali nodded politely. “I run sometimes but really my job keeps me busy enough. I’m starting to get to that point in my twenties where I feel really sluggish and not perky anymore.”

     “It’s the man gettin’ you down,” Ashlyn said with a smile, taking a drink of water. “But you know, you look good so your job must work.”

     “Thanks,” Ali mumbled with a slight blush. “You look good, too.”

     Ali made the mistake of making eye contact, and when she looked up, Ashlyn was biting the corner of her lip. Immediately, the two of them looked back down at their menus, despite having already chosen their meals.

* * *

      They chewed their way through their dinners, ignoring the way that as the conversation began to flow more naturally, the more an easy intimacy built between the two of them. It was most evident to Ashlyn when Ali reached over midway through her own plate, spearing one of Ashlyn’s potatoes and a bite of her steak.

     “Oooh, medium rare. I’m _just_ starting to get down to medium,” she said, scrunching her nose. “But the potatoes are good.”

     “Medium?!” Ashlyn asked, dropping her fork and knife to her plate with a theatrical clatter. “It’s already dead, why do you have to kill it twice?”

     “Shut up, you idiot,” Ali laughed, slicing off a bite of pork chop, leaving more than half of it still on her plate. She sighed as she swallowed her mouthful and put her fork down. “I’m never going to be able to finish this.”

     “Same,” Ashlyn said, leaning back and patting her stomach. “Plus, we have to leave room for dessert.”

     “Crème brulee!” Ali exclaimed, clapping her hands. “And you can get the bananas foster and we can split. Agreed?”

     “Agreed,” Ashlyn said with an easy smile, watching as Ali continued to pick at her asparagus.

     She didn’t know why she’d been so worried for the last few days; the dinner was going really well. Ashlyn actually found herself very happy to be sitting at the table across from Ali, asking questions and getting to know one another again after such a long time.

     They’d discussed what happened right after Ashlyn left, even stopping to give an unprompted pause to the way things had ended. While they didn’t discuss the particulars, Ali had smiled sadly when Ashlyn talked about squishing all of her things into a tiny storage room.

     “Ashlyn,” she started, looking down at her nails while she plucked up her courage. “I hope you know,” she met her eyes, “that I am so very sorry for the way that all went down.”

     Ashlyn just nodded, busying herself with the cloth napkin in her lap. “It’s fine, Ali,” she said, shrugging. “It was a long time ago.”

     “It was,” Ali agreed, “but it was still hard. And I’m sorry I wasn’t able to … To do better.”

     “Ali,” Ashlyn started, but felt a buzzing in her pocket. “Ah, shit, just a second.”

     When she pulled her phone out, she immediately saw Alex’s face staring back at her as she blew a kiss. She wasn’t precisely sure why she was calling; Ashlyn had said she’d be late coming home that evening because she was meeting Ali for dinner. Alex had understood, not asked questions, and went about her day. _Of course, she wouldn’t ask questions,_ Ashlyn thought to herself, _she doesn’t know that there’s something she should have to ask about_.

     Ashlyn silenced the call with the buttons on the side and put her phone on the table.

     “Do you need to take it?” Ali asked, looking down at Alex’s face before the call ended and it disappeared from the screen.

     “Nah,” Ashlyn replied easily. “I’ll call her on my way home.”

     They ate in silence for a few seconds, both of them mostly just picking at their plates until Ali cleared her throat. “So, you’ve asked me the basics. Are you going to get to the hard questions, now?”

     Ashlyn grinned before taking a bite of macaroni. “Like what?” she asked.

     Ali shrugged and took a gulp of coffee. “We haven’t talked about dating.”

     Ashlyn bit the inside of her cheek to stave off the jealous pang in her chest. _Foolish_ , she thought. “Well, spill. Are you dating anyone?”

     “Not currently,” Ali answered. “I was seeing someone in D.C. before I moved but I didn’t want to do long distance.”

     “And he was okay with that?” Ashlyn asked.

     “ _She_ was,” Ali corrected and Ashlyn conceded a surprised nod. “Well, mostly okay. We were like, semi dating but not really. Does that make sense?”

     “Kind of,” Ashlyn laughed. “So, sleepovers but no shared toothbrush?”

     “Gross,” Ali giggled. “Do you and Alex share toothbrushes? Is that what it takes to be a lesbian these days?”

     “Well, it’s easier when you don’t have to worry about the occasional boy germ,” Ashlyn winked.

     “Ouch!” Ali said playfully. “Glad to see that chip on your shoulder has been buffed out with time.”

     Ashlyn drained her water glass with a shrug. “Well, I never went back to bisexuals. ‘Lex found me.”

     “Not much dating before her, then?” Ali asked and Ashlyn noticed the way she nervously began to bite her lip.

 _How much do I give away?_ How did she tell her that there hadn’t been anyone before Alex because of her? Would it be too much, too honest to tell her now that she’d been pining? Should she play it cool and aloof and pretend that there’d been plenty of one night stands before Alex but nothing serious? She stole a look across the table and considered; it was great fun to be with Ali again, to spend time together. How much could she say without ruining it?

     “Not much,” Ashlyn admitted. “Took me a little while, you know?”

     “Yeah,” Ali said. “Um, me too.”

     The two of them went quiet, allowing a moment for the server to come and clear the table and drop off dessert menus. Ali ordered another cup of coffee, Ashlyn a cappuccino, but she eyed the Bailey’s drink especially hard before sticking to their plan of no alcohol. She wondered idly how much Ali was telling the truth. A fair number of things had changed since Colorado, but the way Ali’s eyes darted around after a fib seemed to be the same.

     “It was hard to get over you,” Ashlyn said, surprised at how clear her voice remained. “It was harder than I thought it would be.”

     There was a moment then, when the two of them looked at one another and Ashlyn felt like Ali really understood. It felt like in that instant, even if nothing else, they could understand the pain that the other had gone through during those years. Ashlyn broke eye contact first, twirling her spoon between her fingers.

     “I pretended not to think of you,” Ali said, looking away. She stared towards the door as she continued to speak. “I locked you away in a box all of those years. I told myself that there was only one way to continue going forward, and I went for it. I didn’t … I don’t think I gave myself time to mourn properly.”

     “Is that why you didn’t want to spend time together last week? Is that why you tried to leave?” When Ali started to protest, Ashlyn grinned. “Don’t deny it.”

     Ali nodded sheepishly. “To be honest, I’m surprised I showed up at your birthday dinner. I just didn’t want to be rude.”

     “I’m glad you did come,” Ashlyn said genuinely. “It was nice to see you again. It’s nice to see you again now.”

     “It is nice,” Ali agreed. “It’s nice to feel like … I don’t know, I’m in a better place to appreciate seeing you again.”

     They smiled warmly at one another, Ashlyn feeling emboldened by their bald honesty. She leaned forward conspiratorially, watching as Ali naturally leaned forward as well.

     “I looked at your Instagram a few times over the years,” Ashlyn admitted, giving Ali a wide, awkward smile.

     Ali pretended to look around, then motioned Ashlyn forward with a finger. “I looked at yours, too.”

     “Ha!” Ashlyn said, leaning back and clapping. “I don’t feel so lame now.”

     “Don’t get ahead of yourself there, chief. I saw it once, on accident. You were on my people you may know list or something like that. It was even worse than actually going to look for you, I think. You just sort of sneak attacked me. Like, we’re talking I wouldn’t even let Chris tell me about what she knew about you, and then you showed up in the middle of the night once.”

     Ashlyn waggled her eyebrows. “Middle of the night, huh?”

     “ _Anyway_ ,” Ali said, continuing. “And last week, yeah. I was nervous to be around you and nervous to see you but it’s good. It really is. I forgot how good it feels to be friends.”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn agreed with a grin. “It does.”

     “But it does beg the question …” Ali started, trailing off and looking at Ashlyn with a narrowed eyebrow as she thought.

     “What question is that?” Ashlyn asked warily.

     “There is something from last week we haven’t discussed.”

     Right as she said that, Ashlyn’s phone rang again. She barely looked down to see Alex’s face one more time before she silenced the vibration and set it down on the bench beside her. She had a feeling she knew where Ali was going with the conversation, and the strange clench in the pit of her belly confirmed it.

     “Sorry, you were saying?”

     Ashlyn barely breathed as Ali continued forward, and by the way her voice dropped as she spoke, it became more and more apparent where they were going. She wasn’t ready. Or was she? It’d been hard enough to tell her that she’d had trouble getting over her but what was the point in getting into how she felt about her now that they were face to face?

     “When we were playing on the platform, you kissed me.”

     Ashlyn made a joke about picking a cocktail and right at that moment, the server showed up with their desserts. “Just the man I was looking for,” she said. “I’ll have one of the jalapeno manhattans, please.”

     “And for you, miss?” the server asked, turning to Ali.

     Ali considered for a moment, watching Ashlyn with interested eyes. “Um, blackberry mojito, please.”

     “Coming right up, ladies,” the gentleman said, taking off again.

     Ashlyn began to spoon away at her bananas foster while Ali kept an eye on her. If this conversation was drifting into uneasy territory, she intended to have a bite of her dessert before things had a chance to derail.

     “It wasn’t intentional,” she explained, preparing another spoonful. “I think it just felt a lot like college, you know? It felt like how it would when we’d spend time together and I got carried away.”

     “You got carried away,” Ali said, nodding slowly. “Right.”

     “I did,” Ashlyn insisted. “It wasn’t … I mean … I love Alex.”

     “I know,” Ali replied, looking down to start tapping away at the sugar top to her crème brulee. After taking a bite, she looked back up and shrugged. “I just … it seemed strange. And then you took off.”

     Ashlyn winced. “Yeah, that was dumb.”

     The two of them ate in silence for a few moments, Ashlyn considering. As she went through the thoughts in her head, Ali spoke. “I think it’s just about closure,” she said quietly between bites. “We never got closure. Maybe us running into each other again was to get that closure and move forward completely.”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn agreed. “I could buy that.”

     “So, there’s no reason to be weird about it, right? I mean, we can talk about things and spend time together. Okay, we used to be in a relationship, so what? It didn’t work out. Now you’re with Alex and I’m in a city with a billion other people. Now that we know each other again, maybe we can get past all of it once and for all and we can be better for it. Right?”

     Ali looked at her so hopefully that Ashlyn genuinely wished for it to be true. In fact, who said it wasn’t? Who said that it couldn’t theoretically work that way? She’d felt awful for the last few weeks every time she thought of Ali and their history. Wouldn’t it be better for the two of them to go forward and embrace everything versus hiding from it all and potentially just romanticizing leftover feelings from younger years?

     Their drinks arrived and Ashlyn made up her mind. She raised her glass in a toast. “To closure,” she said, and Ali clinked her edge.

     “To closure.”

     Except that night, as Ashlyn curled into bed and scrolled through her Instagram feed as part of her nightly routine, her heart still skipped a beat when she saw the selfie that the two of them had taken on the street in front of the restaurant before they went their separate ways.

     “Reunited and it feels so good! #ormaybeitsjustthemojito #nahshesoktoo #nyc #brooklyneats” The caption read, followed, strangely, by a cat emoji laughing. Ashlyn didn’t understand that part, but she supposed it didn’t matter. She double tapped the picture, watching as she became one of the thirteen to ‘like’ the post.

     “Closure,” Ashlyn whispered to herself, reaching to put her phone on her nightstand before rolling over to try to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *grooves* 
> 
> Really, I don't have much else to note except I love all of you who are reading this and I hope you're all happy and have good lives and you all get everything you need. You guys rock.


	33. filling gaps with your fantasies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years of pent up feelings spring loose.

     Ashlyn looked up from her sculpture when she heard the front door close. She wasn’t expecting anyone, and Alex was supposed to be in class. She heard footsteps through the small entry area, and she stood up from her chair, wiping her hands on her shirt as she crossed through the doorway.

     “Hello? Oh, hey. What are you doing here?”

     Ali stood off to one side, looking at one of the sculptures she had finished for another art show in upstate New York later in the month; she had her back to Ashlyn, head cocked to the side, but Ashlyn knew it was her from the shape of her body. Now that November had set in, the cooler weather had arrived in full form and Ali was wearing a thick, oversized sweater over skin tight black jeans, and tall dark brown boots. Her hair was drawn up in a messy bun and it sat atop a plaid scarf wrapped around her neck.

     “What’s this one about?” Ali asked, still with her back to Ashlyn.

     “That one?” Ashlyn answered, walking across the room to stand next to her. “It’s kind of about a journey. The zig zag looking swirls are meant to represent all of the changes in life, specifically in mine. So many times, I’ve thought that I was steady going in one direction and something happened to send me in another. The sharp edges here,” she reached to run her fingers over one, “are meant to represent the pitfalls I’ve passed. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing.”

     “I like it,” Ali said, reaching out to run her hands across the surface, her black painted fingernails gliding along. “It makes me feel like I can understand the parts of you that I missed while we were apart.”

     Ashlyn smiled softly, and shrugged one shoulder. “You didn’t miss a lot,” she said quietly. “It was rough and then I got really lucky and it got a lot better. Honestly, I’m kind of happy you’re just here for this.” She ran a hand through her messy hair, getting a trace of the scent of metal as she rubbed her neck. “Really. You didn’t miss anything.”

     “I missed this,” Ali said, turning to Ashlyn and taking her face in her hands.

     Ashlyn didn’t fight the kiss. Somewhere in the back of her mind, it occurred to her that there was a very serious reason she should be pushing Ali away. There was something very obvious that should be stopping her, but she didn’t listen to any of it. Instead, Ashlyn reached right back for Ali, wrapping her arms around her waist and pulling their bodies flush together.

     Ali wasted no time in slipping her tongue into Ashlyn’s mouth, her breath hitching when Ashlyn’s own met hers in the middle. Their lips engaged in a soft, languid dance; they kissed deeply, from their souls, and their hands smoothed across skin without scratching or grabbing. It felt as though time had stopped, but just for the two of them. Ashlyn had the strongest sense that everything until Ali left the studio was only in a world of their own.

     Ashlyn walked backwards, bringing Ali with her until she pressed up against a wall, giving her the leverage she needed to pull Ali’s body where she wanted it. She slipped one of her knees between Ali’s as they continued to kiss, gripping Ali’s hips to grind her along the top of Ashlyn’s thigh. Ali gasped into Ashlyn’s mouth and it turned into a breathless giggle, punctuated by a moan as Ali reached up to begin to remove her scarf.

     It felt as good as it ever had; Ashlyn felt a tingling ache beginning between her thighs as they began to rock their bodies against one another. It was better than any of her memories had been each of the times she’d trotted them out in the middle of the night as she lay in bed alone. She’d lost count of how many times the memory of Ali’s twenty-one-year-old body had brought her to a shaking orgasm over the years since they’d separated, but those bittersweet feelings were nothing now with twenty-six-year-old Ali in her arms.

     “I missed this,” Ali repeated into Ashlyn’s mouth, pulling back to place kisses all over her jaw and neck as Ashlyn slipped her hands beneath her sweater to run along her waist. “I missed you, Ashlyn. I missed you.”

     “I missed you,” Ashlyn whispered back, dragging her nails lightly up Ali’s spine and delighting in the way she shuddered against her, jutting her hips forward to grind harder against Ashlyn’s thigh. “God, I missed you.”

     Ashlyn started moving again, started walking Ali back towards the back room. She slid her hands into Ali’s, grabbing the scarf from her and dropping it on the floor as they continued to walk. Their mouths stayed connected as much as they could as each of them began to remove their tops, Ali’s sweater falling easily to the floor and leaving her bare chested with just a lacy blue bra underneath, the creamy skin of her stomach and chest flushed pink with lust. She reached out and held onto Ashlyn’s belt loops to pull her along as she removed her own t-shirt, discarding it onto the floor along with her sports bra in one movement.

     Ali’s hands reached out to grab onto Ashlyn’s breasts even before Ashlyn had spun her around to press against her work bench, distractedly reaching behind Ali to shove all of her tools and papers away as best she could. Once she was confident that it was cleared enough, she reached down between them, fumbling with the button and zipper on Ali’s pants as they continued to kiss, growing sloppier as their proximity to skin increased.

     “Need these off,” Ashlyn said once she felt the front of Ali’s underwear.

     She tugged on the edge of Ali’s pants, dropping down to crouch as Ali lifted her legs to try to free herself. Once Ashlyn found herself in an advantageous position she slowed her movements, sliding her hands up slowly between Ali’s legs, lingering on her knees and inching up towards her inner thighs. Ali’s hands reached to grip the edge of the table, white knuckling as Ashlyn leaned forward to begin to kiss right above her left knee.

     “Fuck, I can smell you,” Ashlyn breathed, dragging her bottom lip along Ali’s skin.

     Indeed, the musky scent of Ali’s arousal was almost all she was aware of; while it was rapidly recalling memories, she still maintained that nothing was as good as the reality of Ali getting wet right in front of her again. Ali moaned above her as Ashlyn kissed her way up, her fingers scant inches ahead of her. Ali wriggled a foot free of her pants and splayed her legs wide, giving Ashlyn easier access to where she wanted her to be.

     Much to her disappointment, right as the tips of Ashlyn’s fingers reached the edge of her underwear, she pulled away. Ali groaned and thrust her hips forward, nearly nudging Ashlyn’s face with the front of her pelvis except she’d moved far enough back to look up at her with a devilish grin. She shook her head slowly and pushed Ali back by her hipbones, watching in delight as the woman let her take command.

     “Eager, are we?” Ashlyn asked, smiling widely as Ali nodded, her lip between her teeth. “What do you want me to do?”

     Ali looked down at her crotch and then back to Ashlyn’s face. “Want you to touch me. Want you to lick me and fuck me.”

     “You want me to touch you?” Ashlyn teased, running her hands up the front of Ali’s thighs and going just beneath the edges of fabric, chuckling when Ali’s hips dropped towards where she was being touched in an anxious bid for friction. “Can see how wet you are for me.”

     Indeed, she could; Ashlyn ran her index finger along Ali’s slit, watching as the darker blue, slick mark there grew when she spread the moisture along. Ali sighed in the back of her throat, leaning her chest back to accommodate for the slow forward rocking of her hips as Ashlyn applied more pressure to where she knew her clit was. She removed her finger and right as Ali looked down to protest, she leaned forward to kiss her directly over the fabric, being sure to blow hot air onto her delicate skin as she did.

     Ali squealed with joy and let some control go, moving one of her hands to the back of Ashlyn’s head to keep her in place as Ashlyn began to move her lips against Ali’s underwear, mouthing every inch of her until she could taste her come clearly on her tongue. Ashlyn moved her hands slowly from Ali’s hips to her stomach, reaching up and up until she got to the edge of Ali’s bra and she pulled on it to indicate her desire for its removal.

     “Ashlyn,” Ali breathed, distractedly reaching behind her back to pop the fastener on her bra, allowing the straps to slacken on her shoulders before Ashlyn’s hands covered her breasts.

     Ali arched her back a little as Ashlyn’s fingertips tweaked and pulled at her nipples, particularly enjoying the sensations in conjunction with her mouthing kisses between her legs. Still, it wasn’t enough. Ashlyn smiled as she felt Ali push more insistently against her face, sliding her hands through Ashlyn’s hair and along her cheeks until she started to pull at the edges of her own underwear.

     “Want these off,” Ali murmured, looking down at Ashlyn as the brunette grinned up at her.

     “Yes ma’am,” Ashlyn said, kissing the top band before peeling them down.

     Immediately, Ali opened her legs wider until she sat partially on the table behind her, allowing Ashlyn full access. Ali growled as she took her time, kissing her legs and thighs and running her fingers up and down while humming. She was just about to say something about speeding it along when Ashlyn stuck her tongue out and licked her from top to bottom, collecting the come as it began to drip.

     Ashlyn wanted to moan just as loud as Ali as she swallowed the first mouthful; Ali was just as delicious as she’d been before. The taste of her was thick and sweet; the edge of a musky richness lingering on her tongue every time she pulled back to look up at her. Ali looked stunning, torso stretched, a light definition of muscle and bone on display as she rolled and twisted her hips against Ashlyn’s face. She had one hand on a breast, the other dug into Ashlyn’s hair, keeping them tethered as she whimpered and moaned.

     As she rubbed two fingers between Ali’s soaking lips, Ashlyn felt another ache in her own clit; she could happily stay between Ali’s legs all day, but she’d need to be touched soon. From the slippery feeling in her shorts, she knew she was just as wet, if not more. She pushed slowly into Ali, allowing her to accommodate to the stretch of her long, thin fingers and was pleasantly surprised when Ali swirled her hips on them, counter to Ashlyn’s movement within her, a husky chuckle coming from her throat.

     “More,” she breathed, scratching her nails against the back of Ashlyn’s head and spreading her thigh open wider. “Want more.”

     A third finger joined the other two, twisting and massaging Ali’s inner walls, curling upwards and tapping against the spot she still remembered would drive her wild. As though no time had passed, Ali shivered very similarly to how she would have before. Withdrawing her fingers completely as she twisted her tongue around Ali’s clit, Ashlyn entered her again, opening and gliding her fingers through Ali until she could play with that one sensitive spot; over and over until Ali was gasping breath, both hands behind her on the edge of the table.

     “Yes, yes, yes, Ash,” Ali whispered, biting down on her lip as her eyes drifted shut. “Fuck, you feel good.”

     “Come for me baby,” Ashlyn said with Ali’s clit between her lips. She hummed with it in her mouth, only releasing as she began to thrust harder with her fingers. “Come on.”

     The sounds of Ali’s orgasm filled the air; echoes of her staccato moan, mixed in with the higher pitched whine when Ashlyn clamped her mouth down on her clit and sucked the last bit out of her, bounced off the brushed concrete floors and mostly bare walls of Ashlyn’s studio. Ashlyn withdrew her fingers and lightly licked along Ali’s slit, rocking her head and reaching up to place her palms on either side of Ali’s hips as she calmed down. Her moans turned into soft hums and quiet sighs, interspersed with giggles each time she’d shiver and shake with the after waves of her orgasm.

     “Jesus,” she said in a breathy whisper, half giving into a laugh. “I’m almost embarrassed to tell you how long it’s been since I’ve come that hard.”

     Ashlyn smirked as she stood, licking her lips clean before kissing the side of Ali’s jaw. “No, no. Please, tell me. I’m guessing it’s in the neighborhood of four years. Hmm?”

     “Cocky,” Ali chided as she ran her fingers up Ashlyn’s bare back, sliding along her skin until she reached her hairline.

     Ashlyn leaned her body into Ali, kissing her shoulder and spreading her hands on every inch of skin she could; it’d been so long since she’d touched her, so long that she’d imagined doing this again that she couldn’t wait another moment. Except …

     When Ali nipped on her earlobe, Ashlyn’s hips surged forward, grinding hard against Ali’s thigh. She groaned at the muted wave of pleasure, fighting against the urge to rut against her again.

     “Al, baby … Please,” Ashlyn whispered, kissing Ali’s neck as she ran her hand up the column of her throat. “Need to come.”

     “Yeah?” Ali asked teasingly, but she wasted no time in slipping her hand down the front of Ashlyn’s shorts, heading directly for her clit.

     Ashlyn gripped onto Ali’s shoulders hard, spreading her legs wider to give the slighter woman room as she rubbed Ashlyn’s clit between her thumb and index finger a few times, then moved down to push her fingers towards her opening. Ashlyn curved her hips again, grinding hard against Ali’s hand when she pushed inside of her, trying her best to stifle her moan against Ali’s bare shoulder.

     “Fuck.” The swear came out drawn out and lazy, transforming into a deep moan at the end when Ali added another finger.

     Ashlyn lost herself in the feeling; one of Ali’s arms wrapped around her, keeping a tight hold on her as she ground her hips against Ali’s other hand in her underwear. She kept ignoring the voice in the back of her head that urged her to pay attention, that told her there was some reason why this wasn’t a good idea. Nothing else mattered except for the feeling. It’d been so long, so long since she’d felt this good being touched this way and she wasn’t likely to let it go by quickly.

     “Ash,” Ali whispered in her ear, kissing along the shell. “Ash, baby.”

     “Mmm,” Ashlyn replied, grinding her hips again in a circle as Ali rubbed two of her fingers from her opening up to her clit.

     “Ash,” Ali said again, a little louder. “Ash.”

     “Yeah?” Why was she saying her name? Couldn’t she see the focus and bliss on Ashlyn’s face?

     “Ash!”

     Ashlyn woke with a start and a mouthful of pillow; the room was dark save for the lights outside of her bedroom window, the distant sounds of sirens and the occasional car horn bringing reality back rather quickly. She was aware of a hand on her back, of the shape of a woman lying against her, halfway propped up on an elbow.

     “Ash, are you okay?” Alex ran her hand up Ashlyn’s back, soothing her skin as she went.

     “Er, yeah,” Ashlyn said, releasing the fistfuls of sheets she was clenching and twisting her body to face her girlfriend.

     “Good dream?” Alex asked, her cheek quirked in a grin. She leaned forward and kissed Ashlyn, her mouth lingering.

     “Mmm,” Ashlyn agreed, guilt seeping into her stomach as she felt Alex inch closer towards her.

     “Oh, come on,” she said, nipping at Ashlyn’s bottom lip and licking along it before pulling back and whispering between them. “You were grinding against the mattress pretty hard there, babe. It looked like it was a good one.”

     Ashlyn closed her eyes tightly; she could still somehow taste Ali on her tongue. _I don’t wish it was her, I don’t wish it was her._

     Alex reached around Ashlyn’s shoulders, bringing her in for a deeper kiss and scooting their bodies closer until she was slipping her leg between Ashlyn’s. Guilty as sin, Ashlyn ground down against Alex’s thigh, painfully aware of the way her clit continued to throb from the interruption of what she was sure would’ve been an orgasm in her sleep. She kept her eyes open, adjusting to the dark of the room and making out Alex’s sleepy eyes and devilish grin.

     Ashlyn leaned forward, closing her eyes as she pressed her mouth against her girlfriend’s, forcing herself to visualize only Alex as they began to make out. She pulled the younger woman on top of her, allowing Alex to maneuver until she was straddling Ashlyn’s hips and sitting up to take her t-shirt off.

     “Wanna go back to your dream?” Alex asked teasingly.

     Ashlyn shook her head, willing herself to believe her answer. She sat up as well, closing her mouth over one of Alex’s nipples, sliding her other hand around her waist to guide her as she began to rock against Ashlyn’s abdomen. Unable to keep herself from thinking about the fading echoes of her dream, Ashlyn instead focused on the differences between the two. Alex’s hands were smaller, her mouth more insistent and forceful as she kissed Ashlyn; her tongue more dominant than Ali’s who liked – _used to like_ , Ashlyn corrected herself – Ashlyn taking charge.

      Alex braced her hands on either of Ashlyn’s shoulders, using her as leverage to lean back into her thrusting, rocking back and forth on Ashlyn’s lap in a dizzying pattern. _Their hips are different_ , Ashlyn noted, thumbing the dip in Alex’s much more prominent vee of her pelvis. She enjoyed the way Alex felt small in her arms, liked the way her hands spread wider and covered more skin. Especially, she liked the way that she could thrust her own hips up and flip Alex onto the bottom as the way she did now.

     Alex bit her lip as Ashlyn surged her hips forward, raising her legs up to wrap around the taller woman’s waist. She reached up and behind her to grip onto the slatted headboard, turning her head as Ashlyn kissed her way up Alex’s chest and arms as she propped up on one of her knees to begin to remove Alex’s underwear.

     “Are you ready?” she asked lowly, biting the top of Alex’s ear.

     In response, Alex thrust her hips up towards her, digging her heels down into the mattress. Ashlyn smiled as she ran her fingers along the insides of Alex’s thighs, already feeling the come dripping down her legs. She enjoyed the way Alex became so aroused, always wet and ready for Ashlyn; it was one of the things Ashlyn had liked best from the first time they’d fucked.

     “I want you to touch me,” Alex said in a scratchy whisper, and Ashlyn’s hand stopped.

     It was impossible to keep the memory of her dream from flashing across the front of her mind. She pictured Ali pressed up against the wall of her studio, and then again on the edge of the table. She had a hard time accepting that it had been a dream; Ali had felt so real in her arms and against her tongue and between her thighs. Her voice in Ashlyn’s ear, asking for all of those things had sounded so …

     But it was Alex who ground her pelvis against Ashlyn, and Alex who was looking up at her in their bed, in their shared apartment. _Alex_ , she said to herself, trying to remember their love and forget the feelings for Ali that were so old.

     “Fuck me baby,” Alex said, reaching to pull Ashlyn’s hair, guiding her head back down for them to kiss. “I want you to fuck me hard.”

     “Yeah?” Ashlyn asked, pressing their foreheads together. “Want it rough ‘Lex?”

     Alex nodded briefly before pulling Ashlyn back by her hair. “Show me how strong you are.”

     Ashlyn lifted up to her knees, cupping Alex’s jaw and running her thumb over her lips before she pushed her back down to the mattress, watching a grin light up on her face. Then, she reached over to the other side of the bed, opening up the top drawer on the nightstand. Even in the dark, she knew what to grab and she came away with the harness, toy, and the bottle of lube.

     Ashlyn made a show of standing up to tower over Alex as she writhed on the bed, stretching her body out and smirking while Ashlyn put the dildo into the straps. Already shirtless, Ashlyn shimmied out of her shorts before lifting a leg to put the strap on into place, tightening and fastening properly before applying a few drops of lube onto it and using her hand to slick the toy up.

     Alex bit her lip as Ashlyn dropped down to her knees, lifting Alex’s legs one at a time to place them over her shoulders.

     “This what you’re looking for?” Ashlyn asked, staring down at Alex with intense eyes, running the tip of the dildo over her clit.

     “Mmm, yes,” Alex said gruffly, her voice scratchy with sleep and desire. She rolled her hips against the tip of the toy, biting her lip each time it pressed into a spot she liked.

     “And you’re sure,” Ashlyn started, pushing the dick into Alex as she continued to speak, “that you want it … rough?” She punctuated her question with a sharp thrust forward, bottoming out against Alex, who gasped.

     “Y-yes,” she answered, nodding as her eyes drifted closed, her hips lifting up to grind a slow circle against Ashlyn’s though they were conjoined.

     “Okay baby, whatever you want.” Ashlyn lifted back up, pressing against Alex’s shoulders and then the mattress as she drew her hips back out.

     She thrusted carefully at first; her movements were sure and calculated, watching Alex’s face for the slightest sign of discomfort. As her clamped lips turned into a Cheshire grin, Ashlyn allowed herself to let go, letting her hips move faster and harder as she continued to thrust. Each time she pressed into Alex, the base of the dildo gave her enough pressure to pulse her own clit, ratcheting up her own desire as Alex began to sigh and moan. She reached up to take Ashlyn by her shoulders, her fingers gripping her muscles.

     “You like that?” Ashlyn asked, breathless from effort. She lifted one of her feet as she felt her toes give way to the sheets – _fucking sateen,_ she thought – and as she thrusted in, Alex’s eyes opened wide, the same as her mouth.

     “ _There!_ ” she gasped, her hands jerking up to grip the back of Ashlyn’s head. “Keep fucking me. Right. There.”

     On and on they went, Ashlyn’s muscles beginning to ache from the repetitive movements, each driving deeper as Alex’s moans had given away to zealous gasps and cries. She reached up to take each of Alex’s wrists, pinning them above her head as Ashlyn continued to pound into her. She delighted in the look on her girlfriend’s face, delighted in the feel of her own aching pussy though she desperately wanted to come herself. She’d nearly forgotten her dream until she thought about how she’d nearly forgotten it.

     At once, Ali’s face came prominently to the front of her mind. Suddenly, it wasn’t Alex beneath her but Ali – Ali’s mouth open in pleasure, Ali’s eyes screwed shut. It was Ali who was gripping hard onto the headboard, her heels that dug into Ashlyn’s back as she drove her hips up and against Ashlyn’s with each thrust.

     And Ashlyn couldn’t deny that she started to fuck her even harder. She was angry, she was aching, she was thirsting for that which she couldn’t have; she ignored the needling of her consciousness and gave in completely, closing her own eyes to focus instead on the rapidly recalled remnants of the dream she’d just had. _Just this once_ , she thought, _get it out of your fucking system._

     But then she opened her eyes to see Alex staring up at her and smiling, joyful and bright as she’d ever been and her heart ached. It was too much and she was too far in. She couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop, but she couldn’t stand Alex to look at her that way. Ashlyn scrambled for a solution and it came to her at once. She slowed to a stop amidst Alex’s whining protest, pulling out as gently as she could before she gripped the younger woman’s hips and flipped her over, reaching back to push her feet up until she was up on her knees.

     “Ooh, yes,” Alex said, arching her back as Ashlyn guided the tip of the toy into her from behind. She tried to press back onto it but Ashlyn’s strong hands stopped her.

     “My pace,” Ashlyn nearly growled. She wondered for a moment if she should use a bit more lube before trying to fuck Alex again, but a quick swipe of her fingers assured her it wouldn’t be necessary. “You’re so fucking eager,” she chuckled.

     “Please Ashlyn,” Alex whined, trying again to push backwards onto the dildo.

     “ _Please_?” Ashlyn taunted, pressing the tip of the toy right at Alex’s opening, swiveling her hips to stretch her out. “You think good manners will get you fucked the way you want?”

     Alex could only moan in response, trying once more to buck backwards before Ashlyn gave in, pressing into her inch by inch, slowly to allow her to accommodate. She spread her hands over Alex’s back, feeling the muscles spread and move, following along with her fingertips. Within moments, Alex was fucking herself onto the toy, slamming backwards and colliding with Ashlyn’s hips, resulting in a sinful sound.

     “Fuck me,” Alex said breathlessly, giving into a groan as she dropped her head down onto the mattress.

     Ashlyn did as she was told; she lifted her leg up again, rather enjoying the control that the position gave her, bringing Alex’s hips back into her and onto the toy at an increasing pace. Again, her mind drifted, though she knew it was more a purposeful foray into illicit thinking rather than absentminded dalliance – it was then Ali bouncing backwards onto her, Ali moaning into the blankets and sheets as Ashlyn ran her hands along the small of her back.

 _I’ll fuck you alright,_ she thought, wishing she was saying it aloud to Ali, pushing away the growing debt of guilt and remorse that was adding up in the back of her mind. If it was wrong to have even a single errant thought, wasn’t it better to get it all out at once and then never go back? That was the last rational explanation before Alex started to cry out, her body shaking and writhing as she lost rhythm before her climax.

     Ashlyn didn’t allow her much time at all to rest, just the time it took for her to stand on the side of the bed and drop the harness from her hips. She reached down and grabbed Alex’s hand, bringing her to stand next to her. Alex began to reach down, grabbing the harness before leaning in to give Ashlyn a lazy kiss.

     “I need to wash it off real quick,” Alex said, moving to put one leg through the strap before Ashlyn stopped her, shaking her head and motioning for Alex to put the toy down.

     “No, over here,” Ashlyn said, pulling her girlfriend with her as she leaned back against the wall, reaching to hold the back of Alex’s head as they kissed. “Just with your hand.”

     “Okay baby,” Alex said, kissing Ashlyn’s jaw and running her hand along her stomach.

     “No, _now_ ,” Ashlyn insisted, pushing Alex’s fingers down towards her aching pussy. She looked away from Alex’s face, allowing the smaller woman to kiss the side of her neck and chest as she pushed her fingers inside of her.

     Ashlyn gripped one arm tightly around Alex’s waist, the other reaching up over her head to scrabble uselessly at the wall as Alex rubbed her clit with her thumb while sliding two of her fingers in and out, using speed and force rather than grace and dexterity to achieve the goal that was so painfully close.

     “Just like that, yeah, just like that,” Ashlyn breathed, biting down on the corner of her lip and groaning as she felt a pulse from between her legs.

     Alex bit onto the juncture of her shoulder and neck, surely leaving a mark and Ashlyn barely noticed. She dug her fingertips into Alex’s hip, gripping hard as she chased down the orgasm she’d been following all night. It was going to be rough and hard, and Ashlyn felt an edge of anger and annoyance as she caught just the edge. She tried hard to focus on Alex’s fingers, the same as she had hundreds of times leading to a successful climax but it just wasn’t working.

 _Don’t,_ she thought to herself, _don’t even think about it._ But as soon as she forbade herself, it came to mind of its own accord: the sleep-memory of Ali standing in that same position, her hand between Ashlyn’s legs instead of Alex’s. Ashlyn bucked her hips forward onto the hand there, pushing away the guilt as she did, feeling the delightful warmth creep up her legs and down her spine.

 _Ali,_ she thought freely, _Ali, Ali, Ali – fuck me, Ali._ The guilt was the farthest thing from her mind as she continued to roll her hips, grinding her clit hard against the palm as two fingers twisted and rubbed inside of her. Her thighs quaked with pleasure and just a little pain; the hand digging into her side was surely leaving bruises as were the teeth and lips on her neck but it added to the melee of sensation inside of her head.

     It’d been so long, it’d been so hard; forgetting Ali and pushing her away until the memory of her lay still and silent. Ashlyn had told herself a million times that it would never come to anything ever again and it was best action to just move on. Then they ran into each other that Saturday evening at Grand Central and there was a metaphor somewhere about trains and stations and the constellations painted on the ceilings and the lightyears they’d traveled to be near each other once more but the abstract concept was too far flung for Ashlyn’s pleasure soaked brain to absorb.

     “Fuck yeah,” Ashlyn breathed, gasping and moaning loudly as she bucked her hips hard. “Yes, please, God yes.”

     There was a chuckle in her ear, low and sexy, accompanied by teeth on her lobe and she remembered all of the times Ali had done that in her tiny twin bed, and in Ali’s sorority house and in a lavish hotel overlooking downtown Denver and so many places in so few months. It was all flooding back and would be a monster to contain again but Ashlyn welcomed it with reckless abandon as her hips began to quake and her toes curled against their cooled floor.

     “Fuck – I’m gonna … Fuck, I’m gonna come. Al, Al I’m gonna come,” Ashlyn said, gripping hard onto the hand holding her, her eyes screwed shut in ecstasy as she threw her head back against the wall.

     Ashlyn wasn’t sure how long it took her to come, nor how long it took her to come down but as she did, she’d pushed away the other thoughts from her head and smiled at Alex as she softly kissed the side of her neck and her jawline. With a long, shaky breath, she chuckled and pushed her hand through her bedraggled hair.

     “Fuck ‘Lex, that was so good,” Ashlyn said, giving her girlfriend a breathless kiss.

     Alex laughed softly in return, nuzzling into the nape of Ashlyn’s neck as she curled her arms around her. “Sounded like it babe,” she said. “I think you even forgot my name there for a second.”

     “Shut up dummy,” Ashlyn replied playfully, but closing her eyes in the darkness as she felt the guilt beginning to take over once more.

     “Let’s go back to bed baby,” Alex said, stifling a yawn into Ashlyn’s chest as they started to shuffle towards the bed.

     Though Alex was asleep within minutes, clinging onto Ashlyn as her breathing evened out, Ashlyn stayed awake until the sky outside began to lighten, trying to figure out how the fuck to fit everything back into the box again now that she’d let it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Who's ready for some quick updates?


	34. can't say yes, can't say no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tension builds and Ali and Ashlyn both wonder when they'll combust.

     “So,” Kelley began, taking a deep breath, “you’re telling me that you had a sex dream about your ex-girlfriend and then woke up to have real sex with your current girlfriend but also thought about your ex-girlfriend.”

     “Uhh, yeah,” Ashlyn answered with a wince.

     “And then in the middle of this sex, you also called your current girlfriend by your ex-girlfriend’s name?”

     “Also correct.”

     “Well, shit,” Kelley said, blowing a raspberry. “You know, I thought it was a little weird that you were dating a girl with your ex’s name but it seems to have saved your ass, hasn’t it?”

     Ashlyn sat back in her chair, kicking up her feet onto her work bench. “Dude, I don’t know where it came from.”

     “Probably from you actively stalking her Instagram.”

     “I’m not _stalking_ her Instagram,” Ashlyn argued.

     “Did you forget that awful little feature that shows you your friends’ activity? Yeah. You went back and liked pictures weeks and _months_ old, dude. You’re Insta-stalking her.”

     “Aren’t you supposed to be helping me?” Ashlyn grumped.

     “Dude,” Kelley started, “I was up for helping you when y’all first ran into each other and you didn’t know what to do. Then you decided you wanted to be friends with her. _Then_ you decided that after ‘accidentally’ kissing her that you wanted to _talk_ about accidentally kissing her. I can’t help you from yourself.” The line went silent as Ashlyn bit on the edge of her nail, unable to do anything but admit that her best friend was right.

     “Ash, you’re going to have to start being honest with yourself. You’re not over this whole thing with Ali.”

     “I love Alex,” Ashlyn said automatically with a frown. “I love her.”

     “No one’s saying you don’t,” Kelley said slowly, “but you’re not exactly being fair to her right now. She doesn’t even know about y’all’s history. So, sure, it doesn’t bother her when you two go out for dinner or when you call her Ali’s nickname –“

     “She doesn’t know that’s Ali’s nickname,” Ashlyn interjected.

     “ _When you call her Ali’s nickname,_ ” Kelley continued, “or when you go back and like every Instagram post from her birth until today but that’s also because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to be the jealous girlfriend.”

     “That’s kind of sexist, isn’t it? Or, I don’t know, misogynistic?” Ashlyn huffed. “Maybe Alex wouldn’t be any of those things. It’s twenty-sixteen, you know. Women are advanced.”

     “Yeah, but if she _knew_ about everything and still wasn’t the jealous girlfriend, then we could say she was advanced. For now, she’s just a mushroom.”

     “A mushroom?”

     “Yeah. Fed shit and kept in the dark.”

     “Hey now,” Ashlyn said sternly, “take it easy.”

     “I love you, Ashlyn Michelle Harris. You’ve been my best friend for five years and I don’t regret anything – not even the time I woke up with only one eyebrow. But as your best friend in the world, it’s also my job to tell you when I think you’re wrong.” Kelley went quiet, giving Ashlyn a moment to think. When she spoke again, her voice was softer. “Babe, you’re wrong on this one. You need to come clean.”

     Ashlyn leaned her head back and let her phone fall down to her chest. She looked up at the ceiling as she pondered; tracing the lines of exposed pipework as they snaked around from one wall to another. No matter how the saying went, even though the shortest distance between two points was a straight line, it seemed that it didn’t always happen that way. There were walls and studs and different pipes to navigate; the right way wasn’t always easy.

     Ashlyn had worried about this from the morning after running into Ali at that party. She’d been on her way to the gym, earbuds blaring some mindless rock song to distract her and she couldn’t help but get rid of the excitement flooding through her veins. It was _thrilling_ to see Ali again, to be in her same orbit. It felt akin to going years without cake and then all of the sudden having a perfectly baked, freshly frosted three layer shoved in front of you after not eating for two days. It was impossible to resist.

 _Except_ , she reasoned with herself, _I haven’t been starving. I’ve had Alex._ Alex had shown up and broken through Ashlyn’s defenses even when she didn’t want her to; she’d just walked through the front gate. That meant something, it had to – that it was fate, or she was the best for her, or whatever. Maybe it wasn’t about being tempted with cake when being hungry, but rather knowing that as decadent and delicious it was, it still wasn’t _good_ for you.

     She didn’t want to lose Ali again; as complicated as the sentiment was, she knew it without thinking. She didn’t want her gone from her life again. She’d pushed her out of her mind once, she didn’t want to do it again. It was partially why she tried so hard to be friends and find closure with her; she wanted to believe that the two of them could remain in each other’s lives and not cause chaos. She didn’t want to go through the pain of having to forget her all over again.

     “You’re right,” Ashlyn said quietly. “I’m not being fair to ‘Lex at all.”

     “Nope,” Kelley replied. “I get it dude, it’s a fucked-up situation. I know how much it hurt to get over Ali before, and even though you two aren’t a thing now, it’s still gotta feel like you have to get over her all over again.”

     “It does.” Ashlyn bit her nail again, down to the quick. “I just really wanted to be friends. I wanted …”

     “I know,” Kelley said, “and I really wish you could be, too. And who knows … maybe?” But her voice didn’t do much to convince Ashlyn.

     “Yeah, maybe,” Ashlyn replied in the same dubious tone. She was about to say something else when she heard the front door open. “Hey Kel, ‘Lex just got here. One second, babe!” Ashlyn called over her shoulder as she dropped her feet to the ground. “Ssam this weekend?”

     “Hell yeah,” Kelley said. “Fried vegetable dumplings, get in my belly.”

     “Later, dude.”

     Ashlyn stood and stretched, listening to the shuffle of boots out in the other room, figuring Alex to be taking off her multiple layers. Being born and raised in California, Alex wasn’t used to the fall and winter temperatures in New York and frequently left the apartment muttering about it being too cold to exist. Ashlyn hadn’t had the heart yet to tell her about things like the snowpocalypses.

     “You know baby, the fastest way to get warm is to get naked with someone – oh, hi.”

     Ashlyn’s stomach dropped when she turned the corner and found Ali instead of her girlfriend. Immediately, the images of her previously discussed dream came to mind, and Ashlyn worked very hard to ignore the sensations in her jeans. She took a short breath and forced a smile on her face, one she hoped was more inviting than bewildered.

     “What are you doing here?” Ashlyn blurted out.

     “Hello to you, too,” Ali said with a raised eyebrow. “I’m going to assume you’re not happy to see me.”

     Ashlyn tried to splutter a reply and ended up shrugging. “I’m not _not_ happy to see you. I just, you know, it’s a surprise. I haven’t talked to you since – hey … how did you know where my studio was?”

     “I have my ways,” Ali said, waggling her eyebrows, and just as Ashlyn’s eyes went wide, she smiled. “Alex texted me. She gave me the address and told me to meet her here. She said she was running a few minutes behind because of the train.”

     “Oh,” Ashlyn replied, deeply relieved. Then, as the thought processed, she looked just as confused again. “Uh, why are you meeting Alex here?”

     “She didn’t tell you?” Ali asked.

     However, just what it was, Ashlyn had to wait to find out. At that moment, Alex came bursting through the door, a mass of flying fleece and wool and layer upon layer of moisture wicking fabric. She was saying something likely important, as her voice seemed to be raised, but was having difficulty removing the scarf from where it was wrapped just over her mouth. As she struggled to get her gloves off, Ashlyn walked over to her.

     “Come here, goober. There,” she said, removing Alex’s sweater and beanie. “You were saying?”

     “It’s fucking _freezing_ ,” Alex complained, dropping her book bag and coat on the ground next to an old bench that Ashlyn had recovered from a street corner a few months prior. “Hey, Ali!”

     “Hi Alex,” Ali said with a bright smile.

     “Ugh, sorry I’m late,” Alex replied, walking over to Ashlyn and beginning to ruffle her layers, seeking skin to warm her fingers up, even as the taller woman protested and tried to push her off. “Quit, my fingers are going to fall off and _then_ what are you going to do?”

     Ashlyn smiled in embarrassment at Ali who hid her smirk down at the ground. “’Lex, your hands are cold.”

     “Ooh, not anymore,” Alex purred as her hands splayed out over Ashlyn’s stomach and back. “Oh, that’s nice. Okay, hi!” She reached up on her toes and gave Ashlyn a quick kiss.

     “Hey babe,” Ashlyn said, wrapping an awkward arm around her shoulders. “You didn’t tell me you were bringing Ali over.”

     “We’re working on something,” Alex replied, and turned to Ali who gave her a questioning look. “Or rather, I’m hoping we can work on something together.”

     “Depends,” Ali said, checking her watch. “If it involves hiding a body, I have a meeting at two that I can’t really miss.”

     Ashlyn chuckled and detached herself from a protesting Alex. “I’m going to go in the back and heat up the water kettle. Tea?” she asked Ali who nodded. “I’ve got earl grey, English breakfast, peppermint –“

     “Peppermint!” Alex interjected.

     “And I think some Darjeeling but don’t quote me on that.”

     “Uhh, earl grey would be nice, thanks,” Ali said, beginning to remove her scarf.

     As Ashlyn made her way into the back room, she heard Alex offer Ali a seat on one of the benches. She began to tune them out as she poured some bottled water into the electric kettle and busied herself looking for clean mugs. _It’s not a big deal_ , she told herself while taking a deep breath. _She’s just here to see Alex. Even though that doesn’t quite make sense yet._

     Ashlyn waited until everything was ready and steeping, using her large hands to carry the mugs into the other room. As she distributed them, she looked up and smiled.

     “So, what are you two planning,” she asked, taking a seat and ensuring she was closer to Alex.

     “Ali is amazing,” Alex gushed, leaning to pat her leg. “She’s going to work with the school to help promote the big play next Spring.”

     Ashlyn gulped a larger sip than expected, scalding her throat. “Ow, uh, she’s going to what?”

     “We sometimes work on art promotion, particularly with plays and shows. I’ve been trying to secure some new clients, and when I mentioned it to Alex yesterday, she said she might have an idea, but she’d have to ask her department head first.” Ali nervously held onto her mug, only lowering her head to blow the steam away.

     “McCallister is totally in,” Alex said with a nod. She turned to Ashlyn, leaving a hand uncomfortably high on her thigh. “They wanted to hire some outside advertisers anyway, and when I told him that I had a contact, he was so happy.”

     “That’s – great,” Ashlyn said with a barely perceptible pause. She forced another smile at Ali who nodded and went back to blowing on her tea. “So, what does that mean? You give her the details and it’s a sort of hand off thing or …?”

     Alex shook her head, turning back to Ali. “No, I’m actually helping set the whole thing up so we’re going to be working really close together.” She thought of something and suddenly clapped. “We can use our loft as a central location so we don’t have to have meetings just at your office over in Manhattan. I’m such a sucker for Brooklyn. I wish my school weren’t on the island but what are you going to do?”

     She turned to Ashlyn, kissing her on the jaw. “That’s not gonna be a problem, is it babe? I mean, it might get a little messy or hectic if we’re having meetings there but you have the studio, so you should be fine. You can just come here or go to Kelley’s if you want some space, right?”

     Ashlyn looked up in time to see Ali searching her face. _Your eyes are exactly the fucking same,_ she thought to herself, flashing between memories of them years ago, the night they met again at the party and the fading bits of her dream that she’d been replaying in her head to keep fresh. This definitely wasn’t going in the direction of keeping space between them, and she could only imagine what Kelley would say when she found out.

     “Yeah, that sounds great,” she heard herself reply, tearing her eyes away from Ali and instead focusing on Alex as she threw her arms around her.

* * *

     “I’m still pissed you’re missing Thanksgiving,” Kyle said, throwing two bags of marshmallows into the cart as they walked by a display. “Who does that?”

     “I don’t know,” Ali said, reaching in to put one of them back, “maybe the guy who spent last year in Mallorca and the two years before that Cancun, and the year before that –“

     “Not the point, AK,” Kyle retorted, reaching over to cover her mouth. “You’re always there when I’m there and that’s what makes it so much fun. You’re leaving me to family thanksgiving with all of the aunts and uncles and cousins and I’m going to be the only gay one.”

     “You suffer so,” Ali gushed, making a show of pinching one of his cheeks. “You’re such a noble hero, Kyle Krieger.”

     “Whatever,” he said, pushing her hand off and stopping in front of the display for cranberry sauce. “You go ahead and enjoy your crappy Thanksgiving with your _co-worker_.”

     “She’s my boss,” Ali corrected, looking through the cans and then picking up a recipe for a homemade option. “Do you think I should go through all of this for some cranberry sauce or just buy it canned?”

     “Go with the can,” Kyle said, pulling the recipe from her fingers and tossing it back in the stack. He handed her a large can of cranberry sauce and blocked her as she tried to pick the recipe back up. “Seriously, the can stuff tastes better and you have a very small chance of ruining it.”

     “Jerk,” Ali mumbled, pushing the cart away towards the dairy section. “There are a few big clients who need things last minute for showings during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and we’re working down to the wire. I don’t really have the time to get to the airport, fly to Denver, drive to Aspen, and then go in the reverse two days later. It’d be a giant hassle and besides, everyone is coming here for Christmas.”

     “ _If_ you’re lucky,” Kyle said, folding his arms. “Maybe I’ll fly to Tokyo or something.”

     They stood in the checkout aisle, Ali making sure to put things on the conveyer belt as they were best suited to be bagged together, moving the bread and fruit and cold items around until they were all together, much to the annoyance of the people behind her in line. For his part, Kyle stood off to the side reading a copy of OK! magazine and pretending to not check out the guy working aisle four.

     “Oh my _gosh_ ,” he announced as Ali watched the totals add up on the cashier’s screen, “AK, you won’t believe this.”

     “What’s that?” she asked in a drily amused voice.

     “Brad Pitt is sleeping with Jennifer Aniston again,” he said, flourishing the magazine in front of her face while she tried to look around him. “He totally left Angelina so he could bang his ex-wife! Or maybe he was banging her already. Maybe that’s why she left him.”

     “She’s married to that big junk guy from that creepy rapture show,” Ali said, waving her hand back in his face. “She’s not going to go backwards.”

     “Or maybe they’re soulmates and you can’t stand in the way of fate, even if you have a banging body and you’re however many years younger.” Kyle flipped to the next page and scoffed. “Really? That’s all? Come on, that’s just speculation.”

     “Wow Kyle, are you telling me that OK! Magazine isn’t staffed by true investigative journalists?” Ali teased as she swiped her debit card.

     “Okay, Team Angie. Don’t pretend. I know you cried when they announced they were divorcing.”

     “Will you help me put these groceries in the cart and make yourself useful?” Ali asked, unfolding her carrier. “We’ve got to walk six and a half blocks and I don’t want to try to get a cab in rush hour traffic.”

     “I love Christmas just as much as the next person but for God’s sake, it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet,” Kyle said as they walked by a brownstone decked out in lights. “Isn’t it some city law that you can’t celebrate Christmas until Thanksgiving is over?”

     “The millennials are killing Thanksgiving,” Ali said dramatically, pulling her grocery cart over a bump on the sidewalk.

     “These people aren’t millennials, are you kidding me?” Off of Ali’s look, he shrugged. “A millennial couldn’t afford this place.”

     “It is a nice brownstone,” she agreed as they walked by.

     “Nice family place,” Kyle noted, pointing at the kid’s bike chained next to the basement staircase.

     “Oh boy,” Ali groaned. “You’re not going to pull a mom right now, are you?”

     “Two of my friends in L.A. have nieces and I want one too. You don’t even have to get married! Be one of those women who just go and get fertilized and have a baby, like that one movie. You’re a strong, independent bitch who don’t need no man. Or no woman. Or no whoever. You can be a single mom.”

     “That’s exactly what I want to be right now, particularly as I just moved to like, the most expensive city in the U.S.” Ali said, rolling her eyes. “Besides, I’m not ready for a kid. I’m twenty-six. Why don’t _you_ have a kid if you’re so baby crazy?”

     “I’ve decided that I can’t have children until I stop posing half naked on the internet. It’d be weird if we both had baby buttcrack pictures on Instagram.”

     “Fair,” Ali said, chuckling.

     “But are you dating anyone?” he asked, giving her a shoulder nudge. “Or are you still dealing with that one complication?”

     “Now we’re getting down to it,” Ali said while rolling her eyes.

     “It’s just that you haven’t said anything about it in weeks,” he justified.

     “Then you’d take that as an indication that everything is fine,” Ali huffed.

     “Is it fine?”

     Ali walked along for a few more feet, grateful that Kyle read her silence and walked without poking further. She watched as a few cars went by, leaving puffs of exhaust smoke in their wake. She wasn’t exactly sure what to say – she’d been trying to push Ashlyn out of her mind as much as possible, but working with Alex had made it difficult. Still, as Christen had pointed out rather sternly, her agreement to that was fishy.

     “It’s … complicated,” Ali admitted, looking over at him.

     “How so?” he asked. “Have you seen her since that dinner?”

     “Yeah,” Ali answered uneasily. “You see, I sort of agreed to work on a project for her girlfriend and I’m basically at their apartment every other day.”

     Kyle’s eyes went wide. “Wait, what?”

     “It’s not a big deal –“

     “ _Not a big deal_?!” He thundered, stopping in the middle of the walk.

     Ali sighed, then turned back to face him, grateful that no one had been walking right behind them. He stood with his arms folded, facing her with a haughty look on his face.

     “AK …”

     “Look,” Ali said, folding her own arms, “It’s not a big deal. Alex is the lead in some play at NYU, my company is going to advertise for it. I got a new client and they got publicity. It’s business.”

     “Business that means you get to hang out with them while they’re being domestic and cutesy.” Ali shrugged and Kyle shook his head. “Ali, why?”

     “I don’t _know_!” Ali exploded, throwing her hands in the air. “I don’t _know_ why I agreed and I don’t _know_ why I even was on a texting basis with Alex in the first place. I don’t _know_ why I agreed to have dinner with Ashlyn and I don’t _know_ why I went to her birthday. I don’t _know_ why I didn’t stop talking to her after she kissed me. There’s your answer, Kyle. I don’t fucking know!”

     Ali wrenched the handle on her grocery cart and began walking again, not stopping until she tried to lug it up the front steps of her building, only giving in to Kyle’s help once he lifted the other side. They rode up the elevator to her floor in silence, Ali fighting tears the whole time. It’d been the first time she’d said a lot of those things out loud, even admitted them to herself. She felt like she kept doing things that seemed strange but always tried some lame excuse to explain them away. Only now did she see the reality of it.

     She didn’t know why she kept finding reasons to hang out with Ashlyn or around her. She didn’t know why she kept purposefully putting herself in a position to run into her. She’d spent so long pretending that she didn’t exist that it seemed that her brain was trying to ensure that she’d never be able to do that again. But Ali didn’t know why; sure, there were weird, lingering feelings there, but of course there would be. They’d dated intensely, broken up intensely; it was bound to leave residual feelings.

     As she put away the groceries, busying herself in the tasks at hand, she allowed her mind to drift to other things, focusing on work and her itinerary for the next few days before Thanksgiving week started. There was plenty to do, plenty to keep herself busy. She would simply start to modify her schedule until Ashlyn wasn’t around as much, or there were little reasons for them to interact. It was as simple as that.

     Ali was ready to put the topic to bed until she sat down opposite Kyle at her small dining room table, and he was looking at her with soft, kind eyes. It took her a second to remember, and when she did, she had to bite her lip to keep it from trembling.

     “Can’t we just … I don’t know, call it curiosity or something?” she asked, picking at her cuticle.

     Kyle waited in silence, something very much out of character for him. Ali knew the seriousness he felt as he watched her question.

     “I’m just _curious_ ,” Ali said, looking down as she started to slide her nail along a line in the table. “I want to know about her life. I want to know what she does and who she does it with. I want to know what she likes now. I want to know … I want to know she’s happy.”

     “Do you want to be _why_ she’s happy?” Kyle asked softly.

     “She has a girlfriend,” Ali whispered.

     “That’s not a no,” Kyle said slowly.

     Ali sniffed, running her sleeve under her nose. Then she rose, pushing her chair back and standing before walking over to the countertop by the sink. She reached into the cabinet there, pulling out a large wine glass and then opened the drawer at her hip to pull the bottle opener out. She went over to the wine rack under the kitchen island, selected a bottle of merlot, and walked back over to the table.

     As she opened the bottle and poured herself a healthy glass, she gathered her wits about her. It just wouldn’t do to unravel over things that couldn’t change. It didn’t matter that she was starting to question her own actions. It didn’t matter that she wanted to know things and that she was curious. Their lives had gone in different directions and that was that. She’d simply have to adapt and be okay with it.

     After taking the first sip, she placed her glass down and looked at Kyle again, finally, seeing worry and sympathy on his face. She smiled softly at him before reaching over and patting his hand. They sat in silence as Ali drank her glass, only speaking when Ali suggested watching that new Angelina Jolie movie on Netflix.

* * *

**Grim Reaper:** u fuckin killed it tonight dude. new one rep max on the shoulder press, increase on deadlift and faster mile. w2g!!!

     Ashlyn smiled down at her trainer’s text as she swiped through notifications, watching as they loaded on her screen while her phone continued to power up. She hopped up the steps, feeling the burning in her legs as she did. She’d pushed extra hard at the gym, felt great, and was ready for a long hot shower before whipping up a quick dinner. Alex had told her earlier in the day that she’d be at school late, so that meant Ashlyn had control of the Netflix queue – it was bound to be a good evening.

     As she pushed her key in to unlock the door, she began to peel up the bottom of her long-sleeved shirt, feeling the blowing heat in the building. It was a sticky, gross feeling and she could already feel the cool water of the shower on her back. She pulled the shirt over her head, leaving her in her sports bra and spandex workout pants as she walked through the front door. At last, a quiet evening alone.

     Except, she wasn’t quite as alone as she expected to be. When she came through the door, tossing her sweat soaked shirt in the direction of the laundry room, she heard the TV on in the living room. She started to walk through the loft, peering around the spaces as she set her keys, phone, and water bottle on the table.

     “’Lex?” she called out hesitantly before rounding the corner into the living room. “Oh, hi.”

     “Hi,” Ali said, waving at her sheepishly from the floor. She put down a stack of glossy, printed papers next to a half empty wine glass and stood with a stretch. “I’m guessing Alex didn’t tell you we were going to be here.”

     “Nope,” Ashlyn said, growing self-conscious over her state of undress and awkwardly crossing her arms over her chest. “She said she’d be at school late.”

     “Yeah, I think that was the plan but I was already in Brooklyn so she said to just come here.”

     Ashlyn’s eyes went wide. “Wait, she isn’t here?”

     “Who isn’t here? Hey baby,” said Alex as she walked out of their bedroom, tying her hair up in a messy ponytail. She crossed over to Ashlyn with a smile on her face. “Ooh, giving us a strip show, huh?”

     “Wasn’t expecting anyone to be here,” Ashlyn said humorlessly, looking Alex in the eyes. “You didn’t send me a message.”

     “Didn’t think I needed to tell you I’d be in my own apartment,” Alex said, raising her eyebrow. “Is it a problem that we’re here?”

     “No, I just …” Ashlyn looked over at Ali who was trying very hard to stay focused on a booklet on the floor. “Can we talk in the bedroom?”

     “Sure thing, grumpy pants,” Alex said, then looked over at Ali. “Sorry, the gremlin gets mad when I don’t feed her.”

     “Good to see you, Ali,” Ashlyn said tonelessly as she led Alex into the room by the small of her back.

     “What’s your deal?” Alex asked once the door closed behind her. “Why are you pissed?”

     “I’m not _pissed_ ,” Ashlyn replied, stopping in the room with her hands on her hips. “I just kind of wanted to come home and not have to entertain people.”

     “It’s not people, it’s Ali. And you don’t have to entertain anyone, Ash. It’s work.” Alex folded her arms across her chest and frowned at Ashlyn. “What’s going on?”

     “Nothing,” Ashlyn said, running her hand through her sweaty hair. “It’s just … Nothing, it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m going to shower, okay?”

     “Baby,” Alex started, getting in Ashlyn’s way before she walked into the connected bathroom. “What’s going on?”

     Ashlyn looked down into her eyes, saw the concern etched on her face and she could hardly stand it. How was she supposed to tell her that it was because Ashlyn knew she shouldn’t be around her? There were so many things that Alex didn’t know, and those things were all of the reasons that Ashlyn was so put out. How did she explain that she didn’t want Ali at their apartment without telling her that she’d lied?

     She’d foolishly convinced herself that she had control of everything, that she’d let it all go and it wouldn’t bother her anymore. However, it seemed that every time Ashlyn ran into Ali, which was happening more often than not, something clicked inside of her that sent her into a mood. The last time they’d seen each other, Ashlyn had barely said two words before taking off to go to her studio. Surely, it was noticeable.

     Ashlyn kissed Alex’s forehead, smoothing down her hair and wrapping her arms around her. “Nothing, baby. I’m sorry. I’m just tired from working out, that’s all.”

     “And stinky from working out,” Alex said, pushing away from her with a scrunched nose. She grinned and kissed Ashlyn’s cheek. “I’ll make you some dinner, okay?”

     “Thanks babe,” Ashlyn said, giving her a smile and letting her walk out of the room.

     As she stood in the shower, Ashlyn rested her head against the wall, letting the hot water relax her muscles. She thought about how lucky she was to have Alex, how kind and understanding she was, even when Ashlyn seemed to have mood changes without notice. There wasn’t a single feeling of “settling” when she thought about Alex, and she was nothing short of grateful to have her.

     Still, she wondered as she turned the water off, how long was she going to have to repeat that to herself until she fully believed it again?

* * *

        Ali checked her phone for the drink that had been requested as she walked up to the bartender. “Uh, can I get one mojito and a draft Allegash, please?”

     “Coming right up,” the bartender said, reaching for two glasses.

     Ali found two barstools towards the back of the bar, quiet enough for the two of them to have a conversation. She wasn’t exactly sure what to expect, but when she’d gotten the text from her asking to meet up, she wasn’t able to say anything but yes.

     “Open or closed?” the bartender asked as he placed the drinks in front of her on coasters.

     “Um,” Ali thought, feeling her nervousness at the pending meeting. “Better leave it open,” she answered, handing over a credit card. At the very least, she’d be able to have a few for liquid courage.

     It only took two more minutes until Kelley arrived. Ali motioned at her and sat up straighter on her stool as Kelley walked up, taking off her coat.

     “Heya Al,” she said, moving one of the barstools to sit down. “Thanks for this.” She brought her beer closer, taking a smell of the bubbles.

     “No problem,” Ali replied, taking a drink. She stirred the straw, watching the muddled mint leaves swirl around the glass. She waited; waited for Kelley to say something first, waited for an asteroid to hit. She wasn’t very picky.

     “So,” Kelley said, turning to her.

     “So,” Ali said questioningly.

     Kelley took a deep breath. “I need you to know that I know this is really unfair.”

     Ali’s stomach sank. “What’s unfair?”

     “What I’m about to ask of you.”

     Ali took a longer drink and then put it down before turning fully to her. “Out with it.”

     “I’m pinning it on you.”

     “You’re pinning what on me?”

     “The responsibility to keep this from happening.”

     Ali blinked slowly but her eyes never left Kelley’s; the brunette broke first, looking back down to the bar as she dove for her beer. Ali waited as she took a drink and then looked back up.

     “Keep _what_ from happening,” Ali asked, even though it wasn’t a question. She already knew what Kelley was going to say.

     Kelley started to fidget with the small, square napkin next to her, tearing small bits of it off piece by piece, watching it with rapt attention. “I don’t want to assume what life was like after Ash left Denver. I mean, I can’t imagine you were happy about it or anything, but she had a shit fuckin’ time. It wasn’t just about you either. She was poor and she wasn’t getting a chance to show very often, even though Mac had told her she would. It was just … she got to a really dark place, you know.”

     “Kelley … I don’t understand.”

     “I’m just saying, it took her a lot. It took a _lot_ for her to let Alex in. They fooled around for a while before Ashlyn finally let herself open up. And she didn’t regret it once she did.”

     Ali’s chest tightened. She didn’t want to be sitting there, didn’t want to listen to how Ashlyn and Alex had ‘fooled around’. She didn’t want to be responsible.

     “I’m just … she’s my best friend. And I know that look in her eye. She’s always had it when it comes to you.” Kelley looked up at Ali, letting the napkin fall down to the bar. “I’m not saying it’s easy for you, and I don’t know what’s going through your mind, but I’m pinning it on you – don’t let her fall back in love with you.”

     Ali took a long, deep breath before letting it out. She kept her eyes on Kelley, watched as her eyebrows knitted together in sadness. Ali understood what it cost her to “betray” Ashlyn’s confidence, to come to Ali so baldly and ask something like this of her. Ali knew that Kelley wouldn’t be there unless her fear was real, unless she was really asking.

     And though Ali knew in her heart that she wouldn’t be able to control that – nor would she even if she could – she nodded. “I understand. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quicker update! I'm trying to finish this thing some time this century.


	35. my god this reminds me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex goes away for Thanksgiving; things with Ali and Ashlyn come to a head.

     “Fifty dollars a month for valet fuckin’ trash. These motherfuckers act like it’s some great fuckin’ thing and they give you this trash bin that a Barbie doll would fill up in an hour!”

     Felix grumbled his entire way down the hall as he dragged the bag of trash behind him. He refused to look back at his apartment – the tall, black trashcan was set against his door as it was mandated each night before 8:30. Also mandated, there was just one bag inside of it, tied neatly so the lid could close. The building was strict on this – one bag only, no extras or there was a fee per bag.

     Of course, Felix had experimented for dinner that night and the food scraps combined with the debris that needed to be emptied from the fridge prior to the placement of all of his new groceries was more than the small can could contain. It was then that Felix stuffed the remainder of the trash into a flex Hefty bag and began his trip down the hall to the trash vent.

     He grumbled the entire way, the sounds mixing in with the laughter of children from below and the shouts coming from three doors away. He wondered idly if he’d ever notice if someone were being murdered in the building. After living his entire life in Brooklyn, growing up and growing old amidst the sounds of life from all of his, surely by now, hundreds of neighbors, very few things grabbed his attention.

     Still, it would’ve been impossible for him to miss the door flinging open next to the end of the hallway, just ahead of the swinging door that lead over to the trash chute. Even if he had, the yelling and screaming had spilled out into the narrow hallway, cacophony bouncing against the stark grey walls and crown molded ceilings. He faltered for a second, craning his neck to see if perhaps the door would close again when a short haired woman came flying through the hallway, all the while shouting behind her.

     “You never fucking changed!” The woman shouted, and Felix wondered who the intended recipient of her ire was, before a beautiful brunette appeared at the door, red in the face, neck and chest visible beyond the vee of her white t-shirt. Beautiful though she was, the fury on her face was anything but.

     “Oh, and you’re supposedly grown up by now?” The woman shouted at the other’s retreating back. Felix shuffled against the wall to avoid being trampled as she went by.

     “You know what, Ali?” The taller woman whipped around, and Felix didn’t even try to avert his eyes, goggling instead at the display, his trash bag laying forgotten at his feet.

     “What?” Felix looked at the other end of the hall as though spectating a tennis match.

     “This time, when you decide too late that you’ve missed me, don’t blame that shit on me. I fucking tried, again. I fucking said something, again.” _Damn_ , Felix thought.

     “Goodbye, Ashlyn,” Ali said fiercely, slamming the door behind her, but Felix was already watching Ashlyn round the end of the corner and heard her sneakers squeaking against the stairs as she descended.

     “Guess I can skip out on paying for the fight on pay-per-view,” Felix muttered to himself before reaching down to collect his bag once more.

* * *

     “But why do you have to go?” Ashlyn pouted, rolling over onto her stomach to watch Alex as she began to throw different sweaters into her open suitcase.

     “Because,” she said as she walked into the closet, “my mother threatened to withhold Christmas and birthday presents for a decade if I didn’t come to see my great grandmother.” She appeared in the doorway holding up a navy blue striped cable knit dress. “Thoughts? With the knee high brown boots?”

     Ashlyn nodded and indicated for Alex to put it in the packing pile. “But who’s gonna make sure I get proper nutrition?” She grinned playfully up at her girlfriend. “And who’s gonna rub my tummy when I inevitably skip good food and get stuffed instead on pizza and wings?”

     Alex rolled her eyes while she knelt next to her carry on, starting to arrange all of her clothing. “It sounds like you’re going to have to suffer,” she said with mock sadness. “I’ll keep you in my thoughts while I eat mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and turkey in the California sun.”

     “Jerk,” Ashlyn muttered, reaching back to grab a pillow to toss at her. “It’s going to be a windy Thanksgiving. Maybe the Spongebob float will fly off again on Thursday morning.”

     “Aww,” Alex said, zipping up a section of socks and underwear, “you should take Kelley to the Macy’s parade. She’d like that.”

     “Maybe,” Ashlyn replied, her mind wandering instead to an image of Ali laughing while watching the baton twirlers and high school bands march by.

     “Or,” Alex trailed off, climbing up on her knees and leaning forward onto the edge of the bed, “you could come with me?”

     “That’s a thought.” Ashlyn let the silence roll by until she looked up to see Alex still watching her expectantly. “’Lex,” she sighed, but was cut off.

     “It won’t be weird, I promise,” Alex said, reaching forward to grab Ashlyn’s hand. “I know that you’re not big on family stuff but I’d really like for them to meet you.” When Ashlyn began to protest, Alex continued. “I mean, it’s not gonna be like we’re going to California all of the time, or they’re going to come here. I just think that with how good things are going with us, we can do some family mixing. I feel like we’re … you and I are family, right?” On Ashlyn’s nod, Alex asked, “What do you think?”

     Ashlyn searched her face, guilt twinging as she took in Alex’s hopeful smile. She looked so happy, so expectant that Ashlyn could hardly bear to disappoint her; she couldn’t even find a good reason why she shouldn’t say yes. It was true that in each of their prior conversations about the topic of family visits, Ashlyn had remained firmly on the side of waiting until more time had passed, but her reasons were becoming thinner and thinner with each use.

     It wasn’t that she was ashamed of Alex – she was a bright, sweet girl with a lot of talent for acting and performance. She brought out the best parts of Ashlyn, particularly when she didn’t know if there were any good parts left. Alex was amazing, and she did feel lucky to be with her … but there was still the bitter memory of meeting Ali’s parents that always lingered in the back of her mind when she brought up family things.

     Before Ali had come back into her life, it was one thing to think about, but now that she knew that her ex-girlfriend was just a few train stops away, it was a whole new issue. _Yet another thing simplified if I’d just told the truth_ , Ashlyn thought to herself, watching Alex’s smile begin to fade. She was only slightly annoyed by how many times that idea popped into her head recently, and she was having to work harder to ignore it.

     Perhaps it was time to give it up; it wasn’t Alex’s fault that she’d been young and stupid back in college. It wasn’t Alex’s fault that Ali’s parents had never warmed to her. It most certainly wasn’t Alex’s fault that Ashlyn never felt ready to tell her the truth about her serious relationship with Ali back in Denver. It was time to stop punishing her for things that she couldn’t control without any sort of explanation. The best way to move on, Ashlyn reasoned with herself as she smiled back at Alex, was to just get on with it.

     “Christmas,” Ashlyn said, reaching forward and kissing her on the forehead. “Let’s plan on having them for Christmas.”

     Alex’s eyes lit up. “Really? I mean, it’s not like an ultimatum or anything. I’m just … you know, it’s just a suggestion.”

     “No, I know,” Ashlyn said. “I want to meet your family. I want to meet everyone. Let’s invite the whole family for Christmas.” She laughed as Alex leapt forward to wrap her arms around Ashlyn. “And if that doesn’t work,” she said through chuckles, “then we’ll plan on going there. God knows a break out on the beach would be nice versus the typical snow and cold.”

     “Babe, you’re the best,” Alex said, crawling onto Ashlyn’s chest as she rolled onto her back. “I love you so much.”

     “I love you,” Ashlyn murmured, kissing her.

     Alex continued to pack, rattling on about plans for Christmas in either New York or California, the things they could do with her sisters and her parents, and asking what Ashlyn thought about maybe going to Florida for a week or two next summer. Ashlyn listened and chimed in when expected, even tossing out a few ideas when asked. If she were honest with herself, there was a nice bloom of optimism and happiness when thinking about building their future together, and the idea of moving forward was rather exciting.

     However, in the same vein of honesty, Ashlyn couldn’t deny the excitement she also had at the idea of Alex being out of the city, providing the opportunity for one on one time with Ali. The feeling of curiosity since running into her again had grown sufficiently into something that Ashlyn was wondering how much she could control.

* * *

**KK:** that’s so stupidly cryptic tho. like, its on you? how are you supposed to be in charge of that?

**Ali:** I know, but I have to respect it, don’t you think? It mustve been hard for Kelley to say that so I have to listen to her, don’t I?

     But Ali frowned as she sent the text to her brother, wondering still if it were true. Kelley’s last words were still ringing in her ears; the earnest look on her face that she gave Ali before going her separate way as they left the bar seemingly haunting every moment Ali lost focus on whatever she was doing. It’d been a few days before she told Kyle about it, unsure herself of how to react. It wasn’t until she found herself desperate for another opinion that she shot her brother a short good morning text followed by three paragraphs of story.

     Christen was no longer an option; Ali had mentioned in passing the fact that she’d hung out one on one with Ashlyn, innocuously, and was immediately asked if Alex had been there as well. It was clear from Christen’s tone that she wasn’t on the ancient history train, and it wasn’t something she wanted to get into. In fact, she hadn’t even been interested when Ali told her about Kelley’s reappearance in her life. Christen had commented that she hoped Kelley was happy with her life and had excused herself for practice.

     Ali wondered briefly if that ought to be her stance as well; leave history to history. It was enough to remark on the initial thrill and excitement of running into Ashlyn again, but to continue to try and rewrite what had already happened would surely only derail Ali from the path she was trying to pave. In the history of the world, very few things had been solved by living in the past; perhaps it was time to accept that and move on.

      **KK:** I mean, im with her in that you don’t need to be in no l word drama with your ex but its shitty that its supposedly your responsibility to prevent it. Why cant she have that talk with ash?

     That was a good question, one that Ali had wondered herself. She was going to ask Kelley herself, but she didn’t want it to seem like she wasn’t taking it seriously. Kelley could’ve gone to Ashlyn but hadn’t – instead, she’d gone out of her way to schedule a secretive meeting with Ali and then had said …

     What did that mean from the other side? Was the reason she couldn’t have that talk with Ashlyn due to the fact that her ex-girlfriend had intimated a desire to see where things could go should they pick them back up? If that were true, then how was Ali supposed to feel about it? There’d been something growing between them since they’d ran into each other at that party; something that Ali knew she shouldn’t pay attention to, but it was like trying to stop a waterfall. If Ashlyn still had feelings for her, feelings that Kelley was concerned enough to …

     But it hadn’t just been feelings. Kelley had said she knew Ashlyn would fall back in love with Ali. This was far beyond sleeping with your ex to get it out of your system. Ali leaned back against her couch, rubbing her toes together in their wool socks, thinking as she watched the cursor blink on her reply to Kyle.

**Ali:** Id be lying if I didn’t say I was intrigued …

     “Intrigued” was nearly too tame of a word; the idea sent butterflies rushing into her stomach – thinking of kissing Ashlyn again, running her fingers through her short brown hair, tracing the lines of all of her new tattoos, licking the divot of her hips she’d seen that night at the restaurant. Ashlyn was just as gorgeous as she’d been back in Boulder, but only more so now that she’d matured and grown into her mid-twenties. She was more confident, surer of herself; she had thick calloused palms and fingertips from working on her art and Ali closed her eyes as she imagined the sensation of those rough patches against her soft, slick skin.

**KK:** whoa girl. you need to get control of ur hoo ha before it lands you in trouble.

     Ali flushed slightly, feeling guilt creep into her chest. Kyle was right – not only was cheating something that Ali had always disgusted, she actually wanted to be friends with Alex. Yes, she knew that part of her envied the fact that she was the one holding Ashlyn at night and kissing her good morning, but it didn’t change the fact that she didn’t know any better. In fact, it was nearly worse because she had no idea at all that there was even the possibility of these feelings between the two of them.

_That’s not my fault though,_ Ali tried to reason with herself, thinking of Ashlyn’s lie. Ashlyn was the one who’d elected to keep their history from her girlfriend. Had she known from the start, Ali was sure that Alex wouldn’t have wanted to work with Ali and wouldn’t have encouraged their friendship. If Ali was starting to feel things because of their proximity, it was natural. But the extra guilt from being friends with Alex was separate and not entirely intentional.

**KK:** dont be that girl. dont be the reason someone cant ever trust again

     The guilt settled more firmly within her; she could rationalize all she wanted, but it didn’t change the core fact: Ashlyn wasn’t hers to have. She could daydream, she could fantasize, but it had to stop there. If something changed and Ashlyn no longer wanted to be with Alex, that would be different, but Ali couldn’t be the cause of that decision. She couldn’t influence her, couldn’t entice her into it.

     Besides, who was to say it was something legitimate that Ali was feeling? She chewed on the edge of her thumbnail as she considered. Perhaps it was just the idea of history, the romanticism of reconnecting with a long lost love. Did the idea of fate play into the cliché and fabricate some feelings of love or lust? Ali had moved on with her life when Ashlyn left. She’d been sad, but she’d continued on, hadn’t she? She’d kept going and made her life into what it was – she didn’t sit around waiting for Ashlyn to come back into her life. The time for these feelings had passed.

**Ali:** I know, I know. I wont do anything, I promise. Its probably just bc of the history you know? Like its not like I know who she is now or anything

**KK:** probably. Sign up for tinder. I bet u just need to get laid lol

     Ali rolled her eyes and put her phone down, standing with a stretch before walking to the kitchen. She busied herself by cleaning and putting away her few dirty dishes, deciding that two glasses, a plate and a few pieces of silverware weren’t enough to run the dishwasher. Perhaps the feelings she thought were growing for Ashlyn were actually, somewhat, in line with what Kyle said. Maybe she wasn’t putting herself out there enough. She hadn’t had a meaningful relationship since college, she forced herself to stop from thinking “since Ashlyn”, and maybe she was just lonely.

_Alex is nice_ , Ali thought, wiping one of her dinner plates before stacking it in the cabinet and closing the door. She wanted Ashlyn to be happy – that much was very true. She’d maintained that from the first night they’d run into each other. As annoying as it was to keep having these feelings vacillating between platonic and … something more, she knew that she had always wanted Ashlyn to be happy. If she was happy now, it was best to just leave well enough alone.

     She sat down and picked up her remote, her thoughts moving on to which place she was most likely to order from Uber Eats when she heard her phone vibrate. She figured Kyle did some internet research on NYC singles and half expected to open her text to see a cute picture of some guy or girl but saw Ashlyn’s name instead.

**Ashlyn:** Hey, Lex left some stuff here that she wanted to give you for some meeting I think you’re having tomorrow? In any case, I was wondering if I could stop by in a little bit to give it to you if that’s ok.

     Ali’s thumb hovered over the home button, debating a few times on whether or not it was a good idea to have Ashlyn in her apartment. Ali was confused herself, but the last thing she needed was Ashlyn here while Alex was out of town for the week and …

**Ali:** sure, no problem. I’ll send you a pin for my address. Just text me when youre on your way

     Although, Ali thought, chewing on her cheek as she absently scrolled through her Netflix queue, maybe it was important to have normalcy if they were going to be friends. Besides, if she couldn’t trust herself, or Ashlyn, then what hope did they have?

* * *

     Ashlyn made her way up to the fourth floor of the building, annoyed at the walk-up and cursing the sign on the elevator announcing it was down for maintenance. She’d made the “healthy” choice and had elected to walk from a further stop rather than take an Uber, and she was cursing herself by the time she got to Ali’s floor. _Being fit is overrated_ , she thought, huffing and puffing as she made her way down the hall, checking the numbers for apartment 46.

     A cutesy welcome mat bearing the phrase “Hello Gorgeous!” left very little question in Ashlyn’s head whether or not she had the right place. She smirked as she shook her head and knocked three times. She listened close and soon heard approaching footsteps, confused by the sudden increase in her heartbeat and nervously squeezing palms.

     “Hi,” Ali said, opening the door with a large smile. “Come in.”

     “Your elevator is out,” Ashlyn said in a playfully grumpy voice. “I’m going to call the fire department to come with one of those big trampoline things for me when it’s time to go.”

     “Going down is easier,” Ali said, leading the way into the living room.

     “That’s what she said,” Ashlyn cracked and she heard Ali chuckle.

     “Water? Beer? Sherpa?” Ali asked as she turned into the kitchen, leaving Ashlyn to walk into the living room.

     “Wouldn’t say no to a beer,” Ashlyn called, taking the binder she’d brought with her and leaving it on the coffee table. “What do you have?”

     “Uhhh,” Ali replied, and Ashlyn heard the clinking of class and clatter of different containers and imagined Ali rummaging through her fridge. “I’ve got some craft IPAs, some Michelob Ultra and I do have a bottle of Rose that I can’t imagine you’d want.”

     “Yuck, Michelob Ultra? What’s wrong with you?” Ashlyn crinkled her nose. She walked over to Ali’s bookshelf which seemed to be splitting its time between holding books and showcasing different odds and ends and trinkets. “One of the IPAs would be great, thanks.”

     The sound of bottles hissing open came from the background as Ashlyn looked up and down the shelves. There were pictures from what she assumed were Ali’s years in DC, a group picture from Germany in front of some castle in which … _yep_ , Ashlyn rolled her eyes, Knox and Ali were standing next to one another. It was funny, in a way. There had been a time in which she would’ve felt compelled to throw that frame across the room and yet now, she was standing in Ali’s apartment, had a new girlfriend, and so much time had passed. She kept going.

     A picture of Ali and Christen together on the soccer field back at UC Boulder. Ashlyn grinned as she thought back to that time, thought about going to Ali’s practices a few times and sitting on the side of the field, playfully cat-calling with Kelley. Ashlyn had thought that Ali hadn’t changed but as she studied the picture, she realized that Ali had changed in the last few years – her face had thinned out, losing some of the youth and gaining more of a chiseled look. She wore more makeup now, for work of course, but it suited her. Her hair was shorter, only dropping a little below her shoulders. Ali had changed, but it was all in good ways.

     She kept along, skimming through Ali’s books and other trinkets until she saw something pink peeking out from behind a little glass figurine. She reached back for it and knew was it was before she pulled it out: the ipod that she’d gotten for Ali when she’d gone away for that weekend in Tucson. Ashlyn ran her fingers over it: there weren’t any headphones attached, and she doubted that it was charged, but still. It was there. Ashlyn saw a small plastic bag, like the type that holds handmade jewelry in the corner, but when she reached for it, Ali spoke from behind her.

     “I uh, still need to put away some stuff,” she said, handing Ashlyn her beer. “I left most of my memory boxes at my parents’ place in storage but found that guy in one of my boxes.”

     “You should use it,” Ashlyn said, putting it back on the shelf next to the plastic bag and taking a drink of her beer. She pulled the other item out. “What’s this?”

     “Oh, that? That’s um,” Ali watched as Ashlyn opened the baggie and pulled out the Colorado state flag guitar pick. As Ashlyn turned it over in her hand, Ali smiled slightly. “I meant to give it to you for your birthday.”

     “Why didn’t you?” Ashlyn asked quietly, placing it back in the bag and closing it.

     Ali shrugged though Ashlyn still had her back to her. “You kept the band thing a secret. I figured you didn’t want to be reminded. I didn’t know if you even still played.”

     “Sometimes,” Ashlyn said, taking another drink and walking to another part of the shelves. “I keep a guitar in the apartment but for the most part, it collects dust. I don’t like playing in front of people anymore.”

     “Why not?” Ali asked, choosing to not follow her progress around the room and instead retreating for the couch.

     Ashlyn shrugged and kept going. She knew why she didn’t play anymore – it reminded her too heavily of Colorado. As she’d processed all of her feelings about being expelled and leaving Colorado the way she did, of losing Ali the way she had, Ashlyn had focused all of those feelings into playing guitar. She wasn’t sure why, but it became sort of the talisman for all of that hurt and shame. To play reminded her of all of the things she’d worked so hard to put behind her.

     Still, knowing Ali had gotten her something so obviously representative of their time together, it struck a chord somewhere in Ashlyn’s heart. She thought that perhaps Ali had forgotten it all by choice and that she didn’t want to live in the past but here she was in her apartment, looking at mementos from Boulder, mementos from their relationship. Ashlyn took another drink, feeling a buzzing in her arms and legs that had nothing to do with the beer and instead everything to do with the woman sitting across the room from her, studying the label on her bottle.

     “It’s a great place,” Ashlyn said, leaning against an oversized armchair close to the big bay window. She motioned around her with her hand, “I bet you get great light in here during the day.”

     “Mmm,” Ali nodded in agreement through a drink. “It’s actually what settled me on this place. Top floor, corner. I bet it’s going to be wonderful in the spring when all of the trees outside start to bloom.”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn said, mind still racing over her thoughts from before.

     The two of them nursed their beers in silence, and Ashlyn was only distantly wondering if Ali was thinking the same things. After a few months of back and forth, of quieting her thoughts and training her brain to move on, it was as though something had snapped loose. Ali wasn’t over it. At least, she wasn’t keen on pretending that nothing had ever happened. Perhaps Ashlyn had been too hasty in her decision to lock it all away. Perhaps … she’d been too hasty in her decision to move on.

     “Ali,” Ashlyn started, pausing when the brunette didn’t look up from her staring contest with her coffee table book. “Ali,” she said again, finally catching her attention.

     “Yeah?” Ali’s voice was smaller, quieter. There was a heavy charge to the room; a spark could light a fire, Ashlyn could feel it. Something was building, something was finally free.

     “When … when you left for Germany, when I left …” Ashlyn trailed off, adrenaline beginning to seep through her veins. She felt herself tremble slightly with anticipation. “How long did you … I mean, did you think of me?”

     “Think of you,” Ali repeated back to her, the question flat in her voice. She knew what Ashlyn was asking; her stall was obvious.

     “Did you miss me? Did you … did you still want me?”

     Ali bit her lip before she looked up at Ashlyn and when she did, she had to fight the urge to cross the room. It suddenly didn’t matter, all of the questions in the world could wait because things were finally coming back together. The thoughts racing through her head about the last four years and the girlfriend across the country, they were background noise to the ache in her heart that she believed to have mended, but simply had quieted down.

     “Ashlyn,” Ali started, shaking her head. “We shouldn’t … I don’t think this is a good idea.”

     “I just want to know,” Ashlyn said, moving towards her, frowning when Ali scooted back onto the couch further. “There’s so much that I don’t know. I just sort of ignored it all because I didn’t think I’d ever get to ask.”

     “That was a long time ago,” Ali said slowly. “It was fucked up but Ash, that was almost five years ago. It’s time to let it go.”

     Ashlyn scoffed. “’Let it go’,” she took a long drink and put the bottle down on the table before running a hand through her hair. “Do you have any idea what happened after you left?”

     “No,” Ali said quietly, looking back down at her bottle and beginning to peel at the label. “But you don’t know what happened to me either.”

     “Not because I didn’t want to know,” Ashlyn replied, stern. “You disappeared on me. You left and removed me from everything.”

     “You still had my number,” Ali said, raising her eyebrows. “You still knew I’d be back in Boulder in December. You knew how to find me.”

     “You made it clear you didn’t want to be found.”

     “And you made it clear you didn’t want to look.”

     Silence dragged on, punctuated only by the sounds of the city alive outside the windows. Ashlyn folded her arms across her chest, adrenaline surging faster now, mixed in with anger and a little lust at the way Ali’s chest looked against the plain white of her t-shirt, the curve of her neck and _I shouldn’t be looking at you this way_.

     Ashlyn sat down in the armchair, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees as she stared at the floor. Something in her screamed that she should leave, she should go back home before things started rolling in a way she couldn’t stop. The past was in the past and there was no sense in dredging up old wounds. She had Alex … Alex who was in California, who expected Ashlyn to be sitting at home, missing her and thinking only of her. The thought had guilt hot in her mouth and she knew she should leave but instead, when she looked up, Ali was looking at her and she couldn’t move.

     “Why did you sleep with Knox?”

     Ali took a deep breath, chewed on the first response that came to mind and Ashlyn could see her trying to choose her words carefully. “I saw you with that slutty bartender.”

     “Reagan?” Ashlyn asked. “She kissed me. I didn’t do anything with her. I told her to get lost. I was expecting you that night.”

     “You were expecting me and yet you kissed another girl?”

     “I told you, she kissed me.”

     “Whatever, fuck it. It doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

     “Well it sure as fuck matters if that’s why you jumped on the first dick you could find.”

     “I’m not fucking doing this with you,” Ali spat, standing up. “I’m not letting you sit here and insult me in my own apartment, especially not about something that happened five fucking years ago. It’s time to move. On.”

     “That was always your solution though, wasn’t it?” Ashlyn felt herself stand back up, felt the anger and hurt ball her fists up against her thighs. “You were always ready to move on. I was just something else to move on from.”

     “Stop it, Ashlyn,” Ali said, nearly shouting. “You’ve got a fucking girlfriend. What the fuck are you doing standing here yelling at me in my apartment about a relationship that _you_ pretend never fucking happened?”

     “I had to!” Ashlyn yelled. “I had to pretend you and I never happened. Do you have any fucking _clue_ how miserable I was after you left? After I had to leave? Do you know that I had fucking _nothing_ then? Not a God damned thing left and you were _gone_. I … I loved you.” Ashlyn bit her lip, angry that her voice had cracked over her last words. _Don’t you dare fucking cry_.

     Ali’s face contorted, and Ashlyn’s stomach dropped remembering the times she’d seen it before. She knew the stubbornness, the downright denial that this woman could give in the face of what was real. Naturally, Ali didn’t disappoint. “Past tense,” she said, her teeth almost clenched. “Different time, different life. We’ve both moved on.”

_I can’t do this again_ , Ashlyn thought and suddenly she was moving towards the door. “Same old shit,” Ashlyn said, not bothering to turn around. “I don’t know why I expected anything different.”

     “How dare you,” Ali shouted and Ashlyn knew she was walking after her. “You show up and start doing this whole thing about going into the past after pretending I didn’t exist and you have the guts to tell me that I’m giving you the same old shit. You’re fucking ridiculous!”

     Ashlyn wrenched the door open and started down the hall, passing one of Ali’s neighbors who was gawping with his mouth half open. “You never fucking changed!”

     “Oh, and you’re supposedly grown up by now?”

     Ashlyn rounded the corner and paused at the stairs to shout back, not caring any longer who heard what and who said what, only wishing to silence the monster beginning to scream inside of her chest. “You know what Ali? This time, when you decide too late that you’ve missed me, don’t blame that shit on me. I fucking tried, again. I fucking said something, again.”

     She heard Ali say something else, but it didn’t matter. Ashlyn began to run down the steps, heart racing, chest heaving, and she felt the stinging in her eyes that matched the howling inside of her. God, it had all been contained. What happened? Why did she go to Ali’s apartment? Why did she look at her shelves? Why did she even ask? Why?

     Ashlyn pushed open the front door and clambered down the stoop onto the street, the cold November air piercing through her in a cleansing way. She bent over next to one of the trees on the street, catching her breath and steadying herself. Outside, the city was quieting down for sleep, the only sounds distant police sirens and the occasional barking dog. It was such a stark difference from the screaming argument that had just happened inside the building behind her.

     She turned around and looked up at the corner apartment on the top floor, saw the lights still on and hated that she wondered what Ali was doing. Was she pacing her apartment? Was she destroying any evidence of Colorado? Was she wondering what her answers to the questions were? Did she love Ashlyn? Was she sorry? Was it too late?

     Heart thumping wildly in her chest, Ashlyn was moving before she realized it. She was running back up the steps, pushing the door open, across the small entry way and to the stairs. She was taking them two at a time, her hand gripping the rail as she went for balance. Nothing mattered; not the stitch growing in her side from gulping air too quickly, not the ache in her feet from the way she’d pounded down the stairs. Nothing mattered but that she didn’t walk away again the way she had before.

     Ashlyn couldn’t leave it to chance again, couldn’t leave things unsaid. She’d go back and she’d be calm. She’d get Ali to talk, she’d sit by her door all night if she had to. She couldn’t let Boulder happen again. _Nothing else matters, nothing else matters_.

     Up the last short flight of stairs, Ashlyn wondered for a brief second if she were being foolish. Would Ali even let her back inside? She started to rehearse her apology when she turned down Ali’s hall and realize it didn’t matter.

     Ali was leaning against the wall next to her open door, hastily pulling on the running shoes that Ashlyn had spotted next to the door when she’d first entered. She started to move before it was on, hopping two steps while pulling the back on. She straightened up then, and saw Ashlyn, then stopped.

     “I …” Ali started, but Ashlyn knew she didn’t care.

     They were on each other within moments. Ashlyn didn’t know how long that first kiss lasted and she didn’t know who pulled away. She held onto Ali with the ferocity of a four-year heartbreak, eager to drink from a well she’d thought long expired. Her mouth tasted better than any of the memories Ashlyn had pulled to her on long, lonely nights, and she regretted everything since the moment she walked away from her that night in Boulder.

     “Ash,” Ali murmured between their kisses, sliding her hands along the back of Ashlyn’s head and down into the neck of her shirt.

     “Do you want to?” Ashlyn asked, pressing her against the wall next to her apartment, hazy brain looking for the shortest route between there and the bed.

     Instead of a verbal response, Ali pulled back and smiled, reaching down to take Ashlyn’s hand with one of hers and using the other to open her front door.

* * *

     She’s taller than I remember. She’s got me up against the wall and I can’t remember her doing that a lot before but I’m so fucking glad she does it now. I don’t even care where she’s learned to be this assertive; all I care about is the way she’s thrumming her hips against mine and her hands pinning my wrists above my head. She’s kissing my neck hard, nearly biting down on my collarbone and I know she loves the way I’m gasping because I can hear her chuckling between my moans.

     Her body is different. Ash, baby, you’ve really been working out, haven’t you? She’s still lean the way she was back in college, but there’s a bulk to the leanness. I’ve got one of my legs hooked around hers and her calf muscles are something to be admired. I can’t wait to get my hands and my mouth on them. She lets go of my wrists so she can hold my face in her hands and I’m actually glad that she does because it allows me to reach around her torso and feel the muscles of her back contracting as we writhe together in my entryway.

     We’ve got to make it to a place we can be horizontal, and it suddenly dawns on me that we’re already here. My mouth distracts her with yet another deep kiss; her lips suck one of mine between them and I moan into her. She’s distracting me from my task, but I have to pay attention. My fingers slide down between our bodies until they find the button and fly on her jeans and Jesus God, I want to touch her. I want to taste her.

     She doesn’t stop me once she realizes what I’m doing and it’s all of the encouragement I need. We’re still kissing as I start to work her jeans down over her hips, collecting her underwear along with them. There’s a small voice in the back of my head that cautions our hasty, lustful actions but I could give a damn. She’s leaning into our kiss and my hands go around to cup her ass and all I want is to be naked with her. I run my hands up her t-shirt, along her spine and she shivers into me.

     “Ticklish, mmm?” I ask her, grinning against her mouth as her chuckles turn into a soft moan.

     “Just like your hands on me,” she breathes, and her fingers are delicate on either side of my neck and shoulders, her forehead connected to mine as I go back to work below.

     She won’t let me drop to my knees just yet, so I have to use my feet and hers to get her pants the rest of the way down. We’re laughing together as she starts to wobble around and I spin her around to the wall. She bends down, helping to get her shoes, socks, and jeans off while I begin to work on her t-shirt.

     “You’re impatient,” she says, smirking while I pull the fabric over her head. She removes her own bra and throws it to the floor before bringing me in for another kiss.

     “Like you don’t want this,” I challenge, gripping onto her hips and grinding my body into her. She sighs and squirms against me, reaching down to pull on my shirt.

     “Take it off,” she whispers as I do, reaching behind me to fidget with the clasp on my bra.

     When it falls between us and our bare chests meet, I feel her trembling. I splay my hands over her skin, concerned. “Are you cold?”

     “Just want you,” she says, some of her confidence gone, leaving just an earnest need behind. “Want you so fucking bad Ali.”

     “You have me,” I say against her lips before beginning my descent.

     I take my time as I drop to my knees, first bending to work my mouth across her skin. She’s got her fingers against the walls, and I can hear her nails scratch against the paper when I run my tongue over one of her nipples, using my hand on the other. I’d love to stay here, spend time just nibbling and tugging on them but I’m just as impatient as she is.

     I’m kissing down the center of her stomach, and her trembling becomes more pronounced. She’s sighing above me, and when I look up to smile at her, she’s looking down with a dazed expression on her face. She’s so beautiful and I want to stop and savor this, but more than that I want to be between her thighs and so I keep going.

     I’ve missed these little curls; the little kept patch of hair right above her clit. I kiss above and around it on either side, taking my time now that I’m near to where I want to be. I want to feel her body, want to drink in her reactions so now I’m going to pay attention. I run my hands up her legs, softly holding her thighs and feeling them begin to open of their own accord as my kisses go lower.

     She surges her hips forward once, nudging against my face when I press my opened mouth against her, just barely above her clit. My hands have crept up towards her and though we’ve just been making out for a little over ten minutes, she’s so wet that I can feel it on her inner thighs. I smell the musky scent of her and I am drunk on it; she’s gorgeous and so fucking delicious and as soon as my tongue hits her clit, we both moan.

     I want to take my time, I really do. I want to draw it out and I want to feel her body relax into what I’m doing but I can’t. Instead, I wrap one arm under her hip and hold on while the other hand starts to spread her lips open. My mouth is on her and its relentless; tongue lapping and swirling before my lips close around her clit and apply just a little bit of suction. She’s beginning to grind against my face and that’s before I slide two fingers inside of her and curl them upwards.

     Her whole body is shaking well before she cries out. My fingers are turning in a half circle inside of her, coupled with my tongue that is actively trying to make up for the last four years. She’s already tight around my hand, even though her thighs keep opening and her hips press against my face. As she grows closer I know; not only does her trembling increase and the rhythm of her hips break, but she’s dropped one hand down to the top of my head and she’s carefully scratching her fingers against my scalp to hold me to her.

     “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” she’s breathing out, and then she holds her breath.

     I know it’s coming because my hand is soaking wet and her thighs are clamping around my face but I don’t need anything but to have her come in my mouth and when she does, I feel myself ache between my legs.

     “Come here,” she says in a hoarse whisper, pulling at my shoulders to bring me to her. As I stand she grabs onto me, still shaking and whether it’s from the anticipation or aftershocks of her orgasm, I’m not sure.

     I hold her to me, both of us breathing heavily and kissing whatever part of the other is within reach. There’s still so much to touch, to taste, to explore but for right now we’re both in the same quiet moment and I’ve wanted this for so long. I’d done so well damming up my feelings for her and now they’ve broken over the both of us.

     “I … Ali, that was … fuck,” she says, whispering against the side of my neck before kissing me there.

     “Think you can top it?” I whisper back, giggling as she wraps her arms around my waist, holding me to her chest.

     “Hope you didn’t plan on any sleep tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> won't promise when the updates will come, but my resolution to finish this story this year still stands.


	36. take advantage of the moment, you're the only one that i want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just like riding a bike. Or each other.

     Ali was dreaming.

     First, it was just a warm sensation; rhythmic sways of color and light swimming over her eyes until a scene came into focus. She was sitting somewhere she recognized, somewhere from her memory, but just far enough that she couldn’t quite …

     Then, Ashlyn was there. It was the memory of her from college. Her blonde hair was thrown back, slouchy jeans hugging her hips, ratty t-shirt that Ali would wear when she spent the night – this was the Ashlyn she’d first fallen in love with all of those years ago. She was laughing at something, looking at her and reaching for her, joy etched on her face. God, she was beautiful.

     She was leaning in, her eyes closing, and Ali knew they were going to kiss when –

     The screeching of tires down on the street level woke Ali with a start. Her eyes flew open and when she turned towards the window, she was met with Ashlyn’s grinning face instead.

     “Oh!” Ali squeaked, smiling sheepishly back at her. “How long have you been … er, staring at me?”

     “I wasn’t _staring_ ,” Ashlyn said, rolling her eyes. “You looked like you were having a good dream.”

     “Mmm,” Ali said, stretching beneath the blankets.

     When her foot brushed Ashlyn’s calf, she tried to be subtle about pulling away. It was morning; bright, shining daylight and they were naked together in her bed. How was it going to go? They hadn’t done much talking the night before; in fact, Ali couldn’t remember falling asleep. Each of their orgasms had blended together and she was actually thinking that they’d drifted and woken again to have sex a few times. Regardless, they hadn’t had a chance to discuss anything of importance.

     Ashlyn stretched herself, rolling onto her back and raising her arms above her head. When she did, the feather comforter slipped a little, falling just below her bra line and giving Ali a rather gorgeous view of her breasts. She did her best not to gawk, reminding herself that she’d had plenty of time with them in her hands and mouth the night before but there was something about seeing them again in the early morning light.

     “See something you like?” Ashlyn teased, and Ali felt herself blush.

     “No, I uh, sorry,” she stammered, pursing her lips around a grin and covering her eyes. “It’s just --- no, never mind. It’s nothing.”

     “Doesn’t look like nothing,” Ashlyn replied, reaching to pull a hand away and hanging onto it; twining their fingers together. “What’re you thinking?”

     Ali smiled at their joined hands. She’d thought about touching her like this, like she had the night before, even if subconsciously, since that night they ran into each other at the party. She felt the same butterflies as when she’d been twenty-one and falling in love and lust in Colorado. It was like they’d done the same dance of “will we or wont we” and then they’d been unable to stop themselves from …

     But then she watched Ashlyn frown, most likely as a mirror of her own face as she let go. “Ashlyn … what are we … what did we …?”

     Ashlyn sighed and shrugged softly, chewing her lip as she regarded Ali for a moment. “Haven’t gotten that far yet,” she admitted. “I woke up and just … I don’t know, let myself be excited to see you.”

     “Yeah?” Ali asked, ignoring the quiet guilt in the back of her mind. “You were?”

     “Mhm,” Ashlyn nodded. “I’ve … God, Al. I’ve wanted to kiss you since I saw you at that party. If I’d been able to move, I probably would’ve right away.”

     “Yeah right,” Ali snorted. “You probably would’ve screamed at me first.”

     Ashlyn grinned. “Yeah, maybe. But you looked so fucking beautiful. I just wanted to reach out and touch you. Make sure you were real.”

     “That was the alcohol talking,” Ali said. “They had it flowing that night.”

     “That they did,” Ashlyn conceded. Then, she reached down and grabbed Ali’s hand again. “But we can’t blame alcohol for last night.”

     “Nope, we can’t,” Ali said quietly, watching as Ashlyn raised their hands to kiss Ali’s knuckle.

     “Just some reckless actions, yeah?” Ashlyn asked, rolling softly to her side to face Ali, reaching beneath the blanket to snake a hand across her bare waist.

     Ali shivered at the contact, feeling a stir between her legs. She turned to her side as well and as she felt Ashlyn’s hand begin to trail down her belly, lifted one of her thighs up. “Definitely reckless,” she said, biting down on her lip when Ashlyn’s fingers slid over the top line of her bikini wax. She reached a hand out of her own, thumb sliding over Ashlyn’s nipple. 

     Ashlyn sighed in response, closing her eyes as her hand nestled right between Ali’s thighs. “Wanna be reckless again?” she asked, eyes half opening.

     “Fuck yeah,” Ali said, pressing their mouths together as Ashlyn pressed two fingers down over her clit, gasping into her.

     They stayed on their sides for a little while, lips and legs intertwining as the sunlight crept across the floor, dust motes drifting through the supercharged air of Ali’s bedroom. Their sighs and moans collected together among the sounds of the city coming to life downstairs, an adjacent universe comprised of just the two of them. Ali quickly lost track of everything but Ashlyn; Ashlyn’s mouth and hands and tongue and teeth and lips and fingers and _God, your body feels incredible_.

     Ashlyn rolled onto her back, pulling Ali on top of her and the brunette didn’t fight it for a second. She pressed their chests together, drawing up to press her knees on either side of Ashlyn’s hips, grinding down when her pelvis was directed. She groaned as she slid, feeling her own come on Ashlyn’s abdomen where she sat. Ali scratched her nails against Ashlyn’s scalp, tugging on the fistful of hair atop her head, pulling back to expose her throat.

     A hissing moan filled the room as Ali nipped and licked her way from Ashlyn’s jawline to her ear, taking her lobe between her teeth as she gave a breathy chuckle against her skin. “Like it?” she asked, sucking it between her lips.

     “Fuck, Al,” Ashlyn gasped, her palms gripping hard onto Ali’s waist, rubbing her body down against the upward surge of her own hips.

     Ali rode her, twisting into the movement and jutting out her chest so that Ashlyn could look up and watch her move. The two of them locked eyes and for a second, Ali couldn’t breathe. There was so much intensity, so much fire; the way Ashlyn was looking at her threatened to burn up every inch of her skin. She wanted to be looked at that way forever.

     In her distraction, Ashlyn sat up, pushing back against Ali to lay her back on the bed, haphazardly throwing the blankets and sheets aside. The two of them kissed and squirmed until Ali’s head was at the bottom corner of the bed, and Ashlyn could sit up between her bended legs, chest heaving with effort as she smiled down at her.

     “See something you like?” Ali echoed, teasing. She raised her arms above her head to reach back and hang on to the corner of the bed, jutting her chest out again and spreading her thighs wide.

     Ashlyn just moved her hands up her thighs, sending them quaking. Every millimeter took an hour and by the time Ashlyn had her thumbs right at the juncture between her pelvis and her inner thigh, Ali had been so distracted by the feeling that she hadn’t noticed Ashlyn sliding down onto her stomach. By the time she looked up, she saw Ashlyn smirking up at her before her face disappeared altogether.

     “Jesus, fuck!” Ali shouted.

     Ashlyn wasn’t taking it easy on her; she licked at her clit and sucked it between her lips, hardly giving Ali time to adjust to the sensation before she was reaching up to slide two fingers inside of her and glide along the inside of her walls. She traced the shape of her slowly, deliberately, in direct contrast to the speed and motion of her tongue and lips. The disparity was maddening, and Ali’s hands clenched hard against the edge of the mattress as she fought to not grind her hips into Ashlyn’s mouth.

     “Please, please, please,” Ali whispered, unable to keep her hips from moving just a little. She rolled them softly as Ashlyn continued her movements, sighing each time they moved in perfect sync to edge just right against a particularly sensitive spot inside of her.

     “Please, what?” Ashlyn asked, raising her head to look Ali in the eye. She cocked an eyebrow when Ali tried to lift her hips to her mouth, using her hands to press the brunette back against the bed. “Where are your manners, Miss Krieger? Please what?”

     “ _Please_ ,” Ali gasped, turning her head to press her mouth against her own bicep. She gripped the sheets hard as Ashlyn drew her tongue just around the perimeter of her, close enough to cause an ache but not close enough to satisfy her. “Please make me come, baby. Please, I need it.”

     “You _need_ it?” Ashlyn asked, laughing softly. “That sounds pretty serious. Are you sure?” She nipped just above her clit and Ali’s thighs clenched around her head. “You had a few last night before you passed out. Think you can handle another?”

     “If you don’t try, I think I’ll scream,” Ali moaned, biting the skin of her arm as Ashlyn began to work at her again. “Yes, please, God. Just like that. Please, please don’t stop.”

     Ali closed her eyes and allowed herself just to feel; she forced out the guilt that threatened to derail the pleasurable goal her body was seeking, concentrated only on the sensations between her legs. There was going to be a time and place for thought about what everything meant, but it was barely 9 in the morning and her ex-girlfriend was currently giving her another mind-blowing orgasm – it was important to stay in the moment.

     “Mhm,” Ali whispered, clenching and twisting her fingers into the fabric on the corner of the bed. “Yes, yes, yes Ash, fuck.”

     Ashlyn hummed between her legs and continued her movements, not breaking for a second in her pace. It wasn’t very fast, wasn’t exceedingly slow; it felt like a swirling, revolving stream towards the inevitable. Instead of the fire she’d felt the night before, it was like a warm, heavy blanket covering her from head to toe, pressing down and enveloping her in the sensation.

     Finally, Ali felt it happening; felt herself tighten around Ashlyn’s fingers even as her thighs opened even wider to accommodate for the movement of her head. There was warmth and light even against the darkness of her closed eyes, a quick tightening and then a release. Ali gasped into the room and though she hadn’t realized she was pulling, felt the sheets loosen and gather around her head as her body melted into the mattress.

     By the time she opened her eyes, Ashlyn was on all fours crawling up to lay beside her, wiping her forearm against her lips and grinning down at her. She kissed Ali’s cheek before smoothing her forehead, the small beads of sweat slicking her hair back a little. “Good?” she asked, and Ali just sighed and burrowed into her chest.

     “Great,” she whispered finally, kissing Ashlyn’s collarbone. She wrapped a leg up around her hip, feeling her center ache from the blunt pressure of Ashlyn’s thigh. “But I think we need a shower.”

     “Yeah?” Ashlyn asked, kissing her hairline. “Get cleaned up to get dirty again?”

     “We can’t lay in bed and have sex all day,” Ali said, looking up at her.

     “Oh. Why not?”

     “Food. We need sustenance with a workout like we’ve been having.”

     “Oh.” On Ali’s questioning look, Ashlyn shrugged. “I thought you were going to kick me out, or something.”

     Ali thought for a second, chewing on her lip. “If I’m going to make a mistake, best to make it properly.”

     “Shh,” Ashlyn whispered, lowering her mouth to kiss Ali, causing the brunette to stop thinking again altogether.

* * *

     “I think you broke my wrist,” Ashlyn said, making a show of letting her hand fall limply to the side. “I don’t think I have any bones left.”

     “That’s why God gave you two,” Ali quipped, popping another French fry into her mouth. She reached across the table and grabbed another bite of Ashlyn’s mac and cheese, spearing a few different elbow noodles on her fork before settling back in place. “God this is good.”

     “And to think,” Ashlyn said, taking a drink of her Oreo milkshake, “you wanted Chinese.”

     “Okay, but Chinese is amazing,” Ali countered, picking at another piece of bacon from her burger. “Especially that place over on Driggs and Grand.”

     “What?” Ashlyn asked, grabbing some fries. “Is that the Snacky place?”

     Ali shook her head. “Birds of a Feather. Szechwan noodles. Mmm.” She leaned back in the booth, lifting her feet so that they could rest next to Ashlyn on her bench seat.

     Ashlyn reached over and started rubbing Ali’s ankles above her boots. “These are cute,” she said, looking at them and turning Ali’s feet.

     “Don’t even try it,” Ali said, scooting them away. “I just got these two weeks ago. Plus, I don’t think we’re even the same size.”

     “Selfish,” Ashlyn teased, leaning back herself. She watched Ali continue to pick at her mac and cheese, even as she groaned and rubbed her stomach. “You can stop you know.”

     “But it’s so _good_ ,” she said before finally putting her fork down again. “Plus, we need to carb load.”

     “Carb load?” Ashlyn asked with a smile. “You didn’t get your fill of me this morning?”

     “Complaining already?” Ali asked, leaning her head to the side.

     “No ma’am,” Ashlyn shook her head. “Well, besides this broken wrist of mine.”

     The server approached, holding out the check. Immediately, both of them went for their wallets. Ashlyn shook her head and reached for one of the many cards in her wallet while pushing Ali’s hand away. “Quit that,” she said, using her free hand to stop Ali again as she attempted to thrust her debit card at the poor server who didn’t look at all amused by their display.

     Ali pouted as he walked off and Ashlyn reached across and tweaked her nose playfully. “You can get dinner.”

     They walked out of the restaurant side by side, brushing against each other every few steps. Ali was making a task of zipping and buttoning her jacket, tucking in her scarf and jamming her beanie onto her head. Ashlyn just walked along, collar turned up against the cold. It was a bit blustery, the wind picking up every few minutes and sending newspapers and other light trash into the air, but nothing requiring a full parka. Still, it would be a nice excuse to –

     “What are you doing?” Ali asked as Ashlyn leaned into her, wrapping an arm around her waist.

     “Huddling for warmth,” Ashlyn quipped, but started to pull away when Ali kept looking at her. “Is this – are you uncomfortable?”

     “No,” Ali said, but Ashlyn wasn’t convinced. As she began to move away, Ali gave her a look. “I don’t know,” she said, “I’m just …”

     “Just what?” Ashlyn asked, putting her hand on the small of her back as they crossed an intersection.

     “Aren’t you, I don’t know, worried about seeing someone you know?”

     “Pfft,” Ashlyn said, “This is New York. There are a million people around us that we’ll never set eyes on again. Plus, everyone minds their own business. If I _did_ see someone I knew, chances are they wouldn’t see me.”

     “Confident,” Ali said, smiling as Ashlyn wrapped her arm around her again, turning her down another street.

     “Or, filled with sex-crazed reckless abandon.”

     They walked a bit further, discussing the different shows and exhibitions Ashlyn had coming up in the next months, as well as projects Ali was working on. Ashlyn purposefully skipped over the most obvious one; the one involving the one person in the world she was choosing to not think of – not out of carelessness but in fact, just the opposite.

     She listened as Ali talked, but the back of her mind wandered, across miles and miles to the ocean on the other side of the country. It wasn’t that she didn’t care. It wasn’t that she was heartless. Ashlyn knew enough about herself to know that there was soon to be a long, difficult conversation between her and Ali, one that would certainly torpedo one of the relationships. She knew that she would have to think about what she wanted her life to look like, and as of that moment, she wasn’t at all sure.

     As they strolled through the streets of Williamsburg, the sun shining beautifully on a crisp, clear Thanksgiving morning, Ashlyn wanted just what she had in that instant. She wanted Ali on her arm, close enough to kiss, and nothing more.

     “Speaking of sex-crazed reckless abandon,” she heard Ali say, snapping her out of her reverie.

     Ashlyn looked up at the shop they were stopped in front of and chuckled. “Really?”

     “Really,” Ali said, nipping at her earlobe before taking her by the hand and leading her into the sex shop.

* * *

     Thirty minutes into the drive, Ashlyn was still hiding her laughter while pretending to look out the window as New York State gave way to Connecticut.

     “I will turn this car around,” Ali said, cringing as she heard memories of her mother in her head.

     “No, it’s really –” Ashlyn coughed through another chortle, “It’s a nice car. It really is.”

     “It was a _gift_ ,” Ali said, rolling her eyes. “My parents got it for the four-wheel drive and the snow.”

     “Oh sure,” Ashlyn said, eyes twinkling with amusement. “Range Rovers are known for their excellent snow traction capabilities. Prep school kids have to have the best.”

     “Shut up,” Ali grumbled, focusing again on the traffic going out of the city.

     “A _car_ for graduation,” Ashlyn said, smirking. “My, my, my Princess. Things really don’t change.”

     “What’s gonna change is your tune when I drop you off at the next bus stop.”

     “I don’t think they taught you that attitude at charm school, Miss Krieger.”

     “Fuck off,” Ali said, rolling her eyes and suppressing her smile.

     She remembered the day her parents had woken her up with the promise of a graduation surprise. She’d just moved back to the east coast; spending a few weeks between moving out of the sorority house in Boulder and heading to Washington D.C. at her parents’ house in Virginia. They were starting to talk seriously about selling her childhood home and she wanted to get as many more days in it as possible before they settled permanently at their home in Aspen.

     “Alexandra,” her mother had said over breakfast, “your father and I finally picked up your graduation present.”

     “We’re sorry it’s a little late, sweetie.” Her dad smiled at her over his coffee cup. “You can go get it out of the trunk.”

     Ali gave them a confused smile, sliding her house shoes on before heading towards the front door. She caught the sight of the sleek, black Range Rover in the driveway before she even had a chance to go outside.

     “Oh my god,” she said, standing stupefied on the sidewalk.

     “We knew you wanted one,” her dad said, walking up behind her and dangling a set of car keys on his finger.

     “Happy graduation Alex,” her mom said, squeezing her shoulder. “We’re so proud of you.”

     Ashlyn had finally stopped most of her ribbing as they started to drive through Connecticut, having agreed that morning to go on a drive to get out of the city for a day. They’d both spent so much time at work recently that a chance of scenery sounded perfect to them both. Plus, if Ali were honest, it was easier to ignore her guilt when she wasn’t constantly checking the face of every stranger walking by in Brooklyn.

     Ashlyn reached across the console to run her fingers absently over Ali’s arm, singing along to the radio as she watched the scenery change from city to suburb. She leaned back a little in her seat, slouched down and resting against the door. Ali smiled to herself each time she looked over at her. She’d never thought she’d see her in the car with her; never thought they’d be driving together out of the city again. It was a pleasant surprise.

     Adele crooned through the speakers in the car; Ali had her newest album on repeat. It seemed, weirdly, like a prophetic album. There were songs about love and longing, rekindling and missing someone. The first time she’d heard it, she’d thought of Ashlyn. She didn’t think she’d ever be sitting in the car with her, listening to her sing along.

     Was this a good idea? It was undoubtedly foolish, destructive, but to what end? Ali wasn’t truly allowing herself to consider any repercussions of their actions, though there were sure to be some. She knew that she wanted Ashlyn, knew that she’d been fighting against herself to stop from thinking about them being together again. She just didn’t know what she wanted to come of it.

     Did she _love_ Ashlyn still? Did she just care for her? Was she lonely in a new city and seeing someone she had loved …? _No_ , she told herself forcefully. Whatever this was, however short or long, it was genuine. It was real. She looked over to Ashlyn and smiled again, watching as she sang softly along to a song about youth and finding someone again.

     “You know,” Ali started, an idea popping up in her head as she read a sign they drove by.

     “I know what?” Ashlyn asked, looking over at her and sliding their hands together.

     “This car is good for something else.”

     Ashlyn just raised an eyebrow quizzically. “That is …?” She turned her head around as Ali exited the expressway, slowing down as they followed the twists and curves of a purported scenic overlook.

     Ali slowed the car to a stop in a spot beneath some trees, scanning the empty lot to be sure there was no one lingering around. As soon as she was certain they were alone, she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over to whisper in Ashlyn’s ear, “Ample backseat room.”

     Before Ashlyn could reach for her, Ali clambered out of the front seat and opened the rear door. Ashlyn followed suit, scrambling to follow after her and leaping into the backseat, immediately falling into Ali as they kissed, climbing up to her knees to meet her height.

     “This _is_ spacious,” Ashlyn murmured between kisses, grabbing fistfuls of Ali’s sweater and inching it up to reveal some skin. She slid her hands underneath and around Ali’s ass, sliding into her jeans and cupping her cheeks. “Fuck, you have such a spectacular ass,” she said, biting onto her lower lip and tugging.

     “Yeah?” Ali asked breathlessly, reaching between them to start to unbutton her own jeans. “Wanna see it up close?”

     “Here?” Ashlyn asked, drunkenly looking around the car, despite the darkened backseat windows.

     “No time like the present,” Ali said, leaning back against the door to start to shimmy her pants down her legs.

     “Fuck yeah,” Ashlyn said, following suit.

     As Ali began to discard her sweater, leaving her in just a bra, she motioned to the backseat. “There’s something back there for you to wear.”

     “Hmm?” Ashlyn asked, reaching over the seats until she pulled a small duffle. Once she felt the shape inside, she chuckled. “Oh yeah?”

     “Mhmm,” Ali replied, tugging and pushing on Ashlyn’s hips until the taller woman was seated in the middle. “Put it on.”

     It was only a little comical, Ali thought, watching Ashlyn try to get the harness properly situated on her hips as they worked through the space in the backseat. By the time she had the straps tightened and was sliding a few healthy drops of lube onto the shaft of the toy, Ashlyn had worked up a little sweat on her chest. “Don’t know if we need that heater huh?”

     “Shut up,” Ali said, flipping around and presenting her back to Ashlyn. “Just keep your eye on the prize.”

     “ _Fuck_.”

     Ali smiled as she heard Ashlyn swear under her breath, grabbing onto either front seat for balance as she dropped her hips onto Ashlyn’s lap. “Guide me.” She gasped a little when she felt one of Ashlyn’s hands on her hip and the other take a hold of the toy and extend her fingers out to find Ali’s slit.

     There was a pleasant ache as Ali took all of the toy inside of her, stretching and filling her up; she rested for a few moments when she bottomed out against Ashlyn’s lap, reaching back to press her hands onto either of her knees. Truth be told, she was a little sore from all of their activity over the last 36 or so hours; she’d forgotten how it felt to be thoroughly fucked and still crave more the instant they were finished. She leaned back a little, smiling when Ashlyn sat up a bit taller to meet her.

     “Spec-fucking-tacular,” Ashlyn whispered into her ear, biting what Ali knew to be her tattoo as she began to move.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I take a long time, but I hope you guys are still around. :)


	37. in your favorite sweater, with an old love letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions

     “Al,” Ashlyn laughed softly under her breath, “you’re trying to make sure I don’t get anything done, aren’t you?”

     Ali smiled against the heated skin of her neck, continuing her path along Ashlyn’s spine until she began to pull on the collar of her t-shirt. “I’m trying to make sure you get _me_ done.”

     “I’ve done you plenty of times today,” Ashlyn said, reaching to pick up another chisel from her work bench. “Plus, last night. And yesterday. And the night before.”

     “Oh, bored already?” Ali asked, pinching Ashlyn’s sides.

     “Or,” Ashlyn said, turning around and taking Ali into her arms, “I have a deadline fast approaching and I need to get some work done.”

     “But it’s a holiday week,” Ali pouted, leaning into Ashlyn’s chest and curling her arms around her neck. She played with the longer strands of hair, twisting them around her fingers while Ashlyn leaned her head back. “Don’t you get some time off?”

     “Mmm,” Ashlyn responded, sighing as Ali resumed kissing her neck. She inched up the bottom of Ali’s sweater, sliding her hands along the waist of her jeans and pushing her fingers just inside the band.

     Ali grinned where she was, feeling Ashlyn began to move her hips a little against her. She pressed her body more firmly against her, kissing along the column of her throat while she used more nails to scratch Ashlyn’s scalp, chuckling when she felt Ashlyn’s hands clench around her hipbones. She rocked her hips softly, straddled over one of Ashlyn’s legs which provided them both with a fair amount of friction; she had been turned on all day and it still felt good to have that throb temporarily sated.

     “What’s one more day off?” Ali asked in a whisper, her lips barely brushing against Ashlyn’s earlobe. She slid one of her hands fully into her t-shirt, scratching down her back as she went. She smiled thinking of how she was likely tracing other marks that might be there; she hadn’t been very gentle earlier when Ashlyn had fucked her against the kitchen counter.

     “You make a convincing argument,” Ashlyn replied, kissing Ali’s jawline. “My hands are kind of sore. I wouldn’t want to do subpar work.”

     “It sounds like the great artiste needs some rest,” Ali whispered, licking along the shell of her ear. “Maybe a nice soak in a bath? Some candles? Yes?”

     Ashlyn laughed again, and Ali felt butterflies in her stomach just listening to the sound. It used to be one of her favorite sounds in the world; she’d learned to live without it but now she wasn’t sure she ever could again. There were so many memories attached to it, old and new ones being made in the last few days.

     It worried her. They mostly listened to music on the way back from their drive out to Connecticut, holding hands and enjoying the time together. It had given Ali a lot of time to think, and though she knew it was a tangled mess to unravel, she did some of the work. While she was currently nursing a seemingly insatiable need to have sex with her ex-girlfriend, she knew that something was going to have to give.

     She liked Alex; that made it worse. Alex wasn’t a bad person. How could she explain that the younger woman had simply tried to start a relationship with someone who hadn’t finished the one before her? Even though there was space, even though there were years, Ali knew from the moment they’d ran into each other at that art gallery party that it wasn’t finished. How did she explain that to Alex?

     Was it her job in the first place? Ashlyn had made the decision to keep her previous relationship a secret. It was clear that Ashlyn wasn’t over it either, and yet she’d made the choice to enter into something that was apparently serious enough for them to live together. That wasn’t Ali’s fault.

_Don’t try to shift the blame_. There was a persistent voice in the back of her head that came back around each time she tried to make an excuse. There were none. They were having an affair, plain and simple. She could dress it up any way that she liked, but she was the other woman. She’d taken something that wasn’t hers to take in the first place. _But we weren’t finished being in love_ , she rationalized _, you can’t get in the way of something meant to be._

     But that was a childish notion, even to her. It wasn’t as simple as that. Ali had looked over at Ashlyn, watching her watch a train alongside the highway. As happy as Ali was to be with her, to be able to be physically with her again, she knew that it wasn’t enough to call it fate and move on. There was going to be fallout, and she wasn’t entirely convinced that she wasn’t going to be the casualty.

     “You know,” Ashlyn said, pulling Ali out of thought, “my place isn’t very far from here.”

     Ali smiled, despite the ebbing feeling of anxiety and guilt from her musings. “Yeah?”

     She’d wondered if that was out of bounds. It had seemed an unspoken rule that they were staying on “Ali’s” part of the borough. It surprised her when Ashlyn asked if she wanted to go hang out at the studio while she did a little work. Ali had even expected her to be hands off as they traveled that way, but from the subway to the few blocks they had to walk on foot, Ashlyn had an arm wrapped casually but close around Ali’s waist.

     “There’s some stuff I want to … I want to show you something.”

     Ali pulled back, grinning. “Red room of pain? Are you into whips and chains now?”

     “Don’t you want to find out?” Ashlyn waggled her eyebrows. “Come on, you. I know you have zero intention of letting me get anything done tonight anyway.”

     Ali helped Ashlyn close up, which really just consisted of turning off lights, making sure different tools were unplugged, and making sure the alarm was on before they locked up. Then, they set off on foot towards Ashlyn’s, and Alex’s, loft. Again, Ali was unsure of how to proceed, but Ashlyn again wrapped a hand around her waist and held her close as they walked through the twilit evening.

     It was a casual walk back, just about fifteen minutes. Ali was starting to feel a little anxious, even more than earlier, when she thought about how she was about to be in their apartment. Sure, she’d been there before, but this was different. This was like infiltrating enemy territory and flaunting it. It felt risky, and wrong. Still, each time Ashlyn squeezed her hip, Ali’s resolution strengthened.

     At least, until they were waiting for a walk sign a block and a half from the loft. They stood watching the cars from the turn lane go, standing nearly on top of one another. Ali had her arm around her shoulders, Ashlyn’s hand still wrapped around her waist. She was saying something about trying out one of the bakeries down the street, Ashlyn turning to kiss her on her cheek when she heard someone yell out behind them.

     “What the ever-loving _fuck_ are you two doing?”

     Ali whipped around as though there’d been a gunshot. She stood stock-still as she registered Kelley’s face roughly ten feet behind them. She let her hands fall to her sides, wishing with all of her might that Ashlyn would let go of her. It seemed she was frozen in place as well, watching as her best friend stomped towards them with pure fury on her face.

     “What the fuck is this?” Kelley asked, looking between the two of them.

     “Mind your fucking business, Kelley,” Ashlyn said, but there was an uncertainty to her tone.

     “And you!” Kelley turned her rage towards Ali.

     “Don’t talk to her like that,” Ashlyn said, moving to stand halfway in front of Ali. “This isn’t her fault.”

     “No, it’s both of your fucking fault! I doubt you held her hostage. She looks real miserable to be standing there with you right now.” There was silence as they stood on the corner, people passing around them in all directions, ignoring their display.

     “Kelley,” Ali started, but she felt Ashlyn put a hand across her body as if to say not to continue. “It’s not … I’m sorry.”

     “You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Ashlyn spat, looking at Kelley. “Whose friend are you?”

     “ _Yours_ , you selfish asshole,” Kelley said, still with a raised voice. “I knew you were going to pull this shit. I _knew_ it.”

     “Why are you even angry?” Ashlyn asked, “What the hell stake do you have in all this?”

     “Why am I angry?” Kelley spluttered. She ran a hand through her hair, looking incredulously at the sky. “You’re actively cheating on a woman you claim to love and you’re asking why I’m angry.”

     “I don’t _claim_ to love her,” Ashlyn said. “I _do_ love her. I love her very much. Don’t act like you know what I’m thinking.”

     Ali tried her best not to recoil, not to have a reaction to what were likely heated words without much meaning. At least, she hoped they didn’t have meaning. Or maybe she did. Either way, she wasn’t sure of anything, so she settled for staring down at her shoes while the two of them continued to argue in the middle of the busy street.

     “This isn’t the way to act, Ashlyn,” Kelley said, much quieter. Ali could sense both of them running out of fuel. “If you wanted to end it –”

     “Who said shit about ending things? Look, you have _no_ idea what’s going on –”

     “Because you wouldn’t pick up the fucking phone and talk to me!”

     “Because you aren’t me! You have no idea what I’m thinking.”

     “And right now, I don’t particularly care to know. Whatever Ashlyn. You two have a good night.”

     And with that, Kelley strode off in the other direction, leaving Ali to wonder where they were heading.

* * *

      It took until the water had cooled and most of the bubbles had disappeared before Ali had the courage to speak.

     “She shouldn’t have said those things.”

     Her voice was quiet; Ashlyn nearly jumped when she heard her, instead just wrapping her arms around her tighter. She thought for a moment, chewing on her lip and her words before leaning forward to kiss the back of Ali’s head.

     “But was she wrong?”

     Ashlyn exhaled into Ali’s damp hair, tightening her knees around Ali and fighting the urge to squeeze. _She_ wanted to be squeezed. She wanted something to fight the feeling in her mind; everything drifting and falling away. When Ali didn’t speak again, Ashlyn thought about how her comment might have been perceived.

     “Not that – the thing she said about – I’m just saying that this isn’t a mistake.”

     But the damage was done. When Ali spoke, it was somehow quieter than it had been before. “Are you sure?”

     Ashlyn sighed, rubbing her pruned fingertips over Ali’s forearms that were crossed tightly over her knees. She persisted until Ali relaxed and leaned back against her, pressing the two of them against the back of the tub. Ashlyn kissed the back of her head again, reaching up to brush her hair away from one of her shoulders. She thought she felt Ali tremble, and she tilted her face to the side to see if she was crying.

     “Hey,” she said softly, relieved to see her cheeks were dry. “I’m sure.”

     “One hundred percent?” Ali asked, doubt filling her brown eyes.

     “One hundred percent.”

     Seemingly satisfied, at least for the moment, Ali turned back around, but nestled further into Ashlyn’s chest. Ashlyn leaned her head back, allowing it to rest on the small pillow kept there for such purposes.

_But not for the two of us_ , she thought to herself, looking up to the ceiling. It did feel wrong, now that she was sitting and thinking about it, to have Ali naked in the apartment that she shared with Alex. It wasn’t just a place they lived, it had become their home. While they hadn’t lived together a full year yet, she had plenty of memories of each room in the loft; good memories, most of them, and it hurt to think of them.

     What was the solution? What was the answer? Alex didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve to be cheated on while she was three thousand miles away, most likely thinking about her girlfriend back home. She didn’t deserve to have her trust so thoroughly destroyed. She’d been kind from the beginning, patient and understanding as Ashlyn came out of a shell that she’d been in without much explanation. It wasn’t fair to her at all to have things end this way.

     There wasn’t a way to get out of it without someone being destroyed. Or was that thought even too optimistic? How were any of them to escape unharmed? Losing Alex, losing Ali; one that she could imagine and one she’d barely lived through before. At once, Ashlyn wished she could clone herself and go in two separate directions.

     “It’s cold.” Again, Ali’s sudden voice jerked Ashlyn out of thought, and the brunette was moving to climb out of the tub before Ashlyn could respond.

     The two of them climbed into bed, Ashlyn trying with all of her might to ignore the scent of Alex on the pillow as she curled into Ali’s back before falling asleep.

* * *

      It was raining, if you could call it that. There was a soft smear of rain across the city; more of a thick mist, and Ali was grateful. It wouldn’t have been fair if the morning had dawned beautiful and pristine, not after last night.

     She could still hear Kelley’s harsh words echoing in her mind. She saw her face, the absolute anger and betrayal as she’d shouted at them both, completely abandoning all privacy as people walked around them. She could imagine how it looked to come upon them like that, even wondering how long she’d been standing behind them before finally speaking up.

     Ali thought about the night Kelley had asked her to meet her at the bar, thought about the promise she’d made. She knew at the time that she wasn’t making it in good faith, but she didn’t know if she fully expected this. Maybe she thought that one of them would break, would say something to the effect of being interested in the other; at the worst, maybe she thought that they’d have to have a talk before jumping into anything.

     She swirled the spoon around the mug, hoping against hope that the letter “A” stood for Ashlyn rather than Alex. She wasn’t being honest with herself, even now. She’d sat next to Kelley at the bar that night and she knew, even when she promised that she wouldn’t let anything happen. She knew that it was going to end up this way. From the night she decided to go to the loft knowing that she had no business attending her ex-girlfriend’s birthday party, she knew that she was signing up for whatever would present itself.

     But how did she feel? Was nostalgia enough of a reason to break a woman’s heart? Did she still feel things for Ashlyn strong enough to go through a messy breakup, being kicked out of her apartment? Did she feel enough to go through a transition? Did she feel enough to look in the mirror and say, “you left her for me”?

     She remembered being a little girl, thinking of all of the love stories on TV and in books and movies. She thought it was so great, the way the music would swell and the way the sunlight would come through just as the couple defied all odds to end up together; despite distance, other partners, fights, even different universes. They were the true-blue love story. They were the good guys.

     Still, as she heard sounds through the open window next to the fire escape signaling Ashlyn’s movement through the apartment, it occurred to her that every love story is someone else’s nightmare.

* * *

      “Coffee?” Ashlyn asked, holding up a full pot.

     Ali just lifted a mug and smiled. “Hope it’s yours. I think it’d feel … Please just tell me it’s yours.”

     Ashlyn just smiled and nodded, then turned and poured herself a cup. “I found it on a shopping spree at Target. I’d just gotten my first big check and I told myself I could go _truly_ wild for one afternoon. I must’ve walked around Target for three hours. I tried all sorts of clothes on, went through all of the movies and books. I even wandered around the kid’s section looking at toys. I bought a few different mugs but that one’s stuck with me.”

     “What else did you get?” Ali asked, crossing over to sink down onto the couch.

     Ashlyn busied herself stirring in some sugar, going through the cabinets and pulling out a box of cookies. She took one out, popped it into her mouth and continued, walking into the living room with full hands. She placed the box and her coffee mug down, taking the cookie out of her mouth and talking through a bite. “Had an Xbox for a while. Didn’t know how to play any of the games though, so I gave it to my brother. I bought a whole bunch of new pillows but lost all of those when I was moving from place to place. There was an expensive set of pots and pans, of which only a few made it to this apartment, so I guess those lasted.” She took another bite of cookie and thought for a moment. “I do still have a Jurassic Park t-shirt I bought, so it wasn’t a total loss.”

     “Clearly,” Ali said, reaching and taking a cookie. They ate them in silence for a few minutes, listening to the city wake up around them.

     It was the end of Thanksgiving week and now that Black Friday had finished, the holiday season was really going to get started. Soon, there would be Santa Claus on every corner and it would be insanity until New Year’s Eve. Ashlyn absently thought about her gift list and wondered what to get people until she remembered where she was and what there was to really talk about.

     “So,” Ali said, brushing her hands together to get rid of any crumbs.

     “So.” Ashlyn agreed, crossing her feet under her and sitting up a bit straighter. She wasn’t exactly sure how it was going to go, but it was best to try and be as prepared as possible.

     “What are we doing?”

     It was the most direct question, and probably the most obvious. True to the cliché, it was also the most complicated. “We’re exploring things that we probably should’ve explored when we realized we weren’t over each other.” Ashlyn shrugged.

     “That wouldn’t have helped me much,” Ali said, and on Ashlyn’s lifted eyebrow, she shrugged as well. “I didn’t let myself think of you.”

     “Oh come on, Al,” Ashlyn said. “I don’t buy that for a second.”

     “Really,” Ali said, lifting her shoulders. “I buried my head in schoolwork. I thought that if I slowed down for a second that I’d end up sacrificing what I’d worked so hard for – I didn’t think I had a choice to think of you.”

     Ashlyn frowned down at her lap. That wasn’t just a shot to the ego, it made her question everything. She’d started to come around to the idea that perhaps she was really into Ali and wanted a chance for things to play out now, but not if this was just Ali scratching an itch. “Oh,” she said, pulling at a loose thread on the couch. “I guess that is a moot point then.”

     “Well,” Ali prodded, “what about you?”

     "What about me, what?” Ashlyn asked with a hint of a pout.

     “When did you realize that you weren’t over me?”

     The immediate answer she wanted to give was the truthful one: immediately. The reason it had hurt so much to find out about Ali and Knox was that she wanted them to work out, even despite it all with the expulsion. She figured that they had a chance to get back together until she’d broken Ashlyn’s heart by playing into all of her deepest insecurities. She’d not stopped thinking about her until –

     “I mean, yeah, I didn’t date really until Alex, but I don’t think that I really was like … hung up on you or anything. I think I just needed to deal with the shit about getting kicked out of school.”

_Smooth_ , she thought, as she watched Ali frown. It was obviously a lie, they both knew it. Still, Ashlyn wasn’t about to be the only one admitting that she was sad about it from the start. She had to save face somehow. What if it turned out that Ali didn’t want it to continue? What if this was just some weird way to find out how obsessed Ashlyn was just to say, “thanks for the self-esteem boost” and jet? Was Ali capable of that? Ashlyn wanted to say no, but she kept thinking of how quickly Knox had gotten in the way.

     “What are you like … What do you see coming out of this?” Ashlyn asked in what she hoped was an offhand way.

     Ali shrugged again, and Ashlyn fought the urge to let out an exasperated sigh. This wasn’t going anywhere. They were too busy trying to save face, both of them. It seemed that they were both willing to sit and lie in order to appear … what? Cool? Blasé? She watched Ali pick at the edge of her nails and she couldn’t stand it.

     She stood up quickly, Ali watching in confusion as she strode into the office. Ashlyn opened the closet door, heart hammering in her chest. She was really getting ready to play all of her cards, wasn’t she? She moved the boxes in there around, different ones for memory items and important documents until she found what she was looking for. There was a manila envelope filled with folded, unread letters that had gathered a little dust since her move. She also grabbed one other folded piece of paper beneath it.

     Ashlyn paused, clenching the envelope in worried hands. This would be it; after Ali found out what was in here, she wouldn’t be able to back out. It would be obvious. Just like it was obvious to her what she wanted. She didn’t want to hurt Alex, and she didn’t want to be the bad guy, but she had known it from the start. It was always going to be about Ali. It was always ever Ali.

     She walked back into the living room and wordlessly handed the envelope to Ali who accepted with the biggest questioning look on her face. Ashlyn crossed back to her side of the L-shaped couch, watching Ali began to sift through the contents as she chewed on her inner cheek.

     It was silent in the loft for the better part of thirty minutes. Ali went through them, page by page; it was agonizing to watch her eyes dart across the page. Each time she flipped to the back or to the next one, Ashlyn waited for her to stand up and walk out. Surely, something was going to trigger Ali to leave. Her heart thudded uncomfortably fast as the small pile of letters went from folded to lying open on the cushion.

     Finally, Ali finished, gathering up each of the letters and sliding them carefully back in the manila envelope. It felt like an eternity before she looked up to Ashlyn, her expression unreadable. The apartment was silent; so quiet that Ashlyn could barely register any of the sounds outside the windows. In fact, she heard the clock on the wall in the hallway tick away the seconds until she couldn’t take it anymore.

     “Please, for the love of God, say something.”

     “But you covered it up.”

     Ashlyn blinked; once, twice, and then she understood. “Oh, the tatoo?”

     “Yeah, the tattoo. The tattoo that matches mine that we got together. You covered it up.”

     Ashlyn gave her a rueful smile, and having expected it, reached to hand her the other folded piece of paper. Ali’s lips moved but Ashlyn finished the quote, “all she ever wanted, for someone to understand her while she was out making sense of her soul, and the handful of flowers blooming from the top of her skull.”

     When Ali looked up, Ashlyn was turning her arm so that Ali could properly see the tattoo. It wasn’t that the face was hers, but it was what it stood for. Suddenly, the roses and cracks in the porcelain visage weren’t something she was jealous of, something she thought had replaced her. Instead, she realized that Ashlyn’s tribute had simply grown.

     “It’s always been you, Al. I’ve loved you since …” Ashlyn laughed softly, “since that fucking elevator. I love you, Ali.”

     This time, Ali really was beginning to cry. The tears began to fall before Ashlyn had the chance to get up and cross to her, kneeling in front of her and pulling her into her arms. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

     “No, it’s not okay,” Ali cried, her voice muffled in Ashlyn’s shoulder. “It’s not okay at all.”

     “Why, baby?” Ashlyn asked, pulling back, searching her face as she wiped her tears with her thumbs.

     “Because I love you, too.”

     Ashlyn wasn’t sure how long they held each other before finally kissing. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed on the couch, clothes strewn around them. All she knew was that the sun made its way across the sky as they lay together; laughing, talking, whispering. All she knew was that they were finally together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this hurt my feelings, and was a lot, but we aren't quite finished yet.


	38. i'm stuck, i'm stuck here in my sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex comes home early.

     Alex powered on her phone as she walked up the jetway, careful to dodge the multiple strollers being pulled from the cargo area, their owners standing close by, buttoning up jackets on small, bleary eyed children. She completely agreed with their feelings, yawning widely into her scarf as she looked down at her phone at her loading notifications. It wasn’t quite eight in the morning, but the day was starting.

**Mama:** Hey honey, thanks for coming to see us. It was a great visit! Let us know when you make it back to New York, okay?

     Alex smiled down at her phone, remembering her mother’s warm embrace the night before when she’d dropped her off at LAX. She was leaving earlier than expected, returning mostly in response to some panicked emails from the director of that semester’s play, saying that two of the actors were being expelled for some dorm room debauchery and the cast would need to get together as soon as possible to work on rehearsals. She hadn’t wanted to leave, but she knew that as this was her first leading role, she needed to help it be as perfect as possible.

**Alex:** Hi! I made it in just now. It was a pretty quiet flight, but I think I only got two or three good hours of sleep. Remind me of this next time I take the red eye to New York. I’ll let you know when I get home!

     She scrolled through the rest of the items on her recent list; discarding some emails toting upcoming sales at some of her favorite shops, ignoring the release of a new album on Spotify, and grinning at a selfie her sister had sent from their Black Friday madness. It only occurred to her once she reached the gate that there still wasn’t anything from Ashlyn.

     She hadn’t told her that she was on her way back, as she planned to surprise her with some donuts and perhaps some welcome home sex. Still, she’d been weirdly quiet over the holiday. Ashlyn had dodged questions on what she’d done on Thanksgiving, and it didn’t look like she’d gone to Kelley’s dinner party that she’d hosted for her in-town friends. Alex opened up Instagram again to scroll through the pictures and sure enough, she didn’t see Ashlyn there in the background.

_Maybe she’s been working_ , Alex thought distantly, her focus temporarily snagged by the Starbucks with a short line right by the baggage claim. She breathed in the scent of coffee beans and pastries, feeling in that moment just how exhausted she was beginning to feel now that she had at least a thirty-five-minute cab ride back to the loft. Surely that trip would go a little smoother with an extra shot chai tea latte.

     As she stood in line, she kept scrolling through Instagram and some of her suspicions were confirmed. Ashlyn had posted some pictures taken at her studio from her business account; seemingly some shots of a new piece from different angles, backlit with some Christmas lights being strung across the street, glowing through the front windows of the space. She imagined Ashlyn working until the late hours, neglecting food and sleep for the time she could devote to the work.

     “I’ve got a grande triple shot dirty chai tea latte for Alex!” The barista quickly and methodically put the cup into an insulated sleeve and placed it on the counter before turning back to the espresso machine for the next order.

     Alex quickly double tapped Ali’s most recent post, some artsy cluster of trees in Connecticut, before locking her phone and slipping it into her back pocket. She readjusted her weekend bag on her shoulder and headed out towards the taxi waiting line.

* * *

     “Shit! Fuck! Al! Ali, wake up!”

     Ali opened her eyes, feeling her head spin from the disorientation of being pulled from a dream. The images that had just been in her mind’s eye were quickly fading, replaced by Ashlyn frantically running around the room while pulling on a t-shirt. Ali sat up, blinking hard and trying to wake up.

     “Whassa matter?” she asked groggily, thinking back to the night before. They’d gone to bed late, possibly right as the sun was beginning to come up.

     “Alex just texted,” Ashlyn said, jumping on one foot as she shimmied into a pair of sweatpants. “She’s down the fucking street. She came home early.”

     “No,” Ali said dumbly, rubbing her eyes and running a hand through her hair. “It’s Sunday, right? She’s not supposed to come back until Tuesday.”

     “Well, you can tell her that when she gets here in about five minutes,” Ashlyn snapped, reaching down and collecting clothing that had been discarded across the floor.

     Ali jumped as her t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants were thrown at her. She remembered putting them on yesterday after they’d showered together, shortly before they undressed again on their way to the bed. Ashlyn had smiled as she tossed Ali’s shirt across the room after waving it around her head like a lasso. It was so different from the look on her face as she watched her sit in bed.

     “Fuck,” Ali said, blinking again.

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn agreed, walking out of the room while continuing to talk, “so you need to get up and get out of here.”

     “Right,” Ali said, pushing back the blankets, feeling suddenly more naked than she actually was – the sunlight, so warm and soothing the last few mornings that they’d woken up together now felt like a single bulb in an interrogation room. She dug around the sheets but couldn’t find what she was looking for. “Ash,” she called out, pushing back the blankets and tossing the pillows around, “do you know where my underwear are?”

     “Al, I kind of need you to find them yourself,” she called, and Ali heard the clanging of dishes in the sink, the trashcan being opened and closed repeatedly, and other sounds of Ashlyn’s hasty cleaning. Ali remembered their take-out containers and empty pints of ice cream that had been left on the countertop when they’d laid down on the floor after a midnight snack.

     Ali rolled out of bed, her anxiety quickly growing as she realized the seriousness of the situation. Suddenly, the last few days seemed absolutely absurd, and she couldn’t believe their audacity of hanging out at Ashlyn and Alex’s loft. How could they have been so stupid? Ali started to gather up everything in sight that had anything to do with her and made her way into the bathroom. She gathered up her toothbrush, hairbrush, and moisturizer, stuffing everything into her purse.

     As she went out into the bedroom again, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and realized she was still naked. She began to hastily pull on whatever she had in her hands, wondering how much time had passed since Alex told Ashlyn she was on her way. She couldn’t find out like this – even if it was going to end for them, it couldn’t happen like this.

     Ashlyn ran back in the room, wide-eyed and erratic as she set about putting the room back together. She sorted the pillows on the bed as though she’d been sleeping alone, arranging them in the middle like a nest and pulling up the covers. Ali was grateful that she’d left her perfume at her own apartment, knowing that the kind Alex used was completely different. She looked over at the side table – Alex’s bedside table – and her stomach lurched with guilt.

     “Ashlyn,” Ali started, pulling her hair up into a quick, messy bun. “What – how long – when did she text?”

     “About six minutes ago,” Ashlyn said, crossing over and making sure the bathroom looked good with a cursory glance. “Did you get all of your stuff?”

     “Um, yeah,” Ali said, distractedly patting her purse. “I just – do you want me to …”

     “Do I want you to what?” Ashlyn asked, giving the room a once over.

     “I don’t know,” Ali said, “stay? We can talk to her together?”

     Ashlyn looked at her as though she’d grown an extra head. “No,” she said. “That’s not … No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

     “Well, we didn’t really,” Ali started, biting her lip, “you and I didn’t really discuss details last night.”

     “Yeah, we were a bit busy,” Ashlyn laughed humorlessly. “Okay,” she said, looking around the room, “we’ve got to get you out of here.”

     Ali blinked twice; this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. They were supposed to have time to work out a plan before Alex came back. They were supposed to talk through all of the sticky, gritty details of break ups and moving out and all sorts of things like cancelling Netflix subscriptions and dividing bathroom towels. They were supposed to go to breakfast and talk like adults. Now, Ali felt like she was caught in her teenage bedroom, naked with a girl.

     “Ali, please,” Ashlyn said, pulling her from her thoughts. She put her arms on Ali’s shoulders, holding her and looking into her eyes.

     Ali nodded, and they began to move towards the living room, heading to the front door. Ali was looking around the room as she walked, trying to remember if she’d left anything when Ashlyn came to a dead stop. Right as Ali was about to ask, she heard the steps out in the hallway, coming from the direction of the heavy, metal stairs. Before Ashlyn could say anything, Ali was turning and running back into the bedroom, towards the window she’d used the day before to go out onto the fire escape.

     Her hands trembled as she worked on the latches, thankful that she’d thought to pull the bedroom door behind her as she heard the front door open. She heard Alex’s voice in the other room as she slid the window up just enough to crawl out onto the landing just beneath the window.

     “Hey baby,” Ashlyn said in response, her voice muffled by the half-opened window and the half-closed bedroom door.

     Ali put her bag down behind her, out of sight, as she tried to close the window behind her. Though, as she heard footsteps and the sound of a wheeled suitcase rolling across the floor growing closer, she lost her nerve and instead just hid back against the brick wall, safely out of view should anyone look. She was grateful – just as she took a chance to breathe, she heard their voices grow suddenly louder.

     “Yeah, I had to get back for the emergency rehearsal.” She heard a few sounds, imagining Alex putting her bag down in the open space next to the dresser; the space where Ali had laid, her legs spread open wide with Ashlyn between them.

     “Oh right,” Ashlyn said, and there was the soft, cushioned sound of her sitting down on the bed. Ali’s stomach turned as she realized her smell, their smell, was all over the blankets.

     “Why’d you leave the window open, you goof?” Alex asked, and Ali braced herself but instead her voice went a little farther away as she walked towards the bathroom. There was the clicking sound of a light and then the echo of her voice against all of the tile. “Mom says hello, by the way.”

     “Hi back,” Ashlyn said, and Ali could hear how tense she was, imagining a sheen of sweat across her forehead as she lay against the pillows. “How was the family?”

     “They were great,” Alex replied, and Ali desperately wished to be anywhere but listening to them discussing her trip like nothing had happened. “Actually, you missed something. You remember my cousin Rebecca?” She assumed Ashlyn murmured her agreement because Alex continued, “She got engaged!”

_Definitely time to go_ , Ali thought, looking around for a chance to escape. To her right, thankfully out of view of the window, there was a staircase leading down to the sidewalk below. What she didn’t know was how much noise she would make trying to climb down and if she should wait until they were safely away from the open window to make her exit. She sat contemplating, missing most of their conversation until something got her attention.

     “Anyway, it was making me wonder about us.” Unmistakably Alex’s voice, and Ali stilled to listen.

     “What about us?” Ali couldn’t believe that Alex couldn’t pick up on the trepidation in Ashlyn’s voice – it was as clear as day.

     Ali heard another soft, brushing sound and pictured Alex sitting down on the bed next to Ashlyn. Her stomach turned again. She knew that she shouldn’t still be sitting there, shouldn’t be listening; she’d done enough damage by sleeping with Ashlyn. It was another thing to listen in while Ashlyn broke up with her.

     “You know I love you,” Alex started. There was a pause and Ali wished she could turn up the volume; it was really rather hard to eavesdrop with Brooklyn traffic in the background.

     “I do,” Ashlyn said, and there was another pause. “And I love you.”

     Ali stopped breathing. Perhaps she wasn’t going to listen to a break up. She wondered if Ashlyn knew she was still sitting there, still listening. There was a weird combination of guilt and indignation; she damn well felt the right to know exactly what Ashlyn was going to do, but she knew that it was rather sneaky. Still, her wariness won over and she leaned as closely as she could to the window to listen.

     “It’s not that I want to get engaged. I don’t think we’re ready for that yet. It’s just …”

     “Yeah?” Ashlyn asked.

     “I want it to happen,” Alex said. “Eventually, I mean. But that’s where I see this going.”

     There was silence and Ali felt a churning mix of anger, rejection, and heartbreak. They hadn’t had the chance to talk, hadn’t worked things out but something had changed the day before when Ashlyn had given her those letters to read. She’d waited for so long, had thought about Ali for so long – even now, it didn’t take more than eight weeks for them to fall into each other again. Ali knew that she’d been lying to herself since Ashlyn went away. She’d never gotten over her either, even if she tried her best not to think of her. They were supposed to work out.

     Still, Ali knew that she’d felt that way before and it had all blown up in their faces. It was with this resolution, and the desire to not hear whatever Ashlyn had to say in response, that Ali chanced making noise and started her way down the fire escape. There was no way that she’d stick around to find out she’d lost her all over again.

* * *

      Ashlyn sat in the back of the Uber, wishing with all of her might that the traffic would dissipate so she could get where she was going. It’d been a hell of a morning, and it didn’t look like it would let up soon. From the moment she’d woken up to Alex’s text about breakfast to the current view of a homeless man holding up the cars in front of them, nothing had been easy.

     It was sheer luck that she’d even looked at her phone when Alex texted her. She’d been in and out of sleep, watching as the light outside of her windows grew brighter and brighter each time she briefly returned to consciousness, choosing each time to curl tighter against Ali’s back and drift back into dreams. She felt like she’d just fallen back asleep again when she heard the vibration of a text on her bedside table – the vibration pattern that she knew was set for Alex.

     She’d barely gotten through a text asking for breakfast requests when she bolted out of bed, nearly getting sick at the sudden anxiety in her throat. From there, it’d been a mad dash around the apartment to clean up any traces of mischief and Ali, especially when those two things were combined so clearly. Ashlyn hadn’t had much chance to talk to Ali, instead just tossing her clothes at her as she urged her to get out of bed and leave the apartment. It wasn’t graceful, and she wasn’t proud of herself, but it wasn’t what she had planned.

     Then, Alex had been sitting across from her on their bed talking about engagements and taking their relationship to the next level. Ali had left through the fire escape, or at least she’d assumed as much when Alex came up the stairs and Ashlyn met her in the hallway. The window had been left half open, but it looked like Ali had made her way down the stairs before they’d walked in to set Alex’s bags down.

     Ashlyn didn’t know what to say to her, only robotically repeating sentiments back to her as she tried her hardest to not look guilty. That part was exceedingly difficult – all she could imagine was how many times she’d had Ali’s naked body in her arms over the last few days. In fact, she wasn’t exactly sure, but she prayed to every God listening that Alex couldn’t smell the sex still on her from the night before.

     Luckily, Ashlyn had been able to get through her conversation about engagement and relationships without much involvement. It seemed that she’d just wanted to tell Ashlyn her intentions about where they were going and didn’t expect much in return just yet. Still, Ashlyn had told her she loved her, and affirmed that she thought they were in a good place. She felt guilty as she answered but knew that she wasn’t in the right mindset to go through the past few days’ events just yet.

     Her head spun when she thought about how quickly everything had changed. Alex left for the holiday and it felt like Ashlyn had made her resolution to keep everything the way it was. Then, there was a giant argument between her and Ali and their hasty decision to make things physical again. Had it even been a conscious decision or was it just something her body had to do? She knew she needed to take responsibility, but God, it had felt like her brain was in the backseat as her body drove.

     It had been perfect for two days. It wasn’t even that it felt like college; they were both grown up and they were both desperate to pick up where they’d left off. Their mature bodies moved together, their traveled hands and lips and skin melted together in bed and on the floor and in the shower and in Ali’s car. Nothing made sense, but they were in a bubble all of their own while they became reacquainted with each other’s bodies.

     Then, Kelley had stumbled upon them. From there, it was a crash landing to reality with a pitstop at dramatic declarations of love. Ashlyn had let her letters speak for her, all of the words that she couldn’t say but she knew she still meant. She loved Ali, had always loved Ali. By the grace of God, it seemed that Ali felt the same enough to not run away when Ashlyn told her as much. Then, more of the same with their physical expressions and falling into blissful sleep.

     Ashlyn rubbed her face, still waking up from the morning’s events. It’d been a morning to put her into a tailspin, and to top everything, Ali wasn’t answering her texts or phone calls. She’d been able to get Alex to buy a story that she had to run and pick something up to drop off at the studio, but all she could think about was getting to Ali. She had to explain herself, explain something. There had to be a smoother way to get through to her.

     Still, as another minute ticked by without a reply, she grew a little less confident.

* * *

      When Ali heard the buzzer for the first time, she ignored it. She sat still on her couch, staring at the TV even though it wasn’t on, anything to pretend she couldn’t hear her bell ringing. She knew who it was without question; the same person who’d been texting and calling all morning. Ali had watched the notifications flash on the screen, chewing her lip as she dared herself to let another go by unanswered. She couldn’t pick up just yet, she didn’t know what she was going to say.

     Ever since Kelley had seen them, Ali knew that she was coming back to reality. As fun as it was to be with Ashlyn sexually again, there was no denying that they still had a shit ton of things to figure out before things could go on as normal. If they were serious about getting back together as they had seemed to be the morning before, there was so much to get through. Alex, Ali’s relationship with her for work, Ashlyn’s living situation; these were just small things compared to the violent effects that affairs had on serious relationships. And Ali couldn’t go any longer without denying that it was the right term for what they were doing.

     Regardless of their feelings, regardless of the way that Ashlyn had poured her heart out on paper for Ali to read, there were still other human beings to consider on their path to love and destiny. It wasn’t as simple as kissing and falling back into bed; they had to do it right. Of course, Ali knew that they’d gone about it nearly one hundred percent incorrectly at this point, and she wasn’t sure how to correct their path.

     Yes, she loved Ashlyn, or at least she felt very strongly for her still. She needed to sort out just what parts were left over from the drama of college, from the cutthroat end to their relationship in Colorado, and which parts were due to who Ashlyn had become in their distance. She was older, more mature, much more successful; she was the idealized version that Ali believed she could be back at school. She’d missed all of the time that Ashlyn spent spinning and twisting in the clutches of failure and self-doubt. Was it right to swoop in when everything was sorted?

     The buzzer rang again, and Ali begrudgingly stood to walk to the intercom. She pressed the talk button down but paused before speaking. “Yes?”

     “It’s me.” Ashlyn’s voice was scratchy from old wiring. “Can I come up?”

     Ali debated answering and instead pressed her buzzer, going into the hallway to unlock the door and leave it ajar before walking back into her living room.

     In the minutes between Ali unlocking the door and Ashlyn entering her apartment, Ali tried to figure out exactly what stance she was about to take. She was still fuming from Ashlyn’s “I love you”, but couldn’t deny the fact that she shouldn’t have listened in. Each time she thought she knew how she felt, some other tidbit or stream of consciousness flipped her on her head, and she resolved to just go with the flow.

     “Hey,” Ashlyn said, coming into the living room. She had her hands down by her side with her palms up, weirdly reminiscent of the way people would show they had no weapons.

     “Hey,” Ali replied, motioning to the chair across from her. “Wanna sit down?”

     “Er,” Ashlyn said, looking a little confused, “sure.”

     As she sat down, Ali knew that all she felt was frustration. Frustration over her rash actions over the last week, frustration over the way they’d left things so unraveled after college instead of handling things like grown-ups; there were so many times that they’d had the choice to do the right thing and instead, they continuously ignored it. Then, when Ali thought they were on the same page, Ashlyn chose to take the easy way out.

     “Why didn’t you say something?” Ali blurted out, taking Ashlyn off guard.

     The other woman blinked a few times, and Ali sheepishly said, “I couldn’t exactly run away. The stairs would’ve made too much noise.”

     “Oh,” Ashlyn said, looking down at her jeans. “How much did you hear?”

     “Nothing serious,” Ali said scathingly. “Just Alex saying that she wanted to marry you and you saying that you loved her. You know, the typical things that you hear someone say to someone else when they say they love you and want to be with you.”

     “I didn’t know you were listening,” Ashlyn said, chewing on her lip. “I didn’t think eavesdropping was your thing.”

     “I wasn’t _listening_ ,” Ali said defensively, crossing her arms over her chest. “It’s not my fault that you two had your undying love confessions next to the fire escape that you hid your mistress on.”

     “You’re not my –” Ashlyn started, rolling her eyes, “Come on, Al. That’s not fair.”

     “No, Ashlyn,” Ali said, “what’s not fair is having to listen to you tell Alex that you love her when you easily could’ve told her that you wanted to end things. Unless, of course, that isn’t what you really wanted.”

     “Really?” Ashlyn asked, raising an eyebrow. “You think that the perfect time would’ve been literally as she walked through the front door? It was barely nine in the morning, Ali. She’d just flown across the country. It would’ve been an asshole move to say, ‘By the way, I’m in love with my ex-girlfriend that you know nothing about’.”

     “The asshole move is pushing me out of bed, _naked_ , and telling me that I had to leave because your girlfriend was coming home.”

     “Don’t act like you had a conscience at any point over the last four days,” Ashlyn spat. “You were just as happy as I was to fuck like teenagers.”

     They went silent, the two of them fuming as they stared anywhere but at each other. Ali felt everything rapidly spinning out of control, and in the absence of any clear direction to take it, she could only plow forward. She felt herself speaking before she could think clearly. “Not easy, huh?”

     “What?” Ashlyn asked, still looking down at the floor with a sour look on her face.

     “Speaking up,” Ali said, staring at her until she met her eyes. “I recall a certain self-righteous twenty-one-year-old reading me the riot act when I wasn’t able to speak up about committing a crime. Certainly, this would’ve been easier.”

     Ashlyn’s eyes went cold. “You’re kidding,” she said quietly. “You’re not bringing up college right now.”

     “How is it different?” Ali asked, shrugging her shoulders. “You expected me to just jump right up and do the right thing, even though everything happened in a moment. You want to tell me that you love me and spend three days fucking me but you can still tell your girlfriend that you love her.”

     “What do you want from me?” Ashlyn asked, rising to her feet. “It wasn’t fucking simple, Ali. None of it is simple.”

     “What I want, Ashlyn,” Ali said, standing as well, “is for you to admit that for all of your bravado and as much time as you spend on that high fucking horse, you’re not always ready to do the right thing either. You don’t know _what_ you want, Ashlyn, and you want all of the time in the world to figure it out.”

     “It was _five minutes,_ ” Ashlyn emphasized, looking at Ali with a furrowed brow. “I had five minutes to decide if I wanted to break off my relationship without any sort of notice and I had _barely_ woken up. It wasn’t quite the same thing as wrecking my fucking truck and letting me take the blame for it.”

     “Of course,” Ali said, rolling her eyes. “You’re absolutely right. You’re never at fault for chickening out.”

     “You know what,” Ashlyn said, shaking her head. “I think we need to take some time.”

     “Time for what?” Ali asked.

     “Just time,” Ashlyn said, walking towards the front door. “Just … we need a few days to get our heads straight. We’re jumping into things we don’t understand and bringing too much old shit into it.”

     “Fine,” Ali said, following behind her. “You go and take your time. This time though,” she said, holding the door as Ashlyn stood out in the hallway, “don’t try to fuck me as you work through your shit.”

     Before Ashlyn could reply, Ali slammed and locked the door.

* * *

_Fuck_ , Ashlyn thought, turning down the last left that put her on the street she lived on. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

     She tried to think back, to figure out the point at which everything had spun so far out of her control. She’d spent four fucking years getting over Ali, putting everything in the past, falling in love with someone else, building her career to the point of modest success she was currently enjoying, and overall living her life; how had everything spun backwards on its axis in the last two months?

     It was all tied to Ali showing back up in her life. It was always ever Ali; the good and the bad. Ashlyn knew that she’d told her the truth the day before. She did, in fact, still love her and she knew that she always had, but it wasn’t so clean and simple. That’s what she’d tried to make her understand as she sat across from her, as unblinking and cold as a sphinx. It wasn’t as _simple_ as just ending things with Alex at the drop of a hat.

     There were things Alex had to understand, and Alex deserved a chance to try to ask questions and get to the bottom of things. Ashlyn knew that she loved Alex as well; she knew it wasn’t with the same fervor that she felt for Ali, but it was real. They’d begun to build a life together, for Christ’s sake. That wasn’t something you threw away without fully understanding. She’d done that before – she ran away from Colorado and away from Ali without giving it a chance. It wasn’t worth it to do it again.

     Her head was spinning; she hadn’t had enough caffeine or sleep to battle all of the excitement of the morning. As she trudged her way up the stairs, all she could think about was slipping into a hot bath and spending the rest of the day with her sketchbook. She just needed a good day or two to get her brain back in order and properly think through the last few days and the last four years, and figure out the perfect game plan.

     “Babe?” Ashlyn called, closing the door behind her and tossing her keys onto the small table there by the door. “Hey, ‘Lex? I’m back.”

     She walked through the apartment, absently removing her scarf and kicking off her boots by the radiator before going into the living room. There, she found Alex, tucked into the corner of the sectional and sifting through a pile of folded papers. Her stomach sinking through to her knees, Ashlyn knew immediately that those were the letters she’d written over the years to Ali. She’d forgotten to pull them from behind the couch cushion in her rush to clean up the apartment.

     “We need to talk.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing, writing, writing.


	39. just pretend that it never happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Ashlyn's turn to chicken out.

     “We need to talk.”

     Ashlyn tried to keep the panicked look on her face, but from the tense feeling in her jaw she knew she wasn’t accomplishing much. She was looking at Alex as she sat on their couch, her lap full of the letters she’d written to Ali over the years. They were all open, all unfolded; all of her feelings that she’d kept a secret were now on display. She’d barely been able to get Ali out of their apartment before Alex had gotten home but had missed one key thing. Would this unravel it all?

     Did she want it to unravel? The last few days with Ali had been nothing short of a dream come true, or at least that’s what she’d thought as they’d made love through the hours. It felt like she’d waited for something that she never truly dared believe would come to fruition again, and she was so very happy to have been wrong. Ali was even better than she’d remembered, and even now she felt herself ache to think about her.

     But was it realistic? They hadn’t had a chance to discuss much, even after Ashlyn had shown her the letters. Instead, they’d allowed their bodies to move together, communicating more than their mouths were ready to give. Ashlyn was tangled and raw, her innermost feelings having been revealed when she wasn’t quite sure they’d be fully reciprocated. Until that moment, she and Ali had been playing a game of emotional chicken and she wasn’t sure if they’d turn away or crash.

     Ali had taken it well, if you can include the crying in that. She’d held Ashlyn tightly as she’d told her that she loved her too, that she hadn’t stopped. Or had she said that she never stopped? Was Ashlyn just assuming that? There were so few things that they’d discussed in terms of reality, and instead just whispered to each other over and over how happy they were that they were there, together again.

     Looking at Alex, seeing the concern on her face overriding any other emotion, Ashlyn wasn’t sure. She expected rage, fury, betrayal; instead, Alex’s expression was soft and pleading. She was asking for information. She wasn’t throwing armfuls of Ashlyn’s clothes at her through an open window and telling her to get a hotel, she wasn’t screaming and throwing the letters at her; she was coming to her as an equal, as a partner.

     “Ashlyn,” Alex said, bringing her to attention. “Did you hear me?”

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn replied softly, her mouth dry. “Yeah, we need to talk.”

     Ashlyn walked over and sat next to Alex, knees close together but leaving enough space that they could look at one another. She took a deep breath and reached for one of the letters, gingerly folding it back together and placing it on her own lap. “I’ve lied to you.”

     “I see that,” Alex said, voice still even. “The last one is dated on your birthday last year.”

     Ashlyn nodded, and the two of them sat in silence as she chose her words. “I haven’t written a letter since I met you.” It was the truth; though not indicative of the larger picture, still the truth.

     “In college, then,” Alex said, and Ashlyn nodded again. “That’s why you won’t talk about Colorado.”

     “She wasn’t my first girlfriend, but she was the first one that … mattered,” Ashlyn said, running her fingers over the edge of the folded page. “It wasn’t very long, but it was very intense. It didn’t … It didn’t end well.”

     “At the gallery party when I met her,” Alex looked down at her own lap, taking a deep breath to steel herself. “I need you to tell me the truth. Had you planned that? Did you know she was going to be there?”

     Ashlyn shook her head. “I hadn’t spoken to her since I left Colorado, I swear. We broke up and a week later I was on the road with Mac. I deleted her from everything and we never spoke again.”

     “Why did you break up?”

     Ashlyn bit her lip. “Well, technically, she cheated on me. She doesn’t think she did, but she did. But before that, it was because she let me take the fall and get expelled.”

     “You were _expelled_?” Alex asked, her eyes going wide. “Ashlyn, why didn’t you ever tell me that? You said you dropped out.”

     “I didn’t want to think about her,” Ashlyn said, her chest beginning to hurt as she dug through the archives of her memory. She could feel everything as though it’d just happened, as though she were 21 again. “If I told you I was expelled, I’d have to tell you that it was because my ex-girlfriend wrecked my truck while driving drunk on campus. Then I’d have to tell you that we broke up not just because she lied but because a few days later she fucked some guy that she was going to Germany with to study abroad.”

     Alex gasped, and started to speak, but Ashlyn continued, the words flowing and unable to stop. “She didn’t even tell me that she was leaving. I had to find out from the guy that she’d eventually sleep with. I tried to propose to her, but she said no, and I was embarrassed. I was … I was so young, and so, so fucking stupid and I thought she was the one. I gave up so much thinking that she was the one.”

     Ashlyn’s voice broke, and she felt her chest begin to tighten. She looked up at Alex, seeing the concern and care in her eyes. “I’m sorry, ‘Lex. I didn’t want to talk about it and by the time I was ready, she was back. You were so great about inviting her into our home and I didn’t know what to say. Then, you guys were working together, and I was … I was a chicken shit. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

     Alex leaned forward, taking Ashlyn into her arms. Ashlyn clung tightly to her, feeling shame, guilt, fear and a small sense of relief. It was true; everything that she’d said had been true. Ali had fucked up in college and just when Ashlyn had gotten everything back on track, she was there to fuck it up again. It felt good, but was it worth it?

     She felt Alex’s hands smooth against her back and knew that she was loved. She knew that although she was admitting to a rather large lie, Alex was still there, still prepared to support and care for her when it looked like she needed it. The guilt thudded into her empty stomach and though she felt bile in her throat from her own cowardice, she continued to hold tight to Alex’s waist, burying her face into her neck.

     Was it enough? Was it enough to give up everything, change everything? Their sex had been fantastic, the chemistry that had sparked their love affair in college was very much still present, but was it _real_? Was it enough to say I love you after not speaking for four years and derail everything that you’d worked so hard to stabilize?

     She felt Alex press her lips to her temple, sliding her hands up to hold the back of her head. It was a soothing gesture, loving and safe and warm. It was the antithesis of every memory left over from Ali, save for the recent ones over the last few weeks and days. Ali was … chaos. Ali was fun and there were strong feelings there, but could she have fallen in love with Alex if her feelings for Ali had been genuine?

     “You have to tell me something,” Alex said quietly, voice muffled into Ashlyn’s hair.

     “What’s that?” Ashlyn asked, pulling back and running the back of her hand over her eyes.

     Alex chewed on her lip, looking deep into Ashlyn’s eyes. “Do you still feel this way for her? These things that you said in these letters … do you still love her?”

     “No,” Ashlyn said automatically, not allowing herself to register the punch to her gut. “No, I don’t love her. I love you, Lex.”

     “You’re sure?” Alex asked, resisting when Ashlyn tried to hug her again. “This … This changes things. I mean, we need to talk about how involved she is with our lives and I want to know if she’s brought up any of her feelings to you. I don’t want to control you, and I don’t want to be _that_ girl, but … This is big, baby.”

     “I know,” Ashlyn said, nodding solemnly. “And no,” she said, digging her nails into her palm as she spoke, “she hasn’t said anything. It’s strictly friendship. We haven’t even discussed it.”

     “Okay,” Alex said, allowing Ashlyn to hug her again. “I just want you to know you can trust me.” She ran her hand through Ashlyn’s hair, kissing her temple again. “And I need to know I can trust you.”

     “You can,” Ashlyn said, staring into the room but not seeing anything, “you can trust me.”

* * *

     Ali read the same paragraph for the fourth time before she realized that work just wasn’t going to happen. She tried to blame it on the first snow of the year, watching as a smattering of flakes drifted outside of her window, but she knew that wasn’t true. She tried to blame it on her lack of sleep, and while it _was_ true that she had stayed up most of the last two nights, she knew that wasn’t the root cause. It had been two days since she’d scampered down the fire escape at Ashlyn and Alex’s loft, and there hadn’t been a single text.

     She opened the drawer to her right and dug around the back, reaching for where she’d hidden her phone. She’d spent nearly all of her battery constantly checking for any message from Ashlyn on any app. Nothing on iMessage, Instagram, Snapchat, Viber, any of them. In fact, Ali had even downloaded new apps wondering if perhaps Ashlyn would be trying to reach her there. She figured that Alex must have taken it poorly and there was some damage control to be done before they could talk.

 _Or_ , she thought, _I’m the damage to control_. She frowned as her home screen showed no new notifications and started the same logical loop that she’d perfected over the last forty-eight hours. It could be that Ashlyn had just said all of that to get in her pants, right? Maybe she was bored with the college student and wanted to feel excitement. There was no doubt that the sex they had was incredible, and time hadn’t changed anything. Maybe Ashlyn was just scratching an itch.

     Ali thought back to the early days in their initial relationship, how they’d been unable to keep their hands off of each other at any possible moment. They’d fucked practically anywhere that they’d been able to slip a hand down someone’s pants and had very little qualms about privacy. While there’d been the luxury of private apartments, not much had changed. They were still barely able to keep from kissing once a minute.

     In fact, Ali smiled slyly to herself thinking of how she was on day two of sitting a little unevenly on her chair. It’d been awhile since she’d been so active, and she forgot how deliciously, and admittedly _not_ deliciously, sore you could be after multiple days of vigorous sex. She wondered idly if Ashlyn was experiencing the same ache between her legs and on her thighs and abs but began to frown when she remembered she wouldn’t know anyway.

     She leaned back in her chair, distracted for another minute or two watching the snowflakes continue to fall. There was a cloudy, grey haze over the city; warnings of an impending snowstorm flashed on the TV in the break room every hour or so. Ashlyn had initially looked forward to perhaps hunkering down in her apartment with a certain sculptor and working out some of the aches, but it wasn’t looking very likely. Ali sighed, dropping her phone to her desk and aimlessly spinning her chair in a circle.

     It was likely to be fine. It took some time to break up a yearlong, live in relationship and Ali wanted to be as respectful of that as possible. She’d only just started thinking about the implication at work and wondered if Alex’s play would find another person at the firm to take over the account or if they’d leave altogether. It wouldn’t look good for Ali, and she didn’t really want to get into the sordid details considering she was sleeping with her client’s partner, but Ali believed she could smooth it over.

     Still, it was strange. They hadn’t had time to work out anything, and it had been an abrupt crash landing back to reality, but two days was stretching it. Ali had even been prepared for Alex to march into the office and cause a scene but hoped that Ashlyn would prevent anything like that from happening. Alex didn’t _really_ seem the type, in any case. Sure, she was young, but she seemed to like to keep up appearances. But then again, she _was_ an actress and maybe she’d think of it like a workshop. In any case, Ali kept her office door closed.

     Sitting back up at her desk, idly clicking around her email for anything that might’ve gone into the junk box, Ali wondered if perhaps there was a way to send Ashlyn a message. She could drop by her studio or leave something in the mailbox. That did seem a little stalkerish though, and she thought better of it. She needed advice, or at least someone to talk things out, and she knew exactly who to call before she even reached for her phone.

     “Hey sweets,” Kyle said, making Ali automatically smile.

     “Hey big brother,” she said, sinking back in her chair and rotating towards the window. “I need advice.”

     “Shoot,” he said, and Ali heard a blow dryer in the background. “I have a few minutes before my next client. You caught me at the perfect time.”

     “I might’ve fucked up,” she said, picking at one of her nails. “I … Ashlyn and I slept together.”

     “I just won a bet with myself,” Kyle said, and she heard a door close. “Girl, what were you thinking? Is she still with whatshername?”

     “She is, I think,” Ali said. “It just happened. Alex left for Thanksgiving to go visit her family in California and Ashlyn came over.”

     “That was fast.”

     “She came to bring me some stuff for that project that I work on with Alex, but yeah, it didn’t take long. She just … she asked me if I was over what happened between us and I tried to duck it but _Kyle_. You know how much I’ve been debating this shit since I ran into her again.”

     “Oh, don’t I,” Kyle said, and Ali could practically hear his eyes roll. “What did the girlfriend say?”

     “Well, let me start at the beginning. So, we hook up that first night and then we just … keep hooking up –”

     “Like bunnies.”

     “Yes, like bunnies, but shut up. And so, we’re like, just pretty much having sex and not doing a whole lot of talking, and we go to their place one night –”

     “You _fucked_ in the bed she shares with her girlfriend? You’re cold.”

     “Shut up! Anyway, yes, but it backfired because she came home early and –”

     “But she caught me on the counta, it wasn’t me! Saw us bangin’ on the sofa, it wasn’t me. I even did her in the showa –”

     “Shut _up_. Anyway! No, she didn’t catch us because … Well, I ducked out the window.”

     “AK. You did _not_.”

     “I did, and yes, I may have eavesdropped a little.”

     “This is better than a Lifetime movie.”

     “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

     “How do you _accidentally_ eavesdrop? Anyway, what did she say? Did she break up with her on the spot? Do you have Ashlyn moving in? Did Alex go all crazy girl on you and fight you?”

     “Well,” Ali said, blowing a raspberry. “She didn’t like, immediately say anything. It was actually like she was just welcoming her home. So, I left.”

     “That’s awful polite of you, choosing not to listen in on their conversation.”

     “Shut _up_. Well, I went home, and she showed up later and we sort of argued about it.” Ali bit her lip, remembering their bickering. “I might’ve said she was chickening out and accused her of like, playing with me.”

     “That’s definitely weird pillow talk. What did she say after that?”

     “Nothing,” Ali said, frowning. “It’s been two days. I sort of thought that she’d like … I don’t know…”

     “Show up at your apartment that night with a suitcase and a ring?”

     “ _No_ ,” Ali said, rolling her eyes. “I just thought that she’d like, go back, break up with her and then, I don’t know. Call me.”

     “All jokes aside, that’s kind of a mess though. How do you know that she was seriously into the idea of you two?”

     “She showed me love letters, Kyle. She wrote me love letters over the years and kept them. And you know how I told you she covered up our matching tattoo? The cover up is just another … it’s like a tattoo for me. She told me she loved me.”

     “And you said?”

     “That I love her.”

     The line went quiet, and Ali chewed her lip waiting. It felt crazy to say it out loud, to recount the last few wild days. So much had happened, and yet she still somehow was in limbo. It felt like there was something momentous that had to happen as a result and she was still just waiting.

     “Do you love her?”

     “I feel love for her,” Ali said, really thinking about her answer. “I feel so strongly for her, and I know that I wasn’t finished when we broke up in Colorado. I wish I hadn’t just cut her out of my life, and I think it means something that we’ve run back into each other. It has to mean something.”

     “It means that you two both chose careers that make sense to be located in New York City.”

     “So, you think I’m stupid?”

     “I didn’t say that,” Kyle said tacitly. “But you know how I feel about cheating. You know how _you_ feel about cheating.”

     “I know,” Ali said, sighing. “I know, and I feel fucking awful about it. But I couldn’t stop, Kyle. I was … God, just being around her was getting so unbelievably difficult without touching her. That _means_ something.”

     “It means you need a new vibrator.”

     “Kyle!”

     “Look, you’re not getting a pass from me on the cheating. Someone’s gotta tell you that it wasn’t okay.”

     “Ugh, Kelley saw us while we were out over the weekend. Trust me, I’ve already gotten the lecture.”

     “Oh God, someone else knows?”

     “Yes, and trust me, she was less than enthusiastic to see we’d rekindled.”

     “Well, no shit.” Kyle said, and Ali heard a knock at the door. “Just a sec! Hey babe, I gotta go but we’ll talk tonight, okay? We can sort this out. And don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll hear something from her soon. I love you. Bye!”

     He was gone before she could say anything in return, left with just silence through the receiver before she finally dropped the phone to her lap. She watched the snow a little longer, chewing on Kyle’s words.

     He wasn’t wrong – she’d always abhorred cheating. It was low, cruel, utterly destructive; no one ever escaped unharmed. It was always a recipe for disaster, even when the resulting relationship worked out. There was always a lack of trust that had to fight to be overcome because it had started with duplicity. How could you trust that you’d know when that person would lie to you?

     But it had meant something, running into her again. She’d felt that from that night, and she couldn’t stop herself from thinking that. Whether or not she regretted having sex with her before they were disentangled from other obligations didn’t play into the fact that she really did think the universe was conspiring … something. She and Ashlyn hadn’t had a chance to wrap things up, and neither of them had forgotten how it felt to love one another. Picking it up again was like riding a bike.

     What did it mean that there’d been no word from Ashlyn? What did it mean that she couldn’t exactly put a finger on something about their relationship that didn’t feel illicitly dangerous, overemotional and frantic? There were feelings, real true feelings at the core, but what did it mean that they’d both lost their minds before rationally entering into it again? Did it mean that they were too immature for it? Did it mean they were living in the past?

     She didn’t have much time to think about it before the thing she’d been anxiously awaiting finally lit up her phone. Her heart fluttered when she saw Ashlyn’s name and her thumb slipped twice as she tried to unlock her phone to read her text. Though she read it five times, she kept trying to pull some more information, wishing desperately that there were more. Still, as she sent a reply, she was happy she’d heard anything at all, and made a note to pick up her favorite Kate Spade top from the dry cleaner’s before tomorrow.

      **Ash:** Hey, can’t talk much. Meet me tomorrow? Coffee at Five Leaves. 8? Hope to see you there. x

* * *

      “Hey, it’s Kelley. I can’t come to the phone right now, so leave a message at the BEEEEEEEEEP.”

     Rather than leave another voicemail that she was sure wouldn’t be listened to, Ashlyn clicked her phone and shoved it into her pocket. She’d given her best friend as many chances as possible, and now it was time for drastic measures. She turned the collar of her coat up against the snow flurries falling around her before crossing the street to Kelley’s office building.

     It was a cute, beachfront two-story building; modernized though still original from the early days of Coney Island. The company Kelley worked for had been in the space for the better part of two years, funded mostly by the revenue from their revamp of the iconic amusement park. It was chic, and the location couldn’t be rivaled – not to mention it had great views of the beach year round.

     Ashlyn took the old steps two at a time, hanging onto the banister as it spiraled up towards Treoluas, the roller coaster engineering company that had stolen Kelley from her previous post at Cedar Point. It was a fun little office, and through the large, clear windows, Ashlyn saw an open concept office with a basketball court, two Segways, multiple squishy looking Lovesacs, a pinball machine and frozen yogurt dispenser. She walked up to the receptionist, smiling at him as he looked up.

     “Kelley O’Hara, please. It’s her friend Ashlyn Harris.”

     “Just a second,” He said, clicking twice on his mouse and then speaking into his headset. “Hiya Kelley, I have an Ashlyn Harris up here to see you. Mhm. Yep, not a problem.” He looked up at Ashlyn with a shining smile. “She’ll be right up. You can wait right here.”

     Ashlyn studied the gallery wall to the left, smattered with different blueprints and diagrams of loops, spins and drops. She was just trying to identify them with their labels at the bottom when she heard footsteps approaching. She turned around and saw Kelley, pulling on her coat as she regarded Ashlyn with a stony expression.

     “We can go for a walk. Hey, Nick, I’ll be right back if anyone asks.”

     They walked down the stairs, Kelley going at a quicker pace than Ashlyn felt comfortable with; she assumed she wouldn’t have very long to plead her case, but all of her rehearsed apologies and explanations seemed to have fallen out of her head. She wasn’t prepared when Kelley turned on her heel in the downstairs lobby, crossing her arms over her chest.

     “What do you want, Ashlyn?” She asked, eyebrows set.

     “Uh, hi,” Ashlyn said, stumbling a bit to avoid running into her. “You wouldn’t return my calls.”

     “’Cause I don’t want to talk to you,” Kelley said. “I thought that was pretty clear.”

     “C’mon Kel,” Ashlyn pleaded, “I’m sorry.”

     “I’m not who you should be apologizing to,” Kelley said with a frown. “Have you apologized to Alex?”

     “I told her about Ali,” Ashlyn said and off a look, she explained. “Well, about our relationship back in college, I mean.”

     “So, a half truth,” Kelley scoffed. “I’m guessing you skipped over the part where you’ve been fucking her since y’all met again.”

     “I haven’t, we haven’t!” Ashlyn said, hands raised. “I swear. It just happened this week.”

     “When Alex left, you mean,” Kelley said. “I’m so proud you waited until you were unsupervised.”

     Ashlyn sighed, rubbing her hands over her face. “Kelley, look, I’m not proud of it. But it’s more complicated than that. It’s like, I feel things for Ali and I know I love Alex. It’s – it’s hard.”

     “I don’t want to hear about how it’s hard not to cheat on someone,” Kelley said. “I know that you and Ali had a crazy thing in college, and yeah, I know that did some shit to you. I know it was rough having her back in your life, but you had so many opportunities to kick her out of it again before you did something stupid. Or, you had plenty of time to break things off with Alex.”

     “Kel—”

     “Look, I _like_ Alex. I like her for you. I like her as a person. And don’t get me wrong, I was friends with Ali too, but we were all kids. We weren’t grown-ups yet, not really, but we need to act like it now.”

     “You’re really just not going to listen to me, are you?” Ashlyn asked, looking up at the ceiling with her hands on her hips. “You’re just ready to be pissed at me no matter what happened.”

     “What I’m pissed at is that you’re having this conversation with the wrong person. I’m not telling you it’s easy, but there’s a right way, and there’s a wrong way, and so far, you’re only focusing on the latter. Don’t run through your life like a bull in a china shop and then come to me for absolution. I love you, you’re my best friend, but it’s my job to tell you when you’re acting like an idiot.”

     And with that, Kelley went back up the stairs to work. Ashlyn watched her go, unable to come up with anything other than “you’re right.”

     She made her way out of the building and started walking back towards the train. It was going to be a long ride back, and she had a lot to think about on the way. Kelley had been right; the two women that she should be talking to were across the city, and she was wasting time banging down her best friend’s door.

     Ashlyn didn’t know what she was doing, and it was time to be honest with herself about that. She didn’t know what her heart really wanted, she didn’t know if she had the courage to follow through with what might be the answer to the first question, but she knew she had to do something.

     She pulled out her phone once she was on the platform, sending a quick text to Ali. Even if she hadn’t been going the right way, and even if she wasn’t sure the way she was going was any better, she had to start somewhere, and coffee seemed as good of a start as any.

* * *

       **KK** : Is she there yet??

 **Ali:** not yet :/

     It was six minutes after eight with no sign of Ashlyn. Ali sat up a little straighter in her chair, trying to look through the front windows of the café to see who was coming and going out on the sidewalk. Twice, she thought a woman walking by was Ashlyn and twice she’d been let down when they kept walking.

     She’d hoped for a follow up text in the day that Ashlyn had asked her to meet, at least for something to indicate which direction they were going in. Still, nothing. It’d been hell waiting for their meeting and Ali was anxious to get a chance to find out exactly what had gone down since she’d barely escaped Alex finding them in bed together.

     Ali wished she had someone else besides Kyle to talk to about the whole Ashlyn situation. She loved her brother, and she valued his input, but she wanted an array of opinions to go with, not just of her brother who loved her unconditionally. She thought again of Kelley and wondered how long it would take for her to speak to Ali again. Perhaps if she saw Ali and Ashlyn together again, she would realize that it wasn’t just a fluke and they could all work it out. Perhaps Kelley would be happy for them.

 **KK:** anything?

 **Ali:** stahhhhp.

     Ali stirred her spoon around her mug, wishing she had opted instead for something decaffeinated. She was already anxious as it was, and the coffee, cream and sugar weren’t doing anything but ratcheting up her stress level. She felt like her hands were vibrating and wondered if she’d managed to eat anything all day in her anxiety over their meeting.

 **KK:** ok, im gonna check out now, but just remember what we said.

 **Ali:** if she takes off her coat, it’s fine. If she leaves it on, it’s not fine.

 **KK:** it’s gonna be great babe. Text me after unless ur naked. Love u!

     Ali toyed with the menu on the table, wishing she’d thought to order appetizers when she heard the bell on the door. She looked up and there she was – Ashlyn was dusting off her boots and coat, the remnants of snow falling onto the doormat. She looked over, found Ali and gave her an easy, if unreadable, smile.

     “Hey,” Ali said, rising to reach out and give Ashlyn a hug.

     Their embrace lasted more than a typical greeting, and Ali was heartened. Surely, that meant something good. Happiness? Hope? Ashlyn kissed Ali’s jaw softly before stepping away and pulling out the chair.

     “Did you order?” She asked, sitting down, but Ali couldn’t answer. She’d sat down without taking her coat off.

     “Uh, just the coffee,” Ali said absently, pointing down. She eyed Ashlyn as she looked down at the menu but could tell her eyes weren’t scanning the page. “Ashlyn.”

     “Mmm,” Ashlyn said, and Ali felt her stomach drop to her feet.

     “Ash,” she said again, softer, and it took Ashlyn a moment to look up.

     There was a beat of silence. “We can eat, first.”

     Ali shook her head. “I don’t think we can.”

     Ashlyn sighed, mussing up her hair. “I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL,” she said, looking down and picking at her nails. “It’s just been, you know, with ‘Lex coming back early, just getting things back together.”

     “Back together,” Ali repeated, looking at her but hearing a high-pitched ringing begin in her ears.

     “Yeah,” Ashlyn said, tapping her thumb against the Formica table. “She uh, she found the letters I wrote you.”

     “She did? What did you say?”

     Ashlyn shrugged, still looking down at the table. “Told her we dated in college but that it ended badly, which is why I didn’t tell her before. Told her …”

     “That you didn’t feel that way anymore.”

     As soon as Ali said she words, she knew that it was the truth. She didn’t want Ashlyn to confirm and hated her when she nodded just enough. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to give her the satisfaction; instead, she just nodded back and picked up her coffee up, draining the rest in one go.

     “Just as well,” Ali said, busying herself with reaching into her purse for her wallet to grab a few dollar bills. “I wasn’t looking forward to telling you.”

     “Telling me what?” Ashlyn asked, barely lifting her eyes to meet Ali’s gaze.

     “That this was stupid,” Ali said, giving her best noncommittal shrug. “You’re a good fuck, that didn’t change, but too much other stuff did. I’m glad we ended up on the same page.”

     Before Ashlyn could reply, Ali tossed the bills on the table and stood, collecting her bag on one shoulder as she pushed hastily out the door. She didn’t once look back, focusing instead on the wish that she could evaporate into the pavement. _Don’t think, don’t think_ , she kept repeating in her mind, knowing it was a losing battle, and hoping she could at least make it to her apartment before breaking down into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't kill me just yet -- yes this is a bump in the road, but it isn't for long. there is light at the end of the tunnel my friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me @ataraxia-807 on tumblr and send me your favorite things! Or just entertain me. Whichever's easiest.  
> \----------------------  
> Thank you guys for positive feedback! I love comments so keep them coming. :) I'm gonna see if I can keep up a quick posting schedule for y'all.  
> \---------  
> It's gonna be a long one, folks. I promise to update as often as possible. I started this as my first ever shot at National Novel Writing Month so ... sit tight.


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